AN: WARNING! This chapter contains a situation that closely resembles forced sex/domination. If you're sensitive about that kind of thing, you might want to sit this one out or read only parts. The situation I'm talking about is about a third down the text.
Alenko simply wouldn't let Jo be about the Cerberus business. The moment he saw a dead Alliance soldier on Mars he kept nagging and nagging, questioning her if she knew why Cerberus was there and blocking her when she tried to answer, telling her how he couldn't trust her anyway. She indulged him for a while, but when even Vega got annoyed enough to step in on her behalf, she'd had enough. She turned and slugged Alenko right in the nose.
"Every time the words 'Cerberus' or 'trust' leave your mouth, I'm going to punch you, got it?"
"How do you expect me to believeā¦"
She hit him with the butt of her rifle this time.
"Get it into your thick skull, Alenko: I don't fucking care what you think. And add the word 'believe' to that list."
Barely an hour after that she was looking at a smoking Cerberus shuttle, Alenko's demolished body on the ground and the robot's skinny-ass remains in a heap not far away.
Great.
Vega helped her bring Alenko and the robot to the Normandy. It just figured that the rookie on her team turned out to be the most helpful one in a critical situation. She couldn't even blame him for a busted Kodiak because she knew: given the chance, she would have done the exact same thing and people would have expected no less from her. That kind of devotion to the mission was one of the characteristics the ICT looked for in their N7 recruits.
Liara decided to come along and stay on the ship and Jo couldn't say no to that, even though she really wanted to. As the Shadow Broker the young asari could be extremely useful. As the person who'd recovered Jo's corpse to give it to Cerberus for resurrection and later presented her with the charred dog tags taken from her remains all the while claiming to have a crush on Jo - Liara gave Jo serious creeps. As a biotic with basic combat training she was absolutely useless to Jo on ground missions, more of a hindrance, rather.
Jo didn't like the fact that she was more afraid of Liara than of the Illusive Asshole, and in Liara's case she would actually have to stoop down to constant deception. She couldn't afford such a powerful enemy, so she would have to tuck away her integrity and continuously lie to Liara, pretending to be a friend. Jo didn't like such a compromising element on her own ship, but she had no other choice. Liara had to be supervised somehow, because the creepy, cruel woman in front of her had nothing in common anymore with the sweet girl Jo had rescued from a Prothean trap years ago.
Jo personally carried Alenko from the shuttle to the empty med bay. When she stepped out of the elevator on the third deck, she almost stumbled. Right in front of the door stood the memorial wall Garrus and the boys had made the night before going to the Collector base. Jo was almost surprised to see the old piece of the first Normandy still on board. After all, the Alliance had changed everything else on the ship.
Karin Chakwas needed to get back to her med bay very soon. There were so many things to do, so many people to find and put them back where they belonged on the ship...
"We need to go to the Citadel," Liara started nagging when Jo took a moment to look at the Major's broken shape on the med table. He wasn't dead just yet. Something in the universe just wouldn't let him die. Just like with her. She still had work to do and he probably still had a lot to learn. But for all the good people that died...
Thankfully, the trip to the Citadel wasn't going to take long. As Jo walked across the ship to get to the cockpit, she noticed how everyone darted out of her way while they hurriedly tried to fix the walls, lights and wiring. Traynor was nowhere to be seen. Jo wasn't going to shoot the woman, she knew repairs like that couldn't be done in one hour, but she liked keeping them all a little on edge. This was not a picnic and most of these people would have to be left behind on the Citadel. She didn't need random guards, techies and delivery people, she needed the best of the trained marines. Hopefully there would be some to find on the Citadel.
The door to the cockpit - the one that had no business to be there in the first place - was locked.
"EDI?" Jo frowned when the door refused to open for her.
"Commander, Jeff has ordered me to keep everyone out. I believe he is in great distress."
"Belay that order and let me in," Jo said. What kind of distress?
When the door opened, she found Joker sitting in his chair, as always. At least he didn't appear to be in any physical pain. There were pictures, vids and text frozen on his screen when she stepped up behind him and put her hand on his shoulder.
He shook it off in a very uncharacteristic shrug and shot out of his seat to get away from her.
"Jeff, what happened?"
