Ano Hito no Jijō (That Person's Circumstances)
by
Saddletank

Chapter Fifty Three – You Can't Have Such Strong Feelings Towards Someone Without Them Holding A Place In Your Heart

"You move on. One step forward… We don't realize it when we're walking. When we stop and look back is when we realize the distance we've walked."

- Kusanagi Kei, Onegai Teacher, Ep.12

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"On a great road, sheep are lost at the forks."

- Kimura-sensei, Azumanga Daioh, Ep.4

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14 Days / 5

Things became lumpy.

Things became uncertain.

Things began to…

…degenerate.

It all started to happen at once.

And too fast.

Much too fast.

Suddenly it was as if learning at school became unimportant.

There was so much going on.

The days seemed to groan under the strain of it.

They were full of it.

Full of things.

And events, and people.

And changes.

I felt like the days would bulge and inflate and burst, so much was happening.

My head with it.

My heart too.

So much strain, so much that was puzzling, confusing and wonderful.

Perhaps partly it was me, inside me, changes in me.

Perhaps this was the next stage, adolescence, growing.

Blooming.

The school work was there and I suppose it filled our days.

The home work too. We must have had that too.

I just don't remember it. Even though it must have taken up most of my days and part of my evenings and weekends it seemed insignificant. A tiny meaningless thing.

Compared to…

…life.

As it was then. That September and the cooler weather as the rains came, as the year showed us it's first signs of ending, as we all ran around like crazy preparing for the culture fest.

It was so busy, so amazing.

Tonami Takefumi came into the school and he and Tsubaki struck against each other headlong, like two huge rolling rocks, their loud impact crashed among us sending splinters into our lives.

Yukino and Arima, their relationship came under such strain, it felt like at one point they would shatter and fly apart.

Asapin and I, we struggled to hold in check our crazy friendship. A friendship that wasn't just a friendship but wasn't love either. Our strong feelings for each other. Our lust. Hm, that's the only word to describe it. Several nights a week, perhaps three times a week we would meet and the intensity and plain simple dirtiness of what happened between us grew to the point where getting up and going to school the next day seemed almost meaningless, like life outside of the whirling fire of our times together just didn't matter. I'd wake up sweaty and exhausted and tangled with him and just want to do it again and again, school could go hang.

Aya's play. We went for it, somehow and for some stupid reason we did.

I don't know why. I think it was Yukino, the one so dead against it at first who went for it, dragging everyone along behind her just as she does.

Once she gets an idea in her head, an idea that to her seemed capable of winning us first place in the culture fest, she wouldn't let go. It was useless for us to fight it.

And Maho, her personal life was bending and distorting and straining her to breaking point.

So I want to tell you about these things, these amazing, exciting, confusing things.

I think the best way to tell you is to relate to you a long conversation I had with Yukino. Well, it was two conversations really. One in school one lunchtime when Arima was busy attending a kendo club planning meeting and we had the whole lunch period to ourselves.

And the other was a telephone call late one night.

"You alone today Yukinon?"

"Hm," her Big Happy Kitten Smile.

"Wanna eat outside?"

"Hm," another smile. She had a great smile. You couldn't help but be happy when she did that.

We walked in silence up past the sports pitches to the area of paths and bushes where she and Asaba and Arima and I had sat last semester.

We collapsed on the grass.

We ate.

"What do you think of this Tonami guy?" she asked me.

"I don't know. There's something odd about him. You know? He just hangs around a lot. Watching. It's creepy."

"He said something funny to me in the corridor a couple of mornings ago."

"Oh, yeah?"

"He asked me to keep a secret."

Whoops. Not good.

"About?"

"Tsubaki."

"Ah."

"Why do you say 'ah' like that?"

"I think she knows him. From elementary school, and middle school. Well, she knew a Tonami Takefumi and I think she thinks this guy is him. He must've changed a lot though because I've seen them together and it's like she's not sure. Even when she stares at him closely."

"Oh she knows him all right. That all makes sense."

"How so?"

"I'll tell you. He said to me that if she or any of her group were to ask me if he was the same Tonami she knew in middle school, that I should say I didn't know."

