A/N: So good story...laptop wouldn't turn on and I had recently updated this chapter but hadn't saved it to my backup drive... So I was putting it off editing it because I wasn't happy with the original. That's why this took so long. I have now updated this chapter and am in the process of updating the others, so I should be able to update faster now. So for those people who are yelling at me for not updating, I did have a reason. If I could have updated sooner, I would have. But I have a job that pretty much takes up 99% of my time (a lot of which involves travel) and the other 1% is spent going out with my friends having fun as a way of maintaining my sanity. As much as I would love to spend my already lack of free time on updating this story, I do have other priorities. And if the chapters were already pre-written, I could have updated faster but unfortunately they weren't so I had to spend even more time for that. So for that one reader who told me that my only excuse for not updating better be that I'm dead, I would like to point out how totally inappropriate and rude that was and not in any way funny.
On a lighter note, we are slowly winding down to the end of this story! The characters have all pretty much hit rockbottom, so they can really only go up from here, right? Stay tuned to find out...
Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling.
Goodbyes on the Balcony
Chapter 49: Of Memory Lane, Classic Tales, & Early Mornings
By ByeByeBirdie
++SIRIUS++
Every single inch of my body froze as I stared up into her compassionless eyes. I blinked a few times just to ensure that this was reality and not just some uneasy nightmare. I opened my mouth to say something but found that the words wouldn't come easily. I slowly shut it as I tried to comprehend what the hell had just been said.
"You're what?" The words fell from my mouth but they seemed a million miles away.
"I'm moving back to France," she said softly.
I cringed, the second time sounding that much worse. "When the hell did you make this decision?" I croaked out, the confusion resting in my every word.
Frowning, she shook her head. "I-I don't know exactly," she murmured. "Sometime in the past day I guess."
I felt my heart skip a beat as I just stared at her, letting her words continue to sink in. "So right after I told you that I…" I trailed off, not even able to say the words aloud.
"No," she quickly argued.
Which meant yes.
"So…you're leaving. Just like that."
She frowned. "Yeah, Sirius," she said softly, offering me a curt shrug. "Just like that."
I tried not to let it bother me. I tried to pretend I was fine with her leaving. I tried to put on a smile and walk away before making a fool of myself. But something inside of me was rooted to that spot and I couldn't move.
"Why?" I asked.
"What?"
"Why are you moving back to France?" I asked with a dry tongue.
She frowned broodingly, her face filling with a mixture of regret and guilt and desperation. "There's nothing keeping me here," she said softly.
Ouch.
"I'm nearly done with the exposé – have to be considering the idiocy of fucking Malone, I have no job here, Lily's moving away, everyone else is apparently moving on to bigger and better things as they figure themselves out so now it's my turn to do the same."
Feeling slowly started to gather back inside my limbs as I stared at the regret in her eyes. "Wasn't that why you moved here in the first place?"
She slowly met my gaze and I could see the wheels physically turning around in her head. "I-I thought so, but what has it really done for me, Sirius? You said it yourself," she continued evenly. "I need to stop running and hiding. And I've been doing it ever since I ran away from France. Well it's time I go back and face all of the things I was too afraid to face four years ago."
I could only blink, trying to register that logic somewhere deep in my mind. "So…to stop running and hiding, you're going to do more running and hiding?"
"No," she whispered, shaking her head. "I'm going to go back to where it all started. I just…I think I need that."
I wasn't convinced. But maybe that was my aching heart doing the talking. "You think you need that?"
Her eyes filled with desperation. "You were the one who kept telling me I need to put the past in the past. You were finally able to do so, and now it's my turn. But I can't do that here. I have to go back to the place where the past will forever haunt me. Where I left my old friends behind without bothering to say goodbye. Where my mother only ever sought me out to ask me for money. Where I could go looking for my brother. Where everything is a reminder of the past I gave up a long time ago. All the things I wasn't able to deal with at the time. My past is buried in France, Sirius, and until I unbury it I'm never going to be able to fully be with someone who isn't Tristan."
I frowned, recognizing yet another flurry of excuses. They almost sounded good. Almost. And I certainly wish I hadn't given her so many reasons to flee. All of the reasons I had told her to stay she was now using against me. Was I the idiot or was she?
"Or you could just give me a chance now," I blurted out, cringing at the desperation in those words.
Her eyes flickered wit surprise. "I'm supposed to give the guy who slept with his best friend's girlfriend a chance?"
I flinched. I didn't bother correcting her that it was his ex-girlfriend, because it was no longer any type of justification for what transpired between myself and Lily. Nothing could justify it. I wanted to act like there was some acceptable reason for what happened, but there wasn't. I knew it even if I wanted to act like I didn't. Only took a single statement from Keegan to make me realize I really was the scum of the earth.
"No," I muttered, shaking my head. "I don't deserve a chance. Go to France, Keegan. You're better off there than here with me."
My heart now in pieces, I turned around to head back to my own apartment.
"Sirius."
I don't know why I bothered, but I glanced over my shoulder at her. "Yeah?"
She opened her mouth to say what was on her mind, but the words didn't come out. She was clearly torn with if she should say what she wanted to. And I didn't push her, because I wasn't so sure I wanted to hear anymore anyway. She had clearly made her decision and I didn't want to have to listen to her idealize it for me.
"I'm really sorry" was what she finally settled on.
I wasn't sure what I was supposed to take from that, so I merely shrugged and murmured, "Good luck with everything." It wasn't anywhere near what I really wanted to say, but telling her all the things I was desperate to wouldn't do any good. That much was clear.
She frowned. "That's it?"
I shrugged. "What more do you want me to say, Keegan?"
Her eyes grew with hesitant surprise. "I don't know. I guess I expected you to…" she trailed off.
"What? Fight for you?" I retorted candidly.
She winced, saying nothing.
"Is that what you want, Keegan?"
She remained mute.
I sighed. "I already told you everything, Keegan. I laid it all out on the line for you. I-I don't do that often. Hell, I don't do that ever. But I did it with you because for some godforsaken reason, you actually mean something to me. I don't know when it happened, but it happened. But how the hell am I supposed to fight for you anymore when the moment I told you how I felt about you, you turned around and made the decision to flee the country?"
"That's not what I'm doing," she argued desperately. "I just…I need to go, Sirius."
"To get away from me?" I blurted out.
She blinked. "What? No," she snapped. "I just…" she trailed off.
I was actually getting annoyed with her. "You just what, Keegan?"
"I don't know!" she cried out desperately, her jaw clenching. "I just…I just feel like this is what I need to do."
I frowned. "And I feel as if you're running away scared again, because that's all you've ever been good at."
She shook her head vigorously. "I'm not going to have this argument with you, Sirius. You think one thing, I think another. We're not going to be able to agree."
I sighed, my irritation growing. "Fine. Have fun in France," I muttered, rolling my eyes as I turned around once again to walk away.
"Will you quit walking away?" she scowled.
I turned on my heel to glare at her. "There's nothing else to say here, Keegan. You're leaving, I'm staying. What the hell do you want from me?"
She frowned, clearly taken aback by the hostility in my voice. The expression on her face turned grim with guilt. "I-I don't know," she whispered honestly.
Staring sadly at her, I shrugged. "Well, when you figure it out, you know where to find me," I muttered, turning towards my apartment.
"Please stop, Sirius."
I heard such desperation in her voice that I stopped, my eyes still trained on my own door, refusing to turn back and look at her. "Why?"
She said nothing and I was about to let out yet another sigh and enter my own apartment without another word when she finally spoke.
"Give me a reason to stay."
I froze, a shiver running down my spine as I slowly turned around to face her. "I thought I already did," I spoke softly.
Her eyes grew soft before she shook her head. "But have you really?" she whispered. "You're all talk, Sirius. It's all you've ever been. Since I met you, you can't seem to make a single right decision without making a wrong one, too. You can stand here and tell me all day that you want to be with me, but give me one good reason why I should actually believe you?"
I said nothing because I had no good answer. She was right. She had no reason to believe I was willing to change for her. As I've already pointed out, I'm the scum of the earth and that's all I'll ever be to her. I made terrible decisions time and time again and hurt people in the process. I was surprised she was even standing there entertaining the idea of staying when she could have just let me walk away the first time I tried to.
She let out a knowing sigh. "That's what I thought," she whispered. "Instead of bothering to show any ounce of vulnerability or intimacy ever, you prefer to sabotage every relationship and friendship you have. It's what you do. Why would I stick around for that?"
"And what about you?" I felt myself blurt out desperately, feeling her slipping through my fingers. "You more than anyone know exactly what it's like to end a relationship before it even gets good in fear of getting close to anyone. You guard your heart as if it's a bloody piece of glass that will break with the tiniest pinprick. I realize that hearts are fragile but they're meant to love, not run at the first sign of insecurity. It took me a long time to realize that and I just pray that one day you'll discover what it's like to open up your heart to someone that isn't Tristan."
"I tried doing that with you and you slept with my roommate the same night you slept with me," she snorted.
"Three months ago," I snapped, my frustration slowly building. "That was the first time you and I slept together and at the time, it meant nothing. At the time, it was a stupid one-time thing. You're only using that as your excuse so you have some reason to act like you don't care about me."
"Or maybe I really don't care about you!" she argued.
My fists were clenched tightly by my side. "Or maybe you are just so damned scared to find out that you can find happiness if you just let your guard down for one goddamned second!"
