Chapter 51: Why? (Avril Lavigne)


The baggie dropped out and I quickly lunged for it but B was faster...she was always faster.


"This doesn't look like cocaine...what is this?"

Britt held up the bag and examined it.

"Candy."

"Where did you get this?"

"My candyman!" I said slightly giggling.

Britt looked concerned as she put my socks back on my feet and then my shoes.

Without warning B pulled me to my feet and then looped an arm through mine.

"I can't believe you right now, Santana!"

"I know, I'm amazing right?"

"No...not right now, you're not."

I leaned into B and closed my eyes as she walked us down the hallway.

"I love you B."

"No you don't."

"I do...haha...I do, get it cuz you my wife!"

I barked out laughing at my own joke.


I opened my eyes when I noticed that we had stopped.

We stood in front of a familiar door but I couldn't quite figure out where I had seen it before.

Britt knocked and then we waited.

The door flung open and there looking huger than huge stood Sue.

"Coach, she took this," she handed the baggie to Sue, "Do you know what it is?"

Sue grabbed me by the collar of my jacket and pulled me into her office and pushed me into a chair.

"Hey, why so rough Sue?"

I watched as Sue and Britt turned to claymation versions of themselves and started dancing around.

They were doing some kind of weird dance.

It started out as a giggle and then turned into me curled up into the fetal position, on the ground laughing so hard that I was crying.

They looked at me and Britt tried calling out to me but I continued to cry into the corner.

The crying quickly turned to sobbing and then I was vomiting rainbows.

Finally it started to hurt and I had to back away just to not be covered in it.

I walked away from the rainbow puddle and staggered against the door.

Everything hurt now and I felt like my eyes were going to explode.

I was so tired from the vomiting that I walked across the room to try and get some comfort from B but then ended up passed out at B's feet.


When I woke up, my head felt like it was going to split wide open and my mouth felt like it was full of cotton.

I laid on my stomach staring at a wall.

Everything was blurry and my body felt numb.

"B?" I whispered.

"Oh, thank God! Coach she's awake." I heard her call out making me wince from her yelling.

My head was throbbing as I turned my head to look in her direction.

"B, I can't move." I continued to whisper.

"Sue said that might happen. Temporary paralysis is a side effect. It will wear off soon."

"What time is it?"

"A little after one...you were only out for a few minutes."

"I'm sorry. It's never been this bad."

She sweetly ran a hand over the side of my face and through my hair.

The beautiful moment was ruined by an insanely loud Sue Sylvester.

"That, sandbags, is because the idiot who sold this to you gave you bad angel dust not coke." Sue said as she walked further into the room and standing above me. "If you had finished this bag you would have overdosed and died leaving your baby an orphan and my Cheerios reputation marred by a junkie!"

My arms and legs began to tingle as the feeling returned to them.

I slowly rolled over onto my back and noticed that my vision was clearing.

"I'm done buying stuff from that guy or anyone else. I feel fucking horrible...I may have just scared myself straight...did I do anything stupid?" I asked looking up at B.

"Besides taking this in the first place?"

"Touche, you're right. Shit...of all days for me to do something stupid...I have to meet Ian in an hour."

"I talked to him already...I'm coming with you guys. I'll drive."

"Okay."


When I was finally able to sit up without feeling faint, Britt shoved a bottle of water in my face and gave me some gum to chew on.

Before we left Sue's office, she brushed my hair and kissed me a hundred times sweetly.

I had really scared her.

And I could see how torn she was about comforting me, when I had done this to myself but she was still trying to be a good wife while I fell to pieces.

I felt like I was barely functioning with the pain in my head but I refused to complain about it, why should anyone pity me?

Britt held my hand as we walked down the hallway toward our lockers.

She hadn't spoken much since I woke up and I wasn't quite sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

I stood against my locker and just waited for B to finish.

I looked around and then leaned in close to her.

"I'm think that I'm finally ready, B."

"For what?" she asked as she stuffed her books into her backpack.

"I need you to take over control...I don't trust myself but I trust you."

She closed her locker and then turned to me looking in my eyes searching for my honesty and then leaned in between my head and the locker.

"We will talk about this later. For now, get your books from your locker. Ian is supposed to meet us by the car in like two minutes."

I nodded my head and attempted to open my locker but I couldn't get my brain to function.

Britt nudged me to the side with her hip and put in the combination.

After packing my bag for me and throwing it over her shoulder, B clasped my hand and began pulling my stumbling ass down the hallway.

