EndarkenedSanity: Yes, I'm a dirty trickster XD Hehe, whether Mavis is a real ghostie or just a product of Gray's mind, she can always put him back in his place. Ugh, I was at the point of shoving Gray at Lyon like "HUG AND MAKE NICE NOW" lol
Of Wishes and Hopes
"–yon? Hey, Lyon?"
Lyon startled and looked up from his perusal of the table's woodgrain to blink owlishly at Yuka. "Sorry, what?"
His friends exchanged a long look.
"Okay," Yuka said with a scowl, crossing his arms over his chest, "you know how I feel about the demon, but I think you should go back already."
Lyon stared. "…What?"
"You've been here for days, but you haven't been here. You're never paying attention. Your mind is always with him. And as much as I still don't approve, this has gone on long enough. Stop running away."
"But–"
"He's right," Sherry said quietly. "I know that it's been really difficult for you, but… You aren't doing yourself any good here. You haven't heard a word we've said in days, and we all want you to feel better. You need to figure things out with him."
"I tried," Lyon said moodily, propping his cheek on his fist. "He won't talk to me."
"When have you ever been a quitter?"
"Look," said Yuka, "you can be annoying as hell and I'm still not pleased with how you handled the whole demon situation, but you're my friend, yeah? So I want what's best for you. And if it's the demon, then go figure it out already."
Lyon might have laughed if he wasn't so depressed. If nothing else good came of Gray's fall, at least Lyon and Yuka were back on speaking terms. They had been circling each other warily for a while, getting closer again little by little, but relations had still been strained. Lyon couldn't entirely blame his friend for still being upset about how he'd handled things with Gray, even if he wouldn't have changed it. But there was something about seeing a friend drop into a precipitous depression that encouraged you to put aside your differences and patch things up.
Lyon was still surprised at the blunt suggestion, but he supposed he shouldn't be too startled by Yuka being a good friend. And it would be great advice, if he was ready to listen to it.
He had already been avoiding Gray for much too long, hadn't even said goodbye or given an explanation, and it ate away at him. What if Gray thought he had just given up and left? Lyon regretted leaving, but he was too nervous to go back just yet. He still didn't know how to face that impenetrable wall Gray had put up and was afraid of what he might find when he returned.
"Not right now," he mumbled.
Sherry sighed. "I really think–"
"Later. Anyway, can you believe how much property damage Jura caused on his last job? He always seemed more responsible than that."
The team exchanged another one of those looks, causing an uncomfortable itch between his shoulder blades. It made him feel like he was missing something or they were talking about him silently.
"That is what we've been talking about," Toby blurted out.
"…Really?"
"This is what we mean," Sherry said with another sigh. "Your mind is with him. Your heart is with him. Go work things out."
Lyon wasn't going to give up so easily, and clung to his chosen conversation topic with a tenacity that put those world-weary looks on his friends' faces again. But they conceded, because what else could they really do? If Lyon wasn't budging, it wasn't easy to make him move.
He persisted for nearly an hour before he noticed everyone staring behind him with wide eyes.
"What?"
Sherry jerked her chin behind him and he turned to see Gray standing in the doorway, leaning heavily against the frame. His heart shuddered to a painful stop and he surreptitiously pinched his arm under the table, but Gray was still there when he looked up.
But why could he possibly be here? He wasn't on speaking terms with Lyon, and there was nothing here…
Lyon's train of thought derailed. Gray was staring straight at him. His face was blank, but he was looking at Lyon. He almost never did that anymore, and never so directly.
"G-Gray?" Lyon stuttered. "What are you–? Is everything alright?"
He wanted to kick himself for being so stupid. Gray wasn't speaking to him. But he also shouldn't be here at all, so maybe…
Gray pushed himself away from the doorframe and started forward, and the hall was absolutely silent as everyone watched with bated breath. Lyon's mouth twisted into a frown. Something was wrong. Gray's steps were slow and unsteady, a pained sort of shuffle that wasn't normal. And there were blotches of red bleeding through his sleeves.
Gray stumbled and a streak of black shot up from the floor to curl around him.
"Don't need your help," he mumbled, pushing the shadow off and continuing forward.
"Are you hurt?" Sherry asked, eyeing him in alarm.
Some small part of Lyon's brain might have been secretly hoping that his extended absence would make Gray realize what he was missing and come running back, but the truth was that it would take something much bigger to bring Gray back now. And nothing good. It was freaking Lyon out a little.
Gray didn't answer, just dragged himself slowly across the room and came to a dead stop directly in front of Lyon. They stared at each other for a long moment, Gray impassive and Lyon frightened out of his mind.
Then Gray reached out slowly and wrapped his arms around Lyon, pulling him close and dropping his chin on his shoulder. Lyon froze, stiff as a board and too afraid to move a muscle in case he woke up. Then he came to his senses and quickly reciprocated the gesture, his body trembling and his throat tight.
"Gray…"
"I'm sorry," Gray breathed so softly that Lyon almost missed it. "You know I love you."
"Of course. I do too. I mean, not me. Love you, not me. I mean… Yeah. I'm sorry I left. I know I shouldn't have and I didn't even say anything and I should have already come–"
"Stop," Gray mumbled, his voice weary. "Stop apologizing for stupid stuff."
He wriggled out of Lyon's grasp and leaned back, swaying dangerously and almost losing his balance as he did so. Lyon grabbed his arm to steady him, and Gray hissed in pain.
"Sorry, sorry!" Lyon let go as if burned and his attention was drawn back to the dried blood soaking his friend's arms. "What happened?"
Gray looked down and examined his arms as if he'd never seen them before, blinking sluggishly as he twisted them forwards and back. "Hm, I should have changed. I was supposed to change the bandages…but I got distracted and came here instead. I think they wanted to have Wendy heal them, but she wasn't there because…" He stared down blankly, totally spaced out. "Don't remember. Wow, my brain is still screwy. Do you remember?"
His gaze slid to the shadow on the floor, and he stared at it for a second before nodding. "Oh. She went to try ferreting me out of my apartment."
"Why would she need to 'ferret you out' of anything?"
"I locked myself in again. Didn't mean to…but I needed time to recover."
"From what?"
Gray just shrugged, his gaze meandering across the room aimlessly like he wasn't entirely there. A little pink blur whizzed past, and Lyon found himself shoved aside as Chelia hurried up to Gray.