"The Arcturus station," he barked, finally turning to see her. Jo almost gasped. She'd never seen so much pain in his eyes. Pain, anger, mixed with fear and sorrow.
"What about it?" She made a slow step towards him but he bolted, keeping his distance from her.
"It's gone! The Reapers hit it on their way to Earth. My mother was on it," he added in a whisper. Jo's heart broke. "Came out of her retirement to work as a specialist while Hackett was building up the fleet in the last few months. Gone. Gone with the rest of them."
Jo felt sharp pain in places she'd never known existed. A dead mother was a given to her all her life, but for Joker it was a hard and unexpected blow. Despite their disagreements during their visit Jo also realised she'd just lost the only real mother-like person she could ever have, before she even got to really know the woman. She couldn't even pretend to imagine how Joker must be feeling now.
"I'm so sorry," she reached out for him, hoping that her presence would somehow help him deal with the pain. She lived with the pain of dead parents all her life and there was one thing she knew for sure: she wouldn't wish that pain on anyone, least of all on the man she loved with all her heart.
"Sorry!" He yelled, once again stepping out of her reach. "You're sorry but you're going to put your life at risk anyway! Do you have any idea what it does to me every time you go planetside? Knowing that any bullet could be the one? You're sorry but you won't stop putting yourself in danger! I just lost my mother and I'm going to lose you, too! It's only a matter of time!"
He was pacing up and down in front of her and Jo couldn't help the tears and the tight knot in her throat. Yes, she was sorry, and at the same time there was no question about it: she would continue to risk her life, regardless of how it made him feel. It was her duty, her calling and her livelihood. She couldn't stop, at least not now. Unless, of course, he demanded that she did.
And yet she couldn't give up on him, either, no matter how much pain she caused him. She was selfish about it, but she knew she could never break up with him to spare him the pain of losing her. What would be the point? If he wasn't with her, he'd still feel the pain.
Jo stepped closer to him, stopped his pacing and crowded him against a bulkhead.
"What do you want me to do? Tell me, and I'll do it. I know you're angry and I understand. If you want to punch me or kick me - do it. Let your anger out. I'd do anything for you and you know it, just please, don't shut me out."
He focused on her. She saw tears filling his eyes as he paused to take her in. Then he suddenly turned and threw her against the bulkhead in an already familiar move. Jo found herself pressed hard into the metal when his elbow dug into her throat. She offered no resistance. Not today.
"What do I want you to do?" He asked almost maliciously. "I want you to stand still while I fuck you against that wall."
Jo almost sighed in relief. This was much better than angry brooding or quiet sorrow, much better than closing himself off, suffering in silent solitude. He needed to fuck her to remind himself that he hadn't lost her yet, that she was his and that he had at least some power over her. He needed to let his anger and pain out and Jo would have been insulted if he used anyone else to do it with.
She turned her back to him, put her cheek and both palms on the cold metal and stuck her butt back against his groin.
"Don't hold anything back, my love. I'm here and I'm yours."
She couldn't really see him from that position anymore but she could swear she heard him sob when his hands went around her waist to open her belt and push her pants and underwear down. The fabric around her knees didn't let her spread her legs for him but he didn't seem to mind when he unzipped his own pants and grabbed her hips to position her to his liking. Without warning he slammed into her and it stung. They were both dry and unprepared, but that was a small price to pay under the circumstances. Causing her a measure of pain seemed to lessen the pain he felt and Jo took it gladly. She would take a world of pain for him. Joker released her hips and leaned in to cover her wrists with his hands, pressing her firmer against the door, as he pistoned his hips back and forth. Jo relaxed under his hands, taking in all of his pain and anger, all the emotion that was tearing him apart. When he needed strength she would give him all of hers because they were one.
He grunted when he came and leaned against her back, trapping her between him and the bulkhead. His uneven breathing reminded her too much of soft sobs, so Jo let him unwind. She would do and give anything to ease his pain.
After a while the situation started dawning on him and he suddenly stiffened.
"Oh god. I hurt you," he whispered with rising panic. "I..."
"No, you didn't," Jo felt him carefully pull himself out of her and turned around to hug him when he was done. "Trust me, my love, you're physically and mentally incapable of raping a woman. And forgive me for saying this, but you couldn't seriously hurt me even if you tried."
