o-0-o-0-o Thanks so much to Stelena, laugh4life, David Fishwick, Marie, celia, Hooked-On-TVD for the reviews. They are very much appreciated. I've said this before but I'll say it again, just because things turn out one way now, it doesn't mean that they're going to stay that way in the story. Chapter 49 is here. Lol random fact for you guys, I cried when I wrote this. Please leave me a review and let me know what you think. I love to hear from you o-0-o-0-o
Stefan practically flew out of the tomb as soon as Katherine said what she said. He had to find Elena. He had to fix whatever was wrong. He couldn't lose Elena.
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Caroline had followed Tyler home. Yeah, she knew it was stalker-ish, but she couldn't get rid of the feeling that Tyler had been keeping something from her. She wanted to see if she was just crazy or if something really was up. She had turned her phone onto silent because she didn't want to suddenly be found out because her phone started to ring.
She stood around, absentmindedly twirling her hair, hiding and waiting- she didn't really even know what she was waiting for. She just wanted to know what was up with Tyler.
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Caroline wasn't answering her phone, and Bonnie hadn't answered hers yet either. Elena walked up to Bonnie's doorstep anyway, and she knocked."Bonnie," she called out. "Open up, please."
Elena was a little surprised when Damon appeared.
"Are you okay?"Damon asked her, worried.
"I'm fine," she said, lying. "I just need somewhere to think. Stefan will check my place and yours first to look for me. If Stefan comes by, don't tell him that I'm here, please. I need a bit of time to myself. Where's Bonnie?"
"It's pretty obvious everything's not fine if you're avoiding my brother," Damon said, moving aside so she could walk in. "She's sleeping upstairs...What happened?" Damon asked her.
"Don't worry about it, I really just need some uninterrupted time to think... Something smells good," Elena said, walking into the kitchen. "You're cooking?"
Damon rolled his eyes at her avoidance of the question. "I made a deal with Bon-Bon. I make supper for her and her dad and she'll owe me. Witches owing you a favour is always good," Damon said grinning half-heartedly, trying to figure out what was wrong with Elena.
Elena didn't even have the energy to laugh. "Have fun," she said, giving him a small smile, heading upstairs to Bonnie's room.
Elena opened the door, and Bonnie's eyes opened.
"It's just me," Elena said, quietly. "Go back to sleep. Being around you usually calms me down. That would help me right now. Do you mind if I just lie down here for a bit and think?"
Bonnie rubbed her eyes and patted the spot next to her on her bed.
Elena plopped down next to her friend.
"What happened?" Bonnie asked tiredly.
"Seriously, just go back to sleep. Don't worry about me. I don't even really understand what's going on right now. I just need to relax and think. Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything stupid. I'll tell you what's up later, I promise."
"Okay," Bonnie said, giving Elena's hand a little squeeze, eyes closing again.
Elena took a deep breath. She was going to think about herself and Stefan and Katherine, but what would be different this time, and what needed to be different this time was the way she was going to run everything through her mind. She needed to take her emotions out of it. She needed to keep her personal feelings out of looking at everything. She needed to look at everything differently instead of just thinking of things with hurt feelings. She needed to see what things really looked like.
She closed her eyes and started running facts through her head.
What do I know about Stefan? What do I know about Katherine? What do I know about everything that has happened? Start from the beginning.
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Jules watched Caroline from a distance, as Caroline watched Tyler's house from a distance.
It's only a matter of hours now. Soon enough she's going to be drowning in tears- her and that stupid witch who fried my brain.
Jules smiled at the thought. She knew that Tyler had ultimately left her because of loyalty to Caroline, that stupid girl.
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Stefan was knocking on Elena's door, hoping she was at home. He needed to talk to her right away.
"Elena," he called out. "You here?"
He kept knocking.
"Come on, answer the door please," he said, wanting to pull at his hair.
"She's not here, man," Jeremy said, opening up the door, and closing it behind him because he was leaving to meet Matt for the concert. "What's wrong? Do I need to be worried about her?"