"Why did he say that? It doesn't add up."

"Oh?"

"Well you didn't know him at all did you? You first met him through Arima, the day the Kadai rankings went up. You weren't to know he and Tsubaki had known each other."

"Hm, that's right."

"If anything he should have said that to Arima, it was Arima he knew in the first year of middle school wasn't it?"

"Right. Yeah, come to think of it, you're right."

"So that's odd."

"Hm. It's like… like he maybe wants me to let it slip to Tsubaki anyway," she had a box of Pocky and was sucking one, flipping the thin biscuit up and down in her teeth like she does with pencils when she's thinking hard. She offered me the box and I took one, nibbling it.

"Weird. I wonder why? Why go all around the houses like that. Why doesn't he just tell her?"

"Maybe he's got a crush on her."

I thought about that. Yeah, it was possible. I'd seen him watching her practicing her dunks.

"And," I remembered something, "Oh, yes. One of Rika's friends said something to her about what happened in the gym. There was a club practice session, the volleyball and the basketball clubs were there."

"When was this?"

"Only a couple of days ago. Rika's friend saw it all. Rika told me. They were practicing and Tonami came in. And apparently Tsubaki tried to stop him from even coming in the gym. It was a team training session but she's not even the captain or the coach, one of them should have done it, but she went up to him and was right in his face apparently. Club members only. Right in the doorway."

"Did they fight?"

"You bet! Tonami said he'd joined the basketball club so he came in and he and Tsubaki were like in each others hair for about five minutes, making snide remarks and passing insults and so on. The thing was he was all cool about it and had his nose in the air and wore this superior smile which seemed to wind her right up."

"I know what you mean, about him being distant and superior like that."

"So she was watching him play, just watching. And he comes up to her and says something like 'Why're you staring at me? You'd better not have a crush on me'. And she goes mental, they were hurling balls at each other. It was a real fight. The coach had to pull them apart apparently because no-on else could play."

"Wow. Violence in school."

"Yeah. Great, isn't it?"

"I think Tsubaki has worked him out now though, I think she's guessed it's him."

"Why?"

"I was by the drinks machines near 1-Bs homeroom this morning, just getting an orange juice before classes. They were together, he was going up the stairs and she called out to him."

"What did she say?"

"I hardly heard her but she said something like 'Could you possibly be?' and he turned and just gave her that look he does, you know, all cold and hard faced and stuck up."

"I know. That's the look I find so creepy. He's like a mind reader. Gives me the shivers."

"So he says 'What is it?' and she just went 'No, it's nothing,' and walked off. But she just had this odd air about her, like of defeat."

"We're gonna have to sit her down and get the truth out of her."

"Right. And yesterday lunch time. You went swimming."

"I did."

"You missed a good one. Lots got revealed."

"Rats."

She leaned closer to me and tucked her legs to one side and under her. She looked around as if to make sure no enemy spies were listening from the bushes.

"I went and grilled him, I went into 1-Bs homeroom with Arima and Asaba. He was there."

"What did you say? What did he say?"

"I asked him why did he want to hide the fact that he was in elementary school with Tsubaki? Arima didn't know. It was plain on his face. So Tonami says he has his reasons and then he says to Arima 'I don't want you to tell Sakura-san that I'm that Tonami either'."

"Why? Why?"

She laughed, "Ha, that's exactly what Asapin said. So he got this photo out of his wallet. It was of a dumb looking fat kid, about ten or eleven years old sat at some really high class foreign restaurant in Europe. He looked rich but totally spoiled. Little piggy eyes. And Tonami said it was himself."

"Now I get it."

I did. I looked up at the sky, the clouds were thicker today, overcast. Rain coming soon, in the next few days probably.

Seasons changing.

Time changing.

People changing.

As a young boy he'd been a fatso. Tsubaki and Aya had said that when I was with them at the beginning of the week. So this guy in the three years between moving away to Okinawa when he was twelve and coming back to Tokyo now, had transformed himself from fat useless bully-roadkill into someone new. Tall, lean, fit, clever, healthy, athletic.

