I am relieved that people don't seem to mind the long chapters! Thank you! Love, IJKS xxx

Chapter Forty Nine

Monday 27th April

14:08

Home

My world could potentially be crashing down around my ears and I have no idea what to do. Everything has been going so perfectly. Joey and I have been so happy. I've never been so happy in all my life. Why did this have to happen? Why did I have to be so fucking stupid? If she finds out about Hugo, Joey will leave me. I know she will. And now I'm terrified that that's exactly what's going to happen. What will I do then? How could I be with Joey for these amazing two weeks and then lose her? I couldn't do that. I'd die. I know I would.

It was all going so nicely. Joey and I woke up pretty early and had a delightful little roll in the hay before work. I got showered and she was still in bed when I came back in the room. We immediately started getting carried away again so I strictly sent her out to put the coffee on while I got dressed. She helped me get undressed.

I was just making the bed when I found one earring from the pair my dad bought me as a 21st birthday present. I hadn't even noticed that I'd lost them until now and I didn't realise the significance until I came out looking for them. Joey asked when the last time I'd seen them was and I realised I'd been wearing them the night that she and I had been forced to separate. It was the night I spent with Hugo.

Ruby realised at the same time I did but fortunately, she stayed quiet. Joey scampered off for a shower and Ruby made some comment about Hugo that I really didn't appreciate. I carried on looking for the earring but it didn't seem to be anywhere. I'd been in a state about it because it has sentimental meaning for me but now I'm absolutely terrified. Joey is far more important than any piece of jewellery or, frankly, anything at all. I have to find it. Or at least make sure she never finds out how I came to lose it.

I dropped Joey to work and she was just so sweet, encouraging me about my earring without understanding why it was so important. I just hope she never knows. Maybe I made a mistake by not telling her the truth from the off. Perhaps she could have found a way to forgive me if I had been honest. What will she do if she finds out now? I just hope she doesn't.

Anyway, once I'd dropped her off, I swung by the Diner to grab my obligatory coffee for work. I really need to cut back on that stuff, I think. While I was in there, I called Hugo but he didn't pick up. He hasn't picked up all day and I think I'm close to blocking up his inbox by now. I just hope he picks them up soon and we can resolve this whole thing once and for all. There's no need for Joey to find out what happened between us and I couldn't bear it if she did.

I was hardly able to concentrate all morning. I kept ringing Hugo and I kept panicking about Joey. She phoned me and asked if I'd like to meet her at home for lunch, which I have. I very almost forgot the stress of the situation while we ate though – not because it's not important but because she's just so lovely. She was at her most adorable this afternoon.

Apparently this morning at the shop, a girl she went to school with came up to her and said that news had got round about what happened with Brett and the car and everything. She said she'd been really nervous about it all but the girl had told her that they all knew at school that she was gay. She was so cute, the way she was talking about it and said she wished they'd told her, as it might have made things a little easier.

I asked if the girl was a friend from school but she said that she didn't have any friends. It made me laugh but it also makes me kind of sad to think of how lonely she was growing up. We've talked about our histories at length and she's been really honest with me. She suffered a lot at school. I wish I'd have known her then. Perhaps we could have saved each other somehow.

I haven't told her about Grant but I have alluded to 'bad stuff' that happened when I was younger. And I really think I will tell her about it one day. And that's something I never thought I would say. I adamantly decided a long time ago that NOBODY will ever know what happened to me and what the result was. But I love and trust Joey so much that I find myself not wanting to keep secrets from her. Except the Hugo one, obviously. I have to keep that one from her at all costs. If she found out now, it would be too long after the fact for it to be resolved. I either needed to tell her straight away or not at all and I opted for the latter.

She said the sweetest thing over lunch as well. She said that when she was younger, she had no idea how lucky she would get by ending up with me. I wish so much that that was true. She's not lucky to have me. Joey Collins is the most special, wonderful woman in the world. In all honesty, she deserves to be with someone who can match that. She deserves someone who would have recognised how incredible she was from that start, someone that wouldn't have given a shit what people thought and would have snapped her up immediately. She deserves someone who never would have cheated on her. I know I don't deserve her. I know that. I always have.

But I'm selfish. That's one of the reasons why I don't deserve her. I'm selfish and I am absolutely desperate to keep her. I have to have her in my life and I have no idea what would happen if I lost her. And even though I'm not good enough, I will always try to be. I will always love her, trust her, care for her, protect her... I'd do anything for her.

Once she'd gone back to work, I started looking for the earring again. Ruby found me and basically told me not to bother because the earring is clearly at Hugo's. I've tried to call him again but he just won't pick up. I don't even think his phone can be on because it keeps going straight to voicemail. It doesn't ring. Maybe he's out at sea and has no reception. I don't know. But I have to contact him. This whole thing is driving me crazy. As much as I keep hoping, I know Ruby's right. The chances of the earring being here is minimal. Hang on, I'm going to try him again.