"You don't need to be worried about her right now. I just really need to talk to her," Stefan said, heading to his own house, hoping she was there. But she wasn't.
He had called her phone many times and she hadn't answered once. He called Caroline too, but she wasn't answering either. He called Bonnie and hoped she would answer. He was getting worried about Elena, and not just about her possibly leaving him. He was getting legitimately worried because she wasn't one not to answer her phone, that coupled with this weird feeling that there was some kind of danger around the corner was freaking Stefan out.
Stefan felt a tiny bit of relief when Bonnie answered her phone. She sounded like she had been sleeping.
"Hey Stefan," she said tiredly. "What's up?"
"Have you seen Elena? I really need to talk to her, and I'm actually getting a bit worried that something might have happened."
"Elena's fine, Stefan. She's not hurt or anything," Bonnie said, looking at Elena who was lying next to her.
Elena's eyes shot open at the mention of Stefan's name. She mouthed to Bonnie not to tell Stefan where she was yet. She needed more time to think.
"You saw her?" Stefan asked.
"Yeah. I promise you she's fine. She's just got a lot on her mind right now and she said she needed a bit of time and space to think."
"Bonnie, I need to see her," Stefan said desperately. "I need to talk to her."
Bonnie silently told Elena that Stefan wanted to see her and talk to her. Elena shook her head and quietly told Bonnie to tell Stefan that she would see him later. She'd go by his house.
"She's gonna come see you later, at your house. She told me to tell you that before. She'll come see you later. She's just thinking things through right now. She needs some space to think," Bonnie said as gently as she could. She could tell that something wasn't right between Stefan and Elena.
"Is she there with you Bonnie? I swear I won't come by, I'll go home and wait for her there if that's really what she wants. I just have this feeling like something dangerous is around the corner, and I need to know for sure if she's okay. If she's with you, I'll know she's fine. I swear I won't come by, I'll give her the space to think, and I won't say that you told me she's there. Please just tell me if she's with you," he asked worriedly. "Just say yes."
They must have had a fight or something because he was clearly worried about something like that. Bonnie believed that Stefan would keep his word and she didn't want him to be unnecessarily extra worried about Elena.
"Yes, Stefan."
"Thank you, Bonnie," Stefan said quietly, hanging up the phone.
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Caroline wanted to smack herself upside the head when she saw Tyler coming out of his house with a huge duffel bag. It wasn't fully closed and she saw that there were chains inside.
The chains immediately made Caroline remember today's date. Tonight was the full moon. That's what had been up with Tyler. He was going to transform tonight.
Caroline cringed, remembering how Tyler had suffered the last time. It had been horrible for him. She stayed with him through it. She didn't want him to be alone then, and she didn't want him to be alone now.
Tyler got into his car, and Caroline knew where he was heading. She headed there too.
She was there before he was, so she sat down and waited for him.
He was sort of distracted when he arrived. He didn't even notice Caroline until a minute later.
He looked very surprised to see her.
"Hey," she said, giving him a smile.
"Hey," he said back.
"I didn't remember until a few minutes ago that tonight was the full moon," Caroline said. "Want me to keep you company tonight?"
Yes. But I don't deserve it.
"No, it's okay," Tyler told her.
"I wasn't actually asking," Caroline said, giving him a grin. "You're stuck with me."
"No Caroline, just go home. I'll be fine."
"No. I know the transformation is like torture for you. I don't want you to be alone," Caroline said. "I want to be here for you. You said that I helped you the last time by being here."
"You did help me, but I don't deserve your help, Caroline. Yes, the transformation is torture for me, but I deserve to feel that."
"No you don't, Tyler," Caroline told him.
"Yes I do, because you were actually tortured, and I stood there like a stupid coward while it happened. Did I save you? No. Was I a comfort to you? No," he said, looking anywhere but at her. "I tried to come up with a plan to save you, but in the end the only reason you were saved that day was because of Stefan, Damon and Bonnie. I'm really sorry. Just go, let me deal with this alone," he said, turning his back to her now, hoping she would go.