Wow. Impressive. I wondered what his motivation for that had been.

Yukino went on.

"Back then, he'd said, he was always being bullied. Tsubaki had been especially abusive to him, treating him as her personal slave. Errand boy, bell boy, desk cleaner, meal duty, home work duty, she forced him to switch lunches with her, she took his CDs and made him record TV shows for her, and she kept the videos. She even laughed at how fat he was."

"What a bitch. It hardly seems the same woman."

"She is though. And she had a deep effect on him. When he transferred out part way through the first year of middle school he decided he'd be a different person when he came back."

"He said that to you?"

"Hm. Have you seen his photo of back then?"

"No."

"He was hopeless. Very fat. A complete loser."

"So this change, in three years, is to get back at Tsubaki?"

"Seems so."

"Wow. I mean impressive yes, but, like it's twisted too isn't it. Isn't it? Sort of obsessional? You'd have to have a serious fixation to change that much just hoping for a chance to get someone back."

"Now, think about his face again and tell me that's a normal face."

I sat, looking up. Clouds scudded by. I made faces of them, shapes of animals. Yukino'd said something that clicked in me. His face. That cold, detached, angry and yet sad face. This boy had been fixed for three whole years on one aim, just one object had ruled his life from age twelve to age fifteen or sixteen. To lose all that weight, to get fit, to run, swim, cycle, do gym and eat sensibly. To focus on one thing and one thing only.

"…like me."

"Gomen?"

"I was saying I suddenly felt that he was just like me."

"How so? He must have been driven to do that."

"Just like me. As I was in elementary school and middle school. Driven to present to the world a person who I wasn't. I went through hell to create a persona, a mask I wore for the world to see that hid the real me."

"Rubbish. That's not what he did at all. He was a loser and improved himself in order to be better."

Like me.

Just like me.

He wasn't like Yukinon, he was like me.

The wave of hot revelation washed over me.

No, no, she wasn't like him at all. She'd improved herself so as to present a face to the world while inside being a different person, a fake person. Tonami didn't sound a fake to me, and I sure as hell wasn't.

"…agree with you."

"Gomen, my mind went off again. What did you say?"

"I can't agree with you at all. Both he and I took second-rate material and polished it hard until it shone, until it became first-rate. So I said I'd go along with his plan for revenge."

"You what?"

"I feel for him. I have an affinity for him. He struggled hard to get back at his tormentor. I struggled hard to be a success against the world. So he is going to have revenge on Tsubaki and I'm going to enjoy watching."

Something here didn't feel right.

"I don't get you."

"He and I are like allies in a war."

"What are you on about? It's nothing of the kind. He's not like you. He's an obsessed loser with a huge chip on his shoulder who thinks two wrongs make a right. He's not improved himself like you did in order to succeed in the world, he did it for one reason only. To hurt his tormentor. I can't agree with that. That's bullshit. That's no way to live. The guys a worse case now than he was before. This sucks. I'm sorry Yukino…"

I found I was standing up, her pale face and her eyes round, looked up at me in surprise.

"Please don't compare yourself to him. You and he are nothing alike. He's everything that's wrong, improving himself for the wrong reasons. Not like you at all. Don't you get it?"

She sat there.

"Well?" I asked.

"Uh. I think you're right. Just like Maho."

"What? What about Maho?"

"Uh. Oh, nothing."

What was this?

"What about Maho, Yukino. What did she say?"

"Gomen. I can't say, gomen."

And the girl I never thought I'd ever see run away from anything ran off.

I stood there, puzzled. What about Maho?

Tsubaki had been a class one bitch when she was younger. She bullied someone mercifully, had made their life hell.

I went back, went back through the years and the seasons, the dirt and the heartache to the time I was twelve, thirteen, fourteen. The hiding, the crying, the running away and being chased and taunted.

"Fatt-ee Ryu-sa-kee! Stink-ee Ryu-sa-kee!" the taunts followed me home, the stones they'd throw would sting my back and bruise my legs, cut me until blood flowed.