"But I..."
"Don't even say 'sorry'," she interrupted him, holding him in a firm but gentle embrace. "If you need to fuck me to feel alive, I'm always there for you. I'm yours and you're mine. We'll get through all of it together."
"Yeah. I'm okay," he said, rubbing her back gently, as if trying to ease whatever hurt he'd caused her. "I'm good. Let's get back to work."
"You're not okay. You just lost your mother. We do need to get to work, but don't pretend like you're fine, at least not with me. You're hurting and it's the way it should be."
He remained silent and they continued to hold each other for a little while. Then he quietly released her and they both got dressed.
"I need to change my pants," Jo half-smiled. His liquids were staining the pair she wore now. "Here's hoping that our clothes are still in our bedroom. Send a ship-wide transmission that I want every single person on the ship in the conference room in five minutes, ok?"
"Will do," Joker nodded. Jo could see that his own outburst of emotion scared him a little bit and he didn't know what to do about it. He'd never been violent with her - rough, yes, but not violent. And after what she'd told him about her childhood trauma he was probably doubly concerned about what just happened. Jo wrapped her arms around his neck one more time:
"Don't you dare start worrying. I asked you not to hold back and I'm with you every step of the way, whether you're happy, angry or sad."
When Jo stepped into her cabin, she found the same level of destruction there as everywhere else. Her and Joker's personal stuff wasn't in the wardrobe anymore, but she found most of it in a few crates in the corner. She dug out an old pair of uniform pants to change into. There was no time to clean the room right now, since she needed to address the temporary crew. On her way out she almost ran into Traynor, who seemed to shake all over when she gave Jo a report about the estimated time the repairs would take. Jo didn't like the girl's shaking hands and her trembling voice, but she did like the courage to come to her after an explicit death threat.
"In fact," the girl added to her explanations on the retrofits. "Admiral Anderson had intended to use the Normandy as his mobile command centre."
Jo tensed.
"Oh, had he?" She narrowed her eyes and Traynor realised she'd said something really bad.
"I'm... sorry?"
So, the man who called himself Jo's friend - while calling himself that - fully intended to steal her ship from her and make it his. Nothing else could have shown Jo any clearer that Anderson had hoped she would never be let out of the brig. Whether he thought she'd be locked up forever or executed, or perhaps killed by an assassin, it didn't matter. He never intended for her to return here, to her own home. How about that kind of friendship? And that was after she'd explicitly told him how little she thought about his taking the Normandy for a joy ride months ago? He still kept grooming the ship for his personal use.
All the friendship that had ever been between them was gone in an instant, but that wasn't all. This was not the kind of betrayal that Jo could tolerate. If it had been Hackett, she wouldn't have been upset. Hackett always took what he could from her and never pretended to be her friend. Anderson meanwhile always played the friendship card with her, only to stab her in the back repeatedly in the last six months.
Admiral Anderson got moved from the list of people Jo was careful about to the list of people Jo would not bother saving. Miranda Lawson had been on that list and Jo had watched her die in cold blood without regrets. Anderson was useful on Earth right now, but Jo vowed: when the time came, she would calmly watch him die for this betrayal and have no regrets whatsoever.
Traynor didn't need to notice Jo's sudden murderous mood. Jo asked her to continue. When the girl was done with the report, EDI spoke up, telling Jo that she found Traynor extremely helpful during the retrofits and asked for her to stay.
"Wait," Traynor frowned. "Since when does the virtual intelligence make requests?"
Jo couldn't help a chuckle:
"EDI, I'm afraid this one isn't as smart as you think she is."
"I'd prefer she stayed, anyway, Shepard," EDI seemed pleased.
"I knew it!" Traynor seemed to finally get it. "You're an AI! Uhm. Sorry for all the times I commented on... how... attractive your voice was."
Jo grew serious instantly.
"Look, Traynor, if EDI wants you here, I'll keep you for her sake and you'll be entirely her responsibility. But there is one thing I do not tolerate on my ship. It's skanks. Ask EDI about what happened to the last two women who couldn't act professionally on their job. So if you want to stay, you keep whatever attraction you have to EDI's voice strictly to your time off, or we'll have a real problem."
