Forever and Always

Numb

Severide walked back to Casey's room where he tried to distract himself by setting up a few personal items ready for his return.

"How long's he been in surgery?"

The familiar female voice startled him at first. He turned around to see Shay standing in the doorway. He smiled at her. "What are you doing here?"

"It's not just me." Shay shook her head. "We're all here."

"All?" he questioned.

"The guys are in the waiting room."

Severide shook his head, still smiling, but overcome with emotion. The hospital was more than an hours drive away, he hadn't expected anyone to show up. "Thank you."

"Casey's still their family," she told him. "How long's he been in?" she repeated.

"Less than an hour," he responded quietly.

"Come and sit with us, Kelly. You don't need to worry about him. Everyone's thoughts are with him right now."

Severide was still sitting with many of the firehouse family a few hours later when Casey's surgeon appeared. He had a smile on his face which made Severide feel less nervous as he walked over to him.

"It went very well," the man announced. "He's still in recovery at the moment. Already waking up, very groggy, but he'll come around soon."

Severide smiled, happy and relieved at how smoothly it had all gone. "Thank you."

The man placed a hand on his shoulder and gave a quick nod. "Someone will let you know when he's heading back to his room."


Casey had been wheeled out of the recovery room and back into his private room after he'd woken up a few times, answering the questions he was asked correctly, albeit with some agitation. Severide was eager to see him wake and was sitting vigilantly by his side, he wished he wasn't so used to seeing Casey surrounded by medical equipment. He'd managed to send everyone but Shay home since they wouldn't be able to see him today anyway with the strict visitor rules that were in place, but he'd promised to keep them all updated with Casey's condition.

When Casey woke for the first time since he'd been back in the hospital room he was confused and disoriented. He was trying to move in the hospital bed, trying to dislodge and pull away all the equipment and medical devices. His heart rate rose alerting the nurse who rushed in to see Severide helplessly trying to calm him down.

Casey wasn't listening to anything that was being said. Everything was a blur. His head was fuzzy. He could barely think. He couldn't communicate, it was like he was trapped in a dream. He felt stuck, claustrophobic with all the noise around him. It felt like something was suffocating him. He knew Severide was there, he could hear his voice but he couldn't reach out to him. His heart was racing in his chest, his mind was caught between reality and that dark damp concrete tomb.

Severide took Casey's hand between his own and spoke to him, slowly and calmly, in a soft, gentle voice. He calmed and quietened so quickly it was almost eerie. Uncanny enough for the nurse and Severide to exchange a shocked look as she checked Casey over, making sure his IV's, drains and catheters were still in place and working as they should.

The medical staff decided it would be safer to put some soft restraints onto Casey's wrists just for a short time. Severide agreed because he was well aware how he would constantly try to pull off the oxygen mask he still had to sleep with at night back home in the apartment. Now he had so much equipment attached to his body that it could prove dangerous if he knocked or pulled anything away. He had drainage tubes in his pelvis, a foley catheter inserted into his bladder, ECG wires secured to his chest and a nasal cannula as well as IVs and more. Severide knew it wouldn't all be there for very long but in the meantime they had to ensure it was all kept intact. He was just so glad that Casey had come through the first major surgery without any complications, and he was sure he would sail through the second one in a couple of days' time just as well.

The next time Casey regained consciousness he just looked at Severide through heavy lidded eyes. Neither of them spoke, there was no need for words, and it wasn't very long before Casey's eyes closed once more and he sank back into sleep.


After some nagging Shay had managed to persuade Severide that he should return home for a few hours in the evening. But only by promising she would stay by Casey's side, in case he woke up disorientated or in a panic again whilst Severide was absent. Severide had explained what had happened so that she wasn't alarmed by the restraints when she entered the room, she sat herself in the easy chair in the corner with a bottle of coke and some chips, lazily flicking through a magazine and glancing up at Casey every so often. He hadn't made a sound since she had been with him, only moved a little, pulling lightly against the soft wrist restraints while he slept.

When Casey opened his eyes again he was looking up at the point where the tiled ceiling met the cream wall, and it took him a few moments to realise he was in the hospital, surrounded by the all too familiar bleeps and hisses of the medical equipment, and the smell of antiseptic.

"Hey, Matt," he heard a soft female voice.

He managed to turn his head a little in the direction of the sound. "Shay..." he croaked, his throat sore and dry.

"How are you feeling?"

"Kel..?"

"He's gone home... he'll be back soon," she told him.

"Can't feel my legs..." Casey murmured.

