Heyo!
So I got a horrible idea to do an Olympics themed thing. That's what this is.
A quick shout out thewhitepatch for helping me finish this and for letting me use his Vault Hunters from Wayward Son: A Claptrap Story (go check it out).
Also, I finally got out my Zer0 and Gaige chapter fic. It's called Mysterious Ways. If you like my femZer0 oneshots than go check out Mysterious Ways.
I don't own Borderlands.
I don't own any of the OC's here, those belong to thewhitepatch.
Enjoy!
Pandoran Olympics
"So what was this about again?" Brick asked.
The Vault Hunters were gathered together in Moxxi's bar, waiting for Moxxi to show up. She had previously asked the Vault Hunters to come find her there but when they had shown up, Moxxi was nowhere to be found.
"Moxxi said she had a job for us." Axton answered.
"Well then where is she?"
"I'm right behind ya sugar."
The Vault Hunters turned around and saw Mad Moxxi standing next to the front door.
"Awesome, what's this about?" Brick asked.
"Patience sugar, patience."
Moxxi walked past the Vault Hunters and up to the bar itself. She perched herself on a barstool and leaned back against the bar.
"Earlier today I got contacted by the Torgue corporation. It seems that since you Vault Hunters and I made an appearance during the broadcast to find the ultimate badass, we've been in rather... high demand."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Maya asked.
"It means that they want us to star in another Torgue sponsored event."
"What sort of event?" Axton questioned.
"Are you aware of what the Olympics are sugar?"
"It's that one thing." Salvador said. "With the sports."
"Put simply... Yes." Moxxi said.
"What does this have to do with us?" Maya asked.
"Well sugar..." Moxxi said. "The Torgue corporation is going to sponsor a Pandoran Olympics, and they want you to compete as athletes."
"So we play sports? That sounds boring." Brick said. "I like killing things."
"Don't worry sugar. I already took care of that. You see, did a little bit of persuading the board of directors to shake things up a bit."
"What do you mean shake things up?" Lilith asked.
"They've agreed to make the events more reflective of Pandora. In other words... They're going to be a lot more violent. With a significantly better chance of death and dismemberment."
"Now that's what I'm talking about." Brick said. "When do we start?"
Later...
Four people were sitting together on a couch. One woman dressed in military styled gear with a red beret, next to her was a young blonde haired man with a black shirt and orange vest, next to him a slightly older man in a jacket and wide brimmed hat, and next him on the end of the couch was an older man in a medical mask.
"What is it that we're watching again?" The man with the vest asked.
"The Pandoran Olympics." The woman answered.
"Right..." He said. "Why?"
"Because its supposed to be interesting." The one in the hat said.
"Alright then. What are we waiting for?"
"For you to shut up so we can watch." The one in the mask said.
"Come on, be nice to the kid Ted."
"Sorry. I'm just looking forward to this. Got some money on it."
The one in the hat turned on the TV and an image appeared. That of a woman in a low cut dress and a rather muscular man next to her.
"Welcome viewers across the six galaxies to the first ever Pandoran Olympics, sponsored by the Torgue Corporation. I'm Mad Moxxi and I'll be hosting these games along with my co-host Mr. Torgue."
"HELLO!"
"Founder and part owner of the Torgue corporation."
"THIS IS TRUE!"
"Anyway, why don't we get started. the first event on the schedule is ice hockey. Now, we go to our live feed from Fink's Slaughter house."
The image cut to a run down building with the floor completely covered in a layer of ice.
"Ladies and gentlemen, lets meet the players. First on the ice, one of the original Vault Hunters, the Slab King himself, Brick!"
A hulk of a man skated onto the ice and into the middle of the arena.
"Next, the shortest, hairiest, most badass dwarf on Pandora... Salvador the gunzerker!"
A considerably smaller man skated out to center ice.
"And our final player, the craziest Vault Hunter on Pandora, the destroyer of flesh, the- I'm not saying that."
"I'll do it!" Torgue said.
"Be my guest sugar."
"The conductor of the poop train, KRIEG!"
A large psycho skated out next to the other two.
"So I've hear that there were changes to the games to make them more like everything else on Pandora, is this true Moxxi?"
