I own nothing.

Ring, ring.

"Hello?"

"Bella?"

"Who do you expect, the muffin man?"

"Is Edward in the room?"

"Not yet."

"Good, then we have time to plot."

"Oh god."

"We have to do something for April Fool's Day."

"No. No, no, no. Absolutely not."

"Why not?"

"Because."

"Oh, come on, Bella. You know that the boys are going to do something."

"No, they aren't."

"How do you know?"

"Ummmmmm… because Edward and I actually talk to each other."

"Ugh, talking. Who has time for that?"

"Yeah, I know. The nerve of talking to the man you're married to. Who has ever heard of that before?"

"Sarcastic, little?"

Edward (closing door) Hello, love.

Bella Hi. Alice is plotting again.

Edward What is it this time? Hiding all of Emmett's clothes while he's in the bathroom except a ballerina costume and waiting on the front lawn with cameras and a pair of decent clothes always works well.

Bella I remember that. Do we still have those pictures?

Edward It's on Jacob's "Cullen Wall of Shame"

Alice It's a good idea, but so unoriginal.

Bella Use Edward's old jumpsuit instead.

Edward Hay, leave me out of it.

Alice Yeah, maybe. But I was thinking more of…

Emmett(intercom) Emmett Cullen please report to the flat screen. Emmett Cullen, report to the flat screen, please. Thank you.

Bella OOOOkkkkkkaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy.

Alice How does she put up with him?

Edward Since when did we put in an intercom system in?

Bella Good question.

Edward He didn't even disguise his voice.

Alice Weirdo.

Rosalie (intercom) Emmett Cullen, you are an absolute moron, Emmett Cullen.

Emmett (intercom) Hello, I would like to order a Diet Water, please.

Rosalie (intercom) Emmett, put the microphone down.

Emmett (intercom) Would you like fries with that?

Rosalie (intercom) Have you lost your damn mind!?!?!

Edward I'll be right back.

Bella Where are you going?

Edward To destroy the intercom system.

Alice Make sure it's not the Japanese alloy.

Edward Shut up.

Alice Well, Bella, what were you doing when I called you?

Bella Making sure Emmett didn't screw up the family bills this month.

Alice And how is that going?

Bella Well, on the memo fields he put on "For smuggling puppies through the American airport system."

Alice Puppies?

Bella Yeah. I'm surprised the FBI hasn't come after him yet.

Emmett (intercom) No, Edward, you can't destroy the intercom system. It's made of the Japanese alloy. You aren't smart enough to find out how to dissemble it.

Edward (intercom) And this is coming from the guy who screams "I WIN!!! I WIN!!!" at the ATM.

Rosalie (intercom) And the guy who runs out of the zoo yelling "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!! THEY'RE LOOSE!!!"

Emmett (intercom) I do not…

Emmett ESME!!! EDWARD BROKE THE INTERCOM SYSTEM!!

Esme THANK YOU EDWARD!!!!!

Edward No problem, Esme.

Bella So have you come up with anything ingenious yet for April fools?

Alice No, I'll think of something.

Bella Well, you only have one day left.

Edward(closing door) I wonder sometimes why we stay around here.

Bella Because you know Jacob would follow us just to tick you off and you couldn't handle him by yourself.

Edward Well, there's that.

Alice Have you seen Nessie today?

Bella Nope.

Alice Do you know where she is?

Bella Shopping, I think. Oh, nope, sorry. Edward's scowling in the corner. She must be with Javob.

Alice You mean Jacob.

Bella I said Jacob.

Alice No, you Javob, with a "v".

Bella Ummmmm… oops.

Edward I think it's time for Alice to hang up.

Bella Bye, Alice.

Hangs up.

Alice(rubbing hand together) This gives me a wonderful idea. A wonderfully AWFUL idea. MWHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! MWAHAMWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Jasper What are you laughing about?

Alice Nothing, absolutely nothing.

Jasper RUN FOR THE HILLS!!! ALICE IS UP TO SOMETHING!!!!

Everyone in the house AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!