"What the hell does happiness have to do with-"
"Everything," I blurted out desperately. "Because while I am having a bit of trouble figuring out why at this given moment, you deserve to be happy after losing your fiancé. You haven't let yourself be happy in four years and you don't deserve to live your life full of pain and loss. You deserve to move on. You deserve to find someone who will help you with that. You deserve to be loved. And just because the happiness and love you once felt came shattering down around you in the worst way possible doesn't mean you shouldn't deserve a second chance at it. You never give yourself that chance, do you? You keep everything bottled inside and the moment someone is even close to you, you run. "
"Stop saying-"
"But here's the thing, Keegan," I continued, cutting her off. "All of those guys you've pushed away in the past hadn't a clue why you left so unexpectedly. But I do. And you know why? Because you actually cared enough about me that you wanted to let me in! And now that I'm actually telling you to let me in, you're running away? All because I'm actually available to you now? Because I don't have Riley tying me down like I had for so long? I finally stopped trying to sabotage my own love life like you so claim I did but it's so very clear to me that you can't seem to stop sabotaging your own. So don't go yelling at me for being the one to sabotage this when you're the one running away! Why don't you think about that as you go crawling back to France?"
I whirled around and stormed back towards my apartment but she called out after me.
"You don't get to be mad at me, Sirius Black! You were the one that told me to face my past so that's what I'm doing!"
"No," I argued, whirling around to glare at her. "There is nothing to face in France anymore, Keegan. Tristan is gone! He's dead! You're not going to get him back by returning there. There's nothing left for you there!"
"Screw you, Sirius!" she snapped, and I knew I had just taken it a tad too far. "I can't believe I actually thought you'd understand why I have to do this!"
"You thought I'd understand why you have to run away? Again?" I snorted, my eyes blazing with frustration. "You thought I'd understand why you have to stick to a routine that clearly hasn't been working for you? Are you going to avoid falling in love for the rest of your life? Are you really satisfied with the idea of never settling down? Being alone for the rest of your life? Is that honestly what you want!?"
"What I want is for you to stop telling me what I want!"
"Maybe if you figured it out for yourself, I wouldn't have to!"
"I already figured it out," she barked. "Just because it's not what you want me to do doesn't mean it's not right for me!"
"Did you ever consider the fact that perhaps staying is what's right for you!?"
"I don't have a bloody thing to stay for, Black!"
"Then stay for me, Rouge, because god dammit, I think I might actually love you and I am not ready to let you go yet!"
She froze. I froze. Her mouth hung open in shock. My eyes grew with discomfort. She stared at me. I hesitantly stared back.
"Uh…" I finally said when it was clear she wasn't going to say anything, clearing my throat. "I just…I…"
"Do you mean that?"
My heart was choking my ribcage as I exhaled slowly and cautiously. I could tell she was shocked about what I said, and hell, so was I. I hadn't been expecting to say those words in any way. I didn't even realize that I felt that way until the words were tumbling out. I glanced over at her hesitantly, wondering what the hell I was even supposed to say, but when I locked eyes with her, all I saw was hesitation and fear and I suddenly realized that it didn't matter if I meant it. It wasn't going to change anything. She was still going to run away because that was all she was good at and she wasn't ready to change that. "I don't think it really matters to you if I meant it or not," I whispered.
Shock registered in her nervous expression. "What's that supposed to mean?"
My defeat blustered into a sigh. "It means go to France," I whispered, my heart breaking into two at those five simple words. What killed me was I realized I actually meant it. "You've always done what you've wanted to do, so just…just go. I'm too exhausted to argue with you anymore."
I saw the guilt sparling in the thin tears lining her eyelids. But she said nothing. Her silence was deafening.
Shaking my head, I couldn't help but add, "But if you go, just…please don't come back. If you walk away now, it has to be for good. I-I can't keep doing this with you, Keegan. We've been through so much together already. I just…this needs to be it. I've done enough waiting around in my life and nothing good has ever really come from it. So I'm done waiting. I want to be with you, Keegan, but if you don't want to be with me than you should just go."
With a heartbroken grimace, I turned on my heel for what I believed to be the last time and headed towards the door. My hand was on my doorknob when her next words stopped me.
"I do want to be with you, Sirius."
I froze, taking a hesitant step back into the hallway. Slowly, I turned around and met her gaze. My heart beating a mile a minute, I simply said, "What?"
Her bottom lip trembled as she turned her vulnerable gaze away from mine. I saw the hair on her arms stand up and I had a pretty good feeling it wasn't because she was cold. She wrapped her arms around herself, shivering remorsefully as her gaze fell on a stain on the hallway carpet. She didn't look up at me as she said, "I don't know when it happened, but at some point, I fell for you and so much of me wants to stay and be with you."
That should have made me feel slightly good about myself but the vulnerability in her words told me that it didn't matter what she could do. She was going to do the opposite. "But?" I trailed off achingly.
Her bottom lip trembled uncontrollably as she opened her mouth hesitantly, her eyes filled with fearful nostalgia. I could practically feel her heart beating wildly out of her chest. "But," she whispered, her voice barely audible. "I also know that if there was anyone that could break my heart as badly as it was broken four years ago, it could be you. And I won't let myself go through that again."
I was shocked by the confession. "I don't want to hurt you," I spoke hollowly.
She shook her head slowly. "Doesn't matter what you want."
"I think it does a little."
Her expression turned grim, a wince settling into it as she shut her eyes. "Sirius, you are knee-deep in one of the most dangerous organizations actively looking to destroy Voldemort. You were just in the hospital for being attacked by Death Eaters. I know you don't want to hurt me, but you may not be able to avoid it."
My eyebrows shot up in complete shock. "That's what you're worried about?" I whispered.
Her bottom lip trembled as she opened her eyes to look at me. "This war can really mess with your head. And in the end, all any of us can do is protect our hearts from getting any more damaged than they already are. I care about you, Sirius," she whispered. "But I have to care about me first."
"I…I…" That was all I said because I couldn't even argue. I actually understood as much as I wished I didn't. I had had my heart broken once and it wasn't easy bouncing back. I couldn't imagine losing my fiancé the way she lost hers and then jumping into a relationship with someone where the same thing was a high possibility. "I don't know what to say," I admitted in a small voice.
A sad smile crept on to her face, one filled with regret and guilt and ultimately an apology I didn't want to see. "I don't want to be afraid to fall in love or be happy, Sirius. I've never wished that upon myself, but what I can't turn off is my fear of finding it again just to lose it. Again. I…I can't just turn that off! And I definitely won't be able to turn it off with you. And unfortunately you can't do anything about that."
I opened my mouth to argue, but I couldn't. I couldn't find any words that could reassure her she didn't have to worry. I watched James go through that with Lily to know that it wasn't something that could ever be turned off when it comes to the people you care about. Out of all the things I had been expecting her to say about why she couldn't be with me, this didn't make the top ten. And the worst part was, I couldn't even argue with her because it was true. I could control to the best of my ability not breaking her heart intentionally. But I couldn't avoid the unintentional.
As if she read my mind, she continued. "I've already lost someone I loved to this goddamned war," she whispered, her bottom lip trembling and I could see the tears prickling against her eyes no matter how hard she tried to fight them. "I won't put myself in a situation where it can happen again."
She looked so frightened, so insecure that all I wanted to do was reach out to her and draw her close to me, reassuring her that I wouldn't break her heart if given a chance. Except I couldn't do that. Because I could never promise anyone I wouldn't break their heart. I've dealt with heartbreak enough to know that it was rarely intentional but it was always endlessly hurtful no matter what the cause. And she was right. I was fighting against Voldemort and that was putting me in a very dangerous situation. So while I wanted to promise her the one thing she could have used reassurance on, I wasn't about to slip out another potential lie.
So I did the next best thing. I kissed her.
I pushed her up against the foyer wall, pinning her arms above her head as my mouth explored the inside of hers. She didn't fight back, her tongue dancing with mine as a light moan escaped my lips. I could feel unrelenting yearning building up deep within me as my hands found their way into her blonde locks, her own hands finding their way underneath the back hem of my sweater. Our tongues never parted as our hands found every way to touch one another – the side of our faces, our shoulders, our backs, our bare arms, our hair, the list went on. My kisses trailed up her jaw towards her ear and quickly down towards her neck. She arched her back, her hips thrusting towards me and I hardened almost immediately at just the slight motion. Not so unexpectedly I felt myself pulling her off the ground and she wrapped her legs around my waist, our mouths once again meeting one another in fiery passion as if all we had in that moment was each other.
The moment was interrupted by a soft crash followed by, "Oh! Dammit – I'm sorry!"
Keegan practically jumped off me at the sound of Lily behind us. I turned around, cursing the untimely interruption, and saw the extra boxes that Lily had been holding were now at her feet and her face was a dark shade of crimson.
"Er…it's fine," Keegan said, clearing her throat.
I tried to meet Keegan's gaze but she actively avoided looking at me.
"So…um…you made up?" Lily asked awkwardly.
"Y'know what? We don't have to do the awkward small talk thing right now, Lily," Keegan muttered. "You can go into your bedroom and we can all pretend you didn't just walk in on us."
"Alright then," she said, breathing a sigh of relief as she lifted the empty boxes off the floor and hightailed it back into her own bedroom.
Still avoiding eye contact with me, Keegan stepped out of my vicinity and headed further into the living room as if she couldn't wait to get away from me. "Keegan," I said softly.
"No, don't say anything," she pleaded, shaking her head as her fingers instinctively reached up to touch her lips. "Please."
I barely nodded my recognition as I tried to figure out what we were supposed to do or say next.
"This doesn't change anything," she eventually whispered.
I glanced up at her, wishing she had just said anything but that. I didn't say anything immediately, letting those words swirl around in my mind as if they could ever make sense to me. "Why'd you kiss me back?" I whispered.
She winced, wrapping her arms around her body vulnerably. "You know why," she whispered in a hoarse whisper of guilt.