"Let me take a look at that," she said. "I can't… But I can still heal with non-magical means. I've gotten good at it."
She took charge, having always claimed healing as her domain, and sent Sherry scurrying for her first aid kit while she sat Gray down at the table. Which was probably just as well, since he looked ready to keel over at any moment. Pushing his sleeves up, she clicked her tongue in the haughty disdain that could only come with observing shoddy work on one's specialty.
"These bandages are wrapped so clumsily."
Lyon didn't care about that. He was more concerned that there was almost no white showing past the crimson staining them.
"Sorry," Gray said hollowly. "To be fair, I was only half-conscious at the time."
Lyon hesitated and then dropped a hand on his shoulder. "What happened?"
Gray said nothing for what felt like an eternity, and Lyon had the heart-stopping realization that he was being ignored again.
"…It was an accident."
Lyon's shoulders slumped in momentary relief, but he tensed up again as he recalled the issue at hand.
Chelia carefully unraveled the bandages, revealing pale skin smeared red all over. And down the center of the inside of each arm, a long, deep slash ran from wrist to elbow. Lyon's knees turned to jelly and he sat down hard on the bench.
"I thought it was an accident."
"The cuts weren't," Gray muttered. "The almost dying part was."
"I shouldn't have left," Lyon said, eyes glued to the blood seeping out of the wounds as Chelia hurried to tend them. Maybe if he had stayed and kept up the visits…
"Don't be silly. Nothing was your fault. I make my own poor life decisions."
"Maybe I should have guessed," Lyon mumbled. "But I was hoping you wouldn't go back to…that."
Gray shrugged. "Who said I ever stopped?"
Lyon's horrified gaze snapped back up to his face. "What? But–"
"It's pretty addictive. I don't think I've ever been able to quit for more than a few months at a time."
"That's horrible!"
Gray shrugged again, blank gaze fixed on his arms and Chelia's small hands as she put her healer training to good use. "I've nearly sawed off my own head before. This is nothing."
"…That's supposed to make me feel better?"
"…I guess not. But I haven't done anything that drastic in a long time."
Chelia shook her head fitfully as she wrapped new, white bandages neatly around Gray's savaged arms. "I don't understand why you'd want to hurt yourself. Why anyone would."
"Probably just as well," Gray said with a sigh. "You're still young. Hopefully, you won't ever get to that point. Most people don't. But sometimes something goes wrong in someone's brain, and then it all goes to hell. Sometimes you start forgetting things."
"Forgetting?"
"You forget where you put your keys, what you walked into the room to do, your friend's birthday, that you took a double dose of sleeping potion right before playing with knives, why you're supposed to get up in the morning, how to feel happy. It's a slippery slope, kiddo, and hard to drag yourself back up again."
Lyon swallowed hard, his hands clenching into helpless fists.
"But why?" Chelia asked.
Gray sighed again. "People do stupid shit when they're sad. And once you mess up your brain, it never quite goes back to the way it was. People always have reasons, even when they don't think they do. Not always very good reasons, but reasons nonetheless."
"But if they're silly reasons–"
"It doesn't matter if they're silly. People can have good or bad reasons, but they're their reasons."
Chelia looked suitably chastened as she fastened the gauze and leaned back. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to belittle you."
"Oh, I don't particularly care. But if you ever run into someone else with…problems, the worst thing to do is invalidate their feelings."
She nodded, eyes solemn. "I understand."
"And what are your reasons?" Lyon blurted out.
"Too many," Gray murmured. "Far too many."
Lyon winced but couldn't say he was surprised by the lack of a real answer. He had some good guesses, but he wanted to understand the rest so that he knew how to help. But he was also afraid of pushing Gray too far right now, when they were only just back on speaking terms. Anything that might jeopardize the newly opened lines of communication was to be avoided at all costs. Still, he needed some kind of reassurance.
"But you came here, right? That has to mean something. A first step. Are you going to try, then? To, you know, recover? Because you haven't been and…"
Gray hummed absently and his glazed eyes traced lazy patterns over the tabletop. "I wasn't going to, but recent events have forced me to reconsider my stance."
"You remembered how precious life was?" Lyon suggested, perking up. "No more suicidal stuff?"
"…Not exactly. I have a rather skewed view of life and death and pain and all that, I'm afraid. I've lived too long not to be jaded."
Lyon deflated. "But–"
"Are you finished?" Gray asked in a monotone. He stared straight down at his hands and didn't look over.
"Huh? Finished with wha–? Oh." The words were devoid of any obvious emotion, but Lyon could sense their gravity and significance. "With you? Of course not. I knew I shouldn't have left. I wasn't giving up or–"
"Then it doesn't matter if I'm ready. You aren't ready to let me go."
The words were heavy with simple finality, pulling the topic to a close. Lyon's mouth worked soundlessly, but he couldn't find the right words. It was a powerful sentiment—touching in its own way, but also discouraging. Gray should want to get better for himself, not for everyone else. But baby steps. Maybe the rest would come later.
Gray stood and murmured a quiet thanks to Chelia. Beckoning for Lyon to follow, he started back toward the door with unsteady steps. He only made it a few paces before Yuka stood abruptly and stepped around to block his path.
The two men stared at each other, and then Yuka thrust out his hand.
"I don't like you," he said through gritted teeth. "But for Lyon's sake, let's call a truce."
Gray tilted his head as if in slow motion, but reached out and shook Yuka's hand. Lyon looked on in disbelief, unable to believe his eyes. Toby scurried over to add another element of surrealness, darting glances between Yuka and Gray before hesitantly sticking his hand out. He flinched back almost immediately, but his hand still hovered in the air just outside comfortable arm's length.
Gray didn't move at first, but then he reached out and brushed the very tips of his fingers against the very tips of Toby's. Toby jerked his hand away and retreated behind Yuka.
Gray stared at them for a moment longer before shaking his head. "You guys are a strange bunch," he murmured.
Yuka's gaze slid to meet Lyon's, and he scowled and half-shrugged. Sherry nodded her encouragement, and Lyon mouthed 'thank you' to his team.
Then he became aware of Gray's retreating footsteps and hurried after him.
"Good luck," Sherry said, and he waved a hand in acknowledgement. He'd need it.
