Hey readers. Apparently I made a few people cry in the last chapter and I'm sorry. This one probably isn't much better. I love it when I hear from you! Thanks so much for the reviews.
EOEOEOEO
"I'm sorry." She choked out and Elliot's heart dropped.
"Olivia…stop this." He was getting frustrated. "I asked you to marry me. And you said yes. That means we're willing to accept each other, as is. I'm not asking you to change. I don't want you to. And you shouldn't expect me to change either. Am I going to be protective of you? Yes! Hell yes. But don't take that to mean I'm not listening to you or that I don't believe in you. And I hope to hell that you know that I wouldn't ask you to marry me if I wasn't certain about this. I've never been more certain about anything in my life. And I thought you were too." His frustration was escalating and he stood up suddenly, releasing her hands. He walked over to the mantel and braced his hands against it. "I'm sorry if you got the impression that I wanted you to be something that you aren't. I'm sorry if you feel like I wasn't supporting you. But all you had to do was talk to me."
"I've been trying…"
"Bullshit." He said, turning to look at her. His patience was gone. "You know what? I can't do this anymore. We've been through this so many times. You promised me you weren't going to walk away. You promised me we were done with this bullshit." The tone of his voice was escalating. "Multiple times." He said pointedly. "I love you Olivia. I want to marry you. I've been pretty clear about that." He narrowed his eyes. "But if you're looking for a way out of this, just say so."
Olivia was surprised by his words. "I didn't say I was…"
"Then why do you keep coming up with all this shit? I've been very clear about what I want. You're the one that keeps trying to read between the lines. Guess what? I'm not that deep. There's nothing to read. I'm an ass sometimes. I'm concerned about the woman I love. Sue me." He jabbed a finger at her. "I think you need to think about why you keep backing away." He was yelling now; the control he tried to hold on to was gone. "Call me when you figure out what you want."
He headed for the door, slamming it behind him as he walked out the door.
Olivia felt the tears stream down her cheeks, just as she heard a wail behind her. She turned and saw Elise standing at the entrance to the living room, clutching a blanket. She was sobbing. "Daddy!" she yelled but Elliot was already gone.
Olivia felt nauseous, the reality of the situation hitting her squarely. She clutched the ring in her hand and looked back at Elise, who was still crying. She felt her dinner coming up. She dropped the ring as she pushed herself up from the couch. She rushed past Elise, feeling horrible about it, but she had to make it to the bathroom. She dropped to the floor and lost the contents of her stomach, and Elise followed her, clutching at the back of her t-shirt and sobbing.
When Olivia stopped retching, she grabbed a towel and wiped her face. She sat on the cold tile and leaned against the vanity. She pulled a still sobbing Elise onto her lap, trying to quiet her. "Shhh."
Elise kept sobbing, grabbing her t-shirt with her free hand and wetting it with her tears. Olivia tried to rock her a little, but her stomach wasn't cooperating. She thought about the past half an hour, and wondered how she'd ever let things get so out of control. She hadn't wanted a fight…she hadn't meant for things to end like that. She looked at her left hand as it was wrapped around Elise, and saw the slight dent at the base of her finger from the ring.
"I want Daddy." Elise sobbed.
Olivia buried her face in her hair. "Me too."
EOEOEOEO
Elliot pushed through the door of the apartment building and stopped outside on the sidewalk. He paced back and forth, seething with frustration. He had no idea where he was going to go; he just needed to get away. Before he said something he would really be sorry for.
He looked at the keys in his hands, but decided against getting in the car. He pulled out his phone and found his friend Terry's number. He hit send, and was thankful when Terry actually picked up the phone.
"Hey." Terry said. "Good to hear from you."
"Yeah, sorry I haven't called sooner. It's been kind of crazy." Elliot said.
"What's up?" Terry said and Elliot assumed he heard the strain in his voice.
"Tough day. I don't suppose you could meet me for a beer?" He just needed to talk to someone, and he and Terry had talked a lot before. The first time Olivia had left him. If he wasn't so miserable, he would smile at the irony in that.
"Sure. I can be there in 30." He said.
"Thanks man." Elliot didn't have to ask where. It was the same spot they'd always met. The same place he'd run into him just a couple months ago. He hung up the phone and headed out to catch a cab.
He arrived at the bar about twenty minutes later, and scanned the crowd. It was Saturday night and the place was busy. He didn't see Terry, but he did see two open stools at the bar. He nabbed them quickly, and ordered himself a Guinness. He had already downed half of it when Terry walked up and slapped him on the shoulder.
