Peyton chewed the wad of gum in her mouth as she stared absently out the window. The clouds were dark and swollen with the rain whose drops were threatening to fall at any given moment. She heard the footsteps enter the room and a door closed leaving them all alone.
"Peyton…you're here."
"Surprised?"
He smiled at her, sarcasm and all.
"Pleasantly. And how are we today?"
Peyton rolled her eyes. She had long grown tired of the dog and pony show.
"Fine, Dr. Pelsinger. Just peachy."
She was still tense and moody among other things but that was to be expected. Even with her cynicism and evasion tactics, attitude and all, she was at least showing up to her sessions and that was an improvement in itself. It was progress. Not that the doctor was a fool. He had been practicing psychiatric medicine for many years and he knew the drill and all the tricks and trades that came with it. His blonde patient was on a mission of her own…getting out of there. Like most of the new and troubled in patient residents, she would say and do almost anything to get discharged.
"What do you say, we get started?"
She shrugged.
"The sooner we start, the sooner it's over."
"That's one way of looking at it."
"Look, I'm here, okay? I'm not happy about it but I'm here. And I've been going to group. I've been following all the rules and doing everything I'm supposed to be doing here."
"Yes. Your behavior has improved."
"So what does that mean? It has to count for something, right?"
"Like?"
"Like my release. You can't hold me here forever, especially now that I'm cooperating."
"That is true, Peyton. No, I cannot hold you forever. And while there has been some improvement, there is certainly room for more."
"Like?"
"Well, Peyton, it is one thing to show up…quite another to participate. I feel this is a helpful environment for you and progress is progress, no matter how small. You've come a long way since you got here but the journey isn't over yet. I feel you haven't gotten the most out of your therapy experiences."
Peyton sighed in exasperation.
"You know that I hate it here. You and everybody else think talking about a bunch of my so called problems is suddenly gonna solve everything. That's not me, okay? It never has been me. It's not how I deal with stuff."
"How do you deal with it?"
"I, I don't know. Look, this isn't fair. Keeping me here is not helping me, it's depressing me."
Dr. Pelsinger nodded.
"I know you don't like it here, Peyton but is your being here really the root of your depression? Think about it."
"Why are you doing this?"
"Would it be safe and honest to say that your depression, your feelings stem from much more than this hospital?"
"Whatever. People live with depression everyday. I mean, who is happy all the time?"
"You're right."
"So you're taking something that's normal and making a way bigger deal out of it."
"Would you say it's normal to feel sad some of the time?"
"Yes."
"Would you say it's normal to have stress and anxiety sometimes?"
"Yes."
"Would you say it's normal to hurt oneself, perhaps through cutting?"
She bit her lip, angrily looking away.
"It's not a big deal, I told you already."
"Do you honestly believe that? Peyton, you were hurting yourself. You were inflicting harm to yourself…"
"Okay! It's over now. Look, I don't know why I did it, okay?"
"I think you do."
"Well, I say I don't," her voice rose. "If we don't move on like right now, I'm gonna walk out. I don't have to sit here and take this from you."
He raised an eyebrow, noting her defensive and emotional reaction. For the time being, it was best to move on to another subject.
"Peyton, what do you think happens when those stress and anxiety levels along with feelings of sadness and low self worth are not dealt with? A lot of times things happen in childhood. When little kids don't get help, those problems, those emotions go with them into adolescence. And sometimes for whatever reasons, a series of bad things happen to good people. What I'm saying is, when issues that need to be addressed are not addressed, all those pent up feelings transform into an internal beast. The depression, the confusion, the pain, the fear, the abandonment, the rage…"
"Look…"
"It won't go away, Peyton, not on its own. I know you don't want to be here. I know you'll say or do whatever it takes for me to let you out. But that is not helping you, it's not in your best interest."
"I come to your stupid appointments and I talk to a million counselors…what more do you want from me? I am doing the best I can! I am trying to cooperate…look," she pointed to the table. "I even did that homework assignment you asked me to do a couple of days ago."
