Love – Part Two Vol. 2 (or there is no I in fuck up)

October 6th 2000 (or when Arya looked at Gendry's journal)

The Young Girl

"What ya doin'?" Gendry asked from behind her and she fought back a squeal. If he were to just get up and look over her shoulder it might be the end of everything. Damn stupid curiosity Arya cursed at herself. I'm like a cat - curiosity as never done anything good for me.

"Nothing…" she nonchalantly answered and slid the notebook back into his backpack. Please tell me he didn't notice. Arya began to panic as every possible terrible outcome flashed before her eyes. Gendry had mentioned a few times that he had a journal, but had never showed it to her. Then again that was the point of a journal, that it was private. He had just caught her going through his journal he might dump her right on the spot. Why shouldn't he? I totally just violated all the trust we have.

"Nothing?" Gendry asked. His tone was playful and thankfully not angry. "Cus it looked like you were going through my backpack." When she looked at him he didn't seem upset, which was a good sign. He was still laying down with his only his head propped up a little and he was giving her that stupid grin of his.

"Maybe a little," Arya coyly answered and crawled back to his side. "I was curious what you had in there." Act causal, act causal, she repeated over and over again to herself. If he does says anything about it just say you're sorry. Don't even try to defend yourself, just say it was stupid and you're sorry. You have no legs to stand on. Fuck – I hope he didn't notice...I hope he didn't notice.

"So you just went through it?"

"Well…" she scrambled for a lie, any lie that would satisfy Gendry. "You've been talking about you're drawing…your sketches…and I wanted to see them." Looking for his sketch book was still 'not cool' but was hardly the cardinal sin that reading his journal would be.

"Well," Gendry sat up and chuckled. "In some cultures, when one person wants something they usually ask for it."

"That's so boring though," she scoffed, trying to remain relaxed, trying to stay normal, hoping he would go to his death bed thinking she was just looking for this sketch book. Please believe me. Please fucking believe me. I don't want to apologize but I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have…I shouldn't have.

"Fine," Gendry rolled his eyes and hoisted himself out of bed. Arya noticed that when he reached in his backpack he took out his sketchbook, subtly placed his journal in the back of the bag, and joined her back on the bed. That wasn't exactly a good sign, but it wasn't bad either. After grabbing his sketch book he rejoined her on the mattress. "Now…you don't have to tell me they suck."

"They won't suck," Arya sighed and rolled her eyes. She had to act normal. He didn't notice so she had to go own like she hadn't just read his most personal thoughts. "Saying you suck isn't as cute as you think it is."

"Then why does it work so well on you?" he asked and he still wasn't annoyed.

"Shut up," she shot back. That's what she normally do if everything was normal. Which it was…totally.

"So, here it is," Gendry handed her the black leather clad book. The book dwarfed the petite sized journal in size and Arya needed both hands to hold it. She was brimming with excitement as she opened the book. He was always so weird and protective about this work. Somehow though it seemed a little too good. She had just poured through his journal and she was rewarded by seeing his sketch book his second most private book. It all seemed too good.

It was too good to be true though and she was less than pleased when she opened the book and saw the first portrait. "You drew Sansa?" Arya immediately asked when she saw Sansa's light blue eyes staring back at her. Of course he drew Sansa, he theoretically wants to date her.

"Yeah," Gendry causally shrugged. "The prof suggested we draw someone we knew and had access to and…Sansa was willing."

Well, yeah, she was willing, she had…has…a huge crush on you. Goddamn Sansa…do you have to have a crush on Gendry? "Did it have to be Sansa?" Arya groaned.

"Arya…" Gendry lightly sighed. "I asked her and she said yes…I told you about this last year. You said it was no big deal."

"Ohh…yeah…you did…" she sighed and remembered him telling her that. At the time her paranoia and stupid separation anxiety were actually near a breaking point, but she didn't want him to know that. She wanted to be the cool girlfriend who was okay with her boyfriend drawing a portrait of her hot older sister. The only problem was she wasn't, but she didn't want to be that crazy-jealous-overprotective girlfriend. It was hard to disguise her grimace as she saw her sister in Gendry's book.

"What?" Gendry groaned.

"What?" Arya pointedly shot back.

"You have that look."

"What look?"

"That look," he pointed to her face. "That 'my sister makes me gag look."

"I don't have a look," she stonely told him.

"Yeah, you do."

"No, I don't have a look," she repeated and glared at her sister's face in Gendry's book.

"Arya. Nothing ever happened with me and Sansa. Nothing at all. And, for the record, I would have gladly drawn your portrait but you were about two hundred miles away."

"Yeah, I know, nothing happened with her," she sighed. She was supposed to be the cool girlfriend who wasn't painfully paranoid and that girl would be cool with this all. Sansa's portrait was excellent; he drew her with her hair down and some strands of red hair draped over her shining blue eyes.

She took a final glance at Sansa and starting to flip through the book until she landed upon her own face. "You did me too?" she asked and started to turn through page after page of images of herself.

"Yeah," he sheepishly smiled. "Most of it was just from memory…so they probably aren't that good."

"Gendry, stop it," she flicked her wrist and swatted him on the chest. "I'll make this so simple even you can understand it. You draw good." He shrugged, but she saw a smile crawl across his face. After a few portraits of herself one sketch grabbed Arya's attention. It was a portrait of both Arya and Sansa, one half of the half being Sansa's the other half being Arya. "What the hell?" Arya asked. She wasn't upset, it actually was probably the best sketch she had seen so far, but it was odd.

"Ohh, yeah that…" Gendry awkwardly began. "After drawing Sansa a bunch, and then you, I realized that even though you're sisters you have almost completely different faces. Different noses, different cheeks, vastly different eyes."

"Vastly different?"