He followed Gray out of the guild and down the street to the train station in awkward silence, trying and failing to come up with a way to start a proper conversation. They were too out of the habit of talking to each other. Gray seemed content with the silence, still lost halfway in his own mind, but Lyon had been ignored for too long and he wanted the silence filled.
"So…"
Gray sighed heavily and turned into the station. "Sorry. Today has taken a lot out of me, and I overestimated how well I'd be able to handle the trip over. Can we just wait until we get back?"
Lyon did not want to wait, but he'd rather talk later than never. "…Okay."
"Sorry," Gray mumbled again.
They boarded the train and found empty seats. Gray slumped over against the window, exhausted and wilted, while Lyon shifted about uneasily, the silence chafing at him.
There was a short delay, and then the train lurched forward and began chugging down the track. Lyon tried to focus on the world speeding by in a blur on the other side of the glass, but Gray was still collapsed against the window and it was impossible to ignore him.
"Are you…alright?" Lyon asked. He winced, wondering if he'd just blown it.
"…Fine." Gray's exhale slipped from between his lips, but he didn't open his eyes. "Just woozy."
"…Woozy?"
"Lightheaded. And exhausted, even though it feels like I've been sleeping forever. Probably shouldn't have run around so much right after waking up."
"You should have rested first."
"I wanted to make sure I came here before I chickened out."
"I'm glad you came, but you look pretty horrible. Why don't you get some sleep?"
"Not usually a good idea," Gray said, and Lyon remembered the nightmares. Gray's eyes slid open and narrowed in an almost calculating fashion. "Actually… Maybe."
Lyon didn't understand the sudden change of heart, but he didn't want to question it in case Gray changed his mind. Gray curled closer to the window, but looked back over and gave Lyon a look that was strangely uncertain and vulnerable.
"What?"
Gray hesitated but then slid his hand over and slipped it into one of Lyon's. "Make sure I wake up?"
Lyon's eyes widened in alarm. "Is it still really so bad that–?"
"No… But you never know."
He swallowed hard and tightened his grip. "Of course. You're safe with me."
"I know," Gray mumbled. He closed his eyes and turned his face away, and his breathing began to slowly even out.
Lyon watched him silently, afraid to make a sound. The whole thing still seemed surreal after being ignored for so long, but the hand in his own felt solid enough. It reminded him of after Gray had nearly killed himself with the devil slayer magic last time, against Eileen. When the nightmares had come and Lyon had stayed with him.
That seemed like a lifetime ago now, and so much had changed. This wasn't the same, but maybe it was a start.
Gray napped through the entire ride, stirring occasionally but never letting his eyes flutter open for more than a few seconds. Lyon took the opportunity to peek under his sleeves. The bandages were still there, which made a hard lump settle in his stomach. Wishing them away wasn't going to do any good.
He only dared prod Gray awake once the train had stopped and the other passengers began filing off. Mind still muddled by sleep, Gray looked around blearily, small and vulnerable. He seemed so fragile, and it made Lyon's heart break.
But then he shook his head, pulled himself to his feet, and headed down the aisle. The vulnerability melted back into that distant weariness again. Lyon followed quietly, still unsure of his place and afraid of making a wrong move.
They ran into the little old lady on the way up the walk.
She stopped and gave Gray a disapproving look. "You've been avoiding me."
"Sorry, Obaa-san. I've been avoiding everyone."
Landlady. Right. Lyon had run into her a few times during Gray's extended avoidance of everyone, since he had dropped by here frequently to try making a breakthrough.
She caught his eye and gave him a small nod, but quickly refocused on Gray. "I ran into your friends and they told me that…" She darted a look at his arms and her lips tightened.
"Ah, it went farther than it should have, but I'm fine. Don't worry, I avoided making a mess on the carpet."
"…That's not what I care about."
"I know, but I did." Gray leaned forward a little and met her gaze squarely. "Things are going to be changing around here, because this isn't working. I'll stop by for tea tomorrow, alright? Just let me take care of a few things first."
She sighed. "I certainly hope you're there."
"I will be. I'm going to be working on some things."
"That's good to hear, at least. If you need anything…"
"I know where you are."
He held the door open for his landlady before turning away to unlock the door to his apartment. She watched him go, but Lyon was too busy hurrying after him to pay much mind.
As usual when entering this place, Lyon's eye was drawn to the mural on the far wall before the door had even clicked shut. That was another life too, painted on the wall, but he hoped that Gray could find it again soon.
"Who knows?" Gray said with a sigh. He tugged off his boots with weary, laborious motions. "Maybe someday."
Lyon started in surprise and flushed as he realized he must have spoken his thoughts out loud. "There's a lot of love and care there," he said, clearing his throat and trying to smooth over his faux pas. "You put your guild up there with all the love you had for them and all the love they had for you, so surely you must have felt it. So why didn't you go to them when you needed them? They can help you. That's what family is for."
"The guild?" Gray repeated slowly. "More like everyone."
"Everyone? Everyone what?"
"Is up there."
"I don't understand."
Gray drifted over to the far wall. He touched a spot on the Fairy Tail mark and dragged his finger across the paint with a feather-light touch as he talked.
"Happy's fur, Ultear's hair, Elaine's eyes, Ur's ice, Charle's bow. Mavis's eyes." His finger moved again, tapped a splotch of color, moved to the next. "Your eyes, your ice, that stupid blue you like to wear so much. I have a little piece of everyone."
"You…" Lyon stepped over, and Gray slid silently out of the way like a ghost.
Lyon touched the colorful patchwork tentatively. He made a square frame with his fingers and squinted at the block of color he had isolated. It…did look exactly like his ice. He moved his frame of reference and found his eyes.
He was speechless, amazed by how much thought and attention had gone into it. His quiet jealousy of Gray's team suddenly seemed silly. Maybe he had actually been here all along.
"Are you here too?" he blurted out.
"I didn't think I had to be." Gray headed for the bedroom with shuffling steps. "Just a second. I'm going to get a new shirt."
Lyon stared after him, but quickly found his gaze drawn back to the painting. It made a lump build in his throat.
But he didn't say anything when Gray drifted back out of the bedroom a few minutes later with a clean shirt and collapsed onto the couch, sensing that the topic was closed. He followed Gray over to the couch and sat down more gingerly. His gaze darted around the room as he searched for any possible topic of conversation.
