This story has officially gotten to the point that if you treated it like a weekly release, you'd be set for a year. Is that good or bad? Not even I know at this point.
But whatever the case, as you can see, we're back in the swing of things! Here is another request! This one comes via PM from Darkson (you guys can do this you know if you don't want to review and drop ideas there) so I think I'll leave the 'idea' of it for you guys to figure out.
But looking at things, Touma has appeared in practically every single chapter, hasn't he? I guess having habits like these are good and bad in a way, but I hope that the chapters where he does appear are just as enjoyable as the ones where he does not.
Here is the Q & A though:
whwsms: Yeah, I try and mix it up every now and then to some success but I'm glad that you liked last chapter! But I did think that this was something that had to addressed, if only because there is a rift between the two Level 5s that tears them apart but is also a rift that the two of them can work towards mending in their own way depending on how things go. But, as you said, I doubt anyone would want to suggest that to them out of fear. I don't think that Aleister gives a damn either way unless he manages to get something out of it all the same. Maybe Heaven Canceller was aware of the meeting and preparing himself for some fallout! Ayu needs some more love…
wildarms13: Yeah, they do apparently! I had it in as a joke but wondered if it was true and it was! Yeah, I wanted to cover this sort of underlying theme in the background given how horrible the Experiment was and how the two characters have yet to actual resolve the incidents and the tension between them in any way. And hence, I used BTL for that because why not?! I do tend to focus a lot of the events of NT 9; but it might have to do with how much I really loved that novel. There is a lot you can work within that novel and I think that really shows in the aftermath that I am constantly using with when referencing the events of that novel as you can clearly see. I don't think that Touma would have had dead eyes when the Omega World was mentioned though, if only because he has accepted what has happened to him and has to move on from it. I'm not too sure why Accelerator or Hamazura would have anything say on the Omega World, but it certainly is an interesting idea, even in the Denmark idea you put forward seems to give a lot more potential.
Bluejack222: Thanks so much! I hope that you can enjoy this chapter as well!
ArmoredCoreNineBall: I did as well: I felt that forgiveness, right off the bat, was out of the question for the both of them, especially how much the two of them are and what they lost during the Experiment as well. So, instead, I had the focus on more acceptance and the idea that they are more than during the Experiment which we have all seen in their characters too. Anything related to chests with reference to Mikoto is going to go south!
ShadowBloodedge9396: Okaeri! I've got the ideas that you wanted to put forward filed away in my head but it's just that other people have their own ideas too. I'm just glad that you understand. But of course, one of the main things that I always go for in this is making sure that the characters are in character. It's one of the most important things for me when working with this universe and making these weird fics. I think that Accelerator might have said that first because of his bluntness rather than Mikoto in that situation but I understand where you are coming from. I think it just felt…better (?) to have it as Accelerator? But I definitely think that in this chapter, Touma was cleaning up what others broke by himself.
Formboy1: There is nothing wrong with Yuriko! Yuriko is by far a best girl! Although having a genderbender chapter would in itself be a bit scary if you know what I mean. Although I think that if Worst even approached Yuriko and flipped her skirt that something would give and someone would die. As for the Futures Kaleidoscope, feels was definitely what I was going for. Although it has been a while since the first part, I'm glad that that detail stuck with you, it was definitely the core of the entire one-shot. But you are more than right, in that Touma is still suffering for the sake of bringing a smile onto the faces of other people. But the suicides in that chapter, I think, were really used to give a sense of scope and how Touma survived a LOT more than what other people could handle in the one time. As for ruining your OTP, fear not! Fanfics are in no way canon! Although despite the massive wound that I cut into Touma, I did give him Freyja which soothes that a lot I would like to think! Interesting idea with the accumulation of his lost soul coming together like that but even though we had Freyja, I'm glad that you found that her appearance was much loved all the same! I felt that giving him a break, although not with the character we all thought of as much wanted on my part and having that small part bring some happiness to Touma was what he really needed and deserved at the idea of the day. I did feel really fluffy with the two of them together, if only because it gave me the chance to just lose myself in fluffiness! 30cm IS way bigger than 2 although I had entirely forgotten that Misaka Worst appeared like that! There is going to be another one, although not for some time because of other requests and everything. But to be honest, Futures didn't have its inspiration being the boat scene with Kiritsugu: I don't remember having said that or saying that was the influence but I can see why you think it was the case. Although Freyja and Touma have a connection even better than OTP! If you make another request though, it's not to be ages before it is reached, let me tell you that! I just hope that you can enjoy the chapters as they are released! …You say that you don't want that Sentai thing being a thing but the way you've given it to me just there makes my head just fill in with requests. And again, I don't mind them long at all! I hope that you can just come to enjoy the chapters as they come! Although your suggestion for 'asking to have a child' sort of gets the idea of love across, the idea sort of makes me winces because of how it would sound and the implications for the idea if you know what I mean despite being good food for thought. I'm glad that you liked the bit with Lessar, although what was the rubber duck used for?! Poor Mikoto though; we'll never have a suave President like that in the world. He does seem a bit like Iskander which makes me even cooler! And I'm glad that it was the great work done by DragonMaster870 that you checked out my work, kouhai! I loved that fic personally but I think the writer has just chosen to take a break if you know what I mean. As for the Re-Incarnation, I'm glad you loved it! Although I think you were the only one to notice the similarity between IB and Touma! There is a sequel to it AS WELL AS another reincarnation as well so I hope you look forward to both. The world in the Reincarnation though was made up although I'm sure that as I was writing it, subconsciously, I was using things from other places too. As for the battle between Ayu and Touma, I'm happy that you found it good. The problem with what happened in NT 11 I think has to come from the fact that there was a mental aspect to it too which sort of threw everything off course for a bit.
Guest: Sorry that you felt it was pointless but I personally felt that the 'forgiveness' between Accelerator and Mikoto has never been addressed throughout the LN but that might be me having missed something. I'll try and ensure that I avoid long narration and the like; it's something that I've slowly been working on.
Guest (another one): Thanks for the kind words! I do think that maybe Mikoto's reaction to how Accelerator met Last Order would be filled with surprise, provided that Accelerator told her the whole truth about it. Aleister definitely is the person that is to blame though, especially given how he was sitting on the sidelines the entire time. I think that Aleister realises that he (she?) needs to pay for her crimes but the issue of Coronzon was more important at the time, although I can see him outright forgiving Aleister but I'm unsure whether Aleister will be getting what is going to be coming to him (her?). It all depends on Kamachi though. I do hope myself that Aleister comes to learn his (her?) lesson at the end of the day and has some punishment but we will have to see. I'm not too sure if Mina liked Accelerator though: despite being together on the colour page spread, she seemed to have taken a liking to Touma more.
Guest X: Did you think that I was pushing Mikoto x Accelerator!? And where did Othinus x Accelerator come from!? Thanks for your words, but given the theme that was going on, I can see why you would think there was this fine 'line' it was sitting on where the genre was undetermined. And no, Mikoto does not know about the Will. And is that a request?! Because if I am more than happy to be a part of that if you want!
Guest (another, another one): …This was maybe the second time I've called Accelerator and Mikoto the Father and Mother of the Sisters respectively?
FreakFactor: Did you think so!? I knew that Accelerator and Mikoto was going to be tense, but having Touma act a bit cruel in this sense too was a nice touch. As you said, 'cruel to be kind'. I imagine that if either of the Level 5s were caught up in the Delta Force's conversations that it would just result in them leaving due to the utter stupidity in them. no matter what was asked. Well, Index 3 is coming this year as is Infinity War so we're coming along nicely! I hope that when the request comes around that you can fully enjoy it!
Markoz89: ¡Gracias por tus palabras! Sí, en el fondo, a pesar de tener sus momentos serios, la parte de las vidas en las novelas de Index es siempre muy refrescante y añade un poco de humanidad a los personajes ridículos a su manera. Espero poder hacerlo bien con el one-shot de Fukiyose; ¡fue realmente difícil de hacer! Muchas gracias por eso, pero creo que tienes razón: Touma es lo mejor que le puede pasar a Index y Othinus, pero también al revés; ambos lo han "salvado" por derecho propio y por eso me han dado la mayor conexión con él de todo el elenco. En todo caso, realmente no puedo ver el trío de ellos divididos por lo divertidos que están trabajando juntos. ¡Y me alegra que te guste la colaboración que estoy haciendo con el estimado NineBall! El pensamiento que estábamos haciendo para ese proyecto realmente apuntaba a que corrijamos su carácter melancólico y nos centráramos en cómo era ella y cómo debía hacer las cosas con Touma, así que, como siempre, lograr que su personaje fuera el primero era una gran prioridad para el ¡Nosotros dos cuando se trataba de la escritura de ese trabajo! ¡Entonces descubriste que el segundo capítulo era mío! Espero que cuando lleguen las conclusiones, realmente te guste y el trabajo se convierta en algo que hayas disfrutado plenamente, al igual que BTL. Pero sí, el enfoque del último capítulo también se puede considerar 'pecado' en la distancia, dado cómo fue escrito. Creo que el mundo de Kamachi con Index, mientras se explora en un LN y se hace bien, podría beneficiarse mucho más con un formato más largo para cubrir esos pequeños problemas con la política y todo. Pero, de nuevo, aunque hay momentos en los que se necesita más, no siempre se necesita saber a qué me refiero y creo que hace un gran trabajo independientemente de cómo hace las cosas. Pero creo que fue por esta falta de señalarlo que dio origen al último capítulo y cómo abordaba el pequeño "agujero" en la escritura que Kamachi puede abordar o no teniendo en cuenta cómo funciona su escritura. ... Touma parece un consejero de bienestar, ¿no? Necesitamos el pasado de Seria con Touma ya ...
Agent Nine: Well, Touma is pretty humble so him outwardly stating what he did is a pretty big deal although I'm pretty sure he doesn't even think of it like that. I agree with that, although I do think he would have a tough time against Gunha because of their similar fighting styles.