"Yeah. Different shape, different color, and different intensity. Sansa's eyes are really calm and yours are intense…fiery."

"And which do you prefer?" Arya asked. It was a cliché loaded girlfriend 'trap' question, but she was okay with that.

"Do I have to make a choice?" Gendry asked and Arya squinted her 'fiery' eyes at him. "I love your eyes," he chuckled. "You and her…does everything need to be a competition?" he asked. "Do you have to have better eyes than her?"

"No. But, you have to think mine are better," she told him. He just shook his head in bemusement. Arya shoved him a little and she continued flipping through the pages.

Further in the book came some more fantasy sketches. There was a black mage from Final Fantasy, a young boy with a monkey's tail fighting a green demon in a turban, and some surprisingly sexy lady-orcs battling a group of busty purple elves. It was pure nerd-boy-fantasy, except for the faces, which were very familiar. "Did you make me an orc? And you made Sansa an elf?"

"Yep," Gendry chuckled and turned the page. The orc and elf were locked in mortal combat, the orc wielding a mighty battle axe, the elf a slim slender steely rapier.

"Did I have to be an orc?" Arya whined. Even though the orc was rather curvy, she had crimson eyes and gruesome yellow teeth. Did he have to make me a green skinned monster?

"What?" he snorted. "The orc won." Gendry turned the page again and the orc stood over her vanquished foe, her battle axe sticking out of the elves' back. "Not to mention I draw a better orc."

"I guess," Arya sighed and decided to let that one go. On further pages were more sketching delving into nerdom – Plumbers bouncing on turtles, blue robot men busting plasma at wily scientists, and a boy in green trying master his courage and save the day. Also, some doodles of Samus from Metroid.

"Ohh, hey, before you get there I should tell you…" Gendry started as Arya landed on one particular page and Arya's eyes widened at the sight.

"Is that me…naked?" she asked. It was a rough sketch, done lightly in pencil with minimal detail, but it was certainly her. She was laying her side, curled around a pillow, her eyes closed, apparently sleeping in the nude.

"Ummm…yeah…" Gendry sighed. "Remember a couple weeks ago when we had your room alone for the night? You know, that Sansa went to that party?"

"Yeah…" Arya slowly answered, not seeing what that had to do with the drawing, although she did remember the monkey sex and Sansa walking in on them both in their underwear. Well, she learned to give us an estimate of when she'll be back.

"We knew she wasn't going to back until late, so after we were done fooling around you fell asleep on the mattress…" he patted the mattress they were on. "I went to the bathroom and when I came back I saw you laying here…and…I don't know, just wanted to draw you."

"That is the sweetest and creepiest thing you've ever said," she sighed. "But, I don't know if I feel comfy with naked pictures of me in your book."

"Don't worry, this is my personal book. Stuff I turn in for classes or that I normally show people I do in my other book."

"But, you showed it to me," Arya pointed it out.

"I showed it to you because you asked," he smiled. "No one else has ever looked at this book. At least to my knowledge. I don't show people this book."

"Really?" Arya felt her voice hop an octave as she spoke.

"Yep, you're the only one."

Arya's heart fluttered before she reminded herself of how close she came to fucking up their entire relationship. He would have freaked out if he saw me reading his journal. But, he didn't, and all was right with the world. So, she decided to move past what she did and what she saw as they both laid back down. "Have a good night?" she purred into her chest.

"Yeah…I really missed you."

"Did you miss me or the things you did to me?" It was a loaded questions, but she was just teasing.

"Both," he chuckled. "My roommate spent far too much time in the room. I could never find fifteen minutes to myself…" he mumbled as he thought of the proper euphemism, "…and master my domain."

"What? You can't master your domain in the shower?"

"I never master my domain in the shower. That's freaking dangerous."

"I thought all guys mastered their domain in the shower. I know I was queen of the county several times in the bathtub last year." Although I do regret that time I forgot lock the door and mom walked in on me. I should have yelled 'I'm panting because I'm having an asthma attack! And that purple buzzing thing between my legs is my inhaler!'

"Yes, in the bathtub, when you were sitting down. In the shower you're standing up, and floor is slick, and you might fall and brake your dick."

"I think that's a Dr. Seuss line…"

"I much prefer my penis unbroken. I'll just find time when I'm alone to master my domain."

"Do you still master your domain? Even with me on campus?"

"Uhh," he groaned and his eyes darted up in thought. "Actually, no I haven't. I haven't jerked off once since you got to campus.

"Good," she said under her breath. She didn't care if he jerked off, but it gave her a small swell of pride to know he was fully satisfied with her.

"How did we get to this topic anyway?" he asked.

"I don't know," she chuckled. "I think I asked you if you had a good day."

"And we just started talking about masturbation?" he asked with a chuckle.

"I think so."

They spent most of the rest of the night talking. About school, about their shit jobs on campus, about Sansa and Eddie, about their parents. About everything and anything that came to their mind. As the sun peeked through the curtains early the next morning they finally drifted to sleep. "I love you," Gendry muttered to her before passing out.

"Love you too," she mumbled and joined him in slumber.

October 31st 2008 (or the morning after Arya kicked Gendry out of bed)

Mrs. Arya Stark

The events of last night still swirled in her mind. All she wanted was her husband back, her sex life back, her marriage back. She thought she was ready to let go of all that rage she had and all she wanted to indulge in his flesh. But, his flesh was floppy and limp, completely useless to her. Whatever hopes she had were dashed as she fondled her husband's flaccid penis.

She didn't remember what she said, but she remembered bringing up that slut. And that's when he stood up for Her. 'Don't call her a slut,' he said. It wasn't enough that he couldn't get hard for his wife, he had the fucking gall to defend that fucking slut. His fucking slut. The rest was a blur; she yelled, and screamed, and then banished them from the bedroom. She rolled to her side and cried herself to sleep.

