Chapter forty-three: The sun shines through the rain
I stare at the man I love in shock. I cannot believe he just said those words to me. I shake my head. "You say that you love me….right in the middle of saying that we're getting a divorce?"
"You know that I love you and you also know that I am right!" He snaps at me. "I'm doing what's best for you and the children. I should have never come back into their lives! What kind of father am I for them? A father who takes off for two years and then shows up out of the blue! Not to mention, who shouts at them, then traumatizes them for life by getting shot!"
"And the man who cries during Disney movies with them."
Sherlock draws himself up indignantly. "That was a one time thing."
I roll my eyes. "Who hasn't cried during Bambi? Sherlock-
"No Tammy. You can talk all you want, but I am not putting you through this anymore. We've known for a while that it's over between us. I think I've known it was over from the moment you saw me kissing Janine. That was the biggest mistake I've made in my life and I shall pay for it every day of my life."
"Sherlock, will you shut up and let me talk?" I demand. "You're doing it again. You're cutting me out and not including me in any of your decisions." He glares at me from his bed. "Well it's true! You don't know how I feel!"
"I've known how you felt for a while. It's obvious."
"Yes, very obvious." I decide to speak what my heart had decided the moment I saw Sherlock bleeding on the floor. "It was very obvious that I wanted a divorce when I screamed to God to let you live! It was very obvious that I wanted a divorce when I helped you escape from the hospital. And it was obvious when I was supporting you the entire time afterwards. I was very, very concerned for you!"
"It's your nature."
"No! It's because I love you!" His eyes bulge and he stares at me in complete shock. "And I never, ever, want to be in love with anyone else but you."
"Oh Tammy, stop it!" he snaps. "You cannot still love me! Not after the way I've treated you!"
"I am."
"How can you? I don't even expect you to forgive me!"
"I can't at this moment!" I snap at him. "Sherlock that is going to be something that is going to surface on occasion through our life together. I'm even willing to let you cheat on me again, for a case, if you warn me in advance and if there are conditions."
"For God's sake-
"I'm not finished! Now, we have a full month of working this out together."
"We're not working anything out."
"Don't argue with me Sherlock. I'm right, I'm always right in this case and you know it! We are going to work this out and one day you and I will look back and tell the children about that you had this stupid thought of divorcing me. Personally, I think it's the emotions that you have buried deep down inside you that causing you to have this mixed up reaction."
Light breaks in my mind. The last time I saw Sherlock this agitated and distant was at Baskerville. I glanced at him, sure enough; he had the same expression on his face. Thank goodness our beds were side by side, so I could do what I had to do.
"I don't understand you at all!" Sherlock is exasperated. "You should not be thinking this way at all! It's not rational!" I force myself up to my knees and crawl towards him. Sherlock's eyes flash. "What are you doing?" I bring my hand back and smack him twice. He grabs his cheek. "Why did you-
I don't give him a chance to answer. I throw my arms around his neck and kiss him. Sherlock jumps and his hands move to push me away, but then my stomach touches him and he freezes. I can feel his mind running over a mile a minute. This was the first makeout session that I'd initiated with Sherlock and I felt rather clumsy, but it got better when I felt his resistance breaks down and he returned my kisses. I smiled triumphantly, knowing I had him under my spell for a change.
We pull away, breathing heavily, our faces very close together. I inhale and ask. "How could you even think of leaving me?"
I bite my lip, studying Sherlock's face for the nerves of steel to shatter. And thank God, they did. Sherlock leaned forward and kissed me again, I reached up and ran my hand up those familiar cheekbones and through his hair. He shuddered and broke the kiss to place kisses all over my face. "I don't know. I don't know."
I shiver as I stroke his face with my hand. "You've got to learn to communicate."
He groans. "I'll try."
"I know you will. You started a while ago."
"Tammy, I'm sorry, it's just that," he breaks off and cups my face in his hands. "I was looking at you, finally awake after being unconscious for two days. And I realized…what a cruel man I am to you. You told me that once before, I shrugged it off, but then I got a good look at what I am. I almost caused you to miscarry."
"It wasn't your fault."
"Don't tell me that. I put you through so much stress this past week and a half it's a wonder you haven't died."
"Sherlock," I place a finger on his lips. "shut up. For once, shut up and actually believe me when I say something. It wasn't your fault, if it was, I would have miscarried when you died. The stress of your death alone should have caused me to miscarry. Now," I pull the covers back and snuggle under them. Sherlock carefully tucks them around my chin. I exhale and place my hands on my stomach and begin drumming my fingers on my growing stomach. "let's talk. First thing first, I don't want a divorce."
I held my breath as he spoke the following words. "I don't want one either. I don't want you out of my sight."
"Good! Because I don't want you out of my arms again either!" I jab my finger into his chest. "And if you ever say something horrid like to me again, when I'm carrying your children, I will have John blow your bloody head off! Why'd you say that to me?"
"I guess…I was just so relieved to see that you were going to live that I wanted you to be free to live your life happy and safe. I could see you happy in your new life without me constantly making a mess of it and hurting you."
"That doesn't make sense Sherlock." I point out. "We can't get a divorce anyway. Did you forget how many enemies of yours would try to turn your four children and me, your ex-wife into targets?"
He looks down and mutters. "No."
"I can't hear you."
"No!"
"That isn't love Sherlock, or in someone's warped frame of mind it could be. You would be setting me free from life of hurt and danger, but it would definitely be kinder of you to simply shoot me. It'd be quicker and a lot painless."
"There are ways for you to be safe, security measures and all that."
"A lot of good it did Mary and she's obviously a lot smarter than me. I can't think of anyone who could protect me and the children better than you."
He inhales raggedly. "And I can hurt you more than anyone else."
"You can hurt us emotionally, but not physically. And what about our children? What about them? You can't just abandon them. You're a stupid man Sherlock Holmes. An idiot! A brilliant idiot, but an idiot none the less." He chuckles and rolls his eyes. His hands are shaking and I study his face. Sherlock is very moved by my words, but as always, he's not willing to communicate them to me. "Just cry Sherlock."
He glowers at me. "Why?"
"Because, I think that…this time, everything is honestly going to be ok. You've got so much to be happy and grateful for. You're going to be present for the birth of your two sons. Our marriage is still in one broken piece, but we've got some work to do, a lot of work on both our parts. But I do honestly think that we can put it back together. We have to talk more, take possibilities into consideration, and many more things." Tears begin to fill my eyes. "But most of all, you haven't lost me. And you won't Sherlock."
That's when the tears fill his eyes. "I almost did." He croaks out.
"You'll never lose me Sherlock, you'll get close, but not completely. I won't deny that I did consider a divorce, but that was only once and it was a very brief thought. But to steal some wise words from Mathew Crawley, "I don't think either of us would be happy with anyone else as long as either of us walked the earth." I know I couldn't be happy without you, I know from experience...I can't."
A sob, from deep within Sherlock's soul, comes up and out of his mouth. He wraps his arms tightly around me, holding me close as he pours out all of his held back grief, fear and frustration. I cry with him, part of me is shedding all the tears of pain of the past, letting them go, so we can face our future. It was raining ahead of us, but the bright linings around the clouds informed me that sun was going to shine.
