Please Be Warned That This Chapter Is Rather Dark
Brooke sat in the chair opposite Dr. Linda MacAlister, one of the foremost experienced psychologists in Women's Studies, Reproductive Pathology and Acute Reproductive Trauma. She was a very tall woman at 6 feet but was as thin as a supermodel. Her height and build mixed with her long honey-gold hair and big bright eyes made her seem like an oxymoron. Why would someone as beautiful as her want to work with women in such terrible agony? Brooke asked the question. It wasn't the first time but this time Linda smiled and replied.
"Because I never want a woman to go through what I did when I learned I had endometriosis at twenty, ovarian cancer at twenty-two and had a full hysterectomy by twenty-three. I hurt myself, Brooke. You don't think that anyone understands but I assure you that there are other women who go through the same torment and that is why I think it's time you cut down on seeing me to one day a week and the other day should be in group therapy."
Brooke stared at the woman and wondered how she could possibly smile, how could she be so genuinely happy? Brooke had moments of goodness, when it wasn't as bad but she hadn't felt genuinely, carefree happy in so long.
"Sometimes when a woman reaches a road block in individual therapy, group therapy is the next key in finally opening the door to happiness again."
"I don't know them," Brooke finally offered.
"It's a group of five women. Three of them are in their mid-twenties, one of them is in her early thirties and one of them is actually younger than you. I lead the group every Thursday at seven pm. If you don't come to your regular two-thirty meeting that day then I'll assume that you'll be at the group session."
XOXOXO
Lucas looked down at his cell phone and sighed when he saw Haley's name in the caller id. Since the end of the day when he had sat on the roof with Brooke he had been running. He told himself that he really needed to drive to Ashville and buy that custom battery for the vintage Mustang Keith was fixing up. He told himself that he should give her time because arguing couldn't be good for her or the baby. Now he sat at the river court, the ball between his ankles. Not even the thought of basketball could still his rapidly beating heart. It hadn't stopped skipping since Haley had shown him the pregnancy test.
"Luke," her voice and presence shouldn't have surprised him. He turned and almost groaned when he saw her tear swollen face and miserable look.
"What are you doing here," he hadn't meant to say that.
Her eyes flashed hurt and it lingered as he watched her try to figure out how to approach him. Finally she took a better step into the light, "you didn't come to class, you didn't go to after school practice and you didn't come home."
He interpreted her observations as slants against him and despite himself his back stiffened and felt himself getting defensive, "I'm sorry if I can't pretend the way you can that everything is okay. Like our lives aren't ruined!"
"Lucas, this is a big deal and I'm upset too but we're not going to solve this by avoiding each other!"
"What do you want Haley," his heart was beating painfully in his chest, an ache he was beginning to associate with his arguments with his wife.
Haley took a deep breath, "I think I want the baby."
No six words had ever stopped time the ways those did for Lucas. He saw, in his mind's eye, all of his dreams crashing and burning right at the tips of his black Air Jordans. No basketball, no time to even consider the book he was thinking of trying to write, no more intimate dinners with the group, no more anything.
"We're only sixteen Hales. We were careless, this is a mistake," Luke rose and tried to steady his voice so they could be reasonable.
She looked at him strangely, "this is our baby. It might now fit in with our plans but it's not a mistake."
"We are way too young to start a family, Haley. This is fucking crazy! Bonkers! Off your rocking chair kind of shit. We cannot have a baby right now. We can't."
"It's too late, Luke, I'm pregnant and I'm not going to have an abortion."
Luke scooped up the ball and threw it as hard as he could on the gravel, anything to release the cold fear and anger pumping through his blood. Haley took a step back, fear plain in her eyes. Luke buried his face in his hands for a moment trying to regain any semblance of cool, "just go."
"Lucas," she tried again.
"Go! I'll be home later, maybe, I guess. I don't know. I don't know."
She took a deep breath, tears burning in her eyes, "I never thought you would be the one, out of the guys I've known and considered, who would runaway. You're a coward."
Lucas watched her walk away and wanted to tear apart anything that got in his path. Anything that might make the sick burning in his chest disappear.
XOXOXO
Peyton walked right up the small walkway and directly into the kitchen of the Jagielski home, prepared to jump Jake and take him for a spin he'd never forget. Unfortunately, she ran squarely into Lucas, who was standing in the doorway, getting reamed out by Jake. A reaming by Jake Jagielski was a special kind of show because no matter how angry he was in the beginning, by the end he was the same old Jake leaving the observers to wonder how he could possibly be so God damned laid back.
Luke turned around and Peyton caught the haunted look in his eyes. Right as she asked in true fright, "what did you do," Jake smiled at her and asked, "what took you so long to come?"
"Haley wants to keep the baby," Luke told Peyton.
Peyton's mouth dropped open, "what the hell changed from this morning when she was just as upset as you were?"
"I don't have a fucking clue!"
"Well that's because you ran away," Peyton told him dryly, then considered the situation for a moment before finally turning accusing eyes on Jake, "what did you say to her?"