Monday 27th April

14:28

Home

I still can't get through to him. I'm going round there. I'm just going to get changed and then I'm heading over. I just hope Martha isn't there. She's been pretty weird around me and I know she's judging me for what happened with Hugo. And so she fucking should.


Tuesday 28th April

02:18

Work

It's all over. Joey's gone. I hate myself. I wish I was dead.


Tuesday 28th April

02:59

Work

I feel so empty. I hate myself so much. I don't even know why I'm surprised. I don't deserve to be happy. If I'm the kind of person who can betray someone so good and gentle and loving and pure as Joey, then I don't deserve happiness. I certainly don't deserve it with her. I knew things were going too well. What kind of moron finds the love of their life and loses her in two weeks? I should put 'screwing up' on my CV. It's the thing I'm best at.


Tuesday 28th April

04:13

Work

I keep trying to work but I just keep crying. You'd think having a fire to investigate would help but it's not. I've tried to call her so many times, regardless of the obscene hour but she keeps hanging up on me. And the last few times I tried it went straight to voice mail so I guess she's turned her phone off.

I wonder where she is tonight. Where has she gone? Is she at her brother's or has she gone somewhere else? Is she at home? Is she okay? Has she managed to sleep or is she awake like I am, turning everything over in her mind? I miss her so much already. It feels like there's a hole in my heart. I'm going to phone again.


Tuesday 28th April

04:21

Work

I've officially left too many messages. I called but just got an automatic voice saying that the inbox is full. I'm going to do whatever it takes to see her tomorrow, when this eternal shift finally finishes. I don't care what it takes. I have to see her. I have to talk to her. I have to explain. I have to make sure she knows how much I love her. Hugo was a stupid mistake. And retrospectively, lying about it was dumb too. I just panicked. And I made two idiotic decisions. I just hope that I can make things right somehow.


Tuesday 28th April

06:40

Work

I officially can't concentrate on work. I just found a little note from Joey in my bag when I was searching for tissues so I didn't have to walk through the reception area covered in snot and tears. She must have put it in there this morning or lunch time. It says:

My beautiful Charlie,

This is just a quick note to say that I love you so much. I can't even begin to say how much I am NOT looking forward to us being apart tonight. These last two weeks of lying in your arms each night have been so amazing. But I'm planning (if Leah doesn't mind) to cook you a nice and filling meal before you start your shift and I look forward to waking up and finding you there in the morning. Maybe we'll even have time for 'dessert' before you leave tonight!

I love you so much.

Forever yours,

Joey xxx

I really, really hate myself.


Tuesday 28th April

07:11

Work

I've been staring at the note for half an hour. It's a little tear stained now but I am going to keep it forever. I hate to think that this might be all I end up with.


Tuesday 28th April

09:02

Home

I arrived home from work just as Ruby was about to leave for school with Annie. The first thing I asked was whether Joey was home. Ruby sent Annie out and told me that Joey moved most of her stuff out last night. I know already that Joey's never going to forgive me, although I'm still determined to try and get her back. I need her.

Ruby was right all along. She told me off at the time and I deserved it. To be honest, I deserve everything I get. Once she left for school, I sank onto the couch, trying not to cry. Then I found Joey's iPod under the couch cushions. I wept.

I guess now is as good a time as any to explain how she found out. I gather from Leah that she was in the Diner, asking if it would be okay to cook for us all tonight. She wanted to do pasta because it's one of my favourite meals. Pippa showed up with Hugo's phone (he'd lost it, which is why he didn't answer any of my calls), and Joey offered to take it round to him on her way to the shops.

She went round and Hugo was really grateful. To say thank you, he invited her in and offered her a free diving course. As he was finding a flyer, she spotted my earring on the desk. She'd made me show her the other one earlier in the day so that if she did find it, she would recognise it and be helpful in returning it to me.

Hugo denied that it was mine at first and lied that it must be Martha's. But she knew. Of course she did. And she played him expertly. She made out like she already knew I'd spent the night with him. And the moron fell for it. No, that's not fair. I know he didn't mean to drop me in it. He's a good guy and he promised to keep it a secret.

He made it worse though by offering relief that I'd come clean about what happened because he was afraid that Xavier or Ruby would let it slip. I can't even imagine how that would have made her feel. It must have sounded like we were all in on it except her, like we were making fun of her behind her back or something. And it just wasn't like that. Martha and Xavier saw me leave Hugo's room and I honestly don't think Ruby has ever been more furious with me. As much as she struggled to deal with me loving Joey at first, she's told me a lot of times since then that she now thinks we make a great couple and recognises just how much I adore her. I just hope Joey realises it too.

As soon as he realised that he'd completely dropped me in it and Joey had left, Hugo called me and pre-warned me. For that, I really am grateful. I don't know, if she had come home and confronted me about it, if I would have told the truth. But at least I knew what was going on before she arrived (if just barely).

