Playlist:

Everyone Requires a Plan by The Lumineers
Mojo Pin by Jeff Buckley
Sweet Disposition by The Temper Trap
Rolling On by Peter Wolf
Sinking Man - Of Monsters and Men
Outside by Tender
Spirits Cold by Tall Heights

A/N: We're getting closer and closer!


Chapter 43

BPOV

Somewhere out there, Edward was hiding from the world. What he did as he hid away was a mystery to all of us, yet it was a topic our conversations often drifted to.

It felt horrible knowing that I caused this distance. It felt even more horrible knowing that everyone was at their wit's end trying to come up with places he could be. What would we do? Chase him? Try and figure out a way to extricate him from whatever employment he signed up for?

What would I say? Hey Edward, Bella here. I'm divorced now, so I'd like to take you out for dinner. P.s. You're not second best anymore. Turns out I've been duped into thinking you were this whole time.

Right.

I still made my choice. I still actively chose Jacob over him.

And for what?

Because I was scared of how out of control I felt when I was with him? Because all I could think about was how my passion for him reminded me of what I once felt for James? There wasn't a universe in which they could ever be considered the same.

I must admit my stupidity. My naivety. My tendency to choose the path I felt safest while neglecting what I knew was the right thing to do.

And here I was, freshly spat out the other end of that path, only a slightly bit wiser than before if you could consider my heinous paranoia of any and all good intentions wisdom.

The Cullen clan and I gathered in their immaculate living room. White couches, gorgeous chandelier, immense flat-screen on the far wall. We were statues among the exploits of their immortality. Sitting. Thinking. Waiting. Staring.

This was the extent of our activity during our time spent together. Sometimes Carlisle went up to his office to do some research, call some family friends to see if they knew anything about a new vampire group roaming the world, fighting.

At some points, Jasper's thoughts were disturbed by phone calls from a man named Jenks. He'd always pick up the phone in the same manner: Yes, Jenks. Fine Jenks. Thank you, Jenks.

Apparently he was the family's lawyer — the one responsible for the heaps and heaps of illegal documents that allowed the Cullens to assume a number of different names, ages, and so much more.

All of Edward's documents were kept under lock and key in a bank only Jasper had access to. As long as he didn't have another place to get another identity from, Edward could still be staying somewhere under his current name. Jasper did what he could and tried to trace the whereabouts of his adoptive brother.

Edward's credit card purchases stopped around the same time he disappeared. The last place he used it was in a gas station near Forks.

As the last of very few leads, Jasper shut down his impressive computer set and unplugged the lot, storing the wires, screen, and main container in a duffel hidden in Alice's walk-in closet. On his keychain he had a USB-double of all that he needed to search for information on the fly. After spending so much time with Jenks, the middle-aged man had offered Jasper a set of his own tools to do the things the family needed to have done — like infiltrate school computer systems, adding and removing student files as needed.

Eventually, after feeling less than useless among the Cullens' resourcefulness, I decided to go home. Rose and Alice came as well to keep me company, to keep my mind occupied as the weight of my guilt grew.

What they called a successful night I called irksome. They brought me out, wined and dined me, refused to let me pay for my own things even though I worked enough consecutive jobs on the transcription agency that I could afford a fifteen-dollar meal.

While Alice was her usual blend of positivity and sarcasm, Rose was a little more subdued than normal. She grew quiet when Alice began to gush about how great it was that I was finally divorced. This I heard from her on the regular so I merely smiled and nodded in accordance. Yes it was great that I was divorced, really it was. But her happiness only made me remember what a shitty episode the whole marriage was.

We got hitched at a far-away courthouse, had a reception for just the two of us at a Jack Astor's, bought a quaint little shack of a home, poured all our funds into it, and got divorced shortly after.

I wished that we could stop talking about it, but I understood where Alice's enthusiasm came from. Now that I openly acknowledged my feelings for Edward, Alice only saw the best for us in the future.

She wasn't too worried about Edward's hiatus — according to her he'd come back eventually and everything was going to be all a-okay.

Rose on the other hand, wasn't as optimistic. Perhaps Alice knew something that reassured her more than it did us. Perhaps, after years of seeing the same vision of Edward and I walking hand in hand on Port Angeles's boardwalk, she had gone just about crazy and the proximity of its fulfilment.

"What's up Rose?" I asked after a lengthy pause in conversation. Between us was a large platter of nachos and a pitcher of iced tea.

