I rubbed my eyes as I woke from my music-induced slumber, groaning slightly as I sat upright on the bed and pushed a few woolen blankets off me.
I had to stifle a sigh of relief in seeing Erik fast asleep, on his knees, his head tucked up in his arms on the bedsheets. His breathing was relaxed, barely audible, instead of the panicked whimpers that he emitted during nightmares. Thank goodness for that, poor thing.
When he was rested, I could convince him to free me. But... I couldn't help wondering if this really was best, staying inside. Yes, it was a month before I ought to stay home all the time, but hadn't I been neglecting the baby? Hadn't I been careless? All my thoughts had concerned myself, of what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go, and... What if I would be a horrible, selfish mother? What if this wasn't right?
I wanted to look through the little pastel books again, because they always helped me when I was troubled about the baby, but they seemed to have gone missing. Erik must have taken them.
I emitted a sigh that turned into a moan, and I curled up on my side, shifting around to get comfortable, which was becoming less and less easy as the days flew by. Oh, I hoped they would fly by fast! He would let me out once the baby was born.
Once the baby was born... I had always thought that statement and been filled with hope. Now, however, as I began to feel the baby, as a tangible being and not a thing or idea, there was a different emotion; I had condemned this child as much as Erik feared he had.
I had condemned my child to be as trapped as I was.
The truth in this made something dark settle in the pit of my stomach. I had done such a terrible thing...
But I could remedy it! I knew I could be a good mother, a perfect mother, if I tried hard enough. And I would! I could find a way to manage, and Erik ought to recover after all this mess, he had to. Then I would devote all my energy to the baby, all my love, and I would try to never think of myself again. What a relief that would be...
Would that make me happy, though? And how would Erik feel if I spent all my time with the baby and not him?
It was all so twisted up and complicated that I didn't know what to think. Women were supposed to be mothers, that was a fact, and I felt no different, but I feared... I feared I was not so similar to them. I had tried to have my own career, wanted freedom above all else, unlike them, who spent their lives tending to a house and pleasing a husband and caring for children and... I wasn't like that.
What if I wasn't meant to be a mother?
Even with all these tormenting thoughts, I did not regret that I was pregnant. I only felt fear, so much fear and trepidation, both for myself and the child.
I felt very much like I had built a lovely cage and been so caught up in its loveliness that I realized too late that it was meant for me.
Erik stirred as I shifted my skirts over the side of the bed, and I bit my lip for fear he would wake. How stupid I was being! Waking him up when he was peaceful, just to stand up?
His papery eyelids opened, and he was for a moment very content to be so close to me, and nearly tried to kiss my hand. Then he remembered, swiftly pulling away and rising, and instead sought the wall for company.
"Forgive me, I didn't mean to fall asleep," he said softly. "I'll leave you alone now, if you want-"
"Can I go downstairs? Please?" I begged.
I saw the wheels in his head turning, and I hastened to make my argument before they ceased.
"You can hold my hand," I pleaded swiftly, "and I'll hold the railing when I go down, and we'll be so terribly cautious, and I promise not to go into the garden or even think of going anywhere at all, I promise, I just can't bear being in here much longer, Erik, I feel like I'm going to cry, and it's upset me so, what if it's upsetting the baby too? And I'm so alone and frightened of being shut away in my room, I want to cry."
His eyes softened, and I had to contain a sigh of relief.
"My love, my Christine," he told me devotedly, "forgive Erik for loving you and the baby so much, or else you could go wherever you wanted-"
"But other women-"
"You're safe here!" He said, emphatic and seeming as if his nap had done nothing for his sanity. "So safe, and comfortable, with a nice bed to lie on all the time, and your knitting to work on, and your books- oh, forgive me, I need to retrieve those for you... I'll care for you here until the baby comes, and we won't need to worry about the stairs or the garden, or caution, only that you're content in here. But the baby will make you content, if I can't."
For a moment, he was rather pleased with himself, as if he thought he had succeeded in consoling me. But his face fell as I burst into tears, curling up around my swollen abdomen.
"Oh, Christine, please, please don't, do you want something?" He offered. "I bought you gifts you still haven't opened, since you fell asleep, would you open them now? Or I'll fetch a cat for you, if that will help, or anything else, anything, please cease... Oh, how terrible this is! You need a baby to be happy, as women do, but, oh, my little Christine, Erik wishes... Erik wishes there wasn't a baby! Then he wouldn't have to be concerned about you, and lock you away, but he must do that to keep you safe. He can't lose you, he can't, not the only person who has ever looked upon him without fear and not hated him, he can't, he can't! He loves you so, and he wants to give you anything! So he gave you the baby, to make you happy, even though it could... it could... take you away... f-from him..."