It didn't help though. I've never seen her like that. She was so hurt. I couldn't bear the look in her eyes. All I wanted to do was rush towards her, hold her and beg for her forgiveness. And I would have if she hadn't left.

She came back and hit me with the truth right away. I confessed. She tried to leave and I begged for the chance to explain. She stayed temporarily and asked if I loved Hugo. The very idea is ridiculous. I love Joey and only Joey. I've only ever loved Joey. She says I have a funny way of showing it. I told her that Hugo was a mistake and I lied because I was scared of losing her. She moved to leave. I tried to grab her and make her stay but she hissed at me not to touch her and stormed off. I've never seen her angry like that. She's so gentle and placid. I must have hurt her even worse than I even thought I had, which was quite considerably.

I had to get ready for my shift but on my way to work, I went to see Hugo. I don't know why I thought it would help. It didn't. He could only repeat to me the same thing he said on the phone. I cried. I never cry in front of people. The only person other than Mum, Dad, Ruby and Auntie Michelle that I've actually ever cried in front of is Joey. That goes to show how much she means to me. That goes to show how much I trust her. I just wish she could trust me. Well, the problem of course is that she did trust me. And I let her down. I let her down completely. It's unforgiveable. Hugo tried to comfort me. Martha walked in with that same curious, judgemental expression on her face and I hurried out to work.

I've never been so upset at being on duty before. I've always relished my job but all I wanted to do was back out and look for Joey and try to talk it through. In a lot of ways, I wish I had. And I was going to, except I got a call to say there had been a big fire at the caravan park and I needed to attend.

We're not sure what happened exactly yet but somehow a tin drum fire thing got knocked over and a van went up. Claudia and Geoff were doing it inside, which was unfortunate. Between Miles, Kirsty, Jai, Ruby and Joey, they were rescued safely and went to hospital.

I clocked Joey as soon as I got there. She ran off out the back and I was completely unprofessional and abandoned everyone. I chased her out and tried to talk to her but she wasn't interested. I do think I might have got somewhere if work hadn't got in the way though. At least she was actually talking to me, which was different than when we were at home.

Oh, that word is making me feel sick. It was home. It was our home. We were living together. I loved someone that much that I was prepared to be all domesticated and committed and everything that goes with a long term relationship. Shame I couldn't keep my pants on earlier, hey?

I told her that I never meant to hurt her and that Hugo was a mistake that should never have happened. I tried to explain how stressful it all was – being called a sexual predator and everything. And that I was terrified of never seeing her again.

Joey cut to the chase of course and told me exactly what she thought. She suggested that I slept with Hugo because I was trying to prove that I was straight. She knows me too well and I had to admit that it was true. At least in part. She asked if I enjoyed it and I told her it was a mistake. Retrospectively, I should have made it clear how horrible it was. I will make sure I do that when I see her today (if she gives me the chance).

I begged her not to let it matter and that I didn't tell her because I didn't want to hurt her. She said that the worst thing is that I went from his bed to hers. She said it makes her feel like she means nothing to me. I wish so badly that she knew how much she meant to me. Hugo wasn't real. It wasn't a representation of my feelings. My feelings are honestly everything I've told her these past two weeks.

I love her. I need her. I want to be with her. She is everything to me. And I have to find a way to prove it to her. I have to tell her exactly how I feel and more. I will. I'm not going to let her walk away from me. I can't.

But last night, I had to. Ruby interrupted us because I was needed back in the house to figure out what on earth had caused the fire. Joey took the opportunity to run off. I have no idea where she went but I do know she showed up here later to pack her stuff.

The truth of the matter is that Joey hates me and I hate myself for deserving it. All I can hope is that all that love inside her, all that honesty and compassion and tenderness... I hope it can be reached. I hope that she'll realise what a pathetic mess I am without her, that I need her. And then I hope she'll find it in her heart to forgive me and take me back. I will do anything necessary to prove to her exactly what she means to me. I don't care what it takes. Joey Collins is the most surprising but most definite love of my life. I can't live without her.

Ooh! Text! Maybe it's Joey!


Tuesday 28th April

11:31

Home

It wasn't Joey. But it was Ruby. Joey texted her to say that she was going over to collect the rest of her stuff. She wanted to check that I was out. Ruby said (and I quote): I told her you were out so if you are, get your butt back home pronto and make her realise how much you love her! R xxx

I am home. And I'm going to get myself ready and geared up to beg her to stay.


Tuesday 28th April

12:01

Home

I'm washed, dressed and ready to see Joey. Apparently she's going to be here at lunch time so I have to make sure I get this right. I have to make her see that I can't live without her. I don't know whether constantly crying is going to be a good or bad thing though. And unfortunately, I'm going to have to find out because I literally can't stop. I was holding it together and then I went into our room and found her PJ's – the ones I bought her when we went shopping that time – and I just broke down. I hugged them and inhaled them. They smell like her. What am I going to be like when I actually see her? I need coffee.


