Reid could hardly wait to return home after two weeks of tracking a serial killer through the backwoods of Alabama. All of the horrors could be replaced with a few good books, a cup of coffee, and time with the person he loved most. Bianca. Fourteen days felt like an eternity to be without her, without her stories and her hugs and the ability to fall asleep next to her. She wasn't answering her phone though, and he figured she must've been busy. It was unusual though, for her to go two days without answering his calls.
There was a light on in the living room when he finally pulled into the driveway, and he jogged up the sidewalk to let himself in. Most days he could find her reading in one of the overstuffed armchairs or lounging on the sofa while she wrote, but both chairs were empty. "Bianca?" he called. There was no answer, but he could make out a muffled sound from the bedroom.
He followed it, and discovered her crumpled up on the bed, sniffling. At the sound of his approach, she looked up, panic written on her face. Typically he would go to her, comfort her, but when he tried to she jumped down from the bed and backed towards the corner of the room, near the window and the bookshelves. "Are you okay?" he asked. What was happening? Had someone hurt her?
She opened her mouth to respond, but no sound came out beyond a whimper.
"B," he said slowly, speaking to her the way he would a frightened victim. "What's going on?"
Her entire body was shaking as she wrapped her arms around herself. "I – I can't – I…" On one hand he count the occasions he'd seen her in a state like this, inconsolable and unable to speak. There were only a few things that scared her so; her family, his relapse, when she thought that she had messed something up beyond repair, thunderstorms. The look in her eyes now though, it was pure terror. So many people he'd profiled in the past, but right now, when it mattered most, he didn't understand a thing.
"Please, you can tell me. Bianca, you know you can tell me anything. Let me help you. What's wrong?" He took half a step forward, but she took half a step back, wringing her hands together frantically, and she was crying now. Why was she crying? What had happened to make her so afraid? Was it something he did? Something he said? Reid was growing more anxious with every second that passed, his wife standing in front of him and crying, and he had no clue why.
"I promise, whatever it is, it's going to be okay. Bianca, please. I love you."
Those words were supposed to be a protective charm, but the spell they cast only seemed to make matters worse. She flinched away and shook her head back and forth, back and forth. There was something she was trying to deny, trying to ignore, but for all his knowledge he couldn't explain it.
Through a mess of tears and tremors, she tried to compose herself enough to speak, her words choppy and strained between sobs. "I – I'm s-sorry."
"Sorry? For what?"
She dug her teeth into her bottom lip, punishing herself for the words that she couldn't manage to speak, and he wanted to go to her and kiss her just to make it all stop. "Wh-when you were g-gone, I… I went to - to the d-doctor."
Was she sick? If she was crying so hard, if she was so shaken up, it had to be bad. He ran over a list of ailments in his head. Something worse than the flu, certainly. Something genetic? Was it something with her mental health? She hadn't shown any indication she was feeling depressed, and as far as he knew she had been eating. Her weight seemed normal, she wasn't over-exercising. What had happened in the fourteen days since he'd seen her last?
"And I… I…" Her body was wracked by another series of sobs, and he could feel his own lip quivering, his chest aching. He hated seeing her like this. It hurt him, and he it was painfully obvious why unsubs targeted their families – watching someone you loved in pain, and being powerless to fix it was a million times worse than any beating one could personally endure. It was as though your heart was more tied to the people you held within it than the body it was charged with keeping alive.
It took all of his resolve to stay rooted to the floor, not to run to her, not to scare her off. He waited, bracing himself for whatever diagnosis, whatever news was to follow.
"I… I, um…" Oh god, he wasn't ready. "I…" She couldn't seem to get the words out and oh god, he couldn't lose her. Not her too. Forcing herself finally to look at him, she tried to find her voice one more time. Oh god, please not her too. "I – I'm p-pregn…" That was all she could manage before she burst into tears again.
But that was all he needed to hear.
Oh.
God.
He swore that right then the earth stopped spinning as the puzzle fell together and his mouth fell open. His body reacted of its own accord, his eyes widening, his heart faltering, but it was as if his brain had short-circuited, and she was standing there by the window trembling, waiting for him to respond.
Oh god. It made sense now. Her panic, her fear, her tears. On top of all that, was she afraid that he would upset? Not trusting his ears, he tried to speak. "You – you're pregnant?"
