Day 80 & 81.

"It sucks that we miss people like that. You think you've accepted that someone is out of your life, that you've grieved and it's over, and then bam. One little thing, and you feel like you've lost that person all over again."

I'm so sorry I didn't visit you yesterday. I wanted to, but Stacie, CR, Aubrey and Fat Amy seemed to have different plans. They dragged me along to the beach, even though I didn't really want to go.

It's still pretty cold and windy outside, but they seemed to think it's was fine, no matter what the weather was like. Truth be told, I hated it. So while they ran around in the sand, throwing a frisbee around, scouting for seashells, I just sat in the grass watching the waves crash against the shore.

It was so peaceful, Chloe. I was getting lost in the scene when suddenly I heard a voice speaking to me. Your voice. I could feel your presence next to me, and I could feel it when you wrapped your arm around my neck, leaning your head onto my shoulder. When I finally dared to look over at you, you were smiling that smile that always had my heart rate rapidly increasing.

"I love the beach, Becs. It's beautiful, right?"

I was too overwhelmed to give you an answer, and the sobs that wracked through my body made it impossible for me to speak or even move. The others noticed almost immediately, and rushed to my side. They carried me away, even as I screamed your name, begging for you to come back.

Today I have to spend the entire day with Aubrey, who offered to keep me under her wing for the night. I refused at first, but after much insisting that I was for my own best, I angrily agreed.

We didn't really do anything all day. We didn't talk much. We've never had much in common, except for you, and Aubrey refuses to speak about you. I think it's disrespectful, but I guess we all deal with grief in our own way.

I'm still so sorry I couldn't come, Chloe.