"You've already apologized, and I've already forgiven you. I don't want you to be alone," she said, getting up and walking over to him. "I'm gonna be here for you. You're not getting rid of me, Ty," she said, squeezing his hand.
Tyler wasn't a sentimental guy normally. He wasn't a big hugger either, but there was something about Caroline that brought out both things in him.
"Thank you for still caring," he said, hugging Caroline tightly. "I'm not gonna let you down again, I swear."
"I know you won't," Caroline said, hugging him back.
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Damon wasn't sure how much time had passed, but his guess would be a couple hours. He had finished making the food and it smelled good- so good that even he wanted to take a bite. The pasta and sauce looked great and the chicken looked even better.
Bonnie came down the stairs looking more awake than before.
"That actually smells awesome, Damon," Bonnie commented.
"A compliment from the Judgey one- I'm so flattered," he said, leaning against the counter. "You sleep enough?" he asked her.
"I could do with more, but I think I'm awake enough to have a coherent conversation and not have my eyes start to close every two minutes," Bonnie said, grabbing a spoon to dip in the sauce that Damon made.
Damon waited for her reaction as she put the spoon in her mouth.
"This sucks," she told him.
He was actually kind of offended.
"You don't have to be a bitch about it," he told her, and then Bonnie grinned.
"I'm kidding, ding-dong," she said. "It's delicious."
"That's more like it," Damon said.
"So even though you're making me owe you a favour for this, thanks," Bonnie said, leaning back against the fridge.
"No prob, witchy," Damon said. "You have any idea what's up with Stefan and Elena?"
Bonnie shook her head.
"Seems like there's some trouble in paradise," Damon commented.
"Kind of," Bonnie admitted. "I hope not, though."
Damon didn't respond. He kind of looked like he was lost in his own thoughts about Stefan and Elena, and Bonnie wasn't sure that that was a good thing if things weren't going well between his brother and Elena.
"What's going through your head right now?" she asked him.
"I'm plotting on how to make my brother's girlfriend mine," Damon said dramatically, and Bonnie couldn't help but laugh a little bit.
He must have figured out that that's what she was thinking. "Don't worry Bon-Bon, I'm not going to try to make whatever the hell's wrong with those two worse."
"Good," she said.
"Alrighty, you've got delicious food now, and now it's time for me to go find some food of my own," Damon said, heading for the door.
"Damon-"
"Damon, even though you're my friend now, if you kill some girl tonight I'll have to end you once and for all Please don't do that because I don't actually want to have to have to kill you," Damon said, imitating Bonnie. He flashed her a grin and headed out the door.
Bonnie just rolled her eyes.
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Elena stood at the door to Stefan's house, trying to control her breathing. She'd only just left Bonnie's house. She'd been there for hours, just lying down and thinking. Elena's heart felt so heavy, but she wasn't angry anymore. She saw a bigger, clearer picture when she looked at things differently than she had before.
Her heart was breaking at the moment, but the anger was pretty much gone.
She wasn't ready for this. She didn't know how she was going to do this. She was about to open the door, but Stefan was already there, doing that from the inside.
"Hey," she said quietly, walking in.
"Hi," he said, already worried.
"I know you went to see Katherine again. You've gone to see her a lot lately. Too much for me, Stefan. You know I'm not comfortable with that. It's really hard for me to deal with," Elena said softly to Stefan. "You said her name in your sleep. You were asking where she was."
"It's nothing, Elena. Nothing is happening with her, I promise. I wouldn't do that to you. I love you," Stefan told her, trying to keep himself calm.
"I know you wouldn't do that to me. I know that I get jealous, and sometimes I get a little bit scared, and sometimes I'll think for a second or two that something could be developing again, but I actually know you wouldn't cheat on me- not that you even could with her right now, not while she's in there," she said with a sad smile.