Tuesday 28th April

13:49

Home

It didn't go well. I didn't convince her to love me again. She's gone. I have no idea what to do. She left in tears. And she left me in tears. I don't think I'm ever going to stop crying. And she left her iPod behind again. Maybe I'll hold it to ransom.


Tuesday 28th April

14:00

Home

Okay, this is how it went. I was making coffee in a bid to distract myself. I made enough so that Joey could have some if she wanted some when she got here. She didn't. I was just pouring when I heard the door. I literally ran into the living room and she was clearly stunned to see me. She said Ruby had told her I wouldn't be home. I said something dumb like "I am." I mean, what the hell was that? Obviously I was. I was standing right in front of her. She said Ruby must have lied and then she told me she was just here to collect the rest of her stuff. I begged for an opportunity to talk. She said she didn't have time. I begged her some more.

She agreed and we tentatively sat down together. I offered her coffee in a bid to prolong things but she said no. She said she just wanted to get things over with as quickly as possible. I poured my heart out. I told her how much I loved her and how much she had changed me. I made it clear that sleeping with Hugo was the worst decision I'd ever made and confirmed that I definitely hadn't enjoyed it. I begged her not to throw something so special away over a stupid mistake. She told me that I was the one who had thrown it away.

I fell onto my knees and she let me hold her hands as I begged forgiveness. I said I couldn't live without her and that she made me a better person. I admitted that I was a complete fuck up and said that I knew I didn't deserve her. But I said I needed her and she was more important to me than I could ever describe. She told me that it wasn't enough.

She said she felt humiliated and that the thing that hurt the most was that these were the best two weeks of her entire life and it was all a lie. I said it wasn't a lie. I loved her and every single thing I've said and done has been the truth. She told me I wouldn't know the truth if it hit me in the face.

Then she stood up and began gathering the rest of her things. I followed her miserably but didn't help. There was no way I was going to assist her in walking out on me. I pleaded with her the whole time and I sacrificed every ounce of dignity I had left. She forgot the pyjamas. Either that or she didn't want them. I didn't remind her. If I've lost her forever then I'm desperate to keep something that she's worn, loved and been close to. I can still picture her face when I treated her to all that stuff. Unfortunately, every time I picture her happy, the image is immediately trashed by the image of her being so sad.

When she left the bedroom for the final time, I followed her and on the way out, I saw that she'd left the rose I'd bought her early on in our apparently brief relationship. I gave it to her a few days ago, having seen it in a shop I was called to at work. They'd been robbed and I had to go and take statements and everything. Before I left, I saw this beautiful, material, red rose on sale. I bought it (amid Watson cooing over how 'in love Charlie' was very cute) and brought it home to Joey. She'd been delighted and kept it proudly on the dresser so we could see it when we got ready each morning. I'd told her that it was the kind of rose that could never die, just like the love I had for her. It was corny but it's true.

So, when I saw it still there, I grabbed it and gave chase. She told me that our love had died so there was no need to keep it. I said that even if she hated me, I would always love her and begged her to take it. She was uncertain but she took it rather tearfully in the end. She'll probably dump it or burn it or something but that's her choice, I guess. I hope she keeps it.

She was just about to leave with all her bags packed when she turned back to me. She dug her key out of her pocket, complete with the little key chain I'd given it to her with. I cried harder and so did she. Then she dug around in her pocket and pulled out a box. She left before I could open it. She'd taken the one earring from the missing and incriminating pair, and she'd bought lookalikes out of her first pay packet in case I didn't find it. I would have followed her but I physically and emotionally broke down on the living room floor.

And now here I am. I think it's safe to assume that she hates me and never wants to see me again. I don't know what to do with myself. I want to chase her down and beg her again but maybe she just needs time. I've said everything that I can say and it's not been enough. Maybe if I give her the space to breathe, she might realise that she misses me and loves me. Maybe then she'll come home. Please, Joey. Please come home. I need you. I cannot live without you.


Tuesday 28th April

19:32

Home

She's gone. She's left me. She's gone off on a long haul for the next three months. There was nothing I could do to make her stay. I didn't want her to. I begged. But as much as it hurts, I think maybe it's the right thing.

She's been through so much. She's so broken. I did that to her. I destroyed her. I don't think I'm any better than Robbo at this point. I hurt her differently but I still hurt her. She trusted me with her heart, her heart that was so, so fragile, and I stamped all over it.

I am not a good person. I never deserved Joey in the first place. I didn't want her to but perhaps she needed to go. Maybe when she comes home – and she did indicate that she would – maybe then we could give it another try. She could take the time to heal and we could start again.

We could begin on the right foot this time and we could get through. Maybe in three months, she will have forgiven me for what I did. I know that I am going to miss her every single day. And I know that I deserve to miss her. But I will be here, waiting for her. And she moment she gets back, I will prove myself. I will do everything I can to be good enough for her the next time around.

I'm trying so damn hard to be reasonable about this. I'm trying so damn hard to be accepting and strong and in control. Inside, I'm dying.