Jake grinned sheepishly, "we talked after English because Luke hadn't shown up and I told her that she should listen to her heart. I told her that she has a more supportive family in us then most other people do no matter what their age. I told her that no matter what we'd be there for her."
"And," Peyton's eyebrow shot up when she saw him blush. He sucked at keeping secrets!
"What did you say man," Luke asked.
"I just told her that she could do it, be a mom I mean. Be pregnant, give birth, raise the baby and do it all. I told her it would be the hardest thing she's ever done but nothing else would garn the same great rewards."
Luke sat heavily on one of the kitchen chairs, "shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit!"
"Jake," Peyton cupped his cheek, "stop being so damned soft hearted."
Before he could reply Lucas was banging his head against the table, not hard enough to do damage but hard enough to make them worry.
"I told her it was a mistake."
"The baby," Peyton asked.
"Yeah, the fucking baby. Shit! The crazy thing is that I still believe it's a mistake! We cannot have a baby right now and last. She's only a few weeks into it and we're all ready unraveling!"
"Who's fault is that," Jake asked him.
Luke glared at him, "I'm human. I'm not like the rest of you demigods. When I'm scared I do stupid shit!"
"Is shit your new favorite word," Peyton wondered as she took a seat across the table from him.
"It sure beats some of the others I've been thinking about," Luke told her.
Jake opened a beer and placed it in front of Lucas, "drink up and then you can go crash in the guest room. I don't think you should go home in this state of mind."
"Are you sure you have room," he asked.
"You can stay at my house if you want. Plenty of space and if you don't come over it will all go to waste because I'll probably crash at Deb's house."
Lucas nodded, "I don't want to interrupt your family."
"You wouldn't be," Jake insisted.
"I'll take care of the young, strapping, lad. No worries, Jakie, I won't let any harm come to our lil' Daddy," Peyton teased him with her dry tone.
"Sure," Jake finally conceded. Lucas went outside to wait for Peyton in her car and that was when Jake attacked, snatching Peyton up against him and nuzzling her throat, "what happened last night?"
Peyton tried to think of a way to explain it but found nothing. There were some things that had happened in her life that she could never wrap around well enough in her head. If she had Haley's ability maybe she could sing it. If she had Luke's ability maybe she could write it. If she were like Jake and Brooke maybe she could talk it out. But out of them all she was the most like Nathan, who would suffer the deepest pain in silence because they weren't equipped to release it in one way.
So in the end she answered the only way she could with one word and one searing kiss, "everything."
XOXOXO
Brooke walked into Deb's house and took a deep shuddering breath. She could smell the rain that was weighing down so heavily on the clouds and it made her ache for the days when she would have the girls out in the fall rain preparing so diligently for the cheer competition. Those days were over, but their memory held Brooke stagnate sometimes. Maybe, she thought to herself, she could try that group counseling.
"Brooke," Nathan's voice brought her out of her train of thought and directed her eyes to the crying mess that was masquerading as Haley sitting on the couch.
"What's wrong," her voice cracked.
Haley looked at her, "he doesn't want the baby."
"Oh boy," Brooke sat down beside Nathan and covered his hand, which was gripping Haley's.
"I didn't think I wanted it either but then Jake told me I could do and I thought to myself that this baby could be a gift. Everything has been fucked up for so long and I thought maybe God was giving me something wonderful to make up for it."
"This could be that gift Hales," Nathan attempted to sooth her and comfort her but in all honesty the only person he knew inside out was Brooke and even then he wasn't always able to comfort her.
"I take it you tried to be reasonable and he got that deer caught in the headlights look and started to ramble," Brooke questioned.
"Hit the nail on the head," Haley sniffed in response.
"And he verbalized that he wasn't sure he'd be able to go home tonight," Brooke continued.
"Yeah."
Brooke sighed, "he'll come around."
After a long pause where both Nathan and Haley stared at her finally Haley cleared her throat, "how do you know?"
"I don't know anything for sure, per say, but I do know that he'll come around. He rambled which means he hasn't accepted the news and he doesn't want to come home tonight because even though he wants to be near you he's afraid his behavior will mess you guys up. He'll come around."
Nathan and Haley looked at her again, then each other, and back at her. She seemed sure and that was a weight off Nathan's shoulders but Haley was more upset, "why does he get to have the breakdown?"
"Idk Haley James-Scott, all I know is that men are little boys for the duration of their entire lives," Brooke grinned cheekily at Nathan.
"I wouldn't say that but I will agree with Brooke. Lucas loves you, he wouldn't have risked a rift between him and his mother if he didn't. The only person he loves more than her is you. I can tell you from previous pregnancy scares that each and every time it made my testicles ascend back into my body and made me feel like a baby again, completely dependent on anyone who could take of my problems for me."
Brooke knew he was trying to make Haley feel better and had absolutely no malicious intent but the words still hurt. They would never have another reason to think she was pregnant, whether it was a scare or not. For the second time that night she seriously considered taking the next step and at least going to one group counseling session.
"All I know is that when push come to shove, I can take care of myself. I don't need Lucas or anyone else."
