The Witcher: Part L

The Ascension of the Witcher

Previously, on The Witcher:

Geralt has finally retrieved the Sword of Death! Unfortunately, to activate it, he must go against his morals: he must kill Adolf Hitler. Adolf Hitler has just slashed Geralt's face, and is generally overpowering Geralt in this ultimate battle.

How will our hero make it out of this predicament?

Geralt staggered back, clutching his face. He cast a quick healing spell to repair the damage done by Hitler's slash, leaving an unsightly scar running down his face.

Adolf Hitler charged forward towards Geralt, and sliced at Geralt once more. Geralt used magick to collapse part of the roof of the Palace of Death down on Hitler. Hitler jumped back, as Geralt flew forward, slicing madly at Hitler.

"Go Geralt!" cried Ciri, who was trying to fight off a bunch of Nazi Elf Draugr.

Geralt jumped forward again, and Hitler jumped back, out the front door of the Palace of Death. Geralt sliced at Hitler, and Hitler parried, but he was pushed back by the force of Geralt's slice. Hitler tripped and stumbled and then fell down the steps which lead up to the Palace of Death. Hitler stood up at the bottom of the steps.

"COME ON, MIGHTY WITCHER!" yelled Hitler. "YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT!"

Enraged, Geralt jumped down the steps, aiming the Sword of Death at Hitler's chest. Hitler parried, and then used magickek to create a massive snowball. He chucked the snowball at Geralt, and Geralt was knocked quite a bit down the Mountain of Death. Hitler jumped down to where Geralt was, and sliced.

Geralt blocked and then magicked a series of rocks out of the ground, and threw them at Hitler. Hitler destroyed them all using his incredible power, and then Hitler unrooted a nearby tree and threw it at Geralt. Geralt sliced the tree in half with the Sword of Death, and then shot several sword beams at Hitler. Hitler jumped up into the air to dodge the sword beams, and then he came back down, hitting the ground as hard as he could with a massive ground pound.

Geralt jumped to avoid the shockwave of the ground pound. And then the ground started to shake.

"What have you done?" asked Geralt.

"My ground pound has caused... an AVALANCHE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" yelled Hitler maniacally.

A wave of white snow was torrenting down the Mountain of Death. Geralt jumped up just as the avalanche passed over, and landed on a rocky platform which was sliding down the mountainside in the avalanche. Hitler had also jumped up, and landed on Geralt's rock.

Hitler sliced at Geralt and Geralt parried and stabbed and Hitler ducked and rolled and sliced at Geralt's back and Geralt jumped up and slashed at Hitler's head. Hitler ducked and punched the rocky platform, causing it to disintegrate. Geralt and Hitler both fell down into the avalanche.

The two were swept down the mountainside, until the rolling avalanche came to an abrupt stop. It had hit the wall of the city of Kaer Morhen. Geralt and Hitler, both mildly fatigued, slowly stood up.

"I'm surprised you've lasted this long, Witcher!" yelled Adolf Hitler. "But... there is but one inevitable result! YOUR DOOM! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Hitler flew up to the wall of Kaer Morhen, and used magickek to bring it crumbling down on top of Geralt. Geralt flew up, dodging the falling rubble. Geralt and Hitler both landed on a street in Kaer Morhen. Greybeards were running everywhere, terrified of Adolf Hitler.

Hitler grabbed a nearby music shop with magickek, pulled it out of its foundations, and threw it at Geralt. Geralt blocked the music shop with his sword, and the music shop shattered.

"This is a pretty good sword," said Geralt, admiring the strength of the Sword of Death.

Hitler then grabbed some cars off the road and chucked them at Geralt. Geralt blocked them, but was knocked back by the force of Hitler's throwing. Geralt was thrown back through the wall of a nearby building.

He was surprised to find himself landing in an indoor swimming pool. A bunch of bathing greybeards screamed as Hitler tore down the wall of the swimming pool building and jumped in to follow Geralt.

Geralt tried to fly up, out of the swimming pool. Hitler used magickek to force Geralt's head under the swimming pool. Geralt resisted, pulling his head out of the water, and then sending a torrent of swimming pool water at Adolf Hitler.

Hitler was hit, and he ended up being drenched in the putrid water of the greybeards. Enraged, Hitler went up to all of the greybeards, and sliced his sword at them, massacring male, female, and child greybeards indiscriminately.

"No!" cried Geralt. Geralt rushed forward to stop Hitler from massacring the bathers. He sliced at Hitler with incredible force and incredible anger.

