Chapter LIV

Dust Off Your Highest Hopes


So dust off your highest hopes;

All I knew was pouring rain,

And everything has changed.

- "Everything Has Changed" by Taylor Swift ft. Ed Sheeran.


Even after only four days of living in their new apartment, she and Michael had accumulated quite a mess around the place. Living out of boxes wasn't the prettiest situation — fishing clothes out of cardboard wells in the morning and carelessly tearing them off at night didn't make for a tidy environment, and that fact would be the first thing Mom noticed once she was here.

So Holly spent the latter half of her morning cleaning, straightening every room and attempting to make even the storage room somewhat presentable. At the end of it all, this room became home to most of the clutter around the apartment. Holly planned to keep this door closed.

But she was more comfortable knowing that, if her mother wound up seeing the mess, all she'd be thinking about is the future nursery that would take its place… especially with the way Mom had been talking lately.

In short, the woman had baby fever. "Don't you want to wait and go back to school first?" had fully transitioned into, "I like the name Amy for a girl! What do you think? Do you like Amy?"

"Mom, I'm not pregnant."

"I know, but still," she'd said.

"I'm not even married yet," Holly had added to her point. "Surely you don't want-"

"No, of course not," Mom cut her off, but a smile was close to an appearance. "But… preparation isn't a bad thing."

This had been the first time, in Holly's entire existence, that her mother had encouraged children out of wedlock. Mom might have been even more excited for Holly's future than Holly was.

But this conversation had all taken place weeks before she and Michael had moved out, and every discussion since then had come from a place of concern. Holly had counted four times that Mom had offered to let her move back home — to back out if she wasn't ready yet. Holly appreciated the effort. Even months ago, Holly might have freaked out and taken her up on the deal. But she didn't need it now.

In fact, she wanted to talk to her mom about that today, while Michael wasn't around.

At the last moment, Holly had gone digging in the boxes to find the cup coasters — something she knew her mother would appreciate. She was setting them out on the coffee table just when a knock came at the door. She immediately rose to her feet, clipping her knee on the coffee table, but she hastened to the door anyway.

Holly opened the door, and behind stood Annie Flax, with a bottle of wine in one hand and a gigantic purse in the other. Holly smiled at her. "Hey, Mom! Thanks for coming-"

"Gas stove!" Mom cut her off, eyes widening with excitement as she craned her neck to see past Holly's shoulder. "Decent dishwasher — bad brand, best model. Oh, my god, look at those tiles…"

Smiling at her enthusiasm, Holly reached out to accept the wine, which Mom nonchalantly handed over, her mind already preoccupied. "I'm glad you like it," she said, a bit surprised. "I didn't realize gas stoves were such a big deal to everyone."

"Oh, they're a huge-ass deal," Mom insisted, and met Holly's eyes. "May I come in?"

"So you can make love to my kitchen?" Holly teased, but stepped back anyway. Her mother marched right into the apartment as if she owned it, dropping her purse on the counter. Her eyes scanned the room in all directions, as if she intended to memorize every detail before saying a word.

Holly shut the door as she watched her mother over her shoulder. "How was the drive?"

"Who cares?" she shot back, still taking it all in before she turned toward her daughter. Mom set her hands on her hips. "This is a great place. I can do wonders with this."

At this, Holly simply chuckled, and went to put the wine away in one of the unclaimed kitchen cabinets. Mom continued to enthuse over the place.

"The wall space gives us a lot of options for pictures," Mom pointed out right off the bat. "You need to get some photos developed, and we'll find some cute frames — something artsy to match the unique furniture setup."

The bean bag, Holly supplied internally. She turned back to watch her mother, who stood planted between the kitchen and the living room, studying the layout.

"Also we need books for those shelves right there," she continued, pointing toward the cabinet on the left. She looked back at Holly, adding, "I have some of your favorites at home if you want them. God knows I'm not attached to those Lonely Hawk books or whatever."

"Lonesome Dove," Holly corrected.

"Uh-huh." Mom then shoved her hands in her pockets, and turned to her daughter. "So are you gonna show me around or am I gonna have to snoop when you're in the bathroom?"

Holly chuckled at her bluntness, and gestured toward the hallway on their right. "I'll give you a tour. Let's go."

"All righty then," her mother replied. She followed right behind Holly, through the living room and into the hallway — meanwhile muttering, "I think the other way would have been more exciting, but whatever you say."

