Shepard took a deep breath as she washed her hands, letting the hot water sear against her icy fingers. True, she had a man down, but she couldn't lock herself in the medbay and wait for him to wake up. She was the commanding officer. She had a ship full of scared R&D people, technicians, very few individuals who had ever seen the frontlines. Most of them drove desks when they weren't tinkering with tech.
And now they were in the middle of a war, requisitioned by her to stay in the middle of it. She had to talk to them, reassure them that things were under control—even though she used the phrase in the loosest way possible. They needed to know that the immediate future was stable—to focus, metaphorically, on the next twenty meters.
She took another deep breath, let it out slowly. "EDI."
"Yes, Shepard?" EDI asked. She'd moderated the volume of her answer, which gave the impression of gentle inquiry.
"Can you and Joker handle things for a while? I need to assemble the crew for a briefing." She swallowed, glanced over at Liara and Alenko. Liara's eyes were dark, the asari equivalent of bloodshot, but she wasn't crying.
"Of course. Shall I summon them to the mess deck?"
"Tell them to be there in twenty minutes." Twenty minutes would let her get the sweat showered off, let her get changed back into her BDUs. Twenty minutes would let her cry unseen, if she needed to, and pull herself together. She had duties, and an injured crewman—even one about whom she cared deeply, regardless of the increasingly appealing idea of wall-to-wall resolution—couldn't bring operations to a halt.
"Attention: all crewmen will report to the mess deck in twenty minutes for a briefing. Repeat: all crewmen will report to the mess deck in twenty minutes for a briefing," EDI announced over the all-call.
"What are you going to tell them?" Liara asked.
"What they need to know. I'm going to get mopped up. I suggest you do the same."
Liara looked at Alenko. "He shouldn't be alone, Shepard."
Shepard bit her lip. "Believe me, I don't want to leave him alone. And I don't intend to do so."
EDI could, Shepard knew, keep an eye on him…but she would much rather have a warm body in the room. It was nothing against the AI, but if Alenko should wake up—however doubtful he would—he deserved to know there was a face to accompany a voice waiting for him.
"Go on, you have a ship to run. I'll stay here until you send in a relief."
Shepard nodded. "Thanks." With that, she turned and made her way up to the Captain's quarters, grabbed her clothes and dropped them in the chair by her desk. She peeled out of her armor plates, the mesh underlay, the under armor and stepped into the shower. She turned it on, shivering at the cold spray which quickly grew warm. She washed with brisk efficiency, even if she wanted to linger under the hot downpour. Her mind tried, over and over, to replay those horrible moments, but she forced necessity to take the place of worry, of endless what-ifs.
It was just like a distorted reflection of Eden Prime.
She dried off, dragged her clothes on and took a deep, fortifying breath. Anger still burned in her guts like acid, but this time it had a purpose: to remind her not to give vent to it, not to let the crew see it.
For a moment, a brief moment on the landing in front of the elevator, she indulged in the fear that she'd lost her touch, that working with Cerberus and her incarceration had somehow damaged her ability to lead. She shelved the fear, forced it into a tiny dark pigeonhole in her mind and headed down to the mess deck.
The crew had already begun to trickle in, most of them looking nervous. She didn't blame them—they looked like she felt.
So, to countermand the feeling, she went and sat on the steps that led to the main battery. She wished Garrus was here. She could use the moral support.
EDI gave an announcement at the five-minute mark, but no one else trickled in.
"First of all, I want to commend all of you. It's been a rough day, but you kept it together and pulled through. I know that most of you aren't front-liners. Until today, you've probably been more comfortable driving a desk than serving on an active warship." She paused to look over them. Fear had begun to leech out of them, leaving weariness in its place. The praise and understanding of their situation, rather than talk about Reapers and tactics, had begun to ease their minds.
During her scan of the crowd, she caught sight of a familiar face, Engineer Adams, standing in the background. He caught her eye, then looked hastily away as if he hadn't.
A personal chat, then. Later.
"We're heading for the Citadel, where we'll make contact with Alliance High Command and get fresh orders. Until then, try to get some sleep. If you can't sleep, find a workstation to occupy until you can sleep. I keep an open-door policy with my crew. If you need me, come find me. Any questions?"
A hesitant hand went up. The woman stood up, looking very nervous. "Is Major Alenko…going to be alright?"
Shepard force d a chuckle. "Alenko will be just fine. A little knock to the head isn't going to do more than slow him down."
The crew looked reassured, and several glances drifted towards the opaque medbay windows.
"If there's nothing else, you're dismissed." Shepard stayed where she was while the crew filed out, some towards the dormitory, others towards work stations.
Only Vega remained, arms crossed, looking pensive.
Shepard got to her feet. "You're relieved, LT."
He nodded, heaved a deep breath, then headed for the elevator.
