Chapter 52

Somehow, I have no idea how, food has managed to be distributed and eaten. By the time I made it downstairs Sara and Catherine were still in Lindsey's room having a very loud conversation. I took it upon myself to start cooking the food, I figured the sooner I get these guys and gals eating then the sooner they would leave. That hasn't been really sound logic thus far. Everyone has been eating but no one has been leaving, as a matter of fact I think a few more have been arriving. I'm not going to cook anymore food.

"So how is it that Sara and Catherine have managed to keep you a secret for so long?" A guy I don't know asks me as he crams another piece of bacon in his mouth.

I take a very long sip of my orange juice while I debate whether or not I want to talk to him. A look from Catherine, apparently she has somehow finally managed to get downstairs just in time to give me one of her 'parental look' warnings, tells me to open my mouth and play nice. "I wouldn't say they have. I haven't been around so long."

"Yeah, Sara said she was your sister," he's still packing the food in. Who is this guy? Sara owes me big time for ever coming down here to entertain these people. I don't belong in this world of hers. She's made that perfectly clear.

"Thanks for cooking," Sara's voice says from behind me. I didn't see her approaching. "If it were up to me, it would have never gotten done."

It's been a busy morning. "I was happy to do it," even if my intention was to get people out of here.

"Hey Sara, your sister is really talented," the still unnamed man says, this time forgoing the act of putting food in his mouth.

"She's not my sister, Gordon," so we finally have a name, "she's my daughter."

He looks confused. "But you said…"

"She's my daughter," Sara says with a little bit of force behind her words.

I've decided to stand here and watch the exchange play out. If I say something then this moment might disappear or I might be expected to come up with some kind of intelligent comment that I just don't feel coming at the moment, what with being completely struck dumb and all.

"Okay then," Gordon replies slowly. "Your daughter." He nods at Sara a couple of times then wanders away from us onto someone else to harass.

"So who's Gordon?" I don't look directly at her. I keep my eyes focused on Gordon.

"An officer who helped with Nick," I don't think she's looking at me either, but in order to find out for sure I would have to look at her and I'm not so comfortable with doing that now. I really don't have any idea as to how to respond to watch just happened.

We're both saved from saying something else when another man walks up to us. He looks nothing like Gordon and almost seems like he's old enough to be my father. He, for the most part, completely avoids me and directs all of his attention to Sara. He doesn't even bother to introduce himself to me. I'd take his presence as an opportunity to walk away and go back upstairs into my safe zone, but since I'm still in a semi-stupor my feet aren't moving.

"It was good to have you back tonight, Sara. I want you back full-time." He's not really one for small talk is he? In the very least he could have thanked me for cooking him breakfast; it's not like he ate any less than anybody else. At least, I think I remember him eating something. Who is this guy again?

Sara puts her hand on my waist and I do my best not to jump a little at the contact. "I can't go back full-time."

Before this guy can come up with a reply to Sara, Catherine joins us and takes control of the conversation by making a comment about people being in her house that she doesn't recognize. She says it's like someone screamed out free food and every hungry officer and CSI off duty decided to show up.

My stupor finally ends with the inane comments, don't know why, and I manage to find my voice again. "I think I'm done with social interaction. I'm going back upstairs."

"Okay," Sara brushes a strand of my hair from my face. "You should try and get some sleep. You look tired."

"We'll kick everyone out of here soon too, Mel," Catherine's hand goes to my shoulder. "So you don't have to stay upstairs if you don't want to."

"I think I'm going to try sleeping," I tell Catherine. "If anyone gets the notion to start yelling at me again, feel free to come up." I smile a bit and so do Sara and Catherine. This feels like a moment where I should take the time to give a hug to them or something, but I'm not comfortable with initiating physical affection so I let the moment pass.

I offer a quick goodbye to the man standing in front of me and am able to catch his muffled question to Sara asking her if, 'I'm her'. Like before, I don't hang out to figure out what the question means exactly--although I'm pretty sure I can offer up a pretty decent guess--and I don't hang out to hear Sara's response. I'm not so sure I could get moving again if she all up and decides to start telling everyone she talks to that I'm her daughter.