They would kick and kick and kick at the locked washroom cubicle door. Threatening me with a beating when they got in. They would urinate into plastic bags and throw them over the cubicle partition. They would set fire to papers and throw those over.

And I would go insane with fear and despair, screaming and screaming at the door, at the walls, at my tormentors.

They would go away but I wouldn't hear them and I would carry on screaming until blood came from my raw throat and the teachers were outside shouting at me to calm down.

YOU FUCKING BASTARD.

The worst three years of my life. My young life, a time when I should have been enjoying myself, growing up, delighting in the changes nature was causing in my body and in my heart. I should have enjoyed learning. I wasn't stupid. I'd been a bright kid.

I should have been discovering boys and discovering love. Instead, bullying had driven me to the brink of despair.

Why do children bully? Why do they do that? They have no idea what damage they are doing.

I threw my head back and screamed at the sky.

"YOU FUCKING BASTARD!"

"I'M FREE OF YOU NOW!"

"I'M FREE. YOU WON'T EVER TOUCH ME AGAIN!"

"FUCKER!"

I sat down, weeping onto the grass.

Tsubaki. You stupid child. Why? How could you? I like you so much. We're not that close but I like you. I like you a lot.

And yet… why did you do that to someone? You had no idea did you? Old enough to hurt, but not old enough to know.

The world was a fucked up cruel place.

I couldn't sympathize with her.

She may as well have bullied me. Hurled her own piss over me. Left me screaming and stinking with fear and hate and self-pity.

Bullying isn't a joke Tsubaki.

And nor am I.

Yet could I let him do this back to her?

This revenge he planned.

Sure, I'd hated. My soul had burned with hate and loathing for years. It still did, I'm not ashamed to admit it.

It did still.

But I had learned to turn it aside, to let it go and to move on.

I knew what I wanted from life. I would go and get it. I was going. I was getting it.

Fixating on my tormentor like Tonami had for three years for the sole purpose of revenge was just.

Wrong.

Twisted.

I realized I was breathing hard, gasping in sheer bloody anger at these stupid people.

I had no sympathy for Tsubaki.

And little for Tonami.

But he was the one to talk to and try and end this stupidity.

I'd hated the person who'd ruined my life. I'd hated the people who'd bullied me. But revenge wasn't in my vocabulary. I'd turned away from them and that and dragged myself out of the pit for the sole purpose of having a better life.

Perhaps coming to Hokuei was my first act of fixing what was broken. Perhaps Neanderthal Knuckle Dragger me was the shadow of what I hoped to become. I was broken and back then, last year had perhaps been the first attempt to improve my life.

The people who bullied me had been mere stupid thugs. Dimwits whose sole joy in life was venting their anger on a bigger loser than they were. I'd somehow worked out even then that if I tried hard and got into the best school I could, I would get away from them.

Move on.

Move up.

Leave them and their dimwitted gorilla attitude behind in the dust.

I stood up.

I felt good.

No, I felt great. I'd made a discovery about myself.

My Kadai ranking had cheered me up no end.

And now for the second time this week I'd had a great feeling about myself.

And you know, it's true.

What they say.

Good things come in threes.

The last good thing would come right at the end of the week.

- - - oOo - - -

It was late at night and I was in bed.

The phone rang.

It rang and rang. I hadn't been asleep, I had just put a book down and was floating off and really would rather do that than tell someone they'd got the wrong number but in the end I dragged myself out.

I was alone, fortunately, Asapin was elsewhere tonight.

I never enquired where he went and what he did and who he saw.

I actually wasn't interested.

I had been curious early on but had told myself that if you start thinking those things it leads to possessiveness and jealousy and that means love.

So I didn't enquire and after a passage of time didn't want to.

I was cool with whatever he did with his privacy.

"Moshimoshi."

"Kanahrin, it's Yukino."

More and more of my friends were using my pet name. It was nice. I liked that.

I had arrived.

"Yukinon. Yowza. Need some help with the math problems?"

She chuckled.

"Nope. The day I need your help with math will be the day I jump off the Tokyo Tower. No, I've been thinking…"

"Ah. Sounds bad. Should I go sit down?"

