Lily stared at Severus in silence, not knowing what to say. She knew she'd shown him too much, that it was far too soon to deal with all these issues. And yet what choice did she have? She couldn't keep pretending everything was fine, when deep down, she was terrified that loving him might damage the relationship she hoped to have with her son.
"Please stop looking at me like that."
"What?" She blinked, frowning up at him as he paced back and forth. "What do you mean?"
He paused, scrutinizing her features. "Like you're afraid of me."
"Severus! Of course I'm not…" But that wasn't true, was it? Not when she was watching him through wary eyes, dreading what he might say. What if he couldn't be reconciled with Harry, if the wounds of the past could never be healed? No, she wasn't scared of him… not in the way he probably meant it. But to realize that everything hinged on his reaction, that she might be forced to make one of the most painful decisions of her life based on what he said? Yes, that was frightening.
"Call me a bastard."
"What?!"
Severus stopped in his tracks, coming to kneel in front of her. "You heard me," he said, his words slow and deliberate. "Call me a bastard."
"Why?"
"Because you're angry. Because you're hurt. Because the way I treated your son bloody infuriates you."
"Severus," she said gently, reaching out to touch his face. "After everything you've done for him… what you're still doing…"
"No," he interrupted, pushing her hand away. "Don't give me that shit. You think one cancels out the other? It doesn't, Lily. Stop pretending…"
"Okay, fine. You were a bastard. Satisfied?"
"Not even close," he said, smirking up at her. "Tell me how you really feel."
"Damn it, Severus. It's over. Can't we just let it go?"
"No, because you haven't."
"Maybe not." She turned her head to look out the window, letting out a heavy sigh. "But I'm working on it. If you just give me time…"
"Fuck time. I want the truth."
"You want me to yell at you? Blame you for what you did, say awful things?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because," he said, his expression becoming more serious. "It needs to be said."
"I don't want to hurt you. After seeing how much you've suffered, everything you've done…" She trailed off, shaking her head when he started to interrupt. "No, don't tell me it doesn't matter. It does to me. Besides, I don't trust myself to…"
"You're afraid of losing your temper. Afraid you won't be able to restrain yourself? That's it, isn't it? You know how much anger you're suppressing. So much that it scares you. Better to keep it hidden than risk the damage it might cause if you opened the floodgates."
She stared down at him, stunned. "How do you know that?"
He chuckled, though there was no humor behind it. "I've spent my whole life learning how to control my emotions. Indeed, you might say the fate of the Wizarding world depends on my ability to do so. Is it really surprising to think I might notice when others are doing the same? You're Occluding, Lily."
"What? That's absurd. I never learned how to…"
"Doesn't matter. Occlumency isn't a skill that can be taught. And yet we all possess the ability to some degree."
"But Dumbledore asked you to teach Harry…"
"Yes," Severus said, sinking back on his heels. "But not for the reasons you think. Didn't you find it strange that Dumbledore chose me for the job? Why choose the man your son was least likely to trust?"
Lily nodded. "I didn't understand that at all. Why not just do it himself? He had to know Harry wasn't going to listen to you."
"Well, there's your answer. For Occlumency to work, one must have something to shield themselves against. A reason to fight back. If Dumbledore had entered the boy's mind, it would've hardly felt like a threat. But me?"
"So you weren't there to teach him. You were supposed to antagonize him."
"Precisely," he said. "The boy would've wanted to conceal his thoughts from me, obviously, but I also had a unique talent for triggering his temper. He couldn't learn how to do the former until he figured out how to control the latter. Unfortunately, that never happened. Unlike his mother, his discipline was rather lacking."
"He was 15 years old, Severus," Lily said, not bothering to hide her irritation. "What do you expect?"
"Young, perhaps, but certainly old enough to…"
"Do you remember what I was like at 15? Same temper, same stubbornness… isn't it obvious where he got that from?"
