Chapter 41: Pizza Ten-Hut!
It was a nice afternoon in the backyard where Zack decided to throw a barbeque in the backyard. All their good friends and neighbors were invited and everyone was having a good time.
"Great barbeque, Murdock," said Joe as he and Bonnie walked(or wheeled in Joe's case) by with little Suzy around Bonnie's arm.
"Glad you're having a good time. And what an adorable little girl she is," said Zack "Wait, didn't you guys used to have a teenage son?"
"Nope," said Joe.
"Alrighty, then," said Zack, "Okay, Dogs are done! Come and get them!"
Raven was the first one to get her hot dog.
"The hot dog," lamented Raven, "What was once pieces of many an animal is now infused into one penis shaped death. One must wonder what the tortured souls of these animals were thinking as they were slaughtered into processed meat. Perhaps their souls are still floating, seeking vengeance upon those who had wronged them and robbed them of life. And when these animals return, behind them they will leave open the very gates of hell itself!"
Everyone else stares at Raven in awkward silence.
"...I mean, please pass the horseradish?" asked Raven sheepishly.
"I don't like horseradish," said Jillian, "Just the fact that they have to kill those poor horsies to make it makes me sick."
"Jillian, horseradish isn't made from horses," said Meg.
"I'm pretty sure it is," said Jillian, "I mean, it would be stupid to call it horseradish for any other reason."
"Anyway, it's too bad Cleveland moved away," said Zack, "I guess your little quartet's become a trio, huh?"
"Actually, the guys and I were thinking you could... be our new Cleveland," said Peter.
"Like hell I wanna be your Cleveland!" responded Zack, "I can't even stand hanging out with you! What makes you think I wanna be your Cleveland?"
"What? You're saying you're too good to be Cleveland?" asked Joe.
"I didn't say that!" retorted Zack.
"Well, you sure seem defensive about being the new Cleveland," said Quagmire.
"I can't replace Cleveland," said Zack, "Do I look like a big black guy?"
"Oh, so because you're white, you think you're too good to be Cleveland," said Peter, "You sir are a racist."
"I'm not a racist," said Zack, "I just don't think I can replace Cleveland-"
"You're a racist," said Peter, "That's why you like metal, because most black people don't like metal and they are hip hop fans which is the exact opposite of metal."
HEY! I like metal and hate hip hop... Yeah, I'm bad at being black...
"Okay, you want a new Cleveland? You got a new Cleveland!" said Zack as he tried to put out his best Cleveland impression, "Hey yall! I am the propieter of this delicacent. Oh Loretta!"
"...Eh.... nevermind. We don't need a new Cleveland after all," said Peter, "...You racist bastard..."
"There's something I want to ask you," said Lois, "Just why are throwing this barbeque?"
"Yeah, is there a special occasion or something?" asked Valerie.
"As a matter of fact, there is," said Zack, "Do you want to tell them?"
"I think you should," said Meg.
"Oh my god, Meg is pregnant again?" asked Lois.
"Even better," said Zack, "I'm quitting the brewery!"
Everyone then all gasped collectively at this startling revelation.
"Oh my god!" said Chris, "We don't have any mustard to put on my hot dog! Oh the humanity!"
"Are you insane?" asked Valerie, "What about your family? How are you going to support them?"
"Anyone remember Cleveland's old deli?" asked Zack, "You know, the one that nobody remembers and goes to anymore?"
"Well, Zack and I decided to save up our money and buy it," said Meg, "We're going to open our own business."
"What kind of business are you going to run?" asked Brian.
"We're going to run a pizza parlor!" said Meg.
"It's been a childhood dream of mine to run a pizza parlor," said Zack.
"And I'm going to be co-owner, so I won't be needing you guys to buy me anything anymore," said Meg.
"That's wonderful, sweetie," said Lois, "Isn't this wonderful, Peter?"
"What the hell is this crap?" asked Peter annoyed, "I was one of Cleveland's best friends. Why did he sell the building to you and not ME?"
"Okay, everyone who still has their business license raise your hand," said Zack as he rose his hand and nobody else, "Huh? Nobody? Thought so."
"C'mon! I've run plenty of businesses," said Peter.
"Face it, Peter. You're a terrible business man," said Brian.
"Yeah? Name one bad business decision I made," said Peter.
"Remember that time you ran that exotic pet store?" asked Brian.
Flashback
A man walks into Peter's pets store.
"I'm looking for a nice pet for my 5 year old daughter," said the man.
"I've got just the thing," said Peter as he pulled out a boa constrictor, "A boa constrictor!"
The boa leaps from Peter's arms and begins to constrict the man tightly as he falls to the floor, gasping for air.
"See? He's cuddling you," said Peter.
End Flashback
The next day, the entire family decides to a look at the old deli. To their surprise, the deli was a mess. Dust covered the table, the counters still had meat in them which was now rotting, and the place had been tagged and grafitti'd by vandals.
"What the hell?" asked Zack, "This place looks like it hasn't been cleaned in years!"
"Cleveland hardly comes here anymore," said Lois, "In fact, we all sorta forgot he had a deli."