I could hear her still grumbling to herself as we left the building and she showed no sign of stopping.


I was happy that Britt came because the ride to the hospital would have been awkward otherwise.

I laid in the backseat while they chatted along the whole way.

Apparently, Ian was going to Julliard for drama.

He was like the male version of Brittany from what I could tell.

That must have been why I had picked him.

As that thought struck me so did memories of the rest of that lost night back in September.

"Shit!" I muttered.

As we got onto the elevator, I took a moment to look at my son's father.

Ian easily stood over six feet with sandy blonde hair and the clearest baby blue eyes that I had ever seen with ears that stuck out.

He seemed sweet and from what I was now remembering I knew that he was honestly putting his best foot forward by agreeing to come.

When he caught me looking at him he smiled shyly and looked away.

I could now understand why he avoided me while I was pregnant or at all...I was such a bitch to him that night.

As we were washing our hands, I leaned into him and he ducked his head.

"I am so sorry. I hope you can forgive me. I was in a bad place...I used you and I'm so sorry. I should have never treated you so poorly. I was so wrong." he looked at me and nodded.

"All is forgiven. Thank you for saying that, you have no idea how much that means to me."

"I meant every word."


When we got to the back of the NICU, the nurse stood up from the rocking chair and smiled at us.

"You must be Ian?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Have a seat...do you want to hold him?"

"Will I hurt him?"

"No he is almost strong enough to get out of here in fact."

The nurse got Ian situated in the rocker and then she handed the baby to him.

"Hold him like a football...you know how to do that right?"

Ian nodded and then held Isaac close to his chest after unbuttoning his shirt.

When he looked down at his son for the first time and saw his own eyes looking back up at him, he smiled really big.

I could tell that he was just as mesmerized by him as I was.

"He's a looker! I think I may be in love with him already.",

If I had heard that before today my heart would have dropped but now with what I remembered about that night, I was glad that he loved Isaac at first sight.

I took a picture of them and sent it to Ian's phone.

He held Isaac close to his heart and kissed his forehead.

Britt stood to the side with a nervous expression on her face.

Then she looked at me almost pleadingly.

"Ian, would you mind coming over tonight for dinner maybe so we can all talk?" I asked.

He looked at me and then at Britt before he nodded.

"Okay.", then he looked at Britt, obviously seeing her distress, "We can find a way to make this work...I'm not taking him away from you Brittany." he looked back at Isaac in amazement.

I pulled B to my side and wrapped my arm around her waist.

She leaned her head on my shoulder and we watched Ian for a while and then he got up so that I could sit with him for a while.


As Isaac lay on my chest, I could see that he still had a twitch when he breathed.

I could hear the wheeze as he inhaled.

I could see the damage that I had inflicted on him and I began to cry.

"I'm so sorry hijo...I am going to get better and so are you. I promise"

We stayed a while longer after I made sure that B got her time with Isaac.

I could see that she was worried about where she fit in his life but in my eyes her place was cemented.

While she sat with Isaac, Ian used the opportunity to finally pull me to the side.

"Can I talk to you for a second?"

"Ian, the reason I invited you over tonight, is so that we can talk about everything with Britt there too, I don't want her to feel left out."

"I know that, it's just that I needed to set up a time when I can just talk to you, that's why I didn't want an audience. I only agreed to her coming because she told me that you still needed help getting around with the stitches and all."

I nodded my head in agreement, happy she hadn't said anything about the drugs.

"Why can't you talk to me in front of my wife?"

"Does she know about that night?"

"No, I didn't even remember until just today."

"I'm embarrassed about it okay..."

"B won't judge you...you saw how it was in the car, you guys are like one person."

"Is that why you chose me?"

"I guess I have a type, tall...blond hair...blue eyes. Who knew?" I asked rhetorically.

Ian smiled and then winked.

"Your subconscious, apparently."

"I really am sorry about what happened."

"Don't stress about it...it was a crazy night."

"Yea."

"I get that she won't judge me...I just...I can't explain...it's just..."

"Look, how about when we get to the house, we can all square things away and then...then you and I will talk alone. How does that sound?"

"Okay. Thank you, Santana."

"Come on, we should go back in."


When we got to the apartment each carrying our own take out, Britt immediately went into the bedroom to change.

She seemed annoyed that Ian and I had walked off to talk a little at the hospital but she was trying her best not to show it.

My head was throbbing and my stomach was burning.

This had been a crazy day that I would gladly like to put behind me.

