Sidney
I didn't see Anna before the game, which isn't unusual, but I did wake up from my nap to a text from her:
'Good game, love you, xo'
The mood in the locker room is very high after the game. We only beat the Caps by one goal but the score went back and forth a few times so it was definitely hard fought. Through the interviews, we hold it together and tamp down some of the excitement, but when press leaves, the music is turned up and there is definitely a celebration. I chatted briefly with my dad and Pat but then I showered and dressed quickly.
In the player's lounge, I find mom and Anna chatting amiably. When mom sees me, she runs to me and I greet her with a big hug. She hates it when they come in on game day because she needs to wait until after the game for us to see each other.
"You played so well Sidney" she tells me.
"Thanks mom."
It's the same after every game since I played my first one. Regardless of win or lose, mom will tell me that I played well and hug me. She pulls back, kisses my cheek and then hugs me again. I look at my dad and he laughs when I roll my eyes. When mom finally lets me go, I walk to Anna.
"Hi babe" I kiss her cheek.
"Hi, great game" she replies.
I know immediately that there is something wrong but she takes my hand and holds it tight. Instinctively I know that she doesn't want to talk about it now.
"I'm going to give Anna a drive to her hotel" I tell my parents.
"Ok dear. We'll see you in the morning" mom replies.
I'm thirty one years old but I'm still unable to tell my parents that I'm staying at my girlfriend's for the night. Thankfully mom knows but doesn't say anything overt either.
"Good night" I tell them both
"We'll finalize dinner tomorrow" Anna tells my mom and they embrace.
"Great" mom says and then she and dad leave.
I turn to Anna and she smiles at me. It doesn't reach her eyes and I know that she wants to wait until we're completely alone to talk. We talk with some of the guys as we walk to the parking garage and part at my car. As soon as Anna and I inside, I have to ask her.
"You never leave when I do" I tell her. "What the fuck is going on?"
"Please drive and we can talk at the hotel."
"I'll drive but you need to tell me that you're ok."
"I'm ok."
She looks sincere so I start driving the short trip to her hotel.
"The chat with your mom was unexpected. I was freaking out when I saw her in my office but we had a lovely talk. She didn't want it to be awkward if we saw each other for the first time at dinner or something. We really had a great talk. She's pretty awesome."
I take her hand and kiss it.
"I'm glad. Dad told me why they came in early and I was worried for a minute, especially after what happened with Tay, but that's not mom's style" I tell her.
We arrive at her hotel and I do valet parking. The trip up to her room is silent. It's only when the door is closed does Anna step out of her shoes, take the clip out of her hair and sighs.
"I'm going to have a glass of wine" she tells me.
I wait in the seating area. She quickly returns the wine for herself and bottle of water for me. It's sweet that she knows my post-game routines.
"Ok, now tell me what's going on" I tell her.
She takes a long drink from her glass and then recounts what happened during the day. I quickly wish I'd asked for a glass of wine myself.
The conversation with mom was great and even makes Anna tear up when she tells me some of their conversation. In all the times that I thought about Anna and I marrying and having our own family, I never realized that she would by joining with my family too and not just me, which might be the only real family she has.
I can feel the strain creep into her voice as she changes topic. It seems that Rossi's article is the gift that keeps on giving.
"I don't understand" I say when she finishes. "I get that Meaghan is still with the Rangers, although how she's managed to keep her job is surprising, and that she's leading the PR on the outdoor game. What could she possibly have to say to Rossi that hasn't already been written? Besides the fact that there's a non-disclosure agreement, there's no more to tell Anna. It's all out there now."
I expect Anna to agree with me or laugh and then agree with me. I don't expect her to drink down the rest of her wine, refill it and then drink the full, new glass.
"Anna, what else is there?"
She looks up and her eyes are filled with tears.
"Sid, there is only one thing that isn't public. There is only one thing that hasn't been written about."
The tears spill over her cheeks and that's when I get it; the baby. Oh God, no one knows that the baby was mine, well no one outside of people I trust with my life.
"The baby" I whisper.
With tears in her voice, Anna repeats "the baby."
"How could she possibly know anything more than was already reported?"
"I don't know Sidney. It doesn't make any sense and I don't have any facts or proof but I just have a really bad feeling. Haven't you ever wondered how the press found out about it? My parents and the campaign assumed it was opposition research done during the election so that my father wouldn't get the nomination; but, what if it wasn't?"