She still wouldn't look at me, but I was grateful because had she looked up at me, all I would have seen was a face full of determination. Determination to walk away and leave me behind in a sea of her guilty fear. "Keegan-"
"I'm going to France," she interrupted before I could say anything that could change her mind.
My entire body sagged with remorse at the recognition that I had nothing left to say to her. I wanted beg her to stay, but the words wouldn't form. I didn't know how to tell her not to go just for me. Because I didn't know what the future held for me. For us. It could have been a mistake. She was right in thinking that I could break her heart. I probably would and I couldn't beg her to stay just to hurt her. She deserved more. She deserved better. She deserved someone that wasn't me.
"Okay," I felt myself say.
She blinked. "Okay?"
I shrugged feebly. "I wish I could give you a reason not to go, but I don't have anything left," I whispered. "I'd fight for you if I could, but I just…I just know you won't let me."
Slowly, she dared to look up at me, the tears brimming in her eyelids. She opened her mouth to say something but quickly closed it, her eyes never leaving mine. Eyes filled with confusion and angst. Just like her heart.
I turned away, not too sure I wanted to be looking at her when she chose her next words.
"I'm sorry, Sirius."
The words sounded heartfelt but when I glanced up to let her know she didn't have to be sorry, she was already traipsing out of the living room into her own bedroom.
And I was once again alone.
++LILY++
When I peeked my head inside Keegan's room, I wasn't surprised to see her curled up in a ball on her bed, the Potter exposé lying in front of her untouched. She was staring out the window with sad eyes, her cheeks flushed and her hair sprawled out across her pillow haggardly. There were no tears in her eyes, something that didn't surprise me considering Keegan Rouge wasn't much of a crier, but they looked ready to fall if the wrong thing was said.
"Hey," I greeted.
She merely blinked in acknowledgement, her gaze not faltering from the window.
"So, you're snogging Sirius again?"
"No" she was quick to argue.
"What I walked into seemed an awful lot like-"
"A lapse in judgment," she muttered, shaking her head. "I'm going back to France, Lily. I have to."
"Wait, what? You're going back to France?"
She frowned, finally looking up at me. "I have to," she repeated.
It was my turn to frown. I unfortunately wasn't surprised to hear that. "Do you though?" I sighed.
She said nothing, making me think she wasn't entirely sure of the answer to that question.
"And…you just happened to make this decision when Sirius was here?" I mused. "Interesting."
She shot me a look. "I made the decision earlier. It has nothing to do with Sir-"
"You may be able to lie to yourself, but you can't lie to me," I argued.
She frowned. "Why is everyone so convinced I'm lying about why I'm leaving?"
I hesitated before saying, "Because in the past, you would just take off without bothering to inform the guy. This time you did tell him. And you know why? Because a part of you fell hard for him and that same part of you doesn't want to go."
She glanced up at me, her eyebrows quirking upward in shock. She said nothing at first, her eyes filling with a mix of intrigue and confusion. "Why…" she trailed off, shaking her head slowly. "Why is it that I can't just hate him? I should be able to. I did it for eight months without a problem. And I have more reason now to hate him than I did then, yet...yet I seem unable to actually do so."
Now we were getting somewhere. "Because now you actually care for him when before, you didn't," I spoke softly, perching at the end of her bed.
She cringed as if the very thought haunted her. "I don't want to care for him," she pleaded. "I want to hate him."
I smiled lopsidedly. "But you don't."
Slowly she looked up at me, shaking her head. "No," she murmured. "I don't."
I was surprised she actually admitted that. "Would it be so bad, Keegan?" I asked curiously.
"Would what be so bad?"
I frowned hesitantly. "Staying for him."
Her eyes blinked, startled at the question. She opened her mouth to say something, but the words wouldn't form. I could see the wheels turning in her head before she settled on saying, "Look at the guy he's become, Lily. He's a liar and a cheater. He's manipulative, he's deceitful, he hasn't a clue how a woman's mind works, he's not trust-worthy, he has a history of betraying people, and he makes bad decisions time and time again. He took advantage of you on the night that you and James broke up!"
I cringed, slowly shaking my head. "No," I whispered hoarsely. "I took advantage of him."
Keegan's eyes narrowed. "What?"
I said nothing at first, the sporadic memories of the worst night of my life slowly seeping into my mind – memories I had long tried to suppress. "Nothing," I murmured, shaking my head. "Just…if you're refusing to let yourself open up to the possibility of being with him because of that one night, I think you're just using that as some backwards excuse to run away again. And I think you deserve better than that."
"What I deserve is to be with a guy who didn't sleep with someone's fiancé or his best friend's girlfriend."
I frowned hesitantly. "Give him a chance to prove to you that's not the guy he is."
She let out a snort of disbelief. "Why are you so convinced he's such a good guy?" she argued. "You out of anyone know how many mistakes he's made."
"Because…" I trailed off, suddenly overcome with a rush of unexpected emotions as I thought back to the eleven years I've known him. Before I could stop them, I felt a few tears slip down my cheeks. "No matter what mistakes he was making and no matter what he was going through, he was always there for me no matter what. And I'll take a slightly flawed person who always shows up to be by my side when I need him, versus a perfect specimen who only knows how to let me down."
Goddamned Sirius Black. Even when I was supposed to be hating him, I was reminded of how much I loved him.
She frowned, her eyes narrowing at me curiously. "Er…you okay?"
"I'm supposed to be hating him right now," I blurted out with a half-laugh, swiping the tears from underneath my eyes.
Keegan glanced at me curiously. "He has a way of making you hate him and yet still love him at the same time, doesn't he," she whispered, mostly to herself.
I couldn't help but nod. "Yeah," I murmured in assent. "So which one is it going to be for you, Rouge?"
She looked startled at the words as I climbed off her bed and headed towards her door. With my hand on the doorknob, I glanced over my shoulder. "I wouldn't take too much time to figure it out. His heart won't be able to take waiting for much longer. Now I'm going to go finish trying to pack while cursing the ground James Potter walks on. Come find me when you realize you're being an idiot."
Her mouth dropped open in surprise as I waltzed out of the room, a smug smile on my face.
++SIRIUS++
Worst.
Day.
Ever.
As I traipsed into my apartment, my gaze fell on the large empty room laid out in front of me. I had a few boxes lining the wooden floors, but other than that the apartment was merely a vast space of nothing. Much like my life.
I took a sideways glance at one of the boxes, but no part of me wanted to spend any time unpacking. I was too drained to bother with it, so instead I sighed and headed out towards the small balcony off the living room. I welcomed the breeze in my face as my eyes fell on the landscape that stood in front of me. If I glanced to my right I could see the tall trees that had been the home to my and Lily's attack. If I glanced to my left, I could see a small park in the distance where a few dark silhouettes were walking with their pets. And if I glanced in front of me, all I saw was a big question mark.
My future looked pretty bleak. Actually it looked quite bleak. And there wasn't much I could do to make it any brighter. Everything was changing and it didn't seem like I had any control in stopping it no matter how much I desperately wish I could. I had finally let Riley go just to find out that the rest of my world was crashing down around me. Moving past a relationship that had been virtually over for four years was supposed to have been a proud, righteous moment in my life and instead it's been clouded by the hatred everyone else seemed to have for me. So much hatred, in fact, that my best friend found it justified to call me a bloody Death Eater.
Which I wish I could pretend I didn't deserve, but frankly, I didn't blame him for saying it. I did the unthinkable and betrayed him in the worst way possible. James was already losing trust in the world and I gave him a final reason to believe there was absolutely no good in the world.
I was beginning to think he wasn't wrong.
James hated me which was justified.
Lily was pushing me away which was justified.
And Keegan was running away. I was still deciding if that was justified or not.
With all of the heartbreak and tragedy we've all had to endure in this lifetime, the only thing that has ever kept me going was knowing I had people by my side who truly cared for me and my well-being. When I was growing up, I had always been under the impression that showing any sort of emotion was immoral and imprudent. That having any semblance of a heart was supposedly nauseating and unnecessary. My parents taught me that. When I was sorted into Gryffindor and I realized that I could be somebody, not just an object to be used or a punching bag or a robotic shell of a person, I gave life a chance for the first time since the day I had been born. And I quickly learned that having friends that meant the world to me made it that much easier for me to want to live my life. Not just for me but for them. It didn't take long for me to discover that these were the people I was going to spend the rest of my life with, not my corrupt family. And the best part was that they accepted me for who I was, ignoring my surname that seemed to always be lingering in the air no matter how hard I tried to shun it. I would probably never admit it aloud but they are the only reason I am the person I am today. They made it easier wanting to be a good person inside and out. And because of that they weren't just my best friends. They were my family.
And I had betrayed every single one of them in one way or another.
My life was unraveling in front of my very eyes and I was a complete loss as to how to stop it. I felt so helpless and lost and those were two emotions that I had always hated admitting that I felt. Vulnerability wasn't something I chose to exhibit often if at all. Everything was spiraling out of control and I couldn't do anything to keep a hold on it. As I gazed at the darkness spread out in front of me, I was very much aware of how much I was about to lose. If I hadn't already. My life was a black hole bleak haziness. I felt lost and confused and broken and hurt. But most of all I felt hatred. I wanted to hate them – James for calling me a Death Eater, Lily for letting me go, Riley for stringing my heart along for four years, and Keegan for leaving – but I knew in my heart that the only person I really hated was myself for letting things get so bad when it all could have been avoided with better choices. Or maybe they could have just been avoided if I was anyone but me.
As that realization crept into the back of my mind, I did something I hadn't done since the day Riley walked out on me.
I let myself cry.
++KAY++
All Keegan's letter said was that Lily needed me. I was in the middle of a very heavy snog session with my fiancé when the owl swooped into my bedroom, and while I apologized a million times over, Lance seemed to understand. Reason #982 why I loved him.