As Arya Stark awoke that morning from uneasy dreams, she felt like a total cunt. The dreams were conducted by that small bitch in her mind that wanted her to be reasonable. After Gendry left that part re-emerged and began to grow in size. By the time she awoke that morning all she could hear was that terrible, cruel, reasonable part of herself.

Do you really think he didn't want to get it up? You woke him up in the middle of night, well he was heavily medicated before a crazy stressful date at work, and when he didn't instantly respond you flipped the fuck out. This has nothing to do with Bella. He still loves you and this sort of shit happens to men when they are stressed.

The voice grew the loudest when she heard Gendry wander into their room. Her back was turned to him but she heard him quietly gathered some clothes and tiptoe out the room. You go apologize to him. You go tell him it wasn't his fault, you still love him, and you're sorry for being a major cooze.

She didn't move though. The voice was loud, but the resentment she had at it, and him, and everyone else was louder. She laid in bed for another twenty or so minutes, Gendry quietly moving around the apartment in the background, that little bitch loudly filling the foreground. Go tell him you're sorry. Go do it. You want to make things better? You wanted to last night, and when it didn't work you went all psycho on him. Now GO TELL HIM YOU'RE SORRY.

Arya relented to the little bitch and threw the covers off of her. The apartment was eerily quiet as he trudged towards the kitchen. Normally Gendry watched some news in the morning as he enjoyed some breakfast, but this particular morning it was just a deafening silence. She found Gendry fully dressed, even wearing a solid black tie, sitting at the kitchen table with a bowl of cereal and cup of coffee, and it was clear he hadn't touched either.

"Hey," she said. Gendry didn't respond to her greeting and she didn't know what else to say. "How's…it going?" she meekly mumbled.

"Okay," he lied, "kinda sleepy."

"The guest bed wasn't comfy?" Arya asked.

"It was okay. Just…couldn't get back to sleep I guess…" After Gendry finished his thought he grabbed his coffee and cereal, dashed into the kitchen to dispose of them both.

"Gendry," Arya followed. "I wanna talk about last night. I'm sorry about the way that happened. I know you didn't mean too…" she trailed off.

"I don't wanna talk about it," Gendry stopped her. "It's okay, you had every right have me sleep in the guest room if you wanted me to."

"I still shouldn't have kicked you out in the middle of the night before you're fucking yearly review."

"It's okay Arya…"

"No it isn't!" Arya yelled back. "Be angry! You should! I know I am!"

"Arya," Gendry kept his tone solemn and calm. "We can talk about this tonight…okay...I just want to get through today," he looked at the clock on the microwave, "and I have to get going now."

"Fine," she grumbled. She didn't want this hanging over her the rest of the day, but if she had to, so be it. Before he left she wrapped her arms around his neck and gave him a tight hug. "Good luck," she whispered.

"Thanks," he replied and quickly afterward he exited the apartment.

The silence returned with gusto and she felt naked against the emptiness. She fled to the bedroom and into their closet. She wished Gendry was still there, because the box she wanted was on the top shelf, and she need to stand on her tippy-ist of toes to reach it. She finally pulled out the large cardboard box and heaved it onto their bed. When she opened it she was meet a hint dust and musky odor stale. She started to pull out old clothes, jeans that didn't fit, T-Shirts that they didn't wear anymore, until she came upon her precious. At the bottom of the box was her favorite red sweater, although she hadn't worn it in over two years. Gendry put it in this box a few months ago saying she never really wore it anymore so he thought he'd just store it away. It enraged her at the time, but she since then she never tried to retrieve her sweater. She hadn't had the time.

She slipped the big red hoody over her shoulders and breathed in everything she could. It was stale, and it was old, and it was dirty, but it still had the smell she loved. That old smell of Gendry's old house and the detergent his mom used. She hadn't smelled that in years and heart ached when she realized she how much she missed in.

Now with the hoody on, but still in her pajamas, she crawled back into bed and cocooned herself in the comforter. Wrapped in aroma of the past she let her mind sprint to happier, far more simple times. Times playing stupid video games on Gendry's couch. He actually owned the console so he'd usually win, but sometimes she'd pull an upset. (? Not sure if upset was the right word or not, just checking incase.) She always suspected he let her win sometimes, but she was okay with it. She remembered wearing this same red sweater and screaming at her mother, demanding that she let Arya go see Gendry at college. She was eighteen, she was an adult, she could go see Gendry she argued, but Cat heard none of it. Back then just being apart from him ripped at her heart, and now no matter where he was, she still felt a rip in her chest. It was like there was a dull weight all over her body, one that no matter how hard she pushed, she could not move. Or maybe she didn't want to move it. In bed she was in the past, the worry-free-times where the big problems were sneaking away to make-out and trying to find ways to jimmy open her father's liquor cabinet. The real world was so heavy, but the past was so light and fluffy.

The rest of the day passed by like that. She only got out of bed once, when her bladder forced her at urine point. Hunger didn't bother her though and she didn't feel like eating. She just wanted the bed and her sweater. There she didn't think about their problems, and her part in it. She just thought about seventeen-year-old Gendry, awkward and eager, who never did anything wrong.

His voice awoke her later. "Arya," he said and nudged her cocoon.

"Huh? You home for lunch?"

"It's five," Gendry pointed his head towards the clock next to her bed. Son of a bitch, she thought. He shedded his work attire as she got out of bed.

"How was your day?" she asked.

"Pretty good," he smiled, for the first time in a while. "My review went better than expected."

"Good," Arya returned the smile out of reflex, but she instantly missed the bed. Even with the sweater the world was cold and when Gendry whipped open the drapes the world became painfully bright.

"Did you spend all day in bed? You sick?" Gendry asked. He seemed far less awkward then this morning, but based on twitchy hands he was working on a tank of coffee and adrenaline, and he was running on fumes now.

