Chapter 53: Is it Out?

Summary

"I don't want to wait anymore, Clarke."


"Bellamy?" I walk into the house and set grocery bags on the counter.

His oddly quiet voice comes from the living room, "We're in here."

"We? Who else is here?"

I walk into the room and see him on the couch with Zoe's head in his lap. He holds a finger to his lips, his voice soft, "Shhh, she's sleeping."

A broad smile crosses my face. He scratches behind her ears and a particularly loud snore comes from the dog in his lap. I have to stifle a laugh at her little personality quirks. I sit down on the knee that isn't occupied by the dog, careful not to jostle her awake. It's funny how easy it is to think of Zoe as another person in our house. Maybe that's partly because she thinks she's people.

Bellamy pecks me on my cheek and I turn my face so I can press a soft kiss on the lips.

I give him a smile, "How has your day been?"

He shrugs, "It's been good. I'm researching Ph. D. programs."

I give him a huge smile, "That's exciting."

He rolls his eyes, a bit self-deprecating, "Yeah, as a whole, it's exciting. It's just kind of daunting to go back to school." He's lost in thought for a moment, "That aside, and I know you're not pregnant yet, but is it a good idea for me to be back in school when we'll have a baby on the way?"

I loop one arm around his neck and tilt his chin to face me with my free hand, "Bellamy. I am not going to let you deny yourself your Ph.D. You deserve this." He nods, but I can see he's still debating it in his head. I cradle his cheek with my palm and he closes his eyes, he leans into my hand with a tenderness and vulnerability that makes my heart ache. "Bellamy, I'm serious. We can do both. You need to finish your doctoral program, and you know it." I see the hesitation in his expression, and I brush my thumb along his cheek. "You and I? We've got this. If you're worried about us being able to handle an inconvenient pregnancy, I'll remind you that we've been there and done that."

A grin forms on his lips, "True." He sighs with a quirk of his lips, "Okay, how about this…What if I delay the Ph.D program, just for a bit?" I feel a frown form on my face and he squeezes my arm before I can interrupt. "Hold on, just hear me out."

I nod, "Alright. I'm listening."

"I've put some thought into the timing besides just logistics or… inconvenience."

I tilt my head to the side, "What do you mean?"

He shrugs, "I want to know our child. I want to spend time with her."

I'm overcome by a sudden surge of love for this man. I am so incredibly blessed. Despite the tears that well up behind my eyes, I know my smile is bright. Still, he looks concerned.

"Hey, hey, what's the matter?"

I shake my head, "Nothing. Not a single thing."

Bellamy cradles my face with his hand and wipes a tear away from my cheek and I can't hold back. I revel in his relieved sigh when I crash forward to capture his lips with mine. He draws my entire being into a slow, burning kiss. It's deep, wordlessly articulating our sheer joy, our devotion to each other. A smile radiates from my soul and my inability to stifle it breaks the kiss, but he tenderly holds my head in place. He leans his forehead against mine and I sigh with contentment.

"It's going to be a 'she,' huh?"

He huffs a quiet laugh, "I don't know. That's just what I keep picturing… a girl." His fingers quirk against my scalp, "But for the record, I'm happy with either." He presses a soft kiss to my lips and beams, "I don't want to wait any more, Clarke."

I shake my head, "Me either." I grin and gently draw my head back to get a better look at him. "On that note, I made an appointment to get the IUD removed." We've been waiting to move on this since we decided that we want to expand our family, but for the past few months, it seemed like one thing or another had been getting in the way. Now that things calmed down, he's been hinting (without much subtlety) about removing the IUD.

His smile becomes ecstatic, "Are you serious?"

"Yeah, I am." I sit up straighter. "The wedding is less than two months away, so we don't have to be concerned about having to hide a baby bump, because even if we do get pregnant right away, it would be really early in the pregnancy." He nods for me to continue, "The only thing that might be inconvenient would be if my cycle aligns and I'm on my period on the day of the wedding. Or even on our honeymoon."

He shrugs, "We can work around that if it happens, if that's something you're okay with."

I smile, "Okay. I just wanted to put it out there."

"So, when is the appointment?"

"Friday."

Bellamy grins, "This Friday?"

"Yes. Tomorrow…" I nod, worrying my lower lip between my teeth. "Before it comes out, I want to talk about a few things. Because we're going to make a person, Bell. I know we've talked about big things, like schools and stuff as she gets older, but I want to make sure we're on the same page for some other things I've thought of lately."

He nods, "What's on your mind?"

I tilt my head, "Well. For one thing, I've been doing research on pregnancy and our lifestyle."

