Chapter 51 - Realizations

AN: Huge thanks to Rennie75 for the double beta on this one & putting up with all the mistakes from your highly distracted friend lol! All mistakes remain mine however :-)

Thank you all so very much for your incredible support, all the favs, follows, & reviews have been amazing! Thanks in particular to the Guests & those with PM's disabled who I can't thank personally.

As always, thoughts, memories, & unspoken conversations are in italics :) Walter's parts are done with British spellings on purpose – my little quirk :)

Disclaimer: It's still owned by The CW guys – and I'm still only playing in their sandpit


He hadn't even thought of Laurel that night at all until Felicity had mentioned the Upper East Side where he knew that CNRI's offices had been located. He needed her to know that his focus had not been on his former girlfriend, but instead it had been on Felicity,his girl.

Mixed POV

Diggle saw the looks on both Oliver's and Felicity's faces at Oliver's comments. He could see what Oliver was trying to tell her and he knew that the two of them needed time alone to talk everything over. Equally, he could see that although she clearly recognized the phrase, Felicity was arguing with herself over whether or not to believe what Oliver had meant by using those words. He also realized just how high Oliver's pain levels must be getting as there was the odd flicker going across his face. Diggle knew that only he, Felicity, and maybe Sara would have noticed those flickers so far, but he was aware of how much Oliver would hate for anyone else to see them and so he had to take action to get the others out of the cave now.

In all honesty, he could see that the others needed to be able to process and probably talk about Oliver's words and the things he had revealed. Hell, I need time to process it too! Five weeks? The first time? How the hell did Oliver do that?! Diggle understood that Felicity's comment about taking down Merlyn with the arrow in that way had also probably raised no few questions, but he wasn't going to allow them to ask Oliver anything else right now. His friend clearly needed to be able to rest, even though he'd never admit to it, and that wasn't going to happen while they were asking him yet more questions.

"Okay guys, enough questions for now. Think it's time that we leave Oliver to rest don't you." Diggle phrased his words pointedly on purpose, making it completely clear that it was not a question and that staying was not an option.

Diggle saw the grateful look flash across Oliver's face as he spoke and nodded in return, letting his friend know that he had his back. He could see that some of the others weren't overly impressed at being shepherded out in this way, but he really didn't care. What they did or didn't want right now wasn't the most important thing. Oliver has been through way more than enough as it is today. Besides, whether they realize it yet or not, they all need to talk this through and they can't do that in front of him.

As Diggle was about to leave after everyone else, he saw that Felicity was also getting up to leave the cave, even though it was abundantly clear that neither she, nor Oliver, actually wanted her to go. Diggle realized that he was going to have to say something so that she would have a reason to stay that he could explain to the others. He had no idea what he was going to say, but knew that he would have to come up with something, fast.

"Felicity, would you mind building the fire up a bit and making sure that Oliver has enough water?" Diggle asked. He knew from both Felicity's and Oliver's faces that his request had been completely transparent; but at the same time, both were grateful to him and they were both accepting the excuse that he had given them, even if it was flimsy.

Everyone else went outside as directed and, by unspoken arrangement, they all gravitated towards the clearing again. It seemed that that had become their place to talk and think things through if they weren't in the cave. Diggle and Sara looked at each other and Roy, unsure as to whether they should stay or let them talk alone again. Before they could decide however, Thea spoke up.

"So you didn't know how soon any of that had happened then either?" Thea asked, clearly addressing the question to all three of the other Team Arrow members.

She was clearly involving them in the conversation that was needed and showing that she, at least, did not want them to go. Sara realized that Thea seemed to have taken on a mediation role between the two groups and it was almost like the teen stood in the middle, with one foot in each group. The others respected her as a part of Team Arrow, while accepting her as part of the non-Team Members too. She supposed that it was because Thea was so new to the Team that she was able to do that, but regardless she appreciated it and valued the role that Thea was fulfilling.

