Letting go, finally letting go
¤¤¤16 HOURS RUNNING¤¤¤
Ryuichi put the phone down, a puzzled expression on his face. That's weird, he thought, Touma always answers his phone. Is he still sleeping?
He glanced up at the clock anew. No, it was already 3 PM, he could not still be sleeping. And Ryu had tried both his suite and his cell phone.
Shrugging, he went back to the kitchen area, where Suguru was making tea, and took a seat at the table. Watching his beautiful, slender koibito (lover), he silently counted his blessings. And Fuji had such a nice ass...
"Hey, wanna go see Shuichi at the hospital after tea?" he asked him without lifting his gaze from the younger man's slacks. Or maybe after a game of wrestling...
The keyboardist did not immediately reply. "You go, I have no business there," he said after a while, still with his back to Ryu. He poured them a cup each and came to the table. Sitting down opposite Ryu, he added, "I'm happy for you all that you have your friend back, but he's really only a co-worker to me. I don't care for him much. I think I'll just stay here and kick back for a while, I'm still kind of exhausted after the long flight."
The singer nodded silently. He watched Suguru's fine fingers as he held the tea cup with both hands and slowly brought it to his mouth. So beautiful. "Ore no yubi... (My fingers...)"
He still could not believe it. The scam with Tatsuha-san had not seemed to work at all, so he had pretty much been prepared to spend the rest of his life with young Mr Uesugi, so when Suguru actually confessed to his love for him... he was shocked. It all seemed so surreal. Fujisaki Suguru was his! His boyfriend, his lover, his partner in life...!
It was unbelievable, and Ryuichi could not put into words just how grateful he was.
Suguru stared at him suspiciously. "What?" he wondered.
Ryuichi actually blushed. "Nothing, really... I was just thinking how lucky I am to be with you, and... and that those beautiful fingers on your hands actually belong to me now," he admitted somewhat embarrassedly, and tried to hide his face behind the tea cup.
Suguru threw a balled-up paper napkin at him. "Freak," he said. "I don't belong to anyone, I'm not a possession." He sipped at his tea in silence for a while. Then his lips cracked into a shy smile. "I'm the one who's lucky, Ryu."
Ryuichi's heart skipped a beat. He knew how difficult it was for Suguru to show his true, innermost feelings, so it meant a lot to him to hear those words so bluntly spoken. It made him want to hug him, kiss him, dance around the suite with him! But he restrained himself. The young man needed to do things at his own pace. He would come around eventually.
It was awkward for him to share a bed with Ryu, that had been easy to tell, and their first night together he had stubbornly stayed on his side of the bed with his back firmly turned to Ryu all throughout the night. In the morning he had got up without waking the singer, showered alone and eaten alone. At first it had hurt Ryuichi's feelings, but eventually he began to understand that Suguru was very unused to love and to being loved. And the singer actually had a vague memory of a conversation he had had with Touma a couple years back...
The president had told him that his cousin was an orphan, that his parents had died tragically when he was only fourteen, and that he had had to take care of himself from then on. He had a distinct feeling that Touma also had said something about "loveless relationship" when he spoke of Suguru's parents. And since they had not been able to love each other, they had not been able to love their son either. He had been but a brick in their shady game to hurt each other, stuck in the middle.
The second night, last night, Ryuichi had not tried to encourage Suguru to come closer, but let him remain on his side of the bed, and with his back to the boy he had talked about his childhood. How it had been to grow up in Tokyo with only one parent – his abusive father – and how he had finally found some peace of mind when he met Touma in high school. Eventually he had felt hesitating hands reach out to him, and only a moment later the younger man had put his arms around him.
It had only lasted for thirty minutes, but Ryuichi had treasured those thirty minutes as if they had been an eternity.
"I'll stay here, too, then," he now told the keyboardist as they finished their tea.
Suguru studied him for a quiet minute. "Really? But I thought you wanted to go see Shindou-san," he objected faintly, trying his best to hide how happy he was that Ryu was staying.
Ryuichi boldly took his koibito's hand in his and caressed the slender fingers. "Yes, I would much rather spend the afternoon with you than go to a hospital," he assured him tenderly. "Shuichi will be released shortly, I am sure. He's my best friend after Touma, but you are the love of my life. It's not so hard to choose, anata."
The keyboardist actually laughed at his choice of nickname. Setting his tea cup aside, he nodded at the door. "Wanna go to the bedroom, kareshi-san?"
Butterflies were flying all around inside his stomach as they slowly undressed each other, and when Suguru touched him he felt like the happiest man on earth. Before their argument at the airport, before the kouhai confessed to his love, his touch had always been rough, selfish; the only thing he had cared about was the sex and his own satisfaction. Now his touch was loving, caressing, soft... He took his time, exploring Ryu's body with the tips of his fingers as if he had never seen it before, never felt it.
The kisses they shared were nothing like the scarce kisses Suguru had allowed when they had been sneaking around at N-G. Those kisses had been violent, desperate, and brief; the kisses they now shared were passionate, yes, but a different kind of passionate. They were sensual, tender, and lasted for wonderful eternities. Ryuichi thought he had gone to heaven when he heard his koibito breathe heavily right by his ear.
