A/N: Boy, I really wanted to write some fluff after that mean chapter.
Chapter 54: Don't Hate
Freddie and Dogmeat walked me to the mess hall. I stayed silent when spoken to and avoided eye contact at all costs. Charon had left the Citadel for a while to "calm down" and leave me alone. He didn't want to be near me. No one did. Hell, I didn't even want to be near me.
"Aren't you going to eat? You haven't actually eaten anything by yourself in two days," Freddie put his hand over mine clutching the fork tightly with no intention on actually using it.
"Only because I'm pregnant. If I wasn't, I wouldn't eat. I don't feel hungry, but I know I need to feel hungry. I feel all kinds of fucked up right now."
Dogmeat rested his head on my knees and peered up at me from under the table. He either wanted my food or he knew something wasn't right. I ran my fingers over his ear and slipped him a chunk of old steak.
"Eleanor, you need to stop feeling so sorry for yourself all of the time. Sure, you can feel bad about what's going on but not all of the time. You can't live your life dwelling on all the shitty things that happen," Freddie said from across the table.
He was right. I needed to stop this. I can miss my dad but I don't have to completely envelope my life in self pity. "I never thought about that. No one ever calls me out on things I don't even notice that I do."
He shrugged and stuffed a forkful of instant mashed potatoes in his mouth. "I know. That's why I'm doing it."
I stabbed at the tough meat on my plate and forced myself to eat it. After several bites, I actually started feeling as hungry as I should have. "I don't know what I'm going to do about Charon."
"Yeah, I was going to ask about what happened but I didn't know when to bring it up."
I shrugged. "I was angry and hurting and I just wanted a reaction. For some sick reason, I wanted him to hurt. I wanted him to feel my pain. I didn't want to hurt alone. So I told him I hated him. I could have said literally anything else, but I chose to say that for some reason."
He swept his overgrown brown bangs out of his equally brown eyes. "You don't hate him. He knows you don't. And honestly, I don't think he thinks you're a shitty person. He just wanted to hurt you back. But I don't know. I don't usually know what I'm talking about."
After several moments, my plate was empty. Dogmeat huffed and went to Freddie, whose plate was still half uneaten. I rubbed my stomach subconsciously. "I don't know how to fix this."
"Honestly," he took another bite and wiped his mouth with his sleeve. "Wait until he cools down and then talk it out with him. Tell him you were just angry and didn't want to hurt alone. Maybe he'll apologize for calling you a shitty person but I'm not speaking for him."
Hours had passed and he still hadn't come back. I had curled on my side on the cot and hugged the pillow tightly, facing the wall. The pillow wasn't him and he wasn't coming back for a while. Dogmeat was curled at the foot of my bed and Freddie was god knows where.
A hesitant knock on my door sounded and I just knew it was Sarah, the daughter of the head of the Brotherhood on the east coast. The door opened and I looked over my shoulder to tell her to go away and my stomach dropped. It was Charon.
I sat up quickly and my hair fluffed around me like a wild lion's mane. "...Charon."
"Mistress," he said curtly.
I shook my head. "Please don't do this, Charon. I'm so sorry I said what I did. I didn't mean any of it. I was just so mad and I wanted you to hurt with me. I don't know what's wrong with me."
Charon sighed heavily and pulled the chair out from under the desk and sat down. "I know you didn't mean it. I always feared that you would grow to resent me for the things I have done to you. I never bothered worrying with my appearances. If you didn't show any interest in me, then I would. But I always thought it would be my shitty track record."
I shook my head and slipped out of the bed. I crawled into his lap and wrapped myself around him entirely. I rested my head on his shoulder and he held me tightly. "I don't even think about it. I would never hate you, Charon. I love you so much and I was stupid and cruel for saying it."
His ruined lips pressed to my cheek and kissed me gently. "I love you so fucking much. I don't think you're a shitty person."
I let out a shaky breath with a small smile. "Thank god. At least one of us has to believe there's something good in me."
"Hey, hey," he pulled my chin up to face him. "Don't say things like that. You are a good person. You just don't always know what's the best thing to do. And that's expected. You are young. You are human."
A sharp pain jolted through my stomach and Charon held me back and stared at my belly in amazement. "I think she's kicking again."
His eyes trailed up my body and locked with mine. A wide grin spread across his face and his eyes lit up. "She is."
I placed his hand over my belly and he closed his eyes. More small kicks here and there. He moved his hand around trying to feel them directly. A kick connected with the tip of his fingers and he let out a small gasp. He opened his eyes and smiled even wider.
Moments like this were what got me through the day. Moments between the three of us and the rest of the world is shut out. It's just me, him, and our baby. I could feel how amazing of a father he'll be. The sheer happiness brought tears to my eyes. I wiped them away quickly, but not before Charon noticed.
"What is wrong?" He moved both hands to cup my face and I held his wrists loosely with a smile and more tears slipping.
"I love you so much. I can't wait to meet her," I whispered.
He sighed in relief and pressed his forehead to mine and we closed our eyes. "I love you, too. You're going to the greatest mother a child can ask for."