"No, I'm just…tired I guess."

"Want some dinner?" Gendry asked.

"Sure," she shrugged. She still wasn't hungry but she knew she had to eat and that Gendry would pester her if she didn't.

About an hour later, still in her hoody and pajamas, she sat in front of a plate with two beef tacos and a small side salad. The tacos looked crunchy and zesty, the salad was crisp and fresh, but to her it was all just a bland mix. "Is it good?" Gendry asked as she spent more time staring and poking at her food than eating it.

"Yeah, it's fine…" she mumbled and forced another mouthful of taco. "So...work went well?"

"Yeah," he did and his worried look was replaced with a sly grin. "Better than I expected."

"Good…" Arya shrugged. "Did you want to talk about last night?"

The grin evaporated from his face. "Not really…but, I guess…" he trailed off.

"Anything you want to say?" she asked.

"Yes…" he chuckled, "…no…I don't know. I don't know much of anything anymore."

"You didn't know much of anything to being with," Arya joked, but her playful barb landed painfully based on the look on his face. "I'm sorry, about everything. I shouldn't have tried anything last night. It was stupid."

"No, it wasn't," Gendry stopped her. "It just didn't go according to plan. I don't know what to do…I don't think this is working."

She did not like the way he phrased that thought. "What? You mean everything?"

"I mean…trying to act like things normal…" he shrugged. "It isn't."

"What do you think we should do?"

"Well," he took a deep breath, "Maybe if we just gave each other some space. I'll stay in the guest room this weekend and we'll just try to give each other some space…I guess."

"I guess," Arya weakly nodded. She had no idea if it was a good idea, but he was right about this not working. The food in front of her was unappealing so she threw her napkin on it in defeat. "I think I'm going to go to bed."

He looked concerned at her lack of appetite, but he just nodded. "I love you."

"Love you too." She plodded back into the bedroom and spent the rest of the night in her cocoon.

The weekend was one of the most bizarre experiences in her life. Even though they were in the same apartment, Gendry and Arya were on different worlds. She heard him sneak into their bedroom to get some clothes Saturday morning. Swaddled in the comforter she didn't want to move. She stayed in bed until her stomach finally growled loud enough to coax her out of her warmth. The apartment was dimly light and again was covered in absolute silence. On the kitchen table was a note from Gendry:

Went to work out. Didn't wanna wake you. I have my phone if you need anything.

A moment of anger shot through her, knowing that it was at the parking lot of that gym that he kissed Her, and that to Arya's knowledge that slut still used that gym. Arya tried to push her paranoid thoughts out and warmed up some leftovers. It was still bland and she could only get a few spoon full down until she wanted to head back to bed.

"Still in bed?" she heard Gendry ask a few hours later, a few more hours than she expected him to be out. She wasn't asleep, but she wasn't awake either. She was just there.

"What does it look like?" she told her him but didn't leave her cocoon.

"That you're still in bed," he groaned. "Sorry I asked."

"Why were you out so long?" she asked.

"After I worked out I went the store…drove around a bit."

"Why?"

"Wanted to clear my head."

"Oh," she grunted and nestled her head deeper into the pillow. She expected him to say something, but a moment later she heard him exit the bedroom. Arya spent the rest of Saturday in bed. She heard Gendry moving around the apartment, the buzz of TV in the living room, some sizzling in the kitchen later in the evening, and then some quiet rumblings as he settled into bed. She didn't move, but she didn't sleep. She just spent the day thinking about what she once had with Gendry and tried to not focus on what she may have lost.

Sometime Sunday morning she again had to yield to her bodily needs. The red sweater, that was stale a few days ago, now was coated in Arya's unique odor. She had considered taking a shower, or changing clothes, but that took effort that she didn't have. And that was life for a few days for Arya Stark. Sunday morning she got out of bed for twice, both times to go to the bathroom and get a pop-tart, which she ate back in bed.

On Monday, with Gendry away at work Arya took to the living room. She cocooned on the couch and enjoyed the luxury of television. A few of her law books sat on the coffee table and for a second she thought cracking one open, but it was a fleeting moment without any energy behind it. Around four she knew Gendry would be home soon so she skulked back to the bedroom. She heard him come in, but besides quickly changing his clothes and asking if she was okay, there was no contact.

Things changed on Tuesday. After spending a day with minimal activity, Gendry spoke with her when he got home. "What did you have for lunch?" he asked the lump in the bed.

"Peanut butter," she grunted.

"You mean a peanut butter sandwich?"

"No. Just peanut butter," she answered and only after she said it out loud realized how freaking depressing that sounded.

"I'm going to make some tomato soup. Want some?"

"…no, I'm good."

"Arya…" he gritted his teeth as he said her name and held back frustration. "You need to eat an actual meal."

"I thought we were staying out of each other's way," she spitefully reminded him.

He took a deep breath. "I'm going to make some soup for dinner. I hope you come and have some." She didn't answer and he left the room. He hates tomato soup, she thought. Why was he even making it? It was just another stupid gift. Another stupid olive branch. She was still angry at him but her stomach was hungrier. Stupid stomach. She gave in and wandered to the kitchen.

"It's not done yet?" Arya asked as she plopped down at the table.

"Almost." Gendry popped his head out of the kitchen. A few minutes later a fresh bowl of boiling tomato soup and a golden brown grilled cheese were placed in front of her. He didn't say anything, just slipped into the chair next to her.

Neither said anything, just enjoyed the soup. Most of all Arya. It was zesty and thick. Hands down the best soup she had ever had.

"This is really good. Campbell's really upped their game."

"It isn't Campbell's," he didn't look up as he spoke. "Homemade."

"You made this?"

"Yep," he shrugged. "No big deal."

"You hate tomato soup though."

