Chapter 52: "What the hell?"
Once I'd calmed myself down and engaged my brain, I realised that I had options. First I'd work out where JJ and I were and then we'd make our way to the SGC. People knew me there – I could explain what had happened and throw myself at their mercy to get me on the Daedalus and back home again.
"It'll be okay," I told JJ, starting to walk towards the road, resettling our bag against my back. Thank God I'd thought to bring it with me and that the Ascended ones had let me keep it, otherwise JJ and I would be completely screwed.
The road wasn't surfaced so I assumed it wouldn't see heavy traffic. Trying to work out direction based on the sun's position and intuition, I chose to head north, following the road in the hopes we'd make it to a town before I was completely exhausted. I'd recovered well from childbirth but so soon after was nowhere near my previous fitness or form – that would come in time.
It amazed me as I carried JJ how someone so small could progressively feel so heavy as the time went on. I considered myself relatively strong and yet the muscles in my forearms weren't up to the task of carrying my child for an extended period of time. We had to stop regularly for me to sit down and rest my arms by settling JJ in my lap.
When I saw the buildings in the distance my relief was immense. It turned out to be part of a fair sized town, with a main street of shops and community services and a spread of houses that spanned out to farms further in the distance.
"Have you got a public phone?" I asked, deciding on the general store as my first stop.
"In the back," the lady at the counter replied with a friendly smile. Her eyes landed on JJ and her smile grew. "Now isn''t he a cutie," she complimented.
"Thank you," I smiled down at JJ before nodding and making my way to the phone. The problem I had was a lack of usable resources for Earth – no money on hand and no accounts I could tap into either. John probably had something but since I'd never needed it, I had no idea how to access it. I'd have to call the SGC collect and hope whoever answered the phone would give me the benefit of the doubt and transfer me to General Landry. Thankfully I could dreg up the right number from my memory so all wasn't lost.
"Cheyenne base," the person answered briskly. It didn't sound like Walter, who would have known me immediately, but at least they did accept my call.
"This is Sabina Sheppard," I began. "I need to talk to General Landry."
"I'm sorry, what did you say your name was?"
"Sabina Sheppard," I repeated.
"One moment please."
I waited, tapping one foot on the floor as I swayed from side to side with JJ.
"I'm sorry Ma'am, General Landry isn't available," the person returned. "Can you tell me the nature of your enquiry?"
"I don't think I can explain it over the phone," I replied carefully. "Would Doctor Jackson be available instead?"
"I'll check," the man offered.
I waited again, until finally I heard Daniel's familiar voice. I wouldn't have to explain much – just the fact that I was calling him from a rural town on Earth instead of being on Atlantis where he knew I should be would be sufficient to get the cavalry heading in my direction.
"Daniel Jackson."
"Oh thank God," I exclaimed. "I need help Daniel."
"I'm sorry, who is this?" Daniel's tone was clearly confused. What the hell?
"It's Sabina," I said, "Sabina Sheppard."
"And you know me?" he asked uncertainly.
"What? Of course I do," I shot back. "If this is your idea of a joke Daniel, it isn't funny."
"Ah … sorry, no joke," Daniel replied. "Perhaps you could jog my memory. Where did we meet?"
I glanced around to make sure no one was listening. "At the SGC," I whispered roughly, "a couple of times. Last time I saw you, you were on your way to the infirmary after your visit to Atlantis … in the Pegasus galaxy … after the evil Asgard got done with you. Now, can we stop playing games?"
"I don't know how you came about that kind of information but I suggest you forget it," Daniel advised in a serious tone. "Unless you want the military bearing down on you in force."
"Maybe I want exactly that," I almost shouted. Trying to calm down I took a deep, steadying breath. "So you're telling me you really don't know me, at all?" I asked.
"I'm sorry, but no, I don't," Daniel replied.
"What about John Sheppard?" I continued, rushing because I knew he was seconds away from hanging up on me. "Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard – Air force; CO of the Atlantis base?"
"There is such a person but I'm afraid I can't divulge any further information," Daniel said. "I'm going to hang up now. If you know what's good for you, you'll forget everything you think you know and get on with your life."
I was so shocked by the turn of events he'd hung up before I could protest. Swallowing thickly, I glanced around again, my mind racing as I tried to work out what had just happened. The words of the Ascended Ancients came back to me and suddenly another meaning surfaced in my mind.
"As you have removed yourself from our society, know that we have removed you from the society of others."
Because I'd refused to play along, to join them in their Ascended group intend on not interfering in events or taking that much interest in the affairs of this plane of existence, somehow they'd removed me from the society of humans. They'd removed me ... from being involved in humanity? If that was the case it would be like I'd never existed here – like every memory and every action I'd ever taken were erased. Was that even possible?