She shrugged. "Just worried about Edward."

After he and Carlisle, Rose and Edward were the closest. They spent the most time together as siblings. First as potential mates, then as the best of friends.

"He'll be fine," Alice reassured her. "He's just doing his own thing right now. I'll admit it's a little bit extreme, whatever it is, but he'll be okay. He knows what he's doing, he always does."

Rose shrugged.

"What are you really worried about?" Alice asked.

"It's nothing."

"It's something Rose, spit it out."

"Not right now," she said.

"Oh why not?" Alice pressed. "We're not going to make fun of you."

"It's about Edward," she confessed, looking sheepishly up at me.

"Well?"

"I'm just worried."

Alice rubbed her back. "You know he's going to be alright."

"I know that," she said, topping up her glass. She took a quick swig and set it down, focusing on it. "I'm worried about you, Bella. What you'll do when you're with him again. We already know that he's madly in love with you — that he'd do anything for you, even if it means letting you go, living the rest of his life without you."

I shifted in my seat and crossed my arms under the table. "Go on," I said, nodding.

"I know that you care about him, and I know that you're torn up about this because he essentially left to escape hearing a single word about you…but I can't help but feel that you'll hurt him again, in some way whether through your stubbornness or your tendency to just follow the path of least resistance. That you'll make things harder for him than it already has been once he does come back. That you'll make him wait, make him jump through hoops in order to find out what you feel for him."

Rose shrugged and took a large gulp of her drink and looked up at me. "I'm not trying to be mean, or trying to insult you in any way — I just have to look out for him in ways that nobody really thinks about. We're all happy that you're part of this process, looking for him, but nobody's thinking about what's going to happen when we actually do find him, or what's going to happen when he does come back. Everyone has full faith in you. In your abilities to make him happy. But I don't. Not really. Are you going to run? Are you willing to chase him if he runs? Are you willing to put up with the man that comes back? Because he's a lot different than the person that you remember him as.

It absolutely destroyed him when you left. Not a day went by where he wasn't altered in some way by it. Every time he came back from his…job…it was like this strange man was walking around in his skin. He's not Edward anymore, not right now at least, and I fear that he never will be again. The things that he's been doing, the drinking, the hurting, the violence, the fighting — these are things you're going to have to deal with. He's done so much to escape what he feels for you. To escape the pain you put him through… and he's so screwed up by it.

"Will you love him enough to put up with that? Will you love him enough to see past that and try to pull the real him back out again? And if he's being difficult, if he shows no sign of quickly healing, will you still commit to him? Will you still love him if his hair is all gone? If his skin bears the marks of damage? Will you still love him if he hunts humans? If he decides to continue down this path of self-destruction? Would you be willing to work at him?

"What if he refuses to come back? What if he takes one look at you and is still hurt? And if he runs, will you fly to the ends of the earth to find him? Would you chase him, save him from death if he chooses to go that way?"

"I'm not sorry," she paused, sitting up a little straighter. "I'm not sorry for thinking these things, for doubting you. As much as I care about you as a friend, I don't know who you truly are or what you're willing to do for him. I don't see a head-strong woman in front of me, not yet at least, and not in in the way Edward will need you to be. I see weakness, and at times, cowardice. I know you're working through it, and I know that you've made such amazing progress — but Edward…he needs so much more. He needs a partner who can pull his head out of his ass whenever he gets too cocky," she laughed quietly.

"He needs the Isabella who can stand up for herself as much as she can stand up for her partner and all that he is. He needs you to be strong. And right now, we need you to be strong enough to withstand what you'll see when he stands before you again. You can't run away in fear. Not from him, not anymore, okay?"

I could only nod, deflated. She was right. "Yeah, I understand. Completely. You're right to wonder all of those things. I wonder them myself. Edward deserves so much more than I could ever imagine. I can only hope that I can live up to the person, to the friend, he's been for me from the start. I promise you this, Rose. I'm done running from him. Nothing could ever make me thing less of him. Not if he drinks from humans. Disappointed, yeah, but that's with any of us. I…can't see myself ever forgiving what I've done to him. For as long as I live that will be a part of me.

"But I could never love him less, think of him any less. I can hope that I can be the person he needs. Even with my flaws, I hope I can be strong enough to do what he needs me to do. Regardless of what I see, regardless of what happens or what has happened, I'm not going anywhere.