Sara could see how necessary that role was and knew that it was something that she herself would never have been capable of doing. She just didn't share that same understanding of feelings and emotions that the younger girl clearly did. Sara understood that that was as much a skill as any of the physical fighting skills that she herself had, after all it was that sort of thing that Felicity did for Team Arrow – and that was what made them so strong and formidable. As Oliver had said, Felicity really was their secret weapon and without her nothing would work anywhere nearly as well. To be honest, Sara wasn't even sure that they would still be a Team without Felicity, a Unit maybe, but not a Team! Sara looked at Diggle, realizing that he had begun to answer Thea while she had been caught in her thoughts.

"No, your brother has told us relatively little about the details of anything that happened to him. We didn't have any idea that it had been anywhere near that soon! I honestly thought that it must have been years or at the least a year after he had been here – and after he had learnt how to fight as well. I never imagined that it had been only five weeks, or that it was before he had learnt anything at all either." Diggle spoke emphatically, wanting them to know how shocked, and impressed, he had been to find that out too.

Diggle could see how closely they were all watching him and decided to further emphasize the point he had made earlier. "Like I said, in the Special Forces we spend years being trained to withstand capture and torture, and before you even get to that point you've spent years in the Armed Forces anyway. To do what Oliver did, to not break the very first time, only weeks after he'd been that spoilt playboy … I honestly have no idea how he could have done that. But what I do know is that Oliver has a thread of steel running through him and that he truly is a hero, whether he accepts it yet or not."

Lance nodded at that, accepting and completely agreeing with Diggle's words and knowing how true what he had said was. In the Academy they were taught a little about being captured, but obviously nothing about torture or anything like that. He knew that what little they were taught normally freaked out at least a few of the cadets and they were generally a couple of years older than Oliver had been. He looked to his younger daughter, wanting to know if her answer to Thea's question would be the same.

Up until now Lance had made a point of not asking much about her time 'away', respecting her desire to keep the past in the past and understanding that some secrets were better left unknown. But he knew that he needed to know if Sara had known that about Oliver, they all did. Clearly she hadn't been there at the time, she had already told them she had been with that Dr. Ivo guy, but he still wondered if Oliver had told Sara about it when they had been together again on the Island. He could see that the others were wondering the same thing too and Lance knew that it would be better if he was the one to ask her.

"Sara?" Lance asked carefully but pointedly at the same time as he quirked an eyebrow at her questioningly.

"I knew that it must have happened during that first year, I had seen his scars from that, but I had no idea of when. It wasn't something we talked about ever to be honest." Sara answered her Dad, knowing even as she did so that her answer wasn't going to satisfy her sister.

"Why not? Didn't you want to know?" Laurel queried, confused as to how Sara could possibly not have asked about it.

Sara took a deep breath, she knew that she needed to answer Laurel, but at the same time she really did not want to go into any detail on this. She looked to Diggle and Roy, letting them know without needing to speak that she was willing to answer, but only briefly, and she was relieved to see the confirmation in their looks that they would both step in as needed.

"As I've already told you, when I saw Oliver again things went crazy. We didn't have a single minute to ourselves to stop and think, let alone talk, until after Ivo had killed Shado. Yes I wondered, I wanted to know what had happened to him, but we were far too busy trying to simply stay alive to waste time on things like that – especially when Oliver was already grieving for Shado and Slade was changing already from the Mirakuru." Sara had seen that Laurel had been about to interrupt her and argue partway through, but she had continued talking on purpose, not giving her sister a second to interrupt.

"By the time I made it back to Starling City as well, we both had too many scars and too much history for either of us to ask anything. We knew better than to do that, there was no need for either of us to know. Oliver and I were only together for a number of months on the Island, apart from that our journeys were different and not something that we have talked about. As Oliver said, you don't need to know what happened and you don't want to know what happened for the rest of that time. I will only tell you if something becomes relevant." Sara's voice was utterly blunt and, even though she was trying to keep it as calm as she could, it was abundantly clear to all that this was not up for discussion.

Diggle could see that Sara needed some time to gather herself and to deal with everything. He could see that, even though nobody else was saying anything yet, the others were still very curious and worried too and he knew that it was time to step in.

"Sara, do you mind going to check the traps and hunt? Oliver's going to need to eat to keep his strength up." Diggle spoke calmly, giving her the out she needed.