Severus shifted uncomfortably, avoiding her eyes. "That isn't necessarily true. His father…"
"Sirius was the one with the temper. Not James. The rare occasions I did see James get angry, he was over it in five minutes. Rolled right off his back. But me? Do I need to remind you of all those times I yelled at you? Stormed off in a huff or refused to speak to you for days?"
"But you did learn to control yourself," he pointed out. "Which proves you're capable of doing so. If what you say is true and the boy inherited your temper, one would think he could've managed to do the same."
Lily sighed, leaning her head against the couch. "Do you know how I learned to do that? Do you know why?"
"No."
"Because I had no outlet. Sixteen years of silence, unable to yell or cry or even speak… I didn't have to worry about hiding my emotions from anyone else. But from myself? That was a different story. If I'd had to live with those feelings, unable to do a thing about them, I would've lost my mind. The only thing I could do was bury them, push them away until I could barely feel them at all. And now…"
"Now you can let them out," he said quietly. "You need to let them out."
"I don't know how."
She felt her eyes filling with tears, reaching up to swipe them away. Finally, she was beginning to understand the real problem, realizing it was much more complicated than guilt or not wanting to hurt his feelings. Getting angry hadn't been an option for so long that the truth was, she didn't know how to give voice to those feelings anymore. Not the visceral, self righteous anger she felt brewing just beneath the surface, big enough to choke her after culminating for so many years.
"Of course you don't. I should've realized, I…" Severus trailed off, raking a hand through his hair. "The books always say that one shouldn't Occlude for too long without lowering their shields. Even a few days is pushing it. So if you've been doing it for years… fuck, Lily. Well, you were right about one thing."
"What's that?"
"Fearing that you wouldn't be able to control your temper if you unleashed it. If you lowered all those barriers at once, it would be a terrible thing to behold. Indeed, you might kill me on the spot."
"Severus! I would never…"
"Tell me," he said, his voice grave. "If you were brewing Draught of Living Death and added the juice from one Sopophorous Bean, what would happen?"
"I'd stir seven times anticlockwise."
"And then you'd have a finished potion. Very good. Now what would happen if you added the juice from six Sopophorous Beans?"
"Well, the cauldron would explode." Lily frowned, trying to remember. "And… noxious fumes?"
"Indeed. Do you see my point? Too much of anything is toxic. We can't hope to control it. Which is why it's crucial to add anything in increments, never all at once."
"So these… feelings. You're saying I have to let them out a little at a time?"
"Exactly." He nodded, looking satisfied.
"How am I supposed to do that?"
"Well," he said, withdrawing his wand from his sleeve. "Do you trust me?"
"Of course I trust you."
"Then I think I know a way."
Severus sucked in a deep breath, hoping like hell he was doing the right thing. It certainly wasn't the first time he'd modified memories, either his own or someone else's. But there was a fine line between allowing Lily to unleash her anger and making her hate him. Too much emotion at once could be devastating… he had to take this at a pace they both could handle, making sure one issue was fully resolved before moving on to the next.
"Replace your memories," he said quietly, gesturing at the Pensieve.
Without a word, she did as he'd asked, lifting the silvery strands and bringing them to her temple.
"Now," he said, glancing at the empty basin. "Is there anything you don't want me to see? I'd suggest you go ahead and remove it. I'll do my best to respect your privacy, but I can't guarantee I won't stumble across something by accident."
"All right," she murmured, frowning in concentration as she touched the wand to her temple once more.
He watched, nonplussed, as the basin began to fill. Did she really have so many secrets? Why the need to hide so much?
But then he remembered their falling out, her years of friendship with the Marauders, followed by her marriage to Potter. Of course there were plenty of things she'd want to conceal from him… indeed, he should be grateful that she was doing such a thorough job of it.
"I think I'm done. No, wait…"
She dropped one more memory into the Pensieve before sinking back onto the couch, giving him a wary look.
"Is this going to hurt?"
"Physically? No. Emotionally? I can't say it's going to be easy."
"I understand," she said quietly, folding her hands in her lap. "Well, whatever you need to do…"
Severus moved to the couch, hesitating before he lifted his wand. "Lily?"
