Chapter 54 Trying to Do What's Best

A/N1: Thanks again to MaraudersWolf for betaing.

A/N2: In case you've forgotten what happened last, since it has been a while between updates, Remus told Lindi, "I don't think we should see each other anymore." :(


There…He'd said it—and somehow managed to keep the bile down. Of course, the look of devastation on her face made it rise in his throat again.

"Wwhat?" The word came out as barely a whisper.

Please don't make me say it again, he pleaded silently.

Her face went pale and she started slowly shaking her head. "You don't mean that."

Come on Remus…. "I do," he managed to choke out the words.

"Why?" she asked, numbly.

Hard as it had been to say those cruel words, now came the part he wasn't sure he could manage. This would be the truest test of his courage—and ability to lie. He could hardly believe he was doing this after promising her—and himself—that he was finally going to tell her the truth.

You've been lying to her for months; surely you can do it one more time, he thought bitterly.

Oh, how he hated this!

But he would do it, for her.

"I . . ." his voice caught in his throat. Her eyes were now red and swimming in shimmering tears. He felt his own starting to burn. He blinked, hoping to sooth the fire, and stared over her head so he wouldn't have to look at her. Her tears would be contagious and he couldn't have that. How would she believe him if he broke down?

Come on, Remus. Man up!

He took a deep breath. "I think it would be best."

She stared, looking wounded, as she assimilated his words.

"It would be best? Best for whom?" she asked, voice quivering. "It's not best for me!"

Her words gave him strength, for he knew that it was best for her, even if she might never know just why. Still, he could not look her in the eye.

"You don't think so, now, Lindi, but it is."

"How? How is it best for me?" she cried. "I love you!"

The strength she had given him a moment before was stripped away by those three glorious and horrible words.

Come on, Remus, remember why you're doing this—think….He shook his head slowly. "No, you think you do, but…"

"Don't tell me what I think," she said. Her voice took on an uncharacteristic steely edge. "I know how I feel!"

Remus turned and walked a few feet away, giving himself time to churn up more strength. "Yes, but—but you're young. We both are." He stopped and risked a glance at her. She was staring at him, mouth slightly open, eyes glistening as a tear rolled down her cheek—so beautiful. He looked away and began pacing once more. "You were right when you said it was all happening too soon—that you should date loads of boys." The words chaffed, the idea repulsive to him.

"When did I say that? I never said I wanted to date loads of boys."

"That night we talked, when we decided to start seeing each other," he said, remembering how wonderfully that night had ended. After weeks of confusion and miscommunications, they had told each other how they really felt. She had cried then, too, but it had been a happy ending. This would not be.

Tell her the truth now, Remus.

But he knew he couldn't. "You said it was too soon, that we were too good as friends, remember?" he said.

"Yes, and I remember that you told me it was worth the risk because you really liked me. You thought we were so good together."

He risked another glance and saw that her jaw was clenched. A hardness was settling on her usually soft, gentle face.

"I know, but…" He swallowed, forcing himself to continue with the words he'd practiced in his head all day. "You were right. We shouldn't have let things go so far—get so serious so quickly. It all happened too fast."

"You didn't seem to think things were going too far fast enough the other night," she said, sounding like he'd never heard her before, icy and dangerous.

It made him feel sick, but not nearly as sick as the look he saw in her eyes when he finally met them. He hadn't believed it was possible for those warm brown eyes to be filled with such cold anger.

"That's what this is about, isn't it?" she asked, her voice shaking. "It's not best for me. I'm not the one who wants to date loads of other people. Stop lying, Remus! This is about you! What you want!"

Remus stood frozen, unable to respond. He should have seen this coming, but he'd been so preoccupied with his own feelings, so worried about what he would say, how he would feel, that he'd somehow missed it.

How could you have missed it? When she as much as asked you this morning? She asked about another woman….You idiot!

But it occurred to him that this turn could be quite useful, so he didn't argue.

"I can't believe it," she said, voice falling flat again, and lifeless. "I knew it. You've been avoiding me ever since." She struggled against the tears, and her voice grew ragged. "I knew you were angry—but I didn't want to believe you'd do something like this." She looked into his eyes, begging him to argue.

Tell her, you fool!

But he didn't.

