Ed the Soap Opera Star

Woman in soap: But why my dear beloved? Why can't we become one under the stars of night.

Ed: I can not tell. For if I do, you will be scarred.

Woman in soap: I don't care! I love you! More than myself!

Ed: I'll possibly be sent to Azkaban, or maybe even Impel down.

Woman in soap: If that should hapen, then I would go with you.

Ed: Do you remember the episode after your brothers death?

Woman in soap: Yes. He was beaten to death by a man with a heavy accent.

Ed: And do you remember the episode before your best friends departure to the other world?

Woman in soap: Yes I do. She got drunk and drove her car off of a cliff.

Ed: And do you remember the episode when my cousin was publicly executed?

Woman in soap: Yes, but what point are you trying to make?

Ed: After each of those deaths I was given a wish.

Woman in soap: And?

Ed: I gathered information about my family through those wishes.

Woman in soap: That's wonderful!

Ed: No it's not! It's the reason in which we are unable to be brought together in holy matrimony.

Woman in soap: What do you mean? Please explain!

Ed: My great aunt who was twice removed was married to my uncle. She got divorced and married my uncles son. My uncles son divorced my aunt, but died of AIDS. My great aunt then married your grandfather. She died of a drug addiction, but came back to life. She got married with a man who owned a food mart in California, but killed him in order to get insurance money. After serving ten years in jail, she met your father. Your father caused her to become pregnant. She had me.

Woman in soap: ...okay?

Ed: Do you know what that means?

Woman in soap: ...uhhh, no.

Ed: It means that my mother is my great aunt, my aunt, your grandmother, and my mother! It also means that we are half-siblings!

Woman in soap: ohhhhhhh...but we can still get married! This is a soap opera! We may die! We may be jailed! We may even become sterile! But no matter what! And I mean no mater what! We will never be split apart!

Ed: Who made this stupid script!

Russel: Shut up and get back to work! You're still getting paid!

Ed: Just because my character's ratings are down doesn't mean that you have to get rid of me!