Kami: It'd be hard to determine whether he'd be good or bad at it knowing his misfortune. As for that play, I've never heard of it… And as for that request, I think I've already gotten one filed away for you so I hope that you can patiently wait for it to appear and enjoy this chapter in the meantime! Although I think maybe ACUL0 is where you need to go for Serious or OOC Touma. As for Berserker Touma vs. Berserker Accel, I get the feeling Accel would win mainly because Touma wouldn't have the same analytical mindset he usually adopts for fighting Accel.
pop2ww: I get the feeling that something would be unleashed on the world if either Touma or Othinus were killed in front of each other if you know what I mean. What is this story you speak of?! But having Touma brag seems a bit much but maybe in a future arc, I'll introduce someone who pushes Touma to do things that he hasn't before which will be a nice change. I wanted to use last chapter though to cover more of the 'gaps' you have noted with NT 9 and the stuff that is covered there. LNs can't really focus a lot on the small things which makes sense so I think using this is a way to do that is fun in its own right. But speaking of which, in NT 9, Touma lost the one thing he wanted and chose to crush that with his own hands. So now that he has returned to the world he has reclaimed, what can he do to reclaim a part of that perfect world back? I do think that he would be driven to do whatever he could for the sake of that world he forsook. Even if there are shortcomings due to loss, that doesn't mean that thy always have to be there and hence, was the focus for last chapter. I do think that Touma is smarter in ways that are not too obvious and the way that he goes about trying to resolve the conflict between the two Level 5s is an example of that: not focusing too much on forgiveness but settling for acceptance at the same time. I liked how you noted the similarities between Touma and Othinus and Accelerator and Mikoto and because they turned away from something in front of them because they did not want to accept it, in their own way, they also forced themselves to become victims in their own right because of the 'trap' they became a part of by placing each other in those roles. But as you said, Touma is there to ensure that they can smile…but given the compromise, I also think that the way you put it as having 'less tears' is a lot more accurate. But the only way that they can do that is if they take their first step themselves. In a way, knowing the two of them, I don't see either forgiving the other either but accepting who they became and the good they did for the Sisters but not necessarily the pain that they went through for it because of how they have suffered in their own right, exactly as you said. But Touma is there, pushing them both along and making them see something they don't want is also him doing something pretty dark in his own right; acting as the "shadow" and making them face something they don't want to. But in this one-shot is the tragedy of Touma being 'saved' so I hope you can look forward to that… I do think that Touma being the focus is where ACUL0 starts and BTL ends. The latter here is more shorts but the former is more of a progressive story even though, on occasion, the latter bleeds into the former but never the other way around (unless you count the Rumour). What-ifs are heaps fun though…especially when they create Touma x Accelerator doujins, which exist by the way.
Dark Tyrant-Fool: In a way, you can say it has already started...!
Asep: Well, Chapter 47 was basically a subversion of the harem trope while also having Touma accept the harem in his own unique way. It definitely was a weird one though...
As a whole, let's get started with the thanks!
Firstly, to be my beta reader PokeRescue18. Once again, my eternal thanks for everything you have done for me.
Secondly, to you, the reader. You've stuck with me the entire time so thank you for everything you've done. When the word count reaches something like 10K, they can't really be called 'one-shots' anymore but you stick with me regardless. Thank you.
And to Darkson! This came from them, so I really want to thank them for their contribution. In this sense, you could think of BTL as a fanfiction crowd funding project right? Even though the time lag can leave something to be desired sometimes… Sorry about that!
Whatever the case, here we go!
Enjoy.
Mr Question Mark.
A View Of All That Has Happened. Breaking_The_Personal_Rule.
If there was anything Shokuhou Misaki felt in the world it was the fragility of what people felt about others and how they saw the world.
People always felt they were individuals; that the way they perceived and saw the world was something only they did and saw. They felt that their perspective and thoughts were something that they as an individual only held in the scope of things and that there was nothing that could harm that thought or their perception.
Their thoughts and what they saw was something they kept to themselves. It was an unavoidable area that no one was allowed to touch and it was beyond private; it was the essence of how they were and formed their very core.
The mind was said to be the very essence of a person and many people felt it was untouchable, something they alone held and that they alone were allowed to view or make changes to.
Shokuhou's power of Mental Out though only served to step all on that very thought.
It stepped all over the concept of privacy, individuality and even the concept of being allowed to revel in one's own sense of identity. Mental Out was more than just a mind reading power; it was everything that ever could be or ever is about the mind itself. Anything anyone thought, did or said, it was touched and could be touched by Shokuhou.
In that sense, perhaps to an extent, Shokuhou herself was someone who held the key to everyone's hearts. Definitely in the way she could control them and minds, there was nothing stopping her from going into someone's deepest and darkest secrets. Everything in the world could be accessed by her and there was nothing she could not touch with her power.
Nothing was safe, nothing was sacred and nothing was blocked off by her. While that made her seem like a monster though, there were definitely certain rules she placed on herself when it came to her power. Even she had a conscious and there were things she could not stand when it came to her power and how she would use it. She had set up those limitations on herself as a way of monitoring herself and her own power and they were definitely a large part of the pillar that supported her mind.
Those rules and pillars would always stand when it came down to it and Shokuhou herself felt it was extremely important that those pillars did not break or bend lest something happen to her as a person she did not really want to think about.
She would never cause the death of someone using her power.
She would never cause suffering on a great level to someone else using her power.
She would never run from responsibility when it came to anything she had done using her power, although there were certain limits on the responsibility she would claim.
And…
And…
And…
She would never look into the mind of Kamijou Touma using her Mental Out.
She had felt there was value in all those rules she had set up and she was going to do everything she could to uphold and value them. There were reasons for each and every part of those rules she had set up for herself and maintaining them was of the utmost importance for her and her mindset.
She would never cause suffering or pain to anyone using her power. She had full control of it and thus she knew exactly what she had the power to do and she knew exactly what she was capable of. She knew when to stop when she had taken things too far and she knew how far she had to go when it came to things such as this.
And thus, to prevent herself from going too far and crossing some line when it came to her power, she set up those rules for herself. She would not cause death or suffering using her power and if she happened to cause some pain through her power, then she was going to take responsibility for it in her own way.
The entire incident with Exterior during the Daihaseisai was something she had taken action of because of those rules. She had noted the suffering and the danger that device could have created in the hands of Kihara Gensei and thus had taken responsibility, moving with Misaka Mikoto in order to ensure it was destroyed.
That only showed how those rules formed her core and the person that was Shokuhou Misaki. Even though she could read minds and step all over the concept of individuality when she could snatch that away from someone and change them completely, she still felt those rules definitely formed the 'core' of the girl that was Shokuhou.
Each had their own place and each was working towards ensuring she did not become a common criminal who misused their powers for their own selfish goals. They each had their place in maintaining the dignity and the resolve of the girl known as Shokuhou Misaki.
But there was perhaps one rule she had set up that was not in place in order for her to maintain some sort of civil decency in the society of Academy City. There was one rule she had set up that broke free of the system and did not ensure she was a better person because she followed said rule.
And that was the personal rule that she would not look into the mind of Kamijou Touma.
That one spiky haired boy.
That one she had spent an entire summer with before it had come to an end.
That one who had saved her life which had resulted in him never being able to remember her.
She had a reason for not wanting to look into his mind. She couldn't place it but when she realised that it was a reason holding some kind of value, she only had to take her thoughts from there. Shokuhou knew she had formed that rule for some purpose and it had some meaning. She only had to find out what that meaning was.
Shokuhou Misaki had met the boy last August and the interactions she had made had made her form that rule inside her mind. Was that rule associated with interactions and time? It was normal to think so and just taking it from there gave Shokuhou the reason she did not want to look into the boy's mind.
Shokuhou Misaki valued him.
She valued the time they spent together, the things they did and the conversations they had. In a world filled with expectations of her and where she was looked upon as the #5 Level 5, she had spent time with the boy who had only treated her as a normal human being.
He had mocked her, had fun with her and they had spent time together as equals; not considering the role of the other but only looking at each other and not expecting anything but a good time when in the presence of a friend.
Shokuhou though, with what had happened yesterday, felt that new information regarding why the boy had stayed with her for so long had suddenly arisen.
Mitsuari Ayu.
The girl who was extremely similar yet extremely different to the girl known as Shokuhou Misaki. The girl who had been in the same position as her, had been through the same things as her yet had decided to throw it all away because of the Parameter List and the expectations she had failed to meet when placed on the scale against Shokuhou.
There had been so many paths and so many decisions involved in such, but it was Mitsuari who had been cast aside and Shokuhou who had been put in her place as the Level 5 with the greatest mental powers. There were so many points of similarity between them and she had been unable to bear them all, throwing them all away as she conducted an attempted suicide in the lake of Ground Geo.
And Kamijou Touma had been the one who had been unable to save her.
She had tried to call him, but he did not have his phone with him at the time and because of such, the failure to save the girl known as Mitsuari caused him to wallow in despair and sadness at the fact that a life had not been saved when he could have done something.
And then, as if to replace her, Shokuhou Misaki, with her similarities and differences had appeared in front of him. She had been the one that replaced the girl in his mind and he only saw her as someone who could possibly go down the same path as Mitsuari herself.
It was her fault Mitsuari had thrown herself into that lake and the boy had never once admonished her for it. He had never once hated her for it and he had never once complained or cried to her about the fact that someone so similar to her had died because of her.
He had only done the one thing that, even with her mental powers, Shokuhou had been unable to see through. He had smiled and said everything was alright, forgetting and discarding his pains, letting them sit and burn in his soul while he put on a brave face for the girl in front of him last year.
Shokuhou herself had not once looked into his mind. She had upheld that personal rule and there had been temptations to do so more than she could count.
The damage caused to his mind she had caused, so was it possible that looking into his mind and causing some kind of change would allow things to fix themselves? She had broken his mind and made him never be able to remember but was it possible she could fix him?
But because of that personal rule, she had never once looked into his mind and done her 'operation' that would save no one but herself.
What did he see and feel on a daily basis with that endless misfortune? When Shokuhou felt her own life was bad, didn't she just have to peer into his mind in order to make herself feel better about herself and the life she was leading?
But because of her personal rule, she had never once looked into his mind and viewed herself as someone lucky with what she had now.