"You can't possibly be thinking that Meaghan leaked it to the press. How the fuck would she have known?" I'm both baffled with how and terrified that Anna's right.
"I don't know Sidney, I said that it's only a feeling, but it feels right. Adam only found out that Meagan is feeding Rossi for a new article not what the content is about."
She drinks down another glass of wine and I take the empty glass before she can fill it again.
"Anna, you'll hate the hangover you'll have in the morning if you keep going."
Anna sighs.
"I know, thanks" she sighs again. "Sidney, I'm so sorry about these articles and all of this shit. It's coming down on you, on your parents, on the team, I hate it."
"You need to stop apologizing Anna" I yell at her and jump off the sofa to begin pacing the room. "We've talked about this so many times. The article Rossi wrote happened because I punched him. Sure, you would have been in it but it wouldn't have focused on you,, and had the added credibility to be based on an interview with you, if I hadn't laid out that ass. I also don't remember you having sex by yourself. We had sex. The rest of it is bullshit. Ok?"
I turn back to her and tears are streaming down her face. I rush over and kneel in front of her. Taking her cheeks in my hands, I softly kiss away her tears and then linger on her lips. We both pull away but only far enough to rest our foreheads against each other.
"I love you" she whispers.
"Good."
Anna chuckles and kisses my lips once more.
"Ok?" I ask.
"Yes, ok."
"Good" I pull back. "I love you too."
"Good" she repeats back to me. "Can you stay?"
I have to smile at her question. She couldn't force me away.
"Of course" I tell her. "Just one more thing before we both pass out. What are the next steps with Meagan and Rossi?"
She looks sad again and I regret my question but I had to ask.
"I'm going to talk to David in the morning. I wanted to wait so that I could think about it more and talk with you."
"At this point, I want to talk with David with you."
"Sidney!" she objects but I hold up my hand. "This isn't what's happened in the past, I promise babe. I have complete faith in your abilities. This situation is because of me as much as you so it's only right that I be there to talk with David. It's going to affect me too."
She sighs but slowly nods. I stand and help her up with me. We walk arm in arm to the bedroom where Anna goes directly to the bathroom. I strip down to my shorts and hang up my suit. By then, Anna comes back into the room in a Pens tee shirt that I quickly notice has my number on it. The moment Anna sees that I notice the tee shirt, she turns bright red and shrugs. She's so cute that I decide to let her off the hook rather than teasing her and use the bathroom myself. It's incredibly sweet that she's left out a new tooth brush for me.
When I go back into the bedroom, Anna is sitting up in bed worrying her hands in her lap. She doesn't even look up when I climb in beside her.
"We have to tell your parents" she says softly. "We may have to tell David or legal all of it and we can't be telling anyone else without your parents knowing."
I take her hand and kiss her fingertips.
"You're right" I agree. "We'll do it tomorrow. We can meet for lunch after practice if your schedule is clear."
"I'll make it clear if not" she says with less fragility and more strength in her voice.
"Ok."
I slide under the covers and open my arm for her to slide down beside me. I love the way her fingertips lightly play over my chest as she snuggles against me. It feels right and, surprisingly after such a stressful day, I easily fall asleep.
Anna
With Sidney breathing deeply, clearly falling asleep quickly, I feel safe and loved in his arms. It doesn't completely negate my concern and fear over Meaghan. One thing keeps going over and over in my mind: was Meaghan the original 'informant' about the abortion two years ago and, if so, how did she find out? Our Pen's internship hadn't started so I didn't even know her then. Besides, I went to New York to get it done and …
Fuck! New York City!
"Sidney" I softly call to see how deeply he's sleeping.
He doesn't respond so I debate waking him up and decide I have to do it.
"Sidney" I say louder and shake his shoulder.
"Hmm, yeah, what?" he says as he opens his eyes and tries to focus.
I reach over to the bedside lamp and turn it on low while Sid sits up and comes fully awake.
"What's wrong?" he asks insistently.
"I'm fine" I tell him. "I know that you just fell asleep but I think that I know what might have happened."
He rubs his hand over his face and gives his head a shake.
"Ok, what happened with what?" he asks.
"Meaghan is from New York. She went to private schools and her life was basically Gossip Girls."
