Alone
(adjective)
Abandoned or detached
EX: Suddenly, she was all alone.
…
Friday
…
"Well, like I said, we can't be completely sure until after we've done an ultrasound and a Doppler. But we can give you some mild pain medication, if you'd like."
"I would", I said quietly.
He nodded and radioed for someone to bring some pain meds, then told me that he would be back in about five minutes with Doppler and ultrasound equipment.
When he left, Freddie was completely silent. The anxious look that had previously ruled his featured was gone, and in its place was a look that conveyed a sort of despair, hopelessness and fear.
He didn't seem to be able to find words, so he didn't do or say anything. He just sat and waited.
A lady came in and put in an IV, feeding in some pain medication with the fluid. She told me that it would work faster that way, and I didn't object. The pain was worsening, and I needed relief.
"Thank you", I murmured as she left.
A minute or so later, Doctor Constantine returned with a cart containing the familiar ultrasound equipment, along with the Doppler companion, so both could be done at once.
He gelled up my belly and examined the two dark forms inside, comparing them with the last pictures taken of them.
He frowned and noted something down, and then worked on trying to find a heartbeat.
I watched the screen while he did this, looking at the two beings inside.
"Do you think…", I started to ask, "Is it possible that one of them is still okay?"
Doctor Constantine shook his head slightly.
"Since they're identical, they share a sac and that makes it next to impossible for one to live while the other doesn't. It happens sometimes with fraternal twins, but not when they're identical."
"Oh."
He continued searching for a heartbeat for another ten minutes or so, before finally giving up. He had a nurse come in and take the equipment away while he finished writing on his clipboard.
"I'm sorry, Miss Puckett", said Doctor Constantine. He sounded like he meant it.
"I'll send in a nurse to go over your options with you."
Then he left. I wrapped my arms around my body and tried not to cry.
Freddie stood up and came over to me. He took one of my hands in his and warmed it up.
"You're gonna be okay", he whispered.
I closed my eyes and let a few tears fall.
"This is all my fault."
"Don't say that. It isn't true and you know that."
I opened my eyes.
"But it is! Saturday night, remember? We saw a meteor shower."
"So?" he said indignantly.
"I wished… my very first wish was that things could just go back to normal…"
"Sam, you didn't make this happen, that wasn't your wish. It is not your fault. Don't blame yourself."
"That's not even the worst part", I said as more tears began coursing down my cheeks.
"I feel horrible, because all of a sudden I'm alone. Truly alone. And I feel like I failed them, I should've been more careful, even though there's nothing I could've done. I know that, and I still feel guilty. But that's still not the worst part."
My hand was trembling in Freddie's and his eyes held so much pain it was hard to look at them.
"I feel relieved, Freddie. That's the worst part of this all. I feel relieved because now I don't have to deal with giving them away or trying to keep them. I don't have to grow up right now, and I don't have to worry about how they're doing for the rest of my life. I don't have to stress about whether I made the right decision forever. I'm so damn relieved, and that makes me feel like a monster. They're dead, and I'm fucking happy about it because my life is easier now."
A flood of tears was running down my face by then, and Freddie didn't know what to do.
His eyes were damp as well.
"Sam, it's okay. It's okay to find the good in this and focus on that instead."
"I wasn't even trying to find the good! I…"
I broke off, my throat choking up, and I closed my eyes, praying that the nurse would come in and we could be done. I wiped away the tears on my face and waited.
"Samantha Puckett?" came the southern voice.
I opened my eyes to look at the guy staring at me. Freddie had returned to his seat, and his head was hanging down in mute distress.
"I wanted to talk to you about next steps. You really have two options right now; natural miscarriage or Dilation and Curettage. Usually, we recommend passing the placenta naturally-"
I grimaced.
"-but when someone is this far along, we find that it is easier to recover from a D and C."
"What exactly is a D and C?"
He went on to explain what happens during a Dilation and Curettage, which is basically emptying out your uterus while you're drugged. Doing it naturally is like giving birth to a tiny dead baby. Or in my case, two.
"I think I'd much rather do a D and C."
He nodded.
"Most women do."
He told me the risks and the approximate time, and that it's an out-patient surgery, so you can leave an hour or two after it's over. He told me that they could do it around eight o'clock when the surgeon got in.