He shrugs, "We can quit if we have to." He just blurts it out, like it's no big deal to completely leave it behind.

I think about that for a second, "You want kids that bad? You'd just… quit?"

He furrows his brow and searches my eyes, "Clarke, there doesn't even have to be a reason. If it becomes something you don't want to do anymore, then we stop. I don't need it. I need you." I'm taken aback by the gentleness in his expression. Bellamy has always been a kind person at his core, but the overt tenderness is more prominent than it's ever been. Since we've been engaged, he's been more… gentle. Not that I'm complaining. I've found I enjoy the sweeter quality of his dirty talk when it has made its way into the bedroom.

"I don't want to quit."

He grows concerned as a frown begins to take shape on my face, "Hey, what's wrong?"

I shrug, "I just… I never thought about it before. Quitting. It's been such a huge part of your life, Bellamy… And I know I'm newer to it, but it's a big part of my life, too. So, I know what a big deal it would be to stop. At least for me."

His lips quirk up in a small smile, and he presses a kiss to my temple, "My point was, you are more important than the sex we have. If you wanted to quit, I wouldn't think twice about leaving it behind for you." Affection blooms inside of me and I curl into the comfort his chest. I accidentally bump Zoe, who releases an annoyed, drawn-out groan. I chuckle and stroke her big head to placate her while I lean into Bellamy.

I tell him, "I appreciate that. And it's the same for me. You're more important than the kink. If this ever became something that wasn't positive for us… If we needed to, I would stop in a heartbeat. Okay?"

He smiles, "Okay."

I turn my head up to face him, "What I was starting to say was, we don't have to quit everything. We'll just have to make some modifications."

"Okay. Like what?"

I tilt my head to the side, "Well, impact play near my abdomen is off-limits. As are any activities that could result in abdominal trauma."

He swallows with a frown, "Well yeah, obviously."

"The biggest issue is that trauma to the abdomen could cause placental abruption."

He raises an eyebrow, "Ab-what now?"

"It's when the placenta detaches from the uterus during pregnancy, and depending on how much it detaches, it could result in fetal demise." I wince at my overly professional tone. Bellamy looks about a breath away from passing out. I find his hand with mine and squeeze it firmly, "Shit… I'm sorry. I should have worded that… differently." His face does not look any less panicked. I stroke his arm with my free hand as I tell him, "Hey, breathe. We're not going to let it happen okay? I just want us both to be aware of the risks we'd be taking." I definitely should've been a bit less graphic, since I'm referring to our hypothetical child. It's traumatic enough to hear it in the context of someone else's condition. It's a whole other level of stressful to consider it on a personal level.

He clears his throat and relaxes, letting his tension leave his body. "Okay, so nothing anywhere near your stomach."

I chuckle, "No impact play near the stomach. There are still plenty of things you can do there."

Bellamy's grin is mischievous "Is that right?" I feel him squeeze my side and his large fingers quickly dance across my abdomen before I can stop them. I squirm with a shriek, which annoys Zoe enough to elicit another groan. We freeze our movements with a grin while we wait for Zoe to settle back to sleep. I'm not a fan of tickling, and he knows not to push it. But, ever since we decided to move forward with the baby, he has been hyper-focused on my belly. It's almost as if he feels the need to be on contact with it at all times. I'm not even sure he's aware he's doing it, honestly.

Bellamy breaks the comfortable silence, "Okay. What other things need to change?"

"Well, pregnant women are at an increased risk for DVT's."

He gives me that look that says I'm being too medical. I explain, "Deep-Vein Thrombosis – you know, blood clots that form in the legs, where blood flow can slow down. So, we should probably put a shorter limit on predicament bondage time."

He nods, "Yeah – holding still in one position for a long time might not be a great idea."

"No, it wouldn't be. Not to mention, as my body changes, my center of gravity will be off, so it'll be harder to balance into some of the things you put me through now."

He frowns and shakes his head, "Let's just not do any. It could be tempting fate, you know?" I see panic swimming in his eyes, "What if you fall over or something during a challenge, and then hurt yourself or the baby?"

I place a calming hand on his bicep, "Or we can make changes as they become necessary. I only mentioned it because it's just something I want us to keep in mind."

He can't mask the worry on his face, "Yeah. Alright."

"We'll also have to make changes to our impact play in general. For example, some of the instruments we normally use are going to be off limits. Like whipping me with the flogger."

He nods, "I don't disagree."

"It's because the noise that comes from the loose ends is uniquely loud and echo-y through the body. It travels and vibrates through the amniotic fluid and the baby can like, feel it."