"Gawd! I didn't know rancid meat could smell this bad!" said Maddie as she held her nose.
"It smells just like a killer's basement," said Stewie as Maddie stared at him, "Not that I'd know what a killer's basement would smell like... yeah..."
"There's only one thing to do," said Zack, "Everyone grab a mop and some dust pans. We're going to have to clean this place up."
"I'll start by getting rid of the rotten meat," said Peter, "Meg, get out!"
"Peter, cut that out!" said Lois angrily.
"I'll have to assign everyone a job to do," said Zack, "Lois, you and Meg clean out the meat. Peter, you clean out the freezer. Brian, you clean up the graffiti. I'll mop the floor and dust the tables."
"What about me?" asked Chris.
"I guess you get bathroom duty," said Zack.
After Chris puts on gloves, goggles, and a mask, and grabs a plunger.
"Bathroom duty doesn't sound too hard," said Chris.
"Here's some advise from someone who's cleaned toilets at a 7 Eleven," said Zack, "Whatever you do, do NOT look directly into the toilet."
As Chris walks into the bathroom, Zack begins mopping the floor. He stops for a minute and looks at his watch.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" screamed Chris from within the toilet.
"Yep, he looked," said Zack.
Over at the walls, Maddie was curiously reading all of the graffiti. To most people, vandalism is vandalism. To her, however, it was just a bunch of colorful letters and nonsense that she hadn't seen before except in the opening of Fresh Prince episodes. There was one message she couldn't really read...
"Brian, I can't read this word," said Maddie, "What does that say?"
"Let's see," said Brian, "President Obama is a dirty n- OH MY GOD!"
"What was that n word?" asked Maddie.
"Nothing. It's nothing," said Brian.
"So Obama is a dirty nothing?" asked Maddie.
"Sure, sure! God, some of things people write," said Brian as he began cleaning it off, "People write some of the most pig headed, bigoted, ignorant things. Did they ever stop to think that children could take a look?"
"What does that one say?" asked Maddie.
"Let's see," said Brian, "Bush is a lying, big eared, monkey faced fag."
Brian cleans off the Obama graffiti and skips over the Bush graffiti to clean off the next.
"Aren't you gonna clean that one?" asked Maddie.
"That one's art, not graffiti," said Brian.
"Haaaaaaa.... hypocritical humor..." chuckled Stewie from far away.
A few days later, the family was in front of the newly remodeled deli, which was now Murdock's Pizza.
"I hereby christen this new Pizza Parlor.... OPEN!" shouted Peter, as a broke a wine bottle against the wall.
"I just cleaned that wall, too..." muttered Lois.
A little later, Meg is at the register taking everybody's orders and money as Zack walks in to check.
"So, how's everything going, hon?" asked Zack.
"Business is booming," said Meg, "This place is packed with customers.
"No bad for a first day," said Zack, "Let's hope we can keep this up."
"Excuse, me," said a random stranger, "Didn't this used to be a deli run by a black guy."
"Yeah, he left Quahog," said Zack.
"Too bad, because I always used to order sandwiches here regularly," said the man, "I'm with this place being a pizza parlor run by a white guy because it's just so different."
"Oh, We don't just make pizza," said Zack, "We also make sandwiches, too."
Meanwhile in the kitchen, Maddie and Stewie were preparing some sandwiches for the customers.
"So how are those sandwiches coming along?" asked Maddie.
"Rather nicely if I do say so myself," said Stewie, "I just need to add a little tomato, a little cheese, a little ham, and the finishing touch: some Miracle WHip."
"What did you just say?" asked Maddie.
"What? I said Miracle WHip," said Stewie, "You can't have a sandwich without Miracle WHip."
"It's pronounced Miracle Whip," said Maddie.
"That's what I said," said Stewie, "Miracle WHip."
"No, you said Miracle WHip, not Miracle Whip," said Maddie.
"Why did you say Miracle WHip twice?" asked Stewie, "Is there something I'm not getting?"
"Yeah, the fact that you're saying Miracle Whip wrong!" said Maddie.
"How am I saying Miracle WHip wrong?" asked Stewie, "Who can say Miracle WHip wrong?"
"Apparently you can!" said Maddie, "The H is supposed to be silent! You don't say the H in Miracle Whip! It sounds stupid!"
"I don't pronounce the H in Miracle WHip!" said Stewie.
"You just did!" said Maddie, "It's Miracle Whip! Now say it right!"
"I am saying it right! Miracle WHip," asked Stewie.
"Miracle Whip!" shouted Maddie.
"Miracle WHip!" said Stewie.
"MIRACLE WHIP!!!" shouted Maddie louder.
"Miracle WHip," said Stewie.
"MIRACLE WHIIIIIIIP!!!" screamed Maddie to the top of her lungs and started stomping and pulling her hair, "MIRACLE WHIP! MIRACLE WHIP! THERE IS NO FREAKING H!!! THERE IS NO FREAKING H!!!"
"What's the matter with her?" asked Brian.
"I don't know," said Stewie, "WHiney little girl, isn't she?"