Hitler was pushed back through the wall back onto the road. Geralt jumped through the Hitler-shaped hole in the wall and wildly slashed at Hitler. Hitler rolled out of the way, and ran into another nearby building, away from the wrathful Witcher.

Geralt entered this building, and saw poker tables and dice and tables with stacks of plastic chips.

"Welcome to the Kaer Morhen casino!" said a nearby greybeard to Hitler. It was Wulfgar. "Oh, hi Geralt! What brings you back to Kaer Mor-"

Hitler stabbed his sword through Wulfgar, and Wulfgar was no more.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" yelled Hitler. "I am unstoppable!"

Hitler grabbed some poker tables and threw them at Geralt. Geralt collapsed parts of the roof down on Hitler, who rolled out of the way and grabbed tables and rubble and threw them at Geralt.

Geralt dodged and shot a carefully aimed bolt of lightning at Hitler. Hitler dodged the bolt of lightning with superhuman speed and it hit the wall behind Hitler, setting it on fire. Hitler propagated the fire, spreading it across the casino.

"THERE IS NO ESCAPE NOW!" yelled Hitler.

The fire blazed stronger and stronger, and all of the greybeards in the casino got roasted. Geralt shielded himself from the flames, and only just escaped the blazing casino.

Hitler jumped out from the flames and sliced at Geralt at his sword, sending Geralt through several walls to a nearby movie theatre. Hitler jumped forward, following Geralt into the movie theatre.

Coincidentally, the film that was currently on was 'The Last Witcher', up to the final battle scene between Geralt and Hitler. Hitler stood and watched M. Night Shyamalan's masterpiece for a few moments, and then he saw himself get killed.

"This film sucks!" yelled Hitler. And Hitler jumped up to the projectionist, stabbed him, and then destroyed the projector. Geralt jumped up to the projection room, following Hitler. Just then, M. Night Shyamalan entered the projection room.

"Hey, aren't you the Witcher? And aren't you Adolf Hitler?" he asked somewhat confusedly.

"Are you M. Night Shyamalan?" asked Hitler. "Did you make that terrible film?"

"I think it was quite a good film," said M. Night Shyamalan. "It's just that you weren't the right target audi-" Hitler stabbed M. Night Shyamalan and M. Night Shyamalan was no more.

"You didn't have to do that!" yelled Geralt.

"I've done a service to the world!" replied Hitler. Geralt Fus Ro Dah'd Hitler, pushing Hitler back through several walls onto the road once again.

Geralt jumped out of the movie theatre area, and jumped onto a nearby tractor.

"Hi," said Geralt to the greybeard driving the tractor. And then Geralt pushed the driver aside, and commandeered the tractor. He drove it straight towards the prone form of Hitler.

Hitler rolled out of way, and sent a cleverly aimed rock at the engine of the tractor. The tractor exploded, and Geralt and the greybeard were chucked out.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Hitler. Hitler then summoned a massive thunderstorm, and the red sky turned dark.

Hitler directed numerous lightning bolts at Geralt, and Geralt rolled around, dodging them. Many buildings and greybeards were hit by stray lightning bolts, causing massive fires to spread across Kaer Morhen.

Geralt jumped up on the side of a hotel building to avoid the lightning bolts. Then, Hitler laughed, and conjured a massive tornado. The tornado moved through the hotel building, destroying it, and Hitler aimed another set of lightning bolts at Geralt.

Geralt dodged, as the tornado whipped through Kaer Morhen, destroying many buildings. Greybeards ran screaming through the streets.

While Geralt was dodging through the streets, he saw a sign with a world map on it. Geralt stopped for a moment and looked at the Mountain of Death on the map: it was coloured red.

"Aha!" said Geralt.

The Palace of Death was largely destroyed. Countless numbers of Nazi Elf Draugr were flooding the Chamber of Death. Severus, Lady Feudalism, Communist O'Lenin, Klippi, Ciri, and Christian White stood back to back, joined in their bid for survival.

Lady Feudalism and Severus were working together: conjuring fireballs and lightning to destroy swathes of Nazi Elf Draugr. Likewise, Ciri and Klippi were fighting together, with Ciri using her portal gun to stop Nazi Elf Draugr from reaching Klippi. Christian White was fighting alone, smacking Nazi Elf Draugr with his ceremonial staff. Communist O'Lenin had managed to brainwash a number of Nazi Elf Draugr using communist propaganda, and they were now fighting for him.