I found Lily in her bedroom (soon to be ex-bedroom) muttering obscenities under her breath as she tossed books and clothes haphazardly into an empty box. Now Lily Evans is a clean and organized neat freak. So watching her just chuck items into a box without so much as using her extensive packing list was like watching Sirius Black go sober for longer than one hour.
"Er…something wrong, Lily?" I asked hesitantly, perching on the edge of her bed.
"What are you doing here?" she muttered irritably, tossing a handbag into the large box followed by a pencil case. She was going to regret that later when she couldn't find anything.
I hesitated, wondering if I should tell her the truth. Shrugging, I said, "Keegan owled me."
Lily let out a snort. "I see she's still deflecting her own screwed up situation on worrying about someone else."
"Based off the way you're packing, it seems like she may have reason to be worried."
Lily glanced into the box with a sigh, settling herself on the edge of her bed. "He lied to me," she murmured, shaking her head. "They all did."
I was more confused than ever. "Who? What are you talking about?"
"I can't trust a single one of them, can I? I shouldn't be surprised. The Marauders are always sticking together. Clearly they don't give a shit about anyone else."
"Can I ask again what you're talking about?"
"No-good, mother fucking, lying, mistrustful sons of bitches. I could strangle them. All of them. Because I'm supposed to be hating all of them, yet I can't manage to do so because I actually do care about them. What the hell? They screwed me over, yet here I am actually realizing I'm going to miss them? No! I refuse to do so."
"So you're…" I trailed off, shaking my head. "Nope, I still have no idea what you're rambling on about."
"How can I be building Sirius up to bloody Keegan after the bullshit he's pulled on me? I mean, he seriously has the nerve to get mad at me for re-befriending Riley? He has the nerve to call me a bad friend? To turn his back on me when he did so a long time ago?"
"Why are we building Sirius up to Keegan?" I asked curiously, ignoring the rest of her rant.
"And stupid Remus for being such a good bloody friend that it's even impossible hating him!"
"Er…so don't?"
"Course James could die in a fiery pit of hell for all I bloody care."
"Well, that seems harsh."
"He's the harsh one!"
I rolled my eyes. "You want to explain anytime soon or just continue ranting while I smile and nod at appropriate times hoping you won't soon realize I haven't a clue what you're referring to."
I saw Lily's bottom lip tremble as she placed her head into her hands with the most terrifying moan I had ever heard. "James lied," she whispered. "He fucking lied, Kay."
"About?""
The desolation in her eyes was unmistakable. "He did love me. Still does apparently."
I blinked. "What?"
She locked eyes with me, a cold gaze stoned against her face. "It was all a lie, Kay," she spoke softly. "He never stopped loving me. He just wanted me to believe he had."
I didn't think I could get more lost but I was. "Lily, what are you talking about?"
And then she explained, her story filled with anguish and heartache and betrayal. By the end, I was ready to strangle him just as much as she was.
I just sat staring at her, wondering what I was supposed to say or do. I was filled with so much frustration and anger and sadness for everyone involved that any semblance of a justified sentence was lost on me in that moment. "Oh, Lily," was all I could even think about.
The tears sprang to her eyes as she fell against the bed with a defeated sigh. "All I ever did was love him," she whispered, "And all he ever did was hurt me in the end. I hate him for that."
I let out a sad smile. "You don't hate him," I pointed out carefully. "You want to. You wish you could. But you don't."
She glanced over at me and I saw such overwhelming pain resting in a pair of emerald eyes I had never seen before. I moved from where I was sitting so I was right beside her, wrapping my arms around her protectively as the tears slid down her face.
"I think I do hate him," she whispered. "Because why else would I tell him that I slept with Sirius the night James and I broke up?"
I think I may have fallen off the bed. She was avoiding looking at me, but I had a feeling that my face was filled with complete shock so I had a good feeling why. Sirius and Lily? Sirius and Lily? It took far too long for me to contemplate those words, because they seemed impossible. "You…uh…what now?" I sputtered out.
She drew her knees into her chest, the tears blurring her emerald eyes. "Yeah," she muttered. "You heard right."
My mouth hung open. I couldn't even avoid the shock that filled my expression. "Oh, Lily," I whispered for a second time, unable to say anything more than that.
Her bottom lip trembled. "I hate what James did to me, but I'm no better than him. Maybe I've worse. Because sure, he lied to me, but I slept with his best friend. What the hell does that make me?"
I wish I had a good answer for her, but I really didn't. "I-I don't know," I murmured. "A girl who just had her heart shattered?"
She shook her head. "So what? Does that make it okay?"
No. It didn't. I was trying not to look at Lily any differently, but I couldn't help but feel a bit of shame for her. I knew that she never would have slept with Sirius if she hadn't hit rock bottom, but this was a girl I barely recognized. "Why'd you tell James? Hell, why'd you tell me?"
She sighed, falling back against her pillow with a moan. "I'm a terrible human being, Kay. Seriously. The worst of the worst. And James was prattling on and on about how all he did was love me and he wanted to protect me from harm and he would always try to protect me, that there wasn't anything I could do to change that."
"So you decided to try and change that," I murmured, slowly catching on.
She swiped the tears from her eyes as she stared up at the ceiling. "I don't know," she whispered. "I just wanted him to get out of my apartment and out of my life before he told me something else that was going to make me feel like my entire world was coming to an end. I just…I needed him to not be standing in front of me telling me he loved me. Not after what he put me through. Not after I spent months thinking about him and wondering what it was I did to make him fall out of love with me, just to find out today it was all a lie. I just…I needed an out. I needed him gone. For good."
"So you gave him a reason to walk away."
I wasn't surprised when the tears welling in her eyes spilled out once again. "No," she finally admitted. "I gave him a reason to stop loving me."
The words were gravely honest and I watched as the already shattered hart of my best friend crumbled into mere nothing. So much pain had been dredged up between James and Lily that I couldn't help but wonder if things would ever be the same between them again. I had a strong feeling it wouldn't. There was too much that couldn't be forgiven.
"Why did I ever have to fall for him in the first place?" she muttered when it was clear I had nothing to say. "Why couldn't I have just gone on pretending to hate him from afar? Why couldn't I continue yelling at him and berating him and hexing him instead of fall for his stupid charm? Why did Dumbledore pair us together? Why was I sorted into Gryffindor in the first place? Why?"
I could only shrug. "Life works in mysterious ways, Lily. We'll never know the reasons behind the things that happen. We just have to accept them and move on."
She blinked. "'Accept them?'" she muttered. "How the hell am I supposed to accept what James did to me? And…and how is he supposed to accept what I did to him?"
That was a damned good question. "I wish I knew," I whispered.
She wiped the tears and lifted her head from my shoulder. "Life was a hell of a lot easier when we were just twelve-year-old naïve girls who still thought boys had cooties."
I chuckled. "We had some good times back then, didn't we?"
She nodded and I was grateful to see a small smile creep on to her face. "The best," she whispered hoarsely, blinking back the tears once again. "It used to just be you, me, and Riley," she continued in a small voice. "We were kids. We laughed, we had fun, and nothing else mattered but each other. Not boys or the war or marriage or the future. It was just…it was easy. When did things stop being so easy?"
When she glanced at me, I could tell she was actually hoping for an answer. Too bad I didn't have one. "We all had to grow up at one point."
She sighed. "Growing up really sucks."
I could only nod. I wanted to tell her that everything was going to be okay. I wanted to tell her that life went on. I wanted to tell her that she'd get over it. I wanted to tell her what I had come to tell her – that I didn't want her to move away. But I didn't say any of that. I couldn't say any of it because looking at her, I could see that things were far from alright and the only way it may one day be alright is if she left the world she had lived in with James Potter behind. So instead I said, "I say we take a trip down Memory Lane, Miss Evans. And you know what's great about doing that as adults? We can do it with wine."
I stood up off the bed and gestured for her to follow suit. She offered me a weak smile and slowly picked herself off the bed. Glancing towards the corner of the room, she gestured towards an old, tattered box. "That box has a whole bunch of momentos from our past."
I grinned. "Whatdya say we take it over to Riley's?"
Her eyebrow quirked curiously.
I shrugged. I could see that our group was slowly falling apart, and a huge part of me just wanted to remember what we used to have before everything went to hell. What friendship used to look like. When pain and heartbreak hadn't completely taken over our lives. "If we're taking a trip down Memory Lane, don't you think it could be good to do it with her?"
She nodded. "I'll grab the box. You grab the wine."
++REMUS++
I wasn't surprised to find Sirius standing alone on his balcony, his eyes glazed over as he stared straight ahead into the bleak unknown.
He barely looked up when he heard the door open behind him. As I glanced over at him, I saw such raw emotion unlike anything I've ever seen before from him. Or at least something I hadn't seen since the day Riley walked out on him. Sirius was always very good at holding it together even when everything around him was crumbling. But the guy I saw in front of me wasn't holding anything together. It was clear he was done pretending everything was fine when we both knew it wasn't.
"What, no alcohol?" I teased, trying to lighten the mood.
He simply shrugged. "I didn't really feel like trying to rummage around in my boxes to find it."
I frowned. Alcohol used to be his answer to everything. And now, it was clear he realized even that couldn't cure him. I decided to stop trying to lighten the mood and just be blunt about it. "James told me what happened."
Sirius shrugged again. "I figured."
I blinked. That was the response I got? "I'm sorry that he found out, Sirius."
He didn't say anything immediately, the breeze rustling the trees the only sound in the air. "I don't know what Lily was thinking, telling James," he sighed.