"You've still got the epidural in, it's numbing everything below your waist. The surgery went really well, they're just trying to keep you pain-free," Shay explained.

Casey tried to move his arm. He needed to free himself from whatever was irritating his face but he couldn't get his hand any more than a few inches from its position by his side. That's when he noticed the soft restraints that were limiting his reach.

"What… what did I do? What happened?" he asked her, tears springing into his eyes, his voice cracking.

"Nothing, Matt," Shay answered him quickly. She put down the magazine and went to Casey's side. "Nothing, you were just a little confused, trying to get everything off. I can undo them for a bit now you're awake properly…"

"Sev… Sev says I'm like a child or something… in my sleep… he always has to stop me from pulling away the oxygen… you think I'd be used to it by now…"

"You're still recovering from the anaesthesia, it can make things…"

"Don't need an excuse…" he muttered. "Where's Kelly?" he repeated.

"He's gone home for a shower and to check on the cats," she told him again as she unfastened the restraints for him.


Severide returned to the hospital for a couple of hours before visiting hours ended and he had to go home again, but he was back first thing in the morning. Casey was still tired and the brutal surgery had taken its toll on his body. After speaking to the doctor, Severide discovered that he had suffered a few arrhythmias so they were going to postpone his second surgery for a few days to give him a little more time to recover. The drains were still in place and some ice packs had been placed over the large gauze pads protecting some of Casey's incisions. He still wore no gown but was swathed in some white sheets and pale green blankets for comfort, with his arms propped by his sides on two soft pillows. The restraints were still on the bed, only being used when he was alone now.

As Severide sat with Casey he read to him. Casey was half awake but too exhausted to keep his eyes open for very long. Severide had brought Casey's current book 'A Brief History of the Universe' with him. Severide rarely read non-fiction books, nor fictional ones for that matter, whereas Casey was an avid reader and was interested in all sort of topics, finding everything fascinating. Severide had started at the beginning the previous night and he was finding himself getting more and more interested in the subject matter as he read it aloud to him. The sound of his voice seemed to keep Casey calmer and less restless. All the staff had noticed how much more settled he seemed to be when Severide was with him. So far Casey had only managed to hold a few very short conversations with him and everyone else but that would improve as he recovered.

By the end of the day he was managing to stay awake for longer periods of time. His surgeon had been to talk to him and he had been able to have a short conversation with him. Now Severide was insisting that he ate some of the food that the orderly had brought round. He had shaken his head at first, reluctant to eat anything, still too out of it to really concentrate, but when he realised that Severide had raised the bed and swung the table over his lap he finally agreed to try some of the food.

It didn't take Severide long to realise that it wasn't going to go well. Casey was so tired he was barely able to raise his hand let alone take hold of the sandwich and lift it to his mouth.

"Stop, baby," Severide told him. He picked up the sandwich. "You just concentrate on opening your mouth and chewing, ok?"

"Mmm…"

"Here." Severide held the food up to Casey's lips and he took a bite, chewing slowly, eyes closed. Then another bite, and before long he had managed to eat half the sandwich. Severide was satisfied that at least Casey had eaten something, so he sat back in the chair and smiled. "Still feeling all right?" he asked.

Casey nodded. The drugs being pumped into the epidural catheter were already being reduced and Severide was scared that eventually Casey was going to be in serious pain from the surgery. But the drugs were still holding it off so he was pleased at that.

"That's good then. Want a drink?" he asked.

Casey nodded slightly again and took some sips from the straw in the cup of water Severide held for him. He was almost falling asleep before Severide replaced the cup back on the table. He stood up and tucked the sheets and blankets around him so he was warm and comfortable, checking the drainage bags lying by his side, and urine bag hanging at the side of the bed to make sure they didn't need changing.


The following morning when Severide arrived in Casey's room the restraints were back on his wrists once more, and he was restless and in pain. The epidural had been removed and he had maxed out on the PCA pump. Severide was helpless as Casey's involuntary shudders of pain gradually became moans of agony. He was being overwhelmed by so much pain that he couldn't control it. His jaw was clenched as he gritted his teeth, starting to sweat, calling out to Severide to do something. After a few minutes, during which Casey was just in more and more pain, medical staff surrounded him forcing Severide to leave the room while they looked after Casey.

The next time Casey came around he couldn't really remember what had happened with much clarity. His head was aching and he still felt groggy. He was sure whatever it was it must have been bad so he just apologised to the nurse and to Severide, but they all told him there was no need, that they understood. They were used to cursing and swearing when people were in as much pain as Casey had been.