Her breathing became fast and shallow, as if she were starting to hyperventilate. "Oh, my gosh. I can't believe it." She seemed to be growing a little hysterical. "Oh . . . my . . . gosh. No…You said—I thought—Oh no, nooo!" her voice broke and the tears spilled from her eyes. "Darlene was right! You—you just wanted—you only cared about—you were just using me!"

"No!" he said without thinking. He couldn't stand for her to think that. She would hate him.

Isn't that what's best? The words crept out of his subconscious.

No! This is all wrong! Tell her the truth!

But that was his heart talking. His brain reminded him of the paper in his pocket.

Let her hate you.

He fell silent again.

"Then why are you doing this?" she cried.

Because I love you! every fiber of his being screamed. But that wasn't what he actually said. Completely overcome and unable to think properly, he sputtered lamely, "I—I just think it would be best—"

"STOP SAYING THAT! " Her nostrils flared and her hands were clenched in white knuckled fists. "Unless you mean it's best for YOU!" She unclenched her hand long enough to point a quivering finger at him. "Admit it! You just want—I wouldn't let you—" Her jaw trembled violently. "Ooooo!" Her face screwed up in anguish before she covered it with her hands. Her shoulders shook as she wept.

Remus would have given everything he had to make things different, to take it all back and tell her the truth. It took all his strength to stand there watching her crumble, when all he wanted was to take her in his arms and tell her everything would be all right.

But it won't. This is the way it has to be. She'll get over this. She IS young. And she'll have loads of blokes helping her. This way will make it easier for her.

But it was killing Remus. The thought of her hating him, of her turning to another man for comfort… He needed to get out of here, before he lost his resolve and control of his own tears.

"I'm sorry," he said, voice terribly unsteady. "I never meant to hurt you."

The look she gave him could have turned him to stone, filled as it was with such hostility he could hardly recognize her. "Well, you have!" she spat. "I guess you just couldn't help yourself! It's just like Mum said! You—you're just like—I trusted you! I let you—you—GET OUT!"

Remus was stunned by her response. He was almost afraid to leave her alone. He hadn't thought it possible for his Lindi, gentle and tenderhearted as she was, to be so livid.

She thinks you used her—or only wanted to use her—for sex…how do you expect her to feel? How do you feel about how Sirius used you just for revenge? Don't be a bloody hypocrite! You're lucky she isn't hexing you!

"GET OUT!" she shouted again.

"Will you be all right?" he asked instinctively.

She glared at him as if he'd gone insane. It was obviously an inappropriate question.

"GET! OUT!" she shrieked, looking unhinged, and actually pulled her wand. Red sparks sputtered from the end of it. He needed to leave before she did something they both would regret. Granted, she would probably only regret it for the trouble she would be in, but he didn't want to cause her any more.

Completely numb, he made it to the door. His hand froze on the knob. It isn't too late to tell her the truth.

He thought she might actually be more likely to accept the truth now,—even the fact that he was a werewolf— since she might not think even that as terrible as the lie he'd just told her. Maybe she'd actually be relieved to learn why he was trying to protect her.

Trying to protect her….He slipped his free hand into the pocket of his robes and felt the folded paper hidden there. Through sheer force of will, he pulled the door open and walked out, not allowing a backward glance. With leaden feet, he shuffled up the corridor a few paces and leant against the cold stone wall, feeling like he might collapse to the floor if not for the rough support.

He was jolted with a rush of adrenaline when he heard a crash coming from the open door. Rushing back, he stopped abruptly. Lindi was blasting the stacked chairs, sending them crashing to the ground. Five down and she seemed to lose her desire,or strength to attack anymore. The wand slid from her hand, landing with a clatter and she crumpled to the floor, letting out a sorrowful moan, and then buried her face in her hands, sobbing.

Only then did the full weight of what he had done hit him, how much he had hurt her. That he could elicit such an enormous response…

He never would have believed someone could care for him that much.

And it was over…

He staggered away from the door before she could see him and get riled up again. His subconscious alone led him out of the dungeons, for he couldn't think. Wouldn't think….

Occlumencypractice Occlumency

It got him through the corridors, though he had no idea how many people he ignored.

"Oy, Moony," someone called urgently, jarring him back to reality. He turned and saw that it was Peter, running along out of breath. "Come on; you're going to be late for detention. Padfoot and Prongs are already at Dumbledore's office and McGonagall is waiting for you to let you in."

Oh, bloody crap! He had almost forgotten. How was he supposed to sit through detention? And with Sirius….Craaap! He hoped it would be a very strenuous, very distracting one. Something highly dangerous might be good….