She nodded, her shoulders raised as she tried not to sob. "I f-found out two days ago. I'm s-sorry."
"No, no. No, there's nothing you need to apologize for." He could no longer stand it. Feeling the water rise in his own eyes, he finally reached for her and she didn't run when he held her tight against him to let her know that he was here and she wasn't alone and he wasn't going anywhere. Her fingers balled the fabric of his vest into her fists as she cried into his chest, and he pressed countless kisses to her hair and her forehead. Reid lifted her into his arms and carried her back onto the bed, where he held her in his lap.
They rocked back and forth, gently, and when she had calmed down to a degree, he asked, "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"I didn't know what to do. I had no idea. And when I found out, I just… Spencer, I'm so scared," she whispered, the word tinged with pain. "I don't know if I can do this."
She loved kids, but she had never been certain about having any of her own. After her own childhood, he understood her hesitation. The love he had for Bianca outweighed his desire to be a parent, and he had accepted that if it wasn't something she wanted, he would be content being a godfather and an "uncle" instead.
Those words she uttered just minutes ago were supposed to be followed by joy and celebration, but he couldn't manage to feel that way yet, not when she was so distraught. "Why?"
"I don't know if I can be a good parent. What if… what if I mess up? What if I ruin their life? What if they hate me? What… what if I turn out like my mom?" They were answers he'd heard before, but even so he needed to hear them, to understand what she was feeling at that moment.
"That's not going to happen," he said, squeezing her hand.
"But how do you know that?"
"Because I know you. I know that you are one of the most loving people on the planet. And every time I needed you, you were there, no questions asked. You keep your promises and you tell wonderful stories and no matter what, you stay. You're not like your parents were. The fact that you've thought about that shows that you're aware, that you want to be better.
"And besides," he added. "You have me. I'm not going to let that happen. We can do this together. You don't have to do any of this by yourself. I'll be here, and we'll raise them together, and just like I love you and you love me, we'll love them. That love has lasted through so many things. And that's how I know."
"You – you said you didn't think you should have kids," she said quietly. "After Hotch left."
He thought back to the weeks before. "I didn't mean that. I was upset, and angry, and I didn't think having children was an option for us anyways. I didn't mean any of that, I swear to you. There is nothing I would love more than to have a baby with you. I want this. I want this for us."
She looked up at him, wide-eyed. "Nine months… that's a long time. I don't know if I can…" The physical changes, those were going to be hard for her.
"You don't have to go through that alone either. Every day, I'm going to be here for you. If I'm on a case, I'll call you. And I'll remind you how much I love you."
"But after that, I mean, a baby is a permanent thing… Spencer, everything's going to change. I can't be a mother. I don't know if I'm ready for that."
He pulled her closer. "Everything is going to change, but change isn't a bad thing. You and I, we've changed over the years. You stood by me through grief and a relapse and withdrawal. I've seen you happy and I've seen you hurting, and I've seen you scared. We got engaged, we got married, we bought a house. All of those changes, but we're still here.
"Maybe things will change, but sometimes when things change, you discover that your life had been missing something all along. I mean, I didn't realize how much I needed you until I met you. Nothing was the same after that, but I can't imagine my life without you in it." Her breathing was slowing now, her muscles relaxing. "Bianca, if you want to do this, I'm ready. I'm here to stay. And we can take it day by day, together. Always together."
So many of his friends – his family, their family – were parents now. And while it was true that everything changed, it was also true that those changes brought far more joy than trouble. Hotch loved Jack more than anything, JJ always said that Henry was the best thing that had ever happened to her and Will, and despite all his previous honors Morgan claimed that "father" was the one he was most proud of.
She exhaled, all of her tension coming out in a shaky breath. "Okay then." She sounded nervous still, scared, but she know spoke with a hint of resolve. "We're going to have a baby," she said, still not certain if she believed her own words or not.
Finally, his heart gave a twinge not of pain, but of joy. The faintest suggestion of something new, something wonderful. "I'm going to be a dad," he breathed, just as incredulous. Spencer looked down at the woman in his arms, shaken and scared as she was, she still found a way to be so brave and so caring. He kissed her slowly, cherishing it as he realized that the next few months would be the last they spent with just the two of them. "And you're going to be the best mother."
Long after midnight, she had fallen asleep in his arms, clinging to him as though he was the only thing capable of keeping her anchored in the present. In the morning they talked through it a little more, when her mood was more stable.
