Title: Moving On
Author: Raven Shadowrose
Rating: M
Pairing:?/?
Summary: Dixie has been left broken hearted by Cyd's departure from the Holby team, what happens when Cyd is replaced by Hannah Darbyshire and Dixie takes a liking to her. Will she end up with even more of a broken heart or will she find the happiness that she has been searching for?
Disclaimer: I do not know or own any of the characters from Casualty, all original characters and the story are my property and I do not give permission for anyone else to use this story.
Author's Note: This story will contain will contain some femslash, if you do not wish to read it then by all means back away slowly the way you came, other than that enjoy the story and reviews are appreciated :)
Thank you to chan. nelson444, olivia. c. king1 and beethovenRIP for your comments. I know that some of you don't like Cyd because of what she did to Dixie but hear her out :)
Chapter Fifty-Three... Cynthia 'Cyd' Pyke.
I've been thinking a lot lately in the quiet times, mainly about the past, about Dixie too. I remember when we met for the first time, she was this larger than life blonde woman that made herself known to everyone that worked in the station. You could always hear Dixie coming before you saw her, those strident Northern tones entered the building before she did. I wasn't sure what to make of Dixie at first, she could be very blunt and had an opinion on everything and everyone that happened to cross her path. She wasn't shy about giving her opinion either, if someone annoyed her then they knew about it. As time passed and I got to know Dixie I realised what a good heart she had and how much she cared about people, whether they were colleagues or patients. We were paired together as a team and became good friends, we always worked together. I looked forward to seeing Dixie at work, she made me smile, and her quirky sense of humour made me laugh. I was surprised when Dixie told me that she was a lesbian, I hadn't expected it and yet somehow it made sense. I am glad that she trusted me with her secret though. It didn't matter to me, Dixie was still the same person that I had played cards with between shouts with and ate pizza with in front of a film after a tough day at work. I had no idea that she was in love with me until the day that snake bit me on a shout, she had always been good at keeping secrets.
I regret how I handled the whole situation, all that happened was I hurt Dixie and lost my best friend, the best friend that risked her own life to save mine. Jeff was right, anything could have happened to Dixie, the snake could have got her too. I went to Celbridge first but it didn't work out, being there only reminded me of how much I hated being in Ireland. I thought it would have changed in the time that I had been in England, but, it hadn't. I found it easier not to think about Dixie while I was away, she was in a different part of the world and I couldn't see her. Dixie phoned me a lot in the early days, I never found the courage to pick up the phone and talk to her. I listened to every message that she left me, I could tell that she was upset, her voice was clouded by the tears that she was trying to hide. Soon the calls and messages stopped, Dixie had given up on calling me, I couldn't blame her, I had left her and she had decided to move on. I knew that Dixie thought I wanted nothing to do with her, it couldn't be further from the truth. I wanted to come back, I wanted to tell Dixie that her friendship still meant the world to me. I compromised by transferring to Cheshire, being back in England made me think of Dixie; was she all right? Had she found someone to love her? Did she think of me? Had someone replaced me? If I called her at the station would she talk to me? Would she let me back on the team? I had many questions without answers.
I hated it at Cheshire, the people were nice enough but none of them could replace Dixie, I was miserable and wanted to go back to Holby and see my best friend again. Then Hannah phoned me, I was afraid that Dixie had been hurt or killed and I wouldn't get the chance to apologise for my actions. Our profession is a very dangerous one and sometimes paramedics do get hurt or killed in the line of duty, I know that better than anyone else. I was relieved to hear that she was all right, it made me sad to think that Dixie missed me and I agreed to meet Hannah. I wanted to see my best friend again but I had to know if she was still in love with me or if she had found someone else. What I told Dixie was true, I left so she could find someone that could love her in the way that I wasn't able to. I left to give Dixie the chance of being truly happy, I am glad that she found Hannah and that leaving paid off. I wasn't sure if it would but it was the only thing that I could think of, if I had stayed then Dixie would have forever lived in hope that I would change my mind. I couldn't do that to Dixie, I couldn't condemn her to a life of pining away for me and never giving anyone else a chance. Dixie deserves more than that, she deserves love.
Hannah makes Dixie happy, I see it in the way Dixie looks at her. I am happy that Dixie has found someone to love her at last. I can see that Dixie has settled down, love is good for her; she's more secure in herself now. I am pleased that Hannah has had such an effect on Dixie, I have no doubt that Dixie's fiery side will still come out if and when it needs to. I saw it when Jeff had a go at me, Dixie was angry and she put Jeff in his place. His words hurt but I understood, he'd always had a loyalty to Dixie that wouldn't change, he would always protect her and I am glad about that. If Dixie wasn't with Hannah and a lesbian then I have no doubt that Jeff and Dixie would be a couple. I have sensed that Jeff is different towards me these days, maybe he has accepted me now that I have been here for a while. He doesn't have to worry, I won't be leaving Holby, I won't hurt Dixie like that ever again. I've learned my lesson and I am just happy that Dixie invited me back. I am lucky that she did, I wouldn't have blamed her one bit if she told me to leave and that she never wanted to see me again.