And when she saw him on the side of the street and her heart screamed at her to do something about it, to look into his mind, more times than she could count, she had found herself pointing her remote at an angle that his right hand would not interfere and her finger trembled on a button to activate her power. She had almost been pushed and she was sure that even the slightest thing would have been able to push her over the edge; a change in the wind, what day it was, the time of day, where it was; they were all things that, if a little different, she was sure she would have peered into his mind.
But because of her personal rule, no matter how much it wavered, she never once looked into his mind despite the temptation to do so.
Was there a reason for such?
Looking at the time they had spent together and how much she valued him, there probably was. And it was probably related to the fact that, if anything, she wanted to trust that boy who had become her friend so long ago.
She had once told Mikoto she did not trust people she could not read the minds of. But the boy had been so open with her, so friendly and so kind that she had felt there were no secrets between them. Naturally, there were such as with Dolly and Shokuhou, but Shokuhou had felt that the connection the two of them had had was something where they did not need to hide anything. They were open, friendly and kind with each other and that was all that was needed.
No secret was going to tear them apart and no secret was going to come between them and their friendships.
How wrong she could have been.
She had coloured the boy all wrong. She had felt he was open, friendly and kind but if anything, he was closed, cautious and always on the look out for darkness when it came to her because of his experience with Mitsuari. Although she felt that the memories she had of Kamijou were the genuine thing, she could only feel that in some way they had been harmed to some extent because of his guilt over Mitsuari's supposed death and the replacement of her with Shokuhou.
She could only feel there was something in their memories tainted by the presence of that girl. It was a horrible thing to even think, but right now, she truly felt that view in light of recent events.
Something precious to her had been tainted. She had never once thought to look into the boy's mind because of that trust she held in him despite noting she never trusted someone until she looked into their mind. But with Kamijou Touma, she felt she didn't need to to find out who he was at his core.
He was always going to be the same person to her no matter what he felt or thought about her.
And that was definitely true. Even now, despite her thoughts that her memories were tainted in some way, it did not change what she felt about Kamijou in the slightest. She still trusted him, she still felt that he was her hero…
And…
And…
And…
She still…
Shokuhou Misaki did not look into the mind of the boy because she didn't need to. He was the same and he was always open with her. She had felt what they had was special and that she didn't need her powers because he was always open with her.
But right now, she felt that personal rule wavering.
Shokuhou had felt he was always going to be open to her and there was nothing painful in his heart. He had always seemed carefree and without a worry in the world but that was far from the truth. He had kept darkness in his heart and was just like everyone else in that regard, hiding his emotions and never once revealing them to avoid others worrying.
And shamefully, it had worked. No one worried for him because he seemed fine and Shokuhou felt disgusted at herself that she had never once noticed Kamijou in pain or suffering because of something. Being Mental Out, she knew the subtleties of people and what they hid in their hearts, so she should have been able to spot the darkness within him and addressed it in some way.
But she had never noticed.
Kamijou Touma had hidden his suffering with almost expert ease.
What was he feeling right now? Was he ever truly open with anyone? Were the feelings inside him still bottling up and never being released to anyone? Was he still hiding those feelings within himself right now as he lived?
Shokuhou Misaki did not and could not know. She could not once even comprehend the things he had done and been through. She could not even begin to guess the nature of the pain and suffering he felt and how exactly it was pushing him forward or backwards when it came to his own mental state.
In the end though, he was always the same; burdening himself with thoughts and feelings he didn't have to. Charging into whatever hell he could find just to ensure that anyone with tears in their eyes would have them wiped away as they smiled in the sun with or without him by their side. Nothing ever changed and he never did, always being the same no matter where or when he was, despite having lost his memories.
But…to what extent did he burden himself with those thoughts and his pains? He had never once discussed Mitsuari when he was with Shokuhou and for good reason, she would admit that. But the point was that he had never once said anything about his pains to anyone, only holding them inside of him where they sat and built up within his mind.
It hurt.
It hurt to see him like that and to see him think that his own burdens and pains didn't matter in the scope of others when he meant so much to them, especially Shokuhou herself. Granted she would never have that time again because of how he had forgotten her (something she wished was not the case at the bottom of her heart) and because of such, he would never trust her with his emotions and his pains. Even when they did know each other, he had never done so.
He had kept his worries and his pains to himself, never once allowing the pains of what he felt being shown on the surface. He hid everything and never said anything and the knowledge he was potentially suffering hurt Shokuhou more than she could say.
He could vent at any time.
He had numerous ears who would listen to him and his cries for help.
But he never once gave those cries. He never once cried 'Help me' and he never once opened his mouth and let out the emotions pent up within himself when he had seen and heard so many people do the exact same thing.
It was a burden on his own mind and keeping those thoughts to himself would only result in suffering. Sure, he would handle it but there was no solace in that point. There was only pain in that Kamijou Touma was seen as someone who would handle whatever pain thrown at him merely because it was him experiencing that pain.
He was hurting because of those burdens.
And that in turn hurt Shokuhou who could only watch on and do nothing about it.
Sure, there might not be anything severe and needed discussion but given he had hidden Mitsuari from her, that was a point no longer applicable. What else was he hiding, what else was he burdening himself with and what else was he doing to himself and his own mind that would surely press at it from all angles?
Despite being open, he was closed. Despite being friendly, he never trusted anyone with his deepest, darkest thoughts. Despite being loved, he never once opened up and revealed his true heart to anyone.
"Why…?"
Shokuhou Misaki asked that one question where she sat.
She was not outside, the white room where she was sitting sparkling with an almost reflective shine. The chair was hardly comfortable, but she did not care, reaching out with her hand to the bed she was sitting by and touching the forehead of the person who lay in it. Numerous machines and tubes were attached to him and beeping filled the air with regular intervals. That was a good sign and Shokuhou found herself at ease with that sound filling the air.
But the person sitting in the room was silent, sleeping in the middle of the day.
It was only them inside the room. The room had been locked in order to ensure no one disturbed the boy's sleep given how badly he had been injured given his escapades in Denmark and what had happened yesterday with Mitsuari which was partially her fault. They had already had their discussion where she had kissed him (the feeling of his forehead on her lips still made her blush slightly) but given that he needed rest after everything he had been through, the nurses had locked him inside his room.
Shokuhou though, having yet to leave the District 7 hospital, had managed to 'acquire' one of the keys to his room and gave herself the privacy of just the two of them inside.
Kamijou Touma slept soundly, his face peaceful and his expression calm. If there was any suggestion he had some kind of burden on himself, there was none of it right now. He seemed calm and there was nothing about him that told a story of someone who had seen pain and suffering to the extent that those thoughts were weighing down on his mind.
But he had managed to hide those things from Shokuhou Misaki, the strongest mental power user, perfectly so the calm expression on his face meant nothing to her. It told her nothing of the pain he might be feeling and the suffering he might be enduring. There was nothing she could do get him to open up because of how he didn't anyone to worry about it.
And yes, they didn't worry.
But instead, when they learned he didn't open up to them, it hurt worse than any worry they might have felt.
Shokuhou reached out and touched the boy's forehead, stroking it in an elder-sister like way (she felt that maybe she had been influenced by his words more than she liked to admit) and brushing some of his spiky hair that had gotten into his face. He moved slightly but Shokuhou's bare hand, as she had taken off her gloves, only felt the warmth of his skin beneath it.
"Why do you always have to be you? Why…Why for once can't you let yourself the chance to feel what we feel? That maybe someone can save you from what you are feeling? Many people, myself included, would do anything if we could make sure you have a smile on your face. I would give the world if you smiled and knew it was because of me. I would give the world." Shokuhou said that slowly, stroking the boy's face and feeling the warmth of the skin beneath.
How she had wanted to do this and how she had dreamed of the position she was in right now. She had made numerous plans, numerous strategies and numerous paths to take when she was in this exact situation but now that she was in it, her mind was absolutely blank and she did not know what to do.
In the end, no matter how silly she might have felt when these feelings were unrequited to a ridiculous extreme, she still felt the heartstrings within her tugging whenever she was this close to him. Everything she had planned fell into the water and no matter what, she just wanted to have one small moment with him to ensure he felt some relief because of her.
Was Kamijou Touma suffering because of some burden he was facing? And was there the chance for Shokuhou to liberate him from that very burden? She could not say what it was, however, in her mind now, she felt good about the fact he could not remember her.
"I realise this is breaking a personal rule of mine. That rule to never look into your mind…I think maybe I set it up because I didn't want to know what you were thinking. I haven't put enough analysis ability into myself to tell what I was actually thinking but I'm positive I set up that rule because of how open you were to me. I felt that I didn't need to read your mind because we didn't need something like that. We were equals, friends and never once did we think to lie to each other."
Shokuhou spoke softly as to ensure no one outside the room heard her as she stared at the boy's face. She giggled, touching the boy's lips with her index finger and rubbing them softly. He groaned and moved slightly but the bold action made Shokuhou blush, her racing heart telling her that that one touch was all she needed for a lifetime.
Still, the look in her eyes was solemn.
"But it was not the case. In the end, like me, you had secrets. I realise I have a lot of selfishness ability to even claim I was disappointed in you for having that but it's out in the open. We hid things from each other but we still had fun together; I'm not going to deny that. But above all my Prince, my personal rule was set up because I didn't need to look into your mind to see what you were thinking. I always felt I knew and even now, despite what I know, I want to think you were always open to me despite what you hid."
Shokuhou sighed, pulling back the hand as she leaned on the edge of the bed, smiling softly.
"I know that this is an excuse, a loophole…but my personal rule extends to your mind. It doesn't extent…to your memories." Shokuhou said dangerous words as she reached down to her side for the handbag there and picked out a small remote, the focus for her power. She held it in her hand, stroking one of the buttons.
She knew what she was going to do and what it was going to mean for her personal rule. She had made excuses, formed rationale and judgment against it but above anything, she had organised things so that she found herself feeling not guilty over what she was doing.
But even then, a small pang went through her heart as she realised the full extent of what she was doing and who she was doing it to. She had steeled herself for the full extent of what she was doing but even so, the smallest part within her hurt.
Still she knew this had to be done.
She had steeled herself for this at the very least.
"I don't know what you are burdening yourself with and nothing may come of it. I realise that fully," Shokuhou said those words slowly as she lifted her hand and rested the tip of the remote of the boy's head. "And I know that even if I find something and discuss it with you, you will forget what we discussed eventually."