"Yeah... wait, what?" asked Brian.
The next day at Zack's Pizza Parlor, Meg is on the phone taking an order.
"You'll have your pizza in 30 minutes or it's free," said Meg as she hung up, "Zack! We just got another delivery!"
"Is it someone we know?" asked Zack.
"It's for the Channel 5 Studio," said Meg.
"You wanna hear what they wanted," asked Maddie.
"Go ahead," said Zack.
"They wanted one cheese pizza so I don't get toppings on my gorgeous face," said Maddie doing a Tom Tucker impression, "One pepperoni," she said in a Diane impression, "One with mushrooms," said Maddie in an Asian dialect, "I WAN' OLIVES! NO ANCHOVIES!" she shouted.
"And we have those ready. Okay, who wants to do this delivery?" asked Zack.
"Maddie, would you like to make this delivery?" asked Meg.
"Wait, Maddie?" asked Zack, "Our one year old daughter with a tricycle Maddie?"
"No, it's okay," said Meg, "Maddie is a natural at being a delivery girl."
Flashback
At Quagmire's house, he answers his door and sees Maddie holding a box of pizza.
"Pizza delivery, Mr. Quagmire," said Maddie.
"Thanks, and here's your tip," said Quagmire as he handed her a dollar.
"Ahem," said Maddie as she cleared her throat.
"What?" asked Quagmire, "Sorry, but you've gotta be this tall to ride-"
"I recall overhearing on the phone about betting 20 dollar if a certain pizza girl couldn't get here in 30 minutes or less," said Maddie, "I got here in 10."
"It was just a joke. Ha ha ha, we're all laughing. See?" said Quagmire as he was met with a raised eyebrow from the toddler, "Fine, fine! Here."
"Pleasure doing business with you, Mr. Quagmire," said Maddie as she left on her tricycle.
"What kind of messed up world do we live in where a one year old girl hustles for tips?" asked Quagmire as he walked into his house and into his bedroom where a woman was waiting for him, "And now for some lunch," he said as he put pizza in his pants, "Bon Appetite. Giggity gag-a-ty!"
End Flashback
"I'd rather send an adult this time," said Zack, "Who wants to make this delivery?"
"Ooh! Ooh! Zack! Zack! Zack!" shouted Peter as he raised his hand and started jumping around, "Me! Me! Me! I'll do it! Me! Me! I'll do it! I'll do it! Me! Me! Me!"
"Hmmm... Lois, how about you?" asked Zack.
"Aaaawww... But I wanted to do it..." complained Peter.
"Why don't you let Peter do it?" asked Lois, "It's just one delivery."
"18 years with this guy and you still don't get it," said Zack, "He's a moron!"
"Just give Peter a chance," said Lois, "If anything, it'll keep him out of the kitchen for a little bit."
"Oh my god! The kitchen!" shouted Zack as he ran into the kitchen and put out a burning stove with a fire extinguisher and pulled out a burnt pizza, "Damnit, you were supposed to watch the stove!"
"Yeah right!" said Peter, "Cooking's a woman's job!"
"Fine, but deliver the pizza in 30 minutes or less," said Zack, "Got it?"
"You bet," said Peter, "I'll have it delivered lickety split!"
5 hours later, Peter finally returns to the restaurant with his lips and fingers covered in pizza sauce.
"Great job on that delivery there tons of fun," said Zack, "I especially loved how not only were you 30 minutes late, but you ate the pizza on the way, giving the customers a free nothing!"
"Who told you about that?" asked Peter, "I'll bet it was Meg! Don't listen to her because she's Meg!"
"No, it was the Channel 5 crew!" said Zack, "They spent 10 minutes on the phone giving me an earful on how they'd rather order crappy Domino's pizza because they at least get to their Studio! They're going to give us a bad review! Do you have any idea, ANY idea how much that hurts?"
"What? By the time I got there, the pizza was already cold," said Peter, "I mean, c'mon! Would you want a cold pizza? Cold pizzas are nasty! I was doing them a favor."
"Okay, since you can't make OR deliver a pizza, try making sandwiches," said Zack.
"Yeah, that doesn't sound too hard said Peter.
He walked into the kitchen and put together a ham sandwich... which promptly caught on fire for no reason whatsoever. Zack runs in with a fire extinguisher to put out the flaming sandwich and looks at Peter in shock.
"Perhaps I used too much hot sauce," said Peter.
A few weeks later, Meg was through all their sales records for the 3 weeks. As Zack walked in, he could tell that the look on her face meant bad news.
"I hate it when you give me that face," said Zack, "It's usually bad news that involves Connie or bad news in general."
"Our sales are dropping like a rock," said Meg, "We haven't made ANYTHING in the past 3 weeks!"
"How could this happen?" asked Zack, "I mean, we had great sales on our first day! What could've made us plummet so fast."
"Hey, check out this new toy I made," said Peter holding a ball of dough, "Mr. Pizza head. You can put toppings and sauce on him for face pieces. Oh, by the way, we're all out of dough, sauce, and toppings... It's everybody's fault except mine."
"Meg, I think I found our answer," said Zack, "I'm taking care of it immediately."