"Alright but I have no idea what that means."
"Ok, she knew the richest of the rich girls and, knowing her, she also knew where all of the bodies were buried. Anyway, the clinic I went to is in the City and well known for discretion in that circle. The New York Governor's daughter had even used them and that's how I found out about the place."
"I get that" he says. "Did you see Meaghan when you were at the clinic?"
"No, I didn't see anyone expect those who work there."
"So how would Meaghan have known?"
"I don't know but it's possible."
"So let's assume she knew" he says yet still looks skeptical. "We'll also assume that she told someone in the press, that's plausible because the news corresponded with when she went to the Rangers. Where it breaks down for me is that no reporter, not even the original one, disagreed with your story after you were interviewed. You told the press that you got pregnant years before when you were younger. How come no one ever came after you about the timing?"
"I don't know" I admit.
"It's a long shot babe" he tells me. "A real long shot."
"I know it is but I feel that it's right."
Sid sighs and says "I do too."
"Really?"
"That bitch would do anything to get back at you. The details may not make sense yet but she's the first person I thought of when you said that someone is feeding Rossi for a second article."
"What if she knows that it was yours? What if she was waiting to see if we got back together?"
"Now you're really stretching it. Do you really believe that she would wait for two years to see if, on the most remote chance, we got back together and then she could release the rest?"
"Yeah, that's a big stretch on top of many big assumptions" I agree.
"It stills feel right though, doesn't it?"
It's my turn to sigh "yeah."
Sid yawns and looks at his watch.
"We really have to stop having conversations in the middle of the night. Come on, let's get some sleep and we can figure the rest out tomorrow" he tells me and settles back against the pillows.
I turn off the light and then settle back in his arms. This time we both fall asleep easily even though I'm more concerned than ever.
My alarm softly rings and I grab my phone to turn it off quickly. From the faint light in the room, I can see that Sid is still asleep. He needs it after both a practice and game last night, so I quietly slip out of bed and dress in my work out clothes. I walk to the hotel gym while reviewing the emails that came in overnight. Doesn't anyone sleep?
David has agreed to meet with me in the afternoon to discuss our new findings. Pat has asked to meet with me, in a professional capacity, to discuss next steps in this never ending news cycle. In most cities, and with most athletes, a story like that might never be written. If it was, then it would quickly fade away. When it's the best player in the world, in one of the greatest hockey cities, and with an athlete who is almost pathological about keeping his private life private, it has legs to walk for days.
I respond to Pat agreeing to meet and then turn on my music and run. It takes a lot of focus but I manage to stop thinking about the shit storm flying around us right now and focus on putting one foot after another on the treadmill to run until my lungs might explode. When I'm done, I notice that I've run the same distance but have shaved ten percent off of my usual time. No wonder I'm so tired.
Pushing away the fatigue and focusing on the endorphins, I shower, dress and write a note for Sid to let him know I've gone into Consol. I forgo breakfast so that I don't wake him and wake through crisp fall air to the office.
As usual, the place is empty. I'm usually the first person in the office but it takes even longer for others to come in after a game night. The communications team is writing and posting so late that it's almost morning when their done. Anyone working directly with players has stayed late the night before and won't be seen this early either. Actually, the only guys who are probably here is the equipment staff and they'll have coffee. I definitely need some after only a short night's sleep.
I don't see any of the guys downstairs but I follow my nose to the coffee. It's hot and I know it will be strong.
"The one on the left is the high octane" Dana says to me as he walks around the corner.
"You guys don't mind if I steal some?" I ask.
"I won't tell if you don't."
I chuckle.
"Thanks" I reply, pour a cup and take a sip. It is strong and perfect. "I've always meant to ask you something Dana. You guys almost never get more than four hours asleep in a row unless we're on a plane trip longer than that. How do you guys do it?"
"What time were you in bed last night?" he asks.
"Um, I think 2am."
"It's 7:30am now" he looks at his watch. "So you probably got up at 6am. That means you only had four hours of sleep too."
I smile at him.
"Ok, you're right. But you have to admit, I do get more sleep than you guys do."
"We manage to grab time here and there if we don't get a full night. "
He pulls out his phone and begins to scroll through screens. When he finds something he was looking for, he holds it up to me. It's a picture of Dana drinking out of the Stanley Cup being held by Sidney.