"No more cranes?" he asked, noting the conspicuous lack of origami paper and crumpled birds.
"I finished them."
"Where are they?"
"In the guild. I replaced the string I broke before she… But I'm done now."
This was the first Lyon had heard of a motive for the cranes beyond a desire to copy what Mavis had been doing during her last days. But he recalled the incident in question, and if that was what Gray had needed to start letting go…
Gray gestured toward the other side of the room, motioning to the bit of old paper wedged behind a picture frame. "There's yours. The one you left. You can take it, if you want."
Lyon narrowed his eyes to study the bit of paper in bemusement, but then he caught the edge of a wing and recognized that worn napkin crane. "Oh. Mavis gave it to me." He froze, wondering if it was a bad idea to bring her up, but forged on valiantly. "I left it here on purpose."
"I figured. But you can take it now."
"No. The wish was for you, so maybe you should keep it."
Gray gave him a funny look. "Wish?"
"Well, yeah. You're supposed to make a wish on them, right? Didn't you make wishes on yours?"
"…No. I don't believe in wishes."
Lyon's lips tightened. He couldn't stand the complete lack of hope that such an assertion suggested.
"That's sad," he said. "That would make soulless cranes. No wonder you were never satisfied and had to keep crumpling them up."
Gray hummed tonelessly and curled against the arm of the couch. "What did you wish for, then?"
Lyon hesitated but then said, "For you to come back. You always run much too far, and sometimes pieces are missing when you return. I'm afraid that one of these days you're going to lose too much and not return at all. I wished for you to come back to us. To me."
Heat dusted his cheeks at such a candid statement, but he was distracted when his friend's head jerked around. Gray stared at him like he'd seen a ghost.
"Are you alright?" Lyon asked anxiously, afraid he'd said something wrong.
"Because I run too far, huh?" Gray murmured. His mouth twitched into a weary frown and he looked away again. "True enough."
"…Gray?"
"Yeah, my default setting is to run nowadays. Sorry. I shouldn't have run away from you."
"It's alright. I might've run too. I guess I sort of deserved it after how I treated you in the beginning, anyway."
"Deserved it?" Gray's hand tightened on the arm of the couch, fingers bunching together. "You didn't deserve it. I was just being a jerk because it hurt too much to see how much you still cared and forgave me even after I fucked up so bad. At least you had a good reason."
"But it was still a mistake." Lyon hesitated, chewing on his lip. "It was really, you know, discouraging to keep coming here and having you ignore me. I was getting frustrated, and then Erza looked at me and said that you're a powerful mage and you could keep me out if you really wanted to. That's true, isn't it?"
Gray shrugged. "Of course. But… I don't know. Maybe I still needed you. It's just so hard to cut ties entirely, even though I thought—still think—that it would be easier that way."
"Don't I know it," Lyon said ruefully. "It was impossible to keep you cut off entirely even when I tried."
"I noticed. I guess you guys never did things the easy way."
"No, we don't, do we? But it's okay. We always seem to do crazy things for the ones we love."
Gray eyed Lyon sidelong and his mouth curved into a gentle frown. "Why do you love me?"
The question, simple as it was, stopped Lyon dead in his tracks. "Uh…"
"What is it you see that I keep losing sight of?"
He swallowed. He and the others loved Gray when Gray couldn't love himself, and maybe that was what it boiled down to. But how could they make him see what they saw when he so adamantly refused to cooperate?
It was a simple question, but it didn't have a simple answer. Lyon couldn't find the right words when he opened his mouth. What was he supposed to say to that? What was it that he loved about Gray? Was it some big, undefinable quality or a collection of every little thing that made Gray himself? It was a fundamental truth that went beyond such concrete terms, and he found himself struggling to put something so powerful and abstract into words.
"Because…" He shook his head helplessly. "You're family."
"Easy answer," Gray said, unsatisfied. "What does it mean?"
Lyon was stumped again. He knew it, he felt it, he believed it with all his heart, but how was he supposed to package it into mere words and still have it be satisfying?
"Why do I love you…?" he mused aloud, his brow knitting in thought. "You're the only one who has the guts to stand up to Erza and tell her that her cake is gross. You thank people for helping you out by infesting their home with salamanders as a prank." Seeing Gray's start of surprise, he added, "Erza and I talk sometimes, you know.
"You have this really annoying habit of pushing people away when you're unhappy, and you keep trying to do what's best for us without considering what we really want. You have a knack for ruining any emotional moment with a well-timed snarky comment. You're prideful and arrogant and can resort to childish tactics when you're annoyed or someone gets the better of you. When you go cold and demon-y, you can scare the shit out of anyone.
"You also like snowball wars and ice cream, like a kid. You end up protecting everyone, even when you pretend not to. You mold like lightning and have an unfortunate habit of almost getting yourself killed anyway. You have a hundred different smiles with a hundred different meanings, but there's a really genuine, heartfelt, rare one that I like best. You're loyal to a fault. I can't let go of you because you wouldn't let go of me, even when I hurt you as badly as I could.
"You're human in all the ways that count and…" He gestured helplessly with his arms, feeling like he'd talked himself in a circle and still didn't know how to say what he was trying to express. "I don't know. You're family. That's what family does: we love each other. Same as you and your guild."
Lyon forcibly put a stop to his rambling, not sure if he had made a good enough argument. Gray was staring at the floor with glazed eyes. Nothing in his face gave away what he might be thinking, which only heightened Lyon's anxiety as the silence dragged on.
"Oh," Gray said finally. "Okay."
Lyon stared. Really? That was it? Maybe that was what he should have expected, given how averse Gray was to acknowledging anything sentimental or touchy-feely, but still.
A new sort of shyness engulfed him as he asked, "And…me? Why do you still love me?"
Maybe it would be better not to ask, but Lyon realized that this was something he had always taken for granted. He knew that Gray loved him, but it suddenly occurred to him that he didn't really know why. Theirs had been a rocky relationship, and Lyon had not always been the most loving of people. He had some understanding—he wasn't completely stupid—but he'd rather hear it from Gray's own mouth.
Gray blinked at him with dark, almost uncomprehending eyes. "Because you live in a different city."
"…What?" Lyon stared at him as if he'd grown a second head.
"If you get too annoying, I can send you home. I'm stuck with the fools around here all the time, even when they're annoying."