"It's all right, Matt, you've been pretty out of it," Severide told him as the nurse left after a routine check.

"Sorry…"

Severide just shook his head.

"Don't really remember much…" Casey murmured croakily. "Much of anything… Shay was here?"

Severide nodded. "Yeah, she spoke to you after the surgery."

He frowned, thinking. "Did you feed me?" he asked.

"Sure did." Severide nodded.

"Thought that was a weird dream…"

"Not a dream," Severide responded.

"Kinky."

"I'll add that to your fetish list then..." Severide grinned, rolling his eyes. "Don't worry I didn't get off on it."

After a few moments Casey spoke again. "What day is it?"

"Friday," Severide told him. "You had surgery on Wednesday afternoon."

"You've missed work?"

"I took a shift out," he explained.

"You working…"

"Sunday. No, taken that too," Severide answered.

"BBQ tomorrow?"

"Wouldn't be the same without you," Severide said.

Casey shook his head. "No, go, please. Have some fun… and then tell me all about it."

Severide smiled. "Didn't tell you, but all the guys from 51 were here..."

"They were?"

"Yeah, all Wednesday afternoon, you're still their lieutenant."

"I pushed them away…"

"Nah, you didn't, distance isn't always a bad thing and you needed it, they understand," Severide responded.


The next day they had Casey sitting up without any assistance even though he was finding it a struggle.

"Hurts like hell…" He couldn't help but groan as he moved into a sitting position, using his hands to steady himself on the bed. They had put him into a hospital gown now as they needed to get him up and about as soon as possible to help reduce the risk of blood clots. The movement would also help with his pain levels eventually. But for the time being, they could see he was still in so much pain that they decided they would need to nerve block his hips to enable him to move as they needed.

Two more catheters were inserted at the nerve sites on either side of his pelvis and not long afterwards, once the anaesthesia began to work, Casey put on his prosthetic and got to his feet with the help of a walker. He could only manage a few steps but it was a start.

"You good?" Severide asked, he never did go to the CFD BBQ. He was beaming a smile at Casey as they got him back into bed and he removed his prosthetic. The two nurses who had been assisting checked all Casey's wires and tubes to ensure they were all still in place and functioning as they should.

Casey just nodded to him, breathing heavily with the strain of the few steps he had done. He handed his leg to Severide who took it from him and placed it against his wheelchair.

"Any pain, Matt?" one of the nurses asked, concerned that he was still suffering.

He just shook his head. "I'm fine. Thanks."

"We'll leave you to it then, we'll call that a day for now but tomorrow we'll go up and down the corridor, yeah?" She smiled at him.

"Sure," came Casey's one-word response. Severide didn't miss the despondency in Casey's voice and expression. He had thought Casey would have been pleased to be out of bed and on his feet, and ecstatic that he was virtually pain free right now.

Once the two nurses had left, Severide sat down. "Matty, you sure you're ok?"

"Yeah." Casey smiled, a bit too forcefully as he turned towards Severide. "I've been thinking..."

"Dangerous..." Severide teased.

"It's not too late to get your shift back tomorrow, is it?"

"Erm... wanna get rid of me or something?"

Casey shook his head in response. "Just think we need some normalcy..."

"Matty…" Severide began after a moment. "Talk to me… a couple of months ago you were bribing me to take some more shifts off… what's goin' on in that head of yours, huh?"

Casey was silent so Severide just took his hand, holding in gently in his as Casey averted his eyes.

"Are you in pain? It doesn't matter if you are… I know they've done the nerve blocks but if you're still in pain or hurting somewhere else then…"

"It doesn't hurt," Casey spoke up. "Not really."

"Ok, good then what…"

"Just tired," Casey answered before Severide could even finish.

"All right, well that's understandable… doesn't explain why you want me to go to work though."

Casey just looked at him.

"I'll let you get some rest then?" Severide said as he stood up.

"You don't have to go… sorry…"

"Talk to me, what are you thinking?"

Casey shrugged, looking bemused. "I… er… I don't know, not really…"

Severide sat back down. That remark could be a starting point. "Ok, well, you know I'm…"

"Here for me. I know." Casey nodded. "TV?"

Another little step forward Severide thought. Maybe he could get Casey to open up a little more. He just smiled and picked up the remote to switch the small TV on.