Peter walked with him. "Don't you have detention?" Remus asked, thankful for a minor diversion from his thoughts.

"No," Peter answered, sounding relieved. "I never actually left the castle. Sirius told me to wait for him, and he…well, you know."

"Yes, I know." He could hear the bitterness in his own voice and Peter fell silent. "Did you know he was going to do it, Peter?" Remus asked.

"No, I swear, Remus," Peter answered. "I didn't find out until we were in Dumbledore's office—afterwards."

Dumbledore must have believed Peter. Otherwise, Peter would surely have been punished, so Remus was willing and very glad to accept Peter's word. He needed some small bit of good news.

At least James and Peter had not betrayed him. At least he still had the two of them.


Professor McGonagall stood by the stone gargoyle outside the headmaster's office and informed Remus of the password,marzipan, but she did not follow him up.

He was shocked to find Severus Snape waiting in the headmaster's office with James and Sirius, though when he thought about it, it wasn't that surprising. Severus had been out of bounds, too.

While it made sense, it still came as a shock to see him there, and for a horrifying instant, Remus imagined sitting in a room polishing flatware with the angry Slytherin sitting across the table. Thankfully, Professor Dumbledore interrupted the nightmare and called him in to join the others in front of his desk. He immediately informed them of their mercifully separate detentions.

James was assigned to the gamekeeper, Hagrid; Severus Snape to the groundskeeper, Filch; Remus was to stay with Professor Dumbledore and strangely enough, Sirius was assigned duty with Madam Pince in the library. Remus would have expected Sirius to get the more gruesome of duties, but the library?

Perhaps Dumbledore thought the quiet and boredom would be torturous for Sirius. Remus had long since stopped trying to figure the headmaster out. He could only trust that Professor Dumbledore knew what he was doing. He always seemed to, at any rate.

Regardless, where Remus' 'detention was concerned, Professor Dumbledore had been very generous. With the exception of the beautiful Phoenix perched behind Professor Dumbledore's desk, Remus was left in the headmaster's office alone. The portraits hanging on the wall were vacant, and Remus wondered if their occupants had been asked to leave. All Remus cared about was that he needn't worry about someone watching him, in case he became emotional over the breakup with Lindi.

But he tried mightily not to think of it, instead focusing on his task, which was to polish a very interesting set of silver instruments. They hardly needed polishing and he was actually allowed to use magic. Clearly, he was not being punished. Under other circumstances, he might have even enjoyed the detention.

But how could he enjoy anything, knowing Lindi was likely still in the dungeons, crying…heartbroken.

A lump formed in his throat, threatening to choke him. Fight it as he did, his eyes grew moist. If not for the fear of someone walking in on him blubbering, he would have relished a total emotional release, but he couldn't bear to let Dumbledore see him that way. He was a man, after all, and of age. He blinked back the tears.

Unfortunately, that only seemed to squeeze a few out between his eyelids and he felt them run down his face in a warm stream.

Get hold of yourself, Remus. But he felt his control slipping away. So much had happened. He was so tired….

He sensed the floodgates of his emotions crumbling; his eyes blurred making it impossible to see the tiny nooks and crannies of the small instrument in his hand. He started to set it down, lest he drop and break it, but suddenly, a strangely soothing, peaceful sound filled the room, comforting, enveloping him in warmth.

The Phoenix was singing.


As Remus left the headmaster's office, he wished he could take Fawkes with him, but he knew that somehow he was going to have to get through this on his own. His best strategy seemed to be reminding himself why things had to be this way.

It worked long enough for him to return to his room, which he found empty. His detention obviously hadn't lasted as long as the others, and Peter must have gone to the library or something. Remus checked his watch for the first time all night and found there was time for him to go over the work he'd missed the last few days.

He retrieved his books, but it was futile. By the time his friends returned, he had been staring at the same instructions for the Protean Charm for what must have been forty-five minutes. Remus had the feeling they were trying very hard not to ask him about his talk with Lindi. He hardly believed they had forgotten it, but after a brief mention of their respective detentions, and Peter had updated them on his Divination study group, all of which Remus hardly heard, they all began preparing for bed.

Remus was functioning with the awareness of a zombie, somehow managing to collect his bath kit and tend to the rest of his nightly routine without even thinking. When he finally returned to the room after washing up and started to get into bed, James asked tentatively, "Moony, are you alright, mate?"