Elliot turned and saw his friend. He stuck out his hand and Terry shook it.
"Good to see you." Terry said as he slid onto the stool next to him. He signaled the bartender and pointed to the Guinness sign. "So…what's going on?"
Elliot took a long drink of his beer and set down the glass, signaling to the bartender for a refill.
"If you're drinking like that, it must be a woman." Terry joked. "Trouble in paradise?" He poked Elliot in the ribs. "You know, that offer still stands to take that one off your hands." He teased.
Elliot shot him a dark look, letting him know he wasn't in the mood for his humor.
"That bad huh?" Terry asked, seeing the look on Elliot's face. "Tell me."
"I don't even where to start." He said.
"Just talk."
Elliot realized he hadn't spoken to Terry in the past two months. "Well first of all, I asked Olivia to marry me."
Terry didn't rush to congratulate him since he didn't know what was going on. "And?"
"She said yes."
"Well, that's good."
"She's pregnant."
"Uh…" Terry hesitated again.
"We planned it." Elliot said. He didn't want Terry to think it was a mistake.
"Congratulations." He said.
Elliot didn't say anything, so Terry pressed on.
"So it sounds like things were going well. You've got a baby on the way. You're getting married." He said. "Wait, are you having second thoughts? You don't want to marry her?"
Elliot looked at him like he was crazy. "Of course I want to marry her. If you remember, I was going to ask her before…"
Terry remembered. He had spent hours talking with Elliot in this very bar. Each baring their souls, telling their stories to each other. "So tell me what's going on."
The bartender interrupted them with the delivery of their beers. Elliot took another long drink. "She's just so damned difficult."
Terry took a drink too, and waited. One thing he had learned about Elliot was that he had to go at his own pace.
"She's reading too much into everything I do and say. I told her I didn't think it was a good idea to go back into police work and suddenly, I don't have any confidence in her anymore. I make a comment about her overdoing it, and I'm being an overprotective ass." He took another sip of beer. "How can she get upset with me for being worried about her?"
Terry started to say something, but Elliot kept going.
"If you ask me, it's her that's the problem. She's always had a problem with commitment. I mean, I know she had a fucked up childhood. First her mother. Then, she had bad experiences with men at a young age. In her adult life, any relationships she's had have been purely physical." It made him sick to think about it. "She learned at a young age that she should never let anyone in. That way, she couldn't get hurt." He shook his head. "But we were different." He shook his head. "At least I'd like to think we were." He took another long drink. "Maybe we weren't. Maybe she can't ever give herself completely to anyone."
Terry didn't know what to say. He had never met Olivia. "I can only comment based on what you've told me, but that doesn't sound like the woman you told me about. It seemed like she really loved you."
"I don't doubt she loves me." Elliot said.
"What did she say?" Terry probed. He knew that sometimes if you were too close to the subject, you couldn't be objective.
"She said maybe things were going too fast." He looked back at Terry. "How in the hell can she say that? We were partners for 7 years. We were together for six months. We were apart almost five years, but I never stopped loving her. And from what I can tell, she didn't stop loving me."
"It sounds to me like she wants the same things you do. She wouldn't have agreed to have a baby if she didn't see a future with you." Terry offered. "Maybe she just doesn't know how to let herself trust someone else completely…"
Elliot shook his head, starting to feel the effects of drinking his two beers so quickly.
"Elliot. It might not be a question of won't. It might be a question of can't."
Elliot motioned for the bartender to bring them each another beer.
"People are a conglomeration of their past experiences. You know that." Terry said, trying to get Elliot to understand what he was saying. "If you love her, you won't give up on her."
"It's up to her now. She had to decide what the hell she wants. I can't do this anymore. I can't worry that one day, she's going to wake up and decide she wants out. If she leaves me again, it'll kill me."
Terry clapped a hand on Elliot's shoulder. "From what I hear…she's the one. Sometimes you have to fight for what you want."
Elliot swiveled on his stool and looked at his friend. "When is it her turn to fight for us?" He took a long drink then, downing half the glass.
EOEOEOEOEO
Elise had finally calmed down and Olivia stood her up. "Mommy's just going to get cleaned up." She said.
"I'm hungry." Elise said, a whine in her voice.
Olivia ran a hand across her face. She wasn't in the mood for a moody child tonight, but she knew Elise was upset after hearing she and Elliot fighting. "OK. I'll make you something in a minute. Go out and curl up on the couch and I'll find a movie for you."
Elise trudged out of the bathroom with sullen look on her face.