Neither of them paid much attention to the screen. Severide's mind was preoccupied with Casey, wondering what was wrong, but he was determined to remain positive and help him. On the other hand, Casey's thoughts had entered a really dark place. They had overwhelmed him quite suddenly. One moment he was happy to be taking a few steps and then the next moment he was swept up in misery, wondering what the hell all the effort was for. No matter how well it worked out he would never be a firefighter again. It would be three years in December since he had suffered such horrific injuries and he had always figured he would be over it by now but his mind still went into that dark place, wondering what the point of everything was without the profession, the lifestyle, that he had loved so much. It had all gone for good.

He knows that Severide and everyone will say all this surgery was for reducing his pain and increasing his mobility, but there had been more than one moment since the terrorist attack where the only thing he has been able to feel was pain. His thoughts weren't helped by the fact that he still dwelt on Benny's words that if he truly did love him, he should leave Severide to find someone, a woman, to settle down and have a family with. Now he couldn't even let Severide have the family they both wanted.

As the credits rolled at the end of the programme Severide took Casey's hand, smiling at him. It was the longest he had managed to stay awake since this last round of surgery. He knew Casey hadn't really been concentrating on the TV, his mind had been preoccupied the whole time, but Severide just kept smiling and eventually Casey broke into a smile as well.

"That's better." Severide grinned at him, pulling his phone from one of his pockets.

"What're you doing?" Casey asked him, his voice quiet but curious.

"Just letting everyone know how you are... you don't mind, do you?" He liked to keep everyone updated on his own Facebook page because Casey hardly ever used his account, and never posted anything on it.

Casey shook his head a little, well aware it was something Severide liked to do. "Can say thanks for the visit and sorry I didn't get to see them."

"How about a photo?" Severide moved so he was partially on the bed, cosying up to Casey, with the phone set to camera mode.

"Stuck in here, looking like I do... don't think so..." Casey grumbled.

"Looking like what? You look good to me, even though I wish you didn't have that gown on now..." Severide teased him with a wink.

"You always say I look good, even if I don't," Casey retorted, almost pouting.

"C'mon… pose for the camera." Severide smiled, leaning in closer and just as he took the photo Casey turned his head, planting a kiss on his cheek.

"Maybe that one should stay private," Casey commented quietly as they both looked at the screen.

Severide frowned.

"Well… it's up to you," Casey said.

"I love you, I don't care what anyone thinks, it's going on Facebook." He smiled at Casey's modesty and reluctance. "If you sit up a bit, I'll take another one if you want?"

"Not gonna keep posing for you…"

"You got to."

"You must have hundreds of shots of me, and I bet about half of them are probably me trying to avoid your camera..."

"Actually no, I don't have hundreds," Severide told him, shaking his head slightly.

Casey looked at him, a puzzled expression on his face.

"I have thousands." Severide grinned at the thought of himself scrolling through them whenever he was away from Casey. "You could say I'm obsessed."

"Hmm… well, that's one word for it..."

Severide just kept on grinning, happy that he seemed to have lifted Casey's mood.


Severide did go to work the next day and Casey did manage to walk up and down a short stretch of the corridor a few times throughout the day. Towards the end of the day Casey was lying in the hospital bed flicking through the TV channels, too tired to concentrate on reading, but there were too many thoughts in his head that would not let him sleep.

Casey looked across in response to a knock at the door and he saw Boden's head poke inside, smiling questioningly.

"Chief, come in." Casey smiled back.

"How you doing, Matt?" Boden asked as he strode in, still in his uniform, his radio hung over his chest. He'd left another Chief in charge at the firehouse for the afternoon. His wife had appointment he had attended with her and then he made to long drive out to see Casey since he had the time.

"Well, I think I've significantly brought down the average age on this floor..." Casey laughed.

Boden smiled, pleased to see that his former lieutenant seemed to be doing well. He placed a worn wooden box onto the swing table, along with his radio, it was still on despite being on down-time, just in case he was needed.

"How's Donna doing? Not long now until her due date, right?"

"No, not long... she's had me decorate the nursery twice now."

"Twice?" Casey's eyes opened wide in surprise.

"Yellow this time, so trying to persuade her it doesn't need doing again." Boden laughed. He opened up the box as he was speaking, piquing Casey's attention.

"Chess?"

"If you're up for it?" Boden asked as he pulled up a chair from across the room.

"Definitely." Casey nodded enthusiastically. "Kel never plays with me anymore, he prefers cards, complains I always win... which I don't, because I've let him win more than once..." He laughed.

At that moment, the radio crackled into action, voices at the other end passing information, giving orders. Boden watched the expression on Casey's face, feeling so much sympathy for the man who's career had been cut short.