Dr. Pelsinger eyed the stack of white envelopes neatly stacked on top of each other. He picked them up, one by one. On the front, a single name had been penned. Mom. Dad. Lucas. Brooke. Nathan. Jake. Nikki. Anna. Felix. Rick. Ellie. Jimmy. Derek.
"I see," he replied quietly. "The assignment was for you to write a letter to everyone in your life who had ever left you, ever hurt you, ever wronged you. You were to get your emotions out, say everything you needed to say."
"I know what the assignment was," she curtly cut him off mid sentence.
Dr. Peslinger nodded, holding the 13 envelopes.
"These are awfully light, Peyton."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"Very well. Let's explore."
"Explore what?"
He took a seat.
"Your feelings. Your inner most emotions."
Peyton laughed in spite of herself.
"This is bullshit."
"Is it?"
"Yeah. Yeah, as a matter of fact, I kind of think it is."
"Why?"
"You told me to write that crap down and I did. You said we didn't have to talk about it, at least not yet."
"That's correct, Peyton. You see the point of this therapy, is to let it all out. The things we keep repressed and bottled up inside eat away at our souls. This exercise was the first step in acknowledging the pain."
"That's what I did."
"Then let's see what you wrote. Who shall I open first?"
A fire flashed in Peyton's green eyes.
"No!"
"Peyton…"
"I'm not ready. I…"
"You didn't do the assignment, did you? These envelopes are empty."
She shook her head.
"This is crap. It's a waste of time. I don't believe in any of this anyway. I just show up so you'll let me go but we both know that's never gonna happen, at least not anytime soon. It's stupid and I'm tired of it and I'm out of here."
She stood to leave and made it all the way to the door.
"Peyton…"
"Leave me alone. You can't make me stay in this room with you."
"That's true. That is your choice. Of that, you have free will. The question is, what will you choose?"
She smirked.
"I choose to say screw it. I'm going back to my room."
"You choose to run away."
"Whatever. Call it what you want."
"That's the learned behavior you have adapted in order to cope with life. You have a deep rooted fear of abandonment. You have suffered from depression most of your life. You have trust issues, relationship issues…"
"They pay you the big bucks for that?"
"You're hurting, Peyton," he handed her the envelope that said Mom. "You have something to say to your mother, Anna. She hurt you. She left you. She turned your whole world upside down when she died. And she died on her way to pick you up from school."
"Stop it."
"Your father. He's a good man, a good dad. He loves you very much. All he wanted was to make a comfortable life for you. To do that, he had to concentrate on his business. He was away at sea a lot, working, consumed in his own grief. He wasn't there. He wasn't home. How many times, how many nights did you come home to an empty house?"
"You're insane…"
"Lucas. You love Lucas very much, you always have. He's a good kid and he loves you, too, but it's hard. His unconditional love, his unwavering loyalty…he's the guy every girl wants and you have him. It's a dream come true, or at least it's supposed to be, right? Then why does it feel like a nightmare? Why can't you handle it?"
"I don't want to do this, Dr. Pelsinger."
"Brooke Davis, she's your best friend in the whole world. She's like the sister you never had. Nothing could ever break that bond until a boy came between you. Brooke did that, she let it happen. And she was too full of herself to get over it, to accept your sincerest apology. She took it far, too far, didn't she?"
Peyton's bottom lip began to quiver uncontrollably.
"She…she made fun of Ellie's death…"
"Ellie was the first person to abandon you. She just gave you away. Then she came back. It took so long for you to reach within to allow yourself to feel for her. When you finally did, she died."
Peyton refused to cry.
"She, she just gave up. It's like she didn't even want to fight the cancer anymore. She didn't go for the surgery or the chemo or anything. She just gave up."
"Who else? Who's next, Peyton? What about Nathan?"
"We were just kids. It was a long time ago."
"Mental, emotional and verbal abuse is what it is…it's still abuse. How did that make you feel? How did it make you feel? The put downs, the lies, the cheating?"
"I don't care."
"Oh I think you do. Just like you cared about Jake. And Jenny. You gave your heart to him again, which was the hardest thing in the world to do. He knew that and he broke it anyway. He left just like everybody else. Did he really care about you or did he just appreciate everything you did for him? Or maybe it was just to get in your pants."