"I think it was the night you came back from LA," she said. "When we were both so desperate for a distraction." He remembered it well. Every night they'd spent together he remembered, so long had he been memorizing the way she reacted to his every touch, learning what was good and what was even better. One moment though, one night had changed everything.
Everything was about to change, but it was a change he wholeheartedly welcomed. He couldn't help but think back to the case in Arizona, when JJ had assured him he'd still have kids one day. Even then he'd known. Known that was something he wanted, not just to have a child, but to have a child with her. A tiny human being who might inherit his laugh and her kindness. But then she'd revealed she didn't think she wanted children, and he'd learned to be okay with that.
This, this was something they were going to learn their way through together.
It was hard to say goodbye to her, and he lingered in their living room far longer than usual. Kissing her lips, her forehead, her stomach; wrapped his arms around her – around them – until she urged him out the door, promising him that she would be okay. Bianca seemed a little steadier then, though her eyes still carried traces of worry.
The team was sitting in the conference room when he came hurrying in. "Sorry I'm late," he said, dropping his bag on the floor. The previous night had been mostly sleepless, for the excitement had gotten the better of him, and the morning had spent by her side. "Uh, by the way, Emily, there's something I need to ask."
The unit chief turned her attention away from the tablet in front of her, waiting.
A deep breath in and then, "Would it maybe be possible for me to get some time off?"
All eyes in the room swiveled his way. Reid, asking for time off? That never happened. He wasn't deterred though, and held Emily's steady gaze. "That depends. When are planning on using those vacation days?"
He tried to maintain as straight a face as possible, though he thought his heart might burst from anticipation. At this point, he found it hard to believe the joy he felt hadn't become a visible, tangible thing. "About nine months from now." Reid said nothing else, letting the words hang in the air as the unit made sense of them. They settled over the room, wheels turning and eyebrows furrowing. Tara and Rossi exchanged a glance, Prentiss stared at him, unblinking.
It was JJ who spoke first, hesitantly, not wanting to misconstrue what he'd just said. "Wait… Spence, you said nine months from now?"
"Technically, it's more like 32 weeks from now, but yeah. Something like that." Another oddity, Reid not being exactly precise with his estimates and numbers.
"Are you saying…?" The question hung unspoken, everyone afraid to say it out loud and be wrong. Reid rocked back and forth on his heels, impatient for them to confirm what he was sure they were all thinking.
Garcia finally took the bait, with wide eyes and high-pitched disbelief. "You're expecting a baby genius?"
In response, he merely grinned. The room erupted in a chorus of congratulations and a flurry of hugs, and one "it's about time" from Rossi.
Alvez came into the room holding a tray of coffees he'd evidently been sent to collect from the kitchenette. "About time for what?" he asked, perplexed.
"A baby, that's what, Newbie!" Garcia said, rolling her eyes in mock annoyance. Even in the midst of pretending to be miffed at Luke, her smile was uncontainable. Alvez turned to Reid, eyes wide with excitement.
"My wife Bianca, she's pregnant," he answered. Those words were just so good to say out loud. A baby. They were going to have a baby. "I just found out last night."
"Man, that's awesome. Congrats." He pulled Reid into a quick hug. "You'll be a great dad."
So this was how it felt, to tell your family that it would soon be expanding, to know that in a few months everything was going to change, and that you wouldn't be facing those changes alone. There were people to share in your joy, to allow your happiness to be their happiness.
Two months passed in a blur. Time seemed to work differently now, it felt like more of a concept and less of a reality. Entire weeks could be mere seconds, while the hours he spent at night reassuring her when her fears got the best of her could feel like years. In those moments, she swore she heard eternity in the soothing whisper of his voice, that forever sounded precisely like that.
They'd made it through the first trimester without any trouble, and she was just beginning to show. The baby was just a small bump. "Barely the size of a fig," he'd told her, his arms wrapped around her as they lay in bed. That embrace of his was so secure, and when he spoke to her, she felt like maybe this would work out after all. Spencer was nothing like her father – or his own, for that matter. He was gentle and kind and protective. Never would he hurt her, or their child. Never would he abandon them. She wasn't in this alone.
Life moved forward. Cases piled up for both of them. Work remained busy, but they still found time for books on park benches and wandering expeditions through museum centers and libraries and coffee in the morning. Well, at least for him. She'd switched solely to herbal tea for the time being.