"Don't be dense, Haley," Brooke chastised her, "you don't get to go back on hiatus because you're going through a crisis. Jake didn't and if he didn't, when he certainly had reason to, then you can't."
"We're your family, Hales, it's not optional," Nathan agreed with Brooke.
Haley nodded, they were her family and one way or another she, and they, would get through this.
XOXOXO
Linda smiled around the six women sitting in a circle with her. She was happy to see that Brooke Davis had shown up. She noticed that Brooke had done what she'd expected her to: she was the quintessential Southern belle. Dressed in low riding skinny jeans, a black silk top, ballet flats and her hair and make up the closest to airbrushed she'd ever seen. Brooke's smokescreen had always been her looks, the fact that she was relying on them for her confidence told Linda two things: that she was starting to look at her body and take a measure of pride in it, and that she was still trying to create a mask to hide the flaws she couldn't hide from herself, the devastating pain of her inability to reproduce.
"Ladies I would like to introduce you to our newest group member, Brooke. Brooke this is Angela, Denise, Marisa, Laura and Danielle."
Brooke looked at the three women in their twenties, all were gorgeous in their own right and obviously successful based on the quality of their clothing. The woman in her thirties looked oddly familiar, but still very kind. Brooke recognized the girl beside her, Danielle, as being from another High School nearby which was known for being rather improverished.
"Hi, it's nice to meet you all," Brooke spoke quietly, seemingly unsure of her voice.
After general greetings ended Linda sat forward, "okay, we'll start off light to help Brooke acclimate herself to how we work together. Who would like to talk about their week first?"
Denise, a small redhead with gorgeous brown eyes, rose her hand, "I will."
"Usually we discuss how the week has impacted our self-esteem or about something in particular that has brought us closer to acceptance or denial," Linda explained to Brooke.
"My colleague in advertising somehow got a hold of my HR file and the bitter, backstabbing bitch told the entire office about my infertility treatments. She told them I was one of the women that tried to have a baby with a baster," Denise's voice cracked even as she tried so hard to maintain her control.
"Why do you think she did that," Linda asked.
"Because I get better offers and do better work," Denise replied, her face fell, "it's only because she's got her hands full with her babies. She has a three-year-old and six month old twins."
Brooke's heart broke a bit in her chest. She couldn't imagine a woman that fortunate being so conniving when she had so many gifts.
"What was your response," Linda continued, not judging simply continuing with the process.
"I went to the women's bathroom in the café across the street from the office during lunch and cried. I cried until I thought there was no water left in my body. I cried until I was numb."
"Then what?"
Denise's eyes were swimming with tears when she answered Brooke's quietly asked question, "then I got myself together, got my bearings, and left before I could pull out the razor and cut myself."
"Denise is a recovering cutter," Linda elaborated since Denise had shared the information.
"Sometimes the only way I can get past the numbness and into anything again is to cut."
Brooke nodded, how many times had standing straight just to feel the staples and stitches pull comforted her? She was beginning to think she was more fucked up than she'd previously thought.
"Brooke maybe you'd like to share your week," Linda asked. She'd been doing her job for a long time. She knew when she had a patient who would respond to a push here and there.
Brooke cleared her throat and felt it tighten, "one of my best friends found out she's pregnant."
"Jesus," Marisa muttered.
"Yeah," Brooke agreed, deverting her gaze to the floor, "she wants it and the father doesn't. I love them both and usually they, with the rest of our group, are like family. But I found myself looking at her with such anger this week. I love her, she's a sister to me, but I'm so angry with her."
"It's okay to be angry," Laura offered, "I get angry every time I see a heavily pregnant woman. So angry that I shake, then I feel so guilty. It's awful."
"It's okay to feel anger, it's even okay to direct it at someone in your thoughts. It's never okay to physically or verbally abuse anyone, but thinking bad thoughts is sometimes what will keep you aware that you have more work to do."
Angela nodded her own head at Linda's words, "for a long time I couldn't leave my house without making a marked effort to make someone cry in public. I'm a lawyer, I have a great gift of using words, if I do say so myself. Unfortunately that also means I can tear someone to shreds. I thought at first that God gave me the gift of words and logic but took away the gift of giving life."
"I think that God must have allowed these tragedies to happen because we're all strong," Brooke commented. She'd seriously only known these women for twenty minutes but she could see the truth plainly in their eyes, not one of them was weak although they did have weaknesses.
"Brooke's right," Linda conceded, "each of you had the characters of strong, self-possessed women before your respective tragedies. Would the woman you consider to be the weakest in your family been able to handle it?"
Angela snorted, "my little sister would move in with the indigenous people in a remote culture and go stark, raving, mad!"
"I think my Aunt Joyce would shut down. She cries a lot and needs a lot of attention, in a bad way though, you know," Danielle spoke quietly.
Linda sat forward, "so what's the key then? I don't believe that anyone deserves to be unhappy. What is the key to happiness for women who can do and be anything they want except the one thing they want most in the world?"
Brooke would consider that question for a long time to come.
AN- any questions, comments or concerns please feel free to send a message to me. I'm always open to new ideas and opinions.
