Chapter 49

Severus Snape gazed into a cauldron and saw his face reflected back at him in the shimmering potion. The effect was not unlike looking into a Penseive and the Potions Master was reminded of his promise to Dumbledore.

As he stared at his reflection, he had to wonder if removing his memory, even temporarily, would change him. For the night in question had altered him completely. It was the night he had committed his worst act yet it had also been his finest hour. What he had been and what he had become were irrevocably tied to that memory. It was a recollection that he both cherished and abhorred. What would it be like to suddenly lose the most significant night of his life? The potion swirled in his cauldron, blurring his reflection while Severus' mind raced back once more to that night and he saw it as clearly as if he were viewing it in the Penseive.

Severus Snape stumbled back among his team of Death Eaters, weak from the Cruciatus Curse he had just received from his master. Someone pulled a chair out for him.

"Was the Dark Lord very angry?" she asked anxiously.

"Of course he was angry," Severus replied bitterly. "We failed him. I failed him."

"But things were going well until Moody showed up."

"Moody!" Snape exclaimed venomously. "He's taken down more of us than the rest of the Aurors combined and we can't even touch him! What I wouldn't give to see him taken down."

"If you can't do it, Severus, surely there's no one who can," another Death Eater offered.

Severus grinned maliciously and his black eyes glinted. The subject of Moody's recent marriage soon came up. It had been a rumor at that point. No one seriously believed that weather-beaten, tough-as-nails Moody had taken a wife.

"I've seen her," one of the Death Eaters informed them. "She's practically a child and a Muggle at that."

"A filthy Muggle!" Severus snarled. How was it possible to be bested by a blood traitor? He would not allow it. "Are you certain of your facts?"

He nodded eagerly. "They live up in Moody's cottage by the lake."

Severus drew out his wand, anxious to put its power to use. "I've just figured out how to get at this thorn in our sides." He brandished his wand menacingly. "I think we should pay a social call on the new Mrs. Moody."

Driven by a thirst for revenge, the six Death Eaters grabbed their masks and immediately set out for the Moody residence. Although he did not mention it to the others, Severus had some reservations that they would be unable to break into the Auror's well-protected house. To his surprise, however, Claudia Moody opened the front door to them.

Snape raised his eyebrows under his mask, taken aback by her appearance. She was young, very young, and surprisingly attractive with long golden hair. What she saw in Moody's scarred face was anyone's guess. Although she was smiling when she opened the door, her eyes grew wide with fright at the sight of Snape and his cohorts at the door.

Claudia stumbled backward and threw her hands up defensively. At the height of his powers, Severus Snape made a menacing sight. The other Death Eaters jeered. Claudia looked weak and vulnerable and Severus felt a wide rush of excitement. With a flick of his wand he propelled her through the hall until she slammed into a well and crumpled to the floor.

Severus glided after her with the others following. They were mocking her. They would have their fun tonight but everyone knew. It was understood. Claudia Moody belonged to Severus Snape.

The woman raised herself up. There was a look of absolute astonishment on her face as if she had had no prior knowledge of what a Dark Wizard was capable of.

I have complete control over her, he thought with relish. It was the same thought he had every time he tormented someone – the weaker the better. But the fact that this was Alastor Moody's new bride made his heart thump with excitement and a kind of blood lust. His wand was up again, pointed at the figure before him.

Claudia cowered. "Please don't hurt me," she implored. "Please!"

"You Muggles always beg," Snape spat disdainfully. "Ignorant fools! Any wizard would know I have no mercy!"

She pulled into herself, crying softly. With another flick of his wand he cut several gashes on her face. Blood streamed through her hair.

"Alastor," she moaned. "Help me, please."

At the sound of Moody's name, Severus lost all control. "Crucio!" he bellowed and fell into a hatred-filled euphoria. He became vaguely aware that another witch had come down the stairs and was dueling with the other Death Eaters but he could not take his attention off of torturing this Muggle. He would release the curse just before the strain on her body became fatal only to cast it again when she started to catch her breath. Seldom had he felt so alive, so powerful and so deeply satisfied. Never had he tortured anyone for so long. He laughed at her screams, her pleas for help until finally her neck snapped and she fell dead to the floor.

Sauntering over to the body, Snape kicked it over. Would Moody know how much she had suffered? She was bloody and bruised. Her face was unrecognizable. He smiled. Moody would know just what his young bride had endured.

Severus then became aware of the fray in the next room. It, too, was nearly over. The other witch was gravely injured and the Death Eaters were closing in on her. It would not be long, he reasoned, until the Aurors showed up. He would have to finish this now. Striding across the room, he prepared the killing curse.

"You monsters won't get away with this," the witch cried out. "When Moody and the Order find out what happened, they will not rest until you're brought to justice!" Her words were spirited but her voice was weak and strained.

Severus stopped short and his mouth went suddenly dry. He knew that voice, though he had not heard it in a long time, not since his days at Hogwarts. Much had passed since then. He had joined the Dark Lord and she had married James Potter.