Except for the part where I watched Ian hold Isaac...that was something that I never wanted to forget.

Ian sat down on the couch and I offered him a drink but he just stared at me, up and down.

"Well?"

"No thanks."

When he declined, I went ahead into the kitchen, happy when I found some aspirin.

Hoping to feel better soon, I grabbed a bottle of water and dropped two pills into my palm.

Britt came out just when I was about to throw the pills back.

And cleared her throat.

I looked over at her and she had a scowl on her face.

"No." she whispered.

"But, B?"

"No. Give them to me."

I looked at her pleadingly but she held her hand out and I crumbled.

"Fine."

I rolled my eyes and put them in her hand.

I just wanted the pain to stop but apparently any kind of drug was off limits.

Fuck.


We all sat down in the dining room and ate in silence for a while, no one knowing how to start the dialogue.

Britt had a firm hand on my leg the entire time and I noticed that Ian looked nervous.

"Can I ask you something Santana?" he finally ground out.

"Go ahead."

"If I allow Britt to adopt Isaac does that mean that I can't see him, like, ever?"

I turned to Britt and nodded towards her, I wasn't going to let her be left out of the conversation by any means.

"A big part of the reason that we wanted you to meet Izzy is because we wanted you to make that decision after meeting him. You can be around as much or little as you want. As long as it's like in a godfather or uncle capacity. I want to be a full-time mom to him." Britt said with a nervous look on her face.

I nodded in agreement and looked back at Ian.

"I agree." I said, backing up my wife.

"Well...I want to be around, take him to do guy things you know. I am not ready to raise a kid at all but he is my son too. I know you two will be amazing moms but I just want him to know me at least...I also know that I want to get married some day and don't want to have two families. So being his Godfather would make me insanely happy!" he smiled and rubbed his palms together.

"Are you sure Ian? I don't want you to come back and sue for custody later. I am open to making this relationship with you a frequent one if you're committed to it. Ball games, car stuff, whatever you want but I want you to honor Britt as his mom just as much as me, especially if something were to happen to me."

"Okay. I can do that. I will sign over my rights as long as I get to be around him."

"Okay. I'll have my lawyer draw up the paperwork then."

"Okay. So I'm his godfather?"

"Yep."

"I'm excited. Thank you for letting me meet him, you are going to be great parents!"

"And that's my cue to go. I know you want to talk to Santana alone so I'm going to go do some homework. See you later Ian."

Britt stood up and held her arms open.

Ian picked her up and spun her around and as always she came down gracefully.


Once B had gone to the room and shut the door, I watched Ian visibly relax.

"So what's up Ian?"

"So the STD...I'm sorry about that."

"So we're just jumping right into it, are we?"

"I need to get this stuff off of my chest."

"Okay."

"I know that I told you that I was a virgin and I-I meant it, I'm sorry."

"Look, I should be the one apologizing...I was drunk and I literally dragged you up those stairs and took advantage of you. I ridiculed you and called you gay and then when you told me how you got raped by your uncle a few weeks before...I laughed at you. I'm sorry...I have been abused and violated and it's not something anyone should go through."

"You were the first person that I told...it was hard to push through that but with therapy, I have come a long way."

"It's good that you're going to therapy...I think that's where I need to be."

"Maybe it would help with your other issues too."

"Yea."

"Just know that, I'm here for you."

"Yea? You mean that?"

"Definitely."

"Did you mean what you said that night about me?"

"Yea...since like second grade but you didn't know I existed...I even joined the football team when I saw that you were a cheerleader, convinced myself it was me that you were cheering for."

"That's a bit creepy...you don't have a shrine of me somewhere do you?"

"God no! It was just a crush and so when you finally noticed me at the party, you could have kicked my ass all night and I would have come back for more."

"Wow...wanky and how about now?"

"Now I have accepted that you love Brittany and I am content with the fact that at least, you know who I am now. If I had to pick any mother for my son it would have always been you."

"That's because you don't know me very well, I'm a really screwed up person right now, definitely not parent material."

"Why is that, because of the drugs?"

"Wait! You know about that?"

"It's all over school, after Finn shouted it at the SATs and then today when you were stumbling in the halls and the cafeteria it wasn't hard to guess that you were tripping off something."

"Fuck! Look, I'm trying to stop. Right now, I can't really trust myself...today opened my eyes though."

"Good. Can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"While you pregnant did you...?"

