Chapter 50
A/N: Writing this chapter broke my heart.
Flashback
Jack shook his head as he tried to wake from his deep sleep, the sound of cries stirring him. Shifting to a sitting position, Kate was sound asleep next to him, Adam sleeping soundly in his bassinet beside them. That left Aaron as the source of the cries. Immediately worried, Jack stood, adjusting his boxers as he moved quickly down the hall to his son's room.
Entering the child's room, the little boy was sitting up in bed, visibly shaken from a bad dream. Jack moved to the child, scooping him into his arms. Aaron latched on, rubbing his tear-stained face into Jack's neck. Rubbing his pajama-clad back, Jack perched on the little bed, holding Aaron tightly in his arms.
"What's the matter kiddo?" Jack asked softly, holding Aaron secure and continuously rubbing his back, making him aware he was safe now. Aaron sniffled against him and snuggled deeper, if possible, into Jack's bare chest.
"I had a weird dream," he responded. Jack nodded, encouraging the little boy to keep talking.
"Oh, yeah? About what?" He asked as Aaron began to calm.
"I dunno," the little boy stated, his voice so small against Jack it gave him a chill. Aaron had had a few bad dreams in his life, but he rarely woke crying. He's usually make his way to their room and climb into bed with them, stating he'd had a bad dream, and he'd fall right back to sleep. Jack and Kate always felt Aaron was mature for his little age of three years, his word usage and speaking making him stand out amongst children his own age. Jack attributed it to Kate being with him all the time, spending all her time teaching him, helping him grow. Kate, however, just commented selflessly that he was just a smart boy. Jack believed otherwise though.
"You don't know, huh? Tell me about it. You'll feel better if you do," Jack encouraged. Aaron was silent for a few moments and Jack wondered if he wasn't going to. He had calmed now, and was just lightly sniffling. He began speaking softly, and Jack had to struggle to hear him. His voice almost sounded worried, if that was possible for such a young child.
"I had a dream that I had another mommy," he started and Jack's brow furrowed, wondering where this would go. He knew nothing of Claire, not her name or her face, but that statement brought instant anxiety to Jack.
"What do you mean?" Jack asked curiously, pressing the child slightly.
"Like, there was this woman, and she kept saying I was her baby. And it wasn't Mommy," Aaron leaned back from Jack, his face contorted in confusion, his eyes red from crying. He stared at his little hands as he began talking again, Jack waiting patiently. "She had blonde hair, like mine. And she was holding my hand, saying she was my mommy. But I kept saying she wasn't, that I had a different mommy. But she wouldn't listen to me, and was trying to take me away." Jack watched as Aaron welled up again, clearly concerned for his life, laying back against Jack's chest. Jack continued rubbing his back, waiting to see if he'd keep talking, though his heart was in his throat, knowing who that woman was, but unable to make sense of why Aaron was dreaming this, how he could even know about Claire. He knew Aaron had been with her for almost two months before they were rescued, but he was so little, how could he even remember her? "I tried to run away, but I couldn't. And I was yelling for Mommy but she didn't come." The child was crying again, and Jack shushed him softly, rocking him back and forth in his arms.
"Shhh, kiddo, it's okay. You're safe. I don't know who she was, but she can't hurt you. It was just a dream." Jack reassured him, resting his head against the little boy's blonde hair, his anxiety higher than it had been in a long time.
"Where's Mommy?" Aaron asked quietly.
"Sleeping." Jack responded with a small smile, thinking of her cute tousled hair, and the way her face had been squished into the pillow when he'd left to save Aaron.
"Are you sure?" Aaron asked, his tone worried.
"Yes. You want to go check?" Jack asked, standing. Aaron nodded, squirming to get down. Jack placed him on the floor, and watched the 3 year old take off running for the master bedroom. Jack followed, loving how much the child adored Kate. Jack watched him creep quietly up to the bed, following closely to make sure he didn't bump into anything in the dark room. Aaron leaned close to Kate's face, and Jack watched as the little boy with his tear-stained cheeks placed a kiss on Kate's cheek and whispered, "Mommy". Kate opened her eyes a smidge, replying with a "Hmmm?"
"I love you, Mommy." Aaron said, as if making sure she knew it to reassure himself. Jack felt his heart swell with pride at the scene, a smile playing on his lips. Kate's eyes adjusted to the darkness, peering at her son.