"I'm sorry. I understand. Completely. Yes," Traynor stuttered but Jo didn't pay her any more attention. They were both due in the conference room in less than a minute.
"Where the fuck is my conference room?!" Jo cursed when she looked around the CIC a few moments later.
"Uhm, right through there," Traynor guided her. "The Alliance designers changed the layout. The former lab was turned into a new debriefing room."
"And why is there a fucking scanner on the way there?!" Jo found herself on the verge of exploding when a scanner stopped her. "What kind of sick imbecile was in charge of the retrofits?!" She yelled at no one in particular.
"The design was approved by Admiral Anderson, Ma'am," Traynor said.
Calm down, Johanna, find your Zen, she told herself and took a deep breath.
The entire population of the ship was already gathered in the new conference room. All conversations stopped when she entered. Her murderous mood was clearly visible.
"Who the fuck are you people and what the fuck are you doing on my ship?" She asked into the round. One by one people started introducing themselves, telling her what their job was before the Reapers arrived. Jo skipped Engineer Adams with a nod as one of the very few people in the room that she actually knew.
There were about forty people on board and as far as she knew, the dorm only had twenty four beds. She'd have to seriously clean house in a very near future. Most of the people were technicians, some were guards from the hangar that got swept away in the craziness of the Reaper arrival. None of them were really trained for long-term service on a reconnaissance warship. Geez.
"This is not an Alliance ship and I'll have that stupid logo on the hull painted over at the very first chance, just like I had the Cerberus logo painted over back in the day. Most of you will have to be reassigned once we're on the Citadel," she said. "Don't even get your hopes up to stay. I need professional navigators and battle-hardened technicians, not hangar guards and delivery people."
She let her heavy glance glide over the scared faces.
"Finally," she stuck her hand into the front pocket of her brig shirt and pulled out a very live, moving and squeaking fur ball. "Who was the fucker who let out my hamster and had him fend for himself in the cargo bay with no food and water?!"
The air itself seemed to tremble when she finished yelling. Several people were on the verge of fainting.
Joker cleared his throat in the ear-ringing silence:
"Was he already in your pocket earlier, when I..." He pointed towards the cockpit. "Oh, wow."
"So not the point," Jo shook her head. "All right, people. ETA to the Citadel is eighteen hours." She started randomly pointing her finger. "You - find my hamster's cage, bring it to my cabin and leave it at the door. EDI, engage the standard security protocol on my door and send me and Jeff the current password." She noticed odd glances. "What?"
"I'm guessing they're just wondering why I'm allowed in your cabin, Jo," Joker shrugged.
"You didn't tell them? In all this time you held your tongue and didn't tell anyone that we're together?" Jo was relieved to see him smile again after the news about his mother. "I'm impressed. Anyway. You," she pointed at the next soldier. "Find my other personal items that you people tossed around the ship and bring it upstairs. You two," she pointed at Campbell and Westmoreland. "Get some tools and remove that fucking scanner I had to pass through on the way here and that idiotic door to the cockpit. EDI, why don't you film that and send the footage to whoever in the Alliance came up with the idea to install those things?"
"It will be my pleasure, Commander."
"The rest of you - if Liara, Joker or Adams have no use for you at the moment, go help Traynor fix the wiring and panels. Her life depends on it. Whoever knows how to cook - start making lunch. All dismissed. Joker, Vega, Adams, Traynor and T'Soni - stay a little longer."
Jo gently patted her hamster's little head as she watched most people leave the room. He knew her and remained calm in her hands while she held him against her chest.
"You're the only people that are staying on the ship for sure," Jo addressed the much smaller congregation. "Welcome to the Normandy. This is the place where we have no secrets and where all vital information is shared freely and is accessible to everyone. If any of you need reports on the Normandy's previous missions, you have full access to those files. Until we find Garrus Vakarian, there will be no XO, which means that Joker is the second-highest ranking officer and Vega - third-highest. We're not Alliance anymore, but if you want to go back, you still have a chance to leave on the Citadel."
When no one expressed such a wish, Jo continued:
"EDI, I've been waiting four months to ask you this in person. Why the fuck didn't you let Joker and me know that Anderson took my ship for a joy ride?"