"Yes it is Mr. Torgue. For example, rather than being a traditional hockey game, these three Vault Hunters are going to be fighting waves of bandits."
"So it's really just murder on ice?"
"That just about sums it up."
"In that case, I envy the Vault Hunters right now. Cause that sounds F*CKING AWESOME!"
"Yes it does Torgue. Now, it look like we're just about to begin. Lets get things started in here."
A horde of buzz ax wielding psychos poured out of an open door at the end of the rink.
They skated towards the Vault Hunters and who pulled out various weapons to combat them.
Brick digistructed Sledge's Hammer, Salvador grabbed a metal hockey stick and Krieg pulled out his buzz ax.
"Now remember everyone, this fight is strictly hands on. No guns or explosives. Just melee weapons and fists."
The Vault Hunters started skating towards the psychos and met them halfway.
Brick started swinging wildly at the psychos. His hammer impacted one right in the gut and the psycho flew several dozen feet backwards into a group of psychos. The group tumbled onto the ice in a giant heap.
"Hell yeah!" Brick screamed.
Salvador slammed his hockey stick onto the ice and skated straight for the psychos. He kept his stick low to the ground and swung it at the psychos ankles. They fell over each other into a large pile of flailing bodies.
Krieg skated by next and started swinging his buzzax at the pile, killing most if the psychos. Within a minute all but one of the psychos were dead.
The remaining psycho stood in the center of the three Vault Hunters shaking uncontrollably.
He pulled out a pistol and shot himself in the face.
"That was it?" Salvador asked. "I wanted excitement!"
"Yeah, that was easy." Brick added.
"I REQUIRE MORE DEATH TO SATISFY LIFE!"
"And that's the end of round one of seventy eight." Moxxi's voice announced.
The Vault Hunters were silent.
"Say what?" Brick said.
The buzzer sounded and another horde of psychos appeared.
"We're going to take a break from hockey for a little while and meanwhile- Torgue? What are you doing?"
"I'M GOING TO GO PLAY HOCKEY!"
"Torgue you can't just join in the middle of the game."
"WATCH ME!"
"We're uh... We're going to take a break while I try to talk some sense into him."
The screen cut to a commercial.
"Well that was... Interesting." Ted said.
"Yeah... Interesting." The others replied.
After a short advertisement for Torgue weapons the Pandoran Olympics came back on.
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES AND OR MURDER?!" Torgue screamed.
"Yes I do Torgue, but I don't believe that you needed to kill all of the waves at once with a freakishly powerful grenade mod."
"BUT IT WAS AWESOME!" He protested.
"I still think it was excessive, and probably against the rules."
"WHATEVER, I BELIEVE THAT THAT WAS THE MOST AWESOME DISPLAY OF ANYTHING SOMEWHAT RESEMBLING A SPORT I'VE EVER SEEN!"
Authors Note: I have no idea how hockey works.
"Alright ladies and gentlemen, we now take you to our live coverage of the freestyle snowboarding competition at Gingerton.
"I was always a big fan of watching things fall down mountains Moxxi."
"That's a bit odd... Anyway, here it is, our live footage of the freestyle snowboarding event."
The image cut to two people standing on top of a large slope. One was a young woman in a skirt and sleeveless blue hoodie, the other an older man in military garb.
"There are our athletes for the event. The mechromancer Gaige and the commando Axton."
"I have to say Moxxi, my money is on the mechromancer."
"And why is that Torgue?"
"Because I'm a firm believer that youth is capable of winning against experience. Also, she's got a metal arm that summons murderous robot companion and that's just F*CKING AWESOME!"
"Yes it is. Now they're just about to start their run, let's watch shall we?"
"I think they're making a mockery of sport as we know it." The man in the hat said.
"Shut up Hyzin. This is interesting. Besides, I know that guy."
"You know him?"
"Yeah, we were in the Dahl military together."
"Misty, you know someone who's cool and you never told us?" The guy in the orange vest asked.
"Shut up Clyde."
The four of them went back to watching the event.
"And here we go ladies and gentlemen, the freestyle snowboarding event."
A starter pistol went off and the two Vault Hunters took off down the side of the slope.
