The Principal I Used To Know
Kenny was busy in his room trying on his cap and gown. He didn't know if he was going to make it. He was as nervous as he'd ever been. He rubbed his hands as he looked himself in the mirror. The door opened and in came Damien, Karen and Kevin. All three of them stared at Kenny as he spun around to show off his clothing.
"Looking good, bro." Karen said smiling.
"I ain't feelin' good." Kenny said clutching his stomach.
"I'm sorry." Damien said as he stared at Kenny's clock. "Hey, I know you're not feeling very good, but I'm going to be late for an appointment. I'll see you tomorrow." He said as he hugged Kenny.
"Okay." Kenny said as he wiped sweat from the back of his neck.
"You'll be fine." Damien said as he disappeared.
"I'm never going to get used to that." Kevin said as he stared at the spot Damien just vacated.
"Me neither." Karen muttered.
"Get your shit together, Karen. I'll give you a ride to school." Kevin said as he left the room.
"Can I come?" Kenny asked.
"Why?" Kevin and Karen asked, surprise showing in their voices.
"I wanna talk to the principal." He explained.
"Change out of that…," Kevin said gesturing to the cap and gown. "and you can go with us." He bargained.
"Okay." Kenny said as he watched them leave.
They had done all they could. The rest was up to fate. If Cartman graduated, they would all be relieved. If not…, well, they tried. That's the reason Kenny was going to talk to the principal.
When they all got there, Karen went to her class, and Kevin waited for Kenny outside as he left to go take care of business.
"Hello, Kenny." Said one of the secretaries as he went into the office. "here to see Mr. Langor?" she asked.
"If he's available." Kenny said as he stared at his watch.
"I'll ring him and ask." She said as she picked up her phone.
"Yes, hello. Mr. Kenny McCormick is here to see you." She explained.
"He said go right on in." she said hanging up the phone.
Kenny smiled at her, and left the reception area into the back where the principal was stationed. He knocked on the door.
"Come in, Kenny." He said as the door swung open.
"What's up?" Kenny asked closing the door behind him.
"I want you to tell me what's up." The man said bitterly. "You're not supposed to be here today. Did you get into trouble?" he asked.
"No, I came to talk to you about something pressing." Kenny said as he looked around. "I love what you've done with the place." He explained.
"Kenny you've been in here dozens of times." The man said bitterly. "Sit down and tell me what it is you want."
"I wanted to talk to you about Eric." He said as he sat down. "He will be graduating…, right?" he asked.
"At this point, it's hard to tell. The teachers aren't just there to teach seniors. They have other classes throughout the day. Cartman showed up yesterday morning with dozens of assignments for the classes he was behind on…, which was nearly all of them. Kenny, I don't know if he's going to be able to get himself out of trouble this time." The man said gravely.
"His mom is expecting him to graduate." Kenny said sadly.
"I'm expecting him to graduate!" the man said bitterly. "Do you think I want to deal with another year with this kid?" he asked. "He's racist, sexist, and every other –ist there is." The man said bitterly. "You, Stan and Kyle matured tremendously from Freshman year. This boy just keeps getting worse." He explained. "Trust me. I want him out of here. But it's not up to me." He added hastily.
"When will we know?" Kenny asked.
"Truth is kid, we won't know until the end of the day tomorrow." He said softly. "If the instructors finish grading all his work, he goes on to graduate. If not, he's screwed." The man said bitterly.
"Well, we'll just have to keep our fingers crossed." Kenny said sadly.
"I hope he makes it." The man said bitterly. "Was that all you needed? Or did you actually get in trouble?" he asked.
"No. That was pretty much it." Kenny said sadly. "However, I still need to talk to you about a pressing matter." He explained.
"What?" the man asked as he looked at Kenny expectantly.
"Can we bring beach balls to the rehearsal?" Kenny asked. "I wasn't able to afford a year book, but I have a ball. I'd like my friends to be able to sign it. I'm a very popular guy." He explained.
"No! Absolutely not, n-o." the principal said as he stood up. "No beach balls, no air horns, no silly string. As a matter of fact, during graduation you will be searched. Thank your brother for that." He added as Kenny opened his mouth.
"but what kind of fun is a graduation without an air horn?" Kenny moaned.
"A really nice one. Where people aren't getting their ears blown off." He said bitterly.
Kenny sighed. "You play guitar?" he asked as he saw the instrument behind the principal's desk.
"I'm known to play here and there—what does that have to do with anything?!" he shouted suddenly. "Get out of here if all you're going to do is whine about the lack of air horns and silly string!" he shouted.
"chip in for a year book for me, and I won't cause trouble." Kenny suggested. "May I see?" he asked as he looked at the dude's guitar.
"No! I'm practicing for a competition at a bar." He shot bitterly. "I can only play one song, but it's actually coming along well." He said smiling.
"Play for me." Kenny requested.
"You really want to hear me play?" the man asked getting serious ego stroking.
"Yes. Let's hear what you got." Kenny said as the man grabbed his guitar.
He started playing. Kenny was surprised. This song was very annoying and catchy, and not for his age group. Kenny drew breath as he started singing.
"Now and then I think of when I first arrived here." Kenny sang. "Like when I met you I was so ready to die. Told myself that this was right for me. I felt so angry when you'd talk to me. You sucked the fun out of each year, I still remember." Kenny stood up and started pretending to air guitar. "You didn't have to play so low! Try to suck all the fun out of everything we all did. You said you didn't need that, though. What happened to the principal I used to know? You used to be so lax with rules! Now it's like someone has sucked the fun out of your life, bro. I guess that means that no means no. I wish I had the principal I used to know." He sighed as the man kept playing. He looked like he was taking a dump. His face was very screwed up with concentration. Kenny continued his song. "You can get addicted to a certain kind of treatment. Like when I did something and you, would just let it slide. Now I feel like you just don't make no sense. Your lack of fun is making me so tense. But I'll admit that I'm just glad it's almost over." Kenny pretended to wave to an audience member. "You didn't have to say no fun! Make it like you've never been to a same day rehearsal! And I don't even need the stuff. But your ban on silly string just makes me feel so rough. You could've just said yes, to it! Just say I can bring the items and then soon it's over! I guess that I don't need that though. What happened to the principal I used to know."
Mr. Langor cleared his throat as he continued playing. He fixed his posture a little, and started to sing when the guitar solo was over. "Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over. Like the time you put all of the stink bomb pellets in the hall. Graduation's such a special day. So read into every word I say. So Kenny please just let it go. Don't let me catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know!"
Kenny took up the chorus. "Oh, you just don't need to stoop so low!" he sang. "Can't you just allow some air horns and then maybe silly string. It's not that I would need that stuff. But you act like we're in danger and I feel so rough. I wish you just wouldn't stoop so low! It's the last day I'll be part of a school body, Hector. You think that I don't need that though. What happened to the principal I used to know?"
"Hey! How did you know my first name?" the man groaned.
"It says it on your name tag, genius." Kenny said as the guy put down his guitar.
"I'll be watching you tomorrow, Kenny." Said the principal as he opened the door to let Kenny out. "No silly string, beach balls, or air horn at the graduation, or rehearsals!" he shouted as Kenny left.
"You're so boring." Kenny spat.
"You're so childish!" Langor spat back as the door closed behind Kenny.