"I love you too, sweet pea," she replied, rolling and sitting up. She peered at her husband, who stood by quietly. "Bad dream" he mouthed back at her, deciding he'd tell her the whole story in the morning. She nodded, reaching for the 3 year old and pulling him into her lap. The clock read 3:03 am, and Kate knew she needed to feed Adam anyway, welcoming the sweet wake up call. Aaron snuggled into her chest, his thumb finding his mouth, as he closed his eyes in content. Jack leaned, kissing his wife's forehead, before reaching for the rustling infant in the bassinet beside her. She gave him a smile as he lifted the baby and snuggle the one-sy clad child against his bare, fit chest.
"You want to come downstairs and sit with me while I feed Adam, so Daddy can go back to sleep?" Kate asked Aaron quietly, trying to lean her head to catch a glimpse of the little boy's face. He silently nodded, and moved off her lap. Kate stood, taking the baby from Jack, giving him a sweet kiss. As Aaron moved to the stairs by himself, Kate peered up at Jack's face, noticing the stumble from him not having shaved since the previous morning. "Is he okay?" She asked, her voice laced in concern. Jack nodded with a small sigh.
"Yeah, I think so. Just a bad dream. I'll tell you about it tomorrow." Adam began to fuss and Jack smiled tenderly down at the infant. "You have your hands full. You want me to come down with you?" He asked sweetly. Kate smiled but shook her head.
"No, but thanks. You have to wake up in less than three hours. Try to go back to sleep." She urged, knowing Jack having to be up at 6am would not be pleasant.
"All right, wake me if you need me though." His voice was soft, and full of adoration as he stared down at her. She grinned back, nodding.
"I will." He kissed her forehead and she made her way to the stairs, where she knew Aaron was waiting at the end of.
End Flashback
"Mommy!" came the excited squeal, rustling Kate from her deep sleep. Struggling to open her swollen eyes, she was able to fixate them on the young child throwing himself out of the bed and onto the floor. He ran to her and she greeted him with a sincere smile, wrapping him up in her arms. "Mommy! Mommy! You're home!" Aaron exclaimed, as Adam bounced up and down in his crib, holding the railing. Kate held the blonde haired boy like he were her lifeline, standing to sit on the bed, Aaron in her lap, straddling her legs. She could tell it was early morning by the daylight coming through the blinds, and she wished it were later, not having been ready to wake and face the day. She figured she had cried herself to sleep on the carpet, and the headache she suffered from confirmed it. "I missed you! So did Adam! Where's Daddy?" Aaron's words were full of excitement as he tried to climb down from Kate's lap. Kate held on to him, not sure what she'd tell him, but knowing that looking for Jack would be futile for the young child.
"I missed you too, baby," her voice was soft and she kissed his forehead, relishing in the adorable face of the small boy. He looked up at her, maybe confused, if he knew how to make that expression, and asked again for Jack. Kate sighed heavily and grasped his little hands.
"Daddy," she began, her voice unwillingly cracking and unwanted tears springing to her eyes, "He loves you so much. He just can't be here right now, okay? He had to do some really important things and couldn't come back with me. But he loves you so much. And he's missing you too. Okay?" Kate's voice was soft, her motherly tone always so kind and understanding, and though she could tell Aaron didn't understand what she was implying and that he was saddened by this admission, he accepted it.
"When will he be home?" his innocent little voice asked. Kate shrugged sadly and shook her head.
"I don't know, Sweet Pea. I'm just not sure." She admitted, sad that she was afraid it would be never.
"Okay," Aaron offered, his head dropping a little.
"I have someone here though I want you to meet, okay? She's a good friend of mine and she's going to be staying with us for a while, okay?" Kate dreaded what would come soon this morning, dreaded sharing her child with his own mother, but she knew she couldn't put it off, couldn't keep him from her any longer. She owed her that. And he was Claire's, after all. Settling Aaron down, Kate moved to her fussing baby, willing the tears not to fall as she lifted her husband's son into her arms. He wrapped is little arms around her neck and pulled at her hair, and a tearful laugh escaped her lips. Moving back to the bed, she wrapped the infant in one arm and her other one around Aaron, who now sat next to her and pulled him to her side, kissing the top of his head. It was at this moment that she knew, no matter what happened, if Jack came back or not, she would hold her little family together, welcoming Claire into her house, helping her with her son, and she would be strong, as strong as she could be for them, no matter what it took. These two children had no control over what had happened, and Jack was their father, they loved him too. She would mourn him through helping their children grow, she knew he would want that. She had to mourn, had to get through this, and she knew it would be the hardest thing she'd ever done, but she would do it for the two babies sitting with her now, on the bed, hugging her because she was their mother and they missed her and loved her too. She was unable to wallow in self-pity, and it wasn't her style. She knew she'd need to grow independent, after years of dependence on Jack. She had babies to feed, she needed to check on Claire. Kissing both their heads one more time, she stood, supporting Adam on her hip, holding Aaron's hand, sighing heavily, she knew this was the first step of the rest of her life. She was terrified and overwhelmed, and not to mention devastated, but she knew she owed it to the two children at her side, and Jack's mourning mother.