"I've been gifted with this experience twice in my life. That makes everything we do worth it" he tells me.
I have to smile at him. It doesn't matter what your position is with the Pens, everyone feels a part of Cup wins and the smile on his face tells me that he's proud of his part.
"You're a good man Dana" I touch his arm and turn to go back upstairs.
"Anna" he says and I turn around. "I may be out of line, but, um, I hope you know that everyone who matters thinks the whole thing is bullshit."
I don't have to ask what 'the whole thing' is because I know he's referring to the Rossi article.
"Thank you Dana."
He smiles and we both turn to get on with our day.
It takes me some time to focus on my email. I keep thinking back to what Dana said about winning the Cup making everything you have to go through to get it worth it. Maybe that's how I should think about Sidney. We've both been through a lot, together and separate, but we're together now and on our way to a happy life together. Does that make everything it takes to get there worth it? I can't answer that question because I feel like I'm still in the eye of the storm but I'll have to remember to think about it later.
I return to my email and decide to forward all of the press requests for me personally to Adam. It will be better if I'm not the one to engage reporters even if it is to say 'no comment.' The minute I say anything, I'm giving them the opening to ask more questions of me as a person and not as a Penguin's representative.
"So I see that you're delegating" I hear Adam say as he walks in my office.
"You're early" I tell him.
"I thought it needed to be an early morning."
I gesture for him to sit down and take the coffee he offers me.
"Yeah, it's going to be a long day too" I tell him.
"Did you tell Sid about you-know-who?"
"Yeah I did" I reply and then debate how much of the rest that I can tell him. "Adam, you know that there are things that I can't tell you and I'm very appreciative that you respect that decision. You should know that I think it was Meaghan who leaked the abortion two years ago. I don't have facts, and there are reasons for me to think that which I can't mention, but I really believe it was her."
"Of course it was the bitch" he agrees and takes a sip of his coffee while I stare dumbfounded at him. "She is a manipulative and unscrupulous bitch who was and still is incredibly jealous of you. She had some delusion of coming to the Pens and making Sid fall in love with her. It was delusional but she believed it and that's one of the reasons she was so nasty to you. I don't know what happened to make her leave but I know it had something to do with that jealousy. Anyway, I've been keeping an eye on her as we work on the Winter Classic in case she decides to do something stupid again."
He pauses for a moment, moves the cup half way up to his lips and then stops. His mouth opens wide for a full minute.
"I realize you probably can't tell me what it is Anna; but, does she know more shit that she can feed Rossi? Is there another, maybe even bigger, shoe to drop?"
I can't speak so I simply nod. Adam slams down his coffee on my desk and begins to stalk around my office. I've never seen him quite this wound up before and it's unsettling. He stops in the middle of the room with one hand on his hip and the other he uses to gesture wildly around the room.
"She will not get away with this" he tells me indignantly. "She may be from New York City but I'm from Chicago and I'll cut the bitch!"
For the first time in days, I find myself laughing, hard, and it only grows harder and uncontrollable when Adam keeps waving his hand and talking about what he's going to do to do her. It is quite a show.
"Adam, you'll do no such thing" I tell him. "You will continue to work with her on the Winter Classic, nicely."
"While you figure out how to take her out?"
"Oh year I will. She's from New York and you're from Chicago, but I'm from the south. We smile and offer you sweet tea and all the while"
"You're finding a way to cut the bitch?" Adam finishes.
"No, but we will figure things out."
We both laugh now. It's only when we stop that I bring the conversation back to our serious next steps
"I'll be meeting with David today and will tell him what we've found out. My counsel will be that we continue with 'no comment' until or unless something changes and then we'll revisit what we should do" I tell him. "I don't expect David to disagree."
"What else are you going to 'counsel'?"
"What do you mean?" I ask but think that I know.
"Rossi has nothing to hold over our heads now like he did when Sid decked him. I'm positive that you're going to suggest something be done with the Trib."
He's too smart not to figure that out. Shit. I don't want to go down that road with Adam since it will walk an ethical line if we decide to do it so I simply smile.
"Ok, I get it, you can't talk about it. Fine" he tells me.
"Let's talk about the day" I say and we dig into the day's schedule.