Out of habit, he almost answered, "Yes, I'm fine." But he figured he had to tell them sooner or later, and he might as well get it over with. He didn't want anything else hanging over him and making him more miserable than he already was.

"No," he said. "Not really." He paused in the middle of turning the duvet down and collected his thoughts.

"Is it Lindi?" asked Peter hesitantly.

Feeling that blasted lump forming in his throat again, he nodded, not trusting his voice to speak.

"She dumped you," said Sirius, speaking to him for the first time since their discussion. His tone was accusatory and it caused Remus' hackles to rise immediately.

"Don't!" he said harshly, spinning round toward Sirius. "Don't you dare say anything against her!"

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw James and Peter glancing warily at each other. Whether they thought he was going to start fighting with Sirius again, or they were trying to figure out what had happened with Lindi, he couldn't tell. It was probably a bit of both, so he decided to set the record straight and be done with it.

"I broke up with her."

"What?" gasped Peter, stunned.

"Why?" asked James, equally amazed.

Sirius was unreadable and said nothing, for which Remus was grateful.

"Please don't ask me to talk about it," Remus said. He fished the now crumpled paper from the robes lying across the foot of his bed and tossed it to James.

"What's this?" James asked. Peter and Sirius crowded onto James' bed and looked over his shoulder.

"Haven't you seen it?" Remus asked, knowing that they had started paying closer attention to the paper, in light of the ever increasing problems with the mad man, Voldemort, and his Death Eaters.

"I've only skimmed the headlines for Death Eater stuff the last couple days, but I don't remember anything particularly interesting," James answered. "What's in here?"

"Just read it. Bottom of the front page," Remus answered, sitting heavily on his bed.

James read the title of the article. "Punished for Love—Or was it Rebellion?" He looked up to confirm he'd found the right one. Remus nodded and his three friends looked at one another curiously before James started to read.

"When Deirdre Meadows, of Garstang—"

"Hey, I remember her," Peter interrupted. "She left year before last, remember? She was in Hufflepuff."

"Right," said Sirius. "Bit of an odd bird…wore her hair all spiked up."

"Yeah," said Peter. "What happened to her?"

"Well, if you two will let me finish, maybe we can find out," said James. "Anyway… When Deirdre Meadows, of Garstang, failed to return from her date two nights ago, her mother, Lilith, feared for the worst.

She very nearly got it.

Deirdre, 20, was found this morning, on the outskirts of town, barely conscious, locked in a Full Body Bind and attached to a bridge support with a nearly unbreakable attachment charm. She had been Stinksapped and feathered, and left in the cold all night."

Peter whistled. "Wow, I remember reading about that happening to people back during Grindlewald's time, in History of Magic. Didn't they do that to people who mixed with Muggles?"

"Yeah," said Sirius. "But I think it's been going on all along. I remember when Andromeda started dating Ted, Mum said she'd end up getting herself sapped and feathered if she didn't stop seeing him. Dear old Mum also thought she deserved it."

"What does this all have to do with you and Lindi, Remus?" asked Peter.

"Can't you figure it out?" Remus asked wearily.

James looked up from the copy of the Prophet. "She was dating a werewolf," he said matter-of-factly. "Here, listen…

According to a source with the Magical Law Enforcement Squad, speaking on condition of anonymity, Lilith Meadows waited to report her daughter missing more than a day, because she thought Deirdre might have eloped with her boyfriend, Tristan Knight, 24. Deirdre had been seeing Knight, a werewolf living in the Birmingham werewolf colony, only a little under a month, but Mrs. Meadows said her daughter was quite impetuous and always looking to give a shock. However, the shock came when Knight turned up looking for Deirdre yesterday morning. He had been hexed nearly to death and according to him, even subjected to the Cruciatus Curse."

"Blimey!" gasped Peter. Sirius elbowed him into silence and James continued.

"He claims to have been attacked by Death Eaters for mingling with a normal witch. According to eye witnesses, a sign left on Deirdre would seem to substantiate Knight's claims. The word 'contaminated' had been cursed onto her forehead. No official confirmation is forthcoming, but an anonymous tip from an employee of St Mungo's has confirmed the claim and informs this reporter that they have yet to figure out a counter-curse to remove it.