"Sure, it's best if I go now so that I can be back before the light goes anyway." Sara said equally calmly, recognizing the out that Diggle was giving her and was grateful for it. "I'll be as quick as I can, but you all know by now it will take me a while, especially if the traps are empty again." She flashed a brief look of thanks to Diggle as she left, knowing that he would both see it and understand it for what it was.

Moira had thought about what Oliver had revealed as Sara had left the clearing. She was incredibly upset by it and couldn't believe that just five short weeks after the boat went down he had been going through that. Moira felt that her heart was breaking and yet, at the same time, she was yet again even more proud of and amazed by her son. She had no idea where he got his strength from, that streak of steel as Diggle had called it. Yet looking at Thea, she could see that she had it too, somehow. Right now though she wasn't ready to truly think about any of that however and so instead she focused on the one thing she could handle for now.

She was glad that Sara had left now as she had not wanted to draw her into further conversation when it was plain that she had needed to go as quickly as she could. Moira didn't want to doubt her son's words in any way, but at the same time she needed to know if he was right, if it really was down to making a decision and sticking to it. "Is Oliver right? Does it really come down to having the determination to stick to your decision?"

Diggle sighed, thinking before he answered. He was finding it nearly as hard as everyone else was to take in all of what Oliver had said, yet he was still the one that everyone was turning to for answers. He knew that it was because of both his time in the Special Forces, and because he had worked with Oliver the longest, but that knowledge didn't help him to deal with it any better. Diggle knew that what it wasn't as straightforward as Oliver had made out by any means, but at the same time the essence of what Oliver had said was right, he just needed to get that across to them the right way, somehow.

"Yes … and no. You do need to make a decision, Oliver is right about that, and having the determination to stick to that decision is vital. It's something that can't be taught in many ways though. Either you feel strongly enough about a specific person or thing to do everything that you can for them or it. Or you don't. But that on its own isn't enough. Every single person has different pain thresholds, different tolerances, and they experience things differently. Those tolerances can be trained and expanded, but it's not something that can happen overnight which is why the Forces take years to train people in all of this." Diggle took a couple of small but deep, grounding breaths as he continued to speak.

"Occasionally a person will have that something inside of them already that allows them to withstand true torture without breaking when they haven't had any training. But that is incredibly rare! Sometimes you can make it through on a combination of determination and adrenaline, but again that is very rare. It depends on the both the person being tortured, and the person doing the torturing, and what it is that they are willing to do to get whatever it is that they are after from you." Diggle was pleased to see that they were all listening intently, even if most of the faces looking at him were still pale and some looked queasy too.

"Oliver, somehow he had that streak of steel inside of him already. It remained buried until it was needed, but as soon as he made that decision to stand up for what was right and to protect Yao Fei, there was no way that Fyers or Wintergreen were going to be able to break him with what they did. To be honest if that streak of steel was already there so strongly, and it clearly was, then I doubt that there was much that they could have done to him physically that would have broken him, even back then." Diggle looked around, watching their reactions.

Roy was thinking about Diggle's words, processing everything that the older man had said, and he was very glad that nobody seemed to be asking him anything. Even though he wished that he was able to help his Teammate out, he knew that he simply did not have the expertise or the knowledge to answer those questions. He knew very little more than the rest of the others did about Oliver's time away after all. While he was very used to taking a beating and going up against guys bigger than him in the Glades, torture was something he had never had to deal with or even come across before. He had been stunned by what Oliver had revealed and he thought back to when he had told Thea that her brother was a wimp and realized that he could not possibly have been more wrong.

He knew that he didn't always agree with Oliver or the way that he did things, Oliver was too good at pushing people away for his own good. At the same time however, Roy realized more than ever that Oliver truly was the strongest person that he had ever met. Sure he might have more physical strength than Oliver, due to the Mirakuru, but Oliver's strength of character and determination were beyond amazing. Roy knew that if they were going to get through this, if they were going to beat Slade, then it would come down to Oliver's strength and the lessons that they all could learn from him. He just hoped that Oliver would continue to accept the strength that Felicity gave him. Roy realized that she was the reason that, yet again, he had kept going beyond normal human limits yet again today. Are those two ever going to get together? He thought as he realized that Thea was starting to speak.