Shokuhou knew everything she was saying aloud confirmed a small fact within her.
"But still, if I find something within your mind, a massive burden, and take the time to discuss it with you…"
And that was maybe something good would come of this. Maybe something good would arise from this and something good would fill her and the boy's heart at the very end of everything she was about to do. If there was even the slightest chance of this happening then she wanted nothing more than to complete her goal and go through with this, even if it meant breaking her personal rule.
"Then maybe, even if you end up forgetting what we talked about, you will remember that that burden was lifted off your chest as we discussed it. That would make your life easier, make your stance happier and make you realise that the burdens you bear are not something you are alone in facing."
Even if he ended up forgetting the discussion, the main points would remain in his mind. Even if he ended up forgetting who he discussed the topic with, he could remember the main points of discussion and that would allow him to be lifted from whatever burden weighing on his mind. If there was even the slightest chance of that, then no matter how small, Shokuhou was glad he would never remember her if it gave her the chance to go through with this.
But there was still even more motive for Shokuhou to go through with this despite it breaking her personal rule.
"Because, if I can find something within your memories; a burden you are not telling anyone and a burden weighing you down and are liberated from when we discuss it, then I know that will make you happy. And your happiness will make you smile."
Shokuhou Misaki stared at the boy sleeping and she smiled ever softly, once more using her bare hand to stroke the boy's forehead once more.
"I told you, didn't I? If it's to ensure you have great happiness ability and if you smile as a result of something I did…..then I would give the world. I would break my own personal rule if it is for that sake; to make you happy, to release you from your burdens and to make you smile."
She released her hand and stared at the remote pressed against the boy's head as he slept.
"Even if it is small, even if it means nothing…"
Her finger trembled slightly on the button but she still steeled herself and braved herself for the journey she was about to take. She knew the consequences, what she was doing, what it was going against but among everything, she did not care.
Even if it was small and even if it meant nothing…
"If this gives me the chance to save you, in even the smallest of ways, then I will not hesitate."
And Shokuhou Misaki pressed the button on the remote, activating Mental Out and plunging deep into the mind and memories of Kamijou Touma.
She felt she knew what she was going to find in there.
But in hindsight, she realised she had no idea the burdens one spiky haired boy who was a normal high school student had to bear in a life she knew nothing of.
The scene changed and Shokuhou found herself randomly placed inside a single dorm room. She looked around, but she realised she did not know where this was, the dorm room small and simple. When looking through memories, searching for something specific such as a burden was hard; burdens meant different things to different people.
For instance, a housewife might find a broken washing machine a burden while an elementary school child might find their small stature to be one. Neither 'burden' meant much to the other party so finding such based on perspective and individuality when it came to someone's memories was a difficult task.
Shokuhou Misaki had used her power to find something that was a 'burden' but the lack of specifics in the nature meant that her power was essentially running wild inside the boy's mind. Trying to search out a specific memory in the dozens meant she was going to sporadically experience memory after memory with no stimulus whatsoever.
Realising it now, if she had used her power to simulate a kind of 'filing system' within the boy's mind then searching through memories might have been easier. If she had treated the boy's mind as something like a hotel room, then she would have been able to access the 'memories' walking down a mental 'corridor', opening each 'door' that corresponded to a particular memory, event or date the boy saw as significant.
Having not done that though, in hindsight she realised it would make searching for 'burdens' difficult but if she simply faced and experienced the memories of Kamijou, she was sure she would come across something, no matter how sporadic the memories being shown to her might be.
And the first memory being shown to her was in a single dorm room with a simple layout. Shokuhou looked around in the boy's memory, his familiarity of the place meaning she could look at the room in the third person instead of in the first person looking through the eyes of Kamijou Touma. Indeed, it seemed Kamijou wore his heart of his sleeve and his dorm room reflected who he truly was.
Simple and normal to a fault.
The smell of something cooking filled the air and even Shokuhou found herself drooling. She turned her head and saw Kamijou himself, standing over a cooktop with chopsticks in his hands and deep frying something inside a pan filled with oil. She stared at it, seeing the piece of chicken in its golden-brown state and even within the memory, the smell and the texture of the meat seemed almost perfect.
(H-He cooks for himself every single day like this? Last year, his cooking ability weren't as good as this!)
Jealousy and envy filled Shokuhou's heart as she recalled how last year she had become the victim of many of the boy's recipes. They weren't exactly enough-to-make-you-hurl bad, however, they were not cuisine Shokuhou was used to eating when she regularly ate at Tokiwadai. But seeing the chicken in front of her only made her realise that Kamijou, much like her and her body, had come a long way since then.
"Index!" The boy called in his memory. "Dinner!"
"OK Touma! Comiiiiiiiiiiiing!"
A voice came from outside the dorm, on the balcony as Shokuhou looked up and saw a silver haired girl, one she had seen with Kamijou many a time before. Her nun's habit with its white and gold pattern made it seem like the girl herself was a teacup, fragile and ready to break with her petite physique but also girlish charm. A cat followed the girl as she came into the dorm room, walking to where Kamijou was and looking and the deep-fried chicken he was cooking.
"Wh-What is this delectable smell, Touma?! I can see the beauty of the food rising above the food itself!"
"What kind of hallucination can you even get from the steam while deep frying, Index?! At least you're not reaching for it with bare hands…. I don't even want to remember what happened last time. Get the plates and the bowls for the rice. I'll be over in a minute."
"OK!"
Shokuhou stared as she watched the girl, the burden she was experiencing being one she felt in her own heart rather than that of Kamijou's. She was happy for the nun in the position she was in but a seething jealousy and burning envy filled her heart as she looked at the smile on the girl's face.
The girl had realised herself the position she was in and she had accepted it, but even so, the jealousy Shokuhou felt directed solely at the nun in a position that could have been hers was bitter and painful. Still, she only stood and watched the scene play out, Kamijou picking out the chicken from the pan and the girl called 'Index' (clearly a fake name) cheerfully swung around the plates she had brought out, inevitably resulting in one of them smashing on the ground.
Kamijou was clearly angry, the lecture he gave the girl and the grumbling she made in response, although stern, was clearly light hearted. The scene was plain, normal and completely unimportant when it came to the world itself. Shokuhou though, merely being a spectator could only watch despite the emotional pain she was feeling, watching the boy and the girl interact with each other.
What was the burden to be felt in this case? Shokuhou was not sure but even so, being the bystander, the only thing she could do was stand there and watch everything as it played out. There was surely a reason for this memory to show itself first but the reason it was the case eluded her completely.
But even so…
This memory surely had some importance to Kamijou Touma. Whatever it was and whatever the nature of that importance, she did not dare say; it was something he held dear in his own heart and something only he understood.
Yet as all things did, it came to an end.
Ksssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Like static running through a television, the entire scene shimmered and sparked with black and white, exactly like static on a television. Shokuhou was not surprised; watching the world in front of her change as the sporadic memories changed from one to another without any pause and without her having any interference in the matter.
The static cleared and the scene fixed itself, clarity coming to the vision being shown to Shokuhou now. She looked around seeing that the space she was in she knew well; after all, she had been in this exact same room during the Ichihanaransai.
It was a classroom in A Certain High School and given who was the subject of the mind she was looking into, she could deduce it was Kamijou's classroom. Shokuhou herself was sitting at one of the tables inside the classroom, looking around. The voices behind her came through loud and clear.
"We can't rank them solely on their powers alone. Even if it is Academy City and even if there are nothing but rumours, it lies with us in order to determine the true ranking behind them!"
That voice came through the air as well as a desk slam, something that indicated someone had hit a desk rather hard. Shokuhou, startled at this, turned and her face softened as soon as she saw the person she was in front of. Sure, she could only see his back but even so, she felt a calming sensation run through her as she looked at the spiky haired boy showing her his back instead of his front.
That was fine though.
She had been through that scene and had experienced this so many times before that no matter how painful it was to her, she had gotten used to seeing that back. Even though she realised how pitiful that was, she looked up and saw the two other people Kamijou was conversing with; a blond haired boy with sunglasses and a blue haired boy with piercings in both ears.
It was Kamijou who had hit the desk, the other two boys nodding and looking as though they completely agreed with what he had said.
"You're absolutely right, Kami-yan. Although the entire City believes the ranking system is absolute, the ranking systems of people like us are entirely different. They stand on a different stage entirely and the Academy City has failed to understand this whatsoever!" The blond haired boy said that out loud while the blue only shook his head, leaning against the window of the classroom.
"Hah. I can't believe I failed to realise such a basic thing from the very beginning. No, it only makes sense! The obvious is what is hardest to see! I was a fool and my eyes were closed the entire time such that I never once saw the truth for what it was and how flawed the system itself was!" said the blue haired boy with an air of arrogance.
(Your eyes are closed anyway.)
"Your eyes are closed anyway, Aogami Pierce!"
Kamijou Touma said that at the same time Shokuhou had thought it, leaving her with a somewhat pleased expression on her face that they were so in tune with each other. It was somewhat petty, but even then, she knew it was the small things that accumulated over time that mattered the most. At least, that was how she felt.
Whatever the case, the mysterious issue being discussed Shokuhou herself had no insight into. She felt exactly as she was, the bystander only looking on. Kamijou that scoffed at the remarks made, putting a hand to his forehead as if he were a criminal mastermind.
"Of course you didn't. You never once questioned it and that's how the City wants you to think. They have everyone in the palm of their hand and no one can do a thing about it because of how they don't notice the very obvious. Even if we only take rumours into account, even if we only take things we hardly know about them, there is one thing that is absolute."
Kamijou said those words and Shokuhou felt herself instantly pulled into them. Being someone who looked into people's minds, she always had the answer to whatever questions were put to her but right now, she was being told there was something out there she did not know and had failed to see. That only sparked warning signals in her brain and she leaned forward, trying hard to listen and pick out the details of what she had missed.
It was true, the obvious was what was usually missed when it came down to it.
But even so, it was when it was pointed out that it made the most sense after all. It was only then that one realised how the system had pulled the wools over their eyes. There was something within Academy City that had not been realised and it was something Shokuhou had failed to note.
Her pride was instantly wounded and she leaned forward, listening intently at what Kamijou felt everyone had missed and what was absolute within the world that no one had noticed.
