Chapter 52
Standing in front of the door, Miranda found herself wishing that she had the gift of foresight. That she had the ability to predict the future as Helena apparently had. She had always known where she was going, even when she joined the Normandy with Shepard. There had always been a goal, an endgame. Now, she couldn't help but feel as if she was floundering – struggling through something she didn't understand.
Helena's supposed gift was making her more and more uncomfortable. During the meeting she had brushed a lot of the facts off to research, but quite a few things had slipped through as well. And Kasumi Goto noticed it.
Alison Gunn, Miranda mused. That had to come from her foresight. Or… hindsight. What is it? A type of scrying? A hidden knowledge of people's future or their past? Could she read minds? Or was it simply luck and good guessing?
And how are we just accepting this? Even with all of Cerberus' research into the human mind, they had not yet found definitive proof of clairvoyance. And some people within their organization have been looking for a very long time.
It was very hard to say and Miranda knew that the only way they would really get the answers that both she and Shepard desired would be to hand Helena over to one of the human development research teams that the Illusive Man kept in his back pocket. But, she also knew that she couldn't do it. Not even Shepard could and Katelyn always gave her the impression of just waiting for an excuse to turn on Helena. Closing her eyes, clutching the bags in her hands, Miranda brought to mind the few excursions that she had had to those projects. She had never held a lot of confidence in them, as quite a lot of the subject matter had been based on theory. The patients they used were mostly volunteers, some biotic, some not. Drugs were always involved – sometimes torture and stressful situations to try and trigger any kind of mental reaction.
Nothing worked and none of the patients had shown an inkling of the promise that Helena had for such a program.
Miranda closed her eyes and shook her head, shivering in the quiet hallway. She tried to tell herself that it was due to cold and quickly pulled herself together when she heard the door open. Helena's mop of red hair made an appearance as she moved forward, then stopped when she saw Miranda. Puzzlement crossed her features for a moment as she stepped back a little.
"We thought you might have missed the door," she pointed out. "I was about to form a search party… You alright?"
What if she can read my mind? Miranda wondered and quickly schooled herself to mental calm. "I had a call," she pointed out, wondering how long she had stood there staring at the door. "Hey…" It was there. Almost.
Hey love.
Don't, Miranda. Just don't.
Helena smiled at her and motioned her into the room. "Hey," she said softly and, as Miranda moved past her she felt the woman's hand briefly touch her back before she closed the door behind them. Rinn was sitting in the kitchen by the little breakfast table, a line of datapads open before her. When she looked up she smiled briefly and began to pull the datapads together.
"Hello, Miranda," she greeted her. "Sorry, I was just... ahm…"
"Sit," Miranda said quickly. "Hi." She made space for Helena in the hallway to pass her by stepping into the kitchen. She had noticed it before, but again it struck her that the apartment was really small. The Normandy's Crew Deck had more space than this hole.
"I brought dinner. There was this ramen shop and…" When her statement was met with excited smiles, she paused – feeling embarrassed. I am so bad at this. Why is acting normal so hard? "I thought…" Rinn got up immediately, cutting her short.
"Here," she said. "I'll ah… take it. We were just wondering what we'll get for dinner when you came…" She trailed off and relieved Miranda of her charge.
She was happy to relinquish it, but realised that now she had nothing to do. What do people do? Sit? Begin talking immediately? She looked to Helena, who came to her aid immediately. Long fingers found her elbow and pulled her into the living room.
"Do you want to put your bag in my room?"
Miranda could have kissed her. "Yes," she breathed. "Thank you." She allowed the woman to guide her. Helena didn't close the door behind them but there was a little bit of privacy as they stepped out of view. Before she could put her bag down, Helena's hand trailed down her arm and found her palm. Their fingers entwined and the world stabilised again.
This I understand, she thought as she dropped the bag and pulled the ginger closer, placing a lingering kiss on her cheek. Helena's mouth softened to a smile as she put her hand on Miranda's face and kissed her in return, not bothering with her cheek. When they pulled away, the Normandy's XO took a moment to assess her lover and found pretty much what she had expected to see.
"I wasn't being presumptions with this," Miranda said softly as she motioned to the bag. "I mean, if you and Rinn have plans, I am more than willing to go. I know it was a hard day for all concerned."