I know there's a lot of cowardice in me, and I know that I absolutely hate running head first into things I haven't fully thought through — but if Edward's involved, I'm sure as hell taking the first chance I get.

"But this isn't about saving him, I don't think. I'm not here to rescue him and he's not here to rescue me. I don't believe in that. All I can do is hope I can influence him to find that salvation himself. All I can do is help him find himself again. All I can do is hope that he'll bring out the bravery in me just as he brings out the best in me.

"I'm not interested in doing any kind of saving, any kind of rescuing, anyway. I refuse to think in that dichotomy anymore. At best, I'm his equal. At worst, I'm a little less than that. But never for a second will I ever believe that I'm better, that I'm deserving of any more than what he is capable of. All I'll give is what I have and all I desire in return is him. Nothing more.

"I can't bring the universe to bow at my feet any more than I can convince you that I haven't been a coward. I can only do what I think is right, what I know is right, and what I feel is the proper thing to do — regardless of my fear and my deep seated need to save my own ass.

"I'm not looking for a hero either. I'm looking for Edward. And if he's willing to give me only a fraction of that, then I'll take it. We'll move at his pace, we'll work it through together. I'm never going to work at it for the sole purpose of pleasing you or anybody else — not even for myself. Whatever I do will be done only if he's willing to. I'm not changing him into somebody that he can no longer be. All I can hope for, and all I think we all should hope for, is a middle ground. Something that he's willing to give.

"I take full responsibility for sending him into this, and so I'll do all I can to do all I can. But I'm not a miracle worker. I want to be optimistic, but I have to be realistic now. And I think that's the only way he and I can work it out. If he wants space, I have to give that to him. If he's not ready right now, then I have to wait. I'm not going to force it if he's unwilling to take me. All I know is that I'm willing to take whatever he has to give. Even if he's different. He's still Edward. I hope that he'll love me and that he'll let me love him back in any capacity. That's it," I said, putting my lips together.

The corners of Rose's lips tugged up and she smiled. "That's a damn good answer. But I'll believe it when I see it."

"I'll hold you to it," I grinned, also satisfied.

We suddenly remembered Alice's presence. She'd been quiet throughout our monologues and we'd let to look in her direction. Though her body and head was angled towards us, her eyes were shut and her forehead was wrinkled as if she was in deep thought.

She was having a vision — a difficult vision for her to grasp. I figured that it must have been something about Jacob since she had a hard time seeing him in general.

Rose and I picked at the nachos during the few minutes Alice was preoccupied and laughed a little when her lips began scrunch to the side in focus.


APOV

Alice's vision snuck up on her like they always did. Hot flashes on her temple like the coming of a migraine, the sudden blurring of her eyesight, her ears processing both the present and future at once…

She saw Edward on the top of a series of unmade covers. They were starchy hotel linens, the colour of mustard. Damask. Wallpaper either side of the bed was white. Also damask. Curtains were closed. Phone to the room unplugged. Lights off, mini-bar full of liquor.

As he lay there, his body quickly metabolizing off the effects of his chosen brine, Edward's phone lit up. For the first time in a long time, he unplugged it from the wall charger and looked at the screen. There were dozens of missed calls, text messages and voicemails. This one in particular made his stomach seize. Perhaps because it was the first time he'd been sober enough to think of turning on his phone.

It was from…Jacob.

Alice saw him punch in his password and tapped on the still flashing incoming message bubble. She read along with him.

If there's one thing I can do right by her it's this: you deserve her. Much more than I ever did. She's yours. Go get her. Don't worry, l'm leaving the state for good. Won't see me ever again. You'll have a good life with her by your side. I'm sorry. For taking her away from you. I know it doesn't mean anything now, but you have to know. Don't know if you already do so… Good luck.

Edward launched from the bed, still staring at the phone in his hands. He then quickly checked the date and ran over to the window, ripping the curtains open. It was brilliant outside, the sky shining an achey blue. Few buildings in the distance, on the right, a series of restaurants and the beginnings of a very full parking lot.

Alice knew where he was in an instant. Sea Tac Airport.

All of a sudden, Edward's phone chimed, obnoxiously buzzing in his hands. The calendar reminder he set went off.

His flight left in an hour.

Edward went from one end of the room to the other, pacing like a madman. But then he approached his nondescript duffel and took it in his left hand. In the other, the phone still buzzed. With the press of a button, the sound stopped and the screen went black. He tossed the slab onto the bed and left the room in a hurry.