"Awesome! Who's the poor sucker that's getting fired?" asked Peter, "Because, between you and me, Brian spends his lunch breaks typing on liberal blogs and smoking pot. And so does your mom, so you might want to keep that in mind."
"The poor sucker... is you!" said Zack, "You're fired!"
Everyone in the parlor gasps, including the customers.
"What? But... but, why?" asked Peter sheepishly.
"I can name 5 reasons all on the fingers on my hand," said Zack, "Let's see, you're... 1) a moron, 2) an idiot, 3) a moron AND an idiot, 4) a dumbass, and 5) a moronic idiotic dumbass!"
"You can't fire me!" said Peter.
"I just did," said Zack, "Now either buy something or get your ass off my property!"
"Fine! I'm gonna go and start my own pizza place!" whimpered Peter sadly, "And... and it'll be a kazillion times better than yours! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! UWAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
With that Peter runs off sobbing like a child.
"That was kind of harsh," said Lois, "Embarrassing poor Peter like that in front of everybody."
"Peter needs to learn that he can't goof off and expect to get away with it," said Zack.
"Zack's right, Lois," said Brian, "Peter needs to start listening. Remember what happened to Sneakers O'Toole when he wouldn't listen?"
Cutaway
Sneakers O'Toole was taking a trip to the doctor's office.
"I'm going to the doctor! I am Sneakers O'Toole," sang Sneakers O'Toole.
"Sneakers O'Toole, you have athlete's foot from wearing sneakers all the time," said the doctor, "If you don't take your sneakers off, the athlete's foot could spread and become something much worse like foot cancer."
"No!" said Sneakers O'Toole.
"But it could save your life!" said the doctor.
"No!" shouted Sneakers O'Toole as he ran out of the doctor's office.
"Let him go doctor," said the nurse, "We can't chase him, not in your loafers and my high heels. He made his choice."
A few days later, Sneakers O'Toole died of foot cancer. In heaven, he walks as an angel. An angel who wears sneakers.
"I wouldn't take my sneakers off! I was Sneakers O'Toole," sang Sneakers O'Toole.
End Cutaway
The very next morning at the Griffin house, Brian was walking into the living room with a newspaper in hand and a cup of coffee. He takes notice of little Maddie with some paper and some crayons.
"What are you doing?" asked Brian.
"I'm making flyers for daddy's pizza joint," said Maddie.
"I thought you couldn't write," said Brian.
"I've been getting really better," said Maddie, "I even wrote a letter to some guy named Seth MacFarlane."
Flashback
"Dear Mr. Seth McFarlane," wrote Maddie, "It has come to my attention that you have underused and abused certain characters. One in particular is my mother Meg Griffin. You say you do it because you and your so called writers can't write a teenage girl. It isn't a hard thing to do, really. In fact it would help if you hired more competent and flexible writers. Also, I feel that there are many characters that have been underutilized in your universe and it would be nice to maybe give them the limelight instead of Brian and Stewie all the time. Just recently, you killed of Kevin Swanson, rest his soul, when you could've utilized him and all the other teenagers in Quahog for perhaps maybe a High School Musical parody, but knowing your writing staff and your singing talents it would just star Stewie and Brian. In short, could you give Mila Kunis a better role and not limit the universe characters to two? Your fan, Madeline Mary Ann Murdock."
With that, she walks to a nearby mailbox and mails the letter to Fox. 3 to 4 weeks letter, Lois walks in with a letter.
"Maddie, here's a letter for you from Fox," said Lois.
"Finally," said Maddie.
"So how did Seth respond?" asked Brian.
"Dear Maddie: No," said Maddie.
End Flashback
"Self righteous hack," muttered Maddie.
"Hey now," said Brian, "Seth MacFarlane is a brilliant man with a heavenly voice."
"Yeah, of course you would say that," said Maddie, "Can you turn on the TV for me? I think my cartoons are on."
"Sure thing," said Brian as he turned on the TV only to tune into a commercial.
"Aw, it's just a commercial," said Maddie, "Change it."
As Brian was about to touch the channel button, he noticed that Peter, of all people, was in the commercial.
"Wait, is that... Peter?" asked Brian in shock, "You might want to get your mom and dad."
Maddie then dashes out of the room and upstairs, where she brings Meg and Zack downstairs to show them the commercial.
"It's weird," said Maddie, "He's on a commercial. This could only mean bad news."
"I remember the last time dad was on a commercial," said Meg.
"He had to do a Public Service Announcement after he was busted for doing crack," said Zack.
Flashback
Peter is standing in a kitchen.
"This is crack," said Peter pointing to a frying pan, "This is your brain on crack," he said a he cracked the egg on the frying pan, "This is marijuana," he said pointing to a boiling pot, "And this is your brain on marijuana," he said as he put the egg in the pot, "Notice how your brain isn't frying and splattered all over. So if you want to do a drug, do marijuana. Any questions?"
End Flashback
"And remember what Peter was saying yesterday," said Zack, "So this commercial can only be one thing: a pizza commercial."
As they all walk into the living room...