Lyon's mouth worked soundlessly, but then he snorted out a strangled laugh. "There's that knack for ruining moments with snarky comments."
"I guess so."
"I get it, I get it, topic closed."
Lyon was disappointed by the lack of a real answer, but he didn't let it bother him too much. Gray had never been good at expressing his feelings in words, but he showed them in his own way. So Lyon traced over the painted Fairy Tail mark on the far wall with his eyes and resigned himself to the almost companionable silence.
Gray pulled himself to his feet. He stumbled and righted himself, but Lyon was already jumping up and grabbing his upper arm to steady him.
"I'm fine," Gray mumbled, and Lyon obediently let go and stepped away. "Would you mind if I stepped out for a moment? I need to finish cleaning up the bathroom. I already got most of it, but I was kind of out of it and I'd rather you not see…"
Lyon's heart twisted into another knot at the reminder. "Um, sure. And I'll… Have you eaten? I don't think you've eaten much in…forever. You should. I'll find something quick to make for dinner, and then maybe we could go to your guild for a few minutes? They probably want to make sure you're okay. I mean, if you're feeling up to it. You seemed a little better after napping on the train, but if you're still–"
"It's fine," Gray said. "You're right. They're probably still freaked out."
He limped off to the bathroom without another word, and Lyon stared after him for several seconds before shaking himself out of his stupor and heading for the kitchen. Gray's altered—almost nonexistent—eating habits had manifested themselves in a conspicuous lack of comestibles in the cabinets, but Lyon set to work with grim determination.
It was a patchwork meal he threw together, but it was better than nothing. Gray came shuffling in shortly after he'd finished, a sheaf of papers tucked under his arm. Lyon eyed them curiously but stayed quiet. The two mages ate in relative silence, all talked out.
Lyon gathered up the dishes when they finished and turned away to put them in the sink. By the time he turned back, Gray was running a thumbnail along the final fold of the crane he'd made from a greenish-blue page.
"What are you doing?" Lyon asked. "I thought you said you were done with those."
Gray shrugged and stood. He kept his head bowed and his gaze fixed on the crane in his hand as he stepped over and held it out.
"I wish…that the people you love start letting you back in. I think you'll be happier when those relationships are mended."
He put the bird in Lyon's palm and stepped back. Lyon blinked down at it too, and then at Gray. A lump formed in his throat. Gray was wishing when he'd said he didn't believe in it, and it had to be a good sign that he was taking that first step to finding his faith again.
And Lyon needed that wish. He desperately wanted to mend his relationships with Gray and his team. He'd been making good progress, but he'd take all the help he could get to really build them back up to where they'd once been.
"I…"
"It's because you always came back for me, even when I didn't deserve it, even when you thought I was someone else, even when you finally realized what I was. I tried not to get too close, but you always drew me back in. You treated me like family until I finally started to believe it. That's why."
Lyon stood frozen, eyes wide. He hadn't really expected an answer, and he convinced himself that it was only because it had caught him off guard that his eyes stung and his throat closed up.
Gray was still studiously avoiding eye contact. "You're right. We should go check in with the guild. They didn't want to let me out of their sight after they realized I… Well, we should go."
Lyon pushed aside that warm, fuzzy feeling, filing away the words to be examined and savored later. Right now, he'd follow Gray's wish to not acknowledge them.
"Okay. We could– Um… Actually, while I'm thinking about it…"
"What?"
He shifted uncomfortably, not sure this was going to be well-received. "I know you missed, uh, her funeral, but do you think that maybe it would be good for you to, uh, go see the grave?"
Gray frowned down at the table. "I already did."
"You…did?"
"Earlier today. Before I went to the guild."
"Did it…help? Erza and I thought that maybe…"
"I don't know. I guess. Not sure that's really what made the difference. She told me to get my act together, so I'll try. But sure, I guess it was a good first step."
Lyon wondered again what had brought about that change of heart, because Mavis had told him that before she died and he hadn't taken it to heart then. He somehow doubted that it was just the almost dying thing, since, as Gray had so aptly pointed out, he had a very skewed view of life and death and didn't view them the same way as everyone else.
But either way, Lyon thought it would be good for him to do something to come to terms with what had happened to Mavis. That incident had sent him plummeting to rock bottom and culminated in something possibly quasi-suicidal and definitely self-destructive. If they wanted to stop it from happening again, the relevant issues would need to be addressed.
"If you… If you ever want to go back, I can go with you. I mean, maybe it would be easier if you weren't doing it alone."
A considering look entered Gray's eyes. "I wasn't planning to go back, but… Maybe we can stop by there on our way to the guild."
"…Really?"
"Really."
Gray headed for the door and Lyon scrambled after him, still not quite able to believe it. He hadn't expected Gray to actually take him up on that offer.
The walk to the cemetery was mostly silent, with Lyon continuously darting looks at Gray to reassure himself that they really were on speaking terms again. He still couldn't figure out what his friend was thinking. Darkness was spreading slowly over the dusty sky as evening began creeping over the horizon, and the combination of dark, silence, and cemetery cast everything in an unsettling light.
Gray found the grave without any trouble, backing up the claim that he'd come here before. Lyon hovered off to the side uncertainly while he selected a page from his sheaf and carefully folded it into another crane. Gray's lips tightened into a frown as he looked down at the snowy white bird in his palm.
"I wish…for you to find the peace you could never find here. I hope death is everything you dreamed it would be, and that it's kinder to you than life was."
He bent to place the crane on the stone, and stayed crouched as he pulled out a page as black as night and folded another crane.
"And I still don't like you," he said in a less friendly tone, "but I wish you get your chance to shape up and become someone better. Maybe if I can do it, you can too. I'm not holding my breath, but have at it."
Lyon looked on in confusion, before catching the glitter of ice in the fading light. Leaning closer, he saw a small, rectangular slab of ice engraved with a 'Z' buried in the grass. It hadn't been there before, so what…?
"Z?" he blurted out. "Z for–?"
"Well, I don't have any particular love for him, but she wanted to believe that he could be saved." Gray pulled himself back to his feet, leaving the white and black cranes nestled on the ground.
Lyon didn't know what to make of that, knowing Gray's extreme distaste for Zeref and all things related to the black mage. Then again, maybe it wasn't his place to understand.
He folded his hands and a case of frosted ice encircled the cranes, leaving them peeking out at the world but safe from the elements. Gray nodded his approval.