"You like it. It's a simple recipe."

"Did you just learn it?" she asked, assuming this was another olive branch and the soup grew less tasty in her mouth.

"No," he shook his head.

"When did you learn it then?" she pushed more.

"A few months ago…" he causally said, "around your birthday."

"Why didn't you tell me?" she pointedly asked.

"Never came up…" he shrugged, still not really engaging in the conversation.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she repeated.

"You never asked."

"I didn't know," she growled under her breath and defiantly put down her spoon. "Why didn't you tell me you learned to make it?"

"'Cus…" his teeth again gritted as he spoke, "I was going to tell you on your birthday. I was going to fucking make you the soup for a birthday dinner."

"Why didn't you?"

"You weren't here!" his voice finally raised and he finally let some emotion show. "You were supposed to be home for dinner, but you weren't home until after midnight. After work and after you had a few birthday shots with Tyrion."

"Ohh…yeah…" she mumbled as she remembered that night. She spent more time at work than she planned. She and Tyrion ended up ordering Chinese and splitting some twenty-year-old scotch he had in his desk. Sansa wasn't that happy to drop off Arya's drunk ass that night and Gendry wasn't that happy when his wife strolled in at two in the morning. "Sorry," Arya weakly uttered.

"Don't be," he took a deep breath. "I didn't want to get into that."

They finished the meal in silence. It wasn't awkward, at least not as awkward as it could be.

"Done?" Gendry asked when she was finished and reached for her bowl. He had been clearing the table the last month or so, on top of cooking, and general making sure their apartment didn't fall apart. Like he had been doing for the last year.

"Yeah," she picked up her bowl before he could grab it. Together they went into the kitchen and cleaned up. She couldn't remember how long it had been since she had done dishes. She used to do them nearly every night and now this was the first time in like a month or so. Maybe ten times in the last year…no more than twenty. It bummed her out that she didn't know how many times. Like spoonful of peanut butter level bummed.

They spent the rest of the night together. They talked a little, but Arya didn't have much to say, her life had been a little dull lately. Besides talking about how 'rock bottom' might be eating peanut butter straight from the jar, she didn't have much to add. Gendry talked about work. It'd been busy lately, but he had a smile and a little glint on his eyes. It was better than he was telling her, but she couldn't figure out why. He went to bed around ten, still in the guest bedroom, but he told her good night before heading off to bed. That night when she bed she took off her sweater and threw it in the hamper. It was getting rather gnarly.

Things reassembled normal on Wednesday. Arya was out of bed at seven and gave Gendry a kiss goodbye that morning. Until her lips grazed the stubble on his face did she realize how much she missed kissing him.

She spent the morning studying for the first time in a couple days. As she went through page after page she felt her brain begin to melt and had no idea how she was going to cram all that shit in her head. She would though – no matter what. She had given up to much to not see this through to the end. She would stuff her head full of legal jargon until it hurt and she would become a lawyer, come hell or high water. However, hell came around noon when all the words on the page began to swirl into unreadable gibberish and she slammed the book shut.

Arya was a little surprised to hear his ring tone as she enjoyed some leftover tomato soup, but was happy to talk to him for a few minutes. It was short and sweet, and not at all awkward.

After lunch she went out for a walk. Only after she felt the sun kiss her pale skin did she realize that she had not been out of the apartment in five days. The cool fall wind snapped across her skin and she regretted not bringing her hoodie with her that morning. She walked around the block a few times before she popped back into the house, the brisk day ending her walk prematurely. Back in the house she grabbed her hoodie, along with an assortment of other 'heavies' and tossed them into the washing machine in the basement of their apartment building. She went back to studying and used laundry to break up the monotony.

Gendry got home from work around the time Arya was putting away some of her pants. He was a little stressed from the day and asked if she was okay with a frozen pizza for dinner. Since she didn't have anything better in mind, she was game. They dined that night on some beer that happened to be in the fridge and a 'fresh' pepperoni pizza. Arya went on and on about her studies, excited to have someone to talk to about all the things she read about that day. Gendry smiled and nodded, probably unable to or not exactly interested in all the little details Arya got into, but he at least appeared a little interested.

After dinner Gendry went into the bedroom and returned with a black notebook. He plopped it down on the kitchen table and sat down to write. He was trying to be casual, trying to look like he wasn't looking at her, making sure she wasn't paying attention to him.

"What're ya doing?" Arya asked.

"Just…writing…"

"Journaling?"

"Yeah," he groaned. He was being noticed and did not like it. In fairness maybe he wanted to get noticed, he was writing at the kitchen table. Not exactly subtle.

"Oh, okay," she dropped the subject. She picked up the laptop and tried to pay him no attention. She heard him go back to writing.

Twenty or so minutes later he stopped his writing and joined her on the couch. She adjusted the laptop and shifted her legs over his lap. They sat quietly as he rubbed her feet and she surfed the web. It was a quiet moment of bliss amongst a sea of bullshit of the last week or so.

"Hey, do you want to sleep in our room tonight?" she asked. She didn't plan on asking, but it just popped out of her mouth.

"Sure," he nodded. "Did you want to work out tonight?"

Gendry looked away as her eyes snapped to the journal and he didn't notice. "No, I think I'm good."

"I think I'm going to go." He got off the couch and headed to bed to change. Once he was out of the room her eyes again glued themselves to the journal. It was just sitting there on the kitchen table. He used to hide it from her, but now it was just there.

"I'll be back in like an hour or so," she heard him say coming down the hall. Her eyes darted away from the precious book and to him.

"Oh, okay," she shrugged and tried her hardest not to look at notebook. He kissed her on the cheek and for a moment seemed to notice how weird she was acting. She gave the most charming smile she could and he seemed to buy it.