So I walk away, and as I do I catch a glimpse of Greg and Mr. Brown chatting away in a corner. They each wave to me and I give a brief wave and a half smile back. The polite thing to do would be to walk up to them, but like I told Sara, I'm kind of done with the social interaction thing. So I walk past them and up the stairs.

When I get to my room I find that Lindsey and Nikki have already escaped the crowd and instead of escaping to Lindsey's room have decided to escape to mine. "Why aren't you two downstairs enjoying the delights of the late twenty-something to the thirty-something to the forty-something to the fifty-something crowd downstairs?"

"We find we don't have a lot in common with them," Nikki tells me as she pats the small space on the bed left between her and Lindsey. I'm tired enough to squeeze in between them and at least try to ignore that they are breathing much too loudly around me.

"Are you angry I told Mom about what happened?" Lindsey must be asking me because I don't think she has a reason to ask Nikki the question.

"No," I barely open my mouth to answer and don't bother with opening my eyes which have somehow managed to close and stay that way.

"Are you sure?" Lindsey's voice has gotten closer to me but I force my eyes to stay shut. She can get as close as she wants; I'm not going to move.

"Yes." I'm as sure as I can be right now. I haven't been punished yet and I'm not even sure I'm going to be punished. I'm not sure what kind of punishment Sara and Catherine could come up with for me. It wouldn't make a difference if they grounded me because it's not like I'm trying to really go anywhere. I guess they could ban Nikki from coming over here and me from going to her place, but that doesn't work in their interest. Nikki is the one who is around 'keeping an eye' on me when they can't be around.

That would mean that I'm unpunishable or not punishable, rather. I should really get back into school or something because my brain cells are seriously starting to get dumb-er. I can almost remember a time when I actually knew about things that were going on outside in the world. I knew things about physics and chemistry and biology. I did stupid things like writing papers about someone who I was supposed look up to in the world or respected.

Of course, I also remember those times as being the ones, for the most part, where I was beaten by my parents. They were the times where I did crazy things like participate in physical fights for hardly any reason at all. They were the times I slept with any girl/woman that peaked my interest a little bit. They were the days when I didn't know what was 'officially' wrong with me.

And now? Now I'm diagnosed and have problems interacting with crowds like the one that is downstairs. The only reason, I'm convinced, that I was able to stay downstairs as long as I did was because I was focused on doing something the entire time. It's a trick Dr. Roberson threw at me, since she figured I was going to start interacting in the public more. She told me to only focus on one thing at a time and to keep my focus. So when I was cooking breakfast, that's all I was focused on doing. When I was eating the food, that's all I was focused on doing. I have to focus on accomplishing one thing at a time.

I'm not up to taking things a day at a time yet; I'm only up to taking things a second at a time. Roberson told me to focus on each second and then on each minute after that. She says if I can do that then all those seconds and minutes will add up to my lifetime. It makes sense, in a psychobabble kind of way.

It's how I survived last night too, isn't it? I mean, I focused on getting Lindsey but it was broken down into the first, second, third type of order. I focused on catching up with her, then on getting to the house, then on finding her in the house. I didn't mush it all together; I broke it down into manageable steps.

But I still did choke that boy. I still did it so that person that lived in the past before the big diagnosis is still resting inside of me. I think she always will be. I couldn't cut her out of me.

"Are you sleeping?" Lindsey whispers loudly into my left ear.

"No she's not," Nikki answers for me in the same type of loud whisper.

"How do you know?" Lindsey has moved away from my ear and her voice is coming from above me now. "She looks like she's sleeping."

"I can just tell," Nikki shifts on the bed and pokes me in the side. I squirm away from her and tell her to leave me alone. Lindsey must take this as a sign that I really don't want to sleep because she asks me why I'm not angry at her.

"I don't want you to be angry at me, Mel," Lindsey tells me and for the first time since I decided to lie down I open my eyes.

