Josiah did call later, Mary let Vin know, and his body resisted any movement as he tried to stand up without looking like he was completely broken down. He tried to stand up straight, tried not to shuffle, tried to swallow the soft groan of pain as all of his muscles, bones, and joints readjusted to being upright. He tried, but he wasn't exactly successful. He set himself down in the kitchen chair near the phone and took in a deep breath of air before picking up the handset.

"Hey Josiah."

"Hey Vin – how did things go today?"

"Oh, there isn't enough time in the world to accurately describe just how bad today was. I got sick, I fell, I – I – had nightmares. I had to see Ezra and JD, and Judge Travis. It was just an all-around barrel of laughs."

"How did you fall?" Josiah asked. Though Vin took a breath with every intention of answering, nothing came out. After a few moments of silence, Josiah went on. "Are you all right? Did you get hurt when you fell?"

"I – I –." To answer the question honestly would take more words than Vin had the energy for, and he stammered into silence again.

"Is Chris with you now?" Josiah tried. He didn't sound annoyed or impatient.

"He's in the family room."

"Okay, as long as you're in good hands, I'll let you go. Sounds like you had a pretty rough day."

"Josiah?" Vin said it fast, before Josiah had a chance to hang up.

"Yep?"

But then Vin couldn't think of what he wanted to say. Some need or fear or pain or something was welling up inside his chest and it seemed like if he could just tell somebody about it, or maybe if he could get Josiah to realize it without even saying anything, it seemed like it would go away. But he couldn't think what to say.

"Did you want to talk to Chris?" he asked instead.

"If he wants to talk to me."

"Okay, hold on. I'll – hold on." Vin set the receiver down and shuffled his way back into the family room. "Chris? Josiah." Chris definitely looked puzzled.

"He wants to talk to me?"

"I couldn't think of anything to say," Vin admitted. Chris gave a nod of understanding and headed into the kitchen. Mary stood up from the couch, and started to come toward Vin. It made him want to run from the room – she was only going to ask him questions like Josiah that he couldn't answer.

"Hey Vin!" Billy asked. "You wanna watch 'The Ghost and Mr. Chicken' with us?"

"Uh – no. Thanks Billy. Think I'm gonna head back upstairs. Mary." He backed up a few steps until he was in the front hallway, hoping to make a clean getaway to the stairs. But Mary followed him.

"Vin – do you need anything?"

"Nah, I'm all right. Just tired. Thanks." He said it too fast and too stiff to be fooling anybody. "I'm just gonna go lay down. Okay?" He started up the stairs before she could answer. He found his bedroom - the bedroom – neat and tidy and clean. Chris had picked up all the laundry, and remade the bed. Vin stood there and stared at it a good long while before he admitted to himself that he just couldn't lie down on that mattress again. He pulled the chair over and got into the top bunk instead.

*/*/*/*

After a brief conversation with Josiah, Chris went upstairs looking for Vin. Just as he stepped into the doorway of the guest room, Vin asked him, "Leave the light off?"

"Sure." Chris walked over to the bunk beds, he was surprised that Vin was in the top bunk, pressed so far back against the wall that his face was hidden in the shadows, even when he pushed himself up on one elbow. "What are you doing up here?" Chris asked.

"Hiding." They were nearly eye level; on the bunk, Vin was a little higher.

"I cleaned the mattress and flipped it over." Chris felt bad saying it; he didn't want to bring the incident back up to Vin but he thought he ought to tell him.

"I figured you did – I just couldn't do it."

"Just be careful not to fall off the edge if you take another muscle relaxant." Chris tried to sound more casual than concerned. Vin didn't say anything for a long time, and Chris wondered if he was going to swear off painkillers altogether. When Vin finally did say something, it shocked the hell out of Chris.

"They raped me."

What could Chris say to that?

"Yes."

"They destroyed my life."

"Vin – only you can destroy your life." Chris stepped closer to the bed and rested his hands on the bed rail. "What happened, what they did to you, the damage they did to your apartment and your pictures and CDs – that's not you, that's not your life." Chris wanted to be comforting and supportive, to give Vin some strength and help him see that he was more than the crime that had been committed against him. "Who you are and what your life is comes from inside you." In the darkness, he couldn't see Vin's face, so he couldn't see what reaction he was getting. Vin turned to lie down on his back.

"Chris – they were inside me," he said. Chris felt sick.

"That's not what I meant."

"It doesn't matter what you meant."

Chris didn't know what to say next. He kept his hands on the bedrail, but bent his head down, hoping – praying – for the right thing to say. So far, it seemed he was doing a lousy job.

"I know what you meant," Vin said after some silence. He didn't move; he lay staring up at the dark ceiling. He sounded weary.

"I didn't think how it was going to sound."

"Well I am glad you don't have a lot of practice with this." Vin turned his head a little to look at Chris. "I think it might hurt worse if you were glib."

"It shouldn't hurt at all."

"But it will. It'll keep hurting until – until I don't know when. I still miss my Dad and I hate to think this is gonna hurt me for that long. I know there's crisis hotlines or whatever, at school or out in the real world but…"

"You don't need to talk to a therapist or counselor or anybody Vin," Chris said.

"I hope not. I tried talking to a counselor at school after Dad died. It was like talking to a damn parrot. I'd say 'I miss my Dad' and he'd nod and say 'So you miss your Dad.'" Vin mimicked an older voice. "And I'd say, 'yeah it's lonely without him' and he'd go 'hmm…I see. You're lonely without him.' I tell you, that lasted about twice. I can just see discussing this with an idiot like that. It'd be bad enough having to say it to somebody, I don't want to hear echoed back at me."

"You don't need to talk to anybody," Chris repeated. Vin turned back to stare at the ceiling.

"Good." He took a deep breath. "So, what'd Josiah have to say?"

"He said to take care of you. Call him if you need anything, anytime."

"Yeah... I just hate feeling like this Chris. I feel sick most of the time, or scared, or like somebody must be sneaking up behind me. Worse, if I'm not feeling any of those things, I feel – y'know I haven't even read Maria's letter yet. She's such a sweet kid and whatever she wrote or put in that letter is just to make me feel better and all it'll do is make me feel worse. Make me feel like I don't deserve her wanting me to feel better. That I shouldn't feel better. Alls I feel like now is like I'm carrying a handful of glass and if I don't hang on tight enough I drop it, and if I hang on too tight I cut myself wide open."

"Vin -." Chris chose his words carefully, trying to figure out ahead of time how he could possibly misspeak. "It's OK to drop it. Do you know that? It's okay to drop the whole thing and let the pieces just go where they will. It's better than standing there bleeding, trying to pretend nothing is wrong."

"If I drop it Chris," Vin spoke very precisely. "I'll never get the pieces back together again."

Chris thought a while longer for a reasonable answer.

"The pieces you don't get back are the pieces you don't have in your hand now anyway, Vin."

"Gettin' a might glib there, Chris," Vin said after a few long moments, but Chris could hear a little lightheartedness in his voice. Chris smiled at that.

"I'm just trying to tell you that if you drop it, you drop it. We'll pick it up. I know you said today that everything is falling on you at once, and I know it must feel that way. But – but don't drag today with you into tomorrow. Okay? Let's just pick a fight with each day as it comes. It will get better Vin, time does heal all wounds."

"Hmm." Vin was back to sounding like he wasn't buying it. "If that was true, nobody would ever die of gangrene."

to be continued