The moment she heard the door slam she vaulted off the couch. This is stupid, this is really stupid. She didn't listen though. It was all too tempting. All to perfect. He'd be gone for an hour, she'd feed the terrible curious beast within her, and she'd actually know what was bouncing around that vault that was her husband's mind.

There wasn't much of the vault on the pages. There were only a few pages of scribbled notes dating back a week. In fact the first date was the day after he failed to raise to the occasion.

Last night may have been the worst night of my entire life. That's kind of fucked up considering I've had nights where my father left me and nights when I melted down and got kicked out of strip clubs. But, no, apparently my worst night is the night my dick doesn't work. Still not sure what the fuck is up that. Actually I know what's up – not my dick.

But, what's even worse is Arya kicked me out of bed. Not that I don't deserve it, I guess, but I thought we were doing better. I know we haven't fucked/made love since Sansa's wedding, but still, I don't get it. I guess she's still mad. Not that I can blame her, but…I don't know how to make things better. I think that's even worse than not being able to get it up. Not able to fix my own goddamn marriage that I fucked up.

"What the fuck are you doing!?" A thundering shout echoed off the walls. Arya looked up to see her husband standing in the open door away. His fists balled, his nostrils, and his gaze piercing went through her. "What the fuck!" he yelled again and closed the door behind him.

"What are you doing here?" Arya asked. It was the only thing she could think to say, but she actually did want to know.

"Forgot my iPod." Only after he said it did she notice the little black device on the kitchen table. "Get the fuck out of my journal!"

"Fine," Arya threw her hands in the backed away from the table. He rushed to the table, grabbed the journal, and began to rip out the pages.

"What the hell!?"

Gendry threw the last bits of torn paper into the trash. "There, you wanna read it, go ahead, fucking dig through the trash."

"You didn't need to…" Arya started.

"Yes! Yes I did! I was so fucking stupid to think you had changed at all."

"What?"

"I brought that home because I thought maybe you wouldn't look at it again. But, as you just proved, I was really fucking wrong!"

"I never looked at your journal!" she shot back. "I've never even seen your journal before tonight!"

"Not this one! But the first time you ever saw my journal you fucking read it!"

"No I didn't…" she trailed off as she remembered one fateful night at college, when apparently Gendry wasn't as asleep as she thought.

"Yeah, you did," Gendry lowered his voice. "You saw it one night in my backpack and you just couldn't help yourself."

"You…saw that?" He voice betrayed with a tremble as she spoke. All the guilt she had that night came rushing back.

"Of course I did!" he laughed. "I was in the fucking room! You aren't nearly as sly as you think you are."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Arya angrily asked, feeling betrayed that he hid this knowledge from her. If he was pissed at her he could have the decency to tell her. Not to mention it was just another fucking lie – at least by omission.

"I didn't tell you because I didn't want to fight. It wasn't worth it. It was stupid to even bring the damn thing around you, I should have known you couldn't help yourself."

"What the fuck does that even mean!?"

"You have to know everything…and you have to always be right. And quite frankly, you don't give a fuck about anyone's privacy, least of all mine." His voice was cold and flat as he finished. If Arya's rage flamed his anger pierced through his icy blue eyes.

"I wouldn't be so curious if you'd just fucking share!" she yelled.

"Fuck you! Don't make this about me! I've fucked up, you have every right to be pissed at me, but don't fucking pretend that going through my shit is okay!"

"If you just shared…" Arya started to say but Gendry just shook his head and turned down the hallway. "Where the fuck are you going?!"

"Bed," he growled. "If you can spend a few days in bed, I can spend a night there too." Gendry stomped into the guest room and slammed the door behind him.

"Gendry!" she yelled and pounded on the closed door. "Get back here! We aren't fucking done yet!"

"I am."

"Gendry!" she shouted and pounded harder. She slammed her fist again and again with no answer. She twisted the knob and it was locked. Gendry was truly a bastard. He knew the best way to get back at Arya was not to argue with her. She hated losing a fight, and she loved to win, but being denied an argument was the worst of all.

That was the end of the night. Arya went back to the living room and attempted to do some more studying. Surprisingly enough, she couldn't concentrate.

The Next Day

He has to come out at some point. He's been in the bathroom for like an hour. He has to come out at some point.

Arya laid in bed waiting for Gendry to reappear from the bathroom. She heard him sneak out of the guest bedroom earlier than usual, thus denying her the chance to yell at him. Clever bastard.

Gendry walked into the room, but he was a different person. He had the same eyes, the same legs, and the same tuft of black hair on his chest, but his face was naked. The black hair that circled his mouth had vanished over the night and been replaced with pasty, and freshly cut, skin.

"Did you shave off your goatee?"

"Yep."

"Gendry," Arya said and followed, but by the time she was out of bed the door slammed again. Fucker she thought and slinked back to bed. Did he really shave off his beard? Did he like, spite-shave off his beard? A few minutes later she heard the door open, heavy foot steps down the hall and then out of the apartment.

The day crawled by as she waited for him to return. She tried to distract herself, but nothing could hold her attention. Bastard, fucking spite-shaved his beard. He knew she loved the stupid beard and he shaved it off. Bastard. Bastard. Bastard.

"Hi," Gendry flatly greeted and walked past her when he got home.

"Did you really shave off your fucking beard just to spite me?" she asked. There was a lot of things she wanted to talk about, but the sheer audacity of spite shaving grabbed her attention first.

"My facial hair doesn't revolve around you," he countered and swiftly changed out of his work clothes. Normally when he ripped his pants and shirt off he badly wanted her, but now he just wanted to change into jeans and then hold up in the guest room.

"Then why the fuck did you do it?" Her teeth grinded as she asked.

"'Cus I wanted to." Now in jeans he pushed past her back to the guest room. Nimble like a fox, a fox that very badly wanted to yell at her husband, she got between Gendry and the guest room.