"Hmmm?"
"Before we get started, will you do something for me?"
"What's that?"
He paused, taking a deep breath. "Kiss me."
"Kiss you?" she echoed, looking bewildered. "Of course, but… oh, Severus, no… you don't actually think…"
Damn the woman. She knew him too well.
"That I might lose you? Perhaps, though at the very least, I expect you'll be angry for a while."
"I wish you had more faith in me," she said, her voice so sad it brought a lump to his throat.
"I do, Lily. But…"
He trailed off as she took his face between her hands, looking deep in his eyes before her own fluttered closed. Her mouth brushed his, gentle, almost tentative, only a whisper of a touch. But then her lips parted, a soft little tongue demanding entrance. That was granted without hesitation, his mouth opening beneath hers as she kissed him harder, her tongue delving deeper, a ferocity that took him by surprise as she pressed herself against him.
"Wait," he gasped, panting hard as he broke away. "We can't…"
"I'm sorry," she said, though she hardly looked apologetic. Smug was more like it, all flushed cheeks and mischievous eyes. Bloody hell, he wanted to…
"Don't be sorry. It's just…"
"Not the right time?"
He nodded, putting a little more distance between them.
"Well, maybe later then," she said with a smile.
God, he hoped so.
"All right," he said, focusing on his breathing until he felt more composed. And then he lifted his wand, giving her a searching look. "Ready?"
"Yes."
"Legilimens."
It didn't take him long to find what he was looking for. The boy's arrival at Hogwarts, that unfortunate incident on the first day of Potions. The memory was harsher this time, hitting him full force as he penetrated the careful shields that had softened it somewhat. Pure, unadulterated fury, Lily positively seething as she wondered what the hell his problem was. Why would he go out of his way to humiliate her son? What could Harry have possibly done to deserve such treatment?
Maybe he should've stopped there, but then he realized she'd chosen to remain behind when class was dismissed, that she'd been intent on solving the mystery. An odd vantage point… she'd been masquerading as a small insect, latching onto his boot as he'd headed up to Dumbledore's office.
"What is it you find so distasteful about Harry?"
"Everything."
"Everything? From what I understand, the boy has been doing quite well in his other classes. I certainly haven't heard any complaints."
"He's…"
Severus cringed, dreading the words to come. But then he remembered they'd been interrupted that night, whatever vile thing he'd been about to say cut short by a knock on the door. Minerva passing him, pointing out a spider on his shoe. Oh fuck, he knew where this was going… or at least, he thought he did. He saw himself trapping her in a vial, felt her growing fear as he'd carried her down to the dungeons. Into his quarters, where he'd proceeded to strip right in front of her.
Well, at least that wasn't too humiliating. What followed… wanking in the shower? He felt his face turn red, but even as it did, he began to feel her reactions rather than his own. She hadn't been repulsed by the sight. Far from it. Was that… was she admiring him? Interesting… he dwelled on that for a few minutes before realizing there were more important things to worry about.
Still, it was comforting to realize that even at this stage, there'd been positive emotions to balance the negative ones. He hadn't expected that, gentle compassion as she'd picked up on his loneliness, his frustration, thinking of him as "merciful" of all things when he'd removed the stopper from the vial to let her breathe. To him, that had simply been logical… no need to let the creature suffocate. But to her, it had been something much bigger, an incident she'd taken as proof that he'd still had a heart.
Feeling shaken, Severus shuffled to the next memory, a distressing image of Lily being swallowed by a toad. But then she was the toad… a toad who'd spent the rest of the year in Gryffindor Tower. She hadn't witnessed any of his other interactions with the boy, had merely overheard a few conversations here and there as the children had speculated over whether he was the one attempting to murder Potter.
Well, he was innocent of that charge, at least.
Severus lowered his wand to find Lily glaring at him, green eyes blazing with fury.
"You…" she sputtered. "I can't believe you… he was just a child, and you… how could you treat him like that? You humiliated him!"
"I did."
"Why?"