Wednesday 29th April

02:44

Home

I can't sleep. I just can't stop picturing my darling sailing away from me. I wish I could have done this different. Fuck acceptance. Fuck being rational and calm about this. Fuck everything. I need her. I love her. And I will never ever forgive myself for losing her.


Wednesday 29th April

03:21

Home

Please come home, Joey.


Wednesday 29th April

03:32

Home

Please?


Wednesday 29th April

04:59

Home

I love you, Joey. I need you. Please come back. Please?


Wednesday 29th April

05:19

Home

I wonder if it's possible to die from grief and loneliness. If it is, judging by how I feel, I haven't got long left.


Wednesday 29th April

06:15

Home

I hate myself so much. I really thought I could be happy with Joey. I was happy with Joey. We could have been so amazing together. We were so amazing together. She was everything I didn't even know I wanted. She brought out the best in me. I was thinking about marriage and kids and buying houses and pets and dumb stuff like that. I'd even booked the day off work for our one month anniversary. And now she's gone and it's all my fault.


Wednesday 29th April

07:48

Home

I can't breathe in this room. Everything reminds me of Joey. There are memories of her everywhere. I feel like I'm dying. I've got to get out of here. I wonder if her boat's gone too far for me to swim to her and beg her to come home.


Wednesday 29th April

09:12

Home

Well, it's the beginning of another awful day and at this point, I can't see anything getting better. Ever.

I got up in the end and drove down to the beach. I sat on the hood of my car, staring out to sea for ages, just wondering where Joey was and if she was alright. The image of her sailing away from me is burnt into my mind now.

There were so many things I should have said and done. I have so many regrets that I've lost count. I've never really taken breakups and heartache that seriously. I mean, I know I was upset when Roman and I broke up. I was hideously upset. I mean, I slept with Angelo for goodness sake! Yet another regret. But I was upset with the humiliation and the fact that it wasn't over on my terms.

But this is different. Joey has been different the whole way. I honestly believe that she was my soul mate. But I lost her. And worse than that, I deserved to lose her. All I can hope is that in three months time, she'll come home and we can start again. I miss her so much already though. How am I going to last until 28th July? That feels like years away. I don't think I can do it.

I should write it all down, I suppose. Capture the heartache.

After Joey left the house, I cried for ages. Then I wrote in here. And then I took her iPod and went for a walk. I burst into tears when I realised that she'd put together a 'CJ Playlist'. It was full of these lovely songs about me and her and how much we loved each other. I sat down on the wharf with my toes in the water, wondering what the hell to do next when that song 'Love Only Hurts' came on. I cried harder.

After a little while, Ruby appeared. She was on a library period but she said she was worried abut me so decided to come and find me and see how I was. The answer was 'not good'. She wanted to know how things went with Joey and I gave her a very brief summary. Ruby said that she'd hoped that Joey would just forgive me and we'd make up. That makes two of us, I guess.

To be honest, judging by what Joey said before she left, I think it probably makes three of us. That's one of the many things that makes me feel so sick about it. She loved me so completely. All that girl wanted was to be with me. She would have done anything for me. I know that. And I'm also starting to realise that if only I had confessed from the off, she might well have been able to forgive me. I think she wanted to. But even Joey has a limit. And I pushed it too far. I pushed it and I lost her.

I didn't know at that point that Joey was planning on leaving town, although I really should have figured it out. She was going to leave town before we got together. I hurt her so much then that she wanted to get as far away from me as possible. It makes sense that she'd do that now. But when I was sitting there with Ruby I stupidly said that all I could think to do was hope that she'd miss me enough to come back and try to work things out. Even Ruby knew that that was a dumb idea. She told me to fight for her. So I tried.

I went round to Brett's house to try and find Joey, on the pretence that I was returning her iPod. He was obviously delighted to see me – NOT! I asked to see her and he said that she'd left already. He said she'd taken a job out at sea for the next few months and I'd missed her.

I ran down to the docks as fast as my legs would carry me and I caught her just as she was getting on the boat. My beautiful Joey was all set to sail away from me. She waited though. She let me catch up. I begged her to stay but she was adamant about leaving. I begged her to give us some time to work through things but she said she didn't think it would work if she stayed. She said that she doesn't know if she can forgive me for what I did. I don't blame her. I don't think – even if things did miraculously work out – that I could ever forgive myself.

But she did say that she hopes when she gets back, maybe we could try. I still think three months is too long. Can't she just clear her head for a month, or a week, or a day, or an hour or something? Can't she just hold on to all the assertions she made that she can't live without me? Can't she just stay?

I know I'm being ridiculous. Of course she wasn't going to stay. I fucked up too badly and too many times. I continued to beg but she refused. I gave her back her iPod, although part of me wanted to cling to it and to her and never let them go. She was in a hurry but we stood there, gazing at each other until she got nagged to get a move on. I tried to memorise her face, although it cut me to see her so sad. She was in a baggy brown shirt and had one of her cute little beanies on. It was the black one. I've been a fan of that for a long time.