"Jake left to protect Jenny! He had to because of Nikki."
"Nikki. How selfish was she? How much did she hurt Jake and Jenny? How much did she hurt you? It's all her fault. Her jealousy, her vindictiveness ruined the only shot you had at a loving, stable family."
"Why are you doing this? Why are you saying these things to me?"
"They all hurt you, didn't they? Anna? You were there for her. You were willing to take a stand for her when no one else would but she sold you out. The she left too. It was a low point in your life. You didn't know what to do anymore. You felt like you had no one. And what did Felix do? He spray painted that hateful word on your locker. He tried to humiliate you, strip you of any dignity you had left."
"Felix was a jerk."
"He was a jerk. When that happened, you had nowhere to turn, no one to turn to…but Rick."
"Rick was a mistake," she looked away.
"Did you sleep with him?"
"No."
"Did you have sex with him for the coke?"
"No! No! I, I never did that. Yeah, I did the coke with him so he'd help me get bands for the club. The high felt good so I did it some more."
"But the crash made you feel even worse."
She nodded.
"That's why I quit. I didn't want the drugs in my life anymore."
"That gave you back some control, didn't it? Leaving the cocaine alone. But you still had other issues. Depression, rage, confusion, loneliness, grief…it was all there. Sometimes you felt like dying yourself and Jimmy almost made that wish come true. Once again, you were helpless."
She closed her eyes.
"I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about Jimmy Edwards or the school shooting."
"Things were coming around, finally looking up. You had the internship to look forward to. You had college. You had a chance to get away, to escape because face it, we all know that's what Peyton Sawyer does best. You had come to terms with Brooke being out of your life, of never being in a relationship with Lucas. You were numb. You put up a wall of armor so nothing or no one could hurt you."
"So? What's so wrong with that? You sit here and play your psychiatric games and try to analyze my life? You don't know. You think you do. Everyone thinks they know Peyton but the truth is, none of you do. You don't know shit! People hurt you. People disappoint you. People lie and leave and cheat. And I was always the one hurt, always the one left behind and it's like no one even cared. Poor Peyton brooding again. Well, I got tired of it. I got tired of feeling like that. So I decided to protect myself because who else was going to?"
"You trusted a few people still. You had an inner circle, a clique."
"Whatever."
Dr. Pelsinger took a deep breath. It was part of his method. He wanted desperately to help her, save her from herself. She was hard to reach, harder than most. The years of anguish and trauma had taken their toll on the sad teenager. In order to get her, he would have to take everything away. He'd have to completely break her down in order to build her back up.
"Derek was a part of that circle…wasn't he?"
"This conversation is over."
"You were his friend and he was supposed to be yours. You trusted him, he was one of the few people you could. Because of that trust and friendship, your guard was down. You couldn't see through him and when the time was right, he made his move. He kidnapped you. He tortured you in every way possible. He played sick mind games."
Peyton began to tremble. Beads of sweat covered her forehead. Her limbs suddenly felt like jelly as she felt the familiar tightness in her throat and stomach.
"It…it, it's over now. He, Derek's gone. He's dead. He can't hurt me anymore."
"Do you really believe that, Peyton? Derek may be physically gone but he lives on in your head and inside your heart. The memories are there, haunting you in sleep. He had complete control over you. You feared him like you never feared anyone."
"Don't…"
"He beat you, Peyton. He kidnapped and tortured you. Those weeks were hell on earth."
"Shut up!"
"It's still there. You think about it all the time. He is always with you, even in death. You hate it. You hate that he has that control over you. You hate that you're 18 years old and it feels like you have to live in fear for the rest of your life. The horror, the pain, the shame…it was too much. It is too much. What did he do to you, Peyton?"
"I can't!" she screamed.
"Yes, you can. You have to. This is the only way you'll ever be free. You have to acknowledge it. You have to talk about it. Pretending it didn't happen doesn't work and you know that. He hurt you, didn't he?"
"Yes."
"He beat you, physically tortured you."
She felt numb again.
"Yes."