I hesitated, not knowing the answer myself. "She was thinking that the guy she loved hurt her in the worst possible way and she retaliated with the only way she knew how at the time."
"Revenge?" he muttered.
I frowned. "I guess so."
"I can't help but wonder if she was trying to get revenge on him or me."
My brow furrowed. "What would she want revenge on you for?"
Sighing, he turned to face me. And I almost wished he hadn't, his expression filled with so much turmoil unlike I had ever seen before. "Not just me," he admitted with a grimace. "You, too. And Peter."
I blinked. "What?"
"She knows we knew."
"Knew what?"
He murmured, "That James lied to her."
I cringed. That couldn't be good. "Fuck."
He nodded solemnly. "Which apparently makes me a shitty friend and therefore, no friend to her at all."
Ouch.
"She…she really hates me right now."
I sighed. Just great. Yet something else to add to the long list of things I didn't want to deal with. "I think she hates herself more than us," I contemplated. "For pining over a guy for months to find out it was completely unjustified. For falling in love with someone who could hurt her more than she ever thought imaginable. For feeling like a shite person after what happened between you her. For pushing everyone away so she can be left completely alone, being under the impression that's all she deserved. For not seeing any of this coming."
I had no clue if any of that were true, but I had to believe that Lily's frustration with us at the moment had more to do with James than it did myself, Sirius, or Peter. Unfortunately, betrayal seemed to be a common occurrence lately.
Sirius didn't' looked convinced either. "Let me ask you, Moony," he mumbled, "If you could go back and tell Lily the truth, would you?"
No. I frowned. "You know the answer to that question, Sirius."
"Let me ask you another," he continued slowly. "Do you think that means we're far better friends with James than we are with Lily?"
I was hesitant to actually even ponder that question. Because I could probably stand there all day and deny that fact but inevitably, I had a feeling the Marauders were always going to stick by each other's sides no matter the potential consequences.
Then again, that was before James dismissed Sirius as a friend. I wanted to believe the Marauders could one day bounce back and be the foursome we used to be when we were young, naïve Hogwarts students, but nothing would ever be the same. Sleeping with your best friend's girlfriend puts a divide in a group that may never be mended.
"I wouldn't say far better," I eventually said diplomatically.
Sirius rolled his eyes. "But you think we'd have James' back before Lily's?"
"I didn't say that."
"You didn't argue with it either."
I said nothing, frowning hesitantly. "We're the Marauders," I murmured, as if that explained everything.
Sirius snorted, shaking his head with a sad sigh. "We were the Marauders," he whispered, his voice barely audible against the winter breeze.
"Don't say that, Padfoot," I urged, shaking my head. "We don't know what's going to happen."
"We know exactly what's going to happen," he retorted, shooting me a look. "Your friend doesn't call you a Death Eater with the intention of one day being your mate again."
I froze. "What?"
His lips pursed. "Nothing," he muttered.
"That's not nothing," I urged, my brow furrowing curiously. "Did James call you a Death Eater?"
Sirius said nothing but I hadn't expected him to.
"Sirius, what happened?" I asked softly.
He shook his head. "Nothing. I deserved it. After what I did with Lily, I totally deserved it. Hell, I deserve worse than that. I guess I finally understand why I was born into the Black family."
My heart plummeted into my stomach at the clear defeat in my friend's words. "Don't say that," I pleaded, shaking my head. "You're not a Black. You're just Sirius."
Slowly, he shook his head. "That's where you're wrong. It's where I've been wrong all these years, living in denial. I just…you guys made me think I could be something more. Someone that wasn't defined by my surname, but then why do I keep making so many poor decisions? I've never really been a good person, Moony. There were times I was a somewhat decent, on the way to being mediocre kind of person. But I was never good. That was never me."
"Sirius," I urged. "Don't go spouting pitying conjectures just because you're having a bad day."
"'A bad day?'" Sirius snorted, shooting me a look of pure incredulity. "This is so much more than a bad day, Moony! This is a bad life. I was handed a crappy hand from the start and I can't seem to get away from it. I'll always be a Black. It's who I am. I make horrible decisions and when they completely backfire, because they always do, I try to pick my head up and just tell myself that tomorrow is a new day where I can make myself a promise to be a better person. Except, I'm never a better person. No, it lasts a day. A week. Maybe even a month or a year. But in the end, I'm going to go back to making bad decisions and ultimately just be a bad person. Because that's apparently who I am. So I'm done pretending as if tomorrow is a new day. I'm done trying to promise myself that I can be better. I'm just…I'm done."
I was shocked to say the least. I hadn't expected Sirius to say a single sentence let alone a long-winded, discouraging rant with the disconcerting words he spoke. I've seen Sirius rundown and dispirited before. I've heard him become cold and impassionate. I've known him at the times he was feeling his worst. But this took the cake by a longshot. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up at the way he sounded so achingly sincere.
Sirius has always had his ups and downs. He has typically been very skilled at masking the downs with a fake smile on his face and a defense mechanism of jokes. He's always been a lively, over-the-top personality even when he was feeling dead inside. The only time I ever saw him remotely depressed was when Riley left him. He stopped faking the happiness and the smiles and became a person none of us recognized. But that was understandable considering the girl he loved had just walked out on him. And he never pretended to stop caring about his well-being or the decisions he made. Eventually, he picked himself back up and moved on with this life. But the Sirius standing in front of me now was so far off from any Sirius I've experienced. And it crushed me that he was feeling so crushed.
"Please tell me you don't actually believe any of that," I whispered, my heart aching.
Sirius merely shrugged beside me. An impassionate shrug filled with defeat and indifference. "James was the first friend I ever made at Hogwarts," he murmured. "He had always been there for me, even when I probably didn't deserve it. And how do I repay him? I sleep with Lily. The only girl he has ever loved and will probably ever love. What in Merlin's name is wrong with me?"
I frowned. "You said it yourself. You haven't had the easiest life, Sirius. You're not perfect. None of us are."
"Oh, is this where you tell me you slept with Lily, too?"
Every time he said it, I cringed. Every time he said it, it didn't feel real. Every time he said it, a little part of me died inside. "Please don't beat yourself up over this," I pleaded. "I-I know it must be hard for you. Impossible, really. But don't just give up on yourself because of one mistake."
Rubbing his temples, he leaned over the bannister. "This was so much more than a mistake, Moony."
I couldn't help but agree, but I chose to keep that part to myself.
"I'm so tired of this," he whispered, shaking his head. "All of this. I'm tired of feeling like shit all the time, Remus, and I'm tired that James feels like shit all the time and I'm tired that I gave both of us one more reason to feel like nothing but shit all the goddamned time. And I'm tired of everyone just running away. Though I'm beginning to wonder if Lily and Keegan have the right idea."
"Keegan?" I said, shooting a look towards Sirius.
He froze, his eyes falling to the wooden splinters of the floor. "Yeah," he murmured. "Keegan."
I suddenly wondered if I had stumbled across the true reason behind Sirius' overwhelming defeat. "Where is she running off to?"
He didn't look at me, but turned his gaze back on the forest in the distance, shutting his eyes as the winter breeze danced across our faces. "It doesn't matter."
"We both know that's not true," I spoke gently.
"It is true," he whispered desperately, his eyes remaining shut. "None of this matters anymore. I…I'm done trying to care because all that's ever done is get me into trouble. Maybe not caring is the easiest way to handle all of this."
"The problem is, Sirius, is that you do care," I said carefully. "Which just goes to show that you're not just another Black."
He said nothing, his eyes fluttering open slowly as he glanced briefly up at me before turning away once again.
"Tell me about Keegan," I pleaded.
"What are you, my Psychiatrist?" he snorted defensively.
"No," I murmured. "Just a friend."
I could see the heartache in his eyes as I spoke those words and I had a feeling he was suddenly realizing how few friends he actually had in that moment. "You really want to hear all about my woes, Psychiatrist Lupin?"
I frowned. I wasn't so sure but I nodded anyway.
"I did the unthinkable and fell for her," he murmured, a slight blush creeping on to his cheeks as if he was embarrassed to admit that. "And I stupidly told her that."
My eyebrow shot up. "Why is that stupid?"
"Because all it did was give her a reason to run back to France," he snorted.
"She's moving back to France?" I said, startled.
He nodded. "That she is."
"That can't be easy," I encouraged.
He shrugged. "It is what it is."
"Nothing is ever just as it is," I argued.
"Just forget I said anything," he murmured, shaking his head. "I'm done talking about all of this. It's not going to make a difference. They're all going to do what they want and there's nothing we can do to stop them. Nothing."
That thought depressed me. "But…how do you know until you try?"
"There's nothing I can do," he sighed. "What's done is done. I slept with Lily so James gets to hate me. I watched my friend fall apart in front of my very eyes and I didn't give her a reason not to so Lily gets to hate me. I fell for Keegan when we said from the beginning it was going to be a casual fling and in the same night I inform her I have feelings for her, she finds out I slept with her roommate so Keegan…well, I think hate there is a little strong, but you get the idea."
"I think the person that really hates you right now, Sirius, is yourself," I pointed out with quirked eyebrows.
He merely shrugged. No argument. No retort. This really was bad.
I hated what I said next, but it might have been the only way to show Sirius what I knew he was feeling in his heart even if he pretended it didn't exist. "Tell me something, Sirius," I said with a detached shrug. "How does it feel knowing you never were able to tell Riley that you desperately wanted her to stay because she left before you were given that chance? How does it feel living with that regret every day? How does it feel knowing you had your opportunity to keep her by your side and you blew it?"
Oh, yeah, I was expecting the daggers Sirius immediately threw my way. "Don't you dare bring Riley into this. This isn't about her, Lupin," he snarled.