It must have been the first time ever that Suguru allowed himself to let go and show his innermost feelings to somebody else, and the singer was immensely grateful for that confidence. He took great care in treating the younger man like a prince to prove to him that he could be trusted. Now and then he murmured loving words and honest promises to make Suguru more comfortable with opening up like that.
"I'll be with you forever, and I'll treasure you. I will never hurt you."
Suguru gasped and arched his back beneath him. His mouth was open in a silent cry, his eyes closed and his semi-long eyelashes fluttering.
Ryuichi bent down and kissed his lover's collarbone.
Suguru surprised him by burying his fingers in his tousled, damp hair. "Ryu... sweet Ryu... I... I..."
"Sssch," he hushed. "You don't need to say it. I already know, anata."
The younger man opened his eyes and looked straight at him. Although those deep, brown eyes betrayed such hesitation and such strong fear, he still said, "No, I need to say this, Ryuichi. I... I love you and I want to be with you – forever. I trust you, and I believe you. If anything happens to me... will you do for me what Yuki-san has done for Shindou-san?"
Ryuichi started. "Of course I will, silly," he assured him, and kissed his collarbone anew, then his neck, his chin, and the corner of his mouth. "Always."
"Always," Suguru agreed, and let go of his last inhibitions.
With all those promises made, it was as if Ryuichi got a whole new boyfriend. Gone was his air of indifference and his arrogant condescendence; Fujisaki Suguru became an open, smiling, cuddly person who was very pleasant to be with. He joked and teased, pretty much like Ryu himself always did, and he spoke his heart without fear of being judged or refused.
But there were still things that he did not wish to talk about, and later that evening Ryuichi got it confirmed that the young keyboardist was holding a great deal back. Once again trying to get hold of Touma, he sat in the living room dialing and re-dialing the shacho's cell number to no avail. He almost started to worry that something had happened to Touma. It was not like him to ignore a phone call like that, he was always ready to please everyone else.
What if Aizawa had...?
No, he could not think like that, it was bad karma. Instead he put the receiver down and rose from the couch with the intention of going out to the kitchen. Passing the bathroom, a strange sound caught his attention.
It sounded like sobbing, and it came from within the bathroom.
Furrowing his brow, he stopped outside the door. Pressed his ear against it. And there it was again. "Suguru?" he called softly.
The sobbing stopped abruptly.
He tried the knob; the door was unlocked. Not sure whether he should go in there and offer his comfort or leave the kid alone he hesitated for a few seconds. Then he decided to listen to his instincts and entered the bathroom.
Suguru was sitting in a corner of the room, his legs drawn up to his chin, his arms locked around his ankles, crying violently. His cute little face was red and wet with tears, and he looked so small...
Ryuichi hurried over to him and knelt by his side. "Anata, what's wrong?" he wondered with concern and took him in his arms. "Why are you crying?"
Suguru instantly clasped his arms around Ryu's back and pressed himself closer into the embrace. Sniveling loudly, he managed to say, "I'm just so glad they found him."
That statement threw Ryu into a state of utter shock. It was so unexpected, so honest... so not Fuji. Yet it was incredibly sweet of him to be concerned about his fellow band member when he claimed not to care one bit about his well-being. Holding his little koibito tighter, he whispered, "I knew you were afraid for him. I'm glad you finally allowed yourself to feel everything you've bottled up these eight months, honey. And I'm proud of you."
Sobbing ever louder, Suguru rested his head against Ryu's shoulder. "I was so scared... I was so scared when they told us he'd been kidnapped," he peeped in a small voice. "And when you called and told me he was dead..."
Ryuichi reassuringly stroked his black hair. Kissed the crown of his head. "I didn't know you felt so strongly about him, Suguru-kun," he said with compassion.
Fuji lifted up his head somewhat so he could meet Ryu's gaze. "I was so mean to him, Ryuichi. I said all sorts of mean things to him, but he never resented me for it. He just dismissed it, and he tried so hard to be my friend... but I wouldn't let him. Yet... no matter how much I told myself to dislike him, I couldn't. He's the most annoying person I know, but I do like him. He is a friend of mine. And when I thought he was dead... I felt so bad. What kind of awful person was I? I pretended to hate him while he was alive, and I couldn't even admit that I liked him when he was dead."
Ryuichi held him for a long while, listened to him as he lightened his emotional burden, and whispered reassuring words in his ear. Eventually the tears subsided.
At nine thirty the phone rang. Thinking that it must finally be Touma calling back, Ryuichi ran to the telephone in a sort of happy panic. But he put it on the speaker phone so Suguru could hear too. He did not want them to keep any secrets from each other.
But it was not Touma – it was Yuki.
"Shuichi just came out of detox," he said, and he sounded immensely relieved. "He's exhausted, but he's fine. He's just fine. The doctor wants to keep him for the night for observation, but he'll be released in the morning. So prepare a huge welcome back party for him, alright? See you soon."
For a minute they just sat there looking at each other.
Then they both laughed with relief.
A/N: I will try and get more chapters finished for tomorrow, but we'll see... I have so many good ideas right now, and quite a lot of enthusiasm/inspiration, so you can expect a whole lot more in short. ;)