Meanwhile, Hitler's orchestra were also in the same room (having landed the airship), installing some unusual mechanical equipment on the ground.

Geralt and Hitler had now left Kaer Morhen. They were once again swordfighting on the snowy mountainside.

Geralt then used magick to drill a massive hole down into the mountain. There was a sudden release of pressure, and lava started to spill out of the ground. The Mountain of Death, as it turned out, was a dormant volcano. Geralt directed the hot lava at Hitler, who dodged and redirected the lava at Geralt. Geralt cast a magick spell to protect himself from being burned, as the lava surrounded him.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Hitler, as he forced Geralt down the hole, into the lava inside the mountain. And then Hitler sealed the hole shut.

Geralt was quickly tiring, stuck in the hot lava. If even for a moment he lost concentration, he would sublime. The magma currents sent Geralt slowly up the mountain, until he was underneath the summit.

With all of his might, Geralt tore open the crust, and escaped the magma, finding himself back in the ruins of the Palace of Death. Unfortunately, he released a whole lot of pressure, and lava started to spill out. The Mountain of Death was erupting.

Using magic, Lady Feudalism and Severus deflected the lava flow from incinerating them and their teams, and Hitler's orchestra (who they didn't view as much of a threat). The lava flow went over the Nazi Elf Draugr, incinerating them all.

Geralt was dismayed for a moment at all the lives he had inadvertently ended.

The pyroclastic flow then went down the mountain, right towards Adolf Hitler. Hitler jumped up, and flew up the mountain, back to what remained of the Chamber of Death. Team Witcher and Team Morally Ambiguous looked in fear at Adolf Hitler.

"You survive, Geralt," said Hitler, landing back near Geralt. "Just as you, Severus, my son, have survived. Just as you, Christian Grey, have survived. Well, after today, none of you will live any longer. In fact, I will eliminate every muggle on this damn planet! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Geralt ran forward to attack Hitler, but Hitler quickly retreated to his orchestra.

"PREPARE THE WEAPON!" cried Hitler. The orchestra quickly assembled a variety of mechanical items around Hitler, and it soon became clear what they were building.

"I AM MECHA-HITLER!" yelled Hitler.

Mecha-Hitler charged forward, and punched Geralt, striking Geralt in the face. Geralt fell backwards, shocked at the insane speed of Mecha-Hitler. Hitler's orchestra started to play 'Battle of the Heroes'.

"Shouldn't we be doing something?" asked Communist O'Lenin to Severus.

"Shh... just wait..." said Severus.

Geralt magicked one of the black monoliths towards Mecha-Hitler, but it didn't appear to do any damage. Mecha-Hitler then fired a laser beam at Geralt, and Geralt blocked it using the Sword of Death. Mecha-Hitler then knocked down a part of the wall of the Chamber of Death, and grabbed the rubble and threw it at Geralt.

Geralt jumped up, but he was too slow, being knocked back by the extreme speed of the barrage. Mecha-Hitler then grabbed a few of the black monoliths, and threw them at Geralt. Geralt dodged, and directed some lava towards the Mecha-Hitler. Mecha-Hitler was clearly damaged by this attack.

Geralt then shot some lightning at Mecha-Hitler, damaging his electrical systems. Mecha-Hitler started to smoke, and then it exploded, sending Adolf Hitler hurtling out of the mech-suit.

Geralt was just about to capitalise on this, when Hitler's orchestra quickly ran up to him with yet another mech-suit. Except this one was even bigger: at least fifteen metres tall. And it had a giant rocket launcher strapped to its left arm.

"I AM MEGA-MECHA-HITLER!" screamed Hitler. "AND YOU WILL DIE, YOU STUPID MORONIC WITCHER!"

Mega-Mecha-Hitler shot seven rockets at Geralt, and Geralt blocked them all with his sword, being knocked back slightly each time.

"Come on Geralt!" cried Lady Feudalism, who was somewhat idle at this point.

"We should do something," whispered Klippi to Severus.

"Not... yet," said Severus.

Just then, Vesemir charged in, with a sword. Mega-Mecha-Hitler shot a series of rockets at Vesemir.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Geralt.

But it was too late; Vesemir was no more.

Mega-Mecha-Hitler then tried to stamp on Geralt. Geralt jumped up, and held onto Mega-Mecha-Hitler's leg. Mega-Mecha-Hitler aimed his rocket launcher at Geralt. And then, just as Mega-Mecha-Hitler fired, Geralt jumped out of the way.