"But how could he deal with pain like that? I mean it's not as if he had to deal with pain ever before he went on the Gambit." Thea asked and she looked at her Mom questioningly as Roy put his arm around her. Thea knew that he had seen the slight tremors going through her and had realized that she was struggling to hold herself together as she spoke. She was glad of his touch and knew that he was trying to give her the comfort that she needed.

Moira sighed slightly as she tried to work out how to answer her daughter. The truth was she didn't really know the answer to that either, but she realized that she had to say something, she had to at least try to answer her. Thinking back, Moira remembered that after she had had that concussion she had talked to Thea about accepting the Oliver who had returned.

"Do you remember when we talked while I was resting after that concussion? We spoke about what Dr. Lamb told me, that the Oliver we lost might not be the one they found?" Moira asked Thea and was pleased to see her nod in response, even if it was slightly hesitant.

"Well maybe Dr. Lamb was wrong. Maybe the Oliver they found was the one who was always there, but he was just hidden underneath. After everything he's just told us I can't help but think that Oliver must have always been that strong, he just never had cause to use or reveal that strength even to himself until the Gambit went down." Moira knew it wasn't much of an answer as answers went, but it was all she had.

Walter saw how much Moira had struggled to answer Thea's question and he wondered whether she would ever realise, or accept, that the streak of steel that both her children so clearly had had come from her. Regardless of how hard it was for her, he knew that Moira never backed down when it came to her children. Yes, she has made some decidedly dodgy decisions over the years, not least of which was going along with Malcolm Merlyn's plans, but it was always for Oliver and Thea, to protect them.

Walter also realised that no matter how much damage had been done by Merlyn's abduction of him, the only reason that she had been complicit in it (for he strongly suspected that that had been the case) had been to save his life. No matter how wrong the choice itself had been, he could not fault her for trying to protect her family, even if she had yet again gone about it the wrong way. He took his former wife in his arms giving her the comfort that she so clearly needed as Moira watched Thea's nodding response.

As Thea nodded slowly, clearly considering her Mom's words, Laurel was also thinking about them. Initially she wasn't sure whether she agreed with what Moira had said or not, but the more she thought about it the more she realized that Moira may have been right. Ollie had always been wary of committing even though he had never actually had the nerve to admit to it. He had proved as much by cheating on her, on more than one occasion she suspected. Something had clearly been holding him back even if she had never understood what it was.

Now she couldn't help but wonder if it was because subconsciously he had known that he wasn't that person; that he wasn't her Ollie, that he wasn't Ollie at all but Oliver. Laurel had always seen that there was a clear difference between the two versions of him, the Ollie who had left and the Oliver who had returned. Now though she was starting to realize that he had been Oliver all along, it was just that the privileged life he had led had never forced him to have to make a real choice about anything. As Oliver had said, he had never made a single hard decision in his life until then. He had simply done whatever was best for Oliver Queen regardless of anything or anyone else. Being here, on this island, had changed that. It had stripped away the veneer of the playboy and revealed the steel of the man.

As much as Laurel grieved for the loss of the man who had been her boyfriend, she celebrated the strength and the discovery of the man who had become the Arrow. She knew that she loved him still, she always would. But at the same time she was starting to accept that the man who had loved her simply wasn't there anymore. He had told her as much after that first Lance family dinner she remembered. She knew that he would always care for her, perhaps love her even in his own way. But, as much as she hated it and was jealous of Felicity for it, she had never seen him look at her in the way that he looked at Felicity.

Laurel realized that they had never had the same in-depth, unspoken conversations that those two clearly shared either. Admitting that fact broke her heart in many ways, but Laurel knew that Oliver deserved to be happy. After everything he had done for them, for her, the amount of times he had saved her life, she knew that she owed him this much at least. She nodded slightly to herself, resolving that she would back off and not try to get in their way anymore. Felicity was able to reach something inside of Oliver that she never had been able to reach and Oliver both needed and deserved that. He took strength from Felicity in a way that he never had from her, just as Felicity took strength from him. That much had been clear back at the graves Laurel knew. Her heart rebelled from those facts strongly, but her lawyer's mind wouldn't let her escape them. Much as she hated it, even she had to realize and admit that Oliver's heart belonged to Felicity.


AN2: Thank you all so much for sticking with me! Please be kind enough to let me know what you think - thank you! :)