"When your mom and Sara were talking to you earlier did they try to explain to you why what you did was so dangerous?" I'm sure they did and I don't feel like repeating a lecture she's already gotten.

Lindsey nods but doesn't say anything. Maybe I should clarify my question a little bit because it kind of requires a verbal response. "Did they tell you why it was so dangerous for me?"

"Kinda, I guess. They said something could have happened to you, like you lose control or something, but mostly they told me what I did was dangerous because I'm too young to do anything and if I do stupid things something awful could happen to me or whatever."

It seems like she was paying really close attention to them, or not. But, if they didn't tell her exactly what I could have ended up doing then they might have a reason for that. I don't want to override their reasoning or anything, but this is 'me' we're talking about here. I think I have a right to give a full story to anyone I want to. Lindsey is just going to have to handle it, especially if she and I are going to be alone together and she thinks of doing something like this again.

"I could have killed that guy you were kissing, Lindsey," it's important that she knows that, "and I don't mean that in the way that your mom would say something like that. I mean it in the way that I could actually have killed him if I had started to hallucinate again."

Lindsey's eyes are wide and she seems a little anxious. "What do you mean?"

How do I possibly explain this to her? "It's not like I'm a crazy killer or anything but there's a reason I can't jump back into school and into what I was doing in life before I ended up in the hospital. I simply can't handle it like a normal person could. A lot of my hallucinations have manifested themselves physically into me hurting myself or me hurting someone else, because I don't see…" this is hard.

"She doesn't see us, Lindsey," Nikki thankfully takes over for me. "She sees what happened to her in the past. So you running away isn't just about you being selfish and wanting something your way. It's also about putting Mel at risk too because she cared enough about you to go after you and to try and keep you safe."

"I know it isn't fair, Lindsey," I don't know if I've said that to her yet. "I know that me not being normal kind of bleeds into your ability and everyone else's ability to be normal too. I realize that, now at least, and I'm sorry."

"Mom didn't tell me that," Lindsey says softly with a slight bit of humor in her voice, I think. "Will it ever change? Will you be normal again?"

Those are the big questions aren't they?

"It is changing, Lindsey." Nikki answers. "Things are a lot better than they were a while ago."

"But I won't ever be normal," It's the simple truth. "I'll always need medication. I'll need therapy probably always too. I may accomplish a semi-kind of normal but I won't ever be 'normal'."

Lindsey doesn't say anything for a long while. She stares down at me since I never bothered to sit up, but she doesn't say anything. If I were in her position I'm not sure what I could come up with to say.

"Lindsey!" Catherine calls from the hallway. "One of your friend's is on the phone."

It's amazing that I never manage to hear the phone ringing. "Okay, Mom!" Lindsey yells back and immediately jumps off the bed and is running out of the room seemingly forgetting about the conversation we were just having.

Nikki and I are left alone now. "Sara said I was her daughter," I admit because I've been holding onto it too long. I couldn't talk about it with Lindsey in the room.

"I know," Nikki nods. "That's why you needed to go downstairs, Mel. You needed to see her do it."

"She recognized me, Nikki" I don't know where they came from but tears are running down my face now. They weren't there a few moments ago with Lindsey or even when Sara first said I was her daughter, but they are here now. They're here and I can't stop them.

Nikki's arms pull me closer to her. "She loves you, Mel. You belong in every part of her life."

"She's my mom. She really is my mom."

Nikki doesn't say anything but her arms shift and she starts moving away from me. I don't know what she's doing until I feel someone else sliding in next to me. I can hardly see through my tears but I can see that it's Sara that is taking Nikki's place. I didn't hear her walk into the room.

I want to stop crying and I want to pull away or at least I think that's what I should want. I don't want that though, so my arms go around her as best as I can manage in my position and I cry into her chest. I cry for the first time in my life because I'm happy about something. Sara's my mother because she said she is. It's more than just the biology of it now. I can think of her as Mom now instead of as a mixture between Mom and Sara.

She's my mom. She's mine now, for real.