Mega-Mecha-Hitler had just shot himself in the foot, causing the entire mech-suit to collapse. Adolf Hitler climbed out of smoking wreckage of the mech-suit. He walked up to the centre of the Chamber of Death, and he drew his sword.

Geralt drew Smite in his left hand and the Sword of Death in his right hand, dual-wielding. The atmosphere was incredibly tense as Geralt and Hitler circled each other for the final fight.

"This is it," said Geralt, incredibly tired and fatigued. "One of us is going to die after this battle, and it isn't going to be me!"

"YOUR END IS NIGH, WITCHER!" screamed Adolf Hitler. "I WILL KILL YOU AND THEN I'LL KILL SEVERUS AND THEN I'LL KILL EVERYONE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Hitler charged forward and sliced angrily. Geralt parried, and stabbed back. Hitler rolled behind Geralt and sliced his back.

Geralt blocked.

Hitler slashed.

Geralt stabbed.

Hitler parried.

Geralt slashed.

Hitler parried, but the blow was so strong that Hitler's sword fell to the ground. Hitler fell to his knees.

"You have bested me, Witcher..." said Hitler sadly. "I am defeated."

"FINISH HIM!" yelled Lady Feudalism. "FOR YOUR FATHER! FINISH HIM FOR IORVERTH!"

Geralt looked at Hitler, and swung the Sword of Death towards Hitler's neck.

However, in that moment, Geralt looked into Hitler's eyes. And in those eyes, Geralt saw Severus. Geralt saw Admiral Ackbar. And in those eyes, Geralt saw the helpless eyes of the witch-child that Geralt refused to kill all that time ago.

Geralt remembered his morality. He remembered who he was.

Geralt stopped, with the Sword of Death a mere inch from Hitler's neck.

"No," said Geralt. "I'm not a killer." And then Geralt dropped his swords, and they clattered to the ground.

"You are such a coward, Geralt," said Hitler. And then Hitler grabbed his sword and stabbed Geralt in the chest.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Lady Feudalism. Geralt staggered back, and fell over backwards.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Hitler.

Severus turned to Communist O'Lenin and Klippi. "This... this is my chance," he said.

And then Severus jumped forward, and picked up the Sword of Death.

"My son, YOU WILL DIE!" yelled Hitler. Severus sliced at Hitler. Hitler parried, clearly fatigued from his battle against Geralt.

But Severus was fresh. Severus stabbed again, and this time, Hitler was too slow.

The Sword of Death was stabbed right into Hitler's chest.

Adolf Hitler looked down, in shock, at the sword embedded in his chest.

Hitler shook his head. "Nein," he said.

The skin on Hitler's chest began to blacken.

"Nein!" yelled Hitler.

Hitler's skin began to flake off into the air.

"NEIN!" screamed Hitler. "NEIN! NEIN! NEIN! NEIN! NEIN! NEIN! NEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIN!"

And then Hitler exploded and was no more. Severus held up the Sword of Death, victoriously.

Meanwhile, Ciri, Christian White, and Lady Feudalism ran up to the mortally wounded Geralt, who was lying on the black stone of the Chamber of Death. Hitler's orchestra started to play some really sad violin music.

"At least... I was true... to my morals..." said Geralt.

"You can heal yourself, can't you?" said Lady Feudalism.

"I'm afraid... that this is... the end," said Geralt.

"Geralt! Don't die!" said Ciri.

"From now on... your only hope... is him," said Geralt, pointing at Severus.

"He... is the new ruler of the world, not me... And... you need... to live with that..."

Just then, a white door appeared at the end of the Chamber of Death. It opened, and an angelic looking man with white hair stepped out.

"My name is Jesus Christ, the first Witcher," said the man. "It is time for Geralt, the seventh Witcher, to ascend to the realm of Witchers, in Heaven."

"Why? Can't you heal him?" asked Lady Feudalism.

"His time on Rivia is up," said Jesus. "The Seventh Age is over. Geralt has succeeded on his quest. It is time for him to go."

"But he didn't succeed!" said Lady Feudalism. "He never activated the Sword of Death! He was never emperor of the world!"

"That was never the goal of his quest," replied Jesus. "Severus was always destined to be emperor of the world. Geralt's destiny was to stop Hitler. And now he is done and now he must go."

Geralt slowly stood up, clutching his wound.

He turned to Christian White.

"Christian White... you have proved to me that... people can change... that morally ambiguous anti-heroes can become heroes. And for that... I salute you."

"Thank you, Geralt," said Christian White. Geralt turned to Ciri.