He shrugged, tucking his wand in his sleeve. "Lots of reasons. The boy was just like his father, he…"
"He is not like James! Not in the way you're thinking. Did you ever see him bully anyone, Severus? Play cruel pranks just for the fun of it? Did he ever, even once…"
"Perhaps not," he said, unable to keep the bitterness out of his voice. "But his reckless behavior, the way he flouted the rules at every turn…"
"Oh no," she interrupted, shaking her head emphatically. "Don't even try that. We're talking about his first day. He'd done nothing wrong!"
Severus opened his mouth to defend himself, wanting to point out that the boy hadn't been paying attention, perhaps mention his arrogant demeanor. But after seeing the memory through her eyes, not once but twice now, he could no longer convince himself that his actions had been justified.
"Fine. I was wrong. But Lily…" He trailed off, letting out a heavy sigh. "You can't understand what I was like back then. Believing you were dead, that I was to blame? I hated myself. Hated everyone around me, too. The way that distorted my perception…"
"But why Harry? Why did he get the worst of it?"
"You still don't know?"
She tilted her head to one side, studying him for a long moment. "Well, some of it I can guess. I know he made things hard for you, and… well, there was James, and…"
"It wasn't just that. He…" The words caught in his throat, but he forced himself to continue, recognizing the importance of giving her the truth. "Yes, I saw his father in him. The physical resemblance alone… well, I shouldn't have to explain that one. Do you know what it's like to hate someone, Lily? Truly hate them? Everything that insufferable bastard did to me…"
"I know, Severus. But that wasn't Harry's fault."
"No," he agreed. "But how could I look at him without remembering all that? Years of torment, the loss of you, the horrible choices I made. And yet the worst part… that had nothing to do with the boy's father."
"What was it then?"
"You."
"Me?"
"Yes. Were it not for him, I couldn't help thinking you'd still be alive. As such, his very existence seemed like an insult. Then he started taking all those foolish risks, and it felt like he was spitting on your memory, spitting on the most precious thing I'd ever known. Like he didn't care how much you'd sacrificed, nor how much others had suffered as a result of your death. I despised him for that, I couldn't…"
"Severus…"
"Yes, I saw his father. Every bloody time I looked at him. But more than that, I'd see you lying dead on that floor, and I couldn't help… I couldn't escape it, Lily. I swore to protect him for your sake, but…"
"If it caused you that much pain," she interrupted, her voice quiet. "Why not leave it to someone else?"
He let out a humorless chuckle. "Well, there's the irony. Yes, dealing with the boy was torture. But he was also my only hope of freeing myself from that torment, of finding any peace. I couldn't hope for your forgiveness, but I needed… I was trying to feel worthy of it, to redeem myself somehow. Maybe I've failed in that, but god, Lily, I've tried."
"You haven't failed," she murmured, sliding her hand over his. "I don't have to be Occluded to see how much you've done for him. No, I understand it even better now. You've suffered more than I ever realized, and you still… I can't help feeling like I'm the one who's unworthy of you."
"What? Don't be absurd."
"I'm not. To be that selfless, to love someone so much…"
"I do love you," he said quietly. "I always have. But don't fool yourself into thinking I'm a better person than I am. Yes, I've protected your son, but I also spent years hating him with every fiber of my being. I've said things, done things that you'll find unfair, harsh, even cruel. I can't take those things back, Lily."
"I know that. But what about the future, Severus? What about now?"
"Now?" He frowned.
"Could you learn not to hate him for my sake? Would you be willing to try?"
Severus sighed. "I already told you I don't hate him. Remember when you asked me, the night you forgave me for revealing the prophecy? I wasn't lying. Over the past couple years my feelings have… changed somewhat. Why? I don't know. I think it came down to realizing you were alive, which forced me to question a lot of things I'd come to believe as truth. Now? I'm willing to admit that I've been too hard on the boy at times. I can acknowledge my mistakes. It isn't easy, but…"
"I know." She threaded her fingers through his, giving them a gentle squeeze. "I also know that it wasn't all your fault. There've been plenty of times where he wasn't fair to you either. But as you said, there's no changing the past. I'm just worried what happens from here. How can I be with you if he's going to hate me for it?"