"I know, it's about Keegan," I argued.
"No, it's about all of them. Choosing to run instead of face the truth."
I sighed. "No," I whispered. "It's about the fact that you've fallen for another girl clearly afraid of commitment and instead of trying to do something different this time around, you're choosing to run scared."
Sirius froze, slowly meeting my gaze. "What?"
"She's not the only one running away."
"I'm not going anywhere!"
"Yeah, that's kinda the problem," I snorted. "You're sitting here on your balcony alone and playing this woe-is-me game, while the girl you have feelings for is packing up her stuff and moving away. So do something about it!"
He cringed but said nothing at first, his eyes fading into vacancy. I didn't even recognize him anymore. This was a hollowed-out robotic version of the friend I once knew, too disheartened by the goings-on around him to bother caring about who he was anymore. He was living in his own personal hell. He was feeling like shit because everyone was dropping him and he was blaming himself instead of trying to fix it. He knew what hell felt like because he had lived it before. Hope was something he hadn't completely grasped, so instead of trying to embrace it, he was hiding from it. It's something he's always been good at.
"I-I can't ask her to stay," he eventually murmured, hanging his head.
"Why?"
"Because."
I rolled my eyes. "Thanks for the specifics."
"I don't want to get into this, Remus," he argued, shooting me a pleading look. "Not now. It's been a pretty shitty day and I'm just not in the mood to deal with any of it right now."
Well, that much was obvious. But I wasn't about to walk away without a fight. I was too afraid if I left, he'd find a reason to fling himself off the balcony. "Why won't you ask her to stay?" I urged.
His jaw clenched. "Didn't I just say I didn't want to-"
"Yeah, but I want to talk about it," I sighed.
He shook his head slowly. "I'm…I'm done talking," he murmured. "I tried talking to James for months and he refused to listen. I tried talking to Lily and she shot me down. I tried talking to Keegan and now she's running away. What the hell does talking do?"
I frowned. "They may not have wanted to listen, Padfoot, but I do."
His lips pursed as he said nothing. He rubbed his templates, the creases in his forehead growing with despair. He turned his back on me once again, staring up at the night sky with a sigh. "If I tell her to stay, what…what happens if she does?"
I hesitated, not sure I heard him right. "You lost me."
He turned to face me. "She was right, I'm just going to hurt her."
My brow furrowed. "What are you talking about?"
He shook his head hesitantly. "I can't seem to stop making terrible decisions, Moony. Everyone I grow close with, I end up hurting. Lily. James. Riley. I just…I really think she's better off without me."
This didn't sound like him at all. "Sirius-"
"She's already dealt with so much heartbreak. I can't be the one to give her more."
"Then don't," I said bluntly. "You know enough about dealing with heartbreak, Sirius, that if you wanted to avoid it with her, you could."
He frowned, his eyes meeting mine. "What if it can't be avoided," he murmured.
"Of course it can be avoid-"
"I bet that's what Tristan said."
I froze, my eyes narrowing. "So...what? You're afraid of dying and leaving her behind?"
He shrugged. "It's possible, Remus," he sighed. "Look at how many people we've lost because of this war. We are actively fighting against Voldemort in the Order. It could be any one of us next."
"You are starting to sound like James," I snorted, shooting him a look. "Don't get all cynical on me now."
"I'm just being realistic."
"Well, stop it, it's annoying."
He didn't even smile.
"Don't give up on Keegan because you're too scared of fucking it up with her," I urged. "You deserve better than that."
"I don't know about that."
"I do," I argued, shaking my head with a sigh. "Sirius, when you put your mind to something, you go after it 100% and you typically get what you want because failure is never an option for you. When you defied your family, you never looked back once. When you wanted to be an Animagi, you never gave up no matter how many times James questioned the probability of it happening. After what happened with Snape, you refused to believe the Marauders were over. When you finally owned up to how you felt about Riley, you never let her forget it. When you wanted to become the best damned Quijudge in the wizarding world, you did everything in your power to ensure you did so. You don't give up. That's not you."
Sirius blinked in surprise, clearly not expecting the build-me-up speech.
"It's when you start questioning yourself that you land yourself into trouble," I continued with a shrug. "So here's how this is going to play out: you can either fight for Keegan in every way you know possible because you know you want to be with her and that's enough for you to fight for her or you can sit back and contemplate the what-ifs until you regret the decisions you didn't make. Do you really want to be doing that for another four years?"
Sirius' inhaled sharply at the slight. Frowning, he leaned over the railing and tossed his hair from his forehead haggardly. "I-I want to believe that in four years, this will all be behind us," he admitted. "That Lily will have gotten her act together and she'll be back in England with a smile on her face. That James will get over his fears and panics and remember to just live his life. That Keegan will have made the realization that France doesn't hold the answers to her problems. That the war will be over and Voldemort will be buried. That all of this bullshit will just be a fucking memory! But it's wishful thinking, isn't it? This bullshit will follow us no matter what we do or wherever we go. It's…everything is just such a mess right now, Moony. None of us will ever be the same again."
Every word he spoke, I could hear my own heart breaking into two. He was right. The world we once knew was no longer. Our futures were bleak. Our friendship with each other used to hold us together but even that couldn't make us survive the pain and heartbreak that's been piled on top of us every other week. We used to have such an incredible bond. Not only the Marauders but with Lily and Kay as well. The six of us were inseparable, always by each other's sides. I never thought I could have that. As a werewolf, you tended to keep your distance from people. And yet, I found the people I knew I would be with for the rest of my life. They weren't supposed to leave me. They were supposed to be by my side and I was supposed to be by theirs for all of the heartache and turmoil and angst we will all ultimately continue to be targeted with. We were supposed to be friends forever.
And a small part of me realized that I actually blamed James for tearing us apart. The friendships we had were supposed to transcend above all. Above the fear and the paranoia and the pain that this war has brought upon us all. But James stopped believing in the power of friendship and only believed in the bad this war presented. And it didn't just destroy Lily and him. It destroyed all of us.
"No," I eventually spoke reluctantly, shaking my head. "No, we'll never be the same again."
++RILEY++
I was snuggled up against Rhett on my couch when there was a knock on the door. I glanced up at Rhett curiously, not expecting anyone at that time of night.
He shrugged. "Nothing good could come from answering that door," he teased, kissing my nose.
I laughed and gave him a real kiss, slowly climbing off the couch to answer the door. I still couldn't believe that Rhett forgave me for what happened with Sirius. I knew it would take a lot to rebuild our relationship, but I also knew that for the first time in four years, I was finally thinking clearly. A part of me would always feel something for Sirius, but it was no longer love.
As I opened the door, I was confused when I saw Kay and Lily standing there, one holding a large cardboard box and another with two bottles of red wine.
"James fucked me over. Want to get drunk?" Lily asked.
I blinked, glancing behind me at Rhett who looked rather amused by the interruption. He smiled and nodded as if to show me it was alright. I turned back around to face my friends. "Alright, why not?"
Lily charged past me while Kay stood there with a grateful smile. "Dare I ask what happened?" I asked in a soft voice so as not to have Lily overhear who was now chatting with Rhett.
Kay frowned, slowly shaking her head. "He loved her. But he told her he didn't."
I wasn't going to admit that I already knew that. No good could come of that. "Getting drunk it is."
Rhett was climbing off the couch as I invited Kay into the apartment.
"You can stay, Rhett, if you don't mind us bashing the opposite sex the entire time," Lily urged with a sad smile.
He chuckled, glancing towards me. "I hope not all of you will be bashing."
"Nah, some of us will just be nodding and smiling at all the appropriate times and getting sloshed in the meantime," I teased as Rhett made his way over to me.
"Works for me," Lily chimed in as she wandered back into the kitchen. My guess is she was looking for glasses.
Crease lines scattered across Rhett's face as an onset of a frown formed. "She looks really heartbroken," he murmured, glancing over towards Kay.
Kay could only nod. "She is."
"James is the only man she's ever let into her heart before," I said softly, although I probably didn't know nearly as much as Kay did. "And he shattered her already fragile heart with just a few words."
"And then he admitted it was all a lie," Kay finally chimed in with a sigh, glancing surreptitiously towards the kitchen. She lowered her voice. "She's not just heartbroken. She's destroyed."
Rhett offered us a sympathetic smile, kissing the side of my head as he headed towards the door. "A night of guy-bashing and wine is definitely in order."
When I saw the look on Lily's face when she walked back into the room, I couldn't help but agree.
++KAY++
I didn't realize how much I had missed the friendship among the three of us until that night. We were two wine bottles down and now drinking straight from an old firewhisky bottle Riley had found buried in the back of her pantry. Our words were definitely slurring and if they were anything like me, our vision was starting to grow hazy. But it was exactly what Lily needed and I was going to be there for her in any way she wanted.
We didn't end up spending the evening bashing guys or even mentioning James. We simply reminisced on the good times the three of us used to share back in Hogwarts. The night Riley stood up for me in our dorm room when the three of us became friends. The days we strolled through the grounds with linked arms singing showtunes at the top of our lungs. The times we visited Hagrid in his hut and struggled through his tea and crumpets. Our trips into Hogsmeade where we would down entire goblets of butterbeer and go window-shopping. The first time we discovered that maybe boys didn't have cooties. Our first crushes. Our first heartbreaks. Our first kisses (Lily's was ironically Shane Redford, Riley's was a douchebag by the name of Fabrice Johnson, and though I had never admitted it to anyone until that evening before mine was Remus on a dare back when we were fourteen years old).
"Hold up, how the hell did we never know this?" Lily giggled, ensnared in a blanket at the end of the couch. She was definitely intoxicated.
Then again, so was I. "Uh, because I didn't want anyone to know that my first kiss was off a dare from Sirius freaking Black," I said with a grin.