"I love you, Elena. You have to know that," Stefan said, already fearing that certain words were soon going to come out of her mouth. He feared that Katherine's assumption was going to turn into reality.
"I do know that, and I love you too- so much," she said, practically whispering, running her hand down the side of his face. "Shit," she cursed, turning away, trying to wipe her eyes. She had started to cry, and she didn't want to cry in front of him right now.
"This is too familiar. Do not leave me, Elena. Don't. Please," Stefan said, turning her to face him once again, wiping the tears from her face. "What do you need from me? Just tell me. Do you want to know why I go down there? Do you want to know why you heard me say her name?" Stefan said desperately, water starting to pool in his own eyes.
"Stefan, it won't change anything right now, but yes, if you still would be willing to tell me, then yes, I would like to know," Elena said.
"I was talking to her before you got there. She was talking to me in my dream, okay, and then she just cut out. I thought something had happened. Sometimes my dreams are the safest way for me and her to talk in case Elijah shows up or whatever... I didn't think that you would believe me before because I've kind of brought it up a bunch of times and you never really believed it, and this was something really important, something that we can't afford to mess up. I've had to play things really carefully to be ready for anything. Katherine has been a help... This is the truth, Elena. Believe this, okay. I know you trust Elijah, but you can't. You need to believe me. He's been lying to you. He's still working with Klaus. He doesn't want to protect you, he just wants to keep you put until Klaus comes around. He told Katherine and then he compelled her to forget, or so he thought. His compulsion hasn't worked on her in quite awhile. But she's got a plan, and it'll save you and everyone else," Stefan said quietly.
"It has something to do with white ash wood, doesn't it?" Elena said, just as quietly. "I started to remember."
"Remember?" Stefan said. "She thought you just didn't believe her and that's why you never mentioned it."
Elena shook her head. "I just remembered it today, but the day I fell and smacked my head, before I'd seen you and told you that I was really tired, I had been talking to her. It was quite the talk, too... When I saw you I was still trying to figure her out, to figure out if she was just trying to send us all on a wild goose chase to just keep us occupied until Klaus came around and she could offer us up to him. I wanted to do some research about white ash wood and think about my conversation with her a bit more before I told you guys.
"At first I believed her, but then you and Damon popped into my head saying that all she ever did was lie, but in the end I decided that I believed her and that I was going to talk to you guys. When I called you that night saying that we all needed to get together the next day, it was about the white ash wood."
"You believed her when none of us would have," Stefan said.
"I did," Elena said, nodding. "Like I said, we had quite the talk. I learned some things. But ultimately, one of the reasons for me believing that she had a plan to destroy Klaus and that she didn't actually want to hand me over to him came down to me putting myself in her shoes, kind of... I don't know if I'm supposed to tell you all this, but what the hell- she told me that she's loved three people in her life and she clarified that she still loves three people, that this love hasn't faded or gone away," Elena sighed.
"She said that those three people were her mother, her daughter, and you and said that I was connected to every one of them... I had been asking her pretty much since I walked in the tomb if she hated me, and a little bit before she finally answered me, there was this random moment where she told me about her not looking at all like her mother, except for the eyes. She had her mom's eyes and since I look exactly like her, I have her mom's eyes too," Elena explained.
"After a minute or two, she finally told me that she didn't hate me. She hated that I was with you and she made it clear that if and when we all made it through everything that she was gonna fight to get you back, but she didn't hate me. She said like it or not, that I was hers- that I was her blood and that I carried on her bloodline. She said when she looks in my eyes, she sees her mother and she told me that she's generally been looking out for me my whole life. I believed she wanted to keep me safe, because if I was her, I'm pretty sure that even if I didn't have any love for this descendant, the fact that she came from my line, from one of the three people I loved, I would at least want to keep them safe, even if it was only a matter of keeping the family line alive or it being a matter of pride... So Stefan, now that I remember my previous decision to believe her, I do believe you when you say that Elijah's lying, and I'll work with you and her and whoever, but I really do need you and me to be over, not just for me, but for you too."