Lily! Lily Evans! He could barely breathe. He had tried so hard to forget her only to encounter her here and have to be the one to kill her. Tightening his grip on his wand, Severus stepped forward to get a clear view of Lily who looked injured and vulnerable, helpless really, before him.

He closed his eyes tightly. "Avada Kedavra!" he screamed and his wand seemed to vibrate more than it ever had. There was an extraordinary flash and a great gasp. When he opened his eyes he saw to his horror that his intent had not been true. He had not killed Lily. He had killed the five Death Eaters threatening her, his own team. Severus stared at his wand. Had it suddenly betrayed him? Never had he cast a curse of such magnitude and never had it gone so very wrong.

Lily sputtered on the floor as the Dark wizard tried desperately to collect himself. No matter, he thought. It was a foolish emotional reaction at seeing her again. This time the curse would be true. It would have to be. Severus could not go back to the Dark Lord and explain how he had lost five of his best Death Eaters on an unauthorized Muggle killing. He fingered his wand while Lily looked up warily, trying to figure out what was going on.

He was sweating beneath his mask, trying to steel himself when she said it.

"Severus? Severus Snape?"

The air was suddenly sucked from the room. He groaned inwardly. His wand had betrayed him. She had recognized it, knew it from their lessons together when they were both at school. Instinctively Severus pulled off his mask so they could see each other, frozen, transfixed. He wanted to be the one to break the silence, knew that he had to be. Yet he could not utter a word.

"Severus," she finally whispered. "No, it can't be true." Her voice was filled with pity and it cut into Snape like a knife. Still, he was unable to respond.

"I wondered what happened to you after you left school but I never thought that you had become a Death Eater."

He hated the way she sounded so sad, so disappointed.

"Oh, Severus," she moaned.

"No!" he broke in harshly, finally finding his voice. He did not want this from her. He needed her anger and her hatred to do what he needed to do. But this pity …

Lily struggled to peer into the next room where Claudia's broken body lay. "What's happened to you?" she demanded as her eyes pooled with tears.

Severus followed her gaze. An icy fist squeezed his heart as he looked upon what he had done. Once he had believed that he would become so villainous that his heart would be hardened even to Lily but now he realized that he had been deceiving himself. Through her eyes he saw plainly what he had become – a murderer, a torturer of women and children. He fell to his knees beside Lily. Never before had he felt any remorse for his crimes but suddenly he was ashamed, appalled at what he had made of his life. He looked upon Claudia's body. He had never hated himself more.

Pressing his wand into Lily's hand, he raised it to his temple. "Do it! I do not think that one such as yourself can even imagine how many crimes I've committed nor how much I deserve this."

"No, Severus," she said as the tears streamed down her face. "I won't do it. I know there is some good left in you. You saved my life."

It was not true, he told himself. There wasn't anything decent left in Severus Snape, if indeed there ever had been anything. Still, he released her hand. She was in obvious pain from her injuries.

"Lily." He lifted her head and cradled it in his lap, stroking her hair as he had once before. At least he would have this moment with her before the Aurors came and took him away.

Soon they became aware of voices outside getting nearer.

Lily looked up at him intently. "Run, Severus! No one will ever know you were here if you go now. Hurry!"

He stared at her, held her a little tighter.

Her tone became insistent, almost desperate. "Please, Severus, just go! I'll never tell them! Run!"

She was letting him go. Overcome with emotion, Severus bent over her so that their faces were very close. He stroked her face gently. "You are the one thing in this world worth saving. As despicable as I am, you are good. For as monstrous as I've become, you are only more beautiful"

"Please, Severus. They are coming."

He put a finger to her lips. "Lily Evans-"

"It's Potter," she reminded him gently.

With a grim pang he amended himself. "Lily Potter, know that from this day forward I am your protector. Whatever else may happen in this war, know that I am with you. I shall keep you safe, even if all other things fail. This I swear to you for as long as I have strength left in my body."

He pressed his lips to hers briefly and fled through the back just as the Aurors were bursting through the front door. He was nearly in the woods when he heard it – a cry on the night air. A cry so full of anguish as to be nearly unrecognizable.

"Claudia! Claudia!"

He went to Dumbledore the very next day and told him his story. Not because Severus wanted to join him or even believed in his cause but because he knew it was his best chance at protecting Lily. Dumbledore accepted his story and put him to work as a spy for the Order. It was dangerous work and through it Snape began to hope that he could be redeemed. Dumbledore fostered this hope and through him Snape found the strength to forsake the Dark Arts entirely.

But all was shattered that terrible Halloween night when Lily was murdered. Despondent that he had failed to protect her, Severus contemplated suicide. Again it was Dumbledore who pulled him from the abyss, reminding him of his duty to Lily and those that were left behind. And so he would spend his days – remembering her ways and protecting the few that remained of her family.

Forcing himself out of his reverie, Severus attended to a cauldron that was threatening to boil over. Although he often complained that he had too many potions to brew, the concentration the act required was welcome. It forced him to focus his mind on the present. After adjusting the flame, Severus reached for more gillyweed only to be interrupted by an urgent summons. Dumbledore's patronus had just come through the door. Something was wrong at Privet Drive.