Axton sped out in front, with Gaige close behind him. She pulled out a pistol and fired a few rounds at him. He dogged them and pulled out his own pistol and fired back at her. Then the commando went up a small ramp in the snow and went airborne.
As he was in the air he fired a few shots back at the mechromancer, most of which hit the ground right in front of her.
"So are they just going to try and kill each other Moxxi?"
"Nope, this is actually a team event Torgue. I'm pretty sure they're just teasing each other. Either that or someone forgot to tell them it was a team sport. They'll figure it out soon enough though."
"And why's that?"
"Because somewhere in the next hundred meters or so they're going to meet the competition."
Suddenly, a number of Hyperion turrets popped up from underneath the snow and began firing at the Vault Hunters.
The two of them stopped shooting at each other and turned their attention to the turrets.
Axton pulled out a Dahl assault rifle and fired at the turrets, while Gaige did the same with a Maliwan SMG.
They took out a few of the turrets but more popped out of the snow.
On top of that, a number of loaders skiing down the slope started shooting at them from behind.
Axton moved his way towards Gaige and got as close as he could.
"Gaige!" Axton called out. "I got an idea!"
"What?"
"You see that tree up there?" He shouted pointing to a thin looking spruce about a hundred meters downhill.
"Yeah I see it!"
"Can you cut it down with your claw?"
"You bet your ass I can."
"Then do that."
"Why?"
"Just do it."
Gaige shrugged and aimed herself towards the tree. As she passed it, she stuck out her robot arm and cut it clean in half.
The tree fell over and started sliding down the slope with the Vault Hunters.
"Hey you big bastards!" Axton shouted at the loaders. "You wanna meet my girlfriend?"
He threw the turret at the tree and it latched itself to the tree. The turret deployed and started firing at the loaders.
"An amazing display of teamwork! Wouldn't you agree Moxxi?"
"Very much so Mr. Torgue."
The two Vault Hunters continued down the mountain along with the tree. Hyperion loaders and turrets were falling left and right.
They neared the end of the slope and finish line at the bottom.
Both Vault Hunters began to ignore the turrets and put everything into their speed.
"It's gonna be a close one Moxxi! It's Axton out in front, no it's Gaige. THIS IS SO EXCITING!"
Axton inched out just a little bit ahead of Gaige. She took her SMG and fired at Axton. He fell to the ground but his momentum kept up and he crossed the finish line a second before Gaige.
Axton's corpse digistructed and then reappeared at a nearby New-U station.
"Moxxi, what exactly is the ruling on dying before you cross the finish line?"
"I have no idea Torgue. But it's a team sport so I guess it doesn't really matter that much."
"I suppose not. But it's still pretty awesome that the winner was a dead guy. That's TOTALY BADASS!"
"You're right about that Torgue. Anyway, up next, figure skating. We take you back to Fink's Slaughterhouse, which had been cleaned up a bit since the Massacre on Ice earlier. Which my co-host had no small part in."
"I stand by my actions."
"Whatever you say. Anyway, we now bring you back to Fink's Slaughterhouse for the figure skating competition. Anything to add Mr. Torgue?"
"Yes, quite frankly this sounds incredibly boring. Who exactly watches this sport Moxxi?"
"Lots of people Torgue. People with more refined tastes."
"I'm pretty sure that was an insult."
"It was. Anyway we take you live to Fink's Slaughterhouse for the figure skating competition. Also I regret to inform the audience that Mr. Torgue will be the sole commentator for this event, seeing as I'm a judge."
"Don't worry Moxxi, I'm gonna make this AWESOME!"
"That's what I'm afraid of."
"We'll be right back, after a short break!"
The screen cut to a commercial.
"So... Do we actually want to watch figure skating?"
"I don't know. It's not really my thing. What'd you think Hyzin?"
"Eh."
"Thanks for being helpful. How about you Misty? I'm sure you want to watch it."
"Why would I care?"
"Cause you're a girl and into girly things?"
"Clyde, when have I ever been into girly things?"
"There was that time you tried to seduce Commander Rhodes. I'm pretty sure she counts as girly."
"Shut the fuck up Hyzin. That's not what I meant."
"Shush. It's back on." Ted said.