Breathing a soft laugh, Helena looked to the ground and nodded. "It's certainly been interesting," she said, not looking at her. "How are things on the Normandy? Is the Commander…?" She struggled. "Is she alright, Miranda? With all of this I mean? Is she keeping…?" She trailed off, but Miranda could guess where she was going.
Is she keeping it together?
"Your presentation was good," Miranda told her softly. "You gave us what we needed. As much as you can, I suspect." She made them sit down and took the woman's hand. "Katelyn saw that." She grimaced. "Unfortunately, so did Kasumi Goto. I realise this was all a bit… slap dash, but I couldn't help but think that I should have presented some of the information. She doesn't buy it that you hacked the system."
Helena didn't say anything, but looked at her in concern, waiting for a question Miranda wanted to ask, but knew not to.
How do you know all this and what more can you tell us?
Miranda squeezed her hand. "Are you alright?"
The hand tightened in hers a second later as Helena breathed out, letting go of a breath Miranda hadn't noticed that she was holding.
"I am," she spoke quietly. "I'm just tired. That ahm…" Her eyes went to the ceiling, searching for words. "I haven't done that in a while. Talk like that I mean. I've never been good talking in front of people." She gave Miranda a sheepish look. "Farm animals don't ask questions, you know?"
Smiling, playing along, Miranda shook her head. "They probably don't," she said. "As I said, I brought some extra things, but I don't have to spend the night. I really just came to check in. Unless you want to go out? I am willing to take you anywhere. Dancing, drinking…"
Helena's hands came up in denial. "No," she said with a soft laugh. "I ahm… I'm really tired, Miranda. We just planned for a quiet night in to let our inner introverts recover." Searching eyes met hers. "But… I wouldn't mind if you stay for that. I know that you guys are probably going to be leaving soon. And that you will probably have to be on the Normandy from now on. This might… be all we have."
The silent plea was there and Miranda, aching, accepted it with a slight nod.
I'll stay.
Robert Murdoch was looking at his notes, but not at those he had been taking all day. Instead, feeling a little guilty and knowing that it would lead nowhere, he was reading Helena's hospital file again. He studied all that they were allowed to know of her shoulder and the brief supplemental notes Karin had snuck out to him about the surgeries that she had undergone. Her recovery had been nothing short of a miracle, a testament to the technology that Cerberus hid from the rest of the world. The thought made him angry when he remembered all the patients that he had had to help recover from physical injuries. If the company simply shared… The bell chimed before his door opened, bringing more light into the room.
Kelly was standing in the doorway, her silhouette framed by the brighter light in the hallway. It was hard for him to see, but it appeared as if she had something in her hands. He stood up instinctively, pushing his notes away.
"Hey," the yeoman greeted him, her voice filled with its usual cheer. "They're in the process of cleaning up the kitchen. I thought I'd save you some before it goes to waste disposal."
Some? Robert thought a little confused and studied the object in her hands. Oh. Food. Of course. Nourishment.
He smiled and glanced at his watch – noting the hour. "Thank you so much, Kelly," he said and went over to her, taking the tray immediately. "I got distracted. Nasty habit of mine." He glanced at his watch and frowned a little. "Though it is not that late…"
Kelly shrugged, leaning against the doorway in a lingering fashion. "The… VI takes note of who has eaten," she pointed out. "Logs it so that the kitchen staff knows when to start cleaning." She looked a little embarrassed. "Most people eat early… But I figured that you probably had a long day."
And they didn't think it necessary to wait for me, Robert mused. He had met the 'kitchen staff' – a singular man named Gardner. Horribly scarred from his encounter on the collector's base, he had been very brash in their session earlier in the day. Absolutely devout to Cerberus, Robert had realised that the cook might be one of the individuals that he might need Kelly's assistance with.
"You're a lifesaver," Robert said and motioned to the couch, taking note of the way the woman still lingered. "Besides, I'm not the one who was on her feet for the whole day, hunched in front of some monitor. I… still need to understand what you do during your shifts, to be honest."
Kelly smiled casually and moved over to the couch, as Robert had suspected, she seemed to want some conversation.
"Oh, various things," she pointed out. "As you probably know, we received the directive that we'll be leaving Nos Astra in two days. So… I sent you that message. And I'm communicating with the dock officials to let them know what our departure time will be. It's all… very administrative. Checking that all our paperwork is in order, making sure the crew know what will be expected of them. And, I keep an eye on any news that might affect our journey."