"It's a pizza commercial," said Brian.
"He shoots, he scores," said Zack, "...sadly."
Cutaway to TV
"I'll bet you want a real pizza like how a woman who wants a real man during sex," said Peter, "Well you get that at Big Pete's Pizzeria. The only difference is our pizza isn't African American," Peter continued, "But just between you and me, Murdock's Pizzas are the equivalent of an Asian man, wink wink. So come to Big Pete's Pizzeria instead of Murdock's because our pizzas are wholesome and we use racial penis metaphors!"
"Pizza does not actually give penis enhancements, but if you do happen to feel something, it's probably just gas and maybe diarrhea," said an announcer quickly, "Yup... he wrote that."
End Cutaway
"I swear to god!" said Zack, "When I get my hands on that fat son of a bitch, I'm selling him as a pinata, Meg! I mean it, this time!"
"Zack, calm down," said Meg, "I'm sure it's nothing to worry about. Besides, competition can be good for business."
"It's not about the competition," said Zack, "It's that he just HAS to ruin everything for everybody else. He's like Kanye West!"
Cutaway
At a suburban home, a husband and wife are having dinner.
"Honey, this roast is great," said the husband, "In fact it's the best-"
"Yo, I know you're having dinner and I'mma let you finish," said Kanye West as he popped up from nowhere, "But your mistress made one of the best roast chickens of all time!"
"Mistress?!?!" asked the wife in anger as he started beating him bloody with a frying pan.
Kanye then steals the man's plate and runs off.
End Cutaway
The next day, Meg, Zack, and Valerie arrive at Big Pete's Pizzeria to meet up with Peter and Lois. The Pizzeria was occupying what used to be Big Pete's House of Munch which, for the sake of convenience, is located across the street from where Cleveland's deli used to be.
"Dad, what the hell?" asked Meg.
"Go ahead, say what the hell again!" said Peter.
"You're opening this pizza place just to spite me, aren't you?" asked Zack.
"No, I am doing it because I want to prove you wrong about being an incompetent moron!" said Peter.
"Then what do you call these?" asked Zack as he pulled out a flyer, "'Please come to Big Pete's Pizzeria and not Murdock's Pizza so I can make him and his family penniless and homeless so I can go hahaha to spite him. P.S. Zack sucks. P.P.S. So does Meg.'"
"Just how did you get this space back anyway?" asked Meg, "Didn't it get wasted?"
"Daddy paid for everything," said Lois.
Flashback
At the Pewterschmidt mansion, Lois is asking her dad for money.
"Daddy, can I get some money?" asked Lois, "Peter wants to open his own pizza parlor."
"No," said Carter, "Why would I want to help that fatass open a business?"
"Because there's a good chance he could fail?" asked Lois.
"I'm on board," said Carter as he wrote a checkbook.
End Flashback
"I think you should all really put this squabbling aside," said Valerie, "I'm a lover, not a fighter. That being said, some healthy competition isn't bad for business."
"See, Valerie has the right idea," said Lois, "Maybe Zack could even merge his business with Peter."
"What was that?" asked Zack.
"Zack, please," said Valerie, "What exactly do you mean by that, Lois?"
"All I'm saying is that when Zack's business goes down the tubes he can join us," said Lois, "Our door is always open for family."
"When his business goes down?" asked Valerie offended, "Are you saying my son is going to be a failure?"
"Well, he just doesn't have as much business experience as Peter," said Lois.
"You mean drunkie here who's had a thousand failed businesses including fishing?" asked Valerie, "It takes a real idiot to fail at fishing!"
"Are you calling my husband a drunk failure?" asked Lois offended.
"If the shoe fits!" sneered Valerie, "I've seen smarter and more considerate husbands in Alabama than what you have!"
"Well at least I've still got a husband!" said Lois, "And at least my son isn't the spawn of Satan!"
"And at least MY son is smarter than grain of rice AND isn't gay!" said Valerie, "Not that there's anything wrong wrong with being gay, but he's one for god's sake!"
"Mom, I thought you were a lover, not-" said Zack.
"SHUT THE HELL UP! THE GROWN UPS ARE TALKING!" shouted Valerie, "We'll see who's the failure, Mrs. Failure."
"Fine by me, mother failure!" said Lois.
"By the way, you should clean up that mess," said Valerie.
"What mess?" asked Lois.
"This one," said Valerie as she grabbed a jar of pizza sauce and smashed it on the floor.
Lois could only sneer at Valerie as she and the others walked out of the door.
"Peter, get the pizza oven ready," said Lois "This... means... war!"
Later at Murdock's Pizza, Valerie walks into the pizza parlor followed by a stern looking man in his 50's wearing a sergeant's uniform who had brown hair in a military flat cut and
"Who's the flat top?" asked Meg as she was working the cash register.
"This is my brother, Zack's Uncle Buck Russell," said Valerie, "He's a Sergeant for the military and he's here to help us in our pizza war."
"It's good to see you again, Uncle Buck," said Zack.
"And I see that you still have that mop top, boy!" said Buzz in disdain, "I suggest you get a haircut, because I will not be training TWO hippies in my platoon!"