Vega was the only one who still didn't seem to know that EDI was much more than a VI, hence he was the only really surprised one.
"I apologise for the deception, Shepard," EDI spoke gently. "I calculated that Lieutenant Vega would tell you eventually, and when he did, your and Jeff's reaction would me more convincing if it was natural. My simulations confirmed that letting Lieutenant Vega do the job would be beneficial for hiding my true abilities."
Jo leaned her hands on the table and sighed.
"Great. We all got played by a fucking AI. Very well, dismissed."
"An AI?" Vega shook his head in disbelief, though Jo suspected he was more disappointed in himself for not noticing before than in EDI for her deception.
Jo said to Joker quietly when he walked past her:
"Set course for the Citadel and come upstairs."
He nodded quietly. They would be at the Citadel in less than a day. Until then Jo would get this temporary crew to do their best to get her ship in working order while she could take some time to catch up on the outside world, to listen to the news and reports, to find and contact the old members of her crew. And most importantly: she could finally speak freely to her man and they both desperately needed that. Six months of constant hostile surveillance left many things between them unsaid and undone.
Joker took his sweet time before showing up in their bedroom. By that time Jo was already through the reports on Reaper attacks on most homeworlds and saw Emily Wong's last transmissions before the young journalist died a hero's death back on Earth. The whole world was going under and in times like these one could only try and hold on to whatever they still had and what they knew.
There was so much to be said that for a moment she didn't know where to start. Joker sat on the leather couch. Jo sat next to him and took his hands in hers.
"I'm sorry I jumped you like that," he said quietly.
"It's okay. I understand completely that you needed to feel that you had power over me. You do, you know. You're the only one in the galaxy who does."
"And still it's not enough," he lowered his head, hiding his eyes under the brim of his hat.
"For what?"
"To keep you out of harm's way. To keep you alive."
"Jeff, I'm gonna tell you something now, but you have to promise me to think about it at least a week and not rush with a reply." That got his attention. "It's going to sound like I'm laying all the responsibility at your feet at the moment in your life when you need my support and not a backstab like that. That's why you need to think about it for a while and let yourself cool first."
"What is it?"
"The truth of it all is that I would do anything for you. I know better than anyone how crazy it is what I do. Suicide missions, crazy stunts, risking my life day and night for the greater good that seems a little too elusive at times like these. Believe me I know how crazy it is. And I'm glad that you don't consider it normal. Hackett and Anderson and the rest of the galaxy expect shit like that from me, they take it for granted. You don't, and I'm glad that you can still see that I'm only human and all the shit that I do is fucking dangerous, that I survive by sheer luck sometimes. So, if you ask me to stop, I will. I'll drop the mission, stop fighting planetside, or do whatever else you might wish."
"So the fate of the galaxy and all sentient life in it is basically in my hands?" He shot her an evil glare. "You're right, it does feel like a stab in the back right now because I really don't need that shit."
"I know, and I'm sorry for the way I'm delivering this. But I need you to know that you have power over me, over my life and death. Circumstances may have taken a lot from you, but that is always in your power. You're not just a subordinate to me, not a puppy I'll leave behind when the time comes for me to do something more important. You're my partner in life and in job and I wouldn't do anything without your agreement."
"Even saving the galaxy?"
"It's always been a team job. How can I save the galaxy without your skills? How can I give away my life when it doesn't belong to me alone anymore? Whatever happens, you have as much say about our relationship as I do. Always will, always have."
"You're a bitch, aren't you?" He shot to his feet and limped away towards the fish tank, clenching and unclenching his fists. "You know you're the best chance this galaxy has to survive. You know I could never ask you to stop. What kind of man would that make me?"
"The kind of man you want to be. Whether it's noble or selfish, I'll accept it and I'll never resent it. I love everything about you. I'll wait for your final judgement and abide by your wishes without any ill will. Think about it and talk to me when you're ready."
"No, seriously," he shot her another angry glance over his shoulder before stalking out of the room: "You really are a bitch."
Jo shrugged when the door whooshed after him. He had always known she was a bitch and usually he loved that about her. Right now he needed some time for himself and she would give it to him. After all, as long as she lived, he would never be truly alone.