The rest of the morning goes well and I get a lot done since I'm still staying away from the press. I can't go down to ice level so I stay in my office and review budgets for the second half of the season. Wow, it's almost Christmas.
I only know that it's close to lunch time because I get a text from Sid.
'Lunch in your office? Might be better than restaurant'
He's right about the restaurant but the office doesn't feel right either. We're about to have a very personal conversation with his parents and we need privacy for it.
'Let's walk to my hotel and have lunch in my room' I text him.
'Great idea, meet you at side door at 1pm?'
'See you then xo'
That gives me about twenty minutes to take care of a few last minute things before lunch. It's hard to keep my focus though as my mind keeps straying to lunch and the conversation we're going to have. This is the last thing that we have to tell Sid's parents before everything is completely out within the family; well, in the Crosby family at least. My family doesn't even care enough to want the truth.
With five minutes until I meet them, I walk through the intern's bullpen and stop at Adam's desk.
"I'm going out for lunch" I tell him. "I may be a while. Can you hold down the fort?"
"Of course" he tells me and then lowers his voice. "Is everything ok?"
I take a deep breath and reply "I'll let you know after lunch."
He pats my arm and I resume on my way to meeting the Crosbys. Sidney smiles and gives me a quick kiss when I arrive.
"Hi babe" he says.
"Hi."
I turn to his parents and both Trina and Troy hug me in turn.
"Sidney says that you want to have lunch at your hotel?" Trina says.
"We wanted to go somewhere where we don't have to cook but we can also be alone" I tell her.
I sense that Trina knows that we want to talk to them in private so she smiles and we make small talk during the short walk to my hotel. Thankfully the walk is short.
The staff is setting up lunch as we walk in the door to my room. Unsure what everyone would want, I ordered a few dishes family style for us to share. Quickly, everything is set up and we're alone eating lunch.
I fill my plate but can't eat since I'm so nervous about the conversation we're about to have and could very well puke if I manage to swallow anything.
Sid and I talked about how to tell his parents and agreed that I would tell them my part of the story and then he would jump in to tell the rest.
"Um, Trina, Troy, clearly we wanted to talk to you alone" I say and have to take a long drink of my water since my mouth goes instantly dry. "What I want to tell you about happened almost three years ago.
It was a party at the end of the season when the Rangers won the series in straight games and everyone knew that the management and coaching staff was going to get fired. Anyway, Lauren Lemieux brought me to the party since I was in town interviewing for the internship with the Pens. Only a very few people know that Sid and I met that night."
I stop there and take another drink of my water. Sid's hand squeezes my knee slightly under the table in support and I continue.
"It's not something either of us have every done but we met that night and had sex" I thought it would be easier if I just said it out straight. I doesn't feel easier. "That's the only time that Sid and I were in the same room until the season began. I guess you could call it a one night stand. Anyway, a few weeks later, I was back at home and I realized that I missed my period."
I say the last sentence on one huff of breath and try to gather my courage for the last bit of the story. Everyone has stopped eating and their eyes are on me. At the worst possible time, right now, my eyes are drawn to Trina's gold cross around her neck.
"Yes, I was pregnant and yes I had an abortion" I say and then look down at my hands.
I wait for an eruption or a million questions but they don't come. The silence becomes too much to take so I look up to see that the Crosby's aren't staring at me. Both of them have eyes directly on Sidney.
"This is what you wouldn't tell us about when you broke up" Trina says softly to Sidney.
"Yes" Sid replies.
"This is what you have been hiding for three years?"
"Yes" he says again.
"You could have told us Sidney. You can tell us anything and have done so in the past. Why not now?"
Sidney sighs and now he's surprisingly in the hot seat.
"Mom, it wasn't just mine to tell. Anna and I broke up and the abortion wasn't really the reason for it so I didn't tell you. I'm sorry."
"I understand your reasoning Sidney but it was wrong not to tell us. We are your family and we go through everything together, supporting each other, helping each other. I thought you would have learned after the concussion how much we need each other. There is absolutely no reason for you to go through things alone."
"Mom, I"
"I'm not finished Sidney" she cuts him off. "It's not just about you. When you're in pain, your father and I are in pain too Sidney. This isn't just about you. For the last two years your sister, your father and I have gone through everything too. Only we didn't know why."