The attack on the couple does not come as a shock to many of Deirdre's family and friends. Shortly after Deirdre and Knight began dating, Deirdre's flat, which she shares with her cousin, Dorcas Meadows, 23, was vandalized. 'No werewolf lovers wanted,' 'Wizard traitor,' and other epithets and warnings had been transfigured across the walls. Dorcas Meadows, who happens to be a reporter for the Daily Prophet, was abroad on personal business at the time of the attack on her cousin and has only just returned upon hearing of it. When asked if she was surprised that Deirdre had not heeded the earlier warnings she said, "Deirdre has always done what Deirdre wants to do. Telling her she can't will only make her more determined. It's a flaw that I often love in my cousin, particularly when she's doing the right thing. Of course, it does make me worry at times."

But the 'flaw' is not loved by everyone.

"Deirdre has always been stubborn as a troll," said her cousin, Milton Avery, 22. "And she does bl***y stupid things just to brass off her dad. Why, as soon as she got her license to Apparate, she started going down to some weirdo Muggle pub on King's Road….Cut off all her hair and started dressing like a—what'd she call them? A Muggle punk or some such nonsense. First off, who'd let you call 'em a punk? No one with an ounce of self respect, that's who, but Deirdre knew it drove her old man barmy; she even dated a couple of them. Uncle Charles finally threw her out of the house. Frankly, I don't know what took him so long." Charles Meadows had no comment on the attack on his daughter. According to Dorcas Meadows, Deirdre was disowned by her father two years ago, confirming the story from Milton Avery above.

"If you ask me, she was asking for it," said an acquaintance who wished to remain anonymous. "A nice pure-blood witch shouldn't be mixing up with half breeds."

Who is responsible for the attack? For now, there is only speculation. Some believe it was Death Eaters, as they are on the record being opposed to purebloods mixing with non-purebloods, much less half-breed werewolves.

However, as pointed out by Dorcas Meadows, there is evidence suggesting that some werewolves might actually be working for He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. (Meadows will be exploring this in an upcoming edition of The Daily Prophet.) But if this is so, it begs the question, would his Death Eaters risk alienating the werewolf community with such acts of prejudice as those perpetrated on Deirdre Meadows? Perhaps it is as others believe and it was members of her own family and friends, making her pay for humiliating them. Or perhaps it is both. There have been anonymous tips suggesting that Charles Meadows and other family members are involved with the Death Eaters themselves.

Will Chambers, of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement and member of the Werewolf Capture Unit—"

"Hold on. Isn't that Lindi's cousin?" Sirius interrupted this time.

Remus nodded.

"That's a nice added complication," Sirius said.

But Remus said nothing. He wasn't in the mood to make conversation at all, much less with Sirius.

"What's it say about him?" Peter asked.

James started reading again. "Will Chambers of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement and member of the Werewolf Capture Unit is part of the team working on the investigation and will only say that the investigation is ongoing. "I can't speculate about suspects at this time," he said. "There are a number of different possibilities and we're checking out all angles. We don't want to jump to any conclusions, even the obvious ones."

James set the paper down on the bed and looked up, very solemn. "No matter who did it, this isn't good, Moony."

"I can't let that happen to Lindi," Remus answered. His voice revealed how emotionally drained he was. "That's why we can't see each other anymore."

Remus was glad they didn't start saying how sorry they were or how unfair it was. He could tell how they felt by their faces, and Remus really wasn't in the frame of mind to talk another second. Unfortunately, he was going to have to.

"How did Lindi take it?" Peter asked.

"Not very well," Remus answered honestly, even if it was the understatement of the century. He just wanted to finish talking once and for all and try to go to sleep. He almost wished it was full moon just so he wouldn't have to think. "I hurt her badly and she—she pretty well hates me."

"Nah, she doesn't," said Sirius.

Remus didn't like having his words dismissed, particularly when they were so obviously and sadly true.

"Yes, Sirius, she does!" he answered crossly.

Sirius watched him with that poker face of his, and didn't argue, showing unusual restraint.

"What'd she say?" asked Peter.

"She told me to get out, but I really don't want to talk about it anymore, Peter."

They quietly turned in for the night. Remus lay awake for what seemed longer than it really was. He was so exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally, that nothing could keep him awake for very long. Still, his sleep was fitful, tossing and turning, waking from dreams of Lindi's heartrending sobs. Try as he did to tell himself it was all for the best, he could find no peace. He could have definitely used a visit from Fawkes….