Bellamy's face is a unique shade of horrified.

I squeeze my hand around his. "We can still use the flogger, like when you drag it along me lightly when we're doing sensation play and stuff." I shiver at the reminder of the way the strands trail slowly and heavily along my skin. "I love when you do that, so please don't stop."

He smiles and presses a kiss to my shoulder, "Understood.

"Also, we'll need to augment certain elements of rope bondage, and be especially careful with placement and positioning. Cutting off circulation is even more problematic because of increased blood volume and differences in blood flow." I pause a moment, "I mean, I know you already are really careful and vigilant. It's just… there will be more than just me at stake here, you know?"

His hand flinches on my hip. "Yeah. I know what you mean."

I nudge him gently with my elbow, "I'm not trying to scare you, okay?"

He nods, "I know."

"A lot of things will change when I'm pregnant. I just don't want it to be a surprise. That's all."

He gives me a lopsided smile, "I hear you."

I nudge him with my shoulder, "And, I may not be exactly… pleasant when I'm pregnant."

He squeezes me a little closer, "Have you forgotten I was there the first time around?"

I chuckle, "No, I haven't forgotten. I'm reminding myself as much as I'm reminding you." My eyes meet his soft gaze, "Also, not every pregnancy is the same. I had nearly zero pregnancy symptoms with Alex. But with this one, I might have every ailment in the book. So… yeah." I rest against his chest some more, "There's another thing that I really need us to be on the same page for."

His thumbs rub soft circles on my hips and his voice is gentle, "I'm listening."

I take a deep breath, "It's about the birth. Like, our birth plan."

"The birth plan, already?"

I roll my eyes playfully, "Yes, already. There are some things about this pregnancy and birth that I want done… differently from last time."

"Fair enough. Such as?"

I blow out a chest full of air, "Unless it is absolutely necessary, I don't want to give birth in a hospital." He appears to be thinking it over, so I pause a moment before I continue, "I know that doesn't seem to make sense, because I'm an OB, and I'm always in the hospital, but…"

He shakes his head, "No, actually. It makes perfect sense. The hospital is not necessarily a peaceful place for you."

I nod thoughtfully, "That's actually a really accurate observation."

He shrugs, "I remember, you wanted a natural birth with Alex, but circumstances called for something different. We had to be flexible." I feel my chest squeeze a little when he says we, because he truly was my partner for that birth, even if it wasn't his baby I was carrying.

"And that's something we both have to be, regardless: Flexible. I know that. But, ideally, I want to have our baby at home. And I want a midwife, not a surgeon in attendance. Again, nothing against my own profession, but I want as few interventions as possible."

He kisses my forehead, "Okay. If that's what you want, that's what we'll do."

I smile, "And again, if things don't work out that way, then they don't work out. I'm not going to put my child's life, or my own life at risk. But I also want this to be a peaceful experience, which… Last time it wasn't." I think about Bellamy's earlier words. "And you have a really good point about the hospital not being a peaceful place for me. That's really true." I crack a fond smile, "It's exciting, and I love what I do there, but..."

He nods, "I wasn't trying to imply that you hate it or anything."

I laugh, "No, I know. I just… it's where I work. Again, I love my job, and I take a lot of pride in what I accomplish there." I shrug and lean my head against Bellamy, "It sounds stupid, but I don't want to bring my child into the world at my workplace."

He kisses my temple softly, "It doesn't sound stupid, Clarke."

I smile, "Thank you."

"So, once the IUD is out, how long until you can get pregnant?"

I smirk, "Eager much?"

He nods, "Fuck, yes."

"You really want to put your baby in me, don't you?"

My body shivers when he scrapes his teeth against my neck then drops his graveled voice an octave, "You're goddamn right I do." I feel him smile against my skin, completely aware of his effect on me. My heart falls into an excited rhythm when I think of my form growing heavy with his child – no, our child. He chuckles again, "You didn't give me an answer."

I pull back to look at him, "An answer to what?"

"How long?"

I huff an amused laugh, "Oh. That. An IUD the most easily reversible form of birth control. Pregnancy can occur within one ovulation cycle."

He grins, ear to ear. "So… soon?"

I nod, "If we're lucky."

"So, we should just have a ton of sex. You know, to practice."

I laugh, "Obviously. Because we totally need practice."

Goosebumps erupt over my whole body when he whispers against my ear, "We should get started on that."

Friday comes, and I finally get the IUD removed by Anya, a colleague who will be my midwife once I'm actually pregnant. The removal itself goes smoothly, and I'm more than pleased there isn't any bleeding or cramping afterward. Anya gives me the post-removal instructions with a knowing smirk.

