Naruto; What If
Eighth Arc; Turmoil
My standard form of writing applies.
" " - Spoken
' ' - Thought
"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.
( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.
~~Badadumdunbum~~
Chapter 54 - Stressed to the Limit
~~Badadumdunbum~~
If liberals don't want us to treat every Muslim like a terrorist, why do they treat every gun owner like the Newtown shooter?
~~Badadumdunbum~~
"Heh, told you that would work."
"No you didn't, you said it would get us all killed!"
"I was just playing devil's advocate."
"Badger, you're a lying bastard."
"Me? You said you could take that guy!"
"What? I told you to help me take that guy!"
"Will you two cut the chatter? I swear, y'all keep saying that women argue a lot, but goddamn. I have to listen to you two bitching like a married couple all the time."
"Hah! You're the one whose big mouth got us caught the last time, Fox."
"Yeah, but every other time, it's one of you two."
Rolling my eyes with a sigh, I finally got fed up with listening to my squadmates bickering. "Will all three of you shut up? You're talking loud enough to wake the Godaime from here. If you don't quiet down, I'll have to save all your asses. Again," I hissed, shifting my position against the tree I'd been leaning against.
All three of them turned to glance at one another before looking back at me as Sparrow remarked, "Pretty confident in yourself, new guy."
Fox nodded as she threw in, "Yeah, your first mission with Anbu and you're giving orders?"
"Why don't you just sit back and watch while we show you how it's-" Just then, a dozen rogue ninjas dropped down on us from the trees, surrounding us completely. Perfectly timed to interrupt Badger, too. "Ah, shit!"
I sighed melodramatically, rolling my eyes as I turned to give my team a withering glare. "Jesus, Mary and Joseph Stalin, I can't take you people anywhere."
Three seconds of slaughtering later
"See? What'd I tell you. We showed you how it's done."
Flicking the fresh blood from my new sword,(Ninjato, it's called. A bit light, for my tastes. Feels like I'll break the damn thing if I hit something too hard with it) I snarked, "Yeah, you sure showed me how to cower and run. I could really learn a thing or two from you, my fickle friend."
The other two agents began snickering as Fox draped her arm over the short, boisterous Badger. "Heheh, he's got you pegged, Badge'."
Of course, the shorter Anbu shot right back with, "Nah, but he'll have you 'pegged' the moment we get back, won't he?"
I didn't need a Sharingan to tell that she was blushing bright red, and not just from embarassment. "Wha-! Why you little bastard!"
And just like that, they began tumbling on the ground in a spat of wrestling, both of them alternatively growling and cackling in the darkness as they rolled out of sight. Shaking my head, I pulsed my chakra outwards once more, risking detection to find out whether or not we missed anyone. Nope. Area's clear out to three hundred yards. I kicked one of the dead shinobi out of my spot, sitting back down at the base of a grand oak.
We'll be here for at least another hour, and that's if the other team is early. Though I'm starting to worry that they might run into the same, if not more resistance than we-
!
I ducked, dodging a kunai that came out of nowhere!
'Did I miss one?! How? Where is- Oh.' It wasn't a kunai that I dodged; it was an armguard. One of the ones we Anbu wear, to be precise. Pulling it from its indentation in the tree, I looked to where it came from and saw nothing but more bodies(None of them ours, thankfully) and a small pile of clothes.
Anbu clothes. Great.
Sparrow dropped down next to me, taking a seat. "Sorry, those two tend to get a little rough after a good fight."
Uh-huh. "Do they always fuck right over the bodies of dead enemies?"
He shook his head. "No, not always, but it happens. Nothing to worry about, as anyone who gets close will wind up dead, anyway. They tend to frown on peeping toms."
"Right. Just another day, then."
The older man shrugged.(And by older, I mean mid-to-late twenties) "Pretty much."
I found myself sighing once more. Yeah, this team is gonna piss me off more than my old one ever did. Sakura may have been annoying, but at least she and Naruto didn't go off and fuck every single chance that they-
Wait.
Aw, shit. This must be how Pinky and Orange-kun felt when Anko came along with us to Yuki no Kuni. Well I'll be damned, no wonder they were annoyed. Guess I better get used to this, having these startling revelations of introspect whenever I'm on my own. Never thought I'd say this, but I kinda miss having Sakura and Kakashi around.
Their antics were amusing, or at least their reactions to Naruto's and mine were. It's been, what, almost three years since the four of us went on a mission together. And bastard or not, I still owe Sensei a great deal for all that he taught me.
Although on the other hand, I still feel like I aught to throttle him a bit more, just for good measure.
Why would you miss those weaklings? All they ever did was hold you back!
Wha-! What the hell?! Who the flaming fuck are you?
Who else would I be? I'm YOU!