"He instilled within you fear by placing you in the most horrific, unimaginable situation. He got in your head and he's still there, isn't he?"
Peyton nodded with a whisper.
"Yes."
"Congratulations, Peyton."
"What?"
"This is an important step in recovery. Finally you can exorcise all your demons. This is the first day of the rest of your life."
"Dr. Pelsinger…"
"You're a good person, Peyton. Do you know that? You're a beautiful girl, a loving daughter, a caring friend and girlfriend. You're strong and intelligent and talented. You have so much going for you. Everyone can see that but you. Why? I'll tell you. A lifetime of hiding problems and repressing feelings has caught up with you. Your running away and putting up walls has caught up with you. Today it all stops. Today you get to see what everyone else sees. Come here," he motioned for her.
Reluctantly she followed him to the back of the room where there was a large mirror.
"What is this? What are you doing?"
"Look in that mirror. Look at that girl, Peyton. Who is she? Tell me…who is staring back at you?"
"I don't want to do this."
"There's a little girl in there that has a hole missing from her soul because she misses her mothers…both of them. They went away and you feel guilty for it. A car accident killed Anna Sawyer. She ran a red light and she died tragically. You were just a child. And cancer killed Ellie. You feel guilty for the time you rebuffed her. Now the agony of missing them both, especially when you need them the most, is almost unbearable. It's okay to miss them, Peyton. It hurts, it's supposed to hurt. But you have a life to live, you have to move on. You have to find ways to channel all that grief and let the guilt go. You didn't kill either of your mothers. You have nothing to feel bad for. What happened to them…it wasn't your fault."
"I know," she looked away.
"Has anyone ever told you that? Your mothers loved you just like your father loves you. All that time he was gone and you needed him. That hurt you very much. It made you angry. Did anyone ever tell you it's okay to feel that way? You should tell your father how you feel so you can deal with it together. It wasn't fair that he abandoned you but it's not your fault."
"This is stupid," she said in a faint voice barely above a whisper.
"Sometimes the ones we care for the most hurt us. Jake loved you but he did what he felt he had to do to protect his child. He was just a scared child himself. But he loved you and Jenny loved you and what the three of you had was real. It was beautiful. Cherish those times but let it go because it wasn't meant to be. And someone like Nikki? Well, everyone has a story, Peyton. She has her own regrets and fears and demons to deal with. I know it angered you because she hurt you and those you loved but you have to let that anger go as well. You have to release and forgive. Felix and Anna? It's in the past. It's over now. Acknowledge that it hurt, cry if you have to, write them a letter, scream at the top of your lungs…then let it go and move on. The same thing with Brooke and Nathan. Tell them they hurt you. Hear if you hurt them. Try to deal but no matter what, walk away with all that negative energy away from you. Anna leaving, Felix being ignorant, the estrangement with Brooke and Nathan treating you like garbage was not your fault."
"You don't understand…"
"I understand more than you think. Everything you need to be okay is already inside you, Peyton. You just have to find it and use it and believe in yourself. You know that, that's why you got rid of that sleazy Rick character. You didn't need a drug to make you okay, you're better than that and you know it. All you need is love and inner peace. You need yourself."
She defiantly shook her head.
"Easier said than done."
"Perhaps so but let me ask you…are you ready for it to end? Are you ready to get better, to truly begin the healing process? Are you ready to put Derek to rest?"
"How?" she mouthed.
"I asked if you're ready. Is it what you want?"
She meekly nodded.
"I…I don't know how."
"You've already started. You're talking about it. You're getting help. You're taking action. You're taking your life back. Recognize your mistakes. Take responsibility for your own actions. Break down that wall. Don't push people away that love you the most."
Peyton stared at the floor, a lump forming in her already dry throat.
"Like Lucas…"
"Yes. Like Lucas. He is a fine young man who loves you very much. You love him as well. You don't have to be afraid of that. Peyton, you should embrace it. You are worthy of it. Not everyone leaves. Your friends and your family and your boyfriend are in this journey with you for the long haul. Let them be there. Let me be there. Let us help you with support and compassion and understanding. You're a survivor. You have to face the reality of what happened to you but you don't have to face it alone. Ignoring Derek, cutting yourself, pushing loved ones away, pretending like everything is okay when it isn't won't make the situation go away."