"Did you say everything you needed to say?" Lyon asked.
"I think so. Did you?"
The question caught him off guard. He'd barely known Mavis at all, so what could he really say? But then a thought hit him and he winced.
"I'm sorry I got so mad," he mumbled. "You sort of deserved some of it, but I might not have been so nasty if I understood why you needed to be that way. And I wasn't fair when you gave me the hard truths I didn't want to hear. So I apologize for that."
He let out a breath and realized that he did feel a little better. He felt justified in disapproving of how she'd treated Gray, but her death and the revelations that came after had made him feel like he had been unfair.
Gray started back down the aisle without another word, his fingers hooking in Lyon's sleeve and tugging it gently as he went past. Lyon followed obediently as they headed toward Fairy Tail's guild hall.
"Things are going to get better now, right?" he asked, his voice smaller than he wanted it to be.
"I sure hope so. I can't make any promises, but I'm going to at least try to figure it out."
Lyon's heart fluttered in hope. Gray was a fighter when he wanted to be. If he was going to fight, then he was strong enough to win. It was only when he gave up that things really fell apart.
"Good," Lyon said quietly. "And don't…don't hurt yourself anymore. Okay?"
Gray sighed. "I'm not sure I know how to stop."
"Then at least let me help you when you can't help yourself." Lyon darted a glance over at him through his lashes. "I'll be here. You know, if you need me."
Gray's gaze slid sideways for the briefest of moments before being fixed straight ahead again. "I know. You have been. I appreciate that."
Lyon smiled hopefully, and Gray nodded once before pushing open the doors to the hall. Every head swung toward them, and the expressions were all somewhere between grim and worried.
"Gray!" Lucy cried, jumping to her feet. "You came back!"
"And you even brought Lyon," said Erza. Relief shone in her eyes, but it was partly masked by concern.
"I said I would," Gray said.
"Yeah, but you don't always say what you mean," Natsu muttered.
Wendy jumped up and ran toward them like a small blue blur. "Gray-san! They said that I should heal–"
"No, that's alright." Gray drew her up short, wrapping gentle fingers around her arm and bringing her to a stop as she reached for him. "I think I'd like to keep them as a reminder."
"But–"
"Sometimes I need something to remind me of the things I'm prone to forgetting. Leave them, Wendy. They are part of who I am, and I am not ashamed of them."
Wendy hesitated, torn between her need to heal and desire to honor Gray's wishes. "I guess, but…"
Gray chose a sky blue paper and wedged the rest beneath his arm again. His folds were quick and practiced, and he was lightning fast when he wasn't going at a painstakingly slow pace and crumpling up the results. He pressed the crane into Wendy's hands.
"I wish…for you to keep growing up and building your confidence, because you're a strong girl and you should believe in yourself. You've grown so much since we first met you, and I want to see you continue to thrive here."
Wendy's gaze darted between Gray and the paper bird. "I…"
"Is that better?" He glanced back and arched an eyebrow at Lyon, who grinned ruefully.
"Much."
"Thank you," Wendy mumbled. "You too, Gray-san."
"I thought you said you were done with those," Erza said.
Gray shrugged. "I was, but Lyon says my cranes are soulless, so…"
Lyon flushed. "I didn't really…"
But Gray was already turning away, stepping over to Erza and pulling out another paper to start on the next crane.
"You already gave me one," Erza said, flapping a hand awkwardly.
"That one didn't have a wish." Gray handed her the bird and leaned forward to breathe something in her ear.
She started, her eyes widening, and a blush dusted her cheeks. She mumbled something too low for Lyon to hear, and Gray nodded and turned to Natsu.
"It matches your hair," he said, transforming a paper into a crane in a whirlwind of pink and brandishing it toward the dragon slayer.
"Hey!" Natsu said indignantly, his eyes flashing in anger. "You stupid–"
And there was Gray's knack for spoiling emotional moments again. But he leaned in and whispered something to Natsu, who froze and stared back with a stunned expression.
Gray eyed Happy and folded an orange paper into not a crane but a…fish. Lyon might have laughed if there wasn't still such a poignant, sentimental air hanging over the room.
He watched as Gray made his rounds, giving his paper cranes and whispered wishes to each of his friends. He wondered if this was as much an apology as a token of his resolution to do better and move forward.
"Something changed," Erza whispered, sidling up beside Lyon. She was rubbing the wing of her crane absently between her fingers, and Lyon realized with a start that he was still doing the same to his. "You don't think this…incident really got through to him?"
Lyon shook his head almost imperceptibly. "I don't know. He's already had too many close brushes with death to count, and not all of them were entirely unintentional. But something must have changed his mind."
Erza hummed to herself, her eyes distant, but then said, "I'm glad he finally stopped ignoring you."
"Me too!" he said feelingly, and she coughed out a soft laugh.
"I told you it would get better."
"You did."
"…I've played referee between the two of you for much too long now."
Lyon almost smiled, but was too busy watching Gray's progress. Gray wavered briefly before making cranes for Bisca and Alzack. He glanced down at Asuka held firmly by the hand between them and darted an uncertain look at them. Lyon recalled that the parents had been extremely overprotective of their daughter and kept Gray away from her. Come to think of it, he hadn't seen Asuka around much lately. Her parents had probably tried to shield her from Gray's erratic and sometimes disturbing behavior and depression, for which he couldn't blame them.
But now they exchanged looks and nodded. Gray bit his lip and dropped to his haunches, finally meeting Asuka's eyes. She blinked back uncertainly, looking small and lost between her parents.
"Here you go, kiddo," Gray said quietly.
He handed her a crane and murmured something into her ear. She pulled her hand out of Alzack's to accept the gift and frowned at it with an almost puzzled expression before looking back up.
"Does that mean you're going to start playing with me again?" she asked.
Gray winced. "That's…complicated. But I'll be around more."
"Oh." She frowned some more. "Why have you been so strange lately, Gray-nii?"
Gray sighed and ran a hand through his hair, weariness hanging over him like a cloud. "People do stupid things when they're sad, kiddo."
Comprehension dawned in Asuka's eyes all at once, a spark of recognition that made the world come into focus. "Oh, you're sad?"
"…More or less."