"Yes. A few times. That's why he's here early. I'm so ashamed of myself. He is largely unharmed, so far, aside from the twitching."

"When he breathes...yea...I noticed that. Is he going to be okay?"

"He has asthma...but they seem to think he is getting better. The twitch is very slight now compared to how it was a week ago."

"And you're trying to stop?"

"Yes...before he comes home."

"When does that happen?"

"They are planning to keep him until at least his due date."

"Which is?"

"June 21st, which honestly gives me almost two full months to kick this habit."

"But you are working on stopping now, right?"

"Yes. I have decided that as soon as graduation is over, I'm going to rehab before moving to New York."

"Good. I really care about you and I want you to get back to your bitchy self. Please stop okay?"

"I'm trying"

"Well try harder."

"Gee thanks."

"I want my son to have both his mothers okay?"

"Okay...I get it...I'm going to work at it."

"So in New York will you be getting a place?"

"Yes...somewhere close to Columbia, hopefully. I am going to be in an intense program and I'm going to need to focus."

"What will happen with Isaac when you have school?"

"My sister Sandra is married to Johnny Diaz of the New York-"

"Giants! You're kidding me? I worship that guy!"

"Well don't ever tell him that when you meet him. Anyway, my sister is a stay at home mom and has offered to take care of Isaac when I'm at school."

"Great!"

"Yeah, I was going to move in with her but I think that I'm going to need to actually be in the city for school not in Westchester."

"That's great because Julliard isn't far from Columbia, so when I have time, I want to help out with him."

"That's great!"

"Thanks!"


By the time that we finished having our talk, Ian was yawning and I was feeling like I could pass out.

So, I grabbed the car keys and drove Ian back home.

It felt good to be out on the open road without supervision especially after that stupid stunt that I had pulled earlier.

I didn't want to lose my privileges so I drove there and then straight back.

I got back home and cleaned up a little.

I grabbed another bottle of water and downed it in just a few sips since my head was still pounding...why was she afraid of me taking only aspirin?

It wasn't like I was going to kill myself...I would miss me too much.


Exhausted, I opened the bedroom door and Britt was laying across the bed, breathing heavy.

I froze in the doorway and when she saw me she quickly hung up the phone.

My eyes had zeroed in on the moving covers, I had noticed her hand was moving under the blanket and she was flushed.

"What were you doing B?"

"Um..."

"Please tell me that I didn't just walk in on you having phone sex!" I yelled.

Britt blushed and then put her phone on the nightstand.

"That was a quick drive to Ian's."

"Of course, it's not like we were going to be off making another baby."

"So you do want to sleep with him again?"

"What?"

Was she high?

"You look at him differently than any other guy...you look at him like you look at me."

She had noticed that? Fuck!

"Alright, I admit I am a little attracted to him okay..."

I closed the door and leaned against it, wanting to just climb in bed and sleep but I knew that this conversation had just taken a strange turn.

Britt sat against the headboard and had that cold look in her eyes, again.

"Sexually attracted?"

"No. As a person, like he and I were meant to be close, like me and Noah or me and Quinn."

"Both of which you have fucked by the way."

"Okay...bad example...I'm done with all that anyway. I am committed to you...can you say the same? Are you committed to me?"


I walked over to the bed and sat on the edge, resting my hand against her leg.

She held both hands in her lap and wouldn't look up into my eyes.

I noticed that she had on just her bra and panties...I knew that I had caught her.

She had been having phone sex.

In our bed.

Door unlocked...like she wanted to be caught.

I reached over to her lap and grabbed her right hand, lifting it to my nose easily smelling her rich scent coating her still partially damp fingers.

I kissed her hand and then held it in my lap between my hands.

"What were you doing when I walked in B?"

"Um..."

"You know phone sex is still cheating B."

"It is?"

"Was it Frankie?"

"Yea."

"You're thinking about going on that tour aren't you?"

I sat there softly caressing her hand as I waited for a response.

My heart was pounding and I felt sick but I sat still, feeling like I deserved to feel this pain.

I was trying my best to be patient and give her a chance to be honest, even though I hadn't been one hundred percent honest with her.

"I don't know yet."

"You want to fuck her again, though?"

I kept looking down at her hand not being able to turn towards her and look in her eyes.

I wanted to hear the words come from her lips.

"Yes."

"Don't you still want me?"

"So badly...but with her it-it's just different."

"How?"

"I don't want to say."

"Tell me, B."

"It's exciting with her...fresh...no drama."


I stood up from the bed, walked into the bathroom and slamming the door.