Margo could hear Aaron's small voice telling Kate a story as they made their way down the stairs. She wiped her own tears roughly, grabbing a tissue and clearing any damage it may have caused on her makeup, and slid the photo album she'd been looking at back into the drawer in the kitchen island. She allowed Kate to take her time, making her way into the kitchen with her children, pouring a cup of coffee for the sad woman. Rounding the corner, she caught Kate's eyes and what she found there, the sadness, the determination, made her want to tear up again. She offered a small smile, as strong as she could muster and Kate gave her one back, her eyes watering. Aaron dropped Kate's hand as climbed into his seat at the table, as Margo and Kate embraced over Adam, who was content to play with Kate's curls and babble on in his little language. He didn't understand what was going on, and Kate thanked a higher power for that. Settling Adam into his high chair, she accepted the coffee from Margo and peered around the room.
"Where's Claire?" she asked quietly. Margo gestured toward the stairs.
"In the other guest room shower. She should be down soon." They shared another sympathetic look, both peering at Aaron, who had pulled a coloring book and crayons from the center of the table and was busy coloring a "Lion King" picture. There was a moment of silence before Margo spoke.
"What did you tell him?" She asked quietly, moving close to Kate. Kate sighed, twirling the warm cup in her hand.
"That Jack had some things he had to do, and I didn't know when he'd be home. But that he loved them both very much." She again, for the umpteenth time that morning, fought tears, and could tell Margo was trying very hard to fight her own. "I didn't know what else to say." As her voice cracked, Margo embraced the younger woman with her arm, moving her out of the kitchen into the living room, so they weren't right in front of the children, and then embraced her fully.
"I know sweetheart. No one does. What you said was good for now. Handle the questions as they come." Kate could hear the tears in her mother-in-laws voice and somehow felt a touching kinship with the older woman. They were mourning the same person, just as much as the other. Margo had lost a son, her a husband. They understood one another. They held each other tight for a moment, shedding tears, before a small hand pulled at Kate's lounge pants. The women pulled apart immediately, trying to discreetly wipe their tears, Kate smiled down at Aaron.
"I'm hungry, Mommy." The child peered at her with his large innocent eyes and Kate nodded, giving him a good smile, not a fake one but a forced one.
"Sure thing, Sweet Pea. We'll be right in and we'll make you French toast, okay?" She offered, and the child nodded, before retreating from the room. Looking back at Margo, she could see the tear stains on the older woman's face.
"We'll get through this, Kate. It'll be all right again." The older woman knew from experience, Kate supposed, having mourned her husband twice and now her son twice. She knew what this felt like. Kate had never had time to mourn Tom, and she'd always just felt guilt and horrible about what had happened, she never loved him like she loved Jack. She looked to Margo for guidance, she had to. She didn't know what else to do, where to go from here.
Kate nodded, taking a deep breath and emerging from the room into the kitchen. Just as she did, Claire emerged from the hall, stepping slowly in the kitchen, tentative, and Kate swallowed hard. Aaron looked up to the blonde woman and a piece of Kate's heart shattered. She felt Margo's hand on her arm, with an encouraging squeeze, and she stepped forward.
"Aaron, this is Claire," she started with the word, grabbing Claire's hand and stepping forward with the younger woman. Claire's eyes were wide, and she appeared unsure, but underneath, Kate could see tears, tears of joy. Her son was before her, healthy and so big. Aaron watched his mother and Claire step forward. Claire gave a little wave to the child.
"Hi Aaron, it's nice to…to meet you," Claire stuttered, unsure of her words. Kate offered her a smile and she smiled back. Aaron waved back, his wide blue eyes staring back into Claire's. Sure he could see the resemblance, Kate panicked. But then he shrugged and smiled.
"Hi," the little boy offered before going back to coloring his paper.
