D'Artagnan

He was shocked when Constance entered the room. He was not really sure if he wanted to see her. She was the memory of his lost life, the life which never could be his. He tried to ignore her, but it became more and more difficult when he was left alone with her again. She coaxed him into eating. The food seemed to be tasteless, but he ate in the hope she would leave. He would never have thought he would want the love of his life to leave him, but it hurt so much to look at her. He did not deserve to see her. She should go back to the palace, where her place was- not waste her time with him. She had been right to not want to share her life with him.

Six months. Only six months, and then he would be free to die.

But how was he supposed to last that long?! How?!

"Why are you here?" he asked harshly, once more becoming aware of her presence.

"Your brothers asked me to stay with you," she replied.

"Shouldn't you be at the Palace?"

"The Queen granted me leave so I could take care of my injured friend."

"If I were actually injured, you'd be welcome to… but… that's not the case."

"Tell me what happened. They… said only that you were close to death."

"And did Aramis tell you that he has blackmailed me?" he spat angrily. "That it's his fault that I am still here?! That I can't even look at him because I see over and over again what they did to him? What he allowed to be done to him in order to save me, when all I wanted was to die?! I can't accept his sacrifice. I don't want to… I saw the light dying in his eyes. Do you know what it is like to see only darkness in your brother's eyes? He gave up everything – his honor, his dignity. Do you even know how cruel I am being to him?! All I want to do is to avoid him, because he is a vivid reminder of the moments I wish had been erased from my memory! He was there for me, Constance, even during the worst of it. He could barely talk, but he made the effort to speak... to anchor me. And… I… I can't look him in the eye… What kind of monster am I?!"

"You're not a monster." Constance gently touched his face. D'Artagnan leaned into her touch, although he knew it was wrong. He should pull away from her, not hide his face in her palm.

"D'Artagnan…" she sat on the bed next to him. He breathed in the scent of lavender and thyme. Her scent. "How did Aramis blackmail you?" she asked.

"He said he will kill himself if I commit suicide… why does he want me to live so badly? Why do they all want me to live?! Why are they so kind to me?! Although I know the truth. I know that Porthos won't ever forgive me for the pain I inflicted on Aramis…"

"Nonsense!" she said firmly. "Porthos is worried about you."

"He shouldn't waste his time. I am not worthy! I… they don't know… they haven't seen… they… have only drawn some conclusions from the bits and pieces they do know about. They don't know how afraid I was, how disgusting I was… I lost everything, Constance! I know I've lost them too… even if they don't see it yet. They will reject me. It is just a matter of time. I can see how upset Athos is with me. I can see...Why is he so disgusted with me when it wasn't me…" D' Artagnan started to tell his tale. Once he began, he could not stop. The pain and fear mixed the things he actually remembered with the scenes he had imagined, such as his terrible fear when Aramis was blinded. He lost track of reality. The hideous hallucinations and nightmares were becoming one with things which really had happened...things which had been confirmed by others or by the marks on his body.

His utter despair.

His doubts in the brotherhood, which was the last thing anchoring him to the life.

He suddenly realized he was in a tight embrace. An embrace which did not smell of wine and powder. The delicate fabric of a dress was under his cheek. Bewildered, he lifted his head to look into Constance's face, which was wet with tears.

"Oh, God… you were here! You… you heard everything!"

"I have listened to everything," Constance corrected him. She gently took his face in her hands. He stared at her. He knew he was supposed to react somehow. But he could only watch her blue eyes, so bright from tears. He looked to her as if a spell had been cast on him. She slowly closed the distance between them, then gently kissed his lips.

"Constance, why?" he whispered, amazed.

"Because I love you, idiot!"

"After everything I said?!"

"Yes! You're… you're still the man who taught me what it means to love someone. You're the best man I know, d'Artagnan."

He did not see pity in her eyes. She cherished him, and he did not really understood why. They had not been together that many months, and many harsh words had been said. They had hurt each other multiple times. And now, when she was free to walk away, she had chosen to be with him.

"Constance…" Once he had started to talk, he felt he could not stop. "I want them to reject me sooner rather than later. I dread that moment, " he whispered. "I try to avoid Athos... I pretend to be asleep because it hurts too much to see him upset with me..."
"Why should he be upset with you?" she asked gently.

D'Artagnan wanted to answer her, but suddenly he was not sure if his words would make any sense.

Deep in his heart, he knew that Athos would not blame him for the things which had been done to him. However, his mentor might hate him for his failed escape attempt, which in the end had nearly killed Aramis. He was guilty of murdering his brother in the most atrocious way possible.

"What?!" Constance's shocked voice interrupted his thoughts. He realized to his horror that he was saying them out loud.

"It was my fault that we were caught again!"

"I think they have forgiven you for your stupid idea to sneak away and die. And as far as I know, Aramis is alive. So – you did not kill him, nor did you inadvertently cause his death."

"He died, Constance! The man I knew does not exist anymore!"

"Maybe… Or maybe not. Do not treat him like a lost cause. But we are not talking about Aramis, but about you. So why do you think such negative thoughts about Athos?"

"The way I'm acting now... it's disgusting. I am not strong enough to cope with the pain, the humiliation…" he trailed off, unable to find the words to express his thoughts.

"Athos is worried about you. He wants to help you recover. He is not judging you."

"I know..." And in that moment, he really did believe it. " But I am afraid he will reject me. I've always been afraid of it, and now… the fear is much worse."

She gently stroked his hair.

"He won't," she declared firmly.

Someone knocked on the door. Constance opened it, said a few words, then closed it and returned to her place next to him. She placed her head on his arm, and entwined her fingers into his. He felt completely drained, and closed his eyes.

"You should rest," she said quietly. "I'll be here. I'm not going anywhere," she promised, her voice soft. He lay down as a wave of fatigue hit him. Constance glanced at the chair near the bed, but must have decided against it. She lay down next to him, and he curled up against her body. It felt so… natural...so right. He slowly relaxed, and drifted off to sleep.

Thank you, Riversidewren.