Olivia looked in the mirror and was startled by her appearance. She was pale and her cheeks were tear stained. Her eyes were bloodshot, and her t-shirt was wet with Elise's tears. She ran some cold water and splashed some on her face. She brushed her teeth, trying to get the taste of vomit out of her mouth. She walked into her bedroom and dug in a box until she found a clean t-shirt. She took her old one off and put on the new one, and then added a lightweight hoodie. She walked out into the living room and saw Elise look up at her expectantly.
"I want to watch Ariel." She said.
Olivia's eyes flickered to the TV, and she realized that it wasn't even hooked up. The DVD player was nowhere in sight, nor were the DVD's. She ran a hand through her hair.
"How about if we do something else. Why don't you come help me make something to eat?" She tried to infuse her voice with enthusiasm she didn't feel.
"I want to watch Ariel." Elise demanded. "You said I could."
She tried not to lose her patience. None of this was Elise's fault. She walked over to the couch and leaned over the back. "Sweetheart. Listen to me please. Mommy is having a bad day and I know it's not your fault, but I need you to help me out. The TV's not hooked up and we can't watch a movie right now." She needed to avoid a meltdown because she wasn't going to be able to handle it. She saw Elise's eyes stare into hers and she reached up her small hand and rested it on Olivia's cheek.
"I don't want you to be sad Mommy." She said. Elise got up on her knees and put her other hand on Olivia's other cheek. She placed a small kiss on Olivia's nose and then pulled back, looking into her eyes. "Tomorrow will be a gooder day."
Olivia couldn't handle it…the unexpected sweetness of her gesture and her words. She felt the tears brim over her lower lashes and now she was the one crying. Elise stood up and wrapped her arms around Olivia's neck and Olivia wrapped her arms around Elise's small body. She tried not to sob openly, but she buried her face into her small shoulder and let them fall.
EOEOEOEO
Elliot had downed two more beers, and Terry was getting concerned. He had never seen Elliot drink like this and he knew first hand that drinking wasn't the answer.
"I think it's time we took off." Terry said.
Elliot sighed and nodded. He was drunk, and he knew that alcohol mixed with his anger and frustration was not a good combination.
"I'm not sure you should go home." Terry said. "You want to crash at my place?"
Elliot thought about it for a second. He hadn't really planned much past meeting Terry. He agreed that going back to his new apartment wasn't a good option. He could go back to his old apartment. It was technically still his, but there wasn't any furniture there. "Your wife gonna mind?" he asked, slurring his words slightly.
"Nah." He said. "She's used to me bringing drunk friends home."
Elliot raised a brow at him.
"Just kidding. But she won't mind. Let's go."
Elliot pulled his phone out of his pocket and checked to see if he had any messages. He was disappointed to see that he didn't.
Terry snagged the phone from his hand. "I don't think that's a good idea."
"Give me my phone." Elliot said.
Terry shook his head. "You're just going to text her… or worse yet, call her. You'll probably say something you shouldn't. Or she will. Just leave it until morning." He didn't know how they'd left things, but he had to assume she wasn't anxious to hear from him either. Elliot had told them about some of the fights they'd had in the past, and he knew they could be brutal.
Elliot tried to grab it again, but he was a little uneven on his feet and he missed. Terry clapped a hand on his shoulder, and steered him towards the door. "Let's go."
EOEOEOEO
Olivia curled up on the couch and pulled a blanket over her lap. After her breakdown, she and Elise had made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for her. She'd read her a few books while she ate, playing with her hair as they curled up together. By the time she had put Elise back to bed, she was feeling calmer. She had walked back out to the living room, and searched around for her engagement ring. She had dropped it so quickly that she wasn't sure where it was. She panicked when she couldn't find it, and relief coursed through her when her fingers grazed the cool stone where it was wedged between the cushions. She sat down, and held the ring in the palm of her hand.
She wondered where Elliot was now. She looked at her phone on the coffee table, resisting the urge to call him. She knew he was angry. And she knew she had to think things through. His last words rang through her head.
"I think you need to think about why you keep backing away." He had said. "Call me when you figure out what you want."
She knew she wanted him. That had never been the issue. But she knew he knew he was right. If she thought about it, she did have a habit of pushing him away. She thought about the accusations she had hurled at him. She knew that she believed them when she said them, but was it really just her own insecurity that she was projecting on to him? Was she really unable to commit to him completely?
She curled her fist around the ring. She had some things to think about. And she also knew that she couldn't put that ring back on her finger until she had.