I was still thinking when a shadow fell over me and I looked up to see Dixie stood there, she smiled and then sat down next to me. 'Hi Dixie.'
'You look preoccupied, is there something on your mind?'
'Do I? I don't know, maybe there is.'
'Yeah, so what are you thinking about?'
'Lots of things.'
'Like what?'
'Mainly about the past, about everything that happened.'
'Oh, I see.'
'Dixie, can I ask you something?'
'Yeah, you can.'
'When did you realise that you were in love with me?'
'I think it crept up on me bit by bit, it was Jeff that noticed how I felt and encouraged me to tell you everything. He's always been able to read me, I can't hide anything from him.'
'Did he know that you liked Hannah too?'
'Yeah, from the day she first started here.'
'How does he do it?'
'I don't know, there are times that I think he is psychic.' I laughed.
'Maybe he is with you, you two know each other so very well.' Dixie looked as if she had started thinking about something, I didn't want to interrupt so I just sat there with her.
I know Dixie and she will talk when she's ready, sometimes she just has to think about things, I was about say something when she spoke first. 'I think I told you about my feelings at the wrong moment, I was so scared that you would die and my emotions got the better of me. The picture I took of the snake was useless and I felt like I had let you down.'
'You didn't let me down, you saved my life, if anything I let you down.
'How so?'
'You were so brave, you knew the snake was poisonous and its bite could be fatal and you still went into that house.'
'I couldn't let you die, I would do it all again if I had to.'
'I hope that you won't have to Dixie.'
'Me too.'
'Do you still feel the same about me?'
'I love you as a friend, just like I love Jeff and Polly.'
'I am glad to hear it. Let me guess, a certain woman came along and she is the one that makes your eyes sparkle.'
'Jeff said that my eyes sparkle too, is it true?'
'Yes, it is true. There is a light in your eyes, love definitely suits you Dixie. It is nice to see you happy and settled in a relationship with someone that clearly cares about you.'
'Thanks Cyd.'
'What for?'
'For coming back.' I hugged Dixie and she hugged me back, normally people say it was as if the past hadn't happened but I'm not going to say that. The past had happened and I had learned from it.
I watch the other people that I work with coming and going, Hannah and Polly are cleaning their ambulance and singing along to rock music. I wouldn't have thought that Hannah would be Dixie's type; the tattooed woman with the posh accent and the loud, Northern woman. Somehow they work, I don't know how, I am just grateful that they do. I never thought that I would see the day that Dixie got engaged to someone but that day is here and I am so very pleased for her. 'Cyd, what do you think that my dad would think of me being engaged? I don't know why I'm asking, I know that he would hate it.'
'Why do you care what he thinks?' Dixie took a deep breath and sighed.
'I don't know.'
'Dixie, you say that Jeff knows you and I know you too. I know that something is bothering you.'
'I'm marrying a woman that I love, Hannah's dad is so happy for her and he thinks of me as family. Why can't my dad be the same?'
'I can't answer that Dixie. I can tell you something though.'
'Like what?'
'Forget him, he made the choice to abandon you. He doesn't deserve you.'
'You're right, he knows where I am and he hasn't made any effort to come and see me or call me. He made his feelings clear all those years ago when he decided that who I am was embarrassing to him.'
'Me, Jeff and Polly care about you and Hannah loves you. From what you told me Hannah's dad loves you too. The only person missing out is your dad and he will realise that one day.'
'Yeah, I know. I have many good people in my life. I can't see him coming around any time soon.'
'Is that to visit or to accept you and love you as you are?'
'Both. He's never going to be the dad that I want him to be, he'll never be like Hannah's dad and I am dealing with that.'
'Does Hannah know all of this?'
'Yeah, I promised that I would be honest with her.'
'That's a good thing.'
'It is.' Dixie smiled, I hope that she would be able to come to terms with her feelings about her father.
I sat with Dixie for a little while longer, there had been times in the past when we would sit together in silence and it would be comfortable. I am glad that we are back to normal. Agreeing to meet Hannah and to return to Holby was the best decision that I have ever made. 'Cyd, we're all going for a drink, are you coming?'
'I'd love to.'
'Great.' I stood up and linked arms with Dixie as we went to get changed, spending time with my friends outside of work and just having a laugh and some downtime seemed like a very good idea to me. The thought that returning to Holby was the best decision that I had ever made came into my head once more.