They went back to watching the events. The screen showed Mr. Torgue sitting calmly behind a desk, with a visibly annoyed and slightly bruised and burned Moxxi sitting next to him.
"Hello people, this is Mr. Torgue. We're back at the first ever Pandoran Olympics. I regret to inform you that figure skating event has been cancelled do to lack of venue."
"You blew up the Slaughterhouse."
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Don't play dumb. You destroyed the Slaughterhouse because you don't like figure skating!"
"I have no recollection of these events."
"You tried to kill all of the judges. Including me!"
"That does not ring a bell."
"You dropped a moonshot barrage on top of the Slaughterhouse! And then tossed grenades at the athletes."
"THAT WAS F*CKING AWESOME! I mean, what are you talking about?"
Moxxi sighed.
"Unfortunately because of an unfortunate turn of events, figure skating will not take place this year. So instead, we now take you to the speed skating event, happening live in Southern Shelf. Unless my co-host wants to blow that up too..."
The picture cut to a large, winding ice track carved into one of the icebergs at Southern Shelf. Lined up at start were Zer0, Lilith, Maya, and Sir Hammerlock.
Claptrap stood by the edge of the track holding a pistol. He pointed it up at the sky and fired it. The racers took off.
Lilith and Zer0 both disappeared as the siren went into a phaselock and the assassin entered deception. This left Maya and Sir Hammerlock standing there in surprise.
"Where did they go?" Maya asked.
"I have no idea. Perhaps they- Gah!"
Hammerlock dropped to the ground as Zer0 exited deception behind him and stabbed him through the gut with his katana.
Maya phaselocked the assassin, leaving him helpless in the air.
But suddenly Lilith exited her phasewalk right behind her and the explosion knocked Maya down, causing the phaselock to fail. Lilith didn't waste any time putting a bullet into the other siren.
She looked across the track at the assassin.
"See you at the finish."
"Eat my dust." The assassin said entering deception.
Lilith went into another phasewalk and the two of them (presumably) took off down the track.
"MOXXI, I CAN'T SEE SH*T. WHO'S WINNING?"
"I have no idea Torgue. But we'll know soon enough."
"Why's that?"
"Because as with every other course here, the ice track has a little surprise for the skaters."
"What sort of surpri- HOLY SH*T! IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS?"
"Yes it is Mr. Torgue. Yes it is."
The image cut to something further down the track. It was Tiny Tina, standing on a platform, with an entire battery of rockets behind her.
"'Sup suckas?!" She screamed before slamming down a plunger.
The rockets behind her took off and went flying towards the track. They impacted the track, breaking the ice, creating large cracks in the skating surface and destroying entire sections of track.
One of the explosions knocked Lilith out of her phasewalk and she collapsed to the ground. She picked herself up and started skating again but didn't go back into a phasewalk.
Another rocket knocked Zer0 out of deception and sent him flying forward and into a barrier. The assassin crumpled to the ground and didn't get back up
Lilith half skated half limped across the rest of the track and crossed the finish line.
"Ha!" She exclaimed.
"You lost." A voice said.
She turned around and saw Zer0 standing there with a gold medal around his neck.
"Huh? But back there you hit the barrier and you- Deception?"
"Deception."
"You bastard."
The image cut back to Torgue and Moxxi.
The two of them were engaged in a passionate kiss and were apparently unaware that they were back on the air.
"Shouldn't someone tell them they're back on?" Clyde asked.
"I don't know." Hyzin said. "Besides I think Misty's enjoying it."
"Shut the fuck up Hyzin."
They went back to looking at the screen. The two of them were beginning to undress.
"Shouldn't they at least cut to a commercial or something?" Clyde asked.
"Probably." Misty muttered.
Ted stood up and started walking away.
"Where you going Ted?" Hyzin asked. "I think we're finally at the good part."
"There's too much sex on the TV already." He muttered as he walked away.
Authors Note: Congratulations to all of the countries who have won medals in the Olympics. Except Finland. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER FINLAND.
(I'm going to apologize in advance to the one guy from Finland who follows me. Please don't hate me.)
Authors Other Note: I'm of the opinion that the only reason Canadians don't sweep the Winter Olympics is because moose wrangling is not yet an official sport.
(Please don't hate me either Canadians.)