Kamijou Touma himself only pumped a fist and stood up, holding that fist in the air as if he had had a divine revelation of world shattering proportions.
"Yes, even though they are ranked #3, #4 and #5 as Level 5s we lack the proper foundation to rank them as girls! Who exactly among the Level 5s is the sexiest?!
Both other boys cheered and 'oohed' as if they were seeing some kind of stage magician, their eyes (or what Shokuhou could see of them) sparkling with anticipation as they followed and looked at Prophet Kamijou.
Shokuhou only held her head in her hands, feeling as though the world had exploded and all her expectations were entirely destroyed. She felt foolish for having expected anything from Kamijou and everything she had looked forward to was thrown to the wind. Shame at the expectations she had set and fascination at the boy's stupidity filled her.
"Even if we collate the rumours, they have basis in what the girls look like nyah~!" said the sunglasses boy.
"So, in the end, if we take their characteristics, the frequency of their appearances, the fundamental following that each Level 5 has, the genres that they encompass, the roles they would play, their characterisations as heroines, their power and the likelihood of the flags, we can take all of that and determine which Level 5 is the best heroine."
"You're speaking crap again, Aogami Pierce, but yes! That is it! Through a fundamental analysis of the girls themselves and what we know of them, we can conclude which Level 5 is the best heroine!" Kamijou Touma said that with clenched fists, his eyes bloodshot as he tried his best to come to some kind of conclusion within himself, but the other two boys and their reactions to what Kamijou said only placed everything on the table to be seen.
"Well Kami-yan!? This was your idea! So give it to us nyah~. Which Level 5 is the sexiest to you?!"
"Exactly Kami-yan! And we won't accept the hidden answer of 'it's the female version of the #6 because we don't know who they really are'. #3 Railgun, #4 Meltdowner and #5 Mental Out. Who is #1!?"
Shokuhou Misaki, for everything she has said and everything she had thought, froze on the spot. Despite thinking the conversation was entirely stupid, wasn't this perhaps the fundamental point of comparison when it came to the Level 5 girls?
When it came down to it, the only thing that gave those girls a sense of superiority was what the City gave them. And the City itself was made up of its residents when you looked at it so proper analysis seemed to suggest that in order to analyse one's worth, it was the opinion of the common folk and the people beneath the Level 5s that gave them their worth.
Taking that idea far enough, then didn't the status of the girl Level 5s then come from the people they ruled over? Wasn't it only viewed and could only be seen when one looked at the other people and what they thought of them? In the end, while they might have passed it off as 'I don't care' each girl, when it came down to it, was viewed in the eyes of others. Wearing makeup and making themselves look good was for the purpose of ensuring others saw them in a good light so saying 'I don't care about what other people think' and then doing those types of actions was contradictory.
Thus, to determine her worth not only as a Level 5 but also as a girl, wasn't this conversation extremely important?! Yes, it was! It was extremely important! It had nothing to do with the fact that her hero and Prince Kamijou Touma was essentially choosing who was the best girl out of the Level 5s!
Shokuhou Misaki was merely looking at the opinion of the common folk and determining her place and ranking in the eyes of them. That was all this was. She had no ulterior motives such as hoping that, even in rumours, she had managed to get into that boy's heart. Not at all! It was merely a subjective analysis of where she stood in the eyes of the common folk!
Nothing more and nothing less.
Shokuhou immediately turned her entire body around, her eyes wide as the one who that had been pressured to answer crossed his arms and nodded.
"I think that's fair. As this was my idea and I am the one who has seen the light, I'll tell you who the best Level 5 is! Prepare to have your illusions destroyed!"
Shokuhou nodded frantically, gripping the back of the chair she was sitting on with almost monstrous pressure, her eyes wide and her entire mind focused on what she was about to hear and listen to.
"The best Level 5 girl is…!"
Ksssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
"Y-You have got to be kidding me! How is that fair?! What kind of clickbait play is this in the first plaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace?!"
The scene changed like static on a television screen and Shokuhou Misaki screamed at the top of her very lungs even though she knew no one would hear it. As a Tokiwadai lady she was taught to never lose her cool but even then, she found an exception.
"Give me a hint! A hint of what he was going to say!"
Shokuhou yelled into the air of the place she found herself in, a large room with the moonlight coming through windows on the roof. The walls were ordained with art and books and in the middle of the room a desk that looked to be of the finest wood, given the way it shone in the moonlight.
Shokuhou, although frantic in her mind and struggling to put everything together, tried to calm herself as she panted heavily in rage and exhaustion. While she had come into the boy's memories for the sake of allowing herself to find a burden she could relieve him of, when it came down to it she was the only one feeling anything. Her jealousy and envy at the girl known as Index and her anger at not being able to know what he was going to say at the eleventh hour were burdens on her own mind and she seethed that it was the case.
Still she paused, calmed herself and tried to figure out what was going on.
In the middle of the room was a man with white and green hair, completely unfamiliar to the girl. In his hand was a gun pointed right at the person standing on the other end of the room, a familiar spiky haired boy with his face turned up in tension at the gun pointed right at him.
That scene was clearly unnatural. The fact that Kamijou was being threatened by a complete stranger to the girl was the only thing she needed to activate all of her senses and direct her rage at the man holding the gun. Being nothing but an observer though, she could only watch, however, noted that the boy was staring up into the sky and not at the man holding the gun at him. Shokuhou turned where Kamijou was looking and went wide eyed as she saw someone there; a man.
Unable to intervene in anyway whatsoever Shokuhou could only note the features of the man in the sky. It was hard to tell whether he was a boy or a man, his height gave the deception that he was a man yet he had a boyish face. There was a cigarette in his mouth, a bar code on his cheek, his hair was red and his black clothes would have normally made him invisible with the backdrop of the night sky but the window and the moonlight gave off his image.
The man (or perhaps it was more accurate to call him a priest given the clothes he was wearing) was floating in mid-air with nothing to support him but his face seemed turned up in tension. Was it possible that given the hostility the green haired man was showing he had an esper who could manipulate gravity?
Whatever she felt and whatever analysis Shokuhou had though was lost at the next words from the green haired man.
"Explode from the inside, rune magician."
The priest's body exploded.
That was the only explanation for the sight Shokuhou was greeted with.
Blood and flesh scattered in all directions at the words of the green haired man. Despite red filling the vision of the girl watching helplessly, the only thing she could see, with horror, was that the man was not dead. Despite the flesh and the blood scattered everywhere, there was one horrifying fact above all.
It that was she could see each individual blood vessel and the priest's heart was still intact. The blood vessels were laid out like lights on a house during Christmas, feeding blood to and from the heart in a grotesque display. The man had been entirely skinned, only the muscle and everything that lay beneath the man showing itself to the world as, despite what had happened to his body, the man's heart still beat.
Bile rose in Shokuhou's throat and she struggled to even hold back her sick. She paled, stepping back in pure shock at what she was looking at, unable to even form words at the sight. Sweat poured from her forehead and she forced herself to keep her eyes focused on the horrible sight above her, taking in every detail.
The blood, the vessels the organs; she took in everything and could only stare in shock and with a pale face. She was unable to even register what was happening but even so, only one reality made its way through her mind.
And that was this was a memory. She was seeing what Kamijou Touma had once seen and he had once viewed himself. This was nothing more than something he had once seen, being shown to Shokuhou as she struggled to come to terms with it. She rose a bare hand to her mouth, struggling to hold back her scream and throw up on the spot, falling to one knee.
In doing so, her sight was ripped from the sight above her, yet the memory of it was still imprinted in her brain. She struggled to bite back her vomit, spit and saliva coming out of her mouth. Instead, she forced herself to take control of her stomach and the human need to throw up within her.
Kamijou Touma had seen that? This was his memory and there was no lie, so he had seen that happen in front of him?
This is exactly what Shokuhou Misaki had been worried about from the very beginning.
She had never known he had seen something like this. She had never known he was bearing this memory and she had never known he had even seen something so remotely horrible. Merely reliving the memory made her sick yet Kamijou had been there when it had happened, unable to see the end result of what was going to happen. He had experienced that event first hand and that would have weighed heavily on his mind.
Was this part of the burden within him? Was this pressing on his mind even now as he lived out his normal life?
Just from this one memory, Shokuhou had seen all she needed to see. The way the boy smiled and interacted with the people he had spent time with gave no mention of this event. Shokuhou herself knew that he had lost his memories not only of her but also that he had lost all memories before the date of July 28th. Which meant that he had seen this memory, this horrific event after that date.
Yet even though this would have been relatively 'new' in his mind, he had never once shown that he was affected or twisted in some way by the events he had seen. Everything in his mind was relatively 'new' yet he had been faced with this and probably explained why this memory appeared to Shokuhou so early on while looking into his mind; there was very little else in his memories and thus the sporadic switch between memories had taken this memory and shown it to her.
Yet this burden was one he had never once shown to those that he was with. Just like with Mitsuari Ayu, he was hiding his pain perfectly. To ensure no one worried, he said and did nothing about this pain within him and for that alone, he was made to bear the weight of this memory all alone with no one to support him.
Was this the burden Shokuhou wanted to see and liberate him from? She had been prepared for something, some kind of suffering but never this. She had never expected this and the realisation of her own weak heart slowly pushed her over the edge.
What was she supposed to say to this? What was she even supposed to say to this that would make the boy's burden and pain upon seeing it lessen? The simple thought that she could even relate and even lessen the burden of this was ridiculous and she felt disgusted with herself for thinking herself arrogant enough that she could 'save' the boy from this type of pain.
In the end, she could do nothing but watch as the scene played out when she was looking at the boy's memories. In the end, she realised she knew nothing about the boy and there was nothing she could do to comfort him in his pain, even if he would forget the conversation they were going to have.
The sick Shokuhou wanted to puke out was only reflective of that one fact; the fact that despite her resolve, despite her breaking her personal rule and despite what she had said, they were merely words.
They were nothing.
And Kamijou Touma, when it came to his burdens, could not be saved. There was no way anyone apart from someone who had experienced this event themselves like that priest up in the air with his blood vessels exposed and heart still beating would be able to relate and comfort the boy from any burden he might have had.
And that worthlessness only extended to Shokuhou even more.