"She's going to be staying with us for a while, okay?" Aaron nodded at Kate's statement. Kate gave Claire another reassuring smile as she sat across from her son. Kate grabbed another cup of coffee and handed it to the blonde woman, before beginning on breakfast. Margo watched the exchange and felt sympathy for Kate. A bark sounded from outside on the patio and Kate smiled lightly, remembering the puppy they had left behind. Opening the back door, she allowed Brody to rush into the house, licking her face and hands. Kate looked to Claire and noticed her wide eyes. "And this Claire, is Brody. He's a bit of a handful but he's as harmless as could be."
Later that evening, after spending most of the day with Margo, trying to plan a way to memorialize Jack, Kate pushed open the large oak door to her own house. Their house. She was alone, having left the babies at Margo's with her and Claire. Margo knew that Kate would need a little while alone, and had told her to go on to the house by herself, stating that Claire and the children could stay at her house if Kate wanted mourn alone for a while. No one had been there since they'd left. It was dark, and as she turned on the foyer light, her heart was struck with pain. It sucked the breath from lungs as she walked slowly through the foyer into the kitchen. So much of him was everywhere. A Red Sox cap lay on the counter, next to his keys. The newspaper lay next to them, opened to the sports page from the day they left. She set her things next to his and proceeded on, slowly, taking in their home. His suit coat, the one he had worn to work a few days before they'd left was hanging on a hook by the coat closet, having been overlooked while they were cleaning before they left. His medical journals were on the coffee table, where he'd read them while they drank their coffee on Sunday mornings.
As Kate walked the house, so many memories jumped out at her. It became hard for her to breath. She leaned against the wall near the door that overlooked the back yard, and she leaned her head against the cool glass. She could feel him, kept waiting for him to open the front door, and announce he was home from work. Turning, she caught a sight of the picture she'd had to beg him to have professional taken for their Christmas card. They had taken on the beach, and had all worn white. She was pregnant with Adam, her belly small but round, showing through her white sundress. Aaron was on Jack's hip, grinning at the camera beside her. Jack was smiling, laughing maybe even, she couldn't remember the exact moment when that particular shot had been taken, but she remembered vividly the hard time he had given about taking the pictures. He had wanted a candid shot, had even picked one out, but as Dr. Shephard's soon-to-be wife, she wanted a professional, clean picture taken, something people would appreciate on their Christmas card, something that would show how wonderful their little family was. He had finally agreed, and as she peered at the photo, a tear slipped down her cheek. He had always been such a good sport about the stupid, mundane things she had asked him to do. She smiled at the memory, the pain in her chest intense.
Numbly she reached for the phone and dialed his number. She wanted him to pick up, needed him to. She needed this all to be a dream.
But as the phone went straight to voicemail, his voice coming across the line, more tears slipped down her cheeks. Pressing the power button on the cordless phone, she hugged it to her chest, a few sobs escaping her throat. He couldn't be really gone. There was something inside her that refused to let her believe that. But another part of her told her she needed to accept it, that it was indeed true.
Angrily, she threw the phone into the cushions of the couch, gritting her teeth as the tears rolled. She made her way past the remnants of him in the kitchen and dining room, and made her way up the stairs. The bedroom was clean, just the way they'd left it, a few clothes folded on the bed, ones she had chosen not to take with her. She threw them off the bed and climbed into it, fully clothed, crushing his pillow to her face. She was determined to get it all out now, to cry her eyes out over him, and be done with it. Sobbing into the pillow, her feelings floated from anger to love to denial. To put it irrationally, she as furious with him for what he had done, leaving her alone to raise Adam and give Aaron back to Claire, not to mention to live without the one thing she had grown to love more than anything. She couldn't think of anything but his face as she cried, him telling her to tell the babies he loved them. She couldn't think past any of it as she cried. Every time she thought the tears would slow down, a memory would flow to her, that time he had painted her nails on the porch, or when he had surprised her with the puppy, or when he'd been let for their rehearsal dinner because he was too busy buying her a new car.
There were so many things to remember, and as she laid on the bed, running them all through her head, her tears slowed a little. She even laughed a little at a memory or two, when she'd burned the cake for his birthday and he had tried so hard to make her laugh, or when he had tried for over an hour to fix the Christmas tree lights and how annoyed he'd been when she had fixed it in a matter of seconds.