"What does an Army Sergeant know about pizza?" asked Meg.
"What do I know about pizza? Well, let me tell you something, little lady!" said Uncle Buck, "I participated in the great pizza war of 1986! I've witnessed so many delivery men casualties, so much splattered pizza sauce, so much price inflation for extra toppings that it would be enough to make you sick to your stomach! So do not question my authorities again! Do you hear me, little lady?"
"Sir yes sir!" shouted Meg.
"Now drop and give me twenty pizzas!" shouted Buck.
"Sir yes sir!" shouted Meg as she ran into the kitchen.
"What you have there is a keeper, son," said Buck.
A little later as Maddie walks out of the parlor with a box of pizza she turns and to her shock she sees that her tricycle was taken apart.
"My tricycle!" shouted Maddie, "Who would do such a thing?"
"Shame about your tricycle!" said Stewie as he rode by, "Here's a screwdriver so you can put it back together."
"What?" asked Maddie.
"Don't worry. It's just been used recently. Wink wink," said Stewie as he rode off with a pizza box.
"Grandpa..." growled Maddie angrily.
Later inside the parlor, Maddie is crying as she tells everyone what happened.
"They trashed my tricycle!" sobbed Maddie.
"They what?!" asked Meg in shock, "That fat bastard! I bought that for you at a yard sale!"
"Sabotaging a delivery unit!" said Buck, "So those maggots want to play dirty do they? Well, we can fight dirty too! In fact we can be so dirty, people will mistake us for black people!"
"Wait, what?" asked Zack a little disgusted.
"Sorry, it was the first thing that came to my head," said Buck, "I'm not racist. Just ignorant."
The next day at Big Pete's Pizzeria, Zack and Meg walk into the restaurant wearing disguises. They sit down at a table and Meg opens her purse to reveal a walkie talkie.
"This is Little Piggie. Do you read me, Grizzly Bear?" asked Meg.
"Huh? That wasn't the codename I gave you!" said Buck.
"Sorry. It's... well it was a nickname my dad gave me," said Meg, "...Since I was born."
"Your codename is The Cat!" said Buck.
"The... Cat?" asked Meg.
"You may look all innocent and sweet, but you are deadly and diabolical!" said Buck.
"Okay then..." said Meg.
"Anyway, are you and Shaggy Dog in position?" asked Buck.
"Yes sir, Grizzly Bear," said Zack, "We're in position."
"Begin operation: Crust Crumbler," said Buck.
"Excuse me?" asked Meg in a disguised voice as Lois walked.
"Yeah, my lovely wife and I would like to order a pepperoni pizza," said Zack in a disguised voiced.
"And I'd also like some bread sticks, please," said Meg.
"Coming right up," said Lois as she walked into the kitchen and came back out with a pizza, "Here you are."
"Why thank you, ma'am," said Meg as Lois walked away.
As Lois was out of view, Zack takes out a dead mouse and places it on the pizza.
"Good lord! Miss! Miss!" shouted Zack.
"What is it?" asked Lois.
"I appear to have found a dead mouse on my pizza! Just look at it!" said Zack.
"Oh my god!" said Lois.
"And I just found a ring on one of my bread sticks!" said Meg, "What kind of sick establishment are you running, here?"
"That dead mouse wasn't there before!" explained Lois.
"I cannot believe people would eat here and not at Murdock's Pizza where it is pest free!" said Zack, "And it's only across the street!"
"I don't want to eat after pests," said one man.
"I don't want to eat after mice!" said a woman.
"Or roaches!" said another man.
"Or blacks or gays or Mexicans or Jews," said another man as everyone stared at him, "Oooh, right. I wasn't using my public voice."
"Let's all go to Murdock's instead," said a man as all the customers left.
After the place becomes completely empty, Peter walks into the room.
"Where the hell is everybody?" asked Peter.
"I'll tell you where they're not," said Zack as he and Meg took off their disguises, "Here. Check and mate."
"Here's some pity money for the pizza," said Meg as she handed Lois a five.
Meg and Zack leave as they tosses their disguises on the floor.
"...We just got served," said Lois in shock.
The next day in the kitchen of Murdock's Pizza, Jillian and Tilly had joined the Murdocks and were showing them a new invention.
"So what happened to CJ?" asked Meg.
"CJ wanted to be with his father," said Jillian, "This war has taken it's toll on my already small family."
"Sorry to hear that, sis," said Zack.
"Yeah, yeah. Less CJ, more invention time," said Tilly, "I present to you the pizzamatic 1000!" said Tilly.
"So what does this invention do?" asked Cody.
"It makes, tops, and cooks pizzas in a matter of minutes," said Tilly as she pulled the switch, "Observe!"
The pizza machine makes a few pizzas without fail, but without any warning whatsoever, the machine begins to shake violently and spit out pizzas all over the kitchen. After it explodes everyone is seemingly covered in pizza sauce.
"I guess it has a few bugs in it," said Tilly.
"Gee, what a surprise," said Cody, "Here's a suggestion for your next invention: A not blowing up machine!"