She had felt she could do something as the #5 Level 5 Mental Out.
Yet even now, one memory spanning a few seconds long showed her she could do nothing in the face of this to calm the boy and save him. Her weakness and hopelessness hit her like a ton of bricks, but she forced out words nonetheless.
"That's enough…"
She had seen enough.
She knew her weakness and just this one memory was enough to tell her anything she might say to the boy would have been shallow when she knew nothing. It would have been shallow, hollow and meant nothing as she truly did not understand things in the slightest.
When someone had a broken heart, they would need all the consoling they could get. Even if someone did not understand and they managed to comfort someone else, it was when pain was known and shared that comfort was truly given. But here there was none of that. There was nothing Shokuhou Misaki, despite her power, despite her strength and despite her resolve could do.
"End this now…"
She could do nothing for her Prince who had almost given his life to save her.
She could do nothing for the one person she wanted to make smile because of her.
She could do nothing.
And it made her sick, repulsed at herself and repulsed at what she had seen and how she was worthless in the face of comfort. Her body trembled, and she closed her eyes, waiting for the sound she knew was coming.
Ksssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Shokuhou sighed in relief and looked up as she awaited the next scene; the scene of the hospital room of the boy she was supposedly 'comforting'. She felt revolted she had the nerve to even say it was that, but she knew that while she had failed, it had been her noble goal nonetheless.
Yet it was not the case.
The alleyway she saw had the body of Misaka Mikoto in it, lying on the ground in a pool of her own blood.
No, this was a memory, so that was physically impossible. Instead, the only thing that registered in Shokuhou's mind was vague information about something she knew a lot of, the project involving the clones of the #3 known as the Sisters. Since Mikoto herself was not dead, then the only thing this could be was…
One of the Sisters.
This would have been the moment Kamijou Touma, the one who had faced and stalled the Experiment had come across it for the first time.
And how Shokuhou wished he could have figured it out in some other way.
Blood sprayed along the alleyway around the centre of the dead Sister. In the centre of the grotesque display was a mixture of blood, flesh and muscle; it was a corpse that no longer had the dignity to be called formerly human. It was a 'thing' once human but no longer had the characteristics of such anymore. Red littered the alleyway in the sun and there was no longer any presence of a person in front of them, only remains of what had once been one.
Shokuhou knew of the Sisters and what had been done to them.
But…seeing it for herself was something she never wanted to do and in this way. She cast her head down, feeling shameful for doing so but at the same time closing her eyes and, knowing this was a memory, shut out the sight of what she had seen.
If she had looked anymore, she would have noticed it for sure.
After all, the inside of the Sister had been exploded outwards, at least that was what it looked like; as if a bomb had gone off beneath her skin. So, if that was the case and everything inside of her had been blown outwards, then one question remained.
Where were her organs?
Shokuhou didn't even want to consider it and closed her eyes tight, clenching her fists as she only had a simple fact within her confirmed once more.
And that was she never once understood Kamijou. There was no way she could even remotely come to understand and comfort the boy for what he was feeling and what he had been through. It wasn't an issue of her giving up and her forgetting her resolve; it was the scope of what she was being made to see. It made her sick and the fact these were nothing but memories only haunted her.
Imagine Breaker meant that there was no way she could erase them and ensure he was saved. Kamijou Touma would live with this for his entire life and there was not a single thing she could do. Despite her power, there was nothing she could do.
Despite her power, she was worthless, hopeless and pointless.
And most of all, she could not save Kamijou. There was no way she would be able to free him from these things in his mind and her weakness pounded into her once more as she came to terms with it, the weight on her mind pressing down even further.
"I…I get it."
She let out those words as she held her hands close to her chest, feeling the thing she had tied there after the incident with Kamijou had ended. The silver emergency whistle was her lifeline and a memory of her own time with the boy but the pain she could now associate with it only pressed down at her mind.
"I get it! I get that I can do nothing! What else do you want to show me?! Are you trying to mock me for the things I missed, for the things I did not see and for the times I was not there?! What could I even do?! He doesn't remember me! No…No matter how much I tried, his memory ability of me is entirely gone! A-And yet you show me this to mock me and show me the pain he has been through I cannot save him from?!"
Who was Shokuhou shouting at with her eyes closed? She was unsure, but she knew that all she had to do was wish it and she would pull herself out from this memory and into the real world. The scene in front of her had only caused her to lose her cool and her rationale as she tried to get it all together, focusing entirely on her power to release her from delving into the boy's memories.
All it would take would be a simple command.
'Release'.
That was it.
That was all that was needed.
Ksssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Yet she could not even do that.
The moment that that sound came through the air, the sound to signify the change in the memories, Shokuhou felt her weak heart look up in order to see the hell she had missed. She had not managed to be by the side of the boy to experience this and she had not managed to hold onto him tight enough to allow herself the chance to prevent what was happening in the boy's memories.
Why did she do such? She couldn't say and she did not know why she looked up despite knowing that the memory was going to be painful. She knew that each memory was only going to tell her once again that she was weak; that she could do nothing to console the boy given the things he had seen and faced. Talking about these memories was not going to make them go away and they would only be a small release.
For everything he had seen and everything he had faced, there was no way he was going to get the chance to be liberated from them.
He was an unconditional hero who saved everybody no matter who they were and did not discriminate in the way he saved, whether you were boy or girl, he would reach out to save you.
But in a way, with the incidents he was made to see, that was truly the greatest curse.
The sight she saw now was that of the blond haired boy with sunglasses she had seen what seemed like a lifetime ago. He was bleeding profusely and light erupted from all around him, enveloping Kamijou's sight.
Shokuhou Misaki composed her mind after seeing that sight and prepared to give the one command, the one thought to escape from the hell that was Kamijou's memory she could not release the burden from.
Ksssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Yet that sound came through the air, making her watch as another memory came through, making her pause as she looked at the memory in front of her.
A brown skinned boy who had an obsidian knife and a face that looked as though it was peeling off was fighting Kamijou to the death.
Shokuhou still collected her thoughts and once more prepared to escape…
Ksssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
But found herself still locked inside the hell she had pulled herself into.
This time she saw the sight of a girl with long hair wearing the Kirigaoka Girls' Academy uniform with a hole in her head and what looked to be a triangular prism within.
Ksssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
A nun standing in the middle of a circle of other nuns who all surrounded her, the bruised nun in the centre staring at Kamijou who had come to save her.
Ksssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Kamijou throwing out his right fist into a mass of the 11th dimension to prevent it from fully materialising.
Ksssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
A long black haired girl lying in a pool of her own blood with the red-haired priest and a small child with pink hair by her side.
Ksssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
An ice boat that moved through the canals of Chioggia.
Ksssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
A yellow clad woman standing and fighting in the rain with what looked to an angel standing and overwatching the entire fight between her and Kamijou.
Ksssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Falling through the skies above the city of Avignon.
Ksssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Being beaten to a bloody pulp with a blue clad man who dished out pain like it was nobody's business.
Ksssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
"Stop it."
Ksssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Having his right arm amputated by a man in red as they flew through the sky on the land mass that had appeared in Russian airspace.
Ksssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Stretching his arm to the limit because of a castle that had been sent through the sky for the sole purpose of eliminating him.
Ksssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
"Stop it already…!"
Ksssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Facing a war-torn Hawaii and a girl in green.
Ksssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Running through Baggage City and seeing the blood that covered the walls in that hell.
Ksssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
The Ichihanaransai and the pain from being shot in the side, pushing his body to the limit as he walked out of the hospital room where he had been treated.
Ksssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
"I…I understand! I realise it! What else do you want me to say?! I understand that the pains he went through are hardly things anyone would normally have been able to take! Why…? Why do you keep on showing me these things!? What purpose does it serve!? Do you want me to lose myself in the knowledge that there's nothing I can do for him?!"
Ksssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
The Agitate Halation incident and the boy pounding down, with tears in his eyes, his blond haired friend who had changed his hair colour but still had the same sunglasses she would never miss anywhere.
Ksssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
"I said I could do something…. I thought I could help him like he helped me so many times. So why? Why…Why does he have to experience these hells? How is it fair!? When he's done so much and helped so many, why does he get this in return!? It's not fair… It's not…fair…"
Ksssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Shokuhou Misaki said nothing as she held her eyes tight shut, unable to even look up for the knowledge that what she would see would be the same as always; another hell and another memory that would solidify in her mind the fact she had never been there for Kamijou and that she was never going to be able to release him from his burdens. What she knew she would see when she looked up was going to be yet another scene that would tell her of what Kamijou Touma had been through…and how she could not save him from it.
But even so, she found herself looking up. She had no idea why she continued to do so but through her frantic mind and the emotions running through her, the only thing her entire body did was look up, on her knees on the floor she found herself on.
She did not know what she would see but she knew it would only tell the same story it always did; that she had failed to comprehend what Kamijou had been through and the effect it was having on his mind. If it was having any, he hid it perfectly but there was no way Shokuhou would be able to understand or carry the burden he had been through.
Because she did not understand, she could not comfort and because of such, she would not be able to release the burden from him. He would never share it and never be freed from the hell that was his own mind and experiences. It was a tragic story and that only tore at Shokuhou's soul all the more.
Because it wasn't just a story.
It had really happened to him and he had seen and done all those things.
Yet he never said a word.
It couldn't get any worse. That was the only thing in Shokuhou's mind as she slowly looked up, unable to keep her repulsive curiosity from making her look up and see what was going to be in front of her and the memory she was about to see.
"Ah, Ahhhhh…"
She had no idea.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
Shokuhou Misaki screamed as she sat on her knees, rising her hands to her mouth to stop the monstrous cry that leapt from her mouth, but the sound raced out, echoing in the space she had found herself in.
There was…nothing.
Just black.
Endless black.
There was nothing on the horizon, no light, no landmark, only more black and it extended forever and in every direction. It was as if the world had been destroyed and there was nothing left, like a blank slate and an endless space in which nothing existed and nothing could even live. That was how hopeless the black was; it was endless and invading.
Shokuhou registered that in the very depths of her mind but what made her scream and roar in sorrow, pain and suffering was not the sight of the world it had become.
It was what lay in the black up ahead.