Refusing to believe it, I picked up the phone and dialled another number I remembered, pushing down my rising panic as I waited for an answer.
"David Sheppard."
"David, it's Sabina," I began.
"I'm sorry, who?"
No, no, no, I thought sickly. "Sabina … Sheppard," I repeated, my voice trembling. "John's wife."
David actually laughed. "Nice try lady. That might have even worked a couple of years ago but I'm no longer estranged from my brother. I know for a fact that he's not married. In fact I'd go so far as to say he'd rather die a slow and painful death than get married again. Try peddling your con story somewhere else – we're not buying."
Before I could explain further he'd hung up on me.
I was crying before I put the phone done on my end. Clutching JJ to me I tried desperately to control myself but the whole thing felt so hopeless I was at a loss.
"Honey, are you okay?"
The lady from the counter had heard my sobs and come to investigate. Mortified I tried even harder to stop but I just couldn't. "He didn't know me," I whispered miserably. "No one did." Sniffing, I wiped at my face, gathered JJ closer and straightened. "I'm sorry," I said, intent on leaving immediately. Of course I had no idea where I'd go and thankfully the woman seemed to know that.
"It's no shame to fall on hard times," she said gently. "I'd be a poor Christian woman if I let you take that baby out of here knowing the two of you have nowhere to go. I have a room out back we don't use anymore. You're welcome to it until you get back on your feet and work out what you'll do next."
"I can't pay you," I admitted, shamed at how low I'd sunk. JJ needed me and I couldn't afford to be proud. "I can work though … I'll work as many hours as it takes to cover the costs."
"Well, isn't that fortuitous," the woman said jovially. "My stock boy left for college not more than a week ago. I'd welcome having someone to take it over for a few weeks until I can find someone more permanent."
Sniffing again, I dredged up a smile. "Thank you," I said simply.
"What's your name?" the woman asked.
"Sabina," I said in a rough voice. "Sabina Sheppard. This is JJ."
"I'm Joan Sloan," the woman introduced herself, holding out a hand. "The kids call me Mrs S." We shook, her grip firm but gentle too – maybe it was fanciful but in that grip I felt I'd found someone trustworthy, someone who'd help me figure out what to do next. Maybe it was stupid to just follow her – a stranger who could be anything really – but I was sure I wouldn't regret accepting her help.
"Come on, I'll show you the back room," Joan invited.
I followed her past the payphone and the freezers, through a door that led to the store room. Beyond that was another door that opened to a corridor. "There's a bathroom and small kitchen you're welcome to use," Joan said, pointing to a door and a small alcove where I could see a microwave and fridge. There was a door on the opposite side of the corridor where Joan stopped, pulling out a set of keys. "Here it is," she said, opening the door and ushering me in. "It's not much," she added, looking around herself.
There was a single bed, a set of draws and a wardrobe, and a small window to the outside with colourful curtains that made the room feel friendlier. "Its fine," I assured her. "I can't tell you how much I appreciate this," I felt compelled to add.
"It's clear you need the help … someone let you down, I can see that. You don't need to tell me your troubles if you don't want to," Joan replied, "but when you're ready I'm told I'm a good listener. Problems shared are problems halved, as my old grannie used to say."
"It's a long story," I murmured, shifting JJ so that his little head rested against my shoulder. I felt so much comfort from having him close. The Ascendeds had taken everything from me but for JJ – he was literally all I had in the world, my only link to John and the life I'd known.
"The baby's father deserted you?" Joan asked gently.
"Not exactly, but the end result is the same," I said sadly. "JJ and I are on our own."
"Not anymore," Joan said firmly. She patted my shoulder. "I'll leave you to put your things away and wash up. I'll be out front when you're ready."
Nodding I waited for her to leave before dropping down to sit on the bed with a tired sigh. "Well JJ, looks like we're stuck here for now. Mummy really has messed this one up … maybe so much I can't fix it. I'm not giving up hope though, so don't you give up hope either. We'll find a way to get to Daddy – it just might take me a little longer than I'd planned."
JJ gave a gurgling baby sound and a hiccup before settling his head against me again. That was the one saving grace, that JJ wouldn't know what he was missing in not having his father close by … yet. I had some time to come up with a plan.
3 months later …
"Sabina, do we have any molasses in the back?" Joan called out.
"I'll check," I called back, tapping a few keys on the keyboard to search for in stock items. Finding molasses, I noted the number and location, getting up and going back to the stock room. It took only moments to get what Joan wanted and bring it to her.
"Here you go," I said, handing her the tin. "We've only got two more of these in stock. Might be time to order some more, with Thanksgiving not that far away. You sold a dozen tins in the lead up last year."