"You'll always miss it, Matt," Boden told him.

"Yeah, I know... wish I didn't though," Casey responded in a soft voice as he watched Boden setting up the chess board.

"Do they have your knee surgery scheduled yet?" Boden asked, deciding that Casey needed a change of topic.

"Tuesday," Casey answered. "It's gonna be a longer surgery, don't know what Severide's told you..."

"He rarely says anything if I'm honest with you."

"Really?"

"Really. Don't worry, you're not the forefront of firehouse gossip." Boden smiled.

"Well, that would be horrid..." Casey chuckled.

"So, Matt, you were saying about your surgery..."

"Erm yeah... they're replacing my knee joint and some of the bones in my leg... with cadaver bones..."

"Sounds pretty impressive," Boden said, but he hadn't missed the way Casey had spoken. "I've known you for a long time and…"

"Chief… do you mind?" Casey interrupted. "Could we just play chess?"

Boden just smiled at him. "Sure. Now, you want black or white?"

Casey didn't miss the joke there, nor did Boden and they both chuckled together.


When Severide arrived at the hospital on the Monday morning after his shift he found Casey walking down the corridor with one of the nurses by his side. He took her place and walked slowly alongside Casey as he used the walker for support. He held the IV pole and monitor and pushed it along as Casey took some slow and steady steps.

Back in his hospital room a short while later Casey was staring at the ceiling, lost in his thoughts, while Severide was scrolling through his phone.

"Maybe they should just take it after all," Casey said out of the blue.

"Huh?" Severide responded, unsure what he was referring to.

"My leg. Maybe they should just take it..."

"Is that what's been going on with you? You've already had one surgery, baby. You're half way there, don't give up now."

"What's the point in keeping it?" Casey let out a heavy sigh. "I dunno… I just have a bad feeling about this knee thing..."

Severide closed the screen on his phone and moved over to Casey's side on the bed. "Matt, I think you're just feeling a bit… a bit down… that's all. In just over a day it'll all be over and you can start to get better."

"It would be an easier surgery…"

Severide should have known Casey would have been questioning his decision still. "We've talked about this before, and I still think it's the best decision," he told Casey.

"Yeah, yeah, of course, yeah, it is. It's the right choice." He looked across into Severide's eyes for reassurance.

Severide smiled. "Am I gonna be reminding you of that right before you go into the OR tomorrow?"

"Probably."


Severide waved goodbye to Casey as he was wheeled into the pre-op room just before 4pm the next day. He would never get used to the sight of Casey being taken away into surgery. It would always bother him even though Casey didn't seem to be so worried this time, despite the bad feeling he'd experienced about it all. Severide turned away after a few moments and joined Boden, Herrmann and Shay in the waiting area.

"How was he?" Shay asked him as he sat down next to her.

"More relaxed than last time, at least he seems to be. This better be it for him. It better be the last major surgery has to go through. They said they have to use more general anaesthesia this time so he'll take a while to come around afterwards..."

"He might do," Shay replied. "Or it could just have been the last surgery that he struggled with. He was ok after his transplant, wasn't he?"

"Yeah, true, could just be that."

"He'll be all right, Kelly, I'm sure," Boden chipped in, Herrmann nodded in agreement.

"He's gonna be a while, Kelly," Shay spoke. "You want a coffee?"

"I'll go get them," Boden offered, standing up.

"Thanks, Chief." They all chimed in at the same time. Boden just nodded and strode off the get the drinks.

Severide smiled at Shay, placing an arm around her shoulders, while she wrapped an arm around his waist. Herrmann grinned at them both. Severide knew Shay was right. This surgery was far tougher and would take longer than the hip replacements since they were reconstructing both his knee and his lower leg with the knee replacement and allograft.

That evening Shay and Severide were the only two people left in the waiting room. Both were tired beyond belief but would remain there waiting for Casey for as long as it took. Boden and Herrmann had left a short time ago to return to their families but Severide had promised to update them the minute he knew anything. Shay was asleep resting against Severide's shoulder so he kept still, trying to nod off himself.

He must have dozed off at some point because the next thing he heard was his name being spoken quietly. His eyes flicked open. A surgeon in scrubs was standing in front of him and he stood up immediately, heart in his mouth when he saw the grim look on the man's face. Shay was wide awake now as well and she stood up next to him.

Severide's guts ran cold when he heard the surgeon's words.

"His heart stopped, we lost him…"

TBC