"I know you're aware of all this, but just for my peace of mind, I'm still giving you the spiel."

I laugh, "Go for it."

"You told me that you guys are aiming to conceive as soon as possible. The good news is, you're free to start trying immediately. Even tonight if you want, assuming you're physically comfortable."

I nod with a grin, "As long as I'm not feeling cramps or uterine pain, I don't think there will be much delay." I pause a moment before I continue. "About our sex life, I just want to put this out there right away."

She raises an eyebrow, "Okay, what's that?"

"Bellamy and I practice a somewhat… unconventional lifestyle."

She nods, "Can you be a little more specific?"

"Um… kink-heavy?"

"Okay. Does this include things that are dangerous for the pregnancy?"

"We'll be making a lot of changes to our activities as my body changes, to limit the risk. I just want you to be aware. We like rough sex, and more often than not, I find bruises on myself after our activities. So, if you see them, I just don't want you to be… upset?"

"I understand. In the interest of full disclosure, I will probably still ask you about any that I see. Keeping women safe is part of my core philosophy."

I nod, "I know, and I get that. Could you just… not judge Bellamy for it?"

She laughs, "Of course. For my own peace of mind, I'll just want to know that any marks that I see were…"

"Consensual?"

She nods, both amused and intrigued. "Yes. Consensual is the right word."

"Consent is big for us. But if you need to ask, I understand that."

She gives me a reassuring smile, "I'm not judging. I'm glad you told me. It's intriguing. Maybe you can educate me as things go on, because people in the world are into all kinds of things. Open my mind or something. It'll be nice to talk about it to someone with a health background who actually takes part in those things."

"I'd be happy to tell you more."

"You're on prenatals already?"

"Of course." I recommend prenatal vitamins to every woman of childbearing age, regardless of pregnancy status. I, personally, want my body as prepared as possible. I've also been taking steps to de-stress lately, by going to yoga more often, and practicing meditation regularly. The most effective stress relief for me, though, is submission to Bellamy. Letting go and putting control into his hands is an unparalleled source of respite for my soul. I'm jarred out of my thoughts again by Anya's business-like tone.

"I'm glad to hear it. Well, hopefully I'll be seeing you back in here sooner than later."

A smile stretches across my face, "Hopefully."

I take a moment to let this settle in. Up until now, our talk of babies and family expansion has been just that: talk. We're more than ready for this, and we finally get to make it happen.

Once I get home, I don't make it more than a few feet past the door before I'm accosted by a ravenous and excited Bellamy. He traps me against the wall and cages me between his strong arms. I manage an "Oh!" before he slants his mouth over mine. His kiss is deep and demanding, and I return it with enthusiasm, as if we've been starved of each other. When we finally come up for air, a broad smile stretches across his face.

I brush my thumbs over his cheeks, while I try to steady my voice, trembling with excitement. "Hi, there."

He shakes his head, dropping it forward, and laughs against my temple, "Yeah, okay, 'Hi' works." I push his face away gently so I can sweep my gaze across his features and I can't fight the smile that radiates from my core.

Bellamy searches my eyes carefully, "So…?"

I echo his words with a grin, "So…?"

"Is it out?"

I laugh, "Yes. It's out."

"So you're, like, ready? Can you have sex yet?"

I nod, "Yes. As soon as we want." I hook a toe under the hem of his pant leg and give him a sultry grin as I drag it slowly up his calf.

"In fact, right now works just fine for me…"


End Chapter Notes

Thank you to Amber ( bilexualclarke) for beta-ing this so quickly! I'm so glad I caught you on a weekend off!
Also, thank you to Kayla( raincityruckus) for being my sounding board these last few months while I figure out where I'm going with this fic.

No smut this time, but that will be rectified next chapter. At the moment, I'm channeling my porn energy into my pornstar character ("I'll Give You All Kinds of New Material"), so I hope to have an update ready soon for "I'll Give you All Kinds of New Material." After getting so many bellarke feels in recent episodes, I've been significantly more motivated to write these guys.
Thank you so much for sticking with this during the long breaks between chapters – it is super helpful to get reviews from these chapters, because it lets me know you guys are still with me and reading! I appreciate all your comments on the Domme!Clarke chapter, and I'm really glad it was so well-received.

Also, I'm on tumblr (missemarissa) for those of you who wish to join me in being bellarke trash…

COMMENTS and FAVORITES/FOLLOWS are basically the dream for me. So if you're enjoying this, please do that!