"Elena, please-"
"I'm gonna love you forever, Stefan Salvatore," Elena said, tears freely flowing from her eyes.
"You know it's gonna be the same for me," he answered desperately. "Don't do this."
"I need you to know that I really do know that you love me. I promise you that I know that. I don't ever want you to think that somehow you weren't good enough to me and that you didn't show me enough how much you loved me. Do you remember when you told me that you would die for me?" she asked him, not even bothering to wipe away the tears, because they just kept flowing.
All he could do was nod. He didn't think he could even form a sentence right now.
"I know you meant that. You've been good to me, Stefan, always made me feel loved and cherished. But things are a bit different now," Elena said, practically choking on the words.
"Why are they different? How are they different?" Stefan asked, rubbing his eyes.
"I might be completely wrong, but I think I've got it right. Some of this is my theory and some of this is fact, but it all comes to the same thing in the end... I think that when you became a vampire and learned that Katherine had compelled you to not be afraid of her, you believed that everything was because of compulsion, that everything was a game to her- that she was only using you and that she never loved you, that she only ever lied to you.
I think that it really got stuck in your head that she never loved you, so in turn you convinced yourself that you never loved her, that she used compulsion to make you love her and not just to take away your fear. And with that, you made yourself hate her. If you hated her, it would hurt you less. Your heart wouldn't be so broken over her death, you wouldn't have to mourn her. I also think that Damon might have been a big motivation in you getting on a path of hatred for Katherine," she said, taking a breath.
"As I've heard the story, you're most of the reason that Damon became a vampire, but Damon hadn't wanted this life, not without Katherine. I think you felt horrible about how much Damon hated what you two had become. I kind of think you pushed down or distorted your own feelings of sadness and loss and love for Katherine because you couldn't take back Damon becoming a vampire, but maybe you could take back your feelings for Katherine and that somehow that could make things better. That's what I think. I think that was a little part of the hate you had for her. I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure I'm right about at least some of that," she said.
"For close to a hundred and fifty years, you've been walking around hating Katherine, or trying to hate her because you believed she never loved you. You thought that she was playing around with you and never gave a damn, and hating her was easy because she was gone, but she's not gone anymore, Stefan."
"That doesn't matter, Elena," Stefan said, reaching for her hand, hoping that he'd wake up and find out that this conversation was just a really horrible dream.
"It does. It really does," she said, absentmindedly rubbing his hand. "She's back, she's real and she's telling you she loves you, and you remember the past with her, and your memories start to come back to you, and in them you remember her loving you and you remember yourself loving her. She keeps saying that she loves you, and it's bound to crack the hate eventually, and it did. And honestly, I don't think there's anyway it couldn't have cracked," Elena said, biting her lip, asking God to give her the strength to get through this conversation without having a complete breakdown.
"Oh yeah," Elena laughed sadly. "She told me to send you her love... As much as any of us want to say that she's a horrible bitch who loves no one but herself, she does love you, Stefan. I know she does. You didn't see her when she was talking about you. Her feelings are real, they were always real. And let's be honest here, why wouldn't she love you? Sometimes you don't see yourself very clearly, you are very easy to love. The hard part is trying not to love you."
"Okay, so maybe she loves me and okay, I don't hate her like I used to. I get along with her again because she's actually showing that there is more inside of her than just evil, but that doesn't mean that I love her, Elena. I love you," Stefan told her, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment, trying to keep more tears away.
Elena pulled him down to her to kiss him one more time. "You do love me. That's not in question. But because you love me, I think you're kind of killing yourself right now. You don't only go see her because you feel sorry for her or to talk about Elijah and Klaus, even if that's what you tell yourself... Because you're trying to stay loyal to me and because you love me, you're breaking inside. You're not letting yourself love her, because you love me and you don't ever want to hurt me. But in the end this is hurting the both of us."