"See Fred, I told you Sabina would find you want you needed, licketty split," Joan gave me a proud smile. "She's got the whole store on that computer Bob left me. Of course I still have no idea how the darn thing works."
"It wasn't difficult," I said modestly to Fred Harper, one of our regular customers. "Joan knows more about how everything works than she'd letting on. I think she enjoys putting me through my paces too much to admit to it."
"Nonsense," Joan declared. "You've done wonders here Sabina. The shop has never run so efficiently, with so little stock spoilage. You've earned your keep on that alone."
"I'm glad to help," I said, my tone full of the gratitude and high regard I had for her. She'd pulled me from a deep hole before I'd had the chance to fall completely within it. JJ and I owed her. As if picking up on the fact that I was thinking about him, the monitor I carried with me during his naps came to life with his little cries. He wasn't completely awake but he was approaching it and he wanted to make sure Mummy was there, before he needed me.
"Go and see to him," Joan smiled. "Bring him out front if he's up. Everyone loves him so much my sales have doubled since the two of you have been here."
"He is pretty cute," I had to agreed, laughing as I took my leave, hurrying to the back room.
It was much improved on when we'd first moved in. Joan had insisted on asking around for a spare cot and baby linens, and had added some touches of her own, including pictures for the walls, a colourful rug for the floor, a homemade bedspread for my bed, and a plant in a large pot she'd placed by the window. She'd even found a second hand television for me. "You shouldn't be here so alone and quiet at night," she'd told me firmly, "and since you keep refusing to come home with me, at least the television will be some kind of company for you."
She'd been so generous and caring when I'd started out a stranger she knew nothing about and I'd thought long and hard about how I could repay her. When I'd discovered the dusty, disused computer buried in a corner of the stockroom office, I'd known exactly how to do that. Joan was in her mid-fifties and admitted freely that the technology age had pretty much passed her by. She'd given me permission to dabble with the computer if I wanted to – he son had tried many years ago to computerise the store but had given up, leaving everything running manually. So I'd set out on the laborious task to set up a stock system, catalogue every item in the store and then work out how to optimise everything based on what was sold, the seasonal peaks, and the paper record history Joan had kept for a very long time. It was a big project and had been a godsend for me – I'd immersed myself in it and filled all the hours in the evenings when JJ was sleeping with the task and all the supporting material so that I could teach Joan how to use everything too.
Joan insisted on paying me the same wage she'd paid her last stock person, despite the room, which she said she couldn't take rent for since it had been empty before JJ and I moved in. I'd tried to change her mind but she'd hear nothing of it, resorting eventually to getting upset with me enough that I'd given in.
She was like a second … or should that be third? – mother to me, and even now that I was so much older I found that I was seriously in need of one.
3 years later …
I stayed and I made a home for JJ. We had friends of a sort and I had a job that wasn't challenging by any means but was satisfying just the same. JJ had friends his own age in a town with a community spirit who welcomed me because Joan had taken me under her wing. I became one of them almost immediately and it was a feeling I hadn't achieved so easily in the whole of my life.
It was safe. I felt safe there … normal … and while I was normal, so was JJ. There was no reason for anyone to come looking for us. Since no one outside the town knew us my absence wasn't hurting anyone either.
All I knew of my circumstances was that the Ascended had removed me so that no one remembered me. Whether that meant they'd rewritten history so that everything I'd ever done never happened, or just made it that no one knew me I didn't know. It made my head spin, thinking about what and how the Ascended had done what they'd done - I found myself thinking about the past and where I'd left things because it was natural to do so. I wondered from time to time how Evan and Tansy were doing and had to remind myself they wouldn't be missing me because I'd never existed for them. At least Evan wouldn't be angry at me for leaving him behind. His life was long gone from my point of view in any case - since it hurt to think of that I pushed it and him from my mind. Thoughts of John were harder to ignore and I didn't try - he was ever present in my mind and again my only comfort was that he was living his life with no knowledge of what he'd lost. He'd be okay without me - I had to believe that because in the early years I had no other choice.
I saved as much money as I could and I told myself that when I had enough I would make a trip to Colorado where I would stake out the mountain for as long as it took for John to appear.
I was deluding myself.
I'd become less than the person I used to be, the one who would have been scared, sure, but who would have grabbed that bull and held on to the horns for grim death until the required result had been achieved. I was scared because suppose I was successful? Suppose I staked out that mountain and one day John Sheppard walked from its depths? What if I followed him and gathered up the nerve to approach him, only to find that he didn't know me … worse, what if the spark that had been there before we'd known each other had disappeared as well?
I didn't think I could bear that, and so I stayed …. because while the question remained unanswered, I had hope.