"Nothing like that. Arima and I haven't set a wedding date yet."

"Okay, I'm sitting, what is it?"

"Aya's play."

"Oh, yes? Been having a read?"

"Hm. Tomorrow I'll photocopy it and give you and Maho and Tsubasa copies."

"Thanks, but that's not necessary, I'll just skim through Aya's copy when you're done with it."

"That won't work for rehearsing our lines."

"Ah, gomen? What? Did you say rehearsing? Why would we do that?"

"Practice. For when we do the play."

"Gomen, I'm half asleep. I'm not following you."

"Listen to this. 'At times I don't even know myself. Perhaps, by some strange chance I'm an android too? Maybe someone turned me into a machine when I was in that accident. Maybe I'm the only one who still thinks I'm human. Thinking such thoughts, I cut my wrists numerous times. I'm even suspicious of the androids that are absolutely loyal. Suspicion. Doubt. Jealousy. Self-defence. Prejudice. A sense of superiority. Self-consciousness. Arrogance. Oh, the ones who have learned their inferiority are not the androids, but their very creator! I love you androids from the very bottom of my heart. And I hate you so much that I can't stand it.'

"I saw it Sakana, suddenly, like in a dream – a beautiful soul and a dirty soul. The normal life of this Doctor before becoming a genius and the tortured life after becoming a genius. The lifelike in this play and the cool in it. Maho's character is so cool. It's exactly her. The Doctor, always agonizing, being torn apart by opposites. Damn It Sakana, I'm beginning to think we should do this!"

"Those were lines from the play?"

"Hm, lines my character speaks. I've read it right through. Sigh, your character is really interesting too, she's really mixed up and confused and trying to find love, but half machine and half human it's messy. I think you'd like it."

It sounded a little close to home to me.

"Well, let me read the script then."

And so it continued, so the thing slowly gained momentum. Perhaps Aya wasn't stupid, perhaps once we'd seen it and read it she knew we'd want to do it.

- - - oOo - - -

And finally, the next day, a chemistry lesson. I was walking with Maho from the chem. lab back to our homeroom. We weren't talking, or if we were it wasn't about anything much. Just two friends shuffling mindlessly between classes, coasting in neutral.

Two people came along the corridor towards us. It was Tonami and Tsubaki.

Both wore deep painful scowls, teeth gritted, jaws set. Hands balled into fists. They marched side by side along the corridor.

"Hey," Tonami turned to her, "quit walking next to me. The hallway gets narrower when you're around."

"Why should I give way to you?" Tsubaki retorted staring at the ground, "I'm heading this way too, so get out of my way."

"Move it."

"No, you move it."

They stared at each other, the pain of being next to the other was obvious. I waited for the fists to fly.

"Man," he said, "I wish I was walking next to a cuter girl."

"I'd rather be walking with a girl too."

They passed us and their mutterings continued until they reached the corner and turned out of sight.

We watched the space in the air where they'd been.

"They're in love."

I turned to Maho. Her face was deadpan, she was looking back in the direction they'd gone.

"What?"

"It's obvious, look how much she hates him. So it's obvious she loves him. You can't have such strong feelings towards someone without them holding a place in your heart."

I stared at her. She sighed and turned to me. With one slender delicate finger she tucked her hair back behind her ear.

"What're you looking at?"

"Uh."

"What?" she gave a small smile, "Afraid I'll stop hating you? C'mon, your favourite subject, classical Japanese is starting. You don't want to be late."

As she turned and took a step, her hand came against my elbow and guided me away.

- - - oOo - - -

And that was the third of three.

I don't know what it was about that comment that caused me to fly, but it did.

Something.

Something in her face, her voice, her eyes.

I'd seen this face, heard that voice, drowned in those eyes so many times.

Nothing about them was different.

Yet everything was.

Her hand.

On my elbow.

Warm and gentle.

And for a moment, the briefest and tiniest of delightful moments.

It had squeezed me there before it fell away.

- - - oOo - - -

09 July 2007

For author notes about Chapter Fifty Three, please see my forum (click on my pen name).