"Lily," Severus said, giving her a stern look. "He's not going to hate you. I'd never allow that."
"You might not have a choice."
"Oh, I believe I do."
"How so?"
"Because I'll do everything I can to make peace with him. Whatever it takes. I'll apologize for every damn thing I've ever said to offend the boy, I'll…" He trailed off, shifting uncomfortably as her lips curved into a joyful smile. Lies. All of it. He hated himself for inspiring such hopes, knowing they'd never come to pass. But were his intentions sincere? That was the real question. If his impending death hadn't been a factor, would he still be willing to make these promises?
Yes. Absolutely. If it meant spending his future with Lily? It would've been a small price to pay. Besides, his feelings toward Potter had changed. Granted, he still couldn't say he was fond of the boy, but many of his worst resentments were hardly a factor these days. Blaming him for Lily's death? Lily was sitting right here beside him. Associating him with his father? Well, that was more complicated, but she did have a point… he wasn't quite the bully his father had been. Still arrogant, perhaps, but Severus could've learned to tolerate that.
"Do you mean it?" Lily said, interrupting his thoughts.
"Of course I do. I'd be glad to put the past behind us."
"Me too. I hope we can."
"We will," he said, lifting their joined hands to kiss her fingers.
Lily knew it wasn't over, that they still had five years of memories to sort through. But somehow, she also realized that the worst was behind them. The way Severus had acknowledged his mistakes, his willingness to make amends? That was the best possible outcome, so much more than she'd allowed herself to hope for. Everything else could be resolved with time.
"Are we all right?" he said after a moment, his voice subdued. "Perhaps it's too soon to ask, but…"
In response, she slid her hands into his hair, drawing his head down to meet hers. She kissed him then, gentle but fierce, pulling back to stare deeply in his eyes. They were dark and hooded, relief giving way to the first flickers of desire as she started to unbutton his frock coat.
"Still the wrong time?" she murmured, caressing his growing erection through the fabric of his trousers. "If you want me to stop…"
He let out a shaky breath. "Certainly not."
"Good."
Moving to straddle him, she pushed the coat off his shoulders, fumbling with a row of smaller buttons until she managed to remove his shirt as well. He tossed them both aside, groaning softly as her hands slid across his bare chest, over his shoulders and up to his neck. Brushing his hair back, she touched her lips to his pale skin, trailing kisses along the side of his throat. Only then did she understand his intention, his head falling back against the couch as he sighed in surrender. He was relinquishing control, content to let her have her way with him.
An intriguing thought, to say the least, though she hardly knew where to start. James had always been the one to take charge of their encounters, and after the first few times with Severus, she'd begun to assume he was the same way. But no… his demeanor was completely passive now, no movement whatsoever aside from the hands that stroked her back without a trace of urgency.
"What do you want me to do?" she asked him, feeling a little awkward.
"Whatever you wish. I'm all yours."
And then awkwardness melted into intense, heady arousal as she rocked her hips against his, her tongue tracing the contours of his ear as she whispered, "Mine?"
"God, Lily. Yes."
Smiling to herself, she found his lips again, her kisses slow and deep as she reached down to unfasten his trousers. His erection sprang free, prodding at her insistently through her layers of clothing, but she wasn't ready for that. Not yet. She slid off his lap instead, pulling his trousers off and tossing them aside. And then she rose to her feet, giving him a devilish look that made him growl in response as she reached for the hem of her nightgown.
She stood in front of him in nothing but her underwear, blushing faintly as he scrutinized her from head to toe. His breath was coming faster now, his eyes burning with unmistakable hunger as they fixed on her breasts. A flash of inspiration and she slid her hands up to caress them, moaning softly as she lifted and squeezed, thumbs dancing across her taut nipples.
"Fuck," he muttered, and for a second, she thought he was going to reach out and grab her. But he managed to restrain himself, fingers digging into his thighs instead.