Sid's eyes are wide and I can see that he's stunned by his mother's words. I have to admit that I'm pretty stunned too. It never even occurred to me until that lunch where Taylor told me how difficult the last two years were to the Crosby family. Seeing Trina express it now reaffirms all of Taylor's words and drives home the pain that his mom and dad were in. Maybe they are still in pain.
"I'm so sorry mom. I guess all I can say is that I'm very sorry and clearly wasn't thinking about how everything was affecting you guys" he says. "It was horrible, I mean it was crazy, oh shit I don't know what I'm saying."
I can hear the torture in his voice and apparently his mom does too because she stands, walks over to him and pulls Sid into her arms. Even though Sid is sitting, Trina is so short that his head still rests on her shoulder. I feel tears fill my eyes when I hear Sid sniff. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Troy wipe at his cheek and a tear slips down my own. This family loves each other so much and I almost ruined it.
"It's entirely my fault" I tell them. "I'm the one who had the abortion, Sid didn't know until months later, and I'm the one who lied to him about it. He only found out when the press reported it and apparently that was my fault too. I'm so sorry to have done this to your family. You've all been so great and understanding and" I can't finish because I've started sobbing.
I crumble into myself and can't stop the sobbing that wracks my body. I brought all of this pain to this family that I've come to love so much. I startle when I feel male hands pull me up and into his arms. I've forgotten that Troy was here since Trina's been doing all of the talking but it's his comfort that sooths me so that I stop crying.
"Don't be blaming yourself Anna" he whispers to me. "This was a bad situation and you dealt with it the only way that you knew how. We know what your family situation was like and we know what you went through."
"You must hate me" I say into his chest.
"Why?" Troy asks and pulls back so that we can look at each other.
"I had an abortion!" I tell him. "You're Catholic and I had an abortion."
"Oh" is all he says and turns us toward Trina.
Sid and Trina are now standing and Sid has his arm around his mother. Trina takes a deep breath, then pulls away from Sid and walks to stand in front of me.
"You're right Anna" she says softly. "I am Catholic, we are Catholic, and we raised our kids religiously too. As Troy said though, we understand your family situation and the position you were in. Besides, we would never impose our values on anyone else, ever. We can disagree with what you did and still understand it and have empathy for you. Does that make sense?"
Tears are freely flowing down my face now and I definitely can't speak so I simply nod. Trina tilts her head, gives me a small smile and pulls me into her arms. When she enfolds me into her embrace that's the last piece that breaks the dam and I let loose. Trina rubs my back as I cry on her.
Finally, I'm all cried out and pull away from her. Trina wipes my cheeks and then hands me a tissue from her pocket. It's such a mom thing to do, having the tissue ready, and I know my mother never would.
"Ok?" Trina asks.
I nod and then look up at Sid when he walks to my side and kisses me lightly on the lips first and then my forehead.
"Will you excuse me for a moment?" I ask and look around at everyone.
I go to the washroom and see the damage the crying has done on my face and hair. It take me a few minutes to pull myself together but when I'm finally ready I go back to the living area. Sidney is sitting at the table alone eating. His almost empty plate tells me how long that I've been gone.
"Where are your parents?" I ask.
"I talked a little more with them and mom gave me more shit" he says and shrugs. "Since we're having dinner tonight, they thought they would give us some privacy. We still need to go back to Consol and talk with David anyway."
"Right."
"The only thing we need to talk about before that meeting is what to do about Meaghan" Sid says.
"I think that we need to wait and see what happens. There is no way to do damage control if we don't know what the damage will be. We could make it worse."
"I get it babe but I think we shouldn't wait."
"We shouldn't wait?" I ask.
"In fact, not only should we not wait, we should go on the offensive and fuck both her and Rossi" he says with a great deal of venom. "It's time to deal with this shit rather than letting it happen to us."
"I don't know Sidney. I'm very unsure of going on the offensive when I don't know what the battle is about."
"I'm saying that I don't give a shit about the battle because I want to end the war."
I've never seen him this pissed off and I know that this can't be coming to him off the top of his head. He's been thinking about this for a while now. Oh shit, I'm so stupid.
"Is that why Pat is here?" I ask rhetorically. "He's here, with your parents, so that we can go on the offensive. I heard that Mario is back in the city early from meetings in New York too."
Sid simply smiles. Oh boy. This is going to get ugly … and good.