Holly was a bit surprised as she led her mother down the hall — pleased, but surprised. Mom was in a strangely peppy mood today. She had to wonder if something was wrong, or if her mom had gotten a little tipsy at one of her book club meetings, in which case Holly was just lucky, as she would then be exponentially easier to handle.

"So this is the bathroom," Holly said, and opened the door to the bare-bones bathroom. She reached over her mother's shoulder to turn the light on, standing back as the woman investigated. "We're thinking of repainting it, but we haven't decided on anything."

"You should do a rosy color on the walls," Mom said without hesitation. Glancing at Holly, she gestured toward the cabinets and added, "The dark wood would look great with a salmon-rose color — and some fluffy white towels… White, brown, and rose. What do you think?"

She was taken aback by all this forethought, but then, her mother was a visionary. Holly could still remember when Mom had redecorated her restaurant, back when Holly was in middle school. Mom wouldn't let her pick anything except the color of the kitchen. That's how she'd wound up with a purple kitchen.

"I'll ask Michael about it," Holly decided, smiling. "Let me show you the bedroom…"

Mom turned to leave the bathroom, flipping the light off, nodding. Holly continued down the hall to the master bedroom on the left, and mentally ran through her mind again, hoping she had made sure to clean everything up. One surprise appearance of lingerie and Holly would never hear the end of it.

"So this is," Holly began with a deep breath as she opened the bedroom door, "also not clean. Um, but we've already unpacked some of our things…"

"I like it," she said, nodding again. "It has that nice natural light coming over the bed. That's really nice."

Holly watched her moment for a moment, curious. She smiled to herself, lowering her voice as she mumbled, "Not a negative word. I'm pleased."

At that, Mom's examination stopped; she looked at Holly, and shrugged. "Well, I just… maybe I'm overdoing it, but I just… wanted to show that I'm supportive of this," Mom explained, as she gestured at the room around them. "This step that you're taking. I'm proud."

This kind of statement was rare from her mother, and Holly wasn't sure how to take it. Mom wasn't quick to make a point of validation. Yet, here she was, doing it — expressing her feelings. Now Holly was really worried.

Afraid to speak and ruin the moment, Holly just smiled, and nodded back toward the hallway. "One more room. The one you've been waiting for."

Mom's eyebrows shot up. "The towel closet."

Holly chuckled, motioning for her to follow. "Yes, the towel closet. I know you've been dying to ask about it."

"Well, I didn't wanna be rude," she joked, and her expression, despite obvious resistance, did edge toward a smile. This made Holly smile, and she quickly averted her face before her mother noticed.

Across the hall, Holly opened the door to reveal a room full of boxes, junk, and more boxes — the carpet fluffy if a little worn, with little imprints where Colin's daughter's furniture had pressed into the carpet. Holly bit her lip as she entered, her mother stepping behind her.

"So this is acting as a storage room right now," Holly introduced the room, hands gesturing toward the piles of boxes in the corners and dropping to her sides. "It's got a long way to go, but it's eventually going to be… the nursery," she said with an anxious, excited sigh.

Mom didn't respond right away as she took everything in. Holly expected a comment or two about the mess, followed by many prompting questions about future babies and the nursery's color scheme, all for which Holly didn't have answers yet.

Instead, her mom covered her mouth.

Holly took a deep breath, just to make sure the boxes didn't smell like mildew or anything.

"I'm-" Mom began, but her voice cut out. Her eyes met Holly's for a long moment, and then she looked back at the messy to-be-nursery, and her shoulders sank. She shook her head.

"Is something wrong?" Holly asked nervously.

"Nope! Not- no," Mom shot back, blinking furiously. She cleared her throat. "It's just… dusty."

Holly knew this was a half-truth, but she didn't argue. "Sorry about that."

"No, yeah, the room looks good," she continued right away. Her gaze landed on the window on the left for a considerable amount of time. "I think it's a good amount of room for- probably even for two kids, if you want to… Oh, boy. I'm sorry."

Holly smiled, her hand on her mother's shoulder. "Mom-"

"This is-" Mom said; and when she looked at Holly, her eyes were a little teary. "Gah- shit. I thought I was gonna be okay, but you're… gonna have babies."

"Yeah," Holly said, nodding. She bit her lip.

Her mom studied her face, and finally, let her smile show through. She shrugged. "I'm just so happy… that you're happy, and that this is happening for you."

Her expression melted. "Mom…"

"My baby girl's gonna have babies," Mom said, her words thick with emotion, just as Holly pulled her into a hug.

Holly's arms wrapped tightly around her mom, squeezing her with all the excitement in her body; Mom huffed a loud breath as she struggled to regain control of her emotions. Holly just hugged her, grinning widely.