He started to weep as I was, falling upon the side of the bed and clinging to the sheets, crumpling up in his sorrows.
He was just as conflicted as I... And I hadn't even truly realized the sacrifice that he had made. I had thought he was actually being selfish in wanting to conceive the child, and of course there was some of that, but he had earnestly wanted to ensure my happiness, even if I died trying to earn it. He had actually sacrificed his happiness for mine.
"It's very unlikely I'll die," I told him, feeling an odd sensation trickle through me at these words, fear or confusion I knew not. "You'll get me a good midwife, and with all the advancements now, and being well fed and safe, I'll be perfectly fine."
"A m-midwife?" He asked, snapping out of his tears for a moment. "No, a doctor, doctors are becoming more common now, better, all the wealthy families have doctors come-"
"Erik, a midwife is fine. I was delivered with the help of one in Sweden, and my mother was fine... until she became ill six years later... But I want a midwife. And... and a doctor, Erik, a man, I don't want... I-I don't really want a man helping with it."
"Why not?"
My face burned, "Erik, I'm not going to be decent at all during it. I don't want a man... l-looking at me."
"But... but you've been seen before by... a-a man," he said nervously, quickly moving along. "And is your modesty worth it?"
"A midwife is enough."
"Could you have both? Yes, there ought to be a way for both! Will that appease you?"
"No, Erik, I want-"
"It doesn't matter what you want!"
My mouth shut in hurt confusion, and he instantly regretted his words, I could tell, but they hung in the air, a blatant truth.
It didn't matter what I wanted. I was now owned by two people who needed me.
"Oh, my dear, Erik didn't mean that," he pleaded, "only that-"
"No. You're right." I replied softly. "You're right. It isn't what I want... It should be what's best, which I suppose is a doctor, and I will swallow my pride for the baby... and you."
He sobbed in relief, "How wonderful you are, my Christine, to be so selfless and thoughtful- and they're very polite and respectful, doctors, I hear. They have to be. And of course you can have a midwife, too, as that will appease you to have a woman in the room, for comfort... What happens during birth? Do you know?"
"I just know it hurts is all."
"Surely they have medicine for the pain, or something of that nature."
"Maybe, but I won't take any."
The abysses his eyes rested in widened, "What do you mean? Not take any?"
"Why should I? Women have been doing this for all of time with the pain. It's natural... And surely it's not so bad."
He fidgeted, "You... you don't want to take anything to help you?"
"You seem to know something about birth that you won't tell me."
"Of course not," he replied unconvincingly.
"Is it so bad?... Erik, tell me, you're pale all of a sudden! Give me an answer!"
He went closer to the wall, avoiding my gaze like it would burn him, and he fidgeted for a moment.
"I know very little," he told me quietly. "No more than you."
"Then why are you behaving like this?"
He thought for a moment, then put his arms up in violent decision, "You don't get to know! You will take what they give you, for the baby, and if not for that, because I told you to and I'm your husband!"
He slammed the door behind him as he fled, and I stared at it, stunned.
Oh, now I was afraid of the birth! When would this nightmare end?
Perhaps never...
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Another review about contradictory end statements, and I agree that my end statements definitely are my own opinions, which might not come through in writing. But the review (thanks so much, anonymous, btw) gave me the idea to write a little thing about my Christine, and how I see her. As a reader, you can form your own opinions, but here are mine.
Christine is not selfish overall. I would not classify wanting some happiness for yourself while being kind to the man who forced you into marriage as selfishness. It was an act of desperation, the baby, for something for herself. She's not this perfect selfless being; she has her own mind and will. And though it was on overall selfish choice to have the baby, and she was not truly comprehending the effects (but her mental state was pretty poor around that time, as she had just lost someone and her freedom), she did conceive a baby with Erik, and it's noticeable that she probably tried her best to make it pleasant for him (obviously not so much in the beginning) even though she despised it and only grew accustomed to it over time. That is far from selfish, and I think the whole baby thing really does show that she's not this perfect woman, but flawed in her own way, while being kind and strong regardless.
Erik has actually been incredibly selfless in letting her have the baby. I'm putting that more into the next chapter, though, but here's some. He knows women are supposed to have children to fulfill them, and in letting Christine have one, though he fears her death or harm, he is putting her possible happiness before his. Yes, of course there is a very selfish reason for the baby on his part, and that's what makes him not able to consider the full effects of his actions. But he has changed very much, and though locking her in her room is a terrible idea and he needs the sleep something awful, he is still trying to protect her and love her in his very messed up way.
Christine's internal thoughts do not always reflect mine, by the way, especially in these next few chapters.
Sorry, long rant. Agree or disagree, that's just my take :)