"I don't know what you want from me…"
"How do you feel about him? Tell me how you feel about what Derek did to you."
Anger filled tears flooded Peyton's eyes.
"What the hell kind of question is that? I mean, how am I supposed to feel?"
"He was your friend."
"Friend? He was supposed to be. No! Friends…friends don't do that. Friends don't hurt other friends, not like that."
"What did he do? No one is going to hurt you again. No one is going to blame you or judge you or be angry with you."
"I can't," she shook her head.
"Yes, you can."
Peyton nervously played with her hands.
"He…he was my friend. You know? There, there was never that drama with him. I could talk about stuff with him but at the same time, we just had fun. It was like having a big brother around. I, I felt…protected."
"Because you trusted Derek."
She nodded.
"I never knew that he felt that way about me. I never knew he was crazy."
"How could you have known all that?"
She shrugged.
"I don't know but I feel like I should, like I should have paid more attention. When it finally happened…it was so surreal. It was a horror movie that I was watching only I wasn't watching…I was the star."
"He hurt you very badly."
"I was so scared. Sometimes, sometimes he would beat me until I passed out. He put cigarettes out on me. He'd get inches from my face and his eyes would get all black and he'd start saying these things, these terrible things."
She was almost there but it was a tricky approach with victims suffering posttraumatic stress disorder like Peyton.
"Did he rape you?"
"No."
He knew she wasn't being truthful. The medical records told the real story but so did her eyes.
"Did he rape you, Peyton?" he asked again in a softer tone.
She looked away, anywhere but his eyes, as if she was leaving her own body.
"I hate him. I hate him for everything he did…what he said, what he put me through. I hate him for making me pity him."
"Did he rape you, Peyton?"
She felt nothing.
"Yes."
There it was. She had said it aloud. She had only admitted it to one other person, Haley, and whenever possible had managed to block out the repeated, terrifying experiences. Now she had said it after denying it so many times.
"It's not your fault."
"I know."
"I mean it, Peyton. Do you hear me? The kidnapping, the beatings, the torture, the rape…especially the rapes. None of it is your fault."
"That's what they say," she never made eye contact. "It's never the victim's fault."
"That's correct. And you are a victim. You're also a survivor. That's a powerful thing."
"I don't feel so powerful…"
"Say it. Say it out loud that it isn't your fault."
"Okay. Okay, I get it, Dr. Pelsinger. Now this is just weird. You keep repeating that. It's not my fault. Okay."
"You don't have to afraid anymore and you don't have to be ashamed."
"I know that…"
"No one will blame you. No one will judge you."
"Okay."
"Your father won't look at you any differently."
"Stop it. Okay? I get what you're trying to do but don't. Don't bring my father into this!"
"Rape isn't about sex. It's about power and control and violence. What happened to you wasn't your fault. It's Derek's fault."
A tear slid down her cheek, followed by several more.
"I…I couldn't stop him…" she began to sob.
"It's not your fault. I am repeating that over and over because you need to hear it. Peyton, none of this was your fault."
"I felt so dirty, so ashamed, like, like I wanted to die. I still see him. I close my eyes and I can see Derek. I…see him, I smell him, I feel him. How could anybody ever know? How could my dad look at me again, how could Lucas ever love me if they knew the disgusting things he made me do?"
"It's not your fault."
"I let him!"
"He forced you. There's a difference."
She stood and stumbled, the tears flowing as pain filled wails escaped her throat.
"Oh my God! What am I gonna do? I feel like my life is over!"
"It's okay."
He approached her slowly with tissues that she gratefully accepted. She was a weeping, blubbering, hysterical mess but it was a major step up from the angry, detached girl that had felt nothing so far.
"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry…"
"What are you sorry for, Peyton?"
She looked him right in the eye.
"For all sorts of things," she replied softly.
He reached out and she accepted, whimpering helplessly in his arms. His mission had been accomplished…the wall had been broken.