He had changed her. He had taught how to stand still, how to not worry about the future. He had supported her in anything she had wanted, his unwavering devotion hard to come by. Even the time when they had met in the parking garage, after she had received her verdict, and he had made it clear he wasn't ready to see Aaron, she still cherished the memory, because it had led them to who they had become. She was suddenly dependant, but all the better for it. He had helped her grow. She needed to remember those things about herself that he had helped shaped, needed to teach them to her son in place of Jack. He would want that. He wouldn't want this, she knew, her crying helplessly on bed. She couldn't help it now, wasn't sure she would be able to in the coming days, weeks, and months, but she knew, if she was going to get through it, she had to remember how he would want her to move on. There was no confirmation he was dead, no body, no word, but the fact that he was nowhere to be found made it very difficult to believe he had somehow made it off the Island alive. And what was she supposed to do? As much as she wanted to go off and look for him, Adam needed her, and Aaron did too until he was settled with Claire, whenever that happened. She couldn't leave them alone anymore, he had made sure she had lived to get back to them this time, she couldn't risk it again. She needed to take care of their family.
The grounds were quiet as Kate and Margo stood next to the memorial stone that would recognize Jack. It was placed where Margo had placed his first one, after the first Oceanic crash. Margo had had the first one removed after they had all come back, but as they placed flowers next to this one, it made it all the harder on her.
They stood in their black dresses, just the two of them, saying their goodbyes to a headstone that had no body below it. It was next to Christian's, in a cemetery not far from Kate's house. The oak tree above it shielded the stones from sun-bleaching, and allowed for cool shade when visiting. Kate had come here before, with Jack, on Christian's birthday each year. Now standing with Margo instead left a cold hole in Kate's heart. Neither said much, each said their own prayers for the man who had died before his time. They hadn't wanted their friends to join them, wanting it to be something small and sacred. Kate knew eventually she'd bring Aaron and Adam here, after she finally told them the truth. It had been over a week since they'd returned, and Aaron still asked for him, ripping Kate's heart out over and over. But she couldn't bring herself to tell him he wasn't coming back. She didn't think that would make the transition from her to Claire any easier on the small boy. She wasn't healing yet, but this was a start, she believed.
Planting her daisies, her favorite flower, the ones he would always buy her, next to the grave, she remembered all the people Jack had buried on the Island. Things hadn't been easy on him there, it was if he took vengeance on the island, she thought with a small smirk. Shaking her head, she closed her eyes against the tears. Sucking in a breath, she stood when she was satisfied with the arrangement, and Margo placed a comforting hand on the younger woman's shoulder. Margo said one more small goodbye to her son, and told Kate she'd give her a moment, going to wait in the car. Kate nodded her thank you and stared at the cold stone, chewing her lips. When Margo was out of ear-shot, she spoke quietly, kneeling before the headstone.
"I miss you so much, Jack. You're all around me, every day. I see you in Adam, in Aaron, even when I have to punish that wild dog because he ate another one of my shoes. He's eaten 4 since I've been back. You were supposed to help me train him," her voice cracked and she fought sobs that reached her throat, "but I suppose I'll let you off the hook. I wish you were here. I know wherever you are you're thinking about us. " Tears escaped her green eyes and she closed them tightly, praying for the strength to say the last few things she wanted to. "I'll come by often, I promise. I'll bring Adam and when I explain things to Aaron, I'll bring him too. I love you Jack. I hope you're happy, wherever you are." She kissed her fingertips and placed them on the hard stone, tears freely sliding down her freckled cheeks. She had never thought she'd be a widow. She never would have thought she'd bury her husband. Standing from the soft grass, she took one last look at the grave, before turning and beginning for the car. She was overwhelmed by thoughts of tomorrow, how she'd get through each day, but she was determined. For him. For Adam. And for Aaron. She needed to be okay, for them. She was terrified, but she needed to be okay. She owed that to Jack, for saving her life. If anything, she owed him that.
I don't know just where I'm going
And tomorrow, it's a little overwhelming
And the air is cold
And I'm not the same anymore
I've been running in your direction
For too long now
I've lost my own reflection
And I can't look down
If you're not there to catch me when I fall.
If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause it's my turn to be brave
"Brave" by Idina Menzel
This song inspired a bit of this chapter, and I knew I would use it when I heard it months ago. Please listen to it, I immediately thought of Kate on the cliffs when she let Jack go during 'The End'. And in honor of that most amazing, heartbreaking finale, I thought it appropriate I include this in this chapter, and that I post today. A year ago today was the end of six years of amazing-ness. And I miss it everyday.
Reviews are love. Please let me know your thoughts. Like I said before, you will be rewarded if you stick through this and continue reading. I'm worried about the review count but I'm going to chalk it up to the damage I've done. Please let me know you're still reading. I'll take anything, lol. Thank you in advance. You're all awesome!
