Iiiiiit's Vegas Baby! And you know what that means!...
Well, you know...stuff...
Oh just read on, you'll see!
And the last chapter is brought to you by William Gibson, author of Neuromancer. I've been looking at the rest of his body of work, and a good portion of it is Sci-Fi. If you're into Sci-Fi, I doubt it would hurt to give him a look.
And now, Ladies and Germs, on with the crack!
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Ah, Vegas... The City of Lights, an epicenter of culture...or was that Paris? Ah doesn't matter, the only thing we really need to know is that that's where the KPD was spending a well earned vacation. (Not that they really did anything anyways...)
"Bring on the showgirls!" Ikkaku announced as they walked into their hotel. "I'mma ready to score!"
"I almost hate to break it to you Chrome Dome," Tatsuki said, rolling her eyes, "but I highly doubt any of them are even remotely in your league. Besides, this isn't that kind of hotel."
They were all staying in a Motel 7.
"It sure was nithe or your fwiend to give us tickets to Las Vegas Tatsuki," Nel said, lugging about fifty pounds of luggage behind her like it was no big deal.
Which it wasn't.
"How the crap could a four year old have that much luggage?" Kiyone wondered, flabbergasted. "Let alone carry it?"
"I can't wait to hit the Roulette tables," Matsumoto said cheerfully, then pulled a 180 and sighed, slumping her shoulders, "though I'm going to miss hitting the bars..."
"Maybe you could come see Siegfried & Roy with Ichigo and I instead," Rukia suggested.
"That sounds fun and all," Yumichika said dismissively, "but my cricket and I are going to spend the entire trip in a spa."
"We never said you could join us, Feather Face," Ichigo snapped. (Candidly, he wasn't really to keen on Matsumoto coming either; it was supposed to be just him and Rukia.) "And why'd you bring your cricket along anyways?"
"Because shut up," he said snootily, upturning his nose and huffing on his merry way.
They could hear his cricket chirp as it's owner walked away.
"I'm just glad we got here safely," Isane said, breathing a sigh of relief, "I wasn't sure how much longer our van would last."
Did I mention that took their piece of [censor] van to Vegas with them?
"I was a bit worried when the cooling fan started to mutate," Renji said offhandedly, "but thankfully it once again proved that there's nothing that a good 9mm can't fix!" He twirled his gun for a second before putting it back in it's holster.
"Personally," Rukia said, "I was more worried when Nel's booster seat tried to eat her."
"This is what happens when you buy the cheapest model," Tatsuki sighed, shaking her head. "One of these day you people will end up listening to me..."
"Hello there!~" a cute girl at the desk said, "Welcome to Motel 7; do you have reservations?~"
"Yes," Ichigo said, taking the role of spokesperson for the group, "they should be under KPD?"
"Um...Ah yes, right here!~" She made a note in the ledger and took out nine card keys, handing them to the fiery haired cop, "Please enjoy your stay!~"
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
"This place sucks ass," Tatsuki said, surveying the temporary living arrangements of the female cops.
And suck ass it did; even before their eyes had taken anything in, the smell that impacted them as they opened the door was, well...let's just say that it made certain landfills seem like preferable alternatives.
"It smells like something died in here!" Kiyone remarked. Then she looked down and saw the chalk outline on the floor.
"Are you sure it isn't that steaming pile of crap where the bed's supposed to be?" Tatsuki asked.
"Um," Isane interjected hesitantly, "I think that steaming pile of crap is the bed..."
"Man I wish I could still drink right now..." Matsumoto sighed, snapping her fingers.
"Well," Nel said, "at least de guys can't be much worwse."
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"Where's the room?" Ikkaku asked, looking into the empty space where the hotel room should be.
"I knew I should have booked through Travelocity..." Ichigo moaned.
"I sure hope Micheal Jackson is having fun," Renji growled sarcastically.
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
Yumichika was currently sitting in a mud bath with a face mask and those little cucumber things on his eyes.
"Maybe after the hazmat team clears everything up I can put one of these in the upstairs bathroom," he pondered, letting himself sink a little further into the soothing goop.
"Sir," one of the female attendants said, "would you like to try our hotsprings? They're very well renowned and are said to be very helpful in clearing chi."
