Chapters 161-162 of Nobody Sees Me Wishing
Ignoring the throbbing pain in my head, I forced myself to open my eyes.
It took me a few moments to remember where I was. Instead of waking up in a bed, I was in the middle of a darkened room in an armchair. It wasn't even in my own flat; I could tell it wasn't mine by the table my feet were on. It was reflective – probably glass – and I definitely didn't have a glass table.
Straightening with a yawn, I looked around and immediately recognized the room.
"Ivy?"
I pushed myself out of the chair and made my way to her room. She had to have come back last night. I must have missed her come in. Maybe she even apparated straight into her room because she didn't want to deal with me.
Pushing the door open, I peered in the room, but it was empty.
She never came back.
With a frustrated sigh, I leaned against the wall and looked up at the ceiling. I knew exactly where she was – there was only one place she would run to. Cursing underneath my breath, I hesitated for a few seconds before disapparating.
As soon as my eyes opened again, I caught sight of James and Remus standing across the room, furious looks on their faces. My obvious appearance didn't even catch their attention and I wasn't going to do anything – I had no problems with someone yelling at Remus.
"What – she just crawled in your bed and you happily obliged and didn't say anything or try to stop her?"
"I told you – it just because she was afraid and I didn't touch and didn't want to!"
My stomach lurched uncomfortably. "She slept with you?" I managed to say, my fists clenching involuntarily.
I could see Remus's eyes widen before he even looked over at me and he winced slightly. James only gave Remus a look and I knew exactly why.
"She didn't sleep – not like that-"
"Like how then?" I snapped.
The sick feeling in my stomach was rising in my throat at the very thought of – no, they wouldn't – not now – not just because we got into a stupid fight -
Remus immediately went into an explanation. "She just needed time to think and I told her she could sleep here and she must have gotten scared or something because she couldn't sleep by herself in the living room and I swear, I didn't do anything and I wouldn't – not..." He faltered, looking at me with his eyes wide.
I gave him a long look in return, trying to understand what he was trying to say. He was rambling and probably didn't do anything with Ivy and I was worrying for no reason, but she still got in bed with him and it made my chest tighten.
"I need to talk to her," I finally made my decision. I couldn't do anything until Ivy told me everything. I just needed to see her.
Remus shook his head slowly, gesturing toward the door. "James kind of glared at her when she woke up and she went on a walk to get out."
James sent Remus a glare – probably much like the one Ivy got. "She was in your bed and I just happened to see you guys-"
"Oh, shut it," I muttered, opening the door. "I'm going to find her."
"I'm coming too," Remus immediately exclaimed, grabbing his coat on the back of the couch.
James rolled his eyes dramatically. "Great, make it into a search party for something trivial."
I ignored him and turned to Remus. I didn't care what had happened last night at that moment, all I wanted was to talk to Ivy. "I'll go down Galer," I told him, gesturing toward the right.
"I'll take Prior."
James didn't even move to follow, so I closed the door with him still inside and quickly made my way down Galer alley. When I looked behind me, Remus was practically sprinting in the opposite direction, his wand clutched in his hand as if he expected something to happen.
It was early on a weekend – nobody was going to be prowling the streets at this time.
Nevertheless, I began to walk faster, glancing down every alley and road for any hint of her. She couldn't have gone far – she was probably daydreaming, thinking about something else while walking and she tended to meander when there were things on her mind. She had probably made a turn somewhere.
Maybe she was planning on walking back to her flat.
Turning in the correct direction, I began making my way down a deserted street. Why would she go to Remus after a fight? Wouldn't she want to work it out with me instead of running over to him? She didn't even want to tell him about our engagement and she was still depending on him as much as she depended on me. She went to him for a date after we broke up. She always relied on him and he was probably still in love with her. And he handled it well – probably waited every time for something to happen so he could have her again.
Gritting my teeth, I turned another corner and told myself to breathe – everything was going to fine. I just needed to tell her everything. I needed to give her the ring. I needed to explain myself. She was probably just scared last night about what I said.
I should've gone after her. She needed to know I wanted to go after her.
"No, just leave it!"
Instinctively, my hand reached into my cloak and I pulled out of my wand at the sound of the rough voice. Almost immediately after, two large people skidded to the stop outside of an alley and I knew immediately who they were.
Mulciber and Avery.
Images from that day flashed through my mind – Ivy, my brother, hexing everyone in sight – and before I could even think twice, my wand was pointed right at them and they were looking back, but there was no fright in their eyes.
Just triumph.
And it made my blood boil. "I'm going to turn you into the Order," I snarled, my wand point right at Avery's throat. "Don't try to do anything – one move-"
"Why don't you stun us? Make it much easier, would it?" Mulciber growled, his eyes still shining as though he had a secret.