Taking pity on him, she knelt as his feet, leaning forward to kiss his chest. She'd barely noticed that his erection had slid into the valley between her breasts, but then his hips began to move, quiet pants giving way to a shuddering groan as she brought her arms to her sides to give him more friction.
Well, this was something new. Definitely a trick she'd have to try again sometime, perhaps even see if she could finish him off that way. But for now, she had other ideas.
She pulled back, making him grunt at the loss of contact. But that was soon replaced by a sharp gasp as she ran her tongue along the length of his erection, lifting her eyes to meet his as she took him fully into her mouth. He let out a curse, harsh, almost guttural, in strange contrast to the hand that dropped down to stroke her hair. The taste of him was warm and masculine, arousing her beyond belief as she dipped her head, taking him as deep as she could manage. She set a slow, sensuous pace at first, until she began to feel his urgency, his harsh panting growing louder by the second as his head hit the back of the couch with a soft thud.
In response, she picked up speed, increasing the pressure of her mouth, his hands clenching in her hair almost painfully as his thighs started to tremble.
"Enough," he rasped out, his voice hoarse and desperate. "I'm about to…"
Part of her wanted to tell him to go ahead, ready to assure him that her pleasure could wait. But he'd already withdrawn from her mouth, staring intently at her underwear as she rose to her feet.
She might be the one in control, but the command in his eyes was unmistakable, one she obeyed without question as she hurried to rid herself of the offending garment. And then she was on his lap again, kissing him fiercely, reaching down to make a quick adjustment before taking him into herself an inch at a time. Slowly, she began to move, rocking her hips back and forth almost leisurely as he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her flush against his chest.
The urgency was gone, which seemed strange at first, until she recognized the intimacy of their position. Holding each other close, faces mere inches apart as she gazed into his eyes… she'd never felt such a deep connection, right down to the heart that thudded against her chest, beating in perfect time with her own. Clearly, Severus had noticed it too, his tension seeming to melt away as he stroked her back with gentle fingers.
"Mine?" she whispered, recalling her earlier question.
He exhaled sharply, pressing his forehead against hers. "Always."
Only then did she increase the friction, no longer able to ignore her growing desire. The feeling of him inside her, stretching her, filling her completely… suddenly, she couldn't get enough, lifting her hips and plunging them down as Severus groaned in encouragement. His hands closed around her waist, sweat beading his forehead as he began to move with her, thrusting harder and harder until she couldn't take it anymore. She lost control in the exact moment that he did, her helpless whimper mingling with a harsh cry as their bodies shuddered together.
"God," she muttered after a few minutes, having finally regained the ability to speak. "What was that?"
"I have no idea."
He was still inside her, his arms holding her close, head resting on her shoulder. She laid her cheek against his hair, closing her eyes as she focused on the lingering sensations. The sound of his breathing, his slick skin pressed against hers… the spicy smell of his soap and clean male sweat, the pleasant tenderness between her legs. But then she felt something else, lifting her head to stare at him in dismay.
"The bloody charm. Damn it, we didn't…"
"It's all right," he said, his voice calm. "It doesn't matter."
"You'll make me a potion then?"
Technically, she didn't need it. She still had a couple doses left of the potion she'd swiped from the Hospital Wing. But she'd already decided it should only be used as a last resort. Besides, she didn't want to make Severus suspicious. A single incident was one thing, but if she kept reassuring him there was no need to worry about contraception, he might think… god, it would seem like she was trying to get pregnant on the sly.
"If you insist, but… well, perhaps we shouldn't use either."
Lily frowned, staring at him in bewilderment. "That would be taking a huge risk. You know what could happen… what probably would happen at the rate we're going."
To her surprise, he chuckled, leaning back to study her face. "A Gryffindor lecturing a Slytherin about taking risks? As if I'd ever make such a suggestion without being fully aware of the consequences."
"You're not saying… you can't be…"
"That I'd like for us to have a child? Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying."