"No! We are fucking talking about this!"

"I don't want to," he tried to walk into the guest room but she still blocked his path. "You know, I can just move you out of the way."

"No…you won't," she sternly said. If she was stern maybe he wouldn't just pick her up and move her out of the way. She could think very heavy thoughts and he couldn't move her. "We need to talk."

"I don't need to talk at all."

"Yes you do!" she shoved him as frustration began to break through. "We can't get passed all this shit until we deal with it!"

"I don't want to deal with it like this," he growled and she could tell he was getting tempted to just move her. "I don't get off on fighting with you. Screaming at you will just leave me pissed. In a couple of days I'll be less pissed at you for totally betraying my trust and you can go back to treating me like a piñata."

"Oh, fuck you! You don't get to talk about betraying trust! You fucking cheated on me and then you fucking lied about it!"

"Yeah, I did," he groaned. "And I'm sorry…" He clearly stopped himself from going any further.

"And!" she yelled. "C'mon! What do you have to say!"

He took a deep breath and turned his cold eyes to her. "You lied so many fucking times over the last year."

"No I didn't!"

"How many times did you say you'd be home for dinner? Or said we'd do something the next night?"

She didn't say anything.

"My lie may have been bigger, but you lied a lot. And they all added up."

"You could have told me you wanted me around," she bitterly mumbled.

"I did!" he finally yelled back. "I said I missed you. I said I wanted you around. I did everything short of beg and tie you to the bed. Sorry if I didn't want be that pathetic. Can I go to my room now?" he sarcastically asked.

"Sure…" she sighed and moved out of the way. Whatever fight had been sucked out of her. Righteous fury was hard to sustain when Arya remembered she wasn't perfect. "I'm sorry," she muttered before he closed the door.

"I know. I'm sorry too." He closed behind him and she didn't see him the rest of the night.

The Next Day

What the hell was that?

Arya awoke that morning after hearing a thud and a grunt. In the bathroom she heard some rustling against the running shower. Did he fall down in the shower? She was still angry at him, but she still loved him, and wanted to make sure he wasn't dead in the shower.

"You okay?" she asked as she cracked open the bathroom door and bank of steam rolled over her face. There was no response, only further rustling. She stepped into the fog and peered into the shower. Gendry had his back to her, one hand propped up on the pale tiled shower, and his other hand was lower on his body and vigorously pumping away. "Oh," she couldn't help but stammer at the sight.

"Wha?!" Gendry cocked his head and when his eyes meet with Arya's all she saw was shame. Arya never read the 'Dear Abbey' column about what was the polite thing to say when a woman caught her husband masturbating in the shower, so she was at a loss for words. So she just left.

She sat on the bed in a daze as her mind tried to wrap around what the fuck she just saw. There had been times when for various reasons, headaches, aunt flow, just plain 'not feeling it,' that Gendry…did that. However, it was never in the shower, and he usually told her about it, or at least didn't hide it. He didn't need a permission slip or anything to…do that…but, him hiding it…just bothered her more than she expected.

"Why did you come into the bathroom?" Gendry asked when he came in the room. He sounded annoyed and confused. He was partially wet and dried off as he waited for an answer. "Well?"

"What were you doing?" Arya asked.

"Really?" he groaned. "You're going to make me say it?"

"But…you told me once you never did that in the shower," she felt pent up anger begin to seep out.

"I did? I don't remember that…but, normally I don't…" he paused and exhaled a defeated sigh, "…jerk off in the shower."

"Why?" she angrily asked. "Why did you do that?"

"What?" Gendry asked as he continued to dress. It wasn't rhetorical, he looked legitimately confused. "What are you talking about? You don't care if I jerk off. At least you haven't before."

"But, why in the shower? Why were you hiding it?"

"I don't know…I just wanted to relieve some stress before work. Is that too much to ask?"

"You can relieve all the stress you want, but why were you hiding it from me?"

"There wasn't a reason…" he finished hurriedly buttoning up his shirt. In a minute he'd be out the door if it was up to him.

"Yeah there was!" she yelled. "Just fucking tell me!"

"Arya, c'mon, just drop it."

"No! Fucking tell me!"

"Fine!" he screamed back, the loudest she had ever heard his voice. "I jerked off in the shower because I didn't want you to know. I did it because I'm currently so insecure about my penis because the other night it fucking failed me." His voice went faster and faster the more he talked. "Because I'm a fucking failure! Happy!? I'm a fucking failure. My marriage gets bad, I totally fuck it up! My dad gets cancer, I can't even talk to him. Instead of talking to you and actually making anything better I totally shut you out!" His breathing went faster as well and he couldn't keep up. "And to top it all off…if I even try to express this shit I have a fucking panic attack!"

He stumbled to the bed and sat next to Arya, his elbows on his knees as she tried to catch his breath. Oh yeah…that's why he doesn't enjoy yelling, her mind sarcastically told her. "It's okay," she told him and softly rubbed his back. "It's okay."

"No, it's not," he said in between his breaths. "I've fucked everything up. I've ruined everything…like I always do."

"Hey," she softened her tone, "you didn't fuck it up. We fucked it up."

He laughed. "There is no 'I' in fuck up."

"I guess not," Arya joined in the weak laughing.

"I don't know what to do Arya...I tried doing stuff, I tried being nice, I tried not fighting, I tried everything I could think of and nothing worked. Nothing worked…maybe I should just give up."

"No," she told him. "Don't give up. I don't want you to give up."

"What should I do then?"

"I think…" she mumbled. He had never asked, so she didn't know the answer. She didn't know what she wanted…besides a time machine to stop her from taking that job helping Tyrion. "I think you should just keep trying. Something will work."

"Great advice," he put his head in his hands.