"Damn it," Mom muttered as she retreated from the hug, and dabbed at her eyes. She sniffed. "I'm trying not to- I'm trying to be sensitive. I'm not rushing you into anything — you know that."

"It's okay," Holly assured her.

"I know this is hard for you," she continued anyway, glancing around at the room. "I want you to know that I'm here for you no matter what you do — and if it's to wait, and to move back in — or if you just want to wait on kids, I'm okay. There's no pressure."

"Mom," Holly tried again, and gave her mom's arm a squeeze. "Thank you, really, for being so sensitive to what I've been going through… but I did want to talk to you about that."

Mom looked up, her eyebrows peaked in concern. "Oh… okay. Is everything okay?"

Holly nodded quickly, smiling. "Yeah, it is. It's way better than okay, actually."

"You're pregnant."

Holly's eyes widened. "No! No, not yet. It… this isn't about babies, Mom."

Her mother didn't seem embarrassed by the assumption at all, leaning back against the doorway. "Oh, sorry. I guess I have grandmommy-brain already. Continue — I'm listening." She gestured at Holly with her hand, and crossed her arms.

So Holly took a quick breath, her eyes wandering for a moment; she leaned on the opposite side of the doorway. "So…" she began, biting her lip. She had to look away to continue, already blushing.

Mom just waited quietly.

"So when we were unloading everything from storage," Holly finally started, "I was preparing myself for this big thing, as if something was going to change once I took this step. And I was scared — I was really, just terrified."

At that, Mom nodded. "I know you were."

Holly smiled, nodding back. "I was, but then… Then it happened, Mom. I just woke up in this new place — no job, no friends, no family with me — and I just felt… exactly the same," she realized, and shook her head. "I was with him and I felt completely safe, and completely — loved, and just… covered. And I don't know what to do with that."

Her expression melted as she listened. "What do you want to do?" Mom asked gently.

"I want to marry him," Holly said, without having to think. "Soon. Now, maybe."

Mom's eyebrows shot up; her lips parted. "Wow," she breathed, and cleared her throat. "I wasn't expecting that."

Holly bobbed her head, covering her mouth to hide some of the beaming. "I know. I just… I feel invincible, Mom! I feel like anything could happen, in the whole world, and I would be okay, you know?"

"Wow," Mom repeated, still in shock. She did smile, though. "I'm — I'm so glad, honey."

"So what do you think?" Holly asked right away. "Soon? How soon do you think we could do it, feasibly?"

"Well, slow down for a second," her mother said, holding up a hand to steady her. "Let's think about this. I mean, I know this feeling, honey, but you want a wedding that you'll remember."

"I wouldn't elope or anything," she assured her, and looked in at the future-nursery. "This winter, maybe — I don't know. I just don't want to wait until next year, especially with Dad doing the way he is. I want him to be able to remember the wedding, for a little while at least."

Mom seemed surprised by this. "Well, honey, I don't know if he'll be… doing that well."

"But he's still remembering so many things, Mom. I mean, maybe," Holly said, shrugging her shoulders. "Maybe he's got longer than we thought. He still remembers who you are, and who I am, age notwithstanding. And maybe…"

"Maybe what?" Mom asked, and cocked her head to the side.

Holly hesitated to finish, because the idea sounded stupid, but she had to say it. "Maybe… he could get to know my kids."

This brought Mom to a full stop, and she said nothing.

The room grew hushed as Holly averted her eyes, feeling as though she'd said too much — because she knew Mom didn't really believe that this was a possibility. All the idea served to do was to make the conversation uncomfortable, as they both were forced to consider… that he probably wouldn't get to know her children. Not really, anyway.

"Hol, you don't know…"

Holly looked up at her mother, who finally broke the silence with an unreadable expression. She chewed on her lip.

Mom sighed. "How happy this makes me."

Holly's eyebrows rose, not expecting this.

"I mean," Mom continued, half-chuckling. "I came here thinking I was gonna have to convince you that this was a good step, and that you'd be apprehensive — and here you are, talking about the wedding and kids and… If you want to, yes. You should get married whenever you and Michael decide is best. And I will help make that plan."

"Really?" Holly asked quickly, brow furrowed. "You think you could do that?"

"Hell yeah, I can. I want you to be happy — I would do anything, to make sure you're happy, so yes. If you want to get married tomorrow, I will bake the cake tonight."

Holly's heart melted, and she beamed at her mother. "Thank you, Mom. That… means so much to me."