There was no ground. Only black yet the 'thing' lying on the black was fixed in place so it was clearly on the ground. Given how dark everything was it seemed impossible for there to be any light to even register, yet the smell of iron and the sight of a red liquid spreading across the black was seen, being almost a liberating colour from the darkness.
Yet, if it was even possible, that red only signified even more darkness.
"No… Please no… Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please… No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no…"
Shokuhou Misaki did the shameful. Still on her knees, she fell forward, landing on her stomach but finding her legs were no longer moving from the shock of what she was looking at. Finding that only her arms were moving, she used them and moved her useless body on the ground, dragging herself forward with an almost excruciatingly slow pace. Her mind refused to work as she could not even allow herself to process what she was looking at.
Yet her heart raced and her breathing escalated out of control as she moved forward, pushing herself forward faster and faster with everything she had. Each time she did, she only wished that this was not real.
But it was not the case.
After all, this was a memory.
Which meant it had already happened and everything was in the past.
But even so, that did not make what was in front of her OK. It did not make it good given that it was over and it did not make it something she could feel relived about in knowing it was no longer a threat.
It only made it all the worse.
Shokuhou Misaki crawled all the way to the thing and despite knowing she could not interact with what she was looking at given that this was a memory stared down at the 'thing' she had reached.
And the tears she had hoped would never come because she thought she was mistaken burst out. They fell from her starry eyes as she covered her mouth with her hands, shaking her head as she felt that the scene in front of her was the ultimate blasphemy.
There was no one here except Shokuhou Misaki and the 'thing' lying in front of her. And given there was no one else around and she was in the memories of someone else, there was only one thing that the 'thing' could be.
Kamijou Touma lay in the darkness, all alone, blood pouring from his side. No…that was not accurate.
His entire side was gone.
His entire left ribcage and the side of his stomach had been blown apart, like someone had set off a small explosive device near it. His guts spilled out, bits of bone poking out of what was left of his ribcage and Shokuhou could see faintly the outline of his lung, moving as it tried to drink in every breath it could. Red blood, white bone, yellow fat and pink muscle revealed itself fully. She stared, shaking her head with tears pouring from her eyes as she came to realise that this had happened and this was real.
Kamijou Touma was safe.
He was in front of her right now and she was merely looking into his memories.
Given that it was such, then this was something that had happened and had passed. In reality, he was safe, his ribcage and his entire left side were repaired and there was no damage whatsoever, as impossible it might seem. He was alive and well.
That should have been the only thing that mattered.
But in truth, Shokuhou Misaki didn't give a damn about that.
Because someone was physically fine, did that mean one could kill their entire family? That they could put them through the deepest pit of despair and since they were 'alright' physically, it meant nothing? Of course not. Even though they were fine, the end result and seeing them go through such were two different things.
If one felt nothing when they saw someone they knew being subject to pain despite knowing they would be put through it, did that make it alright to put them through that pain? Of course not. Shokuhou herself knew of the pain Kamijou had been through and while she had accepted there was nothing she could do about that, although reluctantly, she would never accept that Kamijou would ever be hurt in a way she could justify.
She wanted him to be safe, home and smiling even if it was not with her by his side. She didn't care about anything else and in her foolish attempt to save him even a little, she had tried to lessen his burden by looking into his memories. But even then, she had never expected this when it came down to it.
She would give the world to make him smile. …But given what she was looking at in front of her, it would take the world to do so. And that thought was heart breaking.
So seeing the boy in pain despite knowing he was fine, hurt. It hurt more than she could say and Shokuhou stared at what was left of Kamijou, looking at the wound he had sustained through God-knows-what means. His lung was moving, his blood seeped out, his guts had erupted out and…
That thing beating near his lung would have had to have been….
Shokuhou whimpered. She let out the sound that was hardly humane. It was accompanied by a flood of tears and a flood of sorrow as she stared at Kamijou. His heart beat slowly and the only thing Shokuhou could register was how it was slowing down and how it was ever so slowly coming to a spot.
Yet she still cried and wept her words out through her eyes that had lost their sparkle.
"I'm sorry… I-I'm so…so sorry. I…I couldn't be there. I…I never knew. You were always there for me ever when we had parted ways. You deserve the best but not this. Never this. I can't do anything…! Why? Why is this your burden?! What did you do to deserve this in any way?! I can't… I can't…"
Kamijou Touma was dying alone. There was no way he could be saved despite already having been such and Shokuhou felt nothing but disgust and endless sorrow at what was in front of her right now. She felt nothing but hopelessness, regret and despair at the sight as she stared at the boy's fading eyes and their dying light.
And Shokuhou Misaki stated the obvious when this was nothing but a memory, the reality of such only causing more tears to burst from her eyes and patter on the black ground.
"I can't save you."
"Then…save yourself."
Kamijou Touma, the boy dying in front of her and who was nothing more than a memory said those words.
Shokuhou Misaki's eyes went wide as she stared at the boy talking to her despite being a memory.
That was impossible.
There was no way it was even possible for the boy to be conversing with her when she was inside his mind as nothing more than an observer. What the boy was doing by talking with her was essentially changing the memory, changing the past when time travel itself did not exist. It was fundamentally impossible for him to respond to anything she said when she said it and there was no way Kamijou would have said those words when he was experiencing this with no stimulus.
Meaning that because there was no stimulus in this world where there was nothing, Shokuhou could only infer he was talking to her. That the memory was conversing her.
Shokuhou, with her eyes still leaking tears stared at the boy in shock who looked at her with those almost lifeless eyes and formed a slight smile. He coughed once, blood coming from his mouth and his breathing increased, only using whatever strength he had left to look at Shokuhou. He moved his hand closed to her, Shokuhou staring as he reached out and touched her.
Shokuhou's eyes went wide.
If talking with her was impossible, then the act of physically touching her was even more so. She was nothing more than a memory, looking on in the boy's memories and thus not an existence that could be interacted with. But here was Kamijou touching and talking with her who was just an invisible bystander.
"Impossible…"
"Ha… Since this is happening now, it can't be right? Don't be so narrow minded…*cough*"
Kamijou coughed once again as he lay on the floor, the movement of his body causing unbelievable pain to run through him. His eyes went wide and it looked as though he was being teared into from the inside, however, Shokuhou didn't care for any of that. She only stared at the fact that Kamijou was touching her, only thinking of a horrible possibility in the depths of her mind.
She turned, facing Kamijou now and reached out her hand to touch his face.
It made contact.
But that in itself only made Shokuhou feel the true depths of the horrors in front of her. The boy's skin was cold and the reality of what was going to happen to him hit her full front as she struggled to keep herself together. Her breathing escalated and she shook her head as if to deny what was going to happen to Kamijou.
But she already knew. After all, this had already happened.
"You're… You're…"
"You know already. After all you said it yourself. I can't be saved." Kamijou said that plainly, simply and without any emotion, something that flared life within Shokuhou. She cried out at the top of her lungs.
"Don't say that! Y…You are! You can be! You CAN be saved!" Shokuhou screamed that at a volume she never knew she had within her as she stared at the boy beneath her. He only smiled and reached out with his hand, touching her cheek softly and wiping the tears in her eyes away.
"I can't. This is a memory after all. This is my own mind, so I know for a fact I can't be. I know there is a foreign presence inside my head and I'm working to get you out. I'm not going to deny that. But I can't be saved." Kamijou said that simply, saying words Shokuhou could not just ignore.
"That's impossible. There's no way you can sense me inside your mind. My power and the way it works doesn't allow for something like that." She said, grabbing the boy's hand with her own, ignoring how cold it was.
Kamijou shook his head.
"Perhaps…I phrased it wrong. It's more like *cough* this is a self-defence mechanism I put up inside my own head."
"Self…defence?"
Kamijou only smiled.
"To anyone who came into my head. I have no idea if it was consciously set up or not but… I'm here as a warning. And a threat in a way," Kamijou's tone was light but the way he looked at her now was so cold and threatening Shokuhou could only freeze up in fear.
"Don't go any further into my memories."
It wasn't a request, it was an order. An order telling her to not progress lest Shokuhou lose her mind as she came to terms with what he had faced. Shokuhou had reached this stage and that in itself was enough for her to tell that that one statement made her fear more than anything what was further inside the boy's mind.
But if anything, Shokuhou Misaki knew one thing.
She did not want to go any further.
Through some means, maybe it was self-suggestion or just the raw will to not worry people or harm them, part of the boy's subconscious was actively working to prevent anyone from seeing this part of his mind. She had no idea he had trained his mind up to that state but maybe it was the raw desire to 'not let anyone see this' that had formed a subconscious defence system against this memory.
If that was the case, then what lay beyond this one memory?
What lay further in the darkness?
Shokuhou did not know and a chill ran down her spine as she only thought of it but the only thing she kept her focus on was Kamijou as she held his hand, only feeling the cold of it down to her very skin.
"Wh…What happens if I do?"
Shokuhou posed that challenge to him, or rather his own self defence mechanism he had set up. He stared at her with a small smile on his face as he brushed the rest of her tears out of her eyes.
"Then I won't be able to save you from myself."
That in itself was all that she needed, the horror of the statement behind it filling Shokuhou right now.
It was textbook Kamijou Touma. It was a statement saying she was going to see and experience something so horrifying she would not be able to come out of it. Sure, Kamijou had, but at the end of the day, only looking at this one scene and memory was enough for Shokuhou to know going any further would weigh heavily down on her mind. She would face more and more of this and she didn't know if her mind and heart was ready for it.
And that alone told her she had failed from the get go when it came to support Kamijou.
But the most heart shattering part of that statement had to be the end. Kamijou would not be able to save her from 'himself'.
Which meant he recognised the pain of his memories. He recognised the pain they had and the burdens they were to bring and how they would weigh down on the mind of those who looked into them. He recognised they hurt and they would bring pain when viewed.
Which meant he was hurting from them. The pain from recalling the memories was great and the pain from feeling the memories burning into his soul was great as well. He knew they hurt and as a result, hurt from them. In a way, Kamijou was suffering because of himself and he implicitly revealed that, stating he would not be able to save her if she delved into his mind any further.
Because the greatest villain was his own mind. It would weigh down on her more than he could say and press her at all angles until there would be nothing left other than a shell of who she had once been.