"Mmmm..." Yumichika sighed, "you had me at 'sir'..."
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After everyone commandeered a different room for their respective groups (on the excuse that they were using them for a stakeout) they all headed over to the casino next door.
"I can't wait to hit the slot machines," Kiyone cheered, "They're my best game!"
"I'm heading straight for the Gentleman's Club," Ikkaku announced, heading off purposefully to wherever the adult entertainment was located.
"How long do you think before he gets kicked out?" Renji asked.
"Knowing Ikkaku I'd say five minutes," Isane guessed.
"That boy isn't even going to last five seconds," Tatsuki corrected. "And even if he does get in he's so fugly that no one will want to get close to give him a lap dance, let alone talk to him."
This is true. (Remember the glasses thing?)
"Whatever," Ichigo said dismissively, "Rukia and I are off to see some guys about a pair of tigers- Rukia, what is it?"
"Did anyone see where Nel went?"
…
…
…
Craaaaaap!
Isane started bugging out about it.
"Oh no, she's lost! I mean, she was just here a minute ago... Oooh, there are so many things that could happen to a young girl in a large crowd like this; she could get lost, or trampled, she could fall into a fountain and drown, or get her arm torn off in a Roulette wheel, or skewered on one of the performer's costumes, or-"
"All right people, place or bets!" Nel called, having set up a little table and holding a shell game on it. "Remember to keep your eye on the birdie," she said, "because you'll never know where it'll end up!"
"Nelliel tu Odelshvank!" the medic of the KPD gasped indignantly, "No starting a gambling racket in a casino!"
"Aw come on Isane-chan!" Nel protested, collecting her spoils, "I was just shtarting ta make a pwofit!"
"No excuses," she said, snatching the money from the young girl's hand. "This is going straight into your college fund."
"Geez..." Nel pouted, puffing her cheeks out, "a girl tries to make a buck..."
"Hey Rukia," Matsumoto said, "can we get going now? We've had enough distractions and I want to see the- Ooh, a drink fountain!" She squealed and ran towards a fountain that was shooting a clear liquid in a mushroom shape.
"Hang on a sec Rangiku," Renji called after her, "that's-"
Just as Matsumoto scooped up a glass of the liquid her implant activated and shocked the living hell out of her.
Which caused her to fall into the fountain.
Which made an even larger storm of arcing electricity around the fountain.
The fountain was filled with vodka.
No one else noticed by the way.
"We brought Phoenix Downs with us, right?" asked Tatsuki as she stared at the spectacle.
"I think they're back in New Room #2," Renji said.
"It's all right..." Matsumoto choked out once the lightning stopped crackling, "I think the implant shorted out- Which means...I CAN DRINK AGAIN!" She immediately grabbed a glass and started dumping the stuff down her throat.
"Well that lasted longer than I thought it would..." Rukia murmured.
"Is she done already?" Ichigo wondered. Matsumoto had currently drained the entire fountain and was leaning over the side of the base, hiccuping to her heart's content.
"I think it's time to reinstate the lock on the booze cabinet," Tatsuki said.
"*hic!*" Matsumoto hiccuped.
"I'll see to the eki-kyabe stores when we get back..." Isane said, looking around the floor. "Has anyone seen my sister?"
"Didn't she say she'd be over by the slot machine," Renji reminded the nervous medic.
Over by the slot machines Kiyone was hunched over one of the cabinets, willing it to give her the winning three slots.
Bar-bar-bar.
"DAMMIT!"
"No luck?" Ichigo asked, he and Rukia walking up to the towheaded cop.
"Don't worry," she said pulled the lever again, her eye twitching a little bit, "I have a feeling my luck is about to change."
Bar-bar-bar.
"DAMMIT!"
Bar-bar-bar.
"DAMMIT!"
Bar-bar-bar.
"DAMMIT!"
"Um, Kiyone?" Rukia said hesitantly, "Maybe you should take a break now-"
"I CAN DO THIS!" she screamed, starting to foam at the mouth.
Seven...
"Yes...!"
Seven...
"YES...!"
And finally...
"Come on baby, sevens all the way!"