"I don't want you to hurt, and me- I'm not hurting," Stefan said weakly.
"Yeah you are. This hurts Stefan, but I'm not mad at you. I don't hate you. It just hurts because I know she's still with you, but I can't even blame you for that. You try to convince yourself that you hated her and cover up how much you loved her. You went so long believing that she didn't love you, but you have to see by now that she does. Any idiot could tell that she does. You see that she loves you, and a hundred and fifty years worth of hate has to make very little sense, and the old feelings that never really went away- that just got turned into something else- they start to come back... You love me, Stefan, but you love her too and you've been trying to ignore it and deny it," she said.
"I-"
"If you were going to say that you don't love her, it's not true, you do. I don't really think you know it, but you do love her. At the very least, you're confused. You need to come to terms with your feelings and you need to deal with them, one way or another. This kills me, it feels like I'm just handing you over to her and you're supposed to be my guy- but you two aren't done. You're not over. I can't have you thinking, somewhere in the back of your mind- wondering what if.
Katherine and Damon are over, so over. But you and her aren't. There are still feelings floating around. You guys aren't resolved. I can't wonder if somehow she's still in the back of your mind, and you know what, my hurt aside, just thinking about you here, you deserve a chance to figure things out. You deserve to be able to know that she loved you, and that your life and love with her in 1864 wasn't a lie... Even if you don't choose to be with her, you need closure. You need to be sure of everything; you need to be able to say that you don't have any questions left... We can't be together anymore, Stefan."
"Elena, it's you and me. We're supposed to be together. You know we're meant for each other."
"Stop," she said quietly.
"Elena-"
"Stop," she repeated. "Stefan, stop, please."
There was silence for a moment or two.
"I'm not going to be able to convince you otherwise, am I?" He whispered, looking completely and utterly lost. He looked broken.
She shook her head, feeling sick to her stomach.
"I'm sorry that I cause you pain. I love you so much. I never want to hurt you. Never. You are enough for me. I've never wanted you to be anyone else. You are what I've wanted. You've been the best thing that's ever happened to me. You need to know that. I have always loved you for you. Me loving you has never been about Katherine at all. You're leaving me, but I need you to know that. Even if you believe that I still love her- you need to know that me loving you has never been about her, and God strike me dead right this second if I'm lying," Stefan said, trying to keep from completely breaking down.
"I know," she said, eyes shining with tears.
"We're really over?"
"Yes," she sobbed. She just couldn't control her tears, she couldn't hold them back.
"Forever?" he choked. His world was falling down.
"I don't know," she said, clutching her stomach. This hurt, physically and emotionally.
"So what do you want? You want me to go running to her? And then what- you're gonna run to my brother, aren't you?" Stefan said, barely able to get the last part off of his tongue. "Do you love him, too?"
"Stefan, I love you, I always did. You've always been insecure about that. I've always wanted you. I wasn't carrying a secret torch for your brother. You need to know that."
Stefan gave a weak nod.
"I care about him. He's important to me, but we've never been anything besides friends. I don't know what will happen- for any of us, but do not ever think that I would leave you and then jump to your brother two seconds later. All I know is that what you and me need to always remember is that whatever does happen in the future- our love was and will always be real and beautiful."
Stefan took her face in his hands one last time and kissed her lips softly. "Look at me," he said. "I'm not going to let anything happen to you. Elijah and Klaus are not going to get you. We're all gonna work together and we're going to beat them, but even after this whole Klaus/sacrifice/curse crap is over with, if you ever need me, you tell me and I will be right there. I will be there in a second. I promise you I will always be here for you, love is never going to go away."
"Same goes for you with me," she said, and then she couldn't take it anymore. She ran out of his house.
She knew they needed to talk about Klaus and the white ash wood, but she couldn't do it right now, at least not just with him and her. Tomorrow she'd wrangle everyone together and she'd pull herself together too. Right now, all she could do was cry.