"Why are you even here, anyway?" asked Tilly.
"Yeah, don't you have a mom that knows you're missing or something?" asked Maddie.
"Half the time, she's drunk and doesn't know I'm there when I'm there," said Cody.
"Sounds like Nikki alright," said Zack as he noticed that Buck was staring off into space in shock, "Uncle Buck, are you alright? Buck?"
Buck could only look at all the pizza sauce stained people in the room and the only sounds he could hear and the only sights he could see were of war. So many casualties... so many lost innocent lives... and at what cost? He could still remember one horrifying sentence from one of his men.
"Sir, he's dead!" said a soldier, "If we want to survive, we'll have to eat him!"
"HUMAN FLESH DOESN'T TASTE LIKE CHICKEN AT ALL!!!" shouted Buck, "THE HORROR!!"
"You had the 'Nam hallucination again, didn't you?" asked Valerie
"I STILL HAVE HIS SKULL AS A KEEPSAKE!" screamed Buck.
Suddenly, alarms starting blazing like crazy.
"What's going on?" asked Meg, "What's that noise?"
"It's the security alarm I installed this morning," said Tilly, "We've got an intruder in the area!"
"This place has been breached like a Turkish prison inmate!" shouted Buck.
"We have to protect the family's top secret pizza recipe!" said Zack.
"Move move move!" shouted Buck.
Zack, Buck, and Valerie run ahead of everybody else and reach a room that was labeled Top Secret: Enter and Die. Zack inputs a long code into the number pad and opens the door. To everyone's surprise the secret pizza recipe was still their in a glass bottle.
"Guys, it's still here!" said Zack.
"Quick! Hand us the formula!" shouted Meg as she and Maddie ran into the room.
"Here, hide it someplace safe!" said Zack.
With that, Meg and Maddie run off out of the room.
"That was close," said Valerie.
The sounds of faint muffled screaming could be heard coming from the closet. When Zack opens, he sees that Meg and Maddie were tied and gagged inside the closet.
"What the hell?" asked Zack as he untied them, "Didn't I just give you two the top secret recipe?"
"Chris and CJ tied us up and locked us in the closet!" said Meg.
"They also disguised as us," said Maddie, "There's a %99 chance you've been duped."
Meanwhile at the Griffin's pizza parlor, Chris and CJ's holographic disguises wear off.
"We got the top secret formula!" shouted CJ.
"Yeah, and it's all thanks to me and my son!" shouted Chris.
"Perfect! Now we can make pizza just as good, if not better than theirs," said Lois.
"Hey, Chris, turn on your disguise again!" said Peter.
"Sure thing, dad!" said Chris as turned back into Meg.
Peter then quickly grabs Chris' head and farts in his face.
"HAHAHAHAHA! You totally should've seen that coming!" said Peter.
"Heh heh, well we all can't be as original as you," said Chris dryly, "I mean, do you have any idea how thin those jokes have worn by now?"
"...Shut up, Meg," said Peter.
Back at Zack's pizza parlor, Buck was starting to get pretty angry.
"That does it! No more Mr. Nice Guy!" he said, "They want a fight? By god, we'll give them a fight! Everybody, were going to be making pizzas to get ourselves ready!"
"For an all nighter?" asked Zack.
"For ammo!" said Buck.
The next morning at Big Pete's Pizzeria, Lois begins having second thoughts about the competition.
"Peter, I'm having second thoughts about this," said Lois, "I think we're beginning to take this a little too far!"
"Nonsense," said Peter, "Hey Stewie, you ready to make your delivery?"
"You bet your fatass, fatman!" said Stewie.
"Fantastic! And make sure Maddie doesn't make that delivery," said Peter as he handed Stewie a gun, "By any means necessary."
"Peter!" shouted Lois.
"What? It's not even a semi automatic weapon!" said Peter.
"You're not killing our granddaughter!" said Lois angrily, "You ARE taking this whole pizza war too far!"
"Oh yeah?" asked Peter, "Well I got news for you: Pizza is serious business!"
"You mean to tell me you're willing to kill family members over pizza?" asked Lois.
"This isn't about pizza, Lois," said Peter, "This is about making Zack suffer!"
"Wait, you mean you're still mad at him for firing you?" asked Lois.
"Of course!" said Peter, "I was unfairly terminated! I mean he kept Meg on his payroll and not me! He was obviously playing favorites."
"No it was because Meg was a good worker!" said Lois, "Zack fired you because you messed up! It wasn't out of spite!"
"You're just like him!" complained Peter, "You just won't let me be myself! WAAAAAAAAAAH! UWAAAAAAAAA!"
Peter sobbed as he ran out the room.
"What a crybaby..." said Lois as the window was suddenly pelted by a pizza, "What the hell?"
As she looked outside, she could see that Zack, Meg, Valerie, Maddie, Tilly, Jillian, and Buck all rushing towards the restaurant with pizza shooting weapons.
"Peter, they're attacking us!" said Lois, "With their own pizzas!"
"I told you, Lois!" said Peter, "Pizza. Is. Serious. Business! Get our troops ready! We're going to strike back!"