She told me she'll miss me. I couldn't even speak. I just nodded or something stupid like that. It took everything I had not to dissolve into a puddle on the floor. Then she kissed me goodbye. Then she left.

She watched me until I was out of sight. She stood at the back of the boat until I couldn't see her anymore. And for a moment there, she looked like she was going to say something. I wanted to speak too. I wanted to tell her that I loved her but I was too choked up. I just sat on the dock for ages, crying my heart out over my lost love.

I don't know exactly how long I stayed there but it was dark when Ruby showed up to take me home. I felt numb and broken. I couldn't speak and I couldn't cry. Rubes was lovely. She didn't try to make me talk about it and she didn't offer anything but support. I had a bad night and I couldn't sleep. Everything reminds me of Joey and everything hurts so much. And that leads me to now.

I got up and went for a drive, as I've said. I stared out at the sea for ages and then Aden appeared beside me. He looked almost as miserable as I did. There was some article in the paper about Belle having an affair in rehab with that singer, Liam Murphy. I didn't know that at the time but I found out when I got home just now and the paper was on the kitchen table. No wonder he's feeling so down.

He came and sat with me and said that he'd heard that Joey had taken off. He asked if I was okay and I told him how shitty I feel about stuffing up a great relationship. He was feeling much the same and I took him back to his place for a coffee.

He's the person I associate most with Joey. If he hadn't brought her pain to my attention then I might never have got to know her. However brief it was, she touched and changed my life. And for however sad I am right now, I'm glad I met her. I just wish I had been good enough for her.

When we got to the house, Roman was asleep on the couch and he looked pretty washed out. Aden said that he's been having real trouble sleeping since the accident and has generally been a mess.

We went into the kitchen and talked for a bit. He immediately asked about me and Joey. Nicole came in and seemed to want me to leave but Aden was pretty adamant that I stayed, even though I offered to head out.

When we were alone again, we talked some more about Joey. He said he was surprised. I doubt he could have been as surprised as me though! I found that I really wanted to talk to him about it actually. But it felt weird. Talking about my girlfriend (can I call her that still?) to her best friend in my ex-boyfriend's kitchen... it was just odd. He said we could just talk about something else though. He suggested football. I cracked that I wasn't that gay yet. My first gay joke! That's got to be progress, right? Shame it's too fucking late.

Our chat was interrupted by Roman freaking out in the lounge. He'd woken up from a nightmare and was all over the place. He freaked out further when he realised that I'd been in his house without him knowing about it. He yelled at Aden and pretty much kicked me out. So, here I am. The house is empty and full of sadness. Please come home, Joey. I need you.


Wednesday 29th April

23:09

Home

It's been a long day. I spent most of it pining over Joey. I just miss her so much. I wanted to put on the earrings that she bought me because I want to keep her close. But won't that be too painful? It's not like it can get worse though, can it? It's not like I can just forget about her. I'll never ever forget about her. Earrings or no earrings, Joey's going to stay in my head and my heart forever. I just wish I could numb the pain somehow. I feel like I've lost everything. I have lost everything.

Once I got home, I just kind of floated round the house. I had a shower and broke down when the steam on the mirror revealed an 'I love you' message. I know it was to me from Joey. She must have done it before she found out on Monday. I didn't notice it yesterday.

I hung around our bedroom... my bedroom now, I guess... and cried into her pillow. Some of her hairs were still on it. I wept over them. Is this what our relationship has been reduced to? Hairs on a pillow? How tragic.

At lunch time, Roman showed up. How he managed to get here, I have no idea. It must have been pretty hard for him to walk all that way just from memory and with no sight. I offered him lunch and he apologised for going off at me before. We sat down together and he asked about Joey. Aden had told him and he was really shocked that it was true. Oh, and he did that typical man thing about "did I turn you off men?" As if!

Falling in love with a woman wasn't about a rejection of men. It was about finding someone so amazing that I wanted to share my life with them, and she just happened to be a woman. I loved Joey for who she was, not because I was hurt by or couldn't find anyone else. To be honest, I don't understand why the whole of Summer Bay wasn't in love with Joey. She was that perfect.

Anyway, I told Roman not to flatter himself. He asked if I was gay and I guess I still don't have an answer to that. I like men. I always have. And I haven't been attracted to another woman than Joey. But I was more attracted to Joey than I have ever been to anyone else I've ever met put together. What is that meant to mean? I have no idea. Like I said to Roman, I think I'll need about ten years of therapy to figure all this out. And it's something I'm considering. Maybe talking to someone while Joey is away will help me clear my head a bit.

I know that when she comes home, I'll have to be a changed person. I'll have to prove my worth and make sure that I'm good enough for her. If she comes home, she's not just going to gather me into her arms. It's going to be a long, hard road and I have to do everything I can to make sure I'm strong enough to be the person she needs me to be, to be the person she deserves. That's assuming she comes home, of course. I can't even contemplate what will happen to me if she doesn't.