"You wouldn't be able to talk if I did," I told them, jabbing my wand and causing Avery to take in a harsh breath. I smirked in response. For the first time, I had them right where I wanted them and they had no way out.
Mulciber suddenly jolted to the side, but he was pulled back.
"Oh, clever," he drawled, "invisible binding."
"Did you think I was going to let you get away that easily?"
But he just laughed in response and I pulled the bindings tighter. "You think you've got the upper hand, don't you, traitor?" Mulciber said, a sick smile on his face. "And all the while you have me here, threatening me with your weak words, your poor girlfriend is turning cold and deathly white only mere meters away."
"Don't-" I warned him and tightened the bindings.
Even though I was probably strangling him, Mulciber still managed to keep that sick smile. "You don't have to believe me. Just leave her there to rot then – obviously, you don't care about her anymore."
The corners of his mouth curled upward – satisfaction.
The triumph in his eyes.
The sick smile.
Ivy.
A sudden crack surprised me and then Mulciber and Avery were gone. My wand must have lowered or – how did they-
My hands were shaking.
My whole body was shaking.
"Ivy?" My lips formed her name before I even realized it and then I was making my way down the alley in the direction Mulciber looked.
He was lying.
He wouldn't touch her.
There was no reason to hurt her.
And then I could see someone lying on the ground and with a sickening lurch in my stomach. My throat tightened and I couldn't even take in a breath and it felt as though I was choking and I couldn't even think straight -
I fell to my knees beside her and couldn't even feel the impact of ground on my legs. No, everything was numb and broken and-
"No, no, no, please..." I could hear myself muttering over and over but I couldn't even stop myself. My lips just formed the words.
"God, no, no-" I pleaded, grabbing her suddenly, as if it was going to bring her back somehow. She only fell limp in my arms and I choked back something rising in my throat.
She was so cold.
"T-this this wasn't...it wasn't supposed to happen...not to you," I struggled to say, pulling up her so that her nose brushed with mine. I took in a shuddering breath as I realized she wasn't ever going to respond ever again.
Never.
"Oh god, not you..." Why couldn't she just wake up? "Never you." It had to be some sort of sick joke. She couldn't – they wouldn't – not her. She never did anything. They didn't have any reason to – she couldn't be -
"Please, please," I began pleading again, moving my hands up to her face and placing my thumbs on her cheeks. "You can't just leave me like this- not you."
She wasn't going to respond.
"Ivy..." Even her name sounded broken.
So cold.
Why would they – why her – she didn't do anything and she never deserved this – I couldn't even breathe anymore – why couldn't I breathe?
I was going to wake up any moment now. Ivy had these dreams all of the time – woke up sobbing and thrashing about – and now they were haunting me. It was only a dream and none of it was real. None of it could be real.
But she didn't even have a heartbeat.
"S-Sirius." My name sounded far away. It wasn't her – I didn't need to pay attention to it. It wasn't important. "We – we need to get her back to the house and – and message everyone."
Familiar, but not her.
I shook my head, holding her against me. She wasn't going to move. She was going to stay here with me and I wasn't going anywhere.
"We can just-" Hesitation. Long, awful hesitation. "We c-can levitate her back and-"
"No!" I finally responded, shaking my head furiously. They weren't going to move her. No one was going to touch her. I needed her. "I-I want to do it. I want to carry her."
More hesitation – no answer. Instead of waiting for a response, I moved to pick her up – she was light – too light – and watched as her head lolled back. Like a rag doll.
When I lifted her up, I glanced up to see Remus looking at me and it caused my stomach to lurch again.
Moving her head to rest against my chest, I took the first step – even though I was trembling, I was able to move.
It was like she wasn't in my arms. There was just – emptiness – and I couldn't even feel anything.
Everything was empty.
-x-
He kept asking questions.
Where she was – who she was with – what we saw – trying to figure out what had happened. But I couldn't listen.
They put her on the couch right in front of me – I could see her lying there and, no matter how long I stared, I couldn't see her breathing. She was absolutely still – nothing at all. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I forced myself to look away.
Remus was just standing there.
Lily had her face buried in James's chest while James stared ahead, his eyes wide.
Peter was looking at the floor.
None of us were answering Dumbledore's questions.
"I-" Even Dumbledore faltered and I winced in response. He wasn't supposed to falter in a time like this. "I believe messages to the family are in order."
How could he even talk so formally?
It was her.
"They'll arrange the funeral-"
I flinched at the word, taking a moment to close my eyes and take in a breath. Funeral. I couldn't – a funeral with the flowers and the casket and-
My throat tightened again and I struggled to take in a breath.
I couldn't deal with this.