"You can forget me joining in!" said Lois, "I'm having no part of this anymore!"
"I understand you completely," said Peter sincerely as he then smears Lois with a pizza, "And now you're dead! Everyone else, LET'S FIGHT!!!"
"There they are!" shouted Meg.
"Last one alive clean up this mess!" shouted Buzz.
"BANZAI!" shouted Zack.
And with the battle cries made, everyone engaged in what you could consider a pizza carnage. Pizza pies and breadsticks flew everywhere. There were even casualties to be had from innocent by-standers.
"Dad! Dad! We're out of pizzas!" panicked Chris.
"Looks like we'll just have to use the basic ingredients," said Peter as he tossed some tomatoes, "FIRE IN THE HOLE!"
"Tomato grenades! Hit the deck!" shouted Buck as everyone jumped out of the way.
"Is everyone alright?" asked Valerie.
"I've been hit!" shouted Buck as he was covered in red splattered tomatoes, "Man down! Man down!"
"Sarge!" shouted Zack, "Those bastards! Launch the pizzapalt!"
"Pizzapault launched!" said Meg as she cut the rope to the catapult and propelled a dozen pizzas into enemy territory.
Everyone kept fighting for hours and hours until they had run out of pizza's and the streets were littered with nothing but pizza covered body, sausages, sause, cheese and pepperoni. Zack and Peter were the last two standing amidst the carnage.
"Lord, what have we done?" asked Zack, "So much pizza wasted. So many people covered... I'm supposed to be a smart guy! Why do I keep doing these things?"
"Don't feel bad. What's done is done and- HA!" shouted Peter as he threw a pizza at Zack's face, "I WON! THE WAR IS MINE!!! HAHAHAHA"
"Well, at least it can't get any worse than this," said Zack, "And cue police sirens."
Then right on cue, police cars with blazing sirens show up quickly.
"PETER AND ZACK! YOU'RE BOTH UNDER ARREST FOR DISTURBING THE PEACE!" shouted Joe, "and assault... and littering..."
"But I wouldn't never litter!" said Peter.
"...And for using a double negative," said Joe.
"He shoots he scores," said Zack, "...again..... sadly...."
Later the entire family, except for Lois, was in the holding cell of the police station.
"You can hold me all you want!" shouted Buck, "The Namies couldn't break me and neither can you pigs!"
"I thought Vietnam did break you," said Zack.
"No no, it was the cannibalism that did," said Buck.
"Hey Stewie," said CJ.
"What?" asked Stewie.
"...Don't drop the soap," said CJ as he and Cody chuckled.
"For god sakes, it wasn't funny the first 3 times you said So shut up!" said Stewie.
"It's funny to us," said Cody.
Joe then wheels in with Lois behind him.
"Okay, Lois here has agreed to bail you all out," said Joe.
"Lois, you were right," said Peter, "We really did take this whole war too far."
"I still can't believe we let our inner demons get the best of us," said Meg.
"Not me," said Cody, "My inner demon and I have a mutual pact. He never gets the best of me and I never get the best of him," he earns the silent stares of everyone in the room "Uh, grandson of Satan here? Hello?"
"See what happens when you let something go too far?" asked Lois.
"What are you preaching about?" asked Valerie, "This whole thing was basically your fault, anyway!"
"What are you talking about?" asked Lois.
"You said Zack didn't have any business sense," said Valerie, "That really pissed me off!"
"No mom, this war is my fault," said Zack, "I apparently shouldn't have fired Peter even though I had a logical and perfectly valid reason to do it and once again I suffered!"
"You know, instead of fighting, you two could work together," said Lois.
"Yeah, I mean, this is a big city that needs more pizza," said Meg.
"What do you say, Zack?" asked Peter, "With this merger we'll be an unstoppable force,"
One day later on the news...
"Murdock and Griffin Pizza has declared bankruptcy today," said Tom Tucker.
"In what many view as the stupidest business decision since underwater matches," said Diane, "Zack Murdock had become business partners with Peter Griffin."
Meanwhile at the Griffin home...
"I'm sorry my dad ruined you," said Meg.
"It's alright," said Zack, "You're dad's helping me raise money so I can re-open the pizza shop by next week."
"Where is dad anyway?" asked Meg.
"At a kid's birthday party, making the money," said Zack.
"So is he like a clown or a magician?" asked Meg.
"Pinata," said Zack.
"Pinata stuffer or pinata handler or...?" asked Meg.
"No," said Zack.
Meanwhile at a birthday party, a bunch of little kids are beating him with sticks and bats as he's tied to a tree.
"OW! OW! STOP IT!" screamed Peter, "MY INSIDES DON'T HAVE CANDY! THEY HAVE BLOOD AND POOP AND VITAL ORGANS!"
As he hangs there, Maddie walks up to him.
"Maddie! Thank god!" said Peter, "Now untie granddaddy and..." he said before he notices she had a metal baseball bat, "What... what are you doing?"
"TRIKE MURDERER!!" screamed out Maddie as he clubbed Peter in the head and everything blacked out.
End Chapter