"Did you ever have a crush on him?" Riley asked curiously, taking a swig of firewhisky before hanging the bottle to me in the middle of them.
"On who?"
"Remus."
I rolled my eyes. "No," I argued. "We've only ever been friends."
"Until that night you almost slept with him," Lily teased.
Riley gasped. "Uh, details please!"
I shot Lily a glare who was grinning sheepishly, pulling the firewhisky from my hands. "Oops?" she said with a shrug, taking a sip before hanging the bottle back to me.
I rolled my eyes, glancing back at Riley. "It was your stupid brother's fault."
Riley's eyes narrowed. "Which one? They're all stupid in my mind."
I laughed. "Lance."
"Oh, he's stupid, is he?" she teased. "So I suppose you're not marrying him for his mind then, hm?"
I shrugged. "Nah, just for his good looks."
The three of us laughed and boy, did it feel good. "It was the night we broke up," I said with an awkward shrug. "Remus ended up being the only one around and we had way too much to drink and…well, one thing led to another."
"So what I'm hearing is that you do have a crush on Remus!"
I rolled my eyes as Lily giggled beside me. "You trying to break me and your brother up again?" I said with a snicker, sending Riley a pointed look.
She grinned sheepishly. "Oh, c'mon it would be such a classic tale! Best friends long for each other from afar. Friend #1 almost gets married but girl leaves him at the altar because deep down she knows he's in love with someone else. Friend #2 almost gets married, then they break up and she almost sleeps with Friend #1 but Friend #1 stops it because he doesn't just want to be some sort of rebound sex and decides to wait it out but he loses his chance as Friend #2 gets back together with her ex-fiancé! Stay tuned to see how this classic tale ends!"
She was on the end of two very blank yet very amused stares. "In what world is that a classic tale?" I groaned.
Riley laughed, grabbing the firewhisky from my hands. "Alright, maybe that's the alcohol talking," she said with a teasing smile. "I suppose I give you and my brother my blessing."
"You better considering you helped him pick out the ring."
Riley glanced down at my hand curiously.
"Oh, not this one. I made him get me another one when I found out you picked the first one," I said with a grin, fingering the diamond on my left hand. "Y'know, back when I hated you."
"I'm suddenly wondering why I let you in tonight."
I laughed, taking the firewhisky from Riley's hand and taking a drink. "We've come a long way."
She smiled and so did I. "Yeah," she said. "We have."
Something felt so real about that moment. That night. It was as if we were back to being our Hogwarts selves who enjoyed living in the moment and didn't have the weight of the world on our shoulders. It was a night filled with laughter and frivolity and in a way, we had all needed it. Lily was leaving in less than two days and while I had been convinced I was losing a friendship, that night made me realize that I could regain my friendship back with Riley. Yes, she left and that would always be there in the back of my mind. But before she left, she was one of my best friends. We had had our share of troubles, mostly stemming from the fact that we were both stubborn and needed to know everything, but in the end, she had always had my back and I had always had hers. And the moment Lily left, I knew I would need her.
"Do you remember the first time we got you to sneak out, Lily?" Riley's words cut through my thoughts.
Lily furrowed her brow. "I think I've tried to block that from my memory."
I laughed, recalling the night we all were in our dorm room bored out of our minds. It was right before Christmas break and we had all decided a night of no schoolwork was in order. Which should have been fun but two hours later, we were all itching to do something other than read the Witch Weekly quizzes and paint our toenails.
"Was that the night we were caught by Pringle?" Lily asked, trying to remember five years back.
Riley shook her head. "No, it was the night we decided singing Karaoke at Three Broomsticks was a grand idea."
Lily groaned. "I blame the firewhisky Rosmerta was providing for us under the table."
Riley grinned. "It helps having her as a family friend."
"I don't think 'helps' is the right word," Lily snorted, clearly remembering the stupidity we all exhibited that night. "In fact, weren't the Marauders there that night and didn't they have to sneak us back into the castle?"
Riley froze and I grimaced. I had hoped we could go the night without any sort of allusion towards James. But I knew it couldn't have lasted.
"Yeah," Riley finally spoke. "And they held it over our heads for weeks."
We all grew silent at that moment and based off the sultry frown on Lily's face, I had a feeling she was now thinking about James.
"He was the only guy I had ever loved," she said softly. She didn't have to explain who 'he' was. "The only person I trusted 100% with my heart. I thought I was going to marry him and I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. Where did it all go wrong?"
Riley and I exchanged a look and I desperately wished I had an answer, but my mind was completely blank. Because honestly, I had been wondering the same thing since it happened.
"He loved you, Lily," Riley said softly.
"No," she snapped. "No one could do that to the person they truly loved."
"He did it because he loved you," she spoke again, the words hesitant on her tongue. I had a feeling she was trying not to overstep her boundaries.
Lily glared at her. "You don't know why he did it. Hell, I doubt he even knows why he did it."
Riley paused before saying, "He knows why. He may have given you about a thousand excuses that held merely a grain of truth but in the end, I doubt he was even willing to admit why he did it."
I glanced at Riley curiously, wondering what kind of insight she was about to divulge. Lily merely frowned, nodding for Riley to continue.
Riley glanced towards me with an inquisitive look in her eyes as if she was looking to hear those excuses firsthand. I shrugged, saying, "He claimed he was doing it to protect her from Voldemort."
Riley's right eyebrow rose skeptically as she slowly nodded. "I thought as much," she murmured. "But in the end, I have a feeling he was doing it to protect her from him."
I frowned, not sure what she possibly could have meant by that.
"What are you talking about?" Lily voiced aloud.
Riley gestured for me to pass her the firewhisky bottle and I obliged. She stalled by taking a swig before answering. "His entire world was falling apart, Lily, and the only thing that was ever stable in it was you. You stood by his side for it all, even when you probably shouldn't have the way he was acting, am I right? You were there during Brite's death, you were there when Jaron was kidnapped and killed, you were there after every mission trip he was on that was attacked, you were there when good Aurors that James considered friends died, you were there when Caleb died, you were there when Dezzy and Drew were kidnapped, you were there when Wyatt and his father were killed, and you continued to be there for him as he pushed you away and made you feel inferior. Stop me when none of what I'm saying is accurate."
I wanted to ask how Riley knew any of this but I didn't. Because in the end, I knew Lance had shared it all with her. Riley didn't just leave behind Sirius and her friendships with myself and Lily when she left. She left behind a friendship that had started when she was barely three months old with a neighbor who would grow to be more than just a friend but in the end, a brother. And while she might not have been there for him for the past four years, that didn't mean she didn't want to know everything that was going on.
Lily remained silent, a frown protruding her expression.
Riley continued. "You were there for every single horrible tragedy he had to endure. And every single tragedy just brought a world of pain on to him, not that he would ever admit that. He could deal with that pain – at least he could deal with it the best way he knew how. But I know James Potter. And I know he loved you. And because he loved you, he didn't want you to see him like that. More importantly, he didn't want you to be exposed to a world of tragedy that you didn't deserve. Not because he didn't think you could handle it. Because you could. He knew you could. Because you were exposed to your own set of tragedy when your parents died and your sister left. And he didn't want you to have to live in another world that was stricken with the same end results. He loved you, Lily. And he just wanted to protect you from dealing with tragedies that had nothing to do with you. He wanted to give you a world you deserved, not one you were stuck with."
By the end of her mini-speech, tears were trickling down Lily's cheeks. She didn't speak immediately, probably doing what I was doing and trying to digest Riley's words. Words that should have made both of us feel slightly angry that a girl who hadn't been around for four years could still possibly fathom what James Potter was thinking. Except I knew Riley knew best. She always would.
Lily finally spoke. "What he never seemed to understand was that no matter how many times he thought I didn't deserve him and no matter how many times he may have thought I was stuck with him, I would choose a life with him 100% of the time no matter what the outcome. He always thought I never deserved him, but I was the lucky one. Me, not him. He showed me what it meant to love. Something I never thought possible. Everyone thinks that James Potter needs me more than I need him what with all he's had to deal with. But no, I needed him. I've always needed him. Because I had nothing else. No one else. He was my family. He was all I had. I loved him more than I ever thought was possible. I loved him. And to me, love means never giving up. Never. And he can give me a thousand excuses and he can spout out half-truths and he can push me away with five horrible words, but it doesn't matter what he did or why he did or how he did it. He shouldn't have done it at all."
It was my turn for tears to spring to my eyes. I couldn't even tell you why exactly. Maybe it was the way her prolific words sounded so sad and hollow in the aftermath of her breakup. Maybe it was because the love behind her words were so touching and yet broken. Maybe it was because she looked so hurt and betrayed as she spoke. But in the end I knew it was because I knew how lucky I was to have Lance. And I hated that Lily lost what she had so heartily believed in because James Potter was merely scared and confused. He never had to give her up. He never should have. And yet he did. And why? I was beginning to think that none of us would ever really know the truth.
Silence permeated the room as Riley and I both glanced contemplatively at Lily who was now hunched up on the couch, hugging her knees close to her body. She looked so frightened, so hurt that all I wanted to do was scoop her up in my arms and pretend that all the pain and betrayal she was feeling in her heart would one day disappear. But I didn't. Because I knew what that pain and betrayal felt like and it was never something that would be able to disappear.
"I'm sorry," Riley finally blurted out.
