Hoshi squared her shoulders and lifted her chin.

This was going to be difficult.

Cancel that. It was going to be impossible.

It was utterly out of character for Malcolm to have absented himself when the ship was in such danger. Even though he'd been the last of them to receive the antidote, she'd seen that it was acting on him just as it had on her and the captain. Normally he'd have come with them to the bridge, wouldn't have rested until he'd seen for himself that the situation was resolved. He certainly wouldn't have allowed the issue of an upset stomach to confine him to his quarters for the rest of the day – not unless it really was bad, which considering his allergy problems it possibly might have been. Phlox had certainly found some kind of complication as his third patient began to recover consciousness; he'd sent Liz Cutler rushing for some kind of additional treatment. She and Captain Archer hadn't had time to stop and find out what it might be. That anxiety now added itself to the one that had filled her as soon as The Realization had dawned on her.

Hell, no wonder the captain hadn't been able to look at her in the turbo-lift. That said, she'd hardly been able to look at him either.

She'd just come from Sickbay, where Phlox had run another set of tests to make sure that the last of her DNA had been restored. There was nobody else there. So whatever had been wrong with him, Malcolm must have been dismissed to complete his recovery in his quarters, probably at his own insistence.

The doctor had run the tests and nodded satisfaction. "All clear, Ensign, barring a few minor skin problems, and I'm confident they'll clear up in just a few days. There's just one more thing I'd like to give you as a precaution."

"Nothing serious, I hope?" She forced a smile.

"No, no." He sat down beside her on the biobed and spoke gently. "Hoshi, the scans reveal that you had sexual relations while you were one of the Loque'eque. There may have been some genetic differences that meant your usual contraceptive injections would not operate fully. In the circumstances, I think it might be wise to be just a little extra careful."

The color had washed up in a hot tide of embarrassment. She knew how detailed the scans were. There was a wealth of additional meaning behind that 'in the circumstances.'

The liaison between her and Malcolm wasn't exactly a total secret around the ship – Trip suspected it, Liz did too, and the captain had found out but indicated that he was prepared to turn a blind eye to it – but they'd kept it very, very discreet. Nevertheless she was regular in attending for her contraception, and Phlox was undoubtedly fully aware that she was in a serious relationship. His blue eyes were deeply sympathetic. "If you need a little more time to think about it ..."

In other 'circumstances' she might have hesitated. Even now she hesitated – for just a few seconds. Just long enough to contemplate what would ensue if for some reason the standard injection had failed; if the physical trauma of having her DNA rewritten hadn't caused ... Then, "I think you're right, Doctor," she said in a low voice. "And I'd rather get it over and done with."

Phlox had patted her shoulder reassuringly and went to fetch the hypospray. "It doesn't do to take risks when the situation is this complicated."

Complicated. 'Complicated' wasn't anywhere even close to what the situation was.

Now she took a deep breath and pressed the chime.

For a couple of moments there was no answer, and she wondered if he'd either deliberately gone to earth elsewhere so neither she nor anyone else could find him, or was simply sitting inside in silence refusing to acknowledge the request for admittance. The former was probably more likely. If he had indeed hidden himself on purpose she probably wouldn't see him again till he turned up for duty the following day, and the thought tore at her. At a guess, he wouldn't even visit the Mess Hall. He probably wouldn't feel like eating. On more than one count.

Just as she'd come to the conclusion that she was wasting her time, the door hissed open. He stood there clad in just a towel, his hair still spiky with damp. He said nothing, just looked at her. She realized with a sinking heart that his expression was more shuttered than she'd ever seen it, even in the early days of the mission when as far as he was concerned she was just a 'security liability with a gift for languages.' She'd hit him with a pillow the day he'd told her that, and they'd rolled over and over till he pinned her down and tickled her until she squealed for mercy ...

"Mind if I come in?"

He still didn't speak, but stepped back to allow her entry.

The monitor on his desk was still on. It was playing a recording from the decon chamber. A lone figure with tousled black hair flung itself desperately against the walls, screeching with frustration and rage. Even now she could understand what it was saying. 'Urquat, I must find Urquat. I must find my alphas. Let me go! Let me GO!'

I must find my alphas.

Alpha male and alpha female. And Archer had made it plain who had the rights to everything.

Being near – so very near – to Urquat had excited them all.

Privacy hadn't seemed important at the time. Nor had consideration. The shadow who'd looked on in sullen, resentful yearning had not dared to interfere, so his feelings had been of no importance.

She reached across and switched the monitor off. "Malcolm. We have to talk."

He didn't move or answer. His gaze remained fixed to the screen as though he was still watching that frenzied figure seeking escape.

"Malcolm. If we talk we can get through this. Isn't that what you want?"

"What I want is to turn back time. To make it so we never set foot on that Godforsaken planet. To make it so that I never had to watch …" His voice was low and full of bitterness. He stopped, evidently unable to go on and voice the words. After a moment he said savagely, "The captain stopped by earlier. To apologise. I've never been closer to decking him."

The now blazing gray eyes turned to her at last. "Oh, I did feel for him though. It can't be the easiest of things for a commanding officer to apologise for. 'I hope you feel better now, and oh by the way I am sorry I shagged your girlfriend in front of you …'"

"Malcolm!" she shouted. "You're not being fair. To him, to me, or even to yourself!"

"No. At a guess I'm probably not. But right now, I don't feel able to care." He stood up abruptly. "I want you to leave, Hoshi. Just leave me alone. Go and find your…." He broke off, breathing hard.

'Alpha male.' The words hung in the air between them, unspoken.

"I don't even know you any more," she said slowly. "The Malcolm I thought I knew valued fairness more than anything else. That was one of the things I loved about him the most."

"Then perhaps it's just as well you've had your eyes opened before it's too late. I'm no perfect, gentle knight, Hoshi. I'm just me. Faults? Dozens. Flaws? Hundreds. Women? I lost count, but when I found you no other woman mattered anyway. And as for what I value, the one thing I value most of all is what we have." He swallowed. "'Had', if that's the way you feel."

"The way I feel?" she cried. "All you're thinking about is what you feel!"

"Yes! That's all I can think about right now, don't you understand that? Just the way it was for you as soon as Archer got his hands on –" He choked and turned away. "Go away, Hoshi. If I keep talking I'll say something I'll regret. Something you probably don't deserve."

There was no reaching him. She backed towards the door. "Malcolm, none of us deserved this."

"No. But at least you two got something out of it other than heartache."

As she pressed the door control she looked at him just once more, willing him to turn and relent; even if it meant going on fighting, as long as they were talking surely they could find some way of resolving this? He wasn't facing her. He was sitting on the bunk again, his head bowed, his shoulders rigid and shaking with tension, and his fists clenched in his lap.

"Malcolm… ."

"Just go." It was so low that even with her superb hearing she could hardly catch it. "I'm sorry. I just … need some time. I want to be alone for a while."

There truly was nothing she could say that would touch him. The world that only days ago had been safe and secure was torn open and broken, his as well as hers. Maybe nothing could mend it. Maybe nothing ever would.

She walked out of the room, her eyes blind with tears.


All reviews and comments appreciated!