Chapter inspiration: I'm Still Breathing (Katy Perry)


Joel sat in his empty dorm room one night. He looked down at the switchblade on the desk. The last time he cut was a year ago when his older brother died. Aaron Richardson was not a model big brother; in fact, he wasn't much of a brother to Joel in the first place, seeing as how he'd relentlessly tortured Joel about being gay and inadvertently outed him in front of the entire school, but Joel always credited his older brother with teaching him how to fight, which came in handy more often than he'd expected.

Joel found out about his brother's passing from his mother, who never called him, so when she did, he immediately knew something was amiss. It turned out that Aaron was out with three of his college friends at a party. They drove home and the car swerved off the road into the path of an oncoming truck. All four boys died on impact.

A day didn't go by that Joel didn't remember Aaron in some way, whether it be good or bad. He remembered a few of the instances Aaron was a good brother, like the time he had beaten up a kid who was giving Joel a hard time.

Tonight, however, was different. He wanted to cut, not because his brother was gone, but because he'd encountered the kids from his old school. As per usual, there were four of them and only one of him. They didn't beat him up, only heckled him until the bus showed up half an hour late. Upon returning to Dalton, he was confronted and yelled at by Hunter for not attending a Warbler rehearsal. Normally, he would have told the Warbler captain to fuck off, but he just stood there being berated for fifteen minutes before Hunter stormed off. He'd ignored Nick and Jeff's attempts to cheer him up and curled up out back to cry for the better part of an hour. No one at Dalton had ever seen him cry and Joel intended to keep it that way.

For most of his life, Joel had come to believe that crying showed weakness and therefore swore to put on a brave face when he was around everyone else. He used sarcasm to hide his true feelings and always wore long-sleeve shirts underneath his Dalton uniform to keep everyone from seeing the multiple cuts and lacerations made to his flesh.

Joel picked up the switchblade and took a deep breath, rolling up a sleeve. His eyes teared up just as he pushed the blade to his upper arm, a place any sharp object had yet to explore. He swallowed and felt something warm run down his arm.

The door suddenly burst open and there stood Nick, Jeff, and Sebastian.

"Oh my God," Sebastian muttered, rushing to Joel's side. "Joel?"

"What do you want?" Joel whispered, still pushing the blade into his skin. "Go away. Please, Sebastian, just leave me alone."

"Why are you doing this?" Nick bent down in front of Joel, taking the boy's hands.

"Because I know I'm not wanted here," Joel said softly. "The dirty looks, the shoves in the hallway... I can't deal with it anymore."

"Is someone at Dalton bullying you?" Jeff asked. "They can't do that. You know that."

"They can if they're jocks with scholarships." Joel looked over at the blond boy, whose face was white at the sight of Joel's blood. "They're untouchable. Not like me, a freak, a loser who got kicked out of public school for weapon possession."

Sebastian picked up an empty vodka bottle from the floor. "Damn it, Joel, you've been drinking again?"

"I never stopped," he murmured. "It dulls the pain. Even just for a little while."

"Why are you sad, Joel?" Jeff brushed his hair out of his eyes and looked at the other boy with worry.

"Because I'm a fuck-up, that's why. I can't do anything right. I went out today and not only got harassed by the kids from my old school, but when I came back, there was a rehearsal I missed and got chewed out by Hunter for fifteen minutes."

"I did hear him yeling at someone," Nick said. "I just didn't know who."

"He told me what everyone thinks of me." Joel felt a tear slide down his cheek. "He said that you all only tolerate me because you feel sorry for me." Joel knew he was about to cry but at this point didn't care. "H-he told me that if I wasn't going to give it my all at Sectionals, I should just off myself now."

"He said what?!" Nick stood up, fists clenched. Hunter Clarington had said plenty of horrible things to them but this was a new low. Telling Joel to off himself was the worst thing he'd ever heard someone even think of saying to another. Joel was oblivious to this, but the Warblers knew that his self-esteem was dangerously low and that even the slightest thing could send him over the edge.

"He told me, and I quote, 'Richardson, you worthless little fucker, if you're not going to give the competition everything you got, you should kill yourself before you humiliate us'," Joel repeated, more tears streaming down his face.

"I cannot believe he actually said that." Sebastian shook his head; he knew Hunter could be irrational at times but this was insane. Joel pulled out his phone and played what he had recorded. The exact words came out of the phone's speaker before they heard a thud.

"He pushed me to the floor and left," Joel explained. Nick and Sebastian both stood stock-still, breathing hard. Nick was waiting for a good excuse to deck Hunter for all his nastiness and Sebastian was in shock about how his boyfriend could be so awful to someone.

"Jeff, stay with Joel," Nick said. "And I'm taking that." He snatched the switchblade from Joel's hand.

"We'll be right back, Joel, Jeff." Sebastian and Nick walked out of the dorm and headed a few doors up. Joel and Jeff walked to the door and watched as Hunter opened his door and was subsequently punched by Nick, knocking him to the floor.

"What the fuck was that for, Duval?" Hunter shouted, holding his bleeding nose.

"You do not, repeat not, tell someone to off themselves!" Nick yelled. Jeff watched as his usually reserved boyfriend lost his shit. "And you of all people should know that!"

"Don't—" Hunter didn't finish as Nick slammed him into the wall. Sebastian, Jeff, and Joel looked on in shock. Nick was small, smaller than most sixteen-year-olds, but he'd worked out so often that everyone at Dalton knew not to mess with him. "Duval, let me go!"

"Shut up, Clarington!" Nick was beyond normal pissed. "You cannot go around telling anyone—least of all, someone like Joel—to go kill themselves! Remember that emergency meeting we had a month ago?" Hunter seemed to think back and his eyes widened.

"Fuck," he muttered. "Duval, I—"

"I'm not the one you apologize to," Nick said, his voice calmer now. Hunter looked over at Joel and bit his lip.

Joel watched as the much larger Warbler captain approached him and looked at his shoes. "Joel, I—I don't know how to apologize for what I said to you. It was beyond fucked up and I was just beside myself. I am really, really sorry, man." Joel looked up into Hunter's eyes and saw that he meant it. He sighed and embraced Hunter.

"It's okay," he said. "That's not the worst thing I've ever been told to do, but I appreciate the apology."

"I have to do something to make up for this, Joel." Hunter thought it over. "Want a solo at Sectionals?"

"Really?" Hunter nodded. "But you'd never let me, of all people—"

"You deserve it, Joel. You're one of the oldest Warblers and you've never had a competition performance, so it's about time you got one."

"Can I pick the song?" Hunter mulled this over.

"So long as you don't take recommendations from Herlihy." Louis happened to pass at that moment.

"Hey!"