…
…
…
Bar.
"WHAT?" Kiyone exploded. Then the slot machine spun the slots one more time.
Damn!-you-suck.
"[censor]DAMMIT THIS [censor] PIECE OF [censor] [censor] WITH A [censor] GARDEN HOE [censor] PIECE OF [censor] [censor] [censor] MONKEY [censor] [censor] ON A [censor]ING TUNA SANDWICH!"
Kiyone wasn't really taking it well.
Rukia and Ichigo backed up about twenty feet.
"OK, time to leave," Tatsuki said, grabbing the now rabid policewoman and dragging her out the front door. "You guys grab Matsumoto and Pachinko Ball, then we'll swing by and pick Yumi-kun up from his spa session."
"Speaking of which," Rukia said, "what happened to Ikkaku anyways?"
No sooner had her question been answered than Ikkaku trudged back over to his friends, looking more miserable than a puppy with an empty food bowl.
Or Hanatarou when he realizes that it wasn't all a dream.
"The club not that good?" Renji asked him.
"I didn't even make it in the front door..." he moaned.
"Yes! I just earned twenty bucks!" Tatsuki pumped her fist before holding her hand out to collect her spoils.
"I've got Matsumoto," Isane announced, dragging the newly inebriated large chested policewomen.
"Man, Big Boobies needs ta lay off on the heavy shtuff," Nel grunted, bringing up Matsumoto's legs.
"And yet she can carry crap loads of luggage," Renji said, disbelieving.
"I propose that we never take a group vacation again," Ichigo said, raising his hand high. Everyone else present did likewise.
Including the other highrollers.
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"I don't know what you guys are complaining about," Yumichika said once they all arrived back at the station, "I had the time of my life."
"Yeah, that's because all you had to do was sit around and have people wait on you hand and foot," Kiyone retorted, huffing. "The rest of us weren't so lucky..."
"No, that was just you," Ikkaku pointed out. "That and you flipped out and tried to strangle a slot machine.
"Oh please," Kiyone scoffed, "I was trying to choke it, not strangle it."
Yumichika's cricket chirped.
"I didn't like it one bit!" Nel announced, "Dere wasn't anyting dere for kids to do, and when I twied to make my own entorwtainment it gets taken away fwom me too!"
"That's because children your age shouldn't be gambling like that," Isane lectured. "For that matter children shouldn't be gambling at all!"
"I'm glad I can drink again!" Matsumoto said, chugging down a can o' brusky.
"You're not gonna go overboard like before," Rukia asked, "are you?"
"Oh don't worry," Matsumoto said, waving dismissively, "I'm not going to turn unto a whino again; I forgot how good thinking felt!"
"Good to hear," Tatsuki patted her friend on her the back, "now the rest of us can finally lay back a pint or two."
"We didn't even get to see Siegfried & Roy!" Ichigo exclaimed, "And those tickets were non-refundable!"
"I don't mind too much," Rukia said, hugging his arm, "snuggling on the ride back was more than enough to make up for it." Ichigo smile down at her and kissed the top of her head.
"I love you," he said.
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And on that happy note we end the chapter. I hope you all enjoyed the- Hey, who are you? And what are you doing the that ax...oh. Now h-hang on a sec, I'm sure we can work something out- AAAHHH!-
*footage missing*
Sorry about that, *says while holding a bloody ax*, but that isn't really the end of the story; there's still a little bit more...
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"Would you guys just get a room already?" Renji exasperated. "What are you, five?"
"Hey I wesent dat!" Nel exclaimed indignantly.
"You're only four," Kiyone pointed out flatly.
"Same dif'wence..." she said, her voice sounding small. (No pun intended; those are to use on Rukia.)
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And that, is the real ending. Oh come on, this is a humor story! You didn't think I'd end it on a sappy note, did you?
On another note, I have another special coming up soon and I need all your help to make it possible. It's going to be a sort of "ask the characters" special, and the victims- I MEAN the willing participants will be...Loly and Menoly, the lesbian hooker Espada! So starting now and for the next couple chapters send in any questions you can think of to those girls; the sky's the limit, and the more inane the question the better! (Just keep it relatively kiddy friendly please.)