"Ciri of Cintra... you have been a good, wise friend on this journey. I shall miss you and your... sense of humour."

"Goodbye, Geralt," said Ciri, sniffling a bit. Geralt turned to Lady Feudalism.

"Lady Feudalism... Grace..."

"I love you!" interjected Lady Feudalism, melodramatically.

"I know," said Geralt. "Thank you for being a loyal companion. I'm sorry the romance thing never worked out, but... never mind." Lady Feudalism was silently crying.

And finally, Geralt turned to Severus.

"Severus Hitler... you are the future of Rivia. Please be a good world emperor. I've put a lot of work into Rivia and it'd be a shame if you screwed it all up."

"I promise, I'll be a good ruler," vowed Severus.

"Thank you," said Geralt, finally. "And goodbye." And then Geralt and Jesus walked together into the light, and the door shut behind them, and then disappeared altogether.

Ciri, Christian White, and Lady Feudalism silently turned to Severus. Through the collapsed roof, they could see the red sky turning blue once more. The lava that covered the ground slowly solidified to rock.

Lady Feudalism knelt to the ground and picked up Smite, Geralt's gold sword, and put it with Iorverth's sword.

Team Witcher, Team Morally Ambiguous, and Hitler's orchestra followed Severus out the front door.

"I don't want to force you to do anything you don't want to," said Severus to the assembled crowd, as he stood on the steps. "You can swear allegiance to me now, and follow me, or we can go our separate ways."

Christian White stepped forward. "Severus... I will follow you," he said. "I hereby swear allegiance to you, Severus Hitler."

Then the spindly man from Hitler's orchestra stepped forward. "Severus, we will follow you," he said. "We also swear allegiance."

Then Ciri also stepped forward. "I will... respect your authority," she said tentatively.

Then, Severus turned to Lady Feudalism. "Grace?" he asked.

Lady Feudalism walked up to Severus. "I swear allegiance to you, Severus," she said. And then she looked into Severus' eyes. And then they leaned towards each other and they kissed.

"Thank you, Grace," said Severus.

Severus' party were passing through Kaer Morhen. They stood at the edge of the city, near the gates. The city was largely destroyed by the fight Adolf Hitler and Geralt had. The streets were littered with the bodies of greybeards who had died due to the battle.

Ciri walked up to Severus and Lady Feudalism. "I've decided to stay in Kaer Morhen," she said. "I waited over a hundred years to make this journey, and now that I'm here, I want to stay and help them rebuild and stuff. I reckon Kaer Morhen is my type of place anyway."

"Very well," said Lady Feudalism.

Then Klippi ran up to Severus and Lady Feudalism. "I want to stay here as well to uh... help with the rebuilding," he said.

"Oh, fine," said Ciri.

"I looooove you," said Klippi.

"I know," replied Ciri. "You can stay with me if you really want to."

"Yay!" said Klippi.

"I suppose I won't see you again," said Lady Feudalism to Ciri.

"Goodbye, Lady Feudalism," said Ciri.

"Farewell, Ciri," said Lady Feudalism.

And Ciri and Klippi ran off together, arm in arm into the distance.

"So, where are we going to next?" asked Christian White.

"I was thinking... I'll make Vizima the world capital," replied Severus.

"I'm going home," said Lady Feudalism.

"We're going home," said Severus.

They kissed again, and Lady Feudalism, Severus, Christian White, Communist O'Lenin, and the 48-man orchestra began their journey home.

Epilogue:

Now, we will find out what happened to all of our heroes, and anti-heroes.

Upon returning to Vizima, Severus installed a feudalistic world government.

Communist O'Lenin created a communist political movement, but it never really took off in his lifetime.

Christian White became ordained as a priest in the Christian Church, and he was eventually installed as archbishop.

Ciri and Klippi lived together for a short time, rebuilding Kaer Morhen and enjoying the facilities Kaer Morhen had to offer. After six months, Klippi died due to old age. Ciri lived another ten years, before dying peacefully at the age of 137.

Lady Feudalism and Severus were eventually married, and Severus took her name (wanting to remove any links with his father Adolf), becoming Emperor Severus Feudalism. They had seven children, and in later years, it was generally agreed by historians that Emperor Severus was one of the better emperors of the early Feudalism dynasty.

Balance was restored to Rivia.

And as for Geralt... he spent his days in the realm of Witchers, dining and drinking with the previous six Witchers. Geralt's work was done. Or so he thought...

THE END