…
They didn't let me sleep because they were worried that if I did, the anesthesia wouldn't work very well. I, for some reason, was actually okay with this. I suppose it had something to do with the prospect of dreaming. I was afraid of what I might see if I dreamt.
Instead of sleeping, Freddie and I sat on the floor of a hospital room playing Sorry!
"HA! Sent your ass back to Start AGAIN!"
Freddie rolled his eyes and said mockingly, "You don't seem very sorry about it."
I smirked, "I'm not."
He pulled a card and moved his piece out of Start. Then I took my turn.
"AGAIN?! It's really not your day, is it Benson?"
He shook his head wearily.
I suddenly noticed the hollowness of his eyes, the way they would close for several seconds at a time, only to spring back open suddenly.
"Freddie, if you're tired-"
"Don't worry about it", he said. "I have to stay awake to make sure you do."
I sighed and nodded, and then we continued our game.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" asked Freddie unexpectedly.
I suddenly realized that my hand had been absentmindedly tracing circles on my stomach for the past five minutes. Ugh. Old habits die hard.
"No. I mean… I did. I already talked. I don't want to talk about it anymore."
He frowned, but we continued on with our game.
Just as I was about to win, a nurse showed up.
"Miss Puckett?"
I stood up.
"Yes?"
"We're ready for you. Please change into this gown", she said, handing me a flimsy thing with teddy bears on it. Her gaze darted to Freddie, then back up to me.
"No panties."
I clamped my jaws together as she left the room, trying to strangle the insults into submission. I couldn't hold it all in, so I yelled at Freddie.
"PANTIES! The NERVE of her! And what are you smiling about?"
Freddie only grew more amused. He left the room so I could change.
I scowled at the teddy bears as I changed into my gown. I had almost put one on earlier, due to the bloody state of my clothing, but I was not interested in doing so with Freddie around. I made him buy me some clothes from the gift shop. These were left on the floor in a heap when I left the room, nervously clutching the backside of my gown.
"Freddie", I murmured threateningly, "You need to stay in front of me at all times."
He laughed and led the way.
We reached the surgery prep room, where I met the doctor who explained the process and the risks all over again. Then they stuck thick socks on my feet, plopped me onto a stiff gurney, and stuck the gas mask over my face.
Suddenly, I was reminded of all the Jews that were gassed during World War Two. Or Three. Whatever.
"Sam, don't worry about anything. These guys are gonna take care of you, and you aren't going to dream. Just take deep breaths. Trust me."
Of course Freddie would know that I was afraid of dreaming. He was so damn irritating, what with his mind reading and all.
I breathed slowly and my eyes began to droop quickly.
Before I completely lost consciousness, I could've sworn I heard a short sentence whispered by someone that sounded much like Freddie.
"I love you."
…
"Sam? Sam. Sam!"
"Calm down sir, she'll regain consciousness shortly."
Who the hell was that?
Wait, why was I not unconscious and in surgery?
And why did my throat hurt so much?
I groaned and opened my eyes. Light seared them and I shut them again.
"Sam? Sam, you're done! Surgery's over."
Over? But… they hadn't even started yet.
I opened my eyes again to find a rather attractive brunette boy looking at me with concern. Something about those beautiful brown eyes was familiar…
"Sam? Come on Sam, it's Freddie. You just got out of surgery and are being wheeled into your room."
Huh?
The boy's expression took on a frustrated scowl.
"Fine. I'm sorry Sam, but this is necessary."
He took a deep breath and screwed up his features.
"You. Are. Not. Wearing. PANTIES!"
Panties? Why would I wear… oh.
I whacked Freddie weakly, still partially sedated. He smiled back at me cheerily.
"I never wear 'panties', you dork", I croaked out.
I felt myself being lifted and considered fighting but I was drugged, and couldn't control my body well enough.
A nurse set me down on my hospital bed, where Freddie pulled the sheets from under me, throwing them over my body.
"You're probably gonna want a little more sleep. We have plenty of time."
I tried to object, but my eyelids were becoming unusually heavy.
Freddie put a hand on my arm and smiled down at me.
"Sleep, Sammy. You'll feel better."
As I drifted off to sleep, I looked into those brown eyes and saw a kind of caring in them that I'd never witnessed. All of a sudden, I didn't feel so alone anymore.
…
Just one more chapter until the end of the story!
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