Seconds later, I heard her stumble from the bed and I quickly locked the door.

There was nothing that she could say to me right now.

I saw the ring box taunting me from where I had left it but I felt nauseous at the thought of even getting high.

One bad trip had made me leery of doing anything else.

Plus, Ian's words were still fresh in my mind.

I stripped my clothes off and climbed in the shower with my back to the water...my wound was still achy and I didn't want to aggravate it.

Despite what Dr. Jindahl believed, I actually hated hospitals.

She was banging on the door now but I just continued to shower.

"Ana? Unlock the door."

"Fuck off Brittany." I called out sweetly...allowing my headache to add to my level of bitchiness.

She really had pushed me past my limit.

We were married and parents now...why the games?

Why the cheating?

"I'm going to pick it."

I sighed and rinsed the conditioner from my hair.

"I don't give a flying fuck what you do, Brittany Susan!"

I heard her ram her shoulder into the door and then curse in pain.

I felt sorry for her and then I looked down at my bruised wrist which I had to disguise all day long and I rolled my eyes.

She could kiss my ass right now.

"You're supposed to be listening to me."

"Yeah and you're supposed to not want to fuck around."

"Open this door!"

"Open it yourself!"

"Fine!"


I didn't respond to her bullying, I just kept on showering.

It felt so good to just rinse my cares away, rinse off the bittersweet day that I had.

My head was still throbbing and I wanted it to just go away already.

I ran a light hand over my stomach, feeling the dull burn where they pulled Isaac from me and could feel the throb.

He should still be there.

But I had been stupid.

The cursing continued and I could hear the clicking.

She was getting increasingly angry.

I knew that I needed to get out and unlock the door but I just wasn't ready to face Britt yet.

I stepped out of the shower and began to dry my skin, trying to remember the last time I had taken time to myself like this and I couldn't remember.

Now that I was calmer, I needed to fix shit with my wife.

But I wouldn't have the chance.


The door swung open and slammed against the wall, I jumped back nearly falling backwards into the shower.

"What the fuck is wrong with you!" I yelled stomping my foot.

The action sending pain through my body.

My head hurt again as I glared at her.

I probably didn't look as intimidating standing there naked but I was hoping she would take me seriously.

She didn't.

Britt grabbed my hands and pulled them above my head before stepping close to me and pressing my back against the wall.

She pressed against me, ignoring my stomach and brushing against it.

I hissed and sniffed back the tears that were starting to come.

"Did you use any?"

I was confused but then remembered the velvet box on the sink.

It felt good to be able to tell the truth.

"No." I whispered. "I'm done."

"Why because your precious Ian asked you to?"

"Fuck you Brittany, I'm stopping for me, for Isaac, for us!"

We were staring each other down now.

I was exhausted and in pain and didn't have any tolerance for this bullshit at the moment.

"Yea right."

She was almost nose to nose with me now and had a really tight grip on me.

The tears were pouring down now but I paid them no mind and kept trying to sniff through a stuffy nose.

Who was this person in front of me?


"B, you're really fucking pushing it right now. I'm not going to deal with this shit from you."

My voice cracked at the end and she barked out a laugh that chilled me.

This was too reminiscent of the people who had violated me.

Too reminiscent of my ex-husband.

"Yes you will. We both know that you will do whatever the fuck I say."

She was right...for the most part.

"What is wrong with you?"

She pressed me against the wall even harder and was nearly suffocating me with her overwhelming presence.

My stomach ached so badly and I wanted to scream.

"You know Santana, I tried being sweet with you, I tried playing stupid, but you don't respond to those things you walk all over me, so now I'm going to be in control of this relationship."

"You have always been in control, I would do anything for you! Don't you get that?" I was whispering and pleading for her to understand.

"No, you keep getting high...you keep lying to me...no matter what I do, you always have to rebel against me."

"You're not my father! You're not my mother! You don't fucking rule me!"

"I'm your wife."

"Only when you feel it's convenient, apparently."

"I could say the same for you." she said.

My arms were burning as they were pressed tightly against the wall above me.

Why did people always do this to me?

"Britt please? I just want us to be alright again. I'll give you the world if you want it, I'll do anything to make this marriage better. If you want to go fuck your little bitch because you need something I can't give you, if you want to go on that tour, if you want me to do everything you fucking ask of me, then I will but I can't live like this, being abused every time I fucking breathe wrong, not again. Please stop this, let go of me, please?"


-A