Late in the evening, she had just put the teakettle on when he came through the door. "Welcome home," she said, turning to find him with a grim expression in the hall. "Spencer? What is it?"
His eyebrows knit together and he wet his lips before finding his voice. "It's my mom. She's not doing well, she's… confused. And scared. I don't think the treatment is helping and her mood just keeps getting worse."
All she needed to know was contained in his strained voice, the pain in his eyes. "You need to go see her," she said. Not a question, just a statement. She leaned against the kitchen counter, arms wrapped around herself. It seemed it was too much to ask for their world to be shaken by one thing at a time. Not only were they trying to navigate the fact that they were having a child, but his mother's condition only continued to deteriorate.
With a heavy sigh, he nodded. "I'm so sorry. I know this is terrible timing, but she's my mom, and she doesn't have anyone else right now." While she didn't have a close relationship with her parents, she knew how much Diana meant to him. For so long they only had each other. "I need to ask you something. I know Houston is far away and I don't know how long I'll be gone for, but…"
Bianca straightened up, mentally preparing her case, ready to argue her point when that he couldn't heal impossible wounds alone. Instead, he surprised her by asking, "Will you come with me?"
"What?" she asked, half-stunned by his question. Most everything in their lives they took on together. He'd learned long ago that he could tell her anything, trust her with his time-scarred heart, but when it came to his mother things were different. It was too close, to painful to allow himself to voice his fears about her health and her illness.
"I can't do this alone," he told her. "And I don't want to leave you right now. I made you a promise, and I intend to keep it. I know you're busy, but I don't want to go without you." Pausing, he glanced up at her with those puppy-dog eyes she never could refuse. "Please come with me."
A bittersweet smile played at the edge of her lips. "As if you could stop me." At that, he shrugged off whatever nervous restraint had been keeping him at a distance and crossed the distance between them, throwing his arms around her and hugging her tight. Arms trembling, shoulders shaking, face buried in her neck. It took her a second to process that he was silently sobbing, and she held him gently until his breathing slowed. The whistling teakettle was forgotten, its incessant sound overwhelmed by the soft rhythm of his inhales and the feeling of his shirt against her cheek.
They were each going through one of their most difficult moments. She was becoming a parent; he was losing one. Right now, more than anything, they needed each other.
"When do we leave?"
"How soon can you get off work?" he replied.
"All I need to do is make a few phone calls. I don't have any trials coming up, and I can take casework with me. I can be packed and ready by tomorrow afternoon."
Momentarily she pulled away from him, only long enough to reach behind her and climb up onto the kitchen counter. From that vantage point she could hug him around his neck without him having to bend down. His head resting in the crook of her shoulder, she ran her hands through his hair in a slow pattern. As though the movements could somehow soothe the worry in his head. By combing through his tangled curls, she tried to help untangle the mess in his heart.
"I don't know how to do this," he admitted. It was a strange change from the roles they'd played over the last few months. She was the uncertain one and he was her unwavering encouragement. When she was sick, he was there to rub her back and bring her ginger ale, when she was scared he was ready with all the right things to say.
One world was beginning, the other seemed to be ending.
A flight was booked, the necessary phone calls were made, and they packed their bags that very night. Though he was right beside her, his mind was clearly elsewhere. Shirts and pants were folded methodically, mechanically. It wasn't until they took the suitcases downstairs that he came out of whatever meditative trance he'd been in.
Bianca curled up on the sofa, wondering if he'd found the solution he was clearly searching for. There was no right answer this time. For all her shortcomings, Diana Reid had been the best mother she could be. She stayed when his father didn't. She gave him books and stories and encouragement whenever she could. And she fought for him fiercely. How hard it had to be, to watch as someone who took care of you now needed you to take care of them. If needed, he would've moved mountains to help his mother. So many things she'd sacrificed for him, Diana loved him that much.
She wanted to love that much. What if she couldn't? Her hands came to rest on her stomach. It was still early enough that the baby felt like a distant idea. While she'd dealt with morning sickness and soreness, there were few physical signs of the baby yet. A week prior, they'd gone in to have the first ultrasound done. Dr. Molina had shown them the grainy black and white image on the screen, and suddenly there was a new heartbeat in the room. Soft and fluttering, that little proof of life.