This wasn't supposed to happen. We were trained to deal with death in the Order but not – not her. She wasn't ever supposed to be involved. It was supposed to be me.
Why would anyone want to ever hurt her?
Clenching my fists, I tried to take in another breath but everything was spinning and hot and all I could see was her lying there and she was never going to come back.
"She – she was in the alley and Sirius was already there -" I heard Remus explaining vaguely.
Explaining how he found us. And then they were all looking at me, waiting for me to continue about how I found her lying there and about Mulciber and his sick smile. They wanted to know the information for the Order, wanted to know if she told anything, wanted to know everything for the benefit of the Order.
Slowly, I shook my head, my eyes never leaving her. "She had nothing to do with the Order. She's dead and all you want to know is how she fit into a stupid equation. She doesn't fit, she never fit, and she never will, so stop and leave her the hell alone."
Looking away from her, I saw Dumbledore staring intently at me, his gaze almost sympathetic. But I didn't care. I couldn't deal with this – not now – not ever.
So I disapparated away – a tightness still in my throat, my stomach churning and my head swimming. And, for once, I wished it was part of apparating.
-x-
Her journal lay next to me on the bed.
It was all I had.
-x-
It fell off the bed the second night.
It woke me and it was the first time I allowed myself to cry.
-x-
After then, I never let go.
And I couldn't even open it. I couldn't see her writing. Her thoughts. Everything she was was left in one book.
-x-
"Sirius?"
Groaning, I turned away from the voice, hiding underneath my pillow.
"You can't be sleeping. It's noon."
"What's wrong with sleeping past noon?" I muttered against the fabric, knowing that James couldn't hear me.
"You've been couped up in here for the last week."
Wonder why.
"You need to get up."
He wasn't going to say it.
"The funeral is today."
Wincing, I hid deeper under my covers. I didn't want to go. I couldn't go and deal with it again. Everyone was going to be offering apologies and no one understood. No one was there. No one saw Mulciber and Avery.
And her family was going to be there. I didn't want to deal with them – not her mother and father when they didn't even like me in the first place. And then little Eleanor – I didn't want to see her reaction.
"You have to go."
But he wasn't going to give up. He was right. I had to go for her.
Curling up, I pressed the pillow against my face, wondering if it would be enough to suffocate myself. Nothing would be enough.
"Sirius!"
Suddenly, the covers were ripped off of the bed and I was staring up at James. "What?" I snapped back at him.
He was pulling at me, forcing me off of the mattress. "Get up and get dressed." I glared at him and he turned to give something to me. "Look, I even got you a suit and everything, just-" He hesitated, looking at me carefully. "Get dressed, okay?"
"Why are you ordering me around?" I asked, ignoring the burning in my throat.
"You've been in here for a week and you haven't left or anything-"
"God, I wonder why. Oh, yeah, my fucking girlfriend just died and I'm just being a downer, aren't I? I'll just perk right up then and get dressed and get all happy to go to wonderful funeral, okay?!"
Even after my outburst, James didn't make any movement to leave. He only watched me out of curious eyes, his hands limply going to his sides. I didn't care if he was hurt; he was the one forcing me to move and I didn't want to.
He didn't even try to say anything. Throwing him a glare, I wrenched the clothes out of his hands and strode toward the bedroom door.
"It was my fault."
He said it slowly, out of nowhere, making me stop in my tracks.
"What was?" I turned toward him.
James was looking at the floor, his chest rising rapidly. "I – I didn't mean it. She woke up in Remus's bed and I – I didn't even give her a chance to explain or anything. I just glared at her and was about to start yelling at her too when she felt the need to leave. I scared her out of the house. I'm in the reason she – she died and I didn't ever think – I didn't – god, it was me and – I didn't mean to, I really didn't – she – it was my fault, I'm sorry, it was all me."
He looked up at me with glassy eyes, slowly shaking his head. "I didn't – I'd never want to do that to her – to you. I'm sorry."
I couldn't find anything to say, but James just kept rambling. "And I understand if you hate me and never want to talk to me again. I wouldn't – I can't even imagine any of this happening to Lily even though she's in the Order. Ivy wasn't even in the Order and everything would have been fine if I wouldn't have-"
"It's not your fault," I found myself saying.
James stopped his rambling, though he still shook his head.
"It isn't," I repeated. "You didn't know – it – it wasn't because you got mad at her. It was Mulciber...and Avery. Not you. You'd never hurt Ivy. Never."
He was shaking and I was too.
"I'm sorry."
It was the first time the words actually meant something and it took everything for me not to break down.
Second to last chapter. The next chapter will contain the funeral and then it'll be over. :(
I really don't have much to say, other than :(
Leave a review if you want to. Thank you so much for reading.