"Wait here!" She ripped her hand out of Bisca's and went scurrying over to snatch something up from the table behind them. Rushing back, she held out the stuffed dog to a bemused Gray. "Here, take Binkie. He makes me feel better when I'm sad. I mean, I usually cry when I'm sad, but I'm sure he can help you too!"
Gray's utterly baffled expression made a quiet chuckle rumble through Lyon's chest. Gray took the proffered toy and stared at it as if he'd never seen a stuffed animal in all his life.
"Uh…thanks?"
"You're welcome! But I want him back when you're feeling better. He's still mine, you know. Take good care of him."
"I…certainly will. May I ask why he's named Binkie?"
Asuka smiled, the corners of her eyes crinkling. "Because I used to have a blanket that Mommy and Daddy called Binkie, but I lost it and got him instead. So now he's named Binkie too."
Gray blinked at her in disbelief and then a smile spread slowly across his face. "I see. Thank you, kiddo. I'll take care of him."
Lyon's heart twisted into a funny kind of knot.
"Whoa," Erza whispered. "That's the real one."
Lyon swallowed hard past the lump in his throat and nodded. "Yeah," he mumbled. "That's the real one. And God knows it's been a long time."
"It really makes you hope that things are getting better, doesn't it? I want to believe that he's going to be okay."
Lyon ran his fingers over the paper folds of his crane. "Let's wish on it."
Erza gave him a teary-eyed smile. "We've been wishing for a long time, haven't we? But thank goodness he's finally giving us some hope."
"Well," Lyon said with a smile, "let's hope, then."
He looked back over at the sound of approaching footsteps. Gray drifted over, his arms folded over his chest and the stuffed dog's head hanging over them while its body hung down below. The floppy brown ears and big glass eyes almost made Lyon smile again, especially with Gray clutching the toy like a child.
"I think I'm going to head home," Gray said. "It's getting late, and I'm exhausted. I'll come back tomorrow."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Erza said, instantly back up in arms. She drew herself up to her full height and braced her hands on her hips. "You really think we're going to let you run off on your own after you just…" She darted a glance back at Asuka and cleared her throat awkwardly. "You know. You can go back and stay with Natsu for a while."
"No thanks. I'd rather stay at my place. I'm not going to do anything besides sleep."
"You–"
"Lyon can stay with me, if you're really that worried. I pulled him down here on short notice, anyway."
Lyon ushered Gray out of the building before he could decide to renege. He wanted to be there to keep an eye on his troublesome friend, and they had a lot to catch up on. He'd been excluded for so long that he'd jump on any chance to be invited back in.
Gray's smile was tired but grateful as they ducked back out into the night. The sky was black but for the pinpricks of stars and dull glow of streetlamps, but Lyon didn't need a good look at his companion's face to sense his weariness.
"Long day?"
"Yeah. It was…a lot. And I'm still not fully recovered from…"
"Mm. Let's get you to bed."
"…I'm not a child."
"I dunno, you look real cute hugging Binkie."
Gray made a displeased grumbling sound and tightened his grip on the toy dog, which only amused Lyon further. Gray only loosened his hold to let them into his apartment.
"You can have the couch," he said as he disappeared into the bedroom.
Lyon nodded to no one in particular and headed for the bathroom. He paused just inside the door, blinking at the blank expanse of wall behind the sink.
"Uh… What happened to your mirror?"
"Hm?" Gray materialized by his shoulder with an armful of blankets. "Oh. I broke it a while back."
"How do you manage to break a mirror attached to the wall? It can't be that easy."
"Well, I never said it was an accident."
Lyon's face creased in disapproval. "Why did you break your mirror?"
"…I don't know. Maybe I didn't like the person I saw looking back at me."
Lyon sighed, thinking that sounded like a very Gray line of reasoning, but didn't have the chance to say anything before his friend shoved the blankets at his chest and turned away.
"Gray–"
"If you need anything else, let me know. Otherwise, I'm going to bed."
The door to the bedroom clicked shut as he disappeared inside, leaving Lyon to stare at the wood. He looked back at where the mirror should have been. He sighed.
This room already gave him enough of a weird feeling knowing that Gray had nearly died in here, and he was less than thrilled to know that another non-accident had taken place here. There was too much darkness in here, and they needed something to cover up some of that negativity.
Gray had painted an entire mural, so there must be some leftovers around somewhere. Lyon threw the blankets onto the couch and went searching. He had a long night ahead of him.
"Lyon?"
Lyon startled awake and flopped over onto the floor in a tangle of blankets. He hurriedly fought free and stumbled for the bathroom in a panic.
"What?" he demanded. "What's wrong?"
Gray turned back, looking more bemused than endangered. "What is this?"
He pointed to the far wall where the mirror had been. It took a moment for Lyon's sleep-addled brain to catch up, but then his smug self-satisfaction returned.
"It's you, obviously. You didn't include yourself in your mural when you should have, and you said you didn't like who you saw looking back at you. So I thought I'd show you what I saw."
Gray's face scrunched up into an odd expression. Lyon had to admit that it wasn't the prettiest painting. He had never been that artistic outside of molding, and he'd only found one of the thicker brushes to work with. So fine, maybe Gray's portrait was a little lopsided and the eyes were different sizes and he kind of looked like a stick figure. But it was the thought that counted, right?
Gray burst out laughing, the sound loud and unexpected in the still morning air.
"Hey!" Lyon spluttered, flushing with embarrassment and indignation. "It's not that bad."
"It's so bad!" Gray gasped past his laughter, doubling over and clutching his stomach. Tears of mirth gathered in his eyes and streamed down his face. "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, you–you– Hahahaha!"
"Hey," Lyon said again, but now he was smiling ruefully. It was pretty bad, to be honest, and it was so good to hear Gray laugh so genuinely after so long.
"Now I'm going to have to buy a new mirror, just to cover that up!"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever."
Gray traipsed back out of the bathroom, still chortling to himself. "You wanna get ready? Don't bother with breakfast. We're going to stop by my landlady's place since I promised I'd visit today."
Lyon did as he was asked, still grumbling to himself mutinously, much to Gray's great amusement. That was partly why he kept up the act: he'd do whatever it took to make Gray smile and laugh again, even if it was for something silly.
He got the opportunity to tease Gray in return when he carried Binkie across the hall with him to his landlady's apartment. Teasing comments were met with a blunt, "The kid asked me to keep him. You think I can show up at the guild without him?"
