Chaoji finds the root of all evil– Failure

"Yes," Chaoji murmured to himself as he sat in the cafeteria one day, rubbing his hands together maniacally, "I will go straight to the inner evil – the dark, insufferable abyss of treachery! I will find the root of all sin, and demolish it! I will be the Messiah to food everywhere!"

"Chaoji, I've been meaning to tell you this for a while, but talking to your food isn't normal," Lavi informed him with a humorous, yet confused smirk.

Chaoji let out a sigh. "For a best friend, you aren't very understanding," he huffed, causing Lavi to cringe. "It's because of hypocrites like you that I have to find recluse with other friends."

Lavi jumped on the opportunity without wasting a moment. "If that's how you feel, then find a new best friend!" he suggested, unable to hide the enthusiasm in his tone.

"But then who would help me find the root of all evil?" Chaoji demanded, blinking his eyes at Lavi in an attempt to appear helpless and appealing. The look was horrifying enough to scare off an army of soldiers.

Lavi sat back in his chair, shooting an annoyed glance at Noise, who had already been given dismissal from a 'friendship' with Chaoji. "Chaoji, my intellect cannot compare to yours," he said in a tired, sarcastic voice. "Yes, you are the one – the chosen one, who will deliver this universe from evil. Kind of like Jesus, but instead of leading the world with scripture, you'll lead them with cookbooks."

Chaoji's imagination ran wild; he took Lavi's suggestion quite seriously. There was only one Bible story that he could remember, however. "I like the one where they only have a few baskets of bread and fish, and then Jesus makes them multiply," he said to himself. "If I can have that kind of power…"

Noise cringed. "Don't give him ideas."

"With his brain capacity, he'll forget this ever happened in a few minutes."

"What is evil?" Chaoji began again, going back to his first subject.

"He remembered that," Noise pointed out, "and he always remembers to eat."

Chaoji, annoyed, spoke over Noise. "What is evil?"

"What is life?" Lavi countered, beginning to pick up his tray. Sitting so close to Chaoji had made him lose his appetite. "Why are we all here on this planet, being eternally punished with your presence?"

Chaoji missed the last part because he was having an epiphany. He didn't know how to spell 'epiphany', but he knew he was having one.

"Evil is Allen!" he declared, causing Noise to throw his hands up in exasperation and storm away. "If I delete Allen from the picture, then I will have brought salvation to the universe!"

"What do you plan on doing?" Lavi asked nervously, pausing.

Chaoji began to rub his hands together again and Lavi, beyond disturbed at this point, turned and left. "I will arm myself with a cookbook and charge into the battlefield, of course!" He stood up, knocking over his chair as he climbed onto the table, rolling onto its surface before yanking himself to his feet, standing on top of it to address the entire cafeteria.

"FEAR NOT, O WEAK ONES, FOR CHAOJI HATH COMETH! THOU SHALT BE DELIVEREDETH FROM ALLEN!"

Then, the once sturdy table cracked in two and Chaoji fell down, leaving a large dent in the tile floor.

Failure.