A/N: Thanks for sticking with me this far. Your thoughts are always appreciated!
Long after the sun had set, the house began to wind down. Kathy ushered the kids upstairs and was met with complaints which she silenced. It was then that Elliot remembered it was a school night. Frankly he had lost all track of time, the days didn't seem to matter.
Elliot watched his children trudge upstairs after they all gave him hugs, and he felt like an imposter. They looked on him so fondly because they didn't know. He couldn't bear them to know the truth; that their strong, brave father had been a coward.
Elliot ventured past the closed doors to the bedroom. He didn't even bother to turn on the light. He felt his way to the bed and sat on the edge, resting his head in his hands. Again his mind played back that night and this time he didn't try to stop it. He sat there hating himself more with each passing recollection. His kids didn't know that he had been there during Olivia's attack. Even Kathy didn't know the way he let fear control him.
Drop the phone. Come in detective. Have a seat. Now sit back and watch.
Elliot growled in disgust at the memory of his actions or lack thereof. He complied with their demands; he didn't even try to fight until the last moment. A small voice in his head reminded him that there was nothing he could have done without risking Olivia's life, but he ignored it.
Right now he needed to feel guilt. Blaming himself for inaction was an easier pill to swallow than accepting the fact that the situation was always out of his control.
Get on your knees. Just kill me.
A different memory floated to the surface and Elliot felt sicker than he had before. After all they had done to her, they wanted one final act of humiliation. She had no choice over what they forced upon her, but this one thing she could control. The last thing she had a say in was her death.
He saw the look in her eyes, she was giving up. He had mentally pled with her not to surrender, but his prayers fell flat. Olivia was prepared to die, until they turned the tables. She didn't do it to save her own life, she did it to save his.
He failed to protect the woman he loved, but she still sacrificed herself for him anyway.
Jumping to his feet, Elliot ran to the bathroom, wrenching up the lid and barely making it to his knees above the toilet. He emptied his dinner and stayed hunched over the bowl dry heaving, fingers clenching the porcelain.
That was how Kathy found him.
"Elliot? Honey are you okay?" Kathy knelt down beside him, rubbing her hand in circles on his back.
"The dinner. It was too much wasn't it. I'm sorry I just wanted to-" She stumbled over her words, trying to apologize for her attempts at normalcy.
"Dinner was wonderful Kathy," Elliot reassured, interrupting her nervous rambling. He propped himself up and cleared his throat.
"I just had a flashback, that's all."
Kathy leaned back on her heels and looked at Elliot. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Elliot instinctively opened his mouth to refuse, but he suddenly stopped himself. Constantly bottling everything up was wearing him thin. He had minutely opened up to Fin, and the temporarily relief that followed surprised him. He glanced at Kathy who was looking at him with nothing but concern and made the decision to confide in her.
"I was right there. I should've done more, but I didn't stop them. I let her get hurt."
Kathy seemed astonished at this. She scooted closer and enveloped his hand in hers. "Elliot, you saved her life."
"I don't know," Elliot drew back, "She's alive, but she isn't okay." Elliot confessed, feeling like a traitor for suggesting she was anything less than fine. "All I can think about is her being home all alone.
"You said they got the men right?" Kathy questioned. "So she isn't in danger. Olivia will be fine. She's strong, and she has you." Kathy soothed.
Elliot didn't reply, instead his eyes flickered to the door. Kathy picked up on his unspoken wish and she backed away from him.
"You want to go back to her don't you?" Her voice was steady, but it carried a caustic undertone.
"What's that tone for? You don't want me to check on her?" Elliot sat up straighter, his voice defensive and illness forgotten.
"Elliot you've already spent 2 days with her." Kathy stressed, crossing her arms.
"You're the one who told me to go." Elliot rebutted, refusing to accept the blame.
"I said talk to her, not stay with her." She snapped, her own temper rising.
"She needed me Kath. What was I supposed to do?" Elliot's words held a tone of finality, as though the solution was obvious.
"Elliot don't start."
Kathy rose and walked back into their bedroom, turning on the lamp. Elliot followed her out, unwilling to let the issue drop and gearing up for an argument. However, her next words cut him short.
Kathy's back was to Elliot and her hands were wrapped around her arms, cradling herself from her own words.
"You love her don't you?" Her question came out as a statement, but there was no anger in her tone. Kathy turned around to face him, her own expression neutral as she awaited his reply.
Elliot's head was spinning. Of all the things for Kathy to say, this he never saw coming. The question knocked him off guard, and he scrambled to answer her. He fired back with another question.
"What? Just because I want to make sure she's okay you think that means I love her." Elliot's words fell flat and tension hung heavy in the air.
It wasn't a denial, and they both knew it.
Kathy looked at her husband, and Elliot tensed under her scrutiny. Sighing softly she sat on the bed, her eyes fixed on the quilt as her finger idly traced the spiral pattern.
"Go to her."
Her words were barely more than a whisper and Elliot had to strain to hear her, but the implication was clear.
"Kathy." Elliot's throat felt tight and he struggled to get the word out. Elliot wanted to run over to her, wrap her in his arms and apologize. He wanted to say that she was wrong, that he only loved her. But he didn't do any of these things because he knew it would only be an act.
She looked at him again, her eyes glassy. "Go" was all she said, and he did.
She watched him leave, finally acting on the truth that they had both known for a while.
Kathy didn't flinch when the bedroom door shut behind him, she was silent while the stairs creaked, and she didn't move when the front door opened. It was only when it shut that she allowed herself to break. Lying down on the bed, she wrapped her arms around a pillow and let herself cry.