Robert tried to keep his face straight as he nodded, but a part of him felt like an excited little boy by the prospect. They were going to start travelling the universe again and, even if it was only to the Citadel and possibly back, it was going to give him a taste of what life on this ship would be like if they weren't connected to land and a place where his patients could flee to. He put the tray down and motioned to the bar. "Why don't I pour you something?" He offered. "I have a mean hand with a cappuccino." At Kelly's delighted smile he proceeded to the counter to prove his barista skills. Being in the bar had become quite a blessing as offering people something to drink was always a good ice breaker. They had removed most of the alcohol to make it available to all during their leisure time, but Robert had acquired a few of his own additions to the stock as well.
He felt Kelly's eyes on him as he worked with her probing blue gaze that saw and remembered every small detail they encountered. Working with her, he had begun to realise that she was very good at reading people, possibly calling on a vast reference of interactions that she had had throughout her life. Today her gaze was heavier than usual, as if she was looking for something.
Possibly some courage.
She only spoke again when he finished with the cup and handed her the beverage, taking his own seat opposite of her and not bothering with the food immediately.
"So," Kelly dared. "You met Rinn today."
He nodded slowly, not really surprised by the topic that had also taken up most of his own mental space of the day. "I did," he said, trying to keep his voice light. "I'll admit that it was most unexpected." For me and Miranda Lawson both. "I didn't imagine seeing her here on the Normandy. But, I guess it makes sense considering the extra security that I saw today."
Kelly gave a half shrug and sipped her drink. "The security is there to check staff as they come in, help them. And yes, it's standard procedure when we have… guests to make sure that there are more around. Considering…" She trailed off. "You'll really start seeing the activity increase tomorrow. You did receive my notice that we're leaving soon?" She waited for his nod before she continued. "It didn't really have anything to do with Rinn per se. They were here to meet the commander, as I understand it."
Robert nodded, taking a sip of his own drink as he studied the yeoman. "I have a question for you," he said finally. "Seeing as how you brought up the subject." He dropped his voice to make it less direct, to make the question gentler. "What do you see when you look at Rinn?"
The question surprised Kelly and he saw her shift, looking away from him immediately. "I…" He could tell that she didn't like her own answer. "I try to see the person."
So, what do you see to have to try?
"Which is very difficult," Robert stated quietly, surprised when Kelly shook her head sadly.
"Not really," she said into her cup, still not looking at him. "Not for me. I… dealt with her a lot or… talked to her more, before everything went south. I try to hold onto that first impression."
Somehow, the statement did not surprise Robert – who had come to realise that Kelly was incredibly empathetic. Still, he felt his respect for her grow a little.
"It takes a great deal of compassion to be able to make that distinction after everything," he pointed out to her quietly. "You interacted with both… aspects to some extent." Robert still didn't understand what had happened to Rinn, feeling even more confused now that he had seen her in real life. He could not imagine that the insecure woman he had met would be capable of the violence that he had seen on the videos. He still wondered whether she had had some sort of personality disorder, but until he assessed her it would be very hard to diagnose.
Kelly ran a hand through her hair and shrugged. "The hybrid never focused on me directly," she pointed out. "Chakwas was the only one from the crew…" She trailed off and shook her head. "She couldn't be bothered by anybody else. But I was next to Helena when we were in the pods. I heard… all of it. I tried not to listen, but…" She sighed and again, Robert was morbidly overcome by curiosity. The pods? What did the hybrid say to Helena there? "What I mean to say was that, yes," Kelly continued. "I saw what the hybrid did. I heard her torture her friend. But I spoke to Rinn before that, Robert. I saw her scared and insecure and trying to deal with a terrible ordeal. That they survived that mine was a miracle. And she was scared. They were both scared and broken when they came here. There is no telling what they had done to survive when over a hundred people did not." Kelly shook her head. "I can't forget that…" She trailed off, chuckling bitterly suddenly. "I can't forget anything anyway."
Hyperthymesia, Robert thought, having seen it in Kelly's file. He looked at his drink so that he didn't look at her directly. "The crew mostly remember the hybrid," he said. "Their accounts are vicious and cruel – everything is tinged with malice. And, what little footage there is of what woke up from the medbay, certainly reflects that."