His memories hurt. They were painful, and they brought nothing but despair and suffering to him.
But he wanted nothing more than to prevent someone else from experiencing them for themselves. He discarded himself and ensured no one would be able to look into his mind and see those memories for themselves and be free from the pain they gave someone.
He wanted to save everyone and ensure they had a smile on their face.
But in the process, he had already cast himself aside and lost himself in those painful memories. He had committed himself to live in a mental prison where he did nothing but feel hurt, despair and suffering and that tore Shokuhou's heart apart.
How was this fair? How was this a burden she could ever release him from? How was it that the one person who cared for everyone more than himself was put in a situation where he experienced more pain than everyone else because of how he was in his own natural state? It made no sense and it was only more painful when Shokuhou looked at him and touched his hand.
Just like Shokuhou, Kamijou Touma had come to one conclusion.
That he could not be saved.
"You… Why do you do this to yourself?" Shokuhou said those words through tightened teeth. Her lip trembled with enough force that she felt that the teeth biting into it would cause lasting damage.
"Why do you do this to yourself!? Your memories are a burden you can be released from, you know! You can be freed from this and from this hell. Talk to someone, anyone, just let it all out and release the pain inside you. It doesn't have to be me. Just…Just take the time and release everything inside you. Why can't you understand already!? You…You deserve to be happy!"
Shokuhou let go of the boy's hand and pressed her forehead against his, the tears wiped away falling from her eyes now and onto his face. Shokuhou stared at Kamijou's face and her voice trembled, trying to say the words that she had to to save Kamijou in whatever way she could.
"You deserve the greatest happiness ability for everything you have done. You don't deserve this. Never this. Yet you hide it all to yourself to protect us. But don't you see? Even if we fall into hell, even if we are to share your pain, if it makes you have a smile on your face it is worth it! I've seen the things you've been put through and the things you've done! And it's legendary. You'd saved so many but that in turn means you can be happy you know. You… You are owed that."
Shokuhou gently stroked Kamijou's head as she cried on it, only softly letting out sobs as she revealed her weakness to the one person she knew would never once let that go and use it for their own purposes. She revealed her heart in such a way that it was shameful but at the same time reflective of what she truly felt and had never once been able to express.
He would forget this, of that Shokuhou was sure.
But even so, saying it out loud was the greatest comfort that could be given.
Kamijou did not respond, only stroking the back of her head lightly but the strength he did it with was fading. Shokuhou could tell when Kamijou died in this memory, another one would take its place and then everything would begin anew. A new hell, a new despair and new suffering.
The moment this memory ended, another one would take its place. Kamijou's death here would signify a new and terrible beginning for her elsewhere. Shokuhou understood that but the only thing she could do was cry, letting out her heart as she let go of her sorrow, her pain and her heartbreak at the realisation she had come to terms with.
And that was that she could not save Kamijou Touma from himself and release him from his burdens. She had felt she could save him in her own way but the memories he had were such a heavy weight that bearing the same burdens would not be a relief.
It would only serve as a concern for him as he worried about the status of the person he had given that burden to.
So, as to save everyone and ensure they all had a smile on their faces, Kamijou would only keep his burdens to himself. He would not tell anyone for the sole purpose of ensuring they were not weighed down by his own thoughts given how they weighed down on his mind. For that alone, he would never release himself and would never allow himself to give those burdens to others for them to bear.
All to ensure that those he cared for were protected from himself.
It was a wonderful thing.
But it was also unbelievably hopeless.
"You…are owed happiness."
Shokuhou said as she cradled the dying boy's head through bitter tears as she could tell the strength leaving her had signified that time was almost up. But if anything, the only thing left to her was that she felt she had to stay in this position for as long as she could.
Not because she liked it.
But rather it was the only thing she could do for the one person who had done so much for her without ever asking for anything in return.
Shokuhou Misaki opened her eyes slowly.
Her gaze was down to her skirt and it was damp slightly, a similar sensation reaching the edges of her eyes. She smiled softly. She had been crying outside the memory as well and that was not unnatural. Given what she had seen, not crying would have been the more dangerous thing.
Shokuhou stared at the wet patch of her skirt, pausing for a minute and wiping the edges of her eyes. She slowly cleared her throat, removed the remote pointed at the boy's forehead and placed it in her handbag. She rose her head and stared at Kamijou, resting peacefully as ever despite the drool coming from his mouth as it lay open.
She only stared at it, sighing despite herself, reaching into her handbag for her gloves. She donned them and used the material to reach for the boy's mouth to close it. He stirred when she did so, leaving Shokuhou somewhat stunned for a moment before she smiled once again.
She had seen into the boy's mind and for everything he had done and been through, for all the burdens placed on his mind, he still seemed as simple as ever. Not in his face, not in the way that he acted and not in the way he held himself, there was nothing in his gait nor presence that suggested he had the burdens he had. He hid them perfectly and never once did he show them on his face and to the world.
Even now his face was the perfect example of calm, simply sleeping and not showing any sign of distress or tension; only relaxation and serenity.
Al to ensure those around him were protected. The mask he wore for the sake of hiding his burdens was for the sake of others, to make sure they never worried and never were weighed down by what he had been through.
And Shokuhou herself knew how heavy those weights were. She had only seen a part of them but had been kicked out before she could investigate them any further. For that she was both grateful and hurt; grateful for the fact she had pulled out before she had succumbed to hell itself but also hurt for the fact that she had done so.
For whatever case, only looking at the results, there was one thing that was clear.
Kamijou Touma had saved her from himself. His full wish to ensure he had a smile on everyone's face had been so implanted into his mind it had appeared in his subconscious and had resulted in the opportunity for Shokuhou to be saved by him.
When it came down to it, she had once more been saved by him although what she had been saved from she had never expected. But no matter the case, she had been saved even if she knew the favour could not be returned.
Shokuhou Misaki had been saved by Kamijou Touma.
But she could not save him from himself.
That cruel reality made itself known to her as she once more stroked the boy's forehead with a smile on her face. Despite everything she had been through and despite everything she had seen, that one fact resounded in her mind.
Even though it was all in the past and even though it was nothing but a memory, sorrow filled her heart as she stroked his the forehead, staring down at him with a smile even though it was solemn.
He deserved happiness and he worked for it, saving people and fighting for his own happiness despite the things he had faced. The way he charged forward was reflective of that and the way he pushed himself through thick and thin showed that, even now, he was constantly fighting for that.
Thus, he wasn't doing nothing and striving forward as much as he could for the purposes of ensuring he could be happy, even though his own form of happiness came through ensuring the world around him was protected.
Were the first two memories she had seen when she had peeked into his mind the ones important to him; showing the happiness he had attained despite the hells he had faced? Indeed, it seemed like the scenes were laid back and relaxed, as expected of the things she felt he liked.
Was happiness already in Kamijou Touma's grasp? Perhaps. But did he realise he deserved it? That he was owed it after everything that he had done? Shokuhou Misaki did not know but there was one thing she said to herself, laughing to herself slightly as she realised what an understatement that it was.
"A lot has happened to you, hasn't it, my Prince?"
And that's the end!
We went through a whole lot didn't we? The events of the entire series up to date save for OT 15, 18-19, 19 and NT 1 were in this but then again, that's what you get when you attempt to do a story like this!
If there's anything that you need to focus on it's really the last line of the entire one-shot here. This might feel like a 'flashback' sort of story but in the end, it comes down to Shokuhou delving into the memories of Touma to see what has happened to him and to see how he has done things she cannot even think of. The entire idea behind the PM Darkson gave to me was to really delve into the memories of Touma and see what has happened to him over the course of the series and how it would then affect the character who was looking into the mind of Touma.
However, when it came down to it, I felt that I had to prepare a proper reason behind such. Here it was then related to the concept of 'burdens'. Interestingly enough, there has never really been a lot of look into this as a whole; usually it comes down to Touma discussing some point with a girl and then because she is a part of the harem everything is alright. But given me and my Touma sadism I felt like going in a different direction.
For Misaki then, I really felt it was important to establish the whole relationship she has with Touma in the sense that although he can never remember her, there is a chance that she can do something for him that she knows can save him in some way. In this sense, it was Shokuhou who wanted to learn more about Touma based on what she had seen with Ayu; mainly that because she knows nothing of Ayu based on her personal rule, she can't see whether there was anything else Touma was hiding.
Thus I had her break her personal rule like I did in ACUL0 however for different reasons. I hope that the hope she could relieve Touma of some burden of his you felt was believable in the spite of things and what she saw.
And thus I showed you basically a run down of the entire series thus far when it comes to injuries and the horrific things Touma has seen and the amazing things that he has done. But I did it from the perspective of burdens in the sense that because he has done all of these things, Shokuhou cannot relate nor sympathise. This in turn hampers on her ability to relate to Touma and her ability to thus 'save' him from his burdens.
And then there was the second-to-last scene. Again, as you probably saw in the Silent Screams I can really get into the whole 'Touma is about to die and character reactions to such'. Seeing Misaki just break down and go on her hands and knees while crawling to Touma and her cries of suffering I felt were something I really wanted to do even though it was not the point of the story. Seeing her lament on her position and where Touma lies when it comes to burdens is something I hope you felt was powerful.
But then it was Touma who acted as the hero here, submitting to the pain he has been put through and what he has experienced. In a way, this sort of self sacrifice is what I like to see in the heroes of fiction but I enjoy most heroes regardless. I hope that this scene where Shokuhou can only conclude that Touma is saving her once again where she can do nothing hit you hard when it came down it.
Yet the main point of the series had to be the end point where Shokuhou had her last line and raw feelings and truth that was behind it. When it comes down to it, through whatever means you have reached this stage in the story you have to note the truth of those words, despite the emotions that showed themselves and what Touma has been through.
"A lot has happened to you hasn't it?"
Just how true is that one sentence when it comes to Touma do you think?
And as always,
Review if you please.
And I'll see you when we see you and I won't if I don't.
So even though the Index and the Delta Force scenes came to represent the happiness and the peace Touma has managed to gather at this point in time, the questions remains: EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE RANKED AS LEVEL 5S WHAT IS THEIR RANKING AS GIRLS!? #3, #4 and #5. Which is #1?!