I glanced over at her. Lily did, too. "For what?" Lily muttered. "It's not your fault James lied-"
"No, not for that," she sighed. "For…for giving up. On you. On Kay. On all my friends. I-I just left and…and that was it. I said nothing. I'm sorry that I left the way I did. I'm sorry I didn't say good-bye or leave a note for you. I'm sorry I didn't write to you. I'm sorry that I came back and didn't bother telling you. I'm sorry that you found out I was back the way you did. And I'm sorry, Kay, that I interfered in your relationship with my brother when I had no business doing so. I…I shouldn't have left the way I did. Not you guys. You didn't deserve that. No one did. You were my friends for seven years and I just…I threw it all away. So I'm sorry."
I felt a sharp intake of breath protrude from me as I realized what Riley was owning up to.
I exchanged a look with Lily before turning back to Riley. "You didn't throw it away," I argued, shaking my head. "We're here, aren't we?"
"You shouldn't be," she said with an uncomfortable shrug.
"Yeah, but we are," Lily interjected. "It's…it hasn't been an easy four years, Riley, and as much as I'm sure we'd all like to blame you for that, you're not the cause of all of our heartaches and tragedies. So I'm begging you, please just stop beating yourself up, alright? It's in the past. And I'm…I'm tired of living in the past. Aren't you?"
I had a very strong feeling that she was thinking about James at the moment. "Not all the past," I said with a smile, nodding towards the box of Hogwarts memories Lily and I had brought over.
Both Lily and Riley smiled. "Is it time to go through that box and make fun of our horrible haircut choices?" Riley teased.
"Oh, please, like your hair wasn't flawless all throughout Hogwarts," I snorted, jumping off the couch to grab the box from the table. I tossed the top of the box to the side and begin digging in.
We were laughing at a photo of Lily being pushed into the lake by Sirius, when I heard Riley let out a sigh beside me. Glancing at her, I said, "What are you thinking, Riley?"
She smiled hesitantly. "Do you think the three of us could ever just go back to being the friends we used to be?" she asked, her ears turning pink.
A particular photo in the box caught my eye at the moment, and I reached for it. It was one of the first photos we had taken together back when we were eleven years old and only a few months into Hogwarts. Riley was wearing a grin from ear to ear while hopping on Lily's back and I stood off to the side laughing the entire time.
I tossed the photo towards Riley. "Yeah," I said with a smile. "Yeah, I think we could go back to being the friends we used to be."
A smile spread across Riley's face at the photo. She passed it to Lily to look at, who broke out into her own smile. "That was the night Sirius dubbed us the Three Musketeers," Riley reminded.
"Oh, wow, I haven't heard that nickname in forever!" Lily giggled, her eyes lighting up.
I had a feeling she may have had one too many drinks tonight. "Feels like old times," I couldn't help but comment, finding myself meaning it. It was a long road to get the three of us back to the way it used to be, but I had confidence that the past mistakes could be forgiven and forgotten. None of us were perfect. Riley would even admit that. But what was the point in harboring resentment anymore? Lily was leaving in two days and I could have felt lost without her. But Riley and I used to be best friends. So just because I was losing Lily didn't mean I had to lose sight of friendship in general.
"Here's to friendship," I said, grabbing the firewhisky bottle and raising it up.
Lily and Riley didn't have anything to raise up as the firewhisky bottle was all we had, but they both smiled and said in unison anyway, "Here's to friendship."
++JAMES++
I couldn't sleep that night. I tossed and I turned but every time I closed my eyes, I saw Lily and Sirius tangled in the sheets and the hatred was exploding through my veins. At some point during the night, I simply grabbed my throw blanket and crawled out on to the balcony, welcoming the crisp air against my face.
So much had changed. Too much. And I knew that a good portion of it was because of me, but it all still hurt nonetheless. A year ago we were all happy. And now I was pretty sure none of us were.
"Hey."
I shrieked, jumping about a mile at the unexpected voice in my doorway. "Shit, Moony, you scared the crap out of me!"
He shrugged, leaning against the doorframe. "Deep in thought, hm?"
More like trying not to think at all. "What are you doing up? It's barely six in the morning."
"Couldn't sleep."
Well, that makes two of us. I said nothing, turning back towards the grounds with a sigh.
"I had a strong suspicion you probably couldn't either," he continued.
Once again, I didn't respond.
He sighed. "Are you okay, James?"
Everything inside of me turned numb with hollow desolation. "How could I possibly be okay, Moony?" I found myself murmuring. "Everything is so different today than it was yesterday morning. The girl I thought I was in love with is no longer the same girl. My best friend is now my worst enemy. And I…hell, I don't even know who I am anymore. It's all just a mess."
He said nothing at first and I was grateful for it. I wasn't in the mood to talk about any of it. I didn't want to think about it much less talk about it. If I spent any time thinking about it, my head and my heart would explode with a mixture of anger and frustration and heartbreak.
"Want to go grab a drink?"
My brow furrowed as I glanced up at Remus. "It's six-thirty in the morning."
He shrugged. "When has that ever stopped us before?"
Well, between sitting on the cold balcony in self-pity or getting a drink with my friend, the latter seemed like a much better option. "Nothing is going to be open at this time."
"Leave that up to me."
++PETER++
I love being woken up at seven in the morning to banging on my door and screams from my surly friends.
Not.
"Do you have any idea what time it is?" I groaned, glaring at James and Remus who were now standing in my doorway.
"Approximately six-fifty-seven," James responded with shrug. "Now how about you open up your pub downstairs for a special occasion, hm?"
"Is the special occasion me murdering my two mates?"
"That would really put a damper on my weekend plans."
I shot him a glare, though was surprised to find he looked rather annoyed at me.
"What weekend plans?" Remus interjected with a snort. "Drinking yourself into a stupor?"
"Exactly Being dead would really hinder that."
"Prongs-"
"Alright, what's going on," I interrupted, cutting their bickering off. "Because I have to say, it's rather unusual for you two to be barging into my flat so early on a Saturday morning."
I watched the two of them share a glance with each other. James shook his head curtly while Remus shot him a warning look. A few more gestures went on between them without another word.
"Seriously, start telling me something, or I'm slamming this door in your face and you'll be forced to be without alcohol!"
"Sirius slept with Lily," Remus blurted out.
I froze. Literally froze. I couldn't think or talk or do anything because I was too much in shock. No, shock didn't even begin to describe it. James and Sirius were...well, they were James and Sirius. They were the type of best mates everyone wanted to be. A close and personal friendship that everyone strove for. A bromance in the highest degree. There were often times I was actually jealous of that because even though I was a Marauder at heart, I knew I would never have the type of friendship that those two shared with each other. They had had it all. Or at least I thought they did.
"Wormtail!"
I snapped out of it. "Sirius did what?" was what I finally said.
"You heard him right," James grumbled, hanging his head with a sigh. "Now where did we land on you opening up your pub?"
My father was going to kill me but Marauders came first.
Well, at least three-fourths of the Marauders.
"So…" I murmured when silence filled the room. "Am I to assume I shouldn't ask questions about…well, you know?"
"Oh, look, finally Wormtail is smart," James snorted into his firewhisky.
I shot him a glare. "And for that, I think I'm allowed to ask what the hell happened?"
"Not if you don't want this shot thrown in your face."
I glanced over at Remus, who merely shook his head as if to beg me to let it go. Why was I always out of the loop? It seemed as if I was always the last one to find out anything. Sometimes, I never found out until someone slipped it into conversation and I had to come up with my own assumption. We were supposed to be the Marauders – friends for life. But what kind of friendship was this? One Marauder is sleeping with another's girlfriend and the others are keeping secrets from one.
Then again, I was also keeping a secret from them, so I guess I couldn't really blame them for that one.
I merely sighed. "So is there any topic I can safely stick with now or were you all planning to just sit in silence drinking all of my firewhisky?"
"It's your father's firewhisky, mate," James reminded me. "And I was more leaning towards sitting in silence."
For some reason, that juts made me angry. "No! We aren't going to just sit here in silence like a bunch of boring fuddy-duddys!"
"Did you just say fuddy-"
"We are the Marauders! When have we ever sat in silence? Ever? We are usually all talking over each other. We are loud and obnoxious and we love it! We laugh, we have fun, but we don't sit in silence!"
"When was the last time any of us laughed?" James snorted, his eyes blazing with frustration. "And sorry to burst you bubble, Wormtail, but the Marauders are over. So maybe once upon a time we didn't sit in silence, but everything's changed now."
The Marauders are over.
I ignored everything else he said, only able to focus on that. "But, th-the Marauders can't be over!" I sputtered out.
"Sirius slept with Lily!" James snarled. "Of course the fucking Marauders are over!"
"But-"
"There's no but, Peter," James sighed, shaking his head. "Just sit there in silence and drink your goddamned firewhisky."
I listened to him, but only because I didn't know what else to say. I had always been so frightened for this very moment. All I had ever really had was the Marauders. They took me under their wing when it was clear everyone thought I didn't fit in. They made me feel like one of them. For so long, I could live vicariously through their crazy ways and enjoy every minute of it. The girls, the popularity, the pranks, the jealousy. There was a bond among all of us that wasn't supposed to be broken. It couldn't be broken.
Because the moment it was broken was the moment I had nothing left to live for.
And I really wasn't ready to completely surrender myself to Voldemort.
A/N: Where do I start? Poor Sirius. Poor Lily. Poor Keegan. Poor James. And I'd say Poor Peter, but...well, it's Peter. At least Lily is trying to find ways to move on. I know that some people aren't a fan of Riley's, and honestly at times, neither am I, but she was an original Three Musketeer and I needed them to find their way back together by the end of the story because there needs to be some sort of closure for them. Lily needs something to live for, Kay needs a friend when Lily leaves, and Riley needs to finally apologize for everything she put them through. Now that their turn has come, we just have to wait for the Marauders!
So what will happen with them? What will happen between Sirius and Keegan? Will Lily leave? Stay tuned to find out!