Kelly's reply was quick and almost a little sharp. "They have lost perspective," she said with a frankness that surprised him. "Yes, the hybrid was terrible. But not to any of us. Look at Karin, if she can still speak kindly of Rinn – none of us have any reason to do otherwise. I think Rinn has become the face of this evil. But, the hybrid couldn't have been bothered by the rest of us. And they got us out." She sniffed and fidgeted with her omnitool, putting her cup down. Robert tried very hard not to smile at her display of abrupt loyalty. "There is some footage from the mine," Kelly continued. "I'm not sure if it was shared with you, but it's not a secret. When the base that they were in was shutting down, Rinn and Helena had to make their way out. Rinn was already injured, slowing them down. Helena had to half support her just to keep her upright, this was before Helena got injured. When they were at the top level, within running distance of the wall, Helena had a chance to run – to get out – but couldn't because of her friend. And then Rinn… Rinn told her to go. She told her to run and save herself. Helena didn't do it of course, but Rinn tried to get her out. I can't forget that image. I can't forget that they both worked hard at getting us out of those pods." Her eyes met his rather fiercely. "It is something you have to keep in mind as well."
He nodded quietly, waiting as she calmed down a little. Kelly seemed to come back to herself a little and shifted, a little embarrassed.
"And she ahm… humoured my crew assessment that I did. She actually bothered filling in the form, something I had to threaten half of the crew to do before they got on board." She snorted. "Joker still hasn't done it. So, I have to give her credit for that as well." She seemed to be losing her momentum and Robert didn't want to see it flow out.
"What about that image in the mine made it stick with you?" He asked. "Some might argue that it is a practical, if brutal call?" And why didn't Helena take it? He made a mental note to ask the woman if he ever got the chance.
Kelly mused over this a little. "She said that it was logical," she pointed out quietly. "I told her it was brave. Just… that whole image, I guess. The resolve they both showed. I guess you have to give credit to Helena as well. She might have made it and I think she knew it. They both did. Still do. It was… like this cloud between them when they were in the infirmary. Especially because Helena only got injured afterwards. I guess Rinn felt that it might have been avoided… that all of this might have been avoided if her friend had simply let her go then." She trailed off, frowning. "I wonder if she holds it against Helena."
For just a moment, Robert put himself on the other side of such a deed. "I would have," he said honestly. "If I were Rinn." He had another thought. "I wonder if Helena holds it against herself. She must think of how things would have been different if she had simply left."
Kelly's frown was uncomfortable. "A lot could have been avoided," she said quietly. "But… you know – standing on the other side, would you have left your friend to die? I don't think I would have." Her features became a little bit guiltier. "I mean… I think I would have run honestly. Faced with what they were, I would have just run… But I would have hated myself for it forever."
In Robert's mind, he reversed the places, putting himself in Helena's shoes then stopped himself. "You know," he told Kelly. "I don't think one can say until you're in that moment. Every situation is different. You just can't say. I personally find myself grateful that I haven't had to make such horrible decisions. To be in either of their shoes."
Kelly nodded slowly, studying him. "Would you like to see the footage?" She queried. "It's in my file and I'm sure…" She trailed off. "I'm sure it can add some value. If ever you get to speak to them." He got the impression that that wasn't what she had wanted to say and he could guess at what had originally almost passed over her lips.
I'm sure it will be fine with Miranda.
"I would like to," Robert said carefully. "Please. Let's go to my desk, you can play it through my monitor." Kelly nodded, following him there. He gave her the chair then stood behind her so that she could not see his expression. Kelly fussed with the equipment a little, then brought up the grainy footage. Robert mentally braced himself for any possible horror that he would see.
"It's just a short clip," Kelly said in front of him. "It was hard to retrieve the mine's data. Quite a lot of it had been corrupted. And… to control the husks, we blew up the mine. Or rather, the commander did. They wanted to destroy the artefact. While they were busy setting the charges, EDI… Our VI… We managed to hack the base's system. It allowed us to see that there were still people alive. Katelyn and Miranda went out and found them locked up in a storage room. Filled with husks. By that time, Helena's back had been torn to shreds. Rinn was barely able to stand. And they were… wild. I remember when they brought Rinn in. She looked at me briefly and you could see it. Here…"
She started the vid and for a few seconds, Robert found himself staring at a dreary, strangely lid hallway. He saw an elevator open, two women exit. There was no sound, but he had voices to put to both of them now and he could see what they were shouting. He suspected that it was a fight that started in the elevator, shortly after a blond haired woman had bolted out of it. Rinn didn't look happy and at some point when Helena stepped forward to grab her, Robert almost thought that she might hit her friend. Helena clearly saw it too because she took a step back, seemed to brace herself and then casually leaned against the wall. The focus in her eyes made him smile, he couldn't help it.
"I'm not leaving you."
Helena had said it so slowly and clearly that Robert could read her lips. Moments passed, seconds that must have felt like eons to them. Finally Rinn broke, bowed over, shouted something obscene, and then lunged at her friend, dragging them forward and out of view. The video went dark, but Kelly didn't turn around immediately. Neither of them spoke as they processed.
"It tells you everything you need to know about them really," she spoke softly. "In that moment." She met his gaze as he stepped back and nodded.
"That it does," he said quietly and thought about loyalty and bravery. And, he wondered what they felt every day as they faced each other. How do you bear it? He looked at Kelly again and inclined his head towards the couch. She got up and moved back there, taking a sip from her coffee as she did so. He suspected that it might have been cold already.
"Did you get anything of value from the crew assessment form that Rinn filled in?"
Kelly considered this and shrugged, a little uncertain. "Remedial stuff," she pointed out. "Proficiencies, personality type, a hint at stressors. Ideally I would actually like to do it again to see how the hybrid has affected her. But, there's no chance on that. I think Rinn is pretty much off limits now to everybody but the commander and Miranda."
Robert nodded and reached for his own coffee. "Did Helena do the test?" He was surprised by Kelly's quick smile.
"Oh no," she said. "Rinn gave her a head's up and she did not fall for it. She was a lot more hostile and… Doctor? She's off limits too. Just… through association."
Robert made sure that his smile was pleasant enough. "Oh, I got that memo too," he said. "Don't worry." He sat back and mused on it all for a bit. "I found Rinn surprisingly easy to read." He met her gaze again. "She was scared today. Scared to be where she was. To be with whom she was. She kept looking around as if she was expecting someone to jump out and attack them." The yeoman shifted uncomfortably.
"I didn't notice," she pointed out embarrassed. "What else did you see?"
Robert closed his hands around his drink and thought about it for a moment, that few seconds that he had had to interact with the hybrid.
"I saw a person terrified of herself." And, someone…Familiar. A familiar face. A person who resonated. Robert had felt… something when he had seen the hybrid for the first time. But now, having met her up close? The connection was uncanny.
"I would like to sit down with her," he continued. "With both of them, to be honest." He smiled when he saw Kelly's features change. "Not that I'm going to have that opportunity, you don't have to tell me. But, I would have appreciated such an opportunity."
Kelly nodded with a frankness that surprised him. "I think they both need it. This crew hasn't gone through half of what they did and we had to bring you in…" she trailed off. "Maybe we can set it up… it might be easier than we think… It can be justified…" Robert could tell that Kelly was simply trying to make him feel better. Or perhaps herself.
"It's okay, Kelly," he said quietly. "I came here… knowing that I won't be able to save Helena. Not yet. Maybe one day." He smiled at her. "If you want to try, you are more than welcome. I'll play along with anything you have in mind. But I know what boundaries were set for me. I don't always understand them, but I do respect them. I was assigned to Helena at Huerta – did you know that?" He could tell that she did immediately as she nodded a little embarrassed.
"Dr Chakwas told me," she said. "I guess… In all fairness, to ease your mind a little. You wouldn't have gotten much out of her in hospital anyway. She blocked me and I think she was partially responsible for Rinn also politely giving me the cold shoulder. She holds her secrets very close, that one."
It's now always about letting people tell you all their secrets, is it? Sometimes it's just being able to be there for them. Robert wondered whether it was the Cerberus indoctrination in Kelly that possibly had her lose sight of that. The idea that everything people thought had to be shared. That they were parts in a machine that could simply be replaced when they became inefficient.
He nodded to her. "I suppose not. How did you get on with Helena?"
Kelly's brief headshake gave him all the answers he needed and he added a little bit more to the puzzle piece he had in his mind, of the recreation that he was making of the young red haired woman. He could imagine that, if she was truly private and used to putting up a front that someone like Kelly, who was naturally inquisitive and perhaps a little bit prying at times, would not have worked well with her.
"I think she's very resolute," Kelly said. "I think she is used to fighting. Expects to fight." She gave him a wry smile. "I think you would have liked her in that. She didn't like the fact that they were on a Cerberus vessel either and she called the commander out on that. Her words were 'you can't train a devil to fight a devil.'"
Robert couldn't stop the silent whistle from his lips and as he expected, Kelly grimaced and shared a wince with him.
"Their relationship didn't bloom from there, I can tell you that much. Helena is protective of Rinn. It looked different today, but normally – you have to get through her to get to the hybrid. I think in a lot of ways it has gotten worse since they went to Illium. I'm worried that it would be destructive to both of them."
Wondering who else looked at the situation like she did, Robert wondered how much further he could push the subject. Kelly was relaxed, almost… jittery with her need to speak. She must have thought of a million things a day, standing in front of her console, cataloguing. With her incredible memory and her empathy came the ability to make connections that no one else could. He could see her value as she sat there, but also her weaknesses. And, although she didn't understand it, he was beginning to wonder if she was aware of how dangerous her being here was. He didn't need the subtle warnings or Miranda's looks to tell him that the two ex-refugees were off limits. But, people were aching to talk about them. Even Karin.
Running a finger over the edge of his cup, he tried to act casual. "It's a strange pair," he pointed out. "Of the two, Helena seemed as if she was being controlled." Miranda blocking him in the hospital. Rinn blocking her from view. Her name, mentioned only by a few of the crew members – usually with reverence and caution.
The one who got us out. The one we're not supposed to talk about.
It was hard to imagine that the woman he had seen cowering in the infirmary footage and strapped to a bed in Huerta was capable of such things.
It was hard to imagine that Rinn was capable of the tyranny everybody spoke of.
He watched as Kelly hesitated a little, becoming aware suddenly of the territory the subject had ventured into. She rubbed her nose and looked away from him, choosing her words carefully, something she hadn't really been doing till now. She only started when we started bringing Helena into the conversation.
"She… had a tough time in the pods," Kelly said softly. "She was very ill. More… aware of dying than the rest of us, probably because she had just come from the mine. I mean… Imagine, being in two such situations so close to each other? I can't even deal with one." She sniffed and took a steadying breath. "The husk was hard on her. Harder than… it was brutal. I think she just appears… fragile because like the rest of us, she might simply be trying very hard to get through her day – pretending that everything is alright. Rinn is very protective of her and Miranda… well… She's gotten involved to."
Robert made a murmuring sound as he nodded his head slightly. "That is certainly clear," he mused. Crossed the line between patient and physician there, Dr Lawson?
Kelly continued quickly, still talking as his food grew cold between them. "I don't think the relationship is healthy, as it is. But it is what keeps them going. And I'm not clever enough to propose an alternative. They won't leave each other's side. They can't come to the Normandy. And, the Nos Astra solution was there."
Not quite sure what the Nos Astra solution was entirely, Robert decided not to risk asking too many details. "Why do you think they didn't leave when they got there?" He asked. "Returned to… wherever they needed to go? Or came from? Or want to go?" He suspected he knew the answer and Kelly confirmed it.
"Rinn knows she's dangerous," she said quietly. "And I got the feeling that they didn't have anywhere else to go."
He nodded to this, felt saddened by it. A lot of people were in situations that were unhealthy to them simply because they could not find the means to escape it.
"What is wrong with their relationship you think?" he asked quietly.
Thinking a little, Kelly spread her hand out a little. "They are too dependent on each other. They shouldn't feel so responsible for each other's well being." She grimaced and gave him a pleading look. "It's just a feeling, Dr Murdoch. I haven't spoken to them a lot since they left the Normandy. But I know what's going on."
Putting his cup down, Robert folded his hands in his lap, vaguely thinking that this had become a session suddenly. "Do you ever feel like you want to talk to them?" he asked. "About what happened and such?"
Kelly took note of his body language and hesitated a little. Finally, she nodded, becoming a little bit more sombre. "I guess, yes," she said quietly. "In a way. I want to understand what happened. Helena got me out. I feel sometimes as if I owe her more than a thank you. I did thank her with words that felt so inadequate at the time and… she just brushed it off. I want to give them… a little bit more to hold onto than each other." She shrugged and looked embarrassed. "But, I can only give what they allow. But yes, I guess mainly I just want to understand what happened." Her gaze became a little bit more pensive. "I think we all need to talk about it more, to be honest. We just can't keep on working, pretending that nothing happened."
Which is why I am here.
"I think that is a valid desire," Robert said quietly. "I think one that many share. You're not alone in this, Kelly."
She didn't look as if she believed him. Nobody on this ship did at the moment. She looked around the room, then noticed his food. Discomfort coloured her cheeks as she shifted.
"You're food has gone cold." She pointed out.
He pretended to notice for the first time. "And so it has!" he exclaimed. "Have you had anything to eat? Want to share after I go and heat it?"
She shook her head immediately. "I should get going," she pointed out and got up. "Tomorrow's going to be a busy day." She paused for a moment. "You shouldn't have indulged me. You need time to rest as well."
Robert stood with her, but he didn't entirely want her to leave as if she was fleeing. "No, I appreciate it, Kelly," he said hastily. "You've given me a much to consider and let me see what I otherwise wouldn't have. Thank you." He didn't miss the brief look of sadness in Kelly's gaze but, true to form, she had a smile ready for him.
"Glad I could have been of some service," she pointed out as that old insecurity of her shone through a little. Robert made sure to meet her eyes as he replied.
"You are invaluable," he spoke softly. "Don't doubt it, Kelly."
So much doubt on one ship. No wonder she wants to understand what happened. I want to understand what happened to throw everybody so off balance.
She nodded at him and began to leave the room when he had a thought.
"Kelly," he called out when she was almost at the door. "How good are you at writing letters?"
The question clearly took her by surprise.
"I ah… Good?" She gave him a questioning look. "My sister and I write a lot."
Fantastic, Robert thought. Now I know you have a sister as well.
"I have a job for you," he said. "Homework, if you will, that doesn't have a particular deadline, but which I would like to see the first part of it at least." He gave her an encouraging look. "I want you to write a letter to Helena and Rinn – to either, to each, whatever feels right to you. Ask those questions you have, say the things you need to say." He made sure to hold her gaze, willing her to listen to him. "That's the first part. Making it real by writing it down."
He suspected that the moment became too intense for Kelly for a moment because she looked down, trying to hide the myriad of emotions that filtered through her. He was worried for just a split second that he might have lost her, but then she looked up and there was a smile on her face. Relieved. Sheepish.
And accepting.
"Of course," she said. "I can do that."
Robert smiled at her and played his next card. "And then, when you're done with that," he pushed on and watched as she raised her brow at him. "While you're terribly nosy colleague-slash-shrink would obviously want to peruse your work of literature, I think you should consider sending it off to those who have parts of the answers you don't have. Because you're right, we can only do what we're allowed." He made sure to keep her gaze. "So, provide them with the opportunity to answer. They can't, if you don't ask. They are just as isolated, more so, than we are."
He felt Kelly weighing him and considering the possible consequences of what such an action might have. Then she smiled and nodded at him.
"I'll do that."
He could tell that she meant it.
Smiling, hungry, but feeling as if the evening had been worth it, Robert reached out for his plate, giving her the opportunity to flee. "Good," he said. "You don't have to share your letters with me, but keep me in the loop, Kelly. I want to know how you are doing." He grinned at her, trying to break the ice. "And you can bring me food anytime. I really appreciate it."
She studied him for a moment as he made to settle with his meal and he felt, more than saw her smile.
"Of course, good night, Robert." She didn't complicate matters anymore by lingering and left the room, leaving him to think about all she said. He didn't eat immediately, but went to his notes and wrote down all that he could. All the questions, all the answers.
Everything that he had heard about both Helena and Rinn.
Finally, feeling spent but satisfied – he returned to his meal – a little disappointed that it wasn't warm anymore. Cold seafood never went down well.
"Computer," he spoke in a moment of mischief. "Any suggestions on how to heat this?"
He didn't expect the VI to answer and was therefore very surprised by her comeback.
"With the copious amount of alcohol present in the room, Dr Muroch," EDI said. "I am sure you can start a fire."
