Chapter 54
Ni didn't know why Lus was getting to him so much. It shouldn't be possible, his mortal cousin, a child who's existence was no more than a dot in history so far, shouldn't be able to make him feel… anything. Yet every second they spent together made Ni's already uncertain resolve wavered further. A part of him insisted this feeling was more to do with the fact he already had his doubts about going to war today. Doubts which had only been added to by his visit from the other one shortly before his cousin had arrived. So why couldn't he completely convince himself that's all it was?
As he tried his best to ignore and suppress everything he was feeling, his mind couldn't help but think about the tribe leaders. Instantly his insides began to twist. First he's allowed them to be marked by the beast, then he'd just stood by and allowed them to be killed one by one. Guilt filtered through him as he couldn't help but think how much easier things would be now he no longer had their pressure against him, but at the same time if he were to lose… or worse still pull back from this war of his, his hell would be in anarchy.
His one shot with the Sen Pay now became his only shot with anything. He had to make it worth it, didn't he? He had to make the sacrifices of his tribal leaders… his children… worth something, didn't he? Didn't he owe them that much? It felt like he did, so why couldn't he reconcile that feeling within himself. Why did he still feel as though loosing here today wouldn't be such a bad idea? It made him feel terrible, but the longer the conversation between him and Lus went on the harder it became to ignore.
But how could he even contemplate the idea of giving up now? How could he back out of this situation with his dignity intact? If the child knew him and could offer him the sense of family he always felt he'd missed out on, would it really balance out everything which had happened? He didn't think so. No, worse, he knew it wouldn't. These were thoughts he couldn't… shouldn't be tempted by and yet the more he had them the more tempting they became. Lus was somehow managing to lure him, but why or how was beyond him. And, as much as he kept trying to tell himself Lus's words were nothing more than pretty little lies trying to prevent Ni's success, it didn't matter. They were there and they were tempting.
'I'm getting through to you, aren't I?' Lus took several steps towards him. 'Somewhere inside of you, my words are actually getting through. How does that make you feel?'
'It doesn't make me feel; your words are not getting through to me,' he gritted his teeth, 'the very idea they are is laughable.'
'It's only laughable if it isn't true and I think it's true; my words are getting through to you, aren't they?'
Ni rolled his eyes and said nothing. He didn't want to admit Lus was right. He didn't want to give up his position, not now, how could he? If only something would happen? If only someone would take the choice away from him. Then he could walk away from this with his dignity intact. Those thoughts played strangely in his mind. It felt as though he wanted to give up, to turn back, to admit Lus was right; but that was impossible, wasn't it? Lus couldn't be right, could he?
'You know there really aren't any winners or losers here Ni,' Lus coaxed, 'no one would think any less of you; not even you at this point. You gave your shot a try, but it's not going to work out. Not because you've failed, but because it's not what you really want. It's never been what you really wanted. But if you back away from this now, maybe it's not too late to get what you're really after here.'
'And just what am I really after, hm Lus?' He met and held his gaze. 'A family who love me? Who accept me for who I am? Who don't fear me? Is that what I'm really after?'
'I think… no, I'm pretty sure it is. I'm pretty sure it's what you really want. What you've always really wanted. Maybe you should just stop this now and everyone can just start again.'
'You really think it's so simple? You really think I can just walk away from this now?'
'I don't think, I know you can. And I know the others will accept you, if you give them a chance.'
'Like you've accepted me you mean,' his gaze narrowed.
For a few moments Lus hesitated and finally Ni felt as though he'd called his bluff. It was strange though, rather than feeling elated at being proven right, he felt strangely disappointed. He didn't want Lus to be telling the truth; to really know things about him that he barely knew about himself. But for that one brief, fleeting moment it was everything he desired.
'You're right,' Lus's words felt like salt on an open wound, 'I haven't fully accepted you yet, but I'm willing to put the past behind us and start again. I want to get to know you better. I want you to be a part of my family. And not just you, all of the others too. My cousins, my siblings, all of them. We should be a family, because we are a family.'
'Pretty words Lus, you really think I want to hear pretty words right now?'
'I think you want it more than anything; why else did you stop using anything but my actual name when addressing me?'
'I…' he hesitated. 'I don't want pretty words Lus, I don't want promises you have no intention of keeping. I want you to prove to me you mean what you say. You said you'd prove it to me, yet so far all you've done is talk at me. Prove it to me Lus. Prove to me you know me well enough to make anything you're saying work.'
'I don't know how to prove it.'
'Then how can I be expected to believe anything you have to say,' he shook his head. 'Leave Lus, we are more than done here.'
'No, we're not, not yet, we can't be done yet. I'm getting through to you.'
'You're getting through to no one,' a bubble of anger rose through him, 'just leave me alone.'
'No, I'm not leaving; if I leave now then I might as well paint the word liar onto my forehead. I may not know how to prove anything to you, but I do know walking away now is not the answer.'
'I don't care what you think the answer is, I want you to leave.'
'And I'm telling you no.'
'Leave,' he all but hissed the word at him, 'I want you to leave.'
'And I'm telling you I won't go,' Lus held firm. 'You're stuck with me Ni, whether you want me or not. Because we're family and that's just the way it works.'