Spencer had smiled so wide, tears in his eyes, while she struggled to find her breath. That tiny heartbeat was theirs. A baby, their baby. She had tried to reconcile the fact that the heart they heard belonged to a life that was growing inside her, but it still seemed so impossible. Impossible that in five months, that life would come into the world.
"Hey." Spencer sat down beside her on the sofa. Softness in his eyes, he set a hand on her thigh. "It's hard, watching my mom go through this. But that won't ever change how I feel about our baby. Neither of us had perfect families, but I want to start one with you."
"It's not that I don't want this," she told him. In the beginning she had felt much more uncertain. Slowly, she had been coming to terms with it. There was no violent opposition in her heart. If she was going to have a child, she could think of no better father than Spencer, no one else she would rather be a family with. Family didn't have to be a bad thing. They had both learned what not to do, how not to be a parent. They could be better. They would be better. "I'm just scared."
"I know," he murmured. Doubts and fears of his own he had shared with her. They had plenty of worries between them, but there was a hope that they had built together. A belief that the love they had forged, tended to with the utmost care, would be enough to sustain another human being.
Love could shift tides and rattle stars. It had been enough to bring two people across oceans, to pull him back from the brink of darkness, and rewrite the loneliest chapters in her history.
"Is what we have to give enough?" she asked.
Spencer tilted his head, gazing at her in such a way that she knew he understood. That he could see what she was feeling and what she needed. He said, "I know we might not have a lot, compared to some people, but we have a cozy home and a yard and books in almost every room. We have jobs and we both have time off. We have friends and family to help us. We have each other. And we have a lot of love to give. I think that's more than enough."
Long fingers stretched out over her stomach as he placed his hand over her own. "Right now, they're the only as big as a lemon. But they can make faces and suck their thumb. They can't hear you yet, but I know they're going to love you."
When she leaned into him, she could feel his own heart beating. Three different rhythms, three different lives. In many ways, it still felt like just the two of them, but bit by bit they were making space for a new addition. Gradually turning the upstairs office into a nursery. Buying new children's books. Tomorrow, though, they would leave their space to travel the 1,408 and miles to Houston to be with his mother. It felt like only weeks ago they were boarding a plane to go to Las Vegas together for the first time, so she could finally meet Diana in person.
Would Diana even recognize her? Spencer hadn't even had the chance to tell her that they were having a baby, as he wanted to do so in person to minimize confusion. Would she remember that?
Beginnings. And endings. They would get through both together.
Author's Note:
So here we are. After dodging questions about it for 40 plus chapters, haha, it's finally happening. Two will become three. I'm really excited to write this last "arc" of the story, and I've spent a lot of time thinking about. I debated back and forth for a while whether or not they would have a child together, but I'm happy with the direction I chose, and I'm looking forward to being able to share that with all of you. And now that Season 12 has finished, I think I finally have a solid plot plan. Wow, it was a wild ride from start to finish.
Thanks to hanajx, Harry's Little Sister, CHSShortie, witheringflames, kit-kat97, wintermoon7, rebel-17, Princess Nightmare99, rebelforcauses, Izuminka1992, and brutxa for following/favoriting this story! Glad to have you with us!
And I'm so grateful to ahowell1993 (indeed!), Guest (ahh I'm sorry! Especially when CM left on a cliff hanger as well. Sorry it took me a month to get this chapter up! And thank you!), dianakotori (I just HAD to end it there, y'know? Did you guess correctly? And as always, thank you!), gossamermouse101 (oh no, don't cry! I miss Hotch and Jack as well, so I just had to give them a little nod), LadyAmazon (if you deny it, it isn't real, right? That's what I tell myself about exams, haha), Rowan (wow, thank you! This is seriously so sweet! I'm so glad you've enjoyed it, and I apologize for the lack of sleep!), Love-Fiction-2016 (thank you!), DeliciousAudrey (oh no, I'm sorry! But don't worry, I have plans for how to handle this Season 12 madness. And it shouldn't be as frustrating or heartbreaking as it was to watch in the show. Pinky promise! Rimbaud is lovely though and I'm glad you caught that!), and rebelforcauses (oh goodness thanks! I'm so glad you like it! And haha, yes, it's taken a while but they finally are!) for taking the time to leave a review. I appreciate your kind words so very much, and it means a great deal to me to hear from you.
I'll see you all next chapter. Thank you for being so patient with me.