Mom nodded slowly, reaching out for Holly's hands. She took them quietly and looked at them for a moment — looked at the ring, quite obviously, and then back up at Holly.

"But don't rush for your father's sake," Mom finished seriously. When Holly's expression froze, she elaborated; "Your dad is still gonna be your dad, no matter how much he remembers. All he'll care about is that you're happy, right?"

Holly was hesitant to agree, but eventually nodded, eyes downcast. "Right. I know."

"But I do need to tell you," she added, and her voice lowered. "For the wedding, your dad… is gonna need some help getting around. Seeing a bunch of family he doesn't know, walking around everywhere — it's all gonna be stressful for him. And I could definitely handle it myself, but for your wedding day, I… I want to be with you, in the morning and in the dressing room."

Holly didn't respond at first, confused. "What do you mean?"

"This nursing student," Mom explained right away. "Erica — she's with him right now at his golf game. She's agreed to start helping out during the week as part of her training. I think she'd be happy to accompany him at the wedding…" she finished, sounding nervous. "If that's okay with you, of course."

Now for that one, Holly couldn't begin to think of a response. She just stared blankly at her mother, processing…

In all of her days, Annie Flax had never once admitted that she couldn't do something, and never, ever, ever did she delegate. She was a stubborn, prideful woman who did not share a burden — something which Holly might have inherited — especially when it came to Dad. Holly didn't even know what to think of it.

If Michael were here, he would have volunteered to pinch her, just to break the silence. But he wasn't.

Finally, Mom added, "Not that I can't handle it, because I can. I just thought I might-"

"It's a threat! A level! A level-level threat! He's the greatest hockey star I ever seen yet!"

She was cut off by her ringtone going off in Holly's pocket. Mom shrugged. "It's just an option."

"-what? Midnight! Threat level who?"

Holly nodded, and pulled her phone out. She put it on speaker, grinning as she greeted, "Mike-aroni and cheese. What can I do ya for?"

"Why, hello, Holiver Twist," Michael replied through the phone.

Mom scowled at these puns, sending a silent groan Holly's way. She just smiled at her mother and her sheer lack of humor.

"I'm here with Mom," Holly said, because she knew Mom would love that. "Is that all right?"

She could hear Michael's small gasp over the line.

"Annie Oakley-"

"Nope," Mom cut him off, and she shook her head firmly. "Talk to Holly."

"All right, then," he relented in his southern accent before clearing his throat. "Yeah, so I gotta be fast, because they can't know I'm talking to you, but guess what?"

"What?"

"Why can't they know that?" Mom interrupted, suddenly back in this conversation.

"I thought I wasn't allowed to talk to you."

Mom raised an eyebrow at that. "You aren't allowed to pun at me. Why can't they know that you're talking to your fiancee?"

Michael hesitated, making a small noise of fluster, and eventually stuttered, "It-it's complicated — there's a rule on office romances and- anyway, I've gotta- Holly! Hey."

"Hey," Holly echoed with a grin. "What am I guessing?"

"If there's a rule on office romances, how are you supposed to work there with him?" Mom asked, still lost. "You're just gonna keep it a secret forever?"

"Only until we get married!" Michael sang, unaware of what he was doing.

Mom's eyes widened, and she instantly smacked her hand over the phone.

"Ow!"

"Is that why this whole thing started?" Mom asked in a hushed tone. "You want to get-"

"Michael, what's the news?" Holly cut her off pointedly as she removed her mother's hand from the screen. She sent a serious look at Mom, whose brow was furrowed.

"Well, I just overheard that they're not doing any more interviews for the job — which means that out of whoever they interviewed, they picked somebody."

At that, both Holly and Mom were silent. They met eyes for a moment.

"Do you think that means-"

"There's a good chance," Michael said, and his voice sounded peppy. Then a distant sound interrupted the call, and then a loud shuffling. "Okie-doke, gotta go. Love you, boo."

"Love you," Holly said just before the line clicked.

Then she looked up at her mom, who was expressionless. Holly shoved her phone down in her pocket, silently, and watched her mother slowly reanimate.

"You're rushing the wedding," Mom began, tone dangerously low, "not because you're pregnant, or because of your dad, or for any of the real reasons — just because you want this job?"

"I have my reasons, Mom," she shot back quickly. "And if you don't criticize me, I'll show you the paint ideas for the living room."


It's getting to the point that with every obscure comment, I can't tell if I'm referencing the show, a deleted scene, a previous chapter, or some in-joke I had with someone in real life. Also, is this taste in music 2016 or what?