Lyon was afraid that breakfast with the landlady would be an awkward affair since he only knew her in passing, but she was extremely friendly and Gray was, if not talkative, at least more willing than usual to carry a conversation.
It was nearly noon by the time they said their goodbyes and headed to the guild, Binkie still in tow. Gray's spirits weren't quite as high as earlier, but he didn't seem as exhausted as yesterday and only stumbled once. Any improvement was a big step.
When they headed into the building, they were both immediately on guard. It was obvious that something was going on. There were secretive looks on everyone's faces and they were giving off a distinct air of being caught red-handed.
"What's up?" Gray asked guardedly.
Looks were exchanged, and Lyon hoped they weren't about to do something really stupid.
"We, uh, made you something, while we were waiting for you to get here," Erza said. She smiled sheepishly and rubbed at her nose. "You gave us all your wishes yesterday, so we thought that maybe we'd give you ours today."
Lyon and Gray exchanged a puzzled look which didn't help clear things up any. Erza gestured with her hand, and Lucy jumped up to snatch whatever was propped on the bench on the far side of the table.
"Uh…" Gray stared blankly at the object she held out to him. It looked strangely like a wreath made of paper.
"Sorry," Lucy said with an awkward cough. "We couldn't really come up with a good configuration. But we all made something! See, mine is right here."
She pointed to a yellow piece of paper that was folded and cut into the shape of a chunky key.
"And I just did a crane, since you showed me how," Erza added, pointing at a navy blue bird. "…And also a sword, because swords are cool."
And then everyone was pointing and explaining, and Gray and Lyon looked on with something approaching awe. A lot of the origami was sloppy and many people had cheated and broken out the scissors, but everyone had contributed some little symbol of themselves.
"We all wish for you to move forward and look to the future instead of drowning yourself in the past," Mira said.
"To forgive yourself," added Cana.
"To let us back in," said Happy.
"To turn back into the fighter we know you are," Gajeel grumbled.
"To see how human you are," Loke said.
"To be happy," Erza said with a small smile.
Gray looked around at the ring of earnest faces and ducked his head. He unlatched one hand from Binkie to take the odd paper wreath, and slipped it over the dog's head like a collar as he fastened his arm securely across its belly again.
"Thanks," he mumbled, his voice thick.
Lyon smiled a little, and he wasn't the only one.
But Gray wasn't the only one with a knack for ruining emotional moments.
"Which one do you like the best?" Natsu demanded.
Lucy groaned. "Not everything has to be a competition, Natsu."
"Everything good does."
"Hm…" Gray looked down, and one corner of his mouth twitched upward into a sly half-smile that promised mischief. "I think I like this little red lizard. It's so cute."
Natsu's eyes widened in outrage. "That's not a lizard, stupid! It's a dragon! And it's fearsome, not cute."
"Aw, look how cute the little bitty lizard is…"
"That's it!"
Natsu lunged forward, eyes and fists blazing, but Erza grabbed him by the collar and yanked him back.
"What do you think you're doing, Natsu?"
Outrage turned to immediate panic. "Nothing, nothing, I'm not–"
"How dare you?"
"I'm not– Ow! Ow! Erza, stop!"
Lyon shook his head at their antics, but then his eye caught on Gray. Gray was watching too, his eyes soft and his mouth curled into a small smile. It was one of those genuine smiles that Lyon's heart so craved, and his spirit swooped upward in elation as he really, truly found the hope that this was the beginning of a beautiful recovery.
Note: Bad Lyon, being ridiculous. Snowball wars and ice cream are for adults too. Fight me.
I actually almost cut the whole scene with Gray and Lyon going back to the graves, but once I came up with the new thing with the cranes, I figured Gray had to go back. The cranes were sort of Mavis's thing and for Mavis, so it seemed fitting that it would go full circle. Also, they just needed some more positive associations to make up for all the negative ones they had before.
Also, FYI, Gray/Binkie is my new brotp. And lol Asuka has a binkie named Binkie. I headcanon that she overheard her parents calling her comfort blanket a binkie and thought it was a name and then passed it along to the dog. Why? Because it's cute and this story could really use something cute after everything lol
On another random side note, it's kind of interesting to see when Gray refuses to tell his friends anything and when he's surprisingly open and blunt about it. He sort of wavers on that a lot and it took me a while to figure out why it felt right for him to go one way sometimes and another at other times. He's a weird character lol He definitely made me work for it.
emmahoshi: Actually, what he's saying is basically that he's as ready for death as Mavis was after living for so long, but he can't accept it yet because his friends aren't ready to let him go. Now, that's still not a great line of thought, obviously, but it's engendered by the skewed view of life and death he's gained over many years of immortality and struggling to come to terms with himself. That's how you know he's not ready, because he needs to actually want to live for himself. And he's started, a little, but he currently has both motivations in play. Well, being the author, I know that Mavis's motivations have been very positive and geared far more towards helping Gray than having anything to do with Zeref (like I've said before, I think part of her will always love Zeref but she also knows all the horrible things he's done so she isn't willing to just forgive and forget—more like still loving someone but not rekindling a close relationship with them because you know when it's safer to keep your distance), but readers can have their own interpretations. I do, however, think that you're basing those more off of canon Mavis and came into the story biased instead of trying to understand the version of Mavis I presented here. Still, that's your right lol Goodness knows I never see anyone's Juvia as anything but creepy no matter how they try to portray her. Sometimes canon trumps all. But I do think you're making a bigger problem out of it than truly exists here XD And no, I won't tell you what Gray told Natsu :P Gotta love a little mystery lol Ha ha, yeah, ain't no way Erza is going to let Natsu beat up on Gray while he's got slashes up his arms X) [EDIT: Lol I know you weren't talking about Juvia. I brought her in as an example. And yes, I still agree about the people who make one person their world. And nope, still talking about Natsu. You're going to have to up the ante on that one ;)] [EDIT 2: You drive a hard bargain! XD FWIW, the posting schedule no longer reflects the order in which I intend to post things lol Just the order I wrote them in. Since it's such an eclectic mix, I'm going to try ordering them in such a way that I spread out the more similar ones instead of clumping them together. "Gag Gift" will be one of the first couple, though. Probably after either "Marionette" or "Replacement". Ha ha, well, I guess the mystery will stay, then XD]