"Hey! I'm trying!" she took some offense, but calmed herself and thought about it some more. "You've been trying to make up for what you did. Got me things, let me slack off in the house…I just want to be your wife again. I want some of what we had before. If you want to do stuff for me, I want it to really be special. I want you to be open with me." She wasn't even sure what that all meant. The words came out with her actually fully thinking it through.

"You want me to keep on trying?"

"Yes! Of course!" she shoved him. "I love you, stupid!"

"Good," he laughed. "Wanna know something funny?"

"What?"

"I almost slipped in the shower and fell down. What would have you done if you walked into the shower and I broke my dick?"

"Call 9-1-1 and try not to laugh too much," she chuckled.

They sat for another couple of minutes until Gendry left for work. She said she'd make dinner that night. She had all day to think of something for them to eat. She could defiantly think of something for them to eat.

Later that evening they enjoyed a feast of Chinese takeout. It wasn't at all awkward, Gendry even making a joke about her cooking skills. Even though she cooked, she was nice enough to clean up afterwards by throwing out the white take out containers and placing his General Tso's Chicken and her pork fried rice into Tupperware containers.

It was a quiet Friday evening for the two until around eight o'clock when Gendry disappeared into the bedroom. "What're you doing?" Arya yelled when Gendry didn't return.

"Stuff and things…" he yelled back.

"What kind of stuff and things?"

"Cool stuff and things," Gendry peeked into the living room.

"Really now?" Arya got off the couch and walked toward him.

"Hey! The stuff and things are a surprise."

"Fine," Arya relented. However, curiosity got the better of her and see peered down the hallway. She saw Gendry close the bedroom door behind him, but noticed the flickering light of candles. What's he up to? Besides slipping into the room once a morning to get some clothes he hadn't spent anytime what had more or less become Arya's room.

Ten minutes later, which was good because eleven minutes was how patient she was, Gendry yelled back into the living room. "Okay, the stuff and things are ready!"

Arya cracked open the bedroom door and was shocked at the display in front of her. The room was lit with a dozen candles, probably every candle they owned, along with a pillar of incense burning on his bedside table. The bed was stripped bare except for a single red sheet, a single pillow, and two white towels. Gendry stood in front of her, in black sweats and a black T-Shirt. "What's all this?" she asked.

"Well, since your first massage didn't go so smoothly, I decided I'd give it a shot," he shrugged and tapped the bed.

"Really?"

"Yep. So why don't you take off those clothes and get comfy." He smiled and turned away. It was odd for him to look away when she undressed, but it would had been a little awkward if he had just leered at her. She laid down on the bed and placed a towel over her ass.

"Ready," she told him.

"Okay," he said and she felt his hand began to smoothly rub up her back.

"You're pretty good at this," Arya sighed as he finger's poked up her back. They were nowhere near as good as Irri's, but his palms were warmer and he pushed down harder, and it turned out Arya really liked that.

"Thank the internet and some surprisingly helpful YouTube videos."

She settled in and enjoyed the bliss of her husband's hands. "I'm sorry," she said a few minutes later, breaking the silence. Gendry was far less chatty than Irri.

"About what?" he asked. She wasn't sure if he meant 'About what? You have nothing to be sorry about' or 'About what? There are too many things to keep track of.'

"About your journal. I really shouldn't have…why didn't you ever tell me you saw me snoop in college?"

"What good would it do?" he said. "I didn't want to fight about it. And you don't have to apologize to me. I don't deserve it."

"No. You do." She popped her head up and looked back at him. "You screwing up doesn't make my mistakes any less wrong."

"It's okay," Gendry weakly said.

"I won't do it again. I won't read your journal again."

"Sure you can keep that promise?"

"I hope so." She nestled her head in the pillow as he fingers dug at her spine. "And thank you for this. You're doing a really good job."

"Thanks…" His palms pushed firmer and his fingers dug deeper until the tingles in her back spread through her entire body. At some point she lost focus and drifted to sleep.

She awoke a few hours later. The room was dark except or a crack of light coming under the door. She was alone in the bed. Her hand reached out to where Gendry was supposed to be. His spot was usually warm to the touch, but now it was cold. Still naked, she slipped on some pajamas, and staggered out of the room. The light came from beyond the guest bedroom's door. She turned the knob and saw Gendry laid face down on the bed. Still fully clothed, it was clear he pasted out very recently, as his laptop hummed on a table in front of him. Next to the laptop sat his journal and it sat open. She reached down, took a deep breath, and closed it.

"Wasn't easy was it?" Gendry asked.

"No, it wasn't," she painfully answered.

"Enjoy the message? When you passed out I took that as a good sign."

"I did enjoy the massage," she cooed. He laid there and for the first time in an awhile she really saw him. His eyes were puffy with heavy black bags under his lids. His face was cut from the terrible job he did shaving his beard off, with cuts under his chin and red bumps on his neck. He was haggard, he was broken, and he was still her Gendry. "Hey, did you want to sleep in our bed tonight?"

"Sure," he smiled. That night she slept with her husband wrapped around her. Things were better, but not fixed. Even as she fell asleep with him she was still angry, and sad, and jealous, and so many other feelings all at once. She didn't know what they were going to do to make things better but she knew they'd figure it out. And they'd have to do it together.

AN:

Thanks again for all the reviews and favorites/follows. I write this story for me, but knowing other people enjoy it makes it all the better. I may not be able to update next week. With the holiday this week my in-laws are coming into town which is going to be...great. Totally great. For the record, I actually do like my in-laws, but I just have no fucking idea what we are going to do for three days. I don't think they would be game for marathoning Breaking Bad and playing Goldeneye like I did with some college friends a few weeks back. Anyways, I digress.

Next Time – Gendry receives great news and our couple enjoys their 'vacation' until they run into unexpected problems having their first dinner date with the 'Newlyweds.'