Uh-huh. Yeah, and I'm the King of Konoha. Explain yourself, and how you're in my goddamn head.
Oh? You haven't figured it out yet? Hah hah hah hah hah... All in good time, Sasuke.
. . .
Great, the fucker's gone. Sweet Kami, now I know I've gone insane. Here I am, talking to myself. And answering myself, even. Shit, I think I aught to hit up Inoichi when I get back. That, or at least hit the bar. I need a drink.
"Oh, Kami! Yes, yes, YES YESYESYESSSSS! AHHHN!"
*Sigh*
Or several.
~~Badadumdunbum~~
"Hey, Sasuke!" Naruto greeted as he barged straight into my house, grinning widely. It was a look that suited him; he was a man at the top of his game, and he knew it. That, or he just got laid again. Either or. Once again, I mentally chided myself for not installing a better lock on my front door, as well as chakra-blocking seals. "How was your mission?"
In response, I merely shrugged and grunted, "Hn," Before taking another swig of my sake.
Not discouraged in the least, he came over and sat down across from me as he replied, "That bad, huh? Yeah, must've been to keep you out of the village for half a month. Anyone interesting on your new team?"
I blinked owlishly, thinking back. "Yeah, a tsundere and a couple of comedians."
The blonde blinked twice before he cocked his head to the side, looking somewhat puzzled. "Huh. Sounds a lot like we used to be a couple years ago." You know, now that he mentions it...
I shook the thought from my mind. No sense in reminiscing about that right now. "You could say that. So what's brought you all the way here? I know you didn't drop by just to ask about the Anbu."
"Man, you always were a sharp one. I just wanted to ask what was going on with you and Kurotsuchi." Hm?
How the hell did he find out about that? Ack, fucking Itachi must've figured it out. Damnit. "Kurotsuchi?" I asked, carefully keeping my expression neutral.
He gave me a blank stare. "Are you going out with her, planning to, or was it just a one-nighter?"
Great. "It was a fling. So what?"
Damn. He's gotten better at hiding his thoughts, and I doubt I can use my Sharingan without him noticing. Anyway, Naruto just shook his head. "I just thought you were the one who said Love 'em and leave 'em just isn't my style, is all." Fuck me. "So what about Anko?"
Hmph. So that's why he's here. Doubt she would've asked for his help, so someone else probably put him up to it. Nah, he's just that much of a dork. Is it just me, or does everyone think they always know what's best for Sasuke? "What about her?"
Aha! The blonde flinched at my tone, shaking his head once more. "C'mon man, she's been a complete wreck ever since. Give her some closure, at least." Closure? Fuck that, she can hang.
Wait.
Has she really been that bad off without me? Yeah, right. No way. You gotta be kidding me, she ran off when I'd been gone a few months. Hell, she pretty much had me with her nearly the entire two years!
But what about her strange increase in the number of clones she consumed? What about her odd behavior? You don't think there's anything strange about that? A small voice inside me pointed out, the voice of logic.
Fuck you, logic. Let me sulk.
No, fuck your whiskey-soaked sulking, now you listen to me. Somethign isn't right, something had to have changed between the first and fifth month of your trip with Jiraiya. Find out what it is, and you'll-
Suddenly, the sound of someone working the front door caught my attention, interrupting the pesky voice of reason.
Hey, wait! I'm not finished!
Shut up. Anyway, the door opened to reveal-
Oh, son of a Protestant whore!
It was Anko, wearing her usual attire, although her eyes lacked their usual hint of mischief and enthusiasm. Her hair was a bit mussy, as though she's taken hardly any time to take care of it, and she had a very slight slouch, though it'd be difficult for most people to notice. She stopped dead in the doorway, blinking dumbly as she openly stared at me, while I found myself dumbly staring at her in return.(Like dumbasses in headlights)
. . .
In that moment of shock, Naruto grinned widely as he jumped up and approached, practically dragging her inside and to a nearby chair. "Heh-hey, look who's here! Well you two have a lot to talk about, so I'm going to head on home to my very patient, loving, and beautiful girlfriend Hinata. We're going to fuck like rabbits, eat ramen and cinnamon buns, take a walk under the moonlight and then have sex again, so I won't be seeing either of you until tomorrow afternoon at the earliest. And Kin is off on a mission for the week, so you two have all the time in the world. See you!"
My eye twitched involuntarily. "I hate you. So much." He must be behind this, the sly bastard.
"Heheh, right back 'atcha, buddy. Play nice!" The blonde punk called as he practically skipped out the door, leaving me with the one person I couldn't stand to be anywhere near.(Just her proximity started up that burning in my chest, the feeling of my heart being squeezed in a vice made of molten steel)
Fuck. Me. Sideways. I am going to kill him one of these days, I swear it.
Why not just kill HER instead? Solve two problems with one slice.
"Ugh-!" That voice came back, quickly followed by a stab of pain that shot through my head like an ice-cold knife that turned everything the same shade of crimson that we shinobi are so very familiar with.
"Sasuke? Are you okay, what's wrong?" Anko was at my side instantly, an obvious look of concern in her strikingly beautiful features. She was near enough that I could smell the kiwi-scented shampoo she still uses, even close enough for me to feel her familiar body heat.
Noticing that, I thought, 'Kami, I still mi-'
It's not real! One clean cut... That's all it would take.
[Cue Music: What do I have to do, by Stabbing Westward. Surprisingly good song, seriously]
"Shut up!" I growled, more to that- That thing that keeps rattling around in my head than her. This was the fourth time this week; it's grown a lot more talkative since that first mission with Anbu. "I don't need your help, and I don't need this." I stood, shoving the chair out of my way as I stalked towards the door, intent on ripping Naruto a new one on my way to Tsunade's office. I need to kill something ugly before I snap. That won't end pretty, for the walls, ceiling, the unfortuate slob or anyone else in the general vicinity at the time.
Strangely enough, I got no more then two feet before I felt her arms wrap themselves around me. "Please, wait!" Wha-?
I could feet it, the warm moisture that soaked through the upper back of my shirt; tears. "Please, just... Just tell me, what do I have to do? What can I do to earn your forgiveness?" Ngh! Ugh, just- Just having her this close has made the pain double in intensity. Why does it hurt so much? Why does she see fit to torture me?!
And such desperation, all over someone she abandoned? What kind of bloody hypocrisy is this? "Nothing." I've had more than enough. Naruto says she needs closure, I'll give her some fucking closure.
"W-wha?"
I turned, feeling my bloodline activating of its own accord. "I will never forgive you for the way you've hurt me. I already have someone, so fuck off and let it go. Either find somebody else or kill yourself. I don't give a damn anymore."
Good... Very-
SHUT UP!
And with that I left, a single shunshin getting me enough space to start trying to work off this anger, this searing urge to murder something. The trees of the training field weren't solid enough, and the clones didn't bleed enough. Tch, need someone with more substance.
You should have just killed her, coward.
Fuck off and die. No one asked for your opinion, so giving it.
Deciding not to be left out, that itty-bitty voice of logic then said, You sir, are a complete. Fucking. IDIOT!
Shut up logic, before I grab a bottle of absinthe and start chugging. Why can't you people just leave me the hell alone, huh? Does the emo haircut just scream 'I need help! I cut my wrists!' or some other happy horseshit?
~~Badadumdunbum~~
In Tsunade's office
"Naruto, for the last time, you are an idiot. Just couldn't leave well enough alone, could you? Had to go and try to fix something you knew nothing about."
The blonde boy sighed, hanging his head. "Yeah, I know. Least they won't dance around each other any more."
As he stared at his feet, the Hokage shook her head, pinching the bridge of her nose. "No, but he's probably going to kill the next person who gets too close to him, and I don't have the luxury of a dangerous mission to send him out on to cool off. This is going to end badly for somebody, one way or another."
And you know the worst part of that statement?
She's completely, utterly correct.
~~Badadumbundum~~
Yeah yeah, I know, shitty chapter. Wait for the next one, that's where the action is.
There's a very sweet reference to the Lord of the Land of Fire's most recent addition to one of his best fics, "Why Kakashi Should Never Read Out Loud." I read that and laughed my ass off, then decided to make it my own, you could say. Or you might say I just ripped him off because I can't ever come up with anything original. (I was working on something that I found could be tweaked to make it fit, and being the bastard that I am, decided to include the reference)
Either way, go read his stuff. The guy's a comedic genius, him and Mistress Winowyl both. HIGHLY Recommended.
Red vs Blue, Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, Bulletstorm and a few other thing were referenced in here somewhere, but I'm too lazy to go back and search for them. So DON'T sue me.
(Shameless self-promotion to follow)
Also, I ask that anyone here who enjoys Resident Evil, or anyone who enjoys my crude, offensive humor and outright hilarious situations would take a look at my under-appreciated story, Resident Evil REwritten.
Because the first incarnation of said story sucked,(First fic ever) and I was unable to come up with a more catchy name,(No snide comment for that) it hasn't gotten as much exposure as it should.
Seriously. It's now even better than this story, I'll have you know. I'd say it's on-par or better than Soldier Testament, at least in writing quality.
The reason I'm adding this is because I've put a fuckton of work into the REwrite and yet it's not really getting much attention. For fuck's sake, it's awesome! I wouldn't try to get y'all to read something bad, now would I?(The phrase, "A smiling cat" comes to mind)
Even non-RE fans will enjoy the humor, while long-time gamers will laugh till they cry at the FUBAR situations and throwbacks.
~~Badadumdunbum~~