Roman and I talked a little about his situation too. I think I'm the first person he's started to confide in. It was nice, even though we were discussing painful subjects. I felt, for the first time, like we had finally regained our friendship after the horrible breakup. I was able to see the nice guy he is aside from the man who hurt me. And quite frankly, the way he treated me is nothing compared to how I treated my poor, beautiful Joey. Just thinking about her makes me cry. I have no idea how I've even slept a night without her already. Well, I guess I didn't sleep really. How am I going to live without her? I'm not strong enough to do this.

I'm getting distracted. I was meant to be writing about Roman. But I can never seem to stop thinking about Joey long enough for it to happen. It's been that way since I met her. In fact, looking through this diary, it's been that way for longer. I knew, even when she was a stranger, that we were connected. I must have. I couldn't stop writing about her and looking out for her. Even when I didn't know how incredible she was, I cared about her.

For fuck's sake... I was writing about Roman! I'm worried about him. He's having a lot of nightmares and he's struggling to let anyone in. He started opening up to me but then Leah came in and interrupted us. Roman couldn't get out of there fast enough and Leah was really upset.

I drove him home and we walked in the house to find Belle (strangely out of rehab) yelling at Aden about sleeping with Nicole. Belle left in a state, Roman exploded, Aden apologised. I did everything I could to calm them all down. It didn't work. I left when I'd made sure that Roman wasn't actually going to commit murder and Nicole had come home. I hope they're all okay. I dread to think what Roman is going to do. His one rule when Aden moved in was that he didn't touch Nicole.

I left when it felt safe and tried to find Belle but she was long gone. When I got home, Leah was a bit tearful. I explained to her that Roman had nothing against her and that it was just bad timing and not to take it personally.

I also told her about the Aden and Belle situation. She said she'd seen Belle on the beach before she came home and so Aden and Nicole's rendezvous probably explains her mood. She phoned the clinic to see if she was back safely but nobody had heard from her. Apparently she was on some kind of day pass.

I tried to phone Aden a little while ago, worried that if Roman threw him out, he'd have nowhere to go. He didn't pick up though so I'm still quite worried about him. But I can only help him if he lets me so I don't see the point in hassling him.

I also phoned Joey. I knew she'd be out of range, if she's even keeping her phone at all. And, as I suspected, it was turned off. But her voicemail was on and I phoned over and over again without leaving messages in order to hear her voice. I just hope the phone was actually off and not out of reception. Otherwise she'll have a million missed calls from me, which isn't really what she needs. I want to give her the space she wants and then hopefully, she'll come home to me and we can sort all of this out.

I understand why she's gone – and not just because I hurt her so badly. She's strong willed and she knows her own mind. She knows exactly what she needs to do in order to try and heal. And when she kissed me, when she said goodbye, I saw that she still loved me. I know she wants to forgive me. So if this is what she feels she needs to do in order to get there, I have to let her. And I have to let her do it in peace. What's that saying? If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, you can love them forever and if they don't, they were never yours to begin with. I know that Joey and I were meant to be. I know it. She'll come home. She has to.

This evening, I spent a bit of time with Leah and then I spent some time with Ruby. We didn't really talk when she brought me home yesterday but we did talk this evening. She admitted that on the night Joey found out, she (Ruby), gave Hugo a piece of her mind. And she thinks he took advantage of me. I don't know if that's true. I mean, I haven't thought about it like that before. I was definitely vulnerable and not in my right mind but does that mean he took advantage? I did consent. I kissed him and I let him take me back to his bed. It's not like it was rape or anything. It wasn't Grant. But I was messed up. And he did know that. Ruby said that that's enough. She said he did wrong by sleeping with me knowing that I'd fully regret it in the morning. She said he took advantage.

Anyway, she told me about Joey coming home to pack her stuff on Monday night. Apparently Rubes begged her to stay. She told her how crazy I was about her but Joey just made a remark about being crazy enough to cheat on her. Ruby tried to explain that I didn't tell her because I was terrified of losing her. Joey apologised that she was being caught in the middle of it. She doesn't know where she's going or what she's going to do but said she couldn't stay with me for another night. I wonder when she decided that she was going to sail away from Summer Bay? From me?

Also, Ruby has had a squabble with Annie. Apparently Annie made some kind of comment about it being good that me and Joey have split up because she thinks I would be happier with a man. Ruby snapped at her about being judgemental. And it's that kind of opinion that made this whole thing worse.

I know I have to take responsibility for my actions. And I do. But if only things hadn't gone the way they had – with the homophobia, the humiliation and the charges that were being held against me – if only those things hadn't happened and Joey and I had been allowed to stay together that night, I know none of this would ever have happened. If only I hadn't been such a screw up, I'd still be all sappy and happy and in love and looking forward to our one month anniversary. I thought, when I booked the 13th off that I'd be having an amazing day. Now I'm just going to be feeling miserable.

Maybe I should go into work after all. I think keeping busy is going to be my salvation here. It's the only thing I can think to do really. Keep myself busy while I wait for my love to return.


Thursday 30th April

20:29

Home

I pretty much sat and moped all day today and even though it's only eight thirty, all I want to do is crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep like I did last night – like I think I'm going to do every night until Joey comes home to me.

I hope she's happy out at sea. She was always so at home out on the ocean but she'd been nervous about trawler work again because of what happened to her. So I hope she's safe out there. I hope she's doing okay. And is it wrong that I hope she's missing me? I miss her so much that I can hardly bear it.

Apparently Aden slept on the beach last night. Roman threw him out after discovering the truth about him and Nicole. I just wish he'd picked up his phone. I could have helped him if he'd only let me know what was going on.

But Ruby said that Miles has let him stay in one of the caravans so at least that's good. I'm glad he has someone looking out for him. I tried calling Roman today but he didn't pick up. Maybe we didn't make as much progress yesterday as I thought we did. Never mind. You can only help people if they want to be helped. And quite frankly, I have enough on my plate right now without inviting more stress.

Oh, and it was all go at Martha's today. Ruby was a little strung out about it. I'm just glad she wasn't involved. Brendan managed to find a stick and that's against the rules now after what happened with Roman. Hugo took it off him and they ended up in a bit of a scuffle. Then later, there was another scuffle in which Brendan somehow got hit in the face and wound up with a bloody nose. He ran out and found Xavier and Ruby at the Diner and then Xavier had to go home and deal with it.

Everyone accused Hugo of hitting him, which he denied and it came out that he'd punched him once before when he was a teenager. But according to Ruby, it's all sorted out now. People have accepted that Hugo didn't hit him and Brendan has gone home with Gina.

And Brendan's obsession with blue cars (which put Roman in hospital) has finally been traced back to some kind of accident Hugo had when he was younger. I don't know the details. It's not my business. To be honest, as much as I still like the guy (platonically), the further I stay away from him, the better. The last thing I need is for Joey to come home and think something is going on between us or something.

When she comes home, I know I will have only one chance to make things work with her and I refuse to blow it. I've lost her once and it might still be over for good but if I do have the chance to be with her again, I'm not going to mess it up.


Saturday 2nd May

00:11

Home

I've been working all day. And I mean all day. I got home an hour ago and I started work at seven o'clock. I just couldn't face another day of moping around and feeling sorry for myself. I pretty much cried all day yesterday and it's not conducive to a productive life. I have three months to live until Joey returns to me so I have to wake up and start filling my time.

Yesterday, I cried when I found one of her socks under the bed. I held a dirty sock to my chest for approximately two hours and wept. Then I put it in my 'Joey box' with all the other things I've collected that remind me of her. That's pretty tragic, hey?

I wonder how she's feeling? What's she doing? How is she filling her free time? Does she even have any free time? Does she regret walking out or is she glad to get rid of me? Oh, I have to stop asking these endless questions. And I have to stop calling her voicemail over and over and over again just to hear her voice. Definitely tragic.

Today, we wrapped up the caravan park fire case. There's no concrete evidence as to how it started. It could have been an accident. It could have been deliberate. All we know is that the drum fell over and the place caught light. Chasing the culprit is largely going to be fruitless so with Miles' agreement, we just going to leave it unless anything particularly incriminating comes up. I gave the order that the burnt out caravan Geoff and that girl, Claudia were in can be taken away today so hopefully that's the end of it all.

I ran into Hugo this afternoon but didn't spend a whole lot of time with him. He and Martha had been out on his new boat for the day and he looks less stressed than he has been – I guess because the Brendan stuff has been sorted out now.

He apologised for what happened and it being responsible for Joey leaving me. He says that he feels he might have taken advantage of me. I presume that was Ruby's influence. I told him that regardless of the circumstances, I still had a choice and I chose to go to bed with him, even though it's the single worst thing I've ever done in my life. He joked about trying not to be offended. But he understood.

He said he saw Joey the night that she found out and he apologised and tried to stick up for me but she didn't want to hear it. Apparently, she said something about hoping that he would make me happy. It breaks my heart to think that she might think he and I might get together. I don't want to be with Hugo. I never did. I don't want to be with anyone that isn't Joey. And I know nobody could ever make me happy the way she did, albeit briefly.

Ugh, I feel awful just thinking about all of this again. I just want to make the pain go away. But I know I can't, not until my darling is home. And it shouldn't, really. I don't deserve the pain to go away. Not even when she gets back. I should have to pay for this forever. I just hope Joey will grant me forgiveness and then we can move on. Together.


Sunday 3rd May

02:39

Home

Joey, please come back home. I love you. I need you. I can't live without you. I was an idiot to lose you in the first place. Please. Please, come home. Please. I'm begging you. Please.


Next time… Ruby tries to look after Charlie, shark attack